Thinking about deleting a story... Opinions? · 2:59am Jan 21st, 2014
Don't worry, it's not one of my big ones. It's one of my earlier stories, What Once Was. This was a sad story about Berry Punch that explored a little bit of her history and why she consumed so much alcohol. Much to my dismay, the story never became popular, and only has 35 favorites. This is incredibly low for me, and to be brutally honest, I'm ashamed that I wrote such a bad story.
At the time, I thought it was good. So good, in fact, that I sent it to Equestria Daily in the hopes that it would get big there. But nope! The guy who pre read the story literally ripped it to shreds, shocking me.
So here's my question. Do you think I should go ahead and delete this story to make myself look better, or should I just keep it?
And also, if you're wondering what the guy from EQD sent back, here it is:
>did you really just drink that in one go?” The bartender deadpanned//
You get this right, except when you have a question mark there. When it ends dialogue, it's no different than a comma in how it would affect the attribution's capitalization.>woops//
whoops>the bartender shook his head as he threw a rag over his shoulder.//
There's no speaking action in your attribution.>Berry started to say before somepony cut her off.//
Two things: Once again, don't tell me what the punctuation already does. But having anything there at all undercuts the sense of interruption. If her speech is cut off, the very next thing should be what cuts it off. If the narrator has time to wedge more in there, it undermines the suddenness of the interruption.>rudely//
Just used that not long ago.>sighing dejectedly//
Telly. Yeah, you're gonna get the speech. I'll paste it at the end.>a couple holding hooves in one of the back tables//
I hope thy're "at" one of the tables. Being "in" one could be rather painful. They might be "in" a booth...>cutely//
Who's making this judgment? Your narrator's not clearly in anyone's perspective, and he shouldn't be expressing opinions of his own.>She had worked//
Second straight sentence that starts with this phrase.>She loved her job//
Inconsistent with the past perfect tense you've been using.>He watched on//
I've never heard that phrasing before in this sense.>to his horror//
You're jumping into his head while in her flashback. That's a bad idea.>He sat there for hours, staring over the cliff, devastated that he had lost his one and only daughter.//
You tell me that, but it's a cold fact. Let me see him being devastated.>d- down there//
If it's not continuing an earlier sentence he'd left off, capitalize. And don't use a space with the hyphen. At this point, I'll ask why none of the ponies who were around consoling him thought to go get Berry.>the only place she could go; the mansion where she worked//
Misused semicolon. There isn't an independent clause after it. You're providing a definition; a colon would be appropriate.>Her employer had been disappointed but he had forgiven her//
Opposite problem as before. You do need a comma here.>put her in charge of the serving drinks at his next monthly party//
Extraneous word.>The sight of him with another mare brought up all of the anger, all of the resentment, and all of the despair that Berry had felt since the death of their filly.//
There was nothing in your description of their break-up to suggest she was angry or might react violently. This is all coming out of the blue.>They said that their master would be along shortly, and they locked the door behind them.//
Here's a recurring problem with this whole flashback. The narration is carrying everything. I guess it's supposed to be like a scene playing through her mind, but it'd be more effective if you took the reader back as well and related it as it happened. That means not just giving me her summary of events, but describe them as they play out, include the dialogue, show how the characters feel about the events.>list of destinations that she could choose from; Manehatten, Trottingham, Baltimare, Ponyville, and Fillydelphia.//
Colon.>an empty seat between a stallion a few seats down//
Repetition of "seat," and if the seat is "between" the stallion, it's probably too late for him.>*hic*//
Don't use asterisks for the sound. You could use dashes.>she winked at him, grinning sultrily//
This isn't a dialogue attribution.>Miss, how many ponies in here do you think are your real friends?//
This is coming out of nowhere. Why doesn't he just leave? What's his motivation to lecture her?>swayed//
Third time I've seen this action in this scene. It's an unusual enough word that it stands out when repeated.>As she trudged up the steps to her front door//
Fourth straight paragraph you've started with an "as" clause.>She grumbled to herself as she twisted the knob, lowering the temperature of the shower. After waiting a few seconds for the temperature to change, she tried again and found out that the water temperature was just right. Satisfied, she yanked the shower curtain open and stepped under the warm stream of water.//
See, here's another example of how the narration is too focused on events only. Aside from some weak implications from the words "grumbled" and "yanked," this is utterly emotionless.>??//
Don't double up on your punctuation.>Grumbling, she stood back up and yanked//
And there are both of those actions again, so soon after.>she laid down and pulled the covers over herself//
Lay/lie confusion.This story is marked as complete, but it doesn't feel complete. You have a definite conflict defined, which is better than quite a few stories we receive, but it doesn't go anywhere. You build up this emotional journey for Berry and give us all the back story, but then it doesn't go anywhere. The two main things that a story can accomplish are creating an resolving a conflict, and/or showing character growth. Neither happens here. Berry doesn't come to any realization about her life and either fix it or fail, sliding back into her self-destruction. Because of the nature of the story, conflict and character growth will be pretty inextricably tied here. You've got the makings of conflict: something at stake, something she stands to lose that will definitely matter if she fails to achieve it. But you never show that her struggle has come to any point of decision or that she's evolved as a character while dealing with it.
-Very excessive use of participial phrases.
-Meandering back and forth between past perfect and simple past during the flashbacks.
-Repetition of words, phrases, and sentence structures.
-Use of semicolons where a colon would be appropriate.
-Dialogue tag capitalization when using question marks.
-Telly language. It's better to get the reader to interpret a character's emotions than to tell them outright. Devices for doing that include body language, reactions, facial expressions, actions, and sometimes speech and thought. The three biggest red flags are outright naming an emotion (sad), -ly adverb form (happily), and prepositional phrase form (in excitement). The last one in particular is almost always redundant with an action it follows. You'll bore the reader just throwing cold facts at him. You don't always have to show, but it's a good idea at critical plot points, emotional moments, and where you want the reader to feel something along with the character. Find areas where you did and give it some thought as to whether you want to make a closer connection to the reader there, or if it's just a minor instance. Here are a few examples I pulled:
>Her heart panged with jealousy
>she gulped both in fear and shock
>Emotionally devastated
>She froze in shock, quickly pulling her hoof away as her employer shook his head in disappointment.
>Jealousy and sadness filled her heartIf you'd like help with your story, I can recommend the review threads on the /fic/ boards of Ponychan (http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/) and MLPchan (http://mlpchan.net/fic/), as well as the volunteers on FiMFiction and reddit. This is your first strike of a possible three.
Sincerely,
Pre-reader 63.546
Everything he said was spot-on accurate. Since I didn't know any better at the time, I sorta blew him off, thinking that I was right and he was wrong. But now that I've grown as a writer, I can now see the myriad of errors that plague this piece.
So hears another question: Should I go back and revise the entire piece? Which in turn would delay my other stories from being worked on.
1741733 That's not helpful in the slightest.
1741740
It's about keeping things up for prosperity.
I feel you shouldn't delete it. You should leave it there, as a measure of how much you've grown since then.
Don't.
Don't ever delete a story.
~Skeeter The Lurker
I say that if you're happy with the actual plot to the story, then the best thing to do is edit the piece.
Damn, and people call me a Nazi. Pre-reader 63.546 makes me look like Mahatma Gandhi. But you are right that he was right. You should not delete it. Carry your shame with you, never forget it. It will make you a better person.
You want my opinion? Don't delete the story. Just because it's not really popular doesn't mean it's not good. It may not be perfect, but it got into Twilight's Library, and their standards are pretty high.
Do not. How many likes does it have?
If you your old stuff, how will you know how much you've improved?
1742008 Because I keep backups of everything in google drive.
I would say edited it. If you enjoyed writing it and still like it even with all the errors then I say keep it and just fix those errors and bring it up to your current standards. Sure it will delay your other work but it's better then to lose a story that some people have liked. Especially is you liked writing it and still like the story.
Also what will deleting the fic do? To me it would show me someone who would delete his work when they are fall below his current skill level, like if you current skill level got even better then it is now then one might think you would remove another story that you wrote, earlier on.
i havnt read the story but i would keep it personally. its your original (first) story. its kind of a "look how far ive come" statement comparing something from the past like that story versus your most recent work. i wouldnt even bother taking it down =3 you are an awesome writer and we all know that, so what if you had a few hiccups on that very first story =D
1742147 It isn't my first story. In fact, I think it's my 3rd or 4th
Don't
Deleting it won't accomplish anything.
It was a simple/generic story but i liked it
EDIT: also editing might not make a difference either since it was so unpopular...
But your story, your decision
1742160
still stand by it though =3 <3 haha
I still have my old bible thing up, and I doubt I will ever delete that one. Feel about your story however you like, but you certainly won't "look better" because you have an unpopular story in your bibliography.
In fact, the way you make it sound like I get the impression you think there are people out there who go like, "Hmm let's see what this guy wrote to decide whether or not this new clopfic here is good. *seconds later* What, he wrote such a terrible story? To hell I will read any of his crap!" Exaggerated example but you get my point.
And I personally still have my bible story up because I can use it as reference point, both for me as well as the one seeing it. "Hey man, look how far I've come!"
Hope that helps!
It may not be the best story you have ever written, but one cant expect that every single one is a hit, there will always be a couple that just doesn't fall into peoples taste, so all one can do is learn from them.
Sure you can delete it, or you can keep it as a reminder, and look back on it later for either hints for future story improvements, or nostalgia, I know I do, when I craft something at least.
I might not be talented in anyway my self, but I do still take pride in what I do, despite when others bash it or or tell me its bad.
And you should take pride in everything you write as well, no matter how good or bad it might be.
I don't think you should delete it. Not every story you write is going to be amazing, and besides, it probably isn't as terrible as you think it is.
I would keep it to serve as a timeline if anything. Looking back, you can use it to guage how quickly your writing has improved and to have a laugh and say "Wow, at one time, I wrote like that.". Also good to reflect and remember that even after it was thoroughly rejected, you never let it be your swan song, but kept with it and now work with arguably the most respected authors of their genre.
Well, as a guy who thought the story was great, I'd suggest keeping it around. Most of the issues the EQD pre-reader brought up were technical, and could be edited away. The other issues were with your style, which means they aren't actually issues. I want to throw a grapefruit at the next person who gives a condescending lecture on "show, don't tell." It's an abused piece of advice that's really gotten out of hand. And EQD's idea that only good stories have typical plot elements like a central conflict and character growth.... Well, I find it a bit warped. You can have a great story that has neither of those, so long as it has an effect on the audience. But I digress.
If you really don't want to keep it here, though, then I guess you should get rid of it. I, for one, would miss it, but I'd understand if you took it down. I sometimes feel shame for the first thing I put up, just because of the severely-mixed reaction it got, but I keep it up because it's still one of my favorites among the stuff I've written. It's not perfect, but I like it and I still want to share the concept with anyone who's interested.
I guess that's really what it comes down to. Ignore the grammar issues for a moment, because they can be easily rectified. As it stands, with it's tone, dialog, events, and story, do you like "What Once Was?" If so, then keep it. If not, then I won't complain if you take it down.
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Thanks for the responses everyone! I've decided to just let it be, and if I get the time, I might go back and fix a few stupid errors.
I'm a proofreader. Just saying. I'd be happy to help you. I can guarantee the story will be near perfect. I understand if you don't wish to have a proofreader work on it, but PM me if you are
1747139 Yeah, you can take a crack at it. I'll set it up in google docs and PM you the link to it.
1747541 Hey, sorry for posting the comment like three times. Internet was derping, and not showing the comment was sent so I tried a few times, apparently it was sent, but just not telling me it was.
1745335 good. If even one person likes it, you should leave it up. I mean, it doesn't cost you anything does it?