Chapter 6: Return to the Crystal Empire
"Last Stop! Vanhoover!"
"That's weird" Spike wondered as he and the rest of the "King Sombra Resistance Team" left the train "The train should go on to the Crystal Empire"
"You're right" The conducter walked up to the ponies. "But we got a message from Vanhoover station saying the tracks in the Crystal Mountains mysteriously dissapeared and were replaced with buffers".
"I guess we'll have to hoof it" Twilight sighed "Getting back to the empire is imperative!"
"Alright! Me, Fluttershy and Princess Luna will fly overhead and watch out for any danger" Rainbow Dash announced as she flew up with Luna
"Um, maybe I'll just stay down here" Fluttershy whispered, no way was she flying around in a dark, scary place full of unknown dangers "Maybe I'll wait here until you come back"
"Come now, Fluttershy" Rarity comforted her scared friend "You can walk with us but you simply can't stay here"
"Fine" Fluttershy sighed as she walked along with her friends
"Getting to the empire will take a couple hours, it's at the other side of the range" Cadence trotted in front to lead the way.
It took 4 hours of walking until the empire was in sight, the dark red glow could be seen in the distance, it looked like Sombra wasn't getting any weaker.
"There it is!" Pinkie panted, all this walking had made everypony tired, except for Spike who was riding on Twilight's back.
"Look out!" Luna yelled down as a red beam of magic shot past the team, luckily they all ducked out of the way before anyone was hurt by it. A pony made of pure shadow emerged from the blizzard.
"One of Sombra's guards!" Shining Armor cried.
Cadence shot the shadow pony with her magic, he vaporized immediately.
"So we don't get caught, we should all disguise ourselves as Crystal Ponies" Luna suggested
Cadence transformed the whole group, even Spike, into depressed Crystal Ponies.
"Cool!" Pinkie was amazed
"Can't we be a bit more sparkly?" Rarity complained
"Don't you think Sombra would be suspicious if he saw a group of happy Crystal Ponies?" Rainbow replied
"True" Rarity admitted as the group continued walking.
Eventually they entered the once great empire. They were greeted by a large troop of Shadow Guards who escorted them to the Castle.
"Your majesty" One of the guards addressed their king as they brought the 10 ponies into the throne room "We caught these ponies entering the city a while ago, we don't know where they came from or why they are coming to the city."
"Intresting." Sombra didn't recognise these ponies "Where did you come from?"
Cadence spoke up "We come from a small village on Mount. Snowflake, we are mostly the only adults in the village and have left our foals in the care of one elderly mare. We came to make sure all was well when we saw that the city was under your control"
Sombra raised an eyebrow "And why must you all be here and not just sent this stallion here" He pointed a hoof at the disguised Shining Armor "He seems able to brave these weather conditions and get here from such a far away part of the mountain range."
"Safety in numbers?" Cadence replied
Sombra shot a truth spell at the group and exposed them all as the ponies they really were. "Guards! Arrest these ponies and throw them in the dungeon, except for the dragon and the Crystal Princess. I want to keep an eye on them!"
The group was seperated as most of them were taken to the dungeon, leaving only Spike and Cadence in the throne room.
"How stupid do you think I am?" He began "Unlike you, I have some knowledge of this entire mountain range. There is no village on Mount. Snowflake and even if there was every single Crystal Pony in Equestria has been forced to come to the city, so that I can keep an eye on them all!"
Sombra conjoured up a cage to keep his prisoners in and he left the throne room to patrol his empire for any more intruders.
"Now what are we gonna do?" Cadence whimpered
Spike looked around looking for a way out, he tried burning the bars of the cage, but they were fireproof.
Cadence noticed something in the distance, a bookshelf. She used a magnification spell to read the names of the book. After a minute she found something of intrest: "Ancient History of the Crystal Empire, Volume 3: Rulers and their History"
Cadence levitated it over to her and opened the section on King Sombra "This should be interesting!".
I don't know why but this seems relevant
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=faGEiCEZ-H4
Criticism! (I shall be hated.)
The idea itself is good. Others noted the grammar errors, so I won't go into that. I'd like to mention, however, three things.
1.) Sometimes, you could be a bit more descriptive. I mean, yes, it is understandable, but it could have done with some 'fancy coatin' here and there. For'stance instead of claiming it's his ultimate weapon, elaborate a bit on how it's "The last piece of the puzzle-- with it, even if he is defeated, there would be a way for him to come back. Yes, a simple amulet, so precious, so beautiful-- hiding such a dark secret."
I'm not saying that was better, I'm just trying to give pointers.
2.) Try to bunch together the shorter chapters. 1000 words should be a minimum, if the parts are not to be separated strictly. Even so, 1000 words should be prologues or interludes, setting the scene. Actual chapters should be a bit longer, if you can manage. Don't be 'fraid to put them together with some separators!
3.) Don't be afraid to fix your mistakes. Okay, you made grammar errors. People pointed it out. There is no shame in fixing it, rather than just leaving it that way, claiming that it's your first fic. Strive for perfection.
Again, I'm not trying to tell you how to write, I'm just trying to show some pointers. Bright day to you.
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Thanks, I appreciate the feedback. You're right, I should be more descriptive. I do actually try and make chapters as long as I can but every time I write a chapter I think it must be at least 1000 but it's actually not But thanks anyway, I'll take you advice on later chapters Maybe if I'm more descriptive I can make longer chapters!! Thank you (for the third time) for your advice!!