I blame them... they decided to f**k in public. On the other hand Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara are the only real reoccurring villains in the series, but I can see the point in making them the conflict of the fic, so that when they are defeated victory looks even better. I do question what the dynamic duo was doing in a bush following their teacher and classmate all night; that type of stalker behavior is what gets celebrities killed.
Really the only illegal thing Cheerilee and Rumble have technically done is public indecency and the whole teacher-student thing is frowned upon in most cases.
Rumble needs help, he needs the CMC Team. The three of them rigged a parade float to careen off a cliff using a perfectly timed plan and that was against Applebloom's own cousin, imagine what they'd do to SS and DT. Their evil black mailing plan seems like it was ripped out of an episode of the A-team.
2534241 Okay... but enough about Junes! Let's talk about Murders! Don't tell anyone about this, but I suspect that the blackmailer will most likely become an unfortunate victim of an anvil in the near future.
It's stories and chapters like this one that makes me wish we could up-vote/down-vote individual chapters as well as stories. If we could this would have 3 up-votes from me already, and that's saying something since I usually don't like either anthro or humanized ponies.
The clop was very well written.
Keep up the good work, but don't slack off on your studies.
Aside from public indecency, no. Although the in the western world, a teacher having relations with a student can be considered suicide of both their reputation as a teacher, and their social life. There is a sense of professionalism that gets lost as well. It is somewhat of the same reason why doctors or people in the crime field are generally discouraged to work on cases that they are involved with in some way; it is assumed they simply cannot stay professional.
2534138 they may both be of age. and nothing can really be done about it. But think about this. Cheerilee could lose her job for this. But to be honest, I wouldnt' care if it was for love.
2535251 If you want to read it. You should try my fic New land, new customs, new life...new love? I just added another chapter, putting it at 38,000 words. And a warning before hand, it is absolutely riddled with clop, but keep with it. it does in fact have a plot. no pun intended. haha.
For the the two new love birds I have to say congrats for the two of them
Now for the stalker/blackmailer, here is what I have to say to you. Both me and my buddy hereimages2.fanpop.com/image/photos/13600000/Hollow-Ichigo-hollow-ichigo-13631004-1024-768.jpg are going to give you a chance to hand over those photos with out any trouble. But if the Stalker's/Blackmailers are both the little bitches known as Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara, well my only option by that point will be this
“If you want to know what they are, you’ll have to come.” but what if the other things is what makes him come?...zing!
"walk thru the town" again, through, not thru
"Cheerilee’s face turned red as she realized what he was laughing about, and she quickly swallowed." no context is fun!
"glistened in the moonlight" HOLD THE PHONE, they been out there for how long exactly?
Constructive criticism (I hope[sorry if I get nit picky]): You seem to focus on characters, which is good, though you don't do much on the environment. Try to summarize the environment in a way that projects the mood of the scene. Some things seem to be pasted in. A good example is "With that Cheerilee moved her arms behind her back and began to unzip her dress. To tease him even more she unzipped it slowly, making him wait for it." It would sound better if it were more like "With that Cheerilee moved her arms behind her back and began to slowly unzip her dress, just to tease him, she wanted to make him wait for it" after the comma though, you could substitute any reason really. "lacy black bra and matching panties." another example, this time a tad much. Could be "lacy black bra and panties" because the lacy and black apply to both. " lips -- hell, him just touching her body " the 'hell' doesn't flow. It makes it seem like she wants it badly and it clashes with her indecisiveness and slowness of the scene. "down across her sexy, little belly, stopping" show, don't tell. "down across her slim, toned belly, stopping" "“Oh...God...Yes! Please Rumble!” Cheerilee panted" you didn't really lead up to this. It felt like romantic cuddling, getting sexual, then bam she is suddenly a cock craving whore. Just kinda jumps. "in her femcum." Try "in her juices" because you seem to jump around with the vocabulary, setting the mood from hardcore banging, to romantic lovemaking. I'll admit, I'm assuming you are going for the romantic lovemaking here because it would make more sense (at least to me). "both of them knowing that slow wasn’t winning this race anymore" a really great line, fits the surrounding words nicely and changes the mood well.
A pretty good chapter with a nice cliffhanger. I'll edit and recommend and stuff before you post here if you want, keep up the good work
2535026 which is kinda bullshit. Now the surgeons and police, things concerning the law sure. I think though, if X happens (they say fuck someone) it should have no impact on their career as long as is has no impact.
To be quite frank, I was slightly disappointed. Not that it isn't very well written, but I found it to be a bit rushed. While it is well implied that they have a relationship beyond the physical, I would have liked to SEE that. The fair would have been a nice chance to have them talk, develop and show how they function as a couple. Your first chapter set them up very well, with some background on the two and how they see each other, but this chapter would have profited from more characterization. Also, it would have helped if you had implemented their personalities more into the sexual act itself: You set Rumble up as slightly shy and gentle, yet he roughly undresses her and goes for the "goods" immediately, instead of maybe prolonging foreplay and asking for permission (just suggestions how it could play out of course). Same for Cheeilee. She is a teacher, wouldn't it make sense if she showed him how to please her, named certain things... nothing cartoony or over the top teacher behaviour, just you know: More characterization. Like you had it in the first chapter. Again: I liked it, but I wish I could have loved it. Its good as it is, not as good as it could have been. PS: great cliffhanger.
That is the problem though, how could we tell which teachers are capable of staying professional and which ones are not? What is preventing a teacher from giving extended deadlines to homework and even altering grades for their lover? Sure, most teachers worth their salt probably wouldn't do such foolish things, but it is something to take into consideration. I figure people should be able to go at it as long as they are of legal age, but I understand the social stigma behind a teacher dating a student, and what problems it could bring.
2536022. The sad truth is you're right. To be honest I should wait till I'm home to write this, but I can't wait. This comment hurt me, not because it was hate filled or anything, but because it was so very right. I wanted to make Rumble...I dunno, take a more dominate stance I suppose, but I'm starting to believe that failed. I took months for this update, it wasn't rushed, it was perhapse mislead. Maybe I need to step back and be proud of what I made, but part of me can't. Sorry if this seems like a whiny comment, but its how I'm feeling right now. Sorry if the chapter disappointed you.
Rumble wearing a cloak walks into the Apple orchard at dusk, there is a rolling fog with a single light in the distance as he approaches, it's the hanging lantern of the CMC Clubhouse.
Rumble had known the these weren't just a group of friends that hung out and did stuff, he'd heard rumors of them doing everything from releasing political enemies trapped in stone (Discord) to removing would be dictators. They were the best, but subtlety wasn't their strong suit as their actions are known for the sheer amount of collateral actions that result in their wake.
He was thankful that his brother was dating Dash whom was friends with the rest of the group's sisters.
"Alrighty, let's get down to brass tax."
"Okay, but you have to Pinkie Promise me that you won't breath a word of this to anyone."
The three young women went through the motions.
"I've... been having relations with...Miss Cheerilee..."
"What was that?"
Rumble took a deep breath. "I said...I'm dating Cheerilee....
Scootaloo interrupted the desperate man. "Nice."
"....and a few weeks ago when we were having relations in the park, a small group took pictures of us and are now blackmailing us."
"So, let me get this straight, you and our teacher were pickling the cucumber outside, someone took pictures and is threatening to destroy both your reputations?"
"Tact as ever, Scoots."
"What?"
"I need them to stop. I don't have much money, but..."
"Don't worry about."
"Why?"
"Because Miss Cheerilee is the best teacher EVER!!!" The three crusaders yelled in unison.
Applebloom looked anxious. "Well, that and we sorted ruined hearts and Hooves Day for her one year by tryin' to set her up with mah brother."
"For all purposes, you just hired the C-Team."
--------
(Three Days Later) There was a massive explosion at the clock tower in Ponyville and news reports said only two people were killed in the blast, but there was an estimated 500,000 dollars in property damage with a blue and gold GMC van reported leaving the area.
Cheerilee and Rumble watched the news report on TV with a shocked expression on their faces. O_0
2536622 HEy, man, you mad€e a mistake, no big deal: There are really nice moments, like when he talks to her with her mouth full of cookie and such, but it feels as if you tried to force them into a spot where they wouldn't be. I even get your point: Making Rumble lmore dominant would give her a less "predator" kind of ethic and your readers were probably dsappointed that there was no clop in the last one, but you have to stay honest to the characters, man. They will only work if wou work WITH them. Just keep this in mind: the idea of their relatioship getting uncovered is bad, but it has much more impact if the relationship is well developed and deep. If we know that they are meant for each other and that its unfortunate that some years are between them. I'm sorry that I made you sad. I just meant to help you make your story better. I know you have a great story here and if you let characters do their thing and show us what is at stake, you have a lot ahead of you
25372482536860 While they are used for groups most of the time, they and themselves can be used as singular, gender neutral pronoun. As opposed to he/himself or her/herself which would assign a sex to the person.
Yes! Finally! I love the clop!
Can already tell. The 2 at the end are a couple of rich bitches everyone hates.
That person is going to face some SERIOUS pain after this. Blackmail, plus 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.'
Only one way to deal with rich bitches
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTMRPqE4U3SDJltR7yVM5Ak1wKj2kkqbi42Dj6OX1Omc3i8N8af
That's right perform dangerous experiments on them
2533669Are you sure? May be Featherweight.
why a peeper was there to screw the perfect shit? GOD DAMN IT AUTHOR, DONT YOU DARE TO DO WHAT IM THINKING YOU WILL DO!
... Oh dear oh dear oh dear...
Shit storm is coming.
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/091/829/shitstorm%20a-brewin%27.png
I blame them... they decided to f**k in public. On the other hand Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara are the only real reoccurring villains in the series, but I can see the point in making them the conflict of the fic, so that when they are defeated victory looks even better. I do question what the dynamic duo was doing in a bush following their teacher and classmate all night; that type of stalker behavior is what gets celebrities killed.
Really the only illegal thing Cheerilee and Rumble have technically done is public indecency and the whole teacher-student thing is frowned upon in most cases.
Rumble needs help, he needs the CMC Team. The three of them rigged a parade float to careen off a cliff using a perfectly timed plan and that was against Applebloom's own cousin, imagine what they'd do to SS and DT. Their evil black mailing plan seems like it was ripped out of an episode of the A-team.
"CMC Mercenaries, yay!"
2534078
I never said it was Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon at the end....
you'll see who it is soon enough though
2534078
But who knows, maybe your right after all.....:3
2534103
Seriously? Damn, I really wanted to see those two suckers get punched in the face for being such bitches.
If they are both of consenting age, nothing can legally be done about it, right? Or am I proving myself a dumbass here...
2534116
I never said it wasn't either,~
Maybe your right, maybe your wrong. Time will tell my friend
2534171
Okaaaay...
2534185
sheesh,
What a total creep.
2534197
Yeah. Good thing we'll never see him ever again!
... Except for that mysterious blackmailer.
We probably will.
2534207
Yeah, we will. But that's guaranteed.
Just like the guaranteed values at Junes! And Remember:
Every day's great at your Junes!
2534241
Okay... but enough about Junes!
Let's talk about Murders!
Don't tell anyone about this, but I suspect that the blackmailer will most likely become an unfortunate victim of an anvil in the near future.
2534275
Shut up Adachi-
err...Chaotic Note
Now go get me a box of those cute little ice cream things i like.
2534311
Wouldn't you rather have steak instead, sir?
2534325
STEAK! STEAK STEAK STEAK!
2534335
I hope you brought some beary awesome steak sauce for this, as well as some beary awesome cranbeary salad.
2534361
Ok, we need to stop this. XD
Its unbearable!
2534376
Oh why do you have to be the worst killjoy in the world?!
We were just about to enter the Trial of the Alicorn!
2534393
XD
Because I guarantee the other commentators are just shaking their heads going:
"Fucking idiots."
2534418
Well... at least I have balls.
I looove dem balls.
Besides, the life of a fan fiction author is so cruel and hard.
Ha-whaaaa? Part two!?
It's stories and chapters like this one that makes me wish we could up-vote/down-vote individual chapters as well as stories. If we could this would have 3 up-votes from me already, and that's saying something since I usually don't like either anthro or humanized ponies.
The clop was very well written.
Keep up the good work, but don't slack off on your studies.
Good stuff, man. Hope to see more soon.
grabs .45, loads it, is on the hunt...
2534138
Aside from public indecency, no. Although the in the western world, a teacher having relations with a student can be considered suicide of both their reputation as a teacher, and their social life. There is a sense of professionalism that gets lost as well. It is somewhat of the same reason why doctors or people in the crime field are generally discouraged to work on cases that they are involved with in some way; it is assumed they simply cannot stay professional.
2534138 they may both be of age. and nothing can really be done about it. But think about this. Cheerilee could lose her job for this. But to be honest, I wouldnt' care if it was for love.
2535233
Well yes, the job. But like you said, that shouldn't get in the way of true love...
2535251 If you want to read it. You should try my fic New land, new customs, new life...new love? I just added another chapter, putting it at 38,000 words. And a warning before hand, it is absolutely riddled with clop, but keep with it. it does in fact have a plot. no pun intended. haha.
For the the two new love birds I have to say congrats for the two of them
Now for the stalker/blackmailer, here is what I have to say to you. Both me and my buddy hereimages2.fanpop.com/image/photos/13600000/Hollow-Ichigo-hollow-ichigo-13631004-1024-768.jpg are going to give you a chance to hand over those photos with out any trouble. But if the Stalker's/Blackmailers are both the little bitches known as Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara, well my only option by that point will be this
“If you want to know what they are, you’ll have to come.”
but what if the other things is what makes him come?...zing!
"walk thru the town" again, through, not thru
"Cheerilee’s face turned red as she realized what he was laughing about, and she quickly swallowed." no context is fun!
"glistened in the moonlight" HOLD THE PHONE, they been out there for how long exactly?
Constructive criticism (I hope[sorry if I get nit picky]):
You seem to focus on characters, which is good, though you don't do much on the environment. Try to summarize the environment in a way that projects the mood of the scene.
Some things seem to be pasted in. A good example is "With that Cheerilee moved her arms behind her back and began to unzip her dress. To tease him even more she unzipped it slowly, making him wait for it."
It would sound better if it were more like "With that Cheerilee moved her arms behind her back and began to slowly unzip her dress, just to tease him, she wanted to make him wait for it" after the comma though, you could substitute any reason really.
"lacy black bra and matching panties." another example, this time a tad much. Could be "lacy black bra and panties" because the lacy and black apply to both.
" lips -- hell, him just touching her body " the 'hell' doesn't flow. It makes it seem like she wants it badly and it clashes with her indecisiveness and slowness of the scene.
"down across her sexy, little belly, stopping" show, don't tell. "down across her slim, toned belly, stopping"
"“Oh...God...Yes! Please Rumble!” Cheerilee panted" you didn't really lead up to this. It felt like romantic cuddling, getting sexual, then bam she is suddenly a cock craving whore. Just kinda jumps.
"in her femcum." Try "in her juices" because you seem to jump around with the vocabulary, setting the mood from hardcore banging, to romantic lovemaking. I'll admit, I'm assuming you are going for the romantic lovemaking here because it would make more sense (at least to me).
"both of them knowing that slow wasn’t winning this race anymore" a really great line, fits the surrounding words nicely and changes the mood well.
A pretty good chapter with a nice cliffhanger. I'll edit and recommend and stuff before you post here if you want, keep up the good work
2535026
which is kinda bullshit. Now the surgeons and police, things concerning the law sure. I think though, if X happens (they say fuck someone) it should have no impact on their career as long as is has no impact.
I just hope we dont have to wait as long for the clifhanger to be alleviated.
I was JUST thinking about this fic. I wish I had time to read before school though
To be quite frank, I was slightly disappointed. Not that it isn't very well written, but I found it to be a bit rushed. While it is well implied that they have a relationship beyond the physical, I would have liked to SEE that. The fair would have been a nice chance to have them talk, develop and show how they function as a couple. Your first chapter set them up very well, with some background on the two and how they see each other, but this chapter would have profited from more characterization.
Also, it would have helped if you had implemented their personalities more into the sexual act itself: You set Rumble up as slightly shy and gentle, yet he roughly undresses her and goes for the "goods" immediately, instead of maybe prolonging foreplay and asking for permission (just suggestions how it could play out of course). Same for Cheeilee. She is a teacher, wouldn't it make sense if she showed him how to please her, named certain things... nothing cartoony or over the top teacher behaviour, just you know: More characterization. Like you had it in the first chapter.
Again: I liked it, but I wish I could have loved it.
Its good as it is, not as good as it could have been.
PS: great cliffhanger.
I'm glad to see that this is getting updated. *cough* Cosmonaut. *cough*
Probably not the best idea to be having sex outside if one's a screamer.
D'awww, another romantic chapter.
2535672
That is the problem though, how could we tell which teachers are capable of staying professional and which ones are not? What is preventing a teacher from giving extended deadlines to homework and even altering grades for their lover? Sure, most teachers worth their salt probably wouldn't do such foolish things, but it is something to take into consideration. I figure people should be able to go at it as long as they are of legal age, but I understand the social stigma behind a teacher dating a student, and what problems it could bring.
2536022. The sad truth is you're right. To be honest I should wait till I'm home to write this, but I can't wait. This comment hurt me, not because it was hate filled or anything, but because it was so very right. I wanted to make Rumble...I dunno, take a more dominate stance I suppose, but I'm starting to believe that failed. I took months for this update, it wasn't rushed, it was perhapse mislead. Maybe I need to step back and be proud of what I made, but part of me can't. Sorry if this seems like a whiny comment, but its how I'm feeling right now. Sorry if the chapter disappointed you.
2534108
I'm just picturing the scenario.
Rumble wearing a cloak walks into the Apple orchard at dusk, there is a rolling fog with a single light in the distance as he approaches, it's the hanging lantern of the CMC Clubhouse.
Rumble had known the these weren't just a group of friends that hung out and did stuff, he'd heard rumors of them doing everything from releasing political enemies trapped in stone (Discord) to removing would be dictators. They were the best, but subtlety wasn't their strong suit as their actions are known for the sheer amount of collateral actions that result in their wake.
He was thankful that his brother was dating Dash whom was friends with the rest of the group's sisters.
"Alrighty, let's get down to brass tax."
"Okay, but you have to Pinkie Promise me that you won't breath a word of this to anyone."
The three young women went through the motions.
"I've... been having relations with...Miss Cheerilee..."
"What was that?"
Rumble took a deep breath. "I said...I'm dating Cheerilee....
Scootaloo interrupted the desperate man. "Nice."
"....and a few weeks ago when we were having relations in the park, a small group took pictures of us and are now blackmailing us."
"So, let me get this straight, you and our teacher were pickling the cucumber outside, someone took pictures and is threatening to destroy both your reputations?"
"Tact as ever, Scoots."
"What?"
"I need them to stop. I don't have much money, but..."
"Don't worry about."
"Why?"
"Because Miss Cheerilee is the best teacher EVER!!!" The three crusaders yelled in unison.
Applebloom looked anxious. "Well, that and we sorted ruined hearts and Hooves Day for her one year by tryin' to set her up with mah brother."
"For all purposes, you just hired the C-Team."
--------
(Three Days Later)
There was a massive explosion at the clock tower in Ponyville and news reports said only two people were killed in the blast, but there was an estimated 500,000 dollars in property damage with a blue and gold GMC van reported leaving the area.
Cheerilee and Rumble watched the news report on TV with a shocked expression on their faces. O_0
So, is there one blackmailer or two? Cause it says "they said" and "themselves", yet at the end you use the singular "stranger"
Yeah...I'm gonna need more of this... because reasons...
2536860
I think its just the one. Using "themselves" to mean singular seems wrong to me too but I've seen other writers do it
2536622 HEy, man, you mad€e a mistake, no big deal: There are really nice moments, like when he talks to her with her mouth full of cookie and such, but it feels as if you tried to force them into a spot where they wouldn't be. I even get your point: Making Rumble lmore dominant would give her a less "predator" kind of ethic and your readers were probably dsappointed that there was no clop in the last one, but you have to stay honest to the characters, man. They will only work if wou work WITH them.
Just keep this in mind: the idea of their relatioship getting uncovered is bad, but it has much more impact if the relationship is well developed and deep. If we know that they are meant for each other and that its unfortunate that some years are between them.
I'm sorry that I made you sad. I just meant to help you make your story better. I know you have a great story here and if you let characters do their thing and show us what is at stake, you have a lot ahead of you
2537248 2536860
While they are used for groups most of the time, they and themselves can be used as singular, gender neutral pronoun. As opposed to he/himself or her/herself which would assign a sex to the person.