Fallen Angels: Author's Note · 11:56am May 21st, 2014
I've received a number of questions in Fallen Angels' comments, by private message, and in forums about my intentions and experience regarding the story. I'd like to do justice to answering those here and hope this might also satisfy the curiosity of others who come along. Additional questions or comments here are welcome.
First, I've received a wide range of feedback regarding the topic and writing style, mostly positive. Thank you to all who've commented thus far. I've been encouraged by many and also reminded by some that what I'm writing isn't for everyone or could stand to be improved. I enjoy this feedback, but I started this story with very few expectations regarding its readership, and I still hold few expectations. Truth be told, I actually expected more negative feedback than I've received. I actually wish I'd received more serious criticism to this point, (there's still time for that though). Apparently I chose the right venue for publishing.
I (we all) owe Knighty and his crew a huge thanks for providing this environment to establish our communities and express ourselves.
My sole expectation for Fimfiction.net is that it might give as many interested readers as possible the chance to see what I've written. My only expectation for Fallen Angels is that it might incite positive, constructive action in at least a single person toward changing the state of the world as we know it into something brighter and better, despite the challenges we all continue to face. I include myself in this. As long as I feel confident that these expectations will be met, I'll continue to write and publish here.
The tone, message, and frequency of chapters of my writing may be influenced by the story's reception, but I don't intend to deviate much from this main purpose, attempting to inspire change for good. I hope my writing might accomplish this by showing as realistically and impartially as possible what goes through the mind of those affected by one of the most stigmatized arousal templates/sexualities, whether it's the pedophile him/herself, a targeted youth, or others close to them. I give at least partial credit to the book Dream Children for inspiring me to pursue this goal. There's also a second way in which I hope that Fallen Angels will affect its readers for good which I'll explain later.
This brings me to the question that prompted this author's note and what many seem most curious about, my related personal experience and views.
In case there are any doubts, I'm a non-offending, non-exclusive pedophile (paedophile/pædophile), 'non-exclusive' meaning I'm also attracted to non-child individuals. Most who read my fiction will already know that a pedophile (even an exclusive one) is not the same as a child molester. In my internet travels I've met many pedophiles who act on their urges to varying degrees and many who do not. I've met a number who would act out if they could get away with it, some who wish to never act out, some who wish they weren't pedophiles, some who wish everyone else were pedophiles with them, and many other pedophiles who fall between or into none of these categories. Most of my contact with others comes from (clearnet) forums and a few darknet communities.
I regularly see a therapist who specializes in sex addiction recovery (to whom I've disclosed my full sexual history), and I regularly attend Sex-Addicts Anonymous group meetings. From my teen years I've sought professional treatment for both my aberrant attractions and for compulsive use of (non-child porn) erotica. Now I no longer seek to fix my attractions, but I still strive to live with and restrain my compulsions. Fallen Angels is in no way tied to my recommended treatment, though I do consider it a catharsis and an opportunity to reach outside of myself to help others which, in itself, I consider to be therapeutic.
I live in the U.S. I'm past my mid-twenties, male, college-educated, employed, and come from a lower-middle class family. I was raised in a lesbian household, and, though I suffered some shame-trauma related to my sexuality as a child, I've never been molested by an authority figure. I was touched in the crotch unwillingly once by a same-age peer, but it was brief and not very noteworthy. I'm attracted almost exclusively to females, and, though I find most healthy women and girls attractive, and notwithstanding the fact that I consider myself relatively unscathed by the stereotypical sexual perpetrator, my overwhelming preference is in the range of 3-9 years old.
The hardest part about dealing with pedophilia, for me, is reason for the second (and most personally important) part of how I hope to use Fallen Angels to help others. That is, I, and the majority of other pedophiles I've talked to, experience terrible, crushing loneliness and isolation in our struggles. While professionals and general sex-addict groups can help take some of the edge off of this isolation, the burden still stings and weighs on us. There is very little research about how to treat suffering pedophiles and practically none for treating non-offending pedophiles.
In the author's note for Dream Children it was mentioned that the author received many letters of thanks from anonymous senders, simply for addressing and (to the minds of the readers) sympathizing with pedophilia. The author kindly refuted that he sympathized, stating basically that he only meant to explore the mind of the pedophile. On the other hand, Fallen Angels is a deliberate attempt to sympathize, not with any illegal activity, but with the compulsion that many pedophiles feel which may cripple and, at times, completely overwhelm its incumbent.
I implore my pedophile readers:
If you're alone, please, don't be. Whether or not what I write in Fallen Angels is too triggering for you, if you need support from a fellow pedophile to help when daily urges tear at you, please, find fellowship in me. Know that I feel it as well both desperately and frequently. Though I've never acted on the urges, know that I understand what its like to feel the thrill and the terror of it, and I don't judge you. By law I cannot act as a confessor or priest to hear any story of child abuse, but, if I could, I would, and I would seek both your and the victim's recovery.
[Edit]
I've come across a few anonymous support communities that might help:
http://www.virped.org/
http://b4uact.org/peersupport.htm
http://www.jorisoost.nl/english.html
B4UAct also has a link for a community that supports family and friends of Minor Attracted Persons.
The story does a very good job of it, and has made me think a lot more deeply about it than I have before. From me and others who I'm sure are in the same boat, thanks.
Thank you for sharing your story, it makes your writing mean that much more, and is somewhat inspiring and i think most people could learn something form it. Fallen Angels is a fantastic read and is very eloquently written, the insight into how (in this case) Fluttershy feels and sees herself and the world around her is a look into a mind that is unlike many in this world. Many people assume the worst of pedophiles assuming they are all the same. This gives perspective on that image. And allows the reader to see from their eyes.
I think that you have chosen a fantastic media, and a great community to choose to share with. As a fandom we are very accepting and open to many new lines of thought. and while I'm sure you will receive negative feedback from this blog I hope it does not deter you form continuing with your story and the journey it has embarked upon.
I thank you both for your honesty and your fantastic contributions to this fandom. Keep calm and Carry on! (in lieu of a salute take a moustache!
)
-Silver Whisp
Even though I'm not a pedophile myself, I really have an admiration for what you're doing with Fallen Angels. People jump in the hate bandwagon far too often over taboo topics such as pedophilia, which does nothing more but discourage pedophiles to seek help because they fear society will further condemn them.
You taken the opportunity to portray pedophiles not as some devil spawn, but an extremely misunderstood group of people who suffer from being aroused by a group of people they never wanted to be aroused by in the first place. For that, I not only commend you for having a noble goal in mind, but also for writing a really engrossing story that accomplishes part of what you were striving for.
In the risk of sounding incredibly cheesy, maybe there will be a day, where most people will approach topics like this, with an open mind and heart.
I like this story, because it protrays the problem from both points of view. I'm more on Twilight's side, though.
I've never met a pedophile (gosh, this word sounds so bad in today's society
) in my life, and you've convinced me to rethink something about people in general.
I have a fair amount of things to say, but alas I do not wish to share them publicly. It's in regards to the subject of pedophiles and the like, and my views on them.
2132803 By no means do I expect all comments to be made publicly or even on fimfiction. I've had my privacy invaded by site admins in the past on other sites. I'll gladly converse by other means.
Nice note. Respect + 5
Keep it up.
Thank you. This was very deep and it helps me understand pedophiles a lot better.
Here's to honesty.
fimfiction-static.net/images/story_images/87148.png?1362017110
Your story has always felt like something much more than just clop. It's the kind of serious writing I always try to do, you just seem to do it better for this given theme. I always feel a little angry reading this story because I keep cheering for Fluttershy and Sweetie to just be together, ditch Twilight and move away to live together in peace, which I know is the wrong thing to want lol.
Fallen Angels has been very touching. I really look forward to seeing where it will ultimately go.
Here's a relevant link: http://www.virped.org/
I've come across another anonymous support community that might help:
http://b4uact.org/peersupport.htm
B4UAct also has a link for a community that supports family and friends of Minor Attracted Persons.
Dude, kudos for sharing. Honestly though as for as far as foalcon equaling pedophilia. Depending on how you see there age it could technically be considered Hebephilia since technically when the show first started they were about the same height as the Mane 6 during CMC [and seeing teenage Shining Armor in that fic, and teenage Cadance in the Royal Wedding were about the same relative height of the current Mane 6]. Would put them about at childhood age in S1. Although being near 13, it'd still technically fall in the actual age list of Hebephilia. Personally I found foalcon for things ranging from pedophilia to Ephebophilia.
But as of S3x4, they'd be somewhere in there early teenage years most likely. Since their 1/2 age + 4 of the Mane 6. In my eyes foalcon was sexual interactions with non-adult ponies. Or those of a much younger age group [still sexually illegal / taboo to have sex with a teenager as an adult.]
Still, super awesome blog. I'm happy that you're getting the help you need, and found someway to not act on your urges. As for your story, while I do admit that I root for Flutters and Sweetie to have a happy ending. I'm also glad that this story has such a rich emotional setup, and takes the whole foalcon in a more serious light. Seriously you are a great author, and I'm happy that you're making the fic. Not only for the rare pairing, but for the realism of it all. If they ever do end up sexually interacting it'd make the wait and the buildup so much more emotionally fulfilling.
*Gives hug and a cookie*.
_________________
PS: Sorry for the length.
2207402 The matter of age in the show versus in the fic is one I've considered carefully and decided that, for now at least, I have an age which I think suits the characters in my story and I think could be considered compatible with the canon FiM universe. However, I don't yet want to explicitly define how old the characters are in case we ever get a specific canon age for them. Also, and more importantly, preconceptions about age are something I'm deliberately trying to deconstruct as I write. If I do my job right, then there must be clear markers showing each character's development and stage in life from which readers may extrapolate an age range, but there should also be some uncertainty, perhaps some things that conflict with what we assume childhood and adulthood really are, which cause us each to question, hopefully, more than just my skill and understanding of human development as the author, but also real life.
In reality, FiM canon is constructed by a team of adults with varying and sometimes conflicting experiences, (from childhood, as parents, caregivers, etc.) that inform who they believe each character is or ought to be. Their portrayals aren't always realistic, whether due to creative liberty, corporate/political influences, social factors, or plain old human error. For example, Faust, when asked about the age of the mane 6 in season 1 or 2, gave a mental range of 14 to 17 (iirc) but she made them adult enough by Equestrian standards to run businesses, etc. Faust justified this by saying she considers their development a little like horses in real life, which mature much faster than we do. Assuming the passage of time is similar in their world to ours, we see that the aging process is much closer to human than to equine, as in Sweetie's fifth birthday party. Faust also mentioned that she didn't want the mane characters to be in school, unlike in generation 2, where the ponies are actually school age, and in generation 3, where they're preschool to grade school-aged. Still, we know that Hasbro originally wanted to sell FiM toys to preteen girls and younger, so the mane 6 were created to appeal to a younger audience, and that fits with the mental age that Faust said, making them role models for younger girls.
Judging age by the height of the characters in flashbacks is tricky because animators often choose to use the same recolored puppets for the sake of time and resources, (except for important characters). Changing heights often means not being able to reuse walk/run cycles, expressions, etc. as easily, which are already available for the standard puppet. We have been treated recently in Pinkie Pride to seeing filly versions of many of our favorite background characters, so that's really cool, but that only came about much later, after the resources could be afforded. In Cutie Mark Chronicles and A Canterlot Wedding it's very likely that, except the noteworthy exception of Flutterfilly, the animators reused crusader puppet designs instead of making whole new body types for each. Since we know that fillies can get their cutiemarks at different ages and the puppets may have just been recolored, looking at their heights doesn't solve much about their relative ages. Even if we could say Flutters is older because they went to the trouble of making her taller, we could be wrong still. Faust commented on Flutterfilly's design, in fact, saying she was supposed to look more awkward, but didn't mention that it was meant to reflect a difference in her age necessarily.
As you already probably know, very little of this is canon in the show itself. All that we know from the show so far (and not the comics, which are an alternate universe) is that Fluttershy is "a year older" than Pinkie, that at least a year (very likely just 1 year) has passed since Twilight met her friends by the beginning of S3, and that, at some point, Sweetie had a fifth birthday.
Despite being non-canonical, something I find helpful to consider when trying to pin down ages is that Apple family reunions happen every 100 moons (8 years if our full moons are similar). We know that baby AJ was at one, and we see her present in the group photo for another next to Apple Bloom without their parents, both appearing to be the same age as they are in S3. We know there was a reunion during the Summer Sun Celebration in the series pilot, and there was one in season 3. That leaves us with a couple possibilities for the Apples', and by extension Fluttershy's and Sweetie's age ranges.
One possibility is that the pilot reunion was an 'official' reunion that happens every 100 moons and the S3 reunion comes out of chronological order in the series. If this is the case then neither AJ nor (more importantly) Apple Bloom show signs of aging between the two and we're kind of left stumped unless we want to say that Apple Bloom, Babs (and even Spike) didn't grow enough to warrant new puppets during that time. In other words they'd have to have have been on the lower and upper borders of foalhood. The only reason we can't rule this out entirely, despite the improbability, is because we don't see Twilight with or without wings in the episode so we can't say it came before she ascended. It's possible, in this case, that the animators made do with what they had instead of creating new designs for the different-aged characters.
Another more likely possibility is that the pilot reunion might have been an informal sort of gathering due to the special appearance of Celestia in Ponyville for the Summer Sun Celebration, that it didn't count as one of the big ones that happens every 100 moons, and that we don't see the fillies or Spike age because the two reunions are not that far apart. This could explain the photo, but it wouldn't really explain why Granny talked about the photo as if it had been 100 moons since it had been taken. Most likely, either the animators didn't have the resources and time to make differently-aged characters for the photo, or Granny just didn't mention that that photo was from a more recent reunion than their last big 'official' every-100-moons one. Despite the fact that we don't see a photo with an 8-year-old AJ, it's safe to say that AJ is probably older than 10 in the pilot, so she's probably been to at least 2 prior 100-moon reunions.
In both cases, Applejack has been to at least 3 total 100-moon reunions after the Apple Family Reunion episode, which puts her at no younger than 17 years old minimum. That's if we assume she couldn't speak as a 0-year-old and was either a very gifted 1-year-old or that's just how baby ponies progress (for reference, the Cake twins spoke Pinkie's name at 1 month old). If we go by typical human development standards she'd have been 2 at her first reunion and thus be 18 at the third reunion. Since ponies seem to mature faster, that could easily set her in her 20s maturity-wise, but mentally she may still be a teenager, albeit one who's lost her parents and helped raise a sibling.
For Apple Bloom (and Sweetie), let's consider the scene in Cutie Mark Chronicles where AJ leaves Sweet Apple Acres. It would make sense that, for such an important scene, her parents would be present, but they're not. We might assume, then, that they've already made their untimely passing, and, therefore, Apple Bloom must have been born already (and is very little). As a side-note, this would put Spike as younger than her, since he hatched before AJ came back home. Some other things to consider include that AJ was older than other fillies in her class when she got her cutiemark. Rarity was putting on a school play. Twilight was just enrolled in a new school and looks the same just before she got her cutiemark as she did in magic kindergarten. Fluttershy and RD were both at flight camp, though Flutters is a weak flier and RD was first to get her cutiemark so they may have been years apart regardless. As you mentioned, Cadence looked like a teen when Twiley was a blank flank. Rarity looked the same age when Sweetie was 5 as she does now. Apple Bloom has just barely, with her sister's reluctance, earned the right to take care of the farm alone for a single afternoon. Most of the fillies in Cheerilee's class currently have their cutiemarks, and we might or might not assume that foals in a single class are somewhat close in age. Of course, none of this helps us at all to figure out how old anypony is for sure beyond the safe assumption that the CMC are between 6 and 16 years old chronologically.
It's possible that the show creators aren't keeping track and to analyze this at all is purely a sign of insanity, but it sure is fun anyway.
But basically, yep, depending on how you look at it, Fluttershy could be considered either an ephebophile or a pedophile. I'm keenly aware of the difference between an attraction to prepubescent, peripubescent, and pubescent individuals. For me, personally, the fantasy of being with a girl in the age range I mentioned relies heavily on mental age, not only physical. In FiM, ages are depicted chronologically (by the actual passage of time), physically (by outward growth and changes in appearance), and mentally (seen in character behavior). Each also has a sort of social-maturity level too, based on how others treat them regardless of their 'age.' It all plays into the taboo as well as what makes an immature individual attractive to a mature individual.
I don't know why I typed so much just to say...
tldr: Fluttershy = adult or teen. Sweetie = preadolescent or adolescent.
Though it could conceivably change, Fluttershy is an adult in Fallen Angels.
2210024
*read it* Very informative, and I liked the insight you provided. And yes, mentally they are way older than their bodies. Which I can admit could be a major selling point. But yeah I remember reading about how old Faust said they were mentally [which made the EQGirls [while I disliked lots of it] make sense with their age setting], as well as the children learning Astrophysics [on the school chalk board during the Cutie Mark Episode].
Seriously though. Best of luck on the fic, and I can't wait to see more. Also don't be afraid of writing long explanations. I'm used to reading lots of stuff for fun.
I haven't explored this support community, but it looks promising.
http://www.jorisoost.nl/english.html