• Published 31st Dec 2012
  • 4,306 Views, 84 Comments

EXPLOSIONS??? - Opticlaudimix



Mr. Torgue, a successful corporation eponymous who loves explosions and yelling comes to Equestria because Pinkie is bored. Ridiculous events follow. Note: Written for anyone to read, assumes no knowledge of Borderlands 2 or its DLC.

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I'M RICH BIATCH!

After their long day of fighting, becoming friends, and getting a dragon to come to their show, Iron Will and Mr. Torgue finally settled down inside Iron Will's hotel room in Ponyville. It wasn't anything fancy, just the typical one room hotel with two queen sized beds and some furniture. Pinkie Pie had already separated from them to attend to another one of her famous parties she had already set up for the night.

Iron Will sat down at a couch and opened a bottle of cider before taking a swig. "Phew, that was one heck of a day." He pointed at the giant bag. "So how much is that sack worth?"

Mr. Torgue sat down on one of the beds and opened up the bag. "PROBABLY CLOSE TO NOTHING. ALL I TOOK WERE SOME RANDOM HUNKS OF IRON AND ANYTHING THAT WASN'T SHINY." Mr. Torgue rummaged through the bag and threw many dull colored rocks onto a nearby table.

Iron Will spat out a mouthful of cider. "WAIT WHAT? WHAT THE HAY IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Iron Will reached over and grabbed a hunk of charcoal from the bag, examining it before sighing and face-palming. "I don't think you know what is valuable here, so let me explain what gets bits here–"

"I KNOW WHAT THE F*CK IS WORTHWHILE GOD DAMNIT! I JUST DON'T GIVE A SH*T ABOUT MONEY. A BETTER BUSINESS MOTIVATION IS THE MOTIVATION TO WORK! THE MONEY JUST COMES AS A BENEFIT." Mr. Torgue pulled out a white rock that startled to crumble in his hands. "HOLY SH*T! IT'S POTASSIUM NITRATE! TIME TO MAKE SOME EXPLOSIVES!!!"

"Oh my Celestia, did you really do all of that just to have explosive materials?" He casually tossed the charcoal back in the bag.

Mr. Torgue froze and stopped rummaging through the bag. "Just explosive materials?"

Iron Will curiously took note of Mr. Torgue's lack of volume. "Uh, did your voice just die?"

Mr. Torgue swiftly grabbed Iron Will's tie. "JUST EXPLOSIVE MATERIALS? I DON'T THINK YOU APPRECIATE HOW MUCH TIME AND EFFORT IT TAKES TO MAKE SOMETHING EXPLODE! IT'S SUPER F*CKING COMPLICATED. DO YOU THINK I CAN JUST SH*T OUT EXPLOSIVES ALL DAY? NO! IF I COULD THAT WOULD BE MY DREAM COME TRUE. SO DON'T GO ON UNDERMINING MY RIGHT AS A BADASS TO MAKE SH*T EXPLODE!!"

"Okay! Okay! Sheesh, I get it."

"HOLD ON, I'M A F*CKING IDIOT. "I JUST REALIZED THAT WE HAVEN'T ACTUALLY PREPARED FOR THE SHOW TOMORROW, SO LET'S DO THAT RIGHT NOW INSTEAD OF MAKING MORE EXPLOSIVES." Mr. Torgue closed up the sack and set it aside.

Iron Will face palmed. "Ugh, yeah, we should do that. NOW. I don't even have anything planned really for the next show.

"I HAVE AN IDEA!" Mr. Torgue took out a piece of paper from his pocket. "THIS IS THE CODE THAT ALL TORGUE WORKERS HAVE TO ABIDE BY IN ORDER TO BE A BADASS WORKER. WE SHOULD MAKE THE SHOW ABOUT BECOMING A BADASS IN ORDER TO BE ASSERTIVE. IF PEOPLE THINK SOMEONE'S A BADASS, THEY'RE GOING TO SHUT THE F*CK UP AND LISTEN TO THAT BADASS. LOOK AT HOW F*CKING ASSERTIVE I AM!!!"

Iron WIll took the piece of paper and quickly read through the contents.

TORGUE"S NOBLE BADASS CODE TO BE A BADASS

1- Yell at least once a day, you will feel much better.

2- Respect others, you can only disregard this for revenge or explosions.

3- Realize other's merits before yours.

4- Know when to show off, unless it's for an explosion.

5- If you can go for it, do something amazing and push yourself out of feeling comfortable.

6- Modesty gets you the most help, you don't know everything about everything!

7- Explosions are the meaning of life, seriously, look at the big bang.

"Uhh, can we get rid of some of the explosive parts?" Iron Will scratched his head.

"F*CK NO!"

Iron Will handed the paper back to Mr. Torgue. "Is your definition of "badass" basically just explosions?"

"NOT ALL THE F*CKING TIME. IF SOMEONE JUMPS OFF A MOUNTAIN'S SUMMIT WHILE HE'S ON FIRE AND LIVES, THEN THAT'S BADASS."

"Isn't that something that YOU did though?" He pointed at Mr. Torgue for emphasis.

"SO WHAT? IT'S STILL F*CKING BADASS. IF I'M AN ARROGANT SHOW-OFF, I'M STILL A BADASS IF I'M NOT A COMPLETE D*CK. WAIT A MINUTE, THAT WAS A MODEST STATEMENT, SO AM I A BADASS OR AN ARROGANT SHOW-OFF???"

"Wait, I thought being arrogant was only if you exaggerate what you say you do."

"WELL EITHER WAY, I'M A STILL A BADASS. SO WHADYA SAY ABOUT TEACHING EVERY GODDAMN PONY IN THE AUDIENCE HOW TO BE A BADASS?"

Iron Will took another sip from his bottle of cider. "Well then, how do you plan to do that?"

"SIMPLE. FIRST OFF–" Mr. Torgue started to stick out his fingers to count. "WE NEED YELLING. SECOND, WE NEED EXPLOSIONS OR SPECIAL EFFECTS. THIRD, WE NEED STUNTS AND EXTREME TRICKS. LASTLY, WE GIVE GOOD ADVICE, THEN THEY F*CKING LISTEN. TRUST ME, THIS SH*T F*CKING WORKS."

Iron Will rolled his eyes. "Let me guess, you're going to provide all of that somehow?"

"HELL F*CKING NO!" Mr. Torgue slammed his fist on the small table between the two beds. "YOU NEED TO GIVE GOOD ADVICE. I CAN'T DO THAT SH*T FOR MY LIFE."

"What? You've been doing that all day though. Somehow."

"THEY WERE ALL ACCIDENTS. JUST LIKE ME AND MY SIBLINGS, BUT THEY'RE ALL DEAD THOUGH FROM DOING STUPID SH*T."

Iron Will grimaced. "Didn't have to mention the last part there..."

"ANYWAYS, HOW MANY BITS DO YOU HAVE, AND HOW MUCH DOES IT COST TO HAVE A STAGE COMPLETELY WRAPPED IN DYNAMITE? CROWDS F*CKING LOVE IT WHEN THE STAGE BLOWS UP AFTER THE SHOW!"

"Okay, let me stop you right there. First off, I'm not rich, so I can't go demanding stuff like that. Second, I don't know what dynamite is, and I don't want to know." He pointed to the now closed sack of random material. "Besides, if you took gems and gold, maybe you could have a way to pay for that."

"WELL WHAT'S DONE IS DONE, CAN'T CHANGE THE PAST NOW. MAYBE I SHOULD JUST MAKE GUNS AND THEN SELL THEM. BESIDES, SINCE NOBODY HERE KNOWS HOW TO MAKE GUNS, I CAN HOLD A MONOPOLY ON THIS SH*T AND CHARGE A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF BITS. DO YOU REALIZE WHAT I CAN DO? I CAN START TORGUE CORPORATION HERE JUST LIKE HOW I DID BACK IN MY WORLD. BESIDES, I'M STARTING TO RUN OUT OF RANDOM SH*T IN MY POCKETS CAUSE OF TODAY." Mr. Torgue pulled his pockets inside out to demonstrate his point.

"I was beggining to think you could just pull random things out of nowhere like Pinkie."

"WELL I'M NOT A F*CKING PINK CARTOON PONY HOPPED UP ON ALL SORTS OF DRUGS."

Iron Will stifled as he clutched his sides, trying not to laugh.

"WHAT THE F*CK IS SO FUNNY???"

Iron Will began slapping his thighs. "AHAHAHAHA, Sweet Celestia, don't you EVER laugh at yourself sometimes? That comment about Pinkie is just too perfect!"

"HOW THE F*CK DO YOU LAUGH? I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO PERFORM SUCH A COMPLEX PHYSICAL ACTION. IS THIS HOW YOU DO IT?" Mr. Torgue took a deep breath. "AHA! BWA! HAHA! AHAaaa... F*CK THIS SH*T!"

There was a knock at the door. "Ponyville hotel maid here, could you two keep it down please? You're disturbing the rest of the hotel."

"SORRY, WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN!"

"So can you please stop yelling?"

"SURE THING!"

Iron Will put a hand to Mr. Torgue's mouth. "Don't worry! We won't cause any more problems ma'am."

The two could hear a sigh from the other side of the door. "Okay then..."

"MRRF MMERRAHURR! MHF*****BH!"Mr. Torgue pushed Iron Will off himself. "LET'S F*CKING GET A SHOW TOGETHER IN THE NEXT FEW HOURS."

"Ugh... Ok, but we have to be quiet, understand?"

"POSSIBLY!"


As the early morning sunlight poured through the window, Iron Will slowly opened his eyes and stretched out his burly muscles, yawning loudly. He looked around the room, completely devoid of a certain muscular...creature that was obsessed with explosions.

"Whoa, that was a really crazy dream I had last night, what the hay was that all about? I really need to lay off the cider.....wait a minute, I don't have a headache." As he got off the bed and put a hoof to the ground, he heard the familiar sound of bits rattling.

He looked down to see a massive pile of bits scattered across the floor.

"HOLY SWEET CELESTIA!!! HOW THE–"

The door was suddenly kicked off its hinges. "GOOD F*CKING MORNING IRON WILL!!! GET YOUR ASS UP AND HELP ME MOVE ANYTHING VALUABLE IN THIS ROOM TO OUR NEW HOUSE BY THE SMALL COTTAGE ON THOSE HILLS!"

"WHAT THE HAY DID YOU DO???" Iron Will looked up at Mr. Torgue. "Whoa."

Mr. Torgue was wearing a golden pair of sunglasses and a golden bandolier with all sorts of strange devices strapped onto it. He had also installed diamond studs everywhere on his pants, which were now made of some odd shiny black material, presumably some fancy cloth from Rarity's Boutique.

"JUST HELP ME MOVE ALL THIS SH*T AND I'LL EXPLAIN LATER." Mr. Torgue grabbed a handful of bits and shoved them into the giant sack, now devoid of all the random material from the dragon's cave.

"Whoa whoa whoa, just how many bits are in this pile?" Iron Will grabbed a handful and tossed it into the bag.

"OVER NINE-THOUSAND, BUT I HAVE LIKE A MILLION MORE IN MY NEW BANK." Mr. Torgue finished putting all the bits into the giant sack and slung it over his back.

"WHOA, MILLIONS??? HOW DID YOU MAKE SO MUCH MONEY SO FAST OVERNIGHT? THE RICHEST PONY IN EQUESTRIA ONLY HAS LIKE FIVE-HUNDRED THOUSAND!!!"

"RANDOM-ASS SH*T, DRUGS, AND DIGI-STRUCTING!" He threw a small silver block on top of one of the beds; the device unfolded into a strange beacon-like object that started to scan everything in the room with a circular sweep, slowing down when it reached Mr. Torgue or Iron Will.

Iron Will stared at the strange device. "And what in Equestria is this thing?"

"JUST LET IT SCAN YOU, AND YOU'LL GET TELEPORTED TO MY NEW HOUSE! BY THE WAY, I DIDN'T GET ANY SLEEP." Mr. Torgue collapsed onto the floor as he was scanned by the beacon, casting his body in a strange blue light. After the device finished the scan, Mr. Torgue's body started to disintegrate.

Iron Will jumped back as far as he could from the beacon. "AAAAAAAAAAHH! WHAT THE HAY–"

Sure enough, Iron Will started to glow bright blue as the beacon started scanning him.

"NO NO NO N–"


It was an odd sensation, seeing only blue light made of strange symbols and TORGUE logos while not feeling anything at all. Iron Will could only see a strange tunnel while hearing an ominous whooshing sound. He soon realized he could think, and started to wonder if this was what the afterlife was like. He was suddenly pulled out of this strange experience when he realized he was floating in midair in a completely empty white room minus another beacon-like object.

He fell to the floor with a thud. "Ooof!"

"YOU OKAY?"

Iron Will got up while rubbing a bruise on his snout. "Yeah, Iron Will is fine, though why the heck does this thing make you float for a bit?"

"CAUSE I WANT TO AVOID PROBLEMS LIKE HAVING SOMEONE'S FEET STUCK IN THE GROUND. BESIDES, I CAN DO A THREE POINT LANDING WITH THIS DESIGN." Mr. Torgue was floating in midair in the middle of the room seemingly without effort. "BY THE WAY, YOU WANT A SANDWICH?"

"For the love of Celestia can you PLEASE tell me what is going on? And how are you awake?"

"OH RIGHT, I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT YOUR OLD BODY IS DEAD AND THAT OUR CURRENT BODIES ARE COMPLETELY NEW, SO WE'RE ALL BACK IN PERFECT HEALTH CONDITIONS."

"Wait what? So this is a new body?" Iron Will started examining himself, yet everything still felt the same.

"YUP! BUT YOU'RE STILL YOU SO DON'T F*CKING WORRY ABOUT IT. SO ABOUT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, I NINJA'D MY WAY OUT OF THE ROOM AND WENT OUTSIDE TO MAKE STUFF WHEN YOU WENT TO SLEEP ." A blurry image suddenly materialized in front of Mr. Torgue, slowly focusing itself to show a digital Mr. Torgue sneaking out of the hotel with the giant sack and spilling out the contents in some random side alley by the hotel.

Iron Will looked around and finally noticed Mr. Torgue floating in midair plus the hologram. "Whoa, how are you doing that?"

"THOUGHT READERS ALL OVER THIS ROOM SCAN WHAT OCCUPANTS ARE THINKING AT ALL TIMES, PROJECTING A VAGUE IMAGE OF THESE THOUGHTS. HOWEVER, OUR THOUGHTS CANNOT IMAGINE A CLEAR IMAGE, BUT THANKS TO THESE THINGS, YOU CAN SEE WHAT YOU'RE THINKING AND SHARPEN IT WITH YOUR OWN THOUGHTS. PLUS, I WAS REALLY F*CKING BORED, SO I ALSO DECIDED TO MAKE THE ROOM LET PEOPLE FLY AROUND WHEN IN USE. WATCH, IF I THINK ABOUT BEING IN THAT CORNER OVER THERE, I'M GOING TO SOMEHOW FLY OVER TO THAT CORNER."

The hologram disappeared as Mr. Torgue floated over to the corner and hit his head on the wall. "OUCH! F*CK THAT HURT! OH, AND BY THE WAY, DON'T EVER STAY IN THIS ROOM IF YOU HAVE A HEADACHE OR ELSE THE BRAIN READERS IN HERE WILL EXPLODE; THAT WOULD BE BADASS."

Iron WIll crossed his arms. "Okay I get it. I think. Get back on topic..."

"RIGHT. ANYWAYS, MY FIRST PRIORITY WASN'T EXPLOSIONS BELIEVE IT OR NOT, IT WAS TO MAKE A DIGISTRUCTING STATION, LIKE THAT D*CK SHAPED BEACON THING WE JUST CAME OUT OF. THAT WAY, I COULD DUPLICATE THE SH*T OUT OF STUFF AND TELEPORT THINGS ALL OVER THE PLACE. SO I SPENT THE WHOLE MORNING MAKING JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS."

"Wait what, then how did you do... this?" Iron Will glanced around as a hologram with a pile of bits formed in front of him.

"WELL, I STILL WANTED TO DO THE WHOLE STAGE WRAPPED IN F*CKING DYNAMITE THING, BUT THEN I NOTICED THAT THERE WASN'T ENOUGH TIME. BUT THEN RIGHT THE F*CK OUTTA NOWHERE, ANOTHER ME SHOWED UP OUTTA THIS WACKY LOOKING PORTAL AND TOLD ME TO GO TO FLUTTERSHY'S COTTAGE AND BEFRIEND THIS WEIRD-ASS DRACONA-WHATCHUMACALLIT NAMED DISCORD."

Iron Will's eyes widened. "WHOA WHOA WHOA. WHAT??? I think you're missing a step here, cause why is there another you and why the hay is DISCORD in Fluttershy's cottage???"

"NO F*CKING CLUE, ASK HER LATER SOMETIME. ANYWAYS, THE OTHER ME TOLD ME TO ASK DISCORD TO SHAPE THE REST OF THE RANDOM SH*T IN MY BAG INTO PIECES FOR THIS WEIRD CONTRAPTION TO F*CK UP GENERAL RELATIVITY TO SEND THE OTHER ME BACK TO THE FUTURE. SO THEN I WAS LIKE...SH*T, WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW???"

"So...another you came from the future?

"PRETTY MUCH. SO I WENT THERE, MADE THE WEIRD THINGY AFTER CONVINCING DISCORD THAT I'M A BADASS, F*CKED UP ON THE DESIGN AND INSTEAD FROZE TIME FOR EVERYTHING EXCEPT ME. IT WAS DURING THIS TIME I DECIDED TO GO OUT AND LOOK FOR SH*T TO FIX THE DAMN THING WITH. NOW UNFORTUNATELY, SINCE GRAVITY AND SPACE-TIME WAS SORT OF F*CKED UP DURING THIS WEIRD AS SH*T EXPERIENCE, IT TOOK ME A LONG ASS F*CKING TIME TO GET EVERYTHING I NEEDED BECAUSE EVERYTHING THAT WASN'T ME SORT OF JUST FLOATED IN SPACE. SO I WAS LIKE WAIT A SEC, I CAN MOVE REALLY BIG THINGS WITH NO F*CKING PROBLEM AT ALL! THEN AGAIN IT SORT OF MAKES SENSE SINCE I WAS THEORETICALLY MOVING SO FAST THAT I HAVE A SH*T F*CK OF MOMENTUM. HELL, I EVEN PICKED UP A HOUSE AND USED IT AS A BACK SCRATCHER, IT FELT SO F*CKING GOOD!"

"Ok, can you stop attempting to describe the specifics in this and just describe the events?" A few question marks popped up in front of Iron WIll.

"JUST THE EVENTS? ALRIGHT THEN. I SNUCK OUT, BUILT A DIGISTRUCTING STATION, MET MYSELF FROM THE FUTURE, GOT STUCK IN TIME, USED THIS TIME TO SCAN A WHOLE MOUNTAIN, SLEEP, KEEP SCANNING THE MOUNTAIN CAUSE IT TAKES F*CKING FOREVER, FIND SH*T TO FIX THE TIME THINGY, RESHAPE ALL OF THE MOUNTAIN'S MASS INTO USABLE MATERIAL FOR BUILDING BUILDINGS VIA DISCORD, CONSTRUCT THIS BIGASS SKYSCRAPER HOUSE NEXT TO FLUTTERSHY THROUGH DIGISTRUCTING, GO THROUGH YOUR STUFF LOOKING FOR A BIT, DUPLICATE THE SH*T OUTTA THAT ONE BIT, USE THE THINGY TO GO BACK IN TIME SO I COULD TELL MYSELF FROM THE PAST TO DO THE SAME SH*T I JUST DID WITH DISCORD, COME BACK TO THE PRESENT, TROLL CELESTIA BY DELAYING THE SUNRISE CAUSE DISCORD'S A F*CKING BADASS, USE MY DIGISTRUCTING STATION TO CONSTANTLY SCAN ONE BIT AND INFINITELY REPRODUCE IT, FIND A DEPLOYABLE TORGUE VENDING MACHINE IN MY POCKET, DUPLICATE THE SH*T OUT OF THAT VENDING MACHINE, SET UP MORE TORGUE ADVERTISEMENT POSTERS, GET BADASS CLOTHES FROM RARITY, MAKE MORE DIGISTRUCTING STATIONS BY DUPLICATING THE ONE I ALREADY HAD, RUN BACK TO THE HOTEL, KICK DOWN THE DOOR, AND NOW WE'RE HERE!!!"

Mr. Torgue took a deep breath after the verbal onslaught before abruptly yelling again. "F*CK THAT WAS A LONG ASS SENTENCE, THEN AGAIN THAT WAS A LONG ASS NIGHT, I WAS AWAKE FOR LIKE TWO WHOLE DAYS."

"...What."

"I KNOW, PRETTY F*CKING BORING STORY RIGHT? I HAVN'T SEEN AN EXPLOSION FOR A HELLA LONG TIME!"

Iron Will pinched his forehead in exasperation. "What is this I don't even..."

"SO NOW THAT WE'RE DONE WITH THAT, LET'S GO RUN AROUND TOWN ADVERTISING MY NAME BY BLOWING SH*T UP! THEN WE GOT A SHOW TO DO! COME ON!" Mr. Torgue floated towards a wall and tapped it, causing a section of white to slide down, revealing a hallway. "BY THE WAY! STOP THINKING LIKE A TOTAL RETARD! YOU'RE F*CKING UP THE MIND READERS GOD DAMNIT!" Sure enough, a few sparks were coming out of the wall next to Iron WIll.

Iron Will sighed loudly. "You know what? I don't even care anymore about reasoning..."


As the duo exited Mr. Torgue's newly erected home, Iron Will couldn't help but glance around the surrounding area of Fluttershy's home, absolutely covered with wildlife and animals all happily... staring up into the sky? He looked behind him and looked up to see a sight that made his jaw drop. There was a massive, cylinder-shaped skyscraper with a strange bulging tip at the top; the building easily towered over anything else he had ever seen before. The whole building was completely made out of silver with crystal clear windows and electronic screens covering most of it, plus a large TORGUE logo at the top near the bottom of the bulge.

"HEY DISCORD! WAZZZAAAAAPPP??? WANNA BLOW SH*T UP?"

The draconequus in question was currently talking to Fluttershy, who was questioning the giant structure that erected out of nowhere overnight right outside her cottage.

"Well excuuuse me if some strange creature ran over here demanding that I turn his mountain into a skyscraper. Oh, why there he is now." Discord turned to face Mr. Torgue. "Salutations good sir! And yes, I would love to go make random objects explode. It is certainly one of the more finer forms of chaos, so long as you don't look at the explosion." With a snap of his talons, Discord suddenly donned a tuxedo, as well as a rocket launcher with a familiar race-car pattern.

"Okay Discord, but I'm coming with you, I don't want you hurting anypony, understand?" Fluttershy gave Discord a stern look.

"EXACTLY. STARTING FIGHTS FOR NO APPARENT REASON ALWAYS CAUSES PROBLEMS, EXCEPT IN MY CASE WHEN I FOUGHT IRON WILL AND BECAME FRIENDS. WAIT, WHAT THE F*CK? HOW DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN?"

"We must be..." Iron Will paused before smirking. "Badasses. Except for the fact that we scared away the entire crowd, that and the fact that we're probably going to be front page in the newspapers soon."

"F*CK YEAH WE'RE BADASSES, AND NOW THAT DISCORD IS WITH US, WE CAN GO F*CK SH*T UP ON A WHOLE NEW LEVEL! AND BY THAT I MEAN MAKE THINGS EXPLODE FOR PROFIT. HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK???"

Discord shrugged. "Eh, you don't really have to know how anything works, nothing really makes sense if you think about it. For instance, who's clever idea was it to go and milk cows in the first place?"

"PROBABLY SOME FARMER WHO WAS REALLY F*CKING DRU–"

Mr. Torgue was rudely interrupted by multiple explosions and screams emanating from the distance.

"Huh. I think I just heard Wilhelm scream," Discord remarked.

Mr. Torgue put a hand to his forehead and looked off into the distance. "DISCORD, DID YOU DO SOMETHING RETARDED, OR DO I SEE PONIES ACTUALLY RUNNING AROUND WITH MY GUNS?"

Discord shrugged. "Well I don't even know what a gun is, so I'm assuming they are indeed running around with your guns... whatever that means."

"AWESOME! LET'S GO DOWN THERE AND SPONTANEOUSLY START A PARTY! MOTHERF*CKING TORGUE STYLE. LET'S GO FIND PINKIE PIE!!!" He sprinted down the hill and jumped over all the various animals while shooting multiple rockets into the air with his POCKET ROCKET.

Discord bent his long neck over to Fluttershy's head. "How come he gets to cause so much chaos without everypony hating him?" He put on his best puppy eyes expression.

Fluttershy replied in a monotone voice. "Because he's nice and doesn't have a history of corrupting multiple ponies and turning an entire town upside down." She immediately smiled afterwards. "But you see what I mean Discord? Being nice to everypony can get you a long way, but have patience; it might take quite some time for everypony to accept you." Fluttershy cheerfully nuzzled Discord's head.

"Yes, I suppose it will," Discord sighed. "Now then, time to join him in wrecking havoc." With a snap of his fingers Discord disappeared with a bright white light.

"Hey! Don't you dare leave me behind when I said I'm sticking with you mister!" Faster than what most ponies would expect from Fluttershy, she took off from the ground at breakneck speeds, leaving behind a yellow trail with pink butterflies in its wake.

"Celestia as my witness I'm gonna get myself killed today..."


"HOLY SH*T STICK ON A D*CK WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW???"

Downtown Ponyville was utterly rampant with destruction caused by a few unicorns who managed to get their hooves on some guns from all the TORGUE vending machines set up last night. Fortunately, it was just the unicorns that were able to use them rather than everypony randomly starting an all out war. Except for Pinkie Pie, somehow she was using her mane to hold a gigantic pistol that was firing a multitude of rockets in a horizontal spread.

"Weeee! These things are so much fun!" She turned around and popped up right in Mr. Torgue's face, brandishing the gun in front of her. "Oh! Oh! Can you make these things shoot streamers? That would be so super duper fantastically–AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH IT'S DISCORD!!!"

"Obviously." Discord casually pointed the DERP DUUURP! in some random direction and fired a banana from it.

Mr. Torgue reached behind his back as a TORGUE SHOTGUN digistructed right into his hands. He swung it out and cocked it with one hand. "HEY PINKIE, THINK YOU CAN RANDOMLY THROW A F*CKING PARTY FOR NO GOD DAMN REASON RIGHT NOW? NOW'S THE PERFECT TIME TO ADVERTISE TORGUE AND HOW AWESOME EXPLOSIONS ARE!!!"

Before Pinkie could respond, Fluttershy managed to catch up and gracefully land by Discord. "Discord, next time wait for somepony if they want to accompany you." Fluttershy turned to Pinkie Pie. "And don't worry about Discord, he knows not to cause too much trouble. Besides, I'm going to be right here with him." Fluttershy cheerfully hugged Discord's leg.

Discord looked down and smiled sheepishly at the adorable gesture.

"HNNNGGHHH******ERRRMERRRGERRRSH WHAT IS DIS**********************THIS IS JUST SO F********GOD DAMN*******AAAAA**************PUPPIES*****CUTE!!! MY HEART!!! FLUTTERSHY YOU'RE SO F*CKING ADORABLE I JUST WANNA BEAT THE SH*T OUTTA PIKACHU!"

Fluttershy stared back at Mr. Torgue. "Uh...okay."

"Everypony! Stop what you are doing! In the name of Celestia just stop!" Mayor Mare desperately called out to the chaos unfolding in front of the town hall, to which many heads turned and all random explosions and Wilhelm screams ceased.

The mayor sighed a breath of relief. "As I'm sure all of you are aware, there has been a disturbance in the marketplace due to the appearance of some strange machines that will generate these..."guns" at just the push of a button. While I'm sure you all love this amazing technology, these things are dangerous and are causing harm to our town and potentially to other ponies. We need to–"

"BLOW MORE SH*T UP! DON'T YOU ALL LOVE EXPLOSIONS? PRETTY MUCH EVERY PROBLEM IN THIS WORLD CAN BE SOLVED WITH AN EXPLOSION!!! BUY MY GUNS, AND YOU'LL BE BLOWING STUFF UP IN NO TIME! ALL FOR A REASONABLE PRICE! JUST BE SURE TO PRACTICE SAFETY AND READ THE F*CKING INSTRUCTION MANUALS. I KNOW WAY TOO MANY DUMB ASSES WHO DON'T READ THAT SH*T! THERE'S A REASON WHY KNOWLEDGE IS F*CKING POWER!"

Unfortunately, not many ponies listened to Mr. Torgue's little speech.

"AAAAAAA!!! It's that thing from yesterday!"

"He's with Discord!!! AND PINKIE!!!!"

"RUN!!!"

"Use the guns! USE THE GUNS!"

A few explosive rounds flew by Mr. Torgue and the group, all incredibly inaccurate. Multiple clicks could be heard from the guns as they all stopped firing after a few shots.

"HEY! YOU GOTTA RELOAD THE GUN! THEY DON'T JUST SHOOT STUFF FOREVER." He took out an explosive bullet from his pocket. "YOU SEE THIS THING? YOU GOTTA TAKE IT–" Mr. Torgue slowly moved the bullet into the shotgun. "–AND PUT IT INTO THE GUN!"

Discord was casually lounging on a random sofa he conjured. "I have to admit, explosions do seem to put on quite the show."

A certain lavender unicorn's voice bellowed above the crowd. "CITIZENS OF PONYVILLE! DO NOT PANIC! Mr. Torgue and Discord mean us no harm, and neither does Pinkie! Just allow me to explai–ACK! Darnit Lyra!"

Twilight was unfortunately shoved aside by a franticly charging mint green unicorn. "Ohmygosh Ohmygosh Ohmygosh! Is that...Is that a HUMAN?!?!?! YES! I KNEW THEY WERE REAL! Lyra ran up to Mr. Torgue and pointed to all the various gadgets and guns he had strapped on. Human, did you make all those devices???"

Somewhere in the mass of confusion, Bon Bon desperately shouted out. "Lyra no! That thing beat up Iron Will yesterday!"

Mr. Torgue stared at this strange unicorn that seemed to be bursting with excitement. "WHOA, CAN YOU BREAK THE FOURTH WALL TOO?"

"...What?" Lyra raised an eyebrow.

Pinkie somehow extended her neck and whispered into Mr. Torgue's ear. "Shhhh! Don't tell anypony about that!"

He pointed a finger at Lyra. "THEN WHY THE F*CK DOES MINTY HERE KNOW ABOUT HUMANS?"

"Don't you know? Humans are a species of legend here in Equestria! Ponies tend to think you guys are bad, but I think you just need to show them how awesome you are with your technology!" Lyra enthusiastically tried to telekinetically remove a grenade from Mr. Torgue's belt, but she pulled the pin instead.

"OH SH*T, WHAT THE F*CK!!!" He quickly dislodged the grenade and tossed it behind him.

A scream that sounded awfully similar to Iron Will's emanated from the direction of the following explosion.

Lyra sprinted past Mr. Torgue with an expression of pure panic. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!! I'm so sorry! Please forgive me, I-I didn't mean to..." She gasped in horror at the mutilated corpse. "IS HE DEAD???"

Mr. Torgue turned around to see Iron Will's lifeless body slowly disintegrate. "DON'T F*CKING WORRY ABOUT IT, HE'LL BE BACK TO LIFE IN A FEW SECONDS. HE'S ALREADY IN THE TORGUE RELIEF RE-LIFE SYSTEM FROM WHEN MY DIGISTRUCTING STATION SCANNED HIM. THAT ESSENTIALLY JUST F*CKING MEANS HE CAN COME BACK TO LIFE AS LONG AS MY DIGISTRUCTING STATIONS ARE STILL WORKING"

"Wait, you... you can bring people back to life?" Lyra looked back at Mr. Torgue tearfully.

"EEF*CKINGYUP! I CAN TAKE A DIGITAL RENDITION OF ANYTHING AND BRING IT INTO THIS WORLD IN ITS EXACT SAVED STATE. WATCH, IRON WILL IS GONNA COME CHARGING OUT OF THAT HOTEL DOOR OVER THERE ANY SECOND NOW."

Sure enough, the double doors of a nearby building were thrown open as a furious minotaur charged through them. "WHAT THE BUCK WAS THAT FOR???"

Mr. Torgue tossed his shotgun into the crowd and brought his fists up. "I HAVE NO F*CKING IDEA! LET'S FIGHT!"

Iron Will tackled Mr. Torgue to the ground as for the second day in a row the two of them battled an epic fight as they tackled and punched each other into various structures all over town. They were smashing into shopping stands, crashing through doors and windows, and even grabbing random objects like rakes and shovels along the way. Meanwhile, a crowd of bystanders gathered and could only look in awe at the miraculous resurrection of Iron Will.

Twilight looked like she was going to start bouncing off the houses any second now. "How... HOW DID YOU DO THAT? Mr. Torgue, you're a genius! Do you realize how many lives can be saved and drastically affected? You need to help those that are dying in hospitals pronto! I'll send Princess Celestia a letter! I can get you all the bits you need! I'll... uh, Mr. Torgue?

"F*********CK!"

Iron Will had just delivered a fatal blow to Mr. Torgue's face, causing enough head damage for him to stumble back onto the ground lay there for an uncomfortable amount of time until he began to fade away.

Iron Will slowly backed away from the spot where Mr. Torgue used to be, gasping in horror.

Mr. Torgue soon ran out of the Hotel as well, with his body and equipment looking good as new. "SH*T THAT WAS A GOOD FIGHT! YOU DESERVE THE HONOR OF A FISTBUMP FROM YOURS TRULY!!!"

"Wait what? Ah, what the hay, why not?"

After fist-bumping Iron Will and following up with a manly hug, Mr. Torgue turned around and realized that everypony started to cheer and stomp the ground repeatedly after such an entertaining fight, exulting in jubilant joy at the prospect of so many life changing aspects that could be brought upon by this TORGUE RELIEF RE-LIFE technology.

Like being able to spontaneously fight for no apparent reason.

"That was amazing!"

"I'll pay you anything sir! How do I sign up for this?"

"We're so sorry for judging you!"

"YEEEAHH! EXPLOSIONS!" A white pegasus stallion flexed his muscles above the crowd.

Mr. Torgue only smiled as the ponies continued to cheer, praising him and apologizing for their accusations from before.

Even Discord was standing up and gaping in awe at this marvelous technology. "Mr. Torgue, can you... defy death forever with this? Are you some sort of god?"

"F*CK YEAH I CAN DEFY DEATH! BUT I NEED YOU ALL TO LISTEN TO MY GOD DAMN WORDS. FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOT A GOD, I'M JUST A HUMAN FROM THE FUTURE. SECOND, UNDERSTAND THAT THIS ISN'T A FOOL PROOF SYSTEM THAT CAN SOLVE ALL YOUR F*CKING PROBLEMS OVERNIGHT. THIS IS THE REASON WHY I WANT ALL OF YOU TO SHUT UP AND LISTEN AS I CONTINUE TO F*CKING ADVERTISE TORGUE!!! THEN I CAN ACTUALLY EXPLAIN HOW ALL THIS SH*T WORKS, AND AFTER THAT I CAN HELP ALL OF YOU! GOT IT?"

Mr. Torgue's outburst was meet with cheers and more hoof stomping.

"OH YEAH AND DRAGON, YOU STILL NEEED TO WAIT A BIT FOR THE ASSERTIVENESS SHOW, YOU'RE EARLY BY A COUPLE HOURS."

"Yeah I know, I just wanted to see what all the commotion was about."

The crowd of ponies turned around to see a giant orange dragon that was sitting behind them the whole time.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"