• Published 31st Dec 2012
  • 4,305 Views, 84 Comments

EXPLOSIONS??? - Opticlaudimix



Mr. Torgue, a successful corporation eponymous who loves explosions and yelling comes to Equestria because Pinkie is bored. Ridiculous events follow. Note: Written for anyone to read, assumes no knowledge of Borderlands 2 or its DLC.

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AGGRESSIVE MARKETING!

Atop a grassy hill, Twilight Sparkle and Applejack were setting up a picnic area for their friends. They laid down a typical red and white checkered mat and started to set up food and plates for everypony, with ample time remaining before the rest of their friends would arrive.

“So how’s it been going with Spike ever since the whole 'us saving each other from timberwolves' thing?” asked Applejack.

“He’s back to himself again, except he’s being much more accident prone than I remember...” Twilight pulled a book out of her saddlebag, only to look at the cover in confusion.

Applejack looked over. “Something wrong?”

“Ugh... he got me the wrong book. I’ll be right back, I’m just going to replace it.” She put the book away, stood up, and turned around, bumping into a hulking mass of muscle that wasn’t Iron Will.

“HELLO TWILIGHT SPARKLE. MY NAME IS MR. TORGUE. I’M HERE TO ASK YOU A SIMPLE QUESTION TO SEE IF YOU’RE INTERESTED IN IRON WILL’S ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING. HERE IT IS: ARE YOU INTERESTED IN IRON WILL’S ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING?” Mr. Torgue leaned over her and flexed his muscles.

Twilight jumped back and shrieked, looking up in horror at the strange creature. “Wh-Who are you? What are you? stammered Twilight.

“Twilight, what in the hay is that thing?!” Applejack had also retreated a good distance back.

Mr. Torgue pointed to himself. “WHO AM I? I AM MR. TORGUE, THE FOUNDER OF THE MANUFACTURER TORGUE FOR MANUFACTURING EXPLOSIVE WEAPONS. AS FOR WHAT THE F*CK I AM, I AM A SIX FOOT EIGHT HUMAN WHO IS FIFTEEN THOUSAND, SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIVE DAYS OLD. IT’S MY GODDAMN PLEASURE TO MEET BOTH OF YOU.” He stuck out his fist for a bump.

A cyan pegasus suddenly tackled Mr, Torgue to the ground at supersonic speeds. “Get away from my friends you monster! Run you guys! I’ll hold him off!”

Seemingly out of nowhere, Pinkie Pie grabbed Rainbow Dash in a suffocating bear hug. “Hey Dashie! Having fun with my new friend?”

Rainbow’s only response were her desperate attempts to breathe.

“PINKIE! YOU’RE F*CKING CHOKING RAINBOW DASH! IT IS TO MY UNDERSTANDING THAT CONSTRICTED WIND PIPES PREVENT PROPER SPEECH! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I STARTED CHOKING YOU?!” Mr. Torgue quickly stood up and grabbed Pinkie’s throat, shaking her back and forth.

“LET GO OF RAINBOW DASH!” bellowed Mr. Torgue.

Pinkie’s eyes started to derp as she tried to breath.

Mr. Torgue, what in Equestria do you think you’re doing?” Iron Will angrily stomped up the hill. “Let go of Pinkie Pie, or get ready to cry!

“NOT UNTIL SHE F*CKING LETS GO OF RAINBOW DASH!” He lifted Pinkie Pie up, bringing along Rainbow Dash.

If somepony doesn’t let go, then force them to make it so!” Iron Will charged at the group and brought Mr. Torgue into a headlock. Multiple gurgling sounds could be heard from the group as they struggled to make each other let go.

Eventually, a yellow pegasus suddenly bellowed from the bottom of the hill. “EVERYPONY! STOOOOOOOP!!!

The four of them all stared at Fluttershy in fear before dropping each other, gasping for air.

“Oh um, sorry about raising my voice.” Fluttershy looked away slightly before joining her friends atop the hill.

Twilight sighed in disapproval at the unfolding shenanigans. “Alright Pinkie, who exactly are these two and why are they here with us?

Pinkie popped up from next to Twilight somehow and machine-gunned her words even after being choked. “Oh! These two are some friends that I brought along so that we can have a super duper fun time together! Well, they like to fight each other a lot for some reason, but they became friends pretty quickly! The minotaur is Iron Will and the other guy is Mr. Torgue. With their help, I was hoping we could turn this picnic into a blast!”

Mr. Torgue popped up on Twilight’s other side. “DID YOU SAY BLAST??? F*CK YEAH THIS PICNIC IS GONNA BE A BLAST WITH MR. TORGUE AROUND. He pulled out an odd looking grenade with racecar stripes on it and tossed it up into the air before aiming his POCKETROCKET and firing a single missile at the grenade.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

The massive explosive combination of a rocket hitting a grenade left a spectacular yellowish glare across the landscape.

“Eek!” Fluttershy quickly hid beneath her forehooves, shivering in place.

“What the hay was that?!” screamed Applejack.

“OH IT’S NOT DONE YET. THAT GRENADE WAS DESIGNED TO SPLIT INTO NINE MORE GRENADES THAT ALL SPLIT UP AGAIN.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow in confusion, “Wait, what’s a gre–”

BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM

The resulting explosions left a lovely circular trench around the hill and debris flying about in all directions, much to the dismay of a certain white unicorn approaching the hill.

“AAAH! W-W-What just happened? There is dirt and chunks of grass everywhere! This is absolutely horrid! Are all of you girls okay?!” shrieked Rarity.

Twilight shouted back, “Don’t worry Rarity, we’re fine! It’s just Pinkie Pie’s friend!”

“Whoa! That was awesome! What the heck did you just do?” Rainbow looked around in awe at the destruction caused in just a few seconds.

“BEFORE I ANSWER THAT QUESTION, I NEED TO HELP OUT RARITY! SHE CAN’T GET ACROSS THIS BIG ASS GAP WITHOUT HELP.” Mr. Torgue walked down to the bottom of the hill and stuck his arms straight out before tipping over, grabbing the other edge of the trench. “THERE IS NOTHING MORE BADASS THAN TREATING A LADY WITH RESPECT. HERE MISS RARITY, WALK ACROSS ME. TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED.”

Rarity stared in shock at the strange creature and its strange behavior before deciding to carefully tread across his back. Much to her surprise, he didn’t move at all, allowing her to cross without any complications.

“Uh, heh heh, thank you... kind sir.” Rarity nervously grinned.

“YOU’RE WELCOME. YOU’RE REALLY LIGHT YOU KNOW.”

Rarity quickly trotted over to Twilight before whispering in her ear, “Twilight, what in the name of Equestria IS that thing?

I honestly have no idea, Pinkie brought him over, along with that minotaur, Iron Will, I think.

Rarity looked around in a panic. “W-W-WHAT??? IRON WILL IS HERE?”

Iron Will noticed Rarity and nervously grinned. “Hey, uh... nice seeing you again.”

Rarity shot a menacing glare at him before turning to Pinkie. "Pinkie, why in Equestria is HE here?"

"Well, he seems nice enough when he's not turning Fluttershy into a super big meanie pants." Pinkie smiled.

"ALRIGHT, NOW THAT WE'RE ALL HERE, LET'S HAVE OURSELVES A BADASS PICNIC!" Mr. Torgue grabbed the various consumables in the basket and threw them like shurikens to each pony's plates without a single spill or miss.

Rainbow Dash stared at her plate for a while before looking up at Mr. Torgue, who at the moment was messily devouring a daisy sandwich.

"You know what? You're a pretty cool dude Mr. Torgue."


"ALRIGHT, SO YOU SIX WILL ALL SHOW UP FOR TOMORROW'S ASSERTIVENESS WORKSHOP DOWNTOWN AT TWO PM RIGHT?"

Rarity laughed, "Well, if you're going to be there then I might as well attend as well. With you being on stage it'll be delightfully hilarious."

"Count me in too! You're a bucking holler!" Applejack gave Mr. Torgue a friendly hoof bump.

"I think we all have to get going now though, it was nice meeting you Mr. Torgue." Twilight grinned.

"WELL ALL RIGHT! SEE YOU ALL TOMORROW THEN. TOODLES!"

The group all went their separate ways after Iron Will and Mr. Torgue helped everypony across the trench, except for Pinkie Pie, who still continued to stay with Mr. Torgue as he and Iron WIll were discussing business strategy.

"SEE? I JUST GOT SIX BADASS HEROES TO ATTEND YOUR SHOW TOMORROW! HOW'S THAT FOR AGGRESSIVE MARKETING?"

"Nice, those six should be able to spread the word around pretty well," Iron Will said.

"How am I supposed to spread the word when I'm sticking with you guys?" Pinkie happily asked.

"I DUNNO, BUT IF YOU DO MANAGE TO SPREAD THE WORD WHILE YOU'RE WITH US, THEN THAT'S F*CKING BADASS!" He ruffled her mane with a smile.

"So, where to next? asked Iron Will.

"ACTUALLY, I THINK WE SHOULD TAKE A BREAK. A GOOD WORKER ALWAYS TAKES THEIR DAILY SH*TS TO PRODUCE EFFICIENT WORK. I SAY WE GO TO THE LIBRARY AND READ A F*CKING BOOK. BESIDES, I NEED TO KNOW WHERE TO FIND SOME IRON DEPOSITS SO I CAN MAKE GUNS." He began twirling his POCKETROCKET around a finger.

Iron Will stared at Mr. Torgue in shock, the concept of a guy like this being literate was just mind blowing.

"Uhh, you sure you can stay quiet in a library?" Iron Will scratched his head.

"I HAVE NO F*CKING CLUE. PINKIE PIE, LEAD THE WAY!" Mr. Torgue pointed off to some random direction.

"Sure thing Mr. Yells-a-lot!" Pinkie giggled.


"So what are you gonna read?" Iron Will knocked gingerly on the Library door.

"PROBABLY SOMETHING ABOUT EQUESTRIAN CULTURE OR GEOGRAPHY," Mr. Torgue responded.

"I'm gonna go read one of those party manuals that Twilight keeps trying to get me to read!" Pinkie bounced in place.

The door opened up to reveal a tiny purple dragon. "Welcome to the Ponyville Library, come on in!" Spike looked up. "AUGH!" He slammed the door shut the instant he got a good look at Mr. Torgue and Iron Will's muscles.

Pinkie Pie opened the door from the inside. "Jeez Spike, that's not very nice you know, this library is open to everypony." She stepped aside to let the two in, though they had difficulty getting through the door frame with their size.

"H-How did you?" stuttered Spike.

"I pulled the door knob back silly! How do you not know how to open a door?" Pinkie grinned as she closed the door behind her companions.

Mr. Torgue crouched and patted Spike on the head. "Hey there little fella, listen, we're gonna be here for a bit to do some good ol' reading, so can you get some books on Equestrian Culture or Geography? Oh, and get Pinkie some party manuals."

"Oh! Uh, sure! Right on it!" Spike ran off to another room.

Pinkie Pie and Iron Will stared at Mr. Torgue in disbelief.

"Did you..."

"Just talk normally?" Iron Will finished.

The front door opened again. "Spike! Get me some parchment and quills! I need to–" she stopped in place when she saw Mr. Torgue and the gang. "What the? How did you three get here before me?" Her eyes widened when she realized Mr. Torgue was present. "Oh no..."

"Dont worry Twilight! He actually knows how to not yell!" Pinkie proudly announced.

"WELL OF COURSE I KNOW HOW TO NOT YELL. I DON'T THINK ANY LIVING THING CAN F*CKING YELL ALL THE TIME! OH SH*T I'M YELLING AGAIN!"

Iron Will chuckled. "Iron Will was starting to believe you were the first living thing that could yell all the time."

"I was assuming that yelling was just a trait of your species," Twilight commented. "Speaking of that, just what exactly are you again? I remember this one pony called Lyra talking about these hairless, bipedal creatures with hands and feet." Twilight circled around Mr. Torgue, getting a better look at his body. "Oh, and you also don't have to worry about noise unless there is actually somepony reading in here."

"I'M A HUMAN. I'M ALSO NOT COMPLETELY HAIRLESS BECAUSE I HAVE HAIR ON MY HEAD AND D*CK. I THOUGHT I SAID THIS ALREADY AT THE PICNIC WHEN I FIRST MET YOU." Mr. Torgue raised a finger and paused. "WAIT, NEVER MIND I DOUBT I SAID THE SECOND PART."

"I wasn't exactly paying attention to your introduction, I was more or less in shock when I first saw you." Twilight laughed. She thought back to the picnic to see if she remembered any mention of his species, only to realize something odd about Mr. Torgue.

"Wait a minute, how long have you been here Mr. Torgue?" Twilight inquired.

"APPARENTLY A WHOLE F*CKING DAY, BUT I'VE ONLY BEEN AWAKE THIS MORNING TILL NOW." He walked over to a nearby seat and sat down as spike handed him a pile of books before waddling away.

"And Twilight tells me not to make too much noise..." Spike muttered.

"Then how did you know so much about me and my friends during the picnic? Pinkie Pie couldn't have possibly told you everything we did. Besides, where did you even come from?" Twilight raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"WELL I DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING, I DIDN'T EVEN SEE HALF OF ALL THE EPISODES APPARENTLY." Mr. Torgue took off his sunglasses and replaced them with some reading glasses from his pocket. "SPEAKING OF WHERE THE HELL I CAME FROM, HOW DID PINKIE PIE EVEN KNOW THAT I EXIST? DO I HAVE MY OWN TV SHOW IN THIS WORLD OR SOMETHING?"

"Video game actually, you're a main character." Pinkie was in a corner with a TV screen playing some first person shooter game with an odd cartoony art style.

"Oh! Is that Borderlands 2? Iron Will wants in!" He walked over a picked a up a second controller conveniently placed next to Pinkie.

"Episodes? What are you talking about?" asked Twilight.

"BACK IN MY WORLD, YOU ARE YOUR FRIENDS HAVE YOUR OWN TV SHOW. ISN'T THAT F*CKING AWESOME?" He turned a page.

"Wait, so Iron Will has been on Television? Who has been secretly filming Iron Will?" Iron Will looked over in concern.

Mr. Torgue casually responded, "I DUNNO, PROBABLY F*CKING NINJAS."

Twilight recalled something about Pinkie telling her that there were others watching them "beyond the fourth wall", but she had always disregarded it as Pinkie being Pinkie. "Wait Pinkie, so you were saying that we exist in the form of a TV show in an alternate dimension? This whole time?"

"I PERSONALLY DON'T REALLY SEE WHAT'S SO INTERESTING ABOUT THIS, AFTER HEARING ABOUT SO MANY SCIENTIFIC THEORIES AND IDEAS, I'M NOT F*CKING SURPRISED AT ALL ABOUT THIS SH*T. ALTERNATE UNIVERSES ARE BADASS." Mr. Torgue turned another page, only to shout again after reading its contents. "HOLY SH*T, WE GOTTA GO RAID A DRAGON'S CAVE, THERE'S A SH*TF*CK OF LOOT AND GOODIES IN THEM!"

Twilight was still dumbstruck with this concept and tried to comprehend this odd reality. "B-B-But, how is that possible? Pinkie, how do you even know about these alternate dimensions, and how are you even able to travel to them? We have to study this! It could open up so many new–"

"Gosh Twilight, you really need to read more sci-fi adventure novels," Pinkie interrupted. "I would personally suggest Artemis Foal."

"HEY GUYS, ENOUGH BREAK TIME, WE'RE GONNA GO ADVERTISE TO A DRAGON. OH AND TWILIGHT, TELL EVERYPONY AROUND TOWN THAT I'M GOING TO BRING THAT DRAGON HERE JUST FOR THE SH*TS AND GIGGLES. He put his sunglasses back on before running out the door screaming, "YYEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Pinkie put the TV back into her mane and ran after him. "Awww, why didn't you make a pun?"

"Wait what the hay? you two aren't serious about this... right?"

Mr. Torgue stuck his head back through the doorframe. "DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, YOU'RE WITH A GUY WHO SUPLEXED A SHARK WEARING A BOLO TIE. YOU MAY BE WONDERING WHO WAS WEARING THE BOLO TIE, ME OR THE SHARK? THE ANSWER: YES. NOW LET'S GO!"

Iron Will groaned as he got up and charged out the door. "What did Iron Will just get himself into..."

Twilight just stared into space dumbfounded before she called after the group. "Wait! There's so many questions that I wanted to ask!"

"F*CK ASKING QUESTIONS, DO THE RESEARCH YOURSELF. IT'S HOW I GET EVERYTHING TO EXPLODE ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. NO ONE WAS ABLE TO ANSWER MY QUESTIONS ANYWAYS!"