felt rushed. could have been alot better if you just slowed down.

Good job. but rushed. With one shots like these it's good to go long. that way the reader is satisfied despite getting something that could be a good 5 or six chapters. Other than that, Good, writing. Your style is nice, could use work work but everyone's could.
TL:DR Good job.

How did this get approved? I mean... WHY?

If it had been longer then I would have given it a 4.0

167009

We didn't have enough sequels to Cupcakes on the site yet...?

The reason I don't like grimdark isn't because it's "sick," it's really just because there are a couple overrated fics like Cupcakes and tons of authors feel like they need to write "the next installment" or whatever.

167069 I agree whole heartedly, Fallout Equestria kind of falls in there as well. I mean the original was good and all, but there is over 30 spin offs and next installments and so on that it's become such a niche audience there is little point in doing it anymore.

Cupcakes is certainly done the MOST though. When it's quite obvious that the original story was just made to troll the fan base.

There ARE some redeeming grimdarks though, ones that take an original route, or use violence to, "oh my God", ADVANCE THE PLOT! Who ever would have guessed that we can make violence RELEVANT, and not just a list of disgusting things for the sake of shock value!?

Almost all my stories are grimdark in some aspect, and I've never "borrowed" from Cupcakes, or any of the other gore fics.

A true masterpiece.

So emotional

Yeah you killed her, but she cut your dick.....and you died....that sucks...

167129 That's sarcasm, I hope.

For one thing, it feels rushed. Nonwithstanding the fact that it's a continuation of an incredibly overused premise. The narration is choppy, the dialogue is forced and unrealistic, the characters don't have any personality...I could go on, if you want.

Well, you did say "come at me, bro." Very well. I will now beat you over the head with a medical textbook. For one thing, a person who has been vivisected and lost several organs would likely be in complete shock, and likely lapse into unconsciousness almost immediately. There's not a snowball's chance in hell that one would still be able to talk, let alone get an adrenaline rush. And even then, there is absolutely no way that a person, pony or any living thing missing several organs and a good amount of blood would be able to crush another's skull. That's hard enough to do with your bare hands in real life. Actually...I don't think it can be effectively done bare-handed.

Take my advice: delete this fic. Both from the archive and your hard drive. Try again, and use an original premise. Until then, I have nothing more to say.

>HiE cupcakes
This otta be good.

>reads
And it was.
A bit rushed, but at least you know how to spell.

167084 I completely agree, my very first fic was a Grimdark and only made one light reference to Cupcakes, which was only about a paragraph long and only hinted at it, the rest of it being an original idea.

167276 They do exist... Fans who don't simply praise everything just because it has ponies in it, and preach blind love and tolerance. I am not alone; faith in the community has been restored just a little bit today.

IF YOU DONT LIKE GORE DONT READ A FUCKING CUPCAKE STORY THIS I MY FIRST FANFIC AND APPARENTLY IM A SHITTY ASS WRITER NOW FUCK OFF
to those of you who say they like this i hope your sincere if not GO TO FUCKING HELL
i didnt rush this apparently i suck

166991>>167129>>167417 the only things keeping me from full blown raging

167009 CAUSE IT DID

167276 I WILL NOT

167267>>167273 I hope you two mean this in a good way

to the rest of you that say this has potential if it wasn't rushed IDK what to think about you guys

there is no emote to convey my rage

This story is unfortunately............
...
..
.
AWESOME!!!!
Sorry to scare you there. =] I like your word choice sometimes.
And, for the people who say this was rushed, it WAS his first FiMfic. You gotta remember that.
Oh, and fourswords? Try not to give in to the trolls. You gotta learn to just ignore them. Not that they aren't wrong, but still.

167480 FINALLY someone who takes into account that this is my FIRST(and at this rate last) FiMfic
the amount of rage i have can now be put into emote

167490 YAY!!! People have to realize this story isn't called cupcakes, nor is it a reenactment of it. It's telling the tale of a human, not rainbow dash. You also told us how Pinkie's plans got foiled. ALSO..... You said something about that pinkie wasn't doing the same things as she did to rainbow dash. So, you did not, in fact rush it. It's completely original, other than the fact that you used probably the same scenery and Pinkie Pie (And you made a mini reference to cupcakes w/ Rainbow Dash.) XD
I think it's a great first story, if you ask me. <3 Btw, this is now tracked. =]

I liked it, but i have to agree with FanNotANerd on some medical issues.

Shock is definitely an issue. Strength is another. BUT. Her cutting off his penis. That is my only TRUE issue....

If it was erect, he would have bled out in 3 seconds.

If not, then that's fine.

167547 Sorry to say this, but you WOULD think about that. ;) constructive critisism is good. it tells you what you could do to be a better writer. But you don't have to troll. Ok, so if his penis would have been erect he would have died. But take into consideration that if your a guy, once you ejaculate, you almost immidiately go limp, unless the person starts trying to seduce you again.
So take your medical issues and shove em up your ass, prick.
Gday. :)

167556

I wasn't trolling, i enjoyed the story, actually. It's just that there are some problems any writer can have, ignorance being one of them. I'm not trying to trash this story in any way possible. In fact, I'd be willing to help the author if he let me.

167602 =] Okay then. Sorry for callin you a troll, eh, people... uh, ponies make mistakes. Sorry for bein a dick to you. XD

167602 i dont know when im going to have enough inspiration to write again

167524 y u track its done

*throws up* BEST CUPCAKES REIMAGINING EVER! What the hell is wrong with me? But I gotta admit, this was pretty good. *coughcuttingofwangwasjustwrongcough* I need to grab my brother or dad to let me read these and they are actually too much for them!

I stand corrected the trolls were first then everyone else came

to clarify he was partially erect (if he wasn't erect it wouldn't have been cut off)

167763 So I can check on what people in the comments are saying.

....
And i'm only a half-time stalker, in case you were wondering.

168994 That was well written and I loved the ending.

170648 my faith is slowly being restored (not only in the community but in my writing skills

170312 only half time? thats no fun

170716 .......
UGH! FINE!!!
....2/3.

what should i write about next?
just pm me ideas and ill send a mass pm when i got an idea of what ill write (i will give credit where credit is due in the authors note of the next story)

168631 I take offense to being described as a troll. I merely gave you some friendly (if not fairly pointed) advice. And...well, you did technically ask for it.

While I do understand that this is your first fanfiction, that does not under any circumstances mean that I should be lenient. I have upheld a reputation of being as blunt as a lead pipe, and there's no reason I should break it. If praise is deserved, I give praise. If it needs criticism, I'll give it. And if you're a bit too sensitive to take it...well, that's your problem.

But let me just inform you that Cupcakes has a label of "infamous" for a good reason. I don't think anyone actually liked the original, so spin-offs and re-imagings of what is essentially an unrealistic torture-pornography are typically not received well. If you want to practice your writer's craft...stick to a relatively safe premise, like an innocent shipfic or something.

And while you said you didn't rush it, I never said you did either. I said it feels rushed. It moves too quickly. It's a common beginner's mistake (I admit I suffered from it a little on my first fanfictions) and one that, while forgivable, must still be pointed out. If you do insist on making more horror fics, keep in mind that it's all about pacing. Have you ever seen a good Stephen King novel below 300 pages? (Apart for short stories. I did mean good, after all) I haven't either. Good horror isn't Cupcakes-style. It's mostly psychological, where the reader's imagination does all the work. You have to hint and hint that something bad's going to happen until the readers are actually afraid to turn the page. (Stephen King's Tommyknockers comes to mind) All the torture-porn generates is revulsion at best, and bored medical detachment at worst.

I can understand why you defend your work so vigorously. In fact, that defense is the only reason I'm writing this. Someone who has the backbone to stand up to perceived abuse deserves some measure of praise. Even if that defense was a tad misled. After all, we're just trying to help.

If I really was a troll, I probably would have insulted you personally in some manner, rather than draw attention to some flaws in the story. I prefer calling myself an undiscriminatory adjudicator. A tad more on the mark, if I do say so myself.

Look at this as a learning experience. A few harsh comments aren't a good reason to rage. Take them as the constructive criticism they are and move on. If you don't show any signs of improvement...well, then you can rage all you want. But there is no growth without adversity.

174072 of course im going to defend my piece. you have to understand the first about 15 comments were saying it was bad and i reacted like i normally would (i was pissed at the time which was why my rage was misdirected) also im a fifteen year old boy who was just told what his pride and joy was a piece of shit (again misdirected rage) how would anyone react. i doubt i will go further into horror (the only reason i did this was because i liked the original cupcakes and i dont consider this horror) because frankly i dont like being scared. i understand that this is a learning experience its just im not used to negative reinforcement srry bout me ragin

170788
I GO 24/7. BEAT THAT!
174072
TL;DR

174170 Coincidentally, I'm 12. Now why, you ask, am I reading this? Because I'm a brony. Whatcha gonna do?