Luna Reviews FIM S3: 12. Games Ponies Play · 2:42am Dec 24th, 2014
This episode is very badly timed, seeing as it appears to be instigating the fictional version of the train of events that preceded to the current crisis in Equestria.
In short, the Bearers are being woefully misused by Princess Cadance in order to sway an official inspector into awarding the...Equestrian Games...to the Crystal Empire. It looks like a plot stolen from a show about a group of friends that aren’t responsible for the fate of the entire planet on a frequent basis. And then you throw in a thoroughly tired mistaken identity plot, that really never works out quite right. (The inspector is angry that she never gets to see what host cities are really like because everypony is buttering her up. For once, she arrives in a city where nopony recognizes her, and is treated like an ordinary pony, and guess what? She hates it. Then she meets the pony that everypony thought was the inspector, that they spent the entire time buttering up, so of course she loves the town. And this is enough to convince the inspector? Logic, dear Logic, wherever did you go when we needed you so badly?)
Also, this is a crossover with one of the two awful Spike episodes this season. So all the more reason to dislike it.
Notes
00:00: Here we are on Day 2 of the Equestrian Crisis. I have been interviewed by approximately 900 different news programs, and I know precisely nothing more than I did yesterday. So let’s do this so I can think about fictional ponies instead of real ones.
(Hope: Yes! Because of course those ones are fictional!)
00:13: Wait a second...is this a cross-over with “Just for Sidekicks”? (Checks notes…) Yes, it is! Why would you bind yourself to mediocrity, episode? Also, that means this episode will be about...an unfortunate subject under the circumstances. I’m going to just refrain from mentioning it.
01:06: Aw, it’s filly Rainbow Dash, before she started displaying jerkish qualities.
(Hope: So cute!)
01:34: Hey, wait a second! These are national heroes, being asked to intervene in an internal matter between rival hosting cities? That is totally unfair! Either give the honor to the Empire in consideration of what they’ve been through, or let it be a totally fair competition, with at most two of the Bearers allowed to speak for Twilight’s brother and sister-in-law. Anything else smacks of coercion.
02:53: So, let me get this straight—you’ve got national heroes of Equestria, including the wielder of the Sonic Rainboom, and you’re wasting them on a cheerleading routine? You’ve committed to having national heroes hawking the hosting job, and the best they can do is cheerleading? Why did Cadance even bother, if that was all she was going to get out of them? I mean, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Pinkie Pie turned out to be an excellent acrobat, and Rarity could certainly organize and design such a display, but really?
(Hope: But they look so cute cheerleading!)
03:28: A Crystal pony uses a vacuum cleaner: First of all, what happened to the devotion to tradition that was so important in the season opener? And second, I totally agree that a vacuum cleaner would be indispensable for cleaning up after all of that Crystal dust.
(Hope: Are crystal and gems like...nearly worthless in Equestria? When I was there, they were everywhere.)
(Luna: Yeah, pretty much. It’s a bit topsy-turvy compared to your world: we have coins [bits] where you have paper currency [dollars], and gems where you have metal currency [cents].)
05:19: The ceremonial headdress: See, a research opportunity—a much better use of Twilight Sparkle’s time than forming a silly pyramid.
06:21: Rarity gets the hairstylist’s job: So, in case it wasn’t clear, the stakes this time around are kinda low—Rainbow Dash craziness to the contrary. But at least one of the Bearers—besides Pinkie—has something worthy of her talents to do.
06:54: Twilight actually manages to calm herself down, using a technique she picked up from Cadance: Alright, I’m calling it right now—the only contribution this episode actually has to the future of Friendship Is Magic is that breathing exercise right there. If only the real Twilight could pick up social cues as easily as she picks up new spells.
(Hope: It’s definitely a nice moment, a moment that gave Twilight more development. The show seems very focused on Twilight. I’m not sure if this is a good thing or not.)
07:35: “The inspector is trying to catch us out!”: Yeah, like the fact that this inspector is apparently obsessed with Crystal Empire traditions, so you have the welcoming routine performed by non-Crystal ponies! And is cheer-leading even a Crystal Empire pastime? I don’t think so!
07:55: Hey, it’s Colgate! She was the first dentist to look at my teeth after my exile. First dentist ever to see my teeth in fact, as dentistry didn’t exist a millennium ago. I wonder what she’s doing visiting the Empire? Unimaginatively, she could be there to look into opening a part-time dental clinic, or to study the rare crystals up there for use in her job. I’d prefer to think that she was there purely as a tourist.
(Hope: Do alicorns get cavities?)
(Luna: Not if we’re paying attention.)
08:34: “Princess Cadance?”: Hey, why isn’t she Empress Cadance? She’s ruling an empire now, right? And what’s Shining Armor’s title? Pretty Colt?
09:12: Wait, that’s the inspector? How could Twilight not know? I mean, if you’re going to recruit her to help you win the bid, then surely you’d take advantage of her research skills to dig up the supposedly secret files on the inspectors! Why bother to use her otherwise? Ugh, this episode is starting to live down to the promise of its tie-in episode.
11:05: You notice that their routine works flawlessly, despite Rarity being absent. I don’t think real cheer-leading routines work that way.
13:12: “There’s no other way!”: And again, Rarity is the highlight of the episode, despite apparently being sidelined...again. Sigh.
(Hope: I want to meet Rarity. Preferably when I have a decent wardrobe though.)
(Luna: Don’t worry—real-life Rarity is nowhere nearly as shallow as you might think, especially if you’ve been reading bad fanfiction. She’ll see your inner beauty the moment she meets you—after all, she was the first one to truly approach me as somepony distinct from Nightmare Moon.)
14:45: “And we’re walking, and we’re walking…”: I hate when tour guides do that.
15:03: How come I get the idea that coaching Little League teams is as much authority as the cartoon version of Princess Cadance ever gives to Shining Armor?
16:11: Really? This is your idea of drama, episode? A silly pony with a pot on her head?
(Hope: Pots are very very silly.)
18:05: Can’t “breathing exercise” your way out of failure, Twilight.
19:50: Rainbow Dash: ...And completely ruined everything! Pinkie Pie: Cinnamon bun? Me: Ha-ha-ha-ha!
20:47: The Crystal Empire wins, which causes some massive magical reaction. And remember from the season opener that the Crystal Empire’s well-being is vital to the well-being of Equestria. So if they had lost...who knows what would have happened?
(Hope: It’s sort of an odd mechanic to give a whole country, like...why not just give them everything they want, all the victories and happiness, so that everyone else is happy, too? It speaks of a class system, the bourgeoisie whose happiness determines the fate of the lesser...I should stop reading McPoodle’s work.)
(Luna: Oh, you mean Best of All Possible Worlds? Yeah, I kind of see what you mean. Only, while that story was about the realization that the peasantry could no longer be ignored by the aristocracy, the Crystal Empire here in relation to Equestria acts more like voodoo—only with countries instead of dolls.)
21:32: And...the inevitable reminder of the episode this is tied to, the one that makes out Spike as a mindless slave to his appetite for gems, and an idiot to boot. Nice way to sour what little approval of this episode I had.
Chat at Denny’s
Luna: They’ve made a pancake dish...out of peanut butter cups. I would be nearly beside myself with joy...if it wasn’t for the unfortunate occasion.
Narcie: I didn’t think they’d actually bring it to me...
Hope: Then you shouldn’t have ordered it!
Narcie: I...maybe they are robots, to so blindly ignore the impracticalities of putting cheese sauce, Tofu ribs, and gravy onto a pair of pancakes. This is a crime against decency.
Hope: Are you going to...
Narcie: Of course I’m going to eat it.
Luna: Can you even _see_ the pancakes under all that…?
Narcie: I think...
Hope: It doesn’t count if you have to lick off cheese sauce.
Narcie: Ah, then no. No I cannot.
Luna: Waiter! Another round of chocolate milkshakes! With real whipped cream this time!
(We sort of got too busy eating intensely sweet delectables after that to remember what was said. And then there was the sugar coma afterwards...I’m going to have to see Colgate after all of this, aren’t I?)
I would gladly trade this pair of boring episode for a single good one. Preferably one where Spike isn't a doofus.
I wonder if Cartoon Shining Armor would like to add 'Wife Tossing' as an official event? :p It'd be like javelin throwing but only with a cooperative element.
The Pricness Luna in our Lunaverse knows a spell to split herself into multiple beings, that would have been really useful for all those interviews. Usually in a crisis like this you should have organized a press conference, do a quite scrum, then retreat to take care of important manners, adding that you would update the media through regular press releases and would hold a new conference the moment you have new information. That would have given the news hounds enough sound bites for a while.
2674411
Ha! Sadly, I only have that ability to split myself in dreams. And the majority of ponies I interact with in that state are not looking for an elegant speaker under the circumstances.
2674518 Oooh! So you can help multiple ponies at once? That's amazing!
2674523
Well, it's sort of the "Santa Problem", isn't it? How can one pony help with the nightmares of hundreds of foals and fillies in a single night otherwise?
2674526 I thought it had to do with the skewed perception of time during dreams. I don't expect dreams to work on the same solid fondation as reality... must be pretty strange to walk into someone's dream... with the subconscious constantly in flux and all that, picking up the narrative of the dream must be quite challenging.
2674532
Yes, though perception is all it is, and at some point or another, all that is built on physical things happening in real-time, so there's a limited amount of whatever that can be perceived in real-time, whatever crazy logic the dream itself may run on.
Then again, magical cognition might be a thing, and who knows how that works. Probably the same deal, though.
Yeah, there's a weird disconnect between the Bearers' deeds and their notoriety in the cartoon. There's an earlier episode where the plot hinges on Rarity being an unknown in Canterlot high society. This is after she helped save the world twice, got two stained-glass windows for her troubles, and was part of a public medal ceremony... in Canterlot. Not sure how much that one was based on actual events.
Suddenly, a lot of things make a lot more sense.