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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Shut up, you did well.
For your 'second' fic, this was pretty good. A mite weird in pacing, and it could take some editing, but good.
2374065
Thanks. The pacing did feel a little off - I was trying to go for 'dream' pacing, with Luna pushing the story along so that she could get to the 'good bit' - but that didn't seem to work.
Ah well, I'll work on it. Thanks for the feedback
Messy? Where?
The dream sequence was weird paced, but that is expected since it is a dream.
Just keep writing. You have potential, it would be sad to see it disappear.
However, I was mostly laughing my ass of through most of the dream. (Damn, why is it there no Trolluna pic)
>the magic flow even intensified as a the policemare's tongue
You have an extra a
>the mares drove the dildos into the others' marehoods
My outer grammar nazi says that the apostrophe should be before the s, but my inner grammar nazi is unsure and wants the entire sentence to be changed
yes, I want to see Twi help her friends, that could be hilarious. Nice job with the chapter, I don't think the dream's pace was too weird, Luna just wanted to skip to the "good bit" so she hit fast-forwards. It's just a waeird pace if it happened outside of the dream.
2375593
Thanks it's nice to know that some people are enjoying the humour - I really wasn't sure if it was working or if I should drop it (and the comedy tag) entirely.
2376690
Thanks for those. Corrected the first one. The second line was indeed clunky - I've tried to rewrite it for clarity. I really appreciate you pointing those out to me - thanks
2376781
Thanks for the feedback. I don't have any concrete ideas for the next chapter. I'll probably have Twilight get back to Ponyville and deal with the consequences of the memory spell she left for herself. As for helping her friends, I haven't decided on the OTP yet - RariJack and AppleDash both work well for me and I need to work out which one will work better with this story.
2377883 Better
So they are a bit into roleplay?^^ How about nightmare moon won and wants to make celestias student her slave? As a comedy bonus you could let celestia stumble upon them
I have one suggestion to make and that is, wait for Twilight and Luna to fall in love. Too often I find stories where 10 seconds after a sweaty muskfest between two ponies ends, they've already declared their eternal love for one another. I think there is a vast distinction between infatuation/lust and love, and that it is very often ignored. In the real world, it can take months for couples to declare love for one another. Basically, I recommend trying to imagine the ponies as people for a second and think about if it would make sense for them to do what their doing. Hope that helps.
2383667
Thanks, techtwotiger. It is a very good point, and I am clearly guilty of having both parties going too fast.
I was planning on having them spending time together for purposes other than sex and that would hopefully solidify the relationship, but it is early days yet. They've been a couple for what, twelve hours maybe?
I shall try and keep it in mind.
Your process of writing is wonderful, and hey in my opinion roleplays can lead to many many chapters
This is still exelent! Great chapter two. I could immediacy tell that Twilight was in a dream and that Luna had sorta invaded it... the scene was sooo funny. now all thats needed is for Celestia to walk in to greet her sis to find the two snuggling in bed (or...not... if they happen to be engaged...)
This dream sequence popped an idea into my mind. One of the complaints about the first chapter that showed up in the comments was how powerful that re-do spell Twilight crafted could be. The gag at the end softened things a whole lot, but still left that enormous power ticking away in the plot.
Now what if Twilight was only dreaming about having crafted that spell, and her visit to Luna in Canterlot, and suppose that Luna just happened to be doing a little peeking into Twilight's dreams, after all, part of the story implies that Luna has a strong interest in Twilight.
If you were ever inclined to do so, I don't think it would take a whole lot of editing to stick most of that first chapter into a dream sequence and that would solve the whole omnipotent aspect of that do-over spell.
I am enjoying it as is however, just making a suggestion.
I stinking died, man. DIED AGAIN! Brilliant!
But for all these years I have never been the ruler of my own dreams.
I have seen the Gates of Oblivion, beyond which no waking eye may see. Behold, in Darkness a Doom sweeps the land.
This is the 27th of Last Seed; the Year of Akatosh 433. These are the closing days of the Third Era, and the final hours of my life.
This... this is the kind of Luna that I like to read. Not the Luna that's aggressive, not the Luna that's a prankster, not the Luna that behaves like everypony else. I like the lonely Luna, the desperate Luna, the Luna who has suffered a thousand years of isolation, and longs only for the affection of somepony else. Despite the crimes of her past, despite her current royal nature, she's just a pony who wants to love and to be loved, and who's honestly scared of hurting another. That's the best kind of Luna for me; that's the Luna that would seem to be most loyal to her personality in the show.
Also, hornjobs. Love you, author.
4701910
Thanks, Doctor_P0N3, glad you're enjoying it so far. I'm afraid my Luna does enjoy a prank or two, but I hope you enjoy the story anyway.
pinkie must have broke into other dimensions to get more of herself gosh darn it.
>>beacjere dang it Pinkie Pie, not again!
4701910
Fancy seeing a comment from you.