• Member Since 27th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen April 12th

WriteAboutHorses


I've been watching MLP since 2012, and though I don't consider myself an amazing writer, I love to make something out of the ideas I occasionally get.

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Source

1000 years ago, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna defeated King Sombra and sealed him away in the arctic north. But he left behind the Alicorn Amulet. Which was later found by The Great and Powerful Trixie! After his second defeat only a few months ago, Can Sombra get revenge on the Mane 6?

A/N The cover art isn't mine (obviously) it belongs to PixelKitties on DeviantArt.

Chapters (10)
Comments ( 19 )

For your first story, it has great potential and I believe you will use that potential to its fullest. I do, however, recommend that you have one or two people pre-read your chapters before publishing them as I did spot quite a few grammatical errors. But all in all it sounds like it could turn out to be a good tale. Keep on it. :rainbowkiss:

may i add this to my group Villains of Equestria

This mini-review is brought to you by: Indie Authors Unite - We Will Help Everyone!!!

This is a very intriguing and original storyline, and I think it could benefit from not just a bit of simple editing, but also from some description. You could really flesh this chapter out for about 500-1000 extra words. I also can't really tell if the '1,000 years later' part happens before or after the events of the Crystal Empire. Though this should be painfully obvious, it sometimes hints to before and sometimes after.

If you want a more detailed review, please join the group that supplied this review and specify what kind of review you would like (we base reviews off of specific things, like plot, grammar and spelling, continuity, and characterization. If there is some other thing that you want reviewing on, you may state that instead. If you feel the need to, you can list multiple topics and have multiple reviews, but we would like if you just sticked to one).

Your Faithful Critic,
FlanChan

Thanks for the feedback! There are a few grammar/spelling errors but I'll try take care of that in later chapters.

1961202 It does take place after The Crystal Empire only in an alternate timeline

1961027 If you want

Comment posted by WriteAboutHorses deleted Jan 28th, 2013

Welp, there goes the cristal empire. :twilightoops:

Dont worry, I dont mind waiting.
Keep up the good work.

Criticism! (I shall be hated.)

The idea itself is good. Others noted the grammar errors, so I won't go into that. I'd like to mention, however, three things.

1.) Sometimes, you could be a bit more descriptive. I mean, yes, it is understandable, but it could have done with some 'fancy coatin' here and there. For'stance instead of claiming it's his ultimate weapon, elaborate a bit on how it's "The last piece of the puzzle-- with it, even if he is defeated, there would be a way for him to come back. Yes, a simple amulet, so precious, so beautiful-- hiding such a dark secret."
I'm not saying that was better, I'm just trying to give pointers.

2.) Try to bunch together the shorter chapters. 1000 words should be a minimum, if the parts are not to be separated strictly. Even so, 1000 words should be prologues or interludes, setting the scene. Actual chapters should be a bit longer, if you can manage. Don't be 'fraid to put them together with some separators!

3.) Don't be afraid to fix your mistakes. Okay, you made grammar errors. People pointed it out. There is no shame in fixing it, rather than just leaving it that way, claiming that it's your first fic. Strive for perfection.

Again, I'm not trying to tell you how to write, I'm just trying to show some pointers. Bright day to you.:scootangel:

2245636
Thanks, I appreciate the feedback. You're right, I should be more descriptive. I do actually try and make chapters as long as I can but every time I write a chapter I think it must be at least 1000 but it's actually not :pinkiesad2: But thanks anyway, I'll take you advice on later chapters :pinkiegasp: Maybe if I'm more descriptive I can make longer chapters!! Thank you (for the third time) for your advice!!

Interesting backstory. English is not my first language so I cant really notice any errors.

Cant wait to read the ending. :twilightsmile:

Thanks everyone for reading this and sticking with me this whole time :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

Well....that escalated quickly.

1960821 Totally agree with that. The story is good, but all the grammar errors make it very difficult to read at several points.

Ninjago's Garmadon's Evil laugh would work great here. Tv Series not the movie

"I guess this is it girls" Twilight began. "The battle for the Crystal Empire begins now"

*insert favorite movie fight scene music here*

I was kinda wanting a Trixie and Shadow marriage. Maybe later.

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