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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I think Luna needs a decent slap! Twilight meant they should be equals in eachothers hearts, she knows Luna is more powerful and long lived. I get that Luna is scared but still. I have a feeling Rarity and Applejack, and possibly Pinkie, will give her a good telling off next time they see her.
Wooooooooo, problems in paradise! I liked!! Don't let her escape, Twilight!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow Luna really needs a slap in the face, probably followed by a hug.
Still that seemed really harsh and hateful... even for luna.
I has a sad now
---
Part of me wonders how much of this could have been avoided if Twilight had just explained what she meant by 'equal'. I mean sure, Luna is way more powerful than Twi and she *is* a princess, but that shouldn't mean anything in the context of the relationship, should it?
I can't help but place most of the blame right at Luna's hooves - I have to agree that it does seem like she is treating Twilight more as... I dunno, a pleasant distraction? I'd almost like to see Twilight do nothing just to see if Luna tries to work things out first (which she should, IMO).
Yeah, I'm a little miffed at Luna.
Great chapter I love good drama
Edit: after giving it some more thought, I can see this taking AliTwi as a shortcut to making her and Luna equals. I hope that doesn't happen for awhile after these two resolve their differences
K that's it, this is the third story I have read where something terrible has gone wrong, so I am calling it a night, great chapter but duces i'm out!
Kind of hoping Luna gets smacked.
3405812>>3405831>>3406328
Thanks for the feedback guys. This is why I ask for it so often: it really shows where I've made a misstep . For background info, I've written about 7,600 words of the next chapter, but I'm going to have to go back and change some of it, to keep the story going in the right direction.
I want Luna to remain a sympathetic figure and I'm clearly not achieving that at the moment. She was over-reacting, but she had reasons for her response. I need to express those reasons more explicitly and see if I can recover from here.
Thanks again for taking the time to post.
3405918
I'm sorry you feel that way Fuedra, but can well understand. Unfortunately, classic story structure requires some bad things to happen for the end of the story to have a sense of resolution and closure.
I thought long and hard about this one, and couldn't see a way of avoiding it without losing any sense of satisfaction from the story at all. Maybe a more experienced story-teller could do it another way, but I don't have that level of skill yet. To compensate for the problem, I didn't end the chapter at the point where Luna walked out the door, to try and avoid ending on a downer. Judging from your comments and those of others, this didn't work. I'm still learning.
If it's any consolation, I plan on resolving the problems here very quickly.
3405818
Thanks for the feedback, SHL.
3405842
Thanks for the feedback, Archlyn. For the record, I have no intention of turning Twilight into an alicorn as a deus ex machina to resolve her relationship woes. I might do it for other reasons, but it would have to wait for everything else to get sorted. Turning her into an alicorn until then just feels like lazy writing to me.
3405920
Eesh. 100,000 words. Talk about biting off more than you can chew. Oh well, at least the end is in sight. Thanks for the feedback and thanks for sticking around
3406578
Anything you need, RandomString
3406578
Good to know
3406578 I think the worst part is before that I saw her in a positive light but she just turned on a dime into a child who justifies her stupid actions poorly.
3407088
Hmm - thanks. That gives me some clues as to what I did wrong.
3407424
I have to agree with the previous comment you replied to, at first I was sad and worried about luna, if a bit mad at her refusal to let twi help with her problems, but then it seems like her whole personality changed out of nowhere, like she didn't care about twilight at all.
3406578
Oh I'll be back for the next chapter, but I was just tired last night of all the tears I was shedding, and your story just happened to be the last straw of the day.
No hard feelings?
Talking is too hard for Twilight. Clearly the only way to go is to become immortal.
I actually think Princess Celestia is going to be more pissed at Luna than Twilight.
3407489
Grr. Now I want to rewrite this chapter. I clearly messed up that argument and it is so tempting to just go back and make it better. There were three points in that chapter I wasn't certain on. Looks like I got away with the others, but two of out of three is not good enough in this context. I may compromise on a quick mini-chapter to give Luna PoV or something. Would break reading continuity a touch, but would let me try to get things back on course.
You have no idea how frustrating this is. I get this close to the end of the story and then really mess things up and I may not have enough room to bring things round before the end.
3407551
Of course no hard feelings, Fuedra Thanks for sticking with me. The rest of the chapters should be much happier.
3407574
Thanks for the feedback, Bulder. I'm afraid all my characters have a hard time expressing themselves. It's almost as if I have the exact same problem
3407616
Wasn't planning on showing it directly (although if I go 'Luna mini-chapter' I may), but yeah, Luna's going to get a stern talking to.
3407641
*tackle glomp*
Hmm, well Luna did get the shit scared out of her, so she is going to say some silly, silly things. I'm interested in how the resolution will play out.
3407641 I'm sorry but wouldn't you want someone to tell you now instead of the end of the fic.
3406578 You're doing ok, Luna is still someone I feel sympathy for, but she really needs to apologise and do some serious ass-kissing to make it up to Twilight. (Note: that was a figure of speech, although actual ass-kissing could be another weird thing for them to explore..)
3408260
Absolutely - thanks for pointing this out.
3408991
Yup - she will make things up to her. I think I'll leave the actual ass-kissing metaphorical - not one my of fetishes.
3410467 yeah not one of mine either, just realized when I typed it that it could easily be interpreted that way.
Well... after going so well I think Luna came a bit out of nowhere with that. It wasn't too bad, but after Luan crying and the fails of last chapter, it was perhaps a little strong. If you explained it from her view, it would probably help.
For the most part, it was a great chapter.
Thanks for the Flutterdash hint. I can imagine what they were doing that prevented them from attending the meeting (the hints there and Twi's trip to Fluttershy's cottage was some of my fave parts in the chapter. I like how she looked up at the stars and was able to experence them all over again. plus, angel bunny was kinda funny, willingly locking himself out like that.)
seduction... maybe not seduction. Because Luna is already in love with Twi, so its more a case of getting her lover back and getting luna to see her as equals. (its the one thing I like about Alicorn Twilight... TwiLuna becomes even more reasonable since they are now two princesses.)
3407641 Show it, show it, show it!
3413551 Seconded
3412818
Hi FlutterDash7. Sorry it felt abrupt. I can't in good conscience go back and edit the text, so I'm currently working on a Luna-centric chapter, trying to explain what happened and why. Hopefully I can persuade Luna to redeem herself in my readers' eyes.
You're right that 'seduction' isn't quite the right word, and I might even change it at some point, but it'll do for now.
3413551>>3413624
I'm working on it right now. Just trying to balance things out and smooth things over at the moment. The last thing I want is for everyone to say 'Now Celestia has done a 180 and needs a slap in the face' after this chapter is done
3421540 Yaaaay!