Uprising

by John 117

Chapter 1- An Evenings Events

Luna awoke with a cold sweat. She sat up in her bed, holding the sheets close to her body. She glanced around her room. It was almost dawn. Had that been all a dream? It almost seemed like a…a memory…. She heard a knocking at her door and rose from her bed, drawing a bathrobe around her exposed form. She walked up to it and slid back the deadbolt, and opened the heavy door with little trouble. Outside stood her sister, wearing her normal white gown and crown; her hair was flowing down in a large cascade of pastel coloring. Being the goddess of the sun, she wore mainly light colored clothing, as where Luna preferred more dark tones. She smiled towards her sister and nodded in greeting.

“Greetings Tia. I suspect that thou hath, eh, have come to awaken me for my duties?” Her sister nodded, and Luna let her in to her room. She closed the door behind her and walked towards her bathroom.

“I was just coming in to check and see how you were. Night is close, so I thought now would be a good time.” Luna nodded and walked into her wardrobe. She discarded her bathrobe and shivered as her nude form was revealed to the elements. She ran her hands through her soft fur and shivered once more. Her horn glowed and a fire was set ablaze in the fire pit; its flames dark blue, but still giving off plenty of heat. She looked around in her wardrobe for clothing and picked out a dark blue dress that was somewhat sliming, and fit her figure. It was dark blue with long silk sleeves. She looked back and grabbed a dark black cloak as well, needing it for the night’s events. She stopped by her crown and neck piece. She thought better of it and left it behind, not wanting to draw attention to herself

“We, eh, I am faring well sister. These times are much different from the one I left, but ponies will always be ponies.” She smiled as she walked back out into the now warming room. Her sister sat on her bed and was looking out towards the dawn lit sky. It was alight with bright hues of orange and pink, but farther out revealed that night was approaching, with dark blues surrounding it. Her sister saw what she was wearing and frowned.

“And where are you off to Lu-Lu?” Luna smirked at the pet name.

“Out for the evening. I thought it best so that I get accustomed to the times, so I’ve been doing it recently.” Celestia nodded, and looked back towards the sky. She seemed to be thinking about something. Luna sat next to her and looked where her sister was looking.

“We have out done ourselves as of late, sister.” Celestia smiled and nodded, looking down to her feet.

“Is there something the matter, Tia?” Celestia smiled and shook her head.

“Just some thought’s I’ve been pondering.” She looked up and looked Luna in the eye. Luna wanted to question her further on the matter, but thought better of it.

“Are you sure you don’t remember anything from…the event?” Luna was shocked. This never came up between them, and Luna most certainly hated talking about it whenever it did. She had been back for over a month now, and things had calmed down somewhat. That still didn’t mean it hurt though. Luna shook her head, looking away back to the sunset. She could feel her magic start to take into effect; the position of the now dawning sun and the rising moon. It was an old feeling that she had missed for a thousand years.

“Nothing really; but whenever I do, it’s in small fragments, almost as if it were a dream. They usual come in the form a dream really…” Luna told her about her dream. It had a lasting effect on her sister, but she said nothing of it; saying that it was probably just a nightmare, for nightmare it was, but a real one.

“I suppose I should retire for the night, goodnight Lu-Lu.” Celestia smiled and hugged her tight. Luna returned it happily. She rose from the bed and walked Celestia out of her door, locking it behind her as she left. She walked towards her balcony and opened the grand Prench doors. The wind caught her hood, and it billowed behind her head. She quickly grabbed it and chuckled to herself, putting it back over her head, covering most of her features. She let her wings unfold from her clothing and took flight, aiming towards the lower part of Canterlot.

I wonder what surprises await me tonight…

Soaring high into the now night sky, Luna glided for a few moments, enjoying the feel of the wind rustling through her feathers. Few times did she ever get to enjoy herself now; she was always busy with royal duties. But when ever she could, she enjoyed those moments immensely. Flying through clouds, letting her wing tips flow through them, it all made her feel so...peaceful. However, reality asked that she return to it. Coming away from her peace, she decened towards the streets of Canterlot, ready for the night.
_______________________________________________________________________________

Luna walked down alleyway after ally way, conversing with ponies all around. Most were happy to see her, some surprised and even ecstatic. She talked with them for a few moments, telling them about the news off the kingdom, prying into their lives somewhat; the ones she was familiar with she asked more about, how their family was and if they were faring well with the economy. They all gladly talked to her, saying everything was well and that she and her sister were doing great at ruling. That was most of the crowd; however she did receive negative feelings from others. She got prying eyes from hooded figures who sipped on hard cider and ale; and few even ran when they saw here.

I need to be more careful around some of these ponies. Her hooves clopped against the cobbled road as she moved away from them. She noticed a figure wearing a large brimmed fedora with a black western duster begin to follow her. She began to walk faster, trying to avoid the pony. She began to run quickly, dodging ponies and shop dealers as the pony following her quickened his pace as well. She rounded a corner into a dark alley through a large crowd; hopefully losing her trailer. She breathed heavily, clutching her chest to steady herself. Her grabbed her hood and pulled it back, looking up to the sky.

“I suppose I lost him.” At that a laugh was heard down the alley way. Luna turned her head to see a gang approaching her. One was a unicorn, holding a bat in on hand; the others were earth ponies who were mostly armed in the same fashion. The unicorn laughed deep and grabbed his chest.

“Well missy, I donna ‘oh you ‘ere runin’ from, but now ‘ur in a bigger pickle.” Hefting his bat, his horn glowed and Luna was pinned. An earth pony came up and placed a gold ring around her horn. Try as she might, her magic would not work.

"An’ now ‘ur fucked. A pretty face like ‘urs’ll pay a handsome price at any ‘hore house.” He laughed and walked up to her. She tried to move away, but she couldn't even twitch.

“Aw, is somepony scared? Now don’t be, Mr. Bowlenberral ‘ll take good care a ya.”

“Vile vermin! Do you know who I am? I am Princess Luna!” At that the stallions all laughed, clutching their stomachs. A few fell to the ground from laughter.

"Aye, and I’m married to ‘er. Nice joke ya got the girly, but it won’t save ya. Now quiet up or I’ll make you!” At that he slapped her again across the face. How could they not know who I am? These stupid stallions don’t even recognize me! At that a murmur went up through the gang of stallions. Some began to back away from their leader. Ah, I see they have recognized me. Good! One of the thugs piped up to his leader.

“B-Boss, I think we’d better get outa here…” The unicorn turned to his lackey and looked back to where he was pointing. Luna looked as well confused, only to see the hatted figure from before. He had a long piece of metal in his hand, and on closer inspection, had a sword strapped to his back under his coat.

“For your safety I suggest you let go of the mare and leave like gentlecolts.” At that the gang laughed. Some stepped forward at him hefting the bats onto their shoulders, only to be stopped by the now drawn sword. It had a slightly curved blade, and was black at night. Its hand guard was round and appeared to the made of either onyx or obsidian. It pommel was long and covered in exotic fabrics.; meant for two handed fighting.

“Leave now and all of you will live. If you fight, well, some of you will walk away with sever wounds; the other won’t walk away at all.” At that he flashed a smiled from underneath his hat. The gang members looked at one another before nodding. One charged, swinging his bat straight for the figure, only to be brought down by the figure’s piece of metal. It shot out flame and smoke, and loud bang ringed out. The stallion fell to the ground, not even moving. The weapon was drawn to the stallion’s hip, or at least Luna thought it sounded like a stallion. He tilted his head so that a single eye looked out towards his assailants. Luna saw it was a dark brown. I always liked that eye color…. Luna was snapped from her thoughts when another bang went off. More ponies had charged Luna’s would-be savior, one of which was brought down by his weapon. He charged them as well, putting his weapon away and hefting his sword to his chest. He shoved into another lackey and pushed him to the ground, slicing his inner leg with the blade of his sword. He twirled around and brought the flat of the blade down on the ear of another, dazing him. He tried to bring the bat down on his head, but only succeeded in hitting his knee. The figure stiffened in pain, but wasn't over run with it.

Drawing the sword back, he drove it into the stallion’s neck. Luna was both fascinated and horrified by the stunning show before her. Two more charged at him, swinging the weapons as hard as they could. One was deflected by the flat of the stallions blade, while the other made contact wit his rib cage. Grunting, he doubled over, but not before pushing back his attackers.The leader of the now shortened gang was angry, and stormed forward, forgetting Luna and letting go of his magic over her. She fell to the ground, weak. She looked over to watch what was transpiring before her. The leader of the gang was running forward, a crowbar he took from one of his lackeys now in hand. He swung it down over the figures back, and he fell to his knees in pain.

"That oughta teach ya some manner's punk." With that he kicked him in the side, sending the stallion onto the ground. He began to walk away when laughter was heard. The stallion was getting up, abet very slowly, but he was up none the less. He stood up, bleeding from his nose. His hat had fallen away onto the cobbled street. Turning around, the boss snarled.

"Not had enough have ya? I'll fix that quick." Stomping forward, he swung his crowbar for the others head. In a lightning blur, his sword came up and blocked the attack with a loud *CLANG*. He began to laugh once more. The two struggled for a moment, trying to over power the other with brute strength.

"Been a long time since I've needed to try this much." With that he pressed forward and pushed his attacker back a step, swinging his sword in long arcs. The boss backed away, blocking what he could and tried to harm his assailant when ever he could. Kicking forward, he caught the him in the gut, but only to be fooled. Grabbing the hoof, the stallion lifted the boss off his feet. He landed on the ground with a deep *thud*. Turning around, he faced the other gang members. Stomping forward, he made the others flinch. Dropping the weapons, they turned and ran, leaving the leader behind. Luna smiled at that; no gang was close enough to risk their lives for one another.

"Cowards.." Nodding, he turned around and placed his sword of the now conscious boss. He was still dazed, and was about to get back up when he felt something cold and metallic touch his fur. He looked down and saw a black blade across it. He gulped and looked up to see the stallion looking down at him., nose and mouth bleeding. A small smile crossed his lips.

“For your crimes against Equestria and Her Royal Highness Princess Luna, I commit you to death.” Drawing his sword back over his head he prepared to cut down and sever the stallions neck when Luna called out.

“NO!” The blade stopped inches away from the stallion’s neck. The figure stopped and drew the blade away, sheathing it.

“As you wish.” Luna nodded, trying to stand on her own, but falling back down once more. The figure rushed to her aid, and helped her up. Wrapping one of her arms around his neck, he helped her to her feet. He looked to what remained of the gang.

“By her grace you live, now go, and do no wrong. For if you do I will find you, and you will regret the day you did any of this.” At that the boss stood up and fled for his life. Luna smiled and stood up a bit straight, nodding to her helper that she was indeed fine. He nodded and let go over her, turning around and going for his hat. Luna watched him pick it up and brush it off before placing it on his head.

"Who are you?" He smiled to her and bowed forward slightly. He grunted a little and bent over. He clutched at his side and pressed his palm against his rib cage. Muttering a few words, a steady glow emanated from his palm. Once it subsided, he stood back up with a satisfied smile on his face.

"Your humble servant and savior. As for who I actually am, my name is Metiphus Stormson." Luna looked back at him when he had finished the task. His features were so much different from anypony she had ever seen. Fist off, he wasn't a pony at all. He had no fur what so ever except for and his black hair which was trimmed down to a short size. His eyes were a dark brown, and his muzzle was none existent, except for a long nose that came out from it.

"You can perform magic?" Metiphus laughed at this and nodded.

"I am capable of many things, magic being one of them." Luna was utterly confused. This pony wasn't even a unicorn, and it could perform magic?

"What are you?" walking forward, Metiphus gestured for her to walk with him.

"I will answer what I can, but for now, let us continue this on a short walk back to the castle." He nodded her forward, and Luna complied, perplexed by this character. He seemed so familiar to her, as if he was from a dream of long ago. Walking forward, the two entered back into the main street and began a slow walk to the castle. Luna did not speak much, only when addressed by others around her. She nodded in a nice hello, exchanging a few words. Most who saw her though didn't come very close; they were intimidated by Metiphus. He himself walked idly by with his hands behind his back, taking the whole scene in before him. He didn't speak through the whole trip. Luna was happy to ignore him for now, but once they returned to the castle, she would have some questions for him, and no doubt her sister as well.

Comments

[MrZJunior]

What is this a crossover with?

[John 117]

2156653 The Inheritance Cycle, Its sort of a squeal. Kind of.

[MrZJunior]

2156673
Hmm ... It would help if you made that more clear in your description.

[John 117]

2156681 Ill edit that when i have a chance!

[Lepking13]

This story intrigues me.
a3.ec-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/42/db75f08c9476774fdb32d3db71ef6746/l.jpg

[AhugeAcidTree]

I fucking love the Inheritance Cycle.... so you better not fuck it up good luck

[John 117]

2156963 I'll try not to, but just remember, most of the original character wont be in this, and even if they are, it will be brief. So keep an open mind.

[kalash93]

Sweet Jesus, you sure picked a thorny one. Crossover with the Inheritance Cycle, Human, Alternate Universe, Sex, Gore, Anthropmorphization- oh my!
I strongly advise going through this: http://www.springhole.net/writing/marysue.htm

Criticism sledgehammer inbound!

The prologue was completely unnecessary. I don't understand why you have it. I'd unpublish that chapter. It's somewhat vague as to where and when it happened. I hate to say this, but even though this is an Inheritance Cycle crossover, just jumping headlong into it with a dragon rider fighting Nightmare Moon is asking for too much. That is a battle that Celestia really needs to fight herself. The prologue is also seriously limiting to what you can do in the future. The audience now knows for a fact about the OC and Luna. You could have gradually built up the relationship, or you could have hinted at it, leaving the readers in suspense over the possibilities. The prologue was painful to read. I found myself both unable to care about the characters and the action. When I have time, I'll send you a PM with a very detailed critique. The thing is just a mess. I think that it's superfluous; it would be much more interesting to gradually reveal these things over time through the plot and through character development. It would be very interesting to see Luna run into the stranger and not remember him at all, at least at first. Typically, prologues are only loosely connected to the main story. One last major thing you need to do is go over your mechanics, spelling, and diction. You misuse a lot of homophones and synonyms. It's up to you what you do with the prologue.

The first chapter started out strong. I really liked seeing Luna going throughout her day. Developing her character through her thoughts and interactions with Celestia and the public was quite nice. You do good character focus pieces when you knuckle down. It went downhill very quickly once the gang showed up. Here, again, you failed at generating any sort of dread in the audience. I don't even get the sense that Luna is all that afraid. My analysis is that there was just far too much dialogue for such a scene. Are they perpetrating sexual assault, or are they trying to convince others that they'll do it? What you then did was launch into a tasteless attempted rape scene. Anything sexual is really tough to handle well. Attempted rape as a throwaway excuse to get a plot going just ain't cool. Now something like a mugging is much easier to pull off and doesn't come across nearly as repulsive as sexual assault while still posing a tangible threat. The ending was just okay. I'll let it slide.

Sexual violence. NO! Just no!

The action fell flat. The threat never seemed the least bit credible. There's nothing to make them seem particularly dangerous or tough. You call them a gang, they manhandle Luna, and they're drunk. They could be quite threatening in a more grounded, realistic story. Of course, since you already set the bar so high in the prologue that nothing short of physical god even registers. The rider is already established in our minds as an epic badass. Just the description of him you give puts so much emphasis on him that there's no way to identify him as anything other than a game breaker. You're trying to make us feel tension over a confrontation between a Navy SEAL and some juvenile delinquents who sneak cigarettes and beer behind the convenience store.

I have to point out a recurring trend in your work. Overpowered badass characters are fun to write for. They're not fun to read about. Out of all your protagonists, the only one I ever recall actually identifying with was Matt from Paradise. Why? Because he was an ordinary man who had to struggle against impossible odds and pay a hefty price for his success. I understood him and his struggle. Spartans are top tier badasses and tough as nails across the board. Dragon riders are even worse, especially considering that yours seems to be an avatar of Chuck Norris. My point is that these characters don't seem vulnerable. How can I feel sorry for a transhuman space marine if his only problem seems to be that he doesn't always sleep through the night. In order to make the audience sympathize with a character, the character must first be relateable to us. Nobody relates to an invincible god of combat. Trying to make him seem more human by throwing in insecurities and bad dreams helps only a little bit. If that's all the price to pay for that kind of awesomeness, then it's practically theft. With this new protagonist, I can't see any potential for him to be anything besides a walking game breaker.

I'm noticing a lack of play between the different parties. There's no struggle. Party A does something to Party B. Party B does something to Party A. It almost feels as if I'm reading turn-based combat. They never cross swords; they aren't struggling to overcome their opponents. Action works because you feel anxiety for the protagonist. The fights like you describe seem more like ballets. You were also far too verbose. There's no need to deliver a speech when reprimanding thugs. Such things would work much better in an epic poem, but it comes across as silly here.

Avoid exposition dumps when you can. You put a lot of focus on the introduction of the badass. This not only broke the flow of the story, but also just made it too obvious what was to happen. I would have rather handled it with a quick warning by a figure Luna couldn't see properly. It goes ignored and a very brief fight breaks out. That would establish him as a badass much more quickly and effectively while avoiding turning the scene into a monument to the character,

I got the feeling that you're trying to be dark, edgy, or something like that. But still, sexual violence is a massive landmine; don't touch it!

Lastly, just how anthropomorphic are your ponies? I saw you call them hooves and hands interchangeably. Make the level of anthropomorphization obvious. If you don't yet have anthro ponies, then just omit that warning from the description altogether, because it is confusing when you warn of something that we don't see, or at least don't see yet. You can change tags and such as the story evolves.

Positive stuff follows.

I've looked at a lot of your work, and I have to say that characterization is something you seem to have some level of gift for. Remember Paradise. I praised that for being a charming quick peace that was focused on characters who were interesting and relateable. If you could only bother to slow down, go into detail, and really flesh characters out, then you would have something very interesting.

Your ability to narrate scenes and hold focus has improved. Keep on working on that. My issue is that you have a tendency towards cutting scenes prematurely. Just as something is getting interesting, it is ended. This terse pacing doesn't really help much with characters or plot development. Writing is a thing of patience. I see a lot of potential, but it goes to waste by jumping around. The reader won't run away from you if you're giving them reasons to get involved with the story. Regardless, from a technical standpoint, you have improved quite nicely in terms of making and developing scenes. 2K words is about the minimum I would give for a chapter length of a normal narrative. It no longer feels rushed. If anything, it feels like the scenes aren't being used enough.

I very strongly recommend that you get into contact with more reviewers and prereaders for this story. There is a group called WRITE. Drop them a message and ask about getting some help from them.

I give you 3/5 flutteryays so far. I'm being generous because you're starting on a new fic with a starkly different style. It wasn't all that painful, honestly.

[kalash93]

Updated review:

This is much better. There were a few rough spots, but there's not much to complain about. I'm going to give you a lot more freedom and discretion with this story because I'd like to see how you handle it on your own. I'll still be watching and giving you feedback. This chapter was fair enough. It's nothing amazing in terms of quality, but I still liked it. You get 3/5 flutteryays.

[Red Bomber]

Okay his rescue of Luna seems a little too Gary Stuish, but since this was Luna depowered being in trouble from a group of thugs I'll let it slide, for now.

[Shadow-Dancer]

2157900 well this criticism has helped me think about my own story and how I should develop my own character thank you

[Jshway]

This was the first time I have ever seen a Canadian Luna.

Hoose it goin' eh?