EQUESTRIA? F*CK YEAH!
"ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER EXPLOSION."
A large, abnormally muscular man wearing sunglasses, headphones, a red hat, golden chains, and some oddly fashioned vambraces with screws protruding from them kicked down the kitchen door of TORGUE HEADQUARTERS. He proceeded to unload an entire magazine of explosive rounds from a TORGUE SHOTGUN at the roof, causing a section to collapse and fall onto one of the unfortunate chefs.
"Auugh!!!"
"NYEEEEOOOOHHHHMEEEEEDLYYYBREEEEBREEEEEWEEEAAAARRRR!!!" Mr. Torgue attempted to imitate the sounds of a guitar with his voice, but unfortunately it sounded more like random noise. "WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST GUYS???" He threw aside the shotgun into a gun holster on a nearby wall.
The chefs at the Torgue cooperation gaped in shock at their boss before one of them bravely replied, "Uhhh, bacon and–"
"I F*CKING LOVE BACON. SLAUGHTERED PIGS ARE THE BEST F*CKING THING EVER!" His digital censor bleeped out the cusses just as he said them; the censor was something that Mr. Torgue's shareholders demanded he install into his voice box in order to make him seem a little less vulgar.
A chef held out a pan towards Mr. Torgue. "H-here you go sir..."
Mr. Torgue grabbed the pan full of warm, sizzling bacon strips by the bottom and jerked his arm upwards, launching the bacon strips right into his open mouth, chewing them ferociously. He hurled the pan across the room like a frisbee when he was done.
"THAT WAS SOME DELICIOUS BACON. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, AND I'LL GIVE ALL OF YOU A RAISE OR SOME SH*T."
"Thank you very much sir."
Mr. Torgue then picked the door back up from the ground and left the room, slamming it back into the frame.
After another day full of yelling, explosions, and making sure that his corporation was still awesome, Mr. Torgue finally settled back into his room. At the moment it had nothing in it and was just an entirely empty white room. Mr. Torgue clapped his hands, to which the room responded by opening up sections of the ground and raising a bed, TV, and a fridge. He grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat down on his bed before turning on the television with a snap of his fingers.
"Handsome Jack here, with the Hyperion–" The channel quickly changed.
"Dahl provides–" Another snap.
"Does this gun shoot freaking arrows?–"
"I wonder what it's like to have a bellybutton–"
"My Little Pony... My Little Pony..."
Mr. Torgue stared at the TV briefly. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SH*T."
Pandora, the planet that Mr. Torgue resides on, never really had anything cute and cuddly on it. When people thought of Pandora, they thought of monsters and bandits with lots of guns. That, or they thought this planet was the best place ever because of all the monsters and bandits with lots of guns. Seeing how deviant this odd show was, Mr. Torgue decided to watch it. Somehow, the time just flew by, minutes becoming hours and more hours.
"WHY THE F*CK HAS THIS BEEN BROADCASTING FOR 7 HOURS STRAIGHT?"
A speaker unfolded out of the wall. "Sir, you may wanna keep it down, it's 4 AM."
"SH*T, SORRY ABOUT THAT."
"Not a problem." The speaker folded back into the wall.
Mr. Torgue turned back to the TV screen, motioning his arm downwards as the volume of the TV decreased. On screen, the ponies were currently getting into an all out war with some buffalos.
"WEAPONIZED PIE IS F*CKING BRILLIANT! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT BEFORE? NO ONE WOULD SUSPECT A PIE TO THE FACE TO ACTUALLY BE DANGEROUS!"
As the ponies ran off into the sunset, the screen froze.
"GOD DAMNIT. STUPID TV, MAKING ME MISS QUALITY ANIMATION." He threw a beer bottle at the TV, causing both the bottle and the screen to shatter into multiple pieces.
"SH*T. THAT USUALLY FIXES IT."
He got up to see what the problem was with the TV, but without warning the screen blacked out. A small circle suddenly formed in the middle as Pinkie Pie stretched it outwards before shoving her upper torso through. She turned her head at Mr. Torgue as she smiled cheerfully, moving more of her body through the hole and closer to the screen before she started knocking on it.
"WAIT A MINUTE. IT WAS JUST PART OF THE DAMN SHOW. F*CK, I'M STUPID." He began to sit down again.
Pinkie then jumped out of the screen and into the room, sending shards of the already cracked screen throughout the room.
Mr. Torgue jumped back and hit the bed frame. "HOLY D*CKBALLS. HOW THE F*CK–"
"Hey there Mr. Torgue! How's it going? I see you've been watching our show! Whaddya think? Pretty neato huh?" She gleefully hopped onto the bed.
"SINCE WHEN CAN TALKING PONIES TELEPORT AROUND THROUGH TV SCREENS? I DUNNO, BUT THIS SHOW IS F*CKING AWESOME!!! HEY WAIT A MINUTE, WHY THE F*CK CAN YOU DO THAT?" He pointed to the TV screen, now devoid of its screen.
"It's because I can break the fourth wall and travel through space and time! It messes up a lot of physics and space time thingies though," Pinkie happily chirped.
"HOLY SH*T MY MIND IS BLOWN. HOW THE F*CK DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT ME? I MUST BE A PRETTY BIG BADASS IF SOME MAGICAL TALKING PONY FROM WHO THE F*CK KNOWS WHERE KNOWS ABOUT ME." He inadvertently flexed his gargantuan muscles as he pointed to himself with a thumb.
"I know right? So listen, because I break the you know what, I like to bring random people from who knows where into Equestria just for fun! It always annoys this weird fella who lives in a blue phone booth though. Anyways, since you've been watching the show, I was wondering, ya wanna come with?" She pointed at the TV.
"WAIT WHAT. SO I CAN GO INTO THE TV?"
Pinkie giggled. "No silly! You get to actually be in Equestria! It actually exists in an alternate dimension."
Mr. Torgue stared at the TV blankly for a bit before smashing another beer bottle on a nearby table that unfolded just to come into contact with the bottle.
"HELL YEAH! LETS GO TO THE LAND OF MAGICAL F*CKING UNICORNS AND BLOW SH*T UP."
He then dived into the TV, leaving a massive dent on what was left of it. The TV then started to tilt towards the ground before falling on top of Mr. Torgue's head.
Pinkie laughed uproariously. "Ok... maybe I wasn't specific enough. I'm the one who can teleport things around, not the TV. I just did that so that I would scare you a lot less than if I came out of the wall or something."
Mr. Torgue continued to lay on the ground without a response.
"You okay?" Pinkie moved the TV off his body before she tapped him a few times, realizing that he was out cold. "Awww. Stupid me not explaining things better. She laid a hoof on Mr. Torgue's back as the two of them slowly faded out from existence,
The speaker came out of the wall again. "Ugh, sir, please be considerate of those around you..."
Mr. Torgue woke up on the floor in a strange pink room; he quickly shot up, wildly looking about. "GOOD F*CKING MORNING EVERYBODY. WAIT A SEC, WHERE THE F*CK AM I? WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? DID I GET DRUNK AGAIN? AM I SO DRUNK THAT I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER DRINKING?! WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW–"
Before he could yell some more, Pinkie got out of a nearby bed and threw a cake into his face, effectively shutting him up.
"You're in my room! Oh! How could I forget? You got knocked out by the TV, so I had to get you here myself! You didn't wake up for a long time, so I just decided to let you sleep here, sorry I don't have another bed or anything. I can't wait to let you meet everypony in town! We're gonna have so much fun–"
"HEY, DO YOU HAVE ANY GUNS IN EQUESTRIA? AND NONE OF THOSE SISSY GUNS THAT SHOOT 'BUUULEETS', I NEED GUNS THAT SHOOT ROCKETS!" The cake seemed to have been completely devoured, with smudges of frosting remaining on his complexion.
"Oh, uh... yeah, we don't have any of those here, but I'm sure you can just make some! Just be sure not to kill anypony if you wanna have fun here though!"
"OH WAIT, I HAVE A GUN IN MY POCKET." He pulled out a revolver-like pistol and twirled it around his finger before cocking it. "I CALL THIS THE MOTHERF*CKING POCKET ROCKET!!!"
He then shot a few rounds out the window. Some screams outside soon followed.
"LET'S GO OUT AND FIGHT SOME BAD GUYS. WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" He dived out the now broken window, miraculously fitting all of his body through the small frame.
"Ooooh! That looks like fun!" Pinkie pulled her party cannon out of her mane. Lighting the fuse, she hopped in and shot herself out the window as well.
As the two of them flew through the air, Mr. Torgue noted all the shocked expressions of the denizens bellow him, utterly flabbergasted at the strange creature that just jumped out of the local bakery's penthouse window. Lost in the moment, he donned a superman pose before continuing to yell at the top of his lungs.
"HOLY D*CK BISCUITS, EVERYTHING IS SO GODDAMN COLORFUL. I F*CKING LOVE IT!!!"
"WEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
The two of them then crash landed into a random pile of hay before getting out and running about.
"SO WHAT THE F*CK SHOULD WE DO?"
"Oh! Oh! I know! You should totally meet everypony around town! It'll be so much fun!" She bounced around and started to point in various directions. "We could go to the library, the boutique, the bowling alley–"
"HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE? IT LOOKS LIKE SOME SORT OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECH."
In the distance a portable stage was set up, atop was a buff minotaur yelling into a headpiece in front of a rather large audience.
"So I say, make sure your voice can be heard!" Iron Will took off his mic and yelled to the crowd to emphasis his point. "GET LOUD. GET PROUD!
"YEAHHHHH!" Somewhere in the crowd, an overly muscular white pegasus with tiny wings flexed his forelegs.
Mr. Torgue somehow suddenly got up on the stage with Iron Will. "YOU HEARD THE MINOTAUR! GET LOUD! GET PROUD! IT'S WHAT MAKES EXPLOSIONS SO AWESOME."
The crowd stared in shock at the strange creature up on the stage. Iron Will even jumped back in surprise. Irritated, he stepped up to Mr. Torgue, looking straight into Mr. Torgue's sunglasses.
Iron Will stuck his face into Mr. Torgue's, the two being about the same height. "Hey! Iron Will doesn't need random ponies coming up onto Iron Will's stage, interrupting his assertiveness lessons! GET BACK DOWN AND STOP MESSING AROUND!" He snorted loudly.
"SORRY ABOUT THAT. I MUST HAVE BEEN INCREDIBLY INCONSIDERATE. YOU HAVE MY APOLOGIES." Mr. Torgue turned around to walk off the stage.
Unfortunately, Iron Will mistook Mr. Torgue's sincere apology as sarcasm. "Hey! Iron Will doesn't appreciate your kind of attitude! Are you trying to start a FIGHT? Cause I don't like violent ponies." Iron Will leaned towards Mr. Torgue and shot him an angry look.
Mr. Torgue turned around with a crazed smile on his face. "YOU WANNA FIGHT? SURE THING PAL! I LOVE FIGHTS! NOTHING LIKE A GOOD OL' SPAR BETWEEN TWO MANLY MEN TO FIX UP A MISUNDERSTANDING."
Iron Will looked at him in confusion before being tackled to the ground. Mr. Torgue prepared to deliver a punch to the face, but Iron Will quickly countered with his own punch to the face, effectively knocking Mr. Torgue off him and onto the ground. The crowd screamed and quickly dispersed as the two got up and continued to pummel each other, each grunting manly noises and yelling obnoxiously loud. The fight changed constantly, varying from headlocks and chokes, to headbutts and punches, but none of them ever dared going for the "manly" parts.
This was one of the most badass brawls of all time, until Pinkie Pie ran up to them.
"Oooh! This looks fun! Count me in!" She dived into the middle of the fight, creating a cartoony smoke cloud that wildly bounced about, complete with random limbs sticking out.
"AUUUGH! WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON???"
"Iron Will does not approve of this!
The three of them were eventually launched in different directions with stars above their heads as the smoke cloud dissipated.
After a brief period of moving his head around in circles, Mr. Torgue slowly got to his feet, brushing himself off. "THAT WAS A BADASS FIGHT IRON WILL. WE SHOULD BE PALS, YOU HEAR?"
Iron Will chuckled as he got up too. "I don't even... you know what? Iron Will doesn't know what the hay is wrong with you, but none of his assertive techniques has done ANYTHING to stop you. Plus, you're really good at fighting for some reason! Heck, Iron Will can't even tell if you were being sarcastic just then. Iron Will hopes not, because you may even be as assertive as Iron Will! YOU should help Iron Will in his assertiveness demonstrations!"
"HELL YEAH I SHOULD, BUT THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT YOU JUST AIN'T DOING RIGHT. HERE, FOLLOW ME, I SHOULD SHOW YOU HOW AGGRESSIVE MARKETING IS DONE, YOU'LL BE RICH IN NO TIME! YOU WANT IN?" He stuck his fist out, to which Iron Will gladly bumped with a smirk.
Pinkie got up and cheerfully smiled. "Awww, you've made a friend already! Oh! How about we go visit some of my friends? That would be so super duper fantastically fun!"
"WE'LL START WITH PINKIE'S FRIENDS! LEAD THE WAY PINKIE!" He crouched and pointed off into the air dramatically while flexing his other arm.
"Okey Dokie Lokie! They're gonna have a picnic in a couple minutes! We'll get there right on time!" She happily bounced off, only to be outrun by a sprinting Mr. Torgue.
"F*CK BEING ON TIME! WE HAVE TO GET THERE EARLY! GOOD WORK ETHICS CREATE SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS PRACTICES!!"
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IS YOUR CAPS BROKEN TOO?
lol
THIS IS SO BADASS
EVEN MORE AWESOME THAN THE BADASS CRATER OF BADASSITIUDE
This fic is brought to you by Michael bay.
BAYSPLOSION!!!!!
Guess what? im pretty sure they are the same voice actors
FUCK YEAH
I LAUGHED THE ENTIRE CHAPTER!!!!
I CANT BREATH IM ALUGHTNGI SO HARD. CANT TYPE A S WELSL
I CANT STOP LAUGHING!
I SEE EVERYONE IS FOND OF THE ROYAL CANTERLOCK VOICE AS WELL!
MR.TORGUE IS F*CKING HILARIOUS!
Omg I couldn't stop laughing and now I'm just dying of laughter and crying tears because of it! Very Well done!
YAY! MY TWO FAVORITE THINGS: MR. TORGUE, AND MLP!
LOUD AND F*bleep*INV PROUD! TORGUE FOREVEEEEEEEEER
Dear sweet mother of God. The caps... All those poor sentences that don't have capital letters anymore...
i don't know what i expected... but i think this was it.
1879192 Iron Will and Mr. Torgue are the same voice actors. Oh Don't forget: BUY A GUN FROM TORGUE GUNS THE BALLS TO WALL AWESOME SUPER COOL THE WORLDS BEST GUNS OF ALL THE UNIVERSE!!!!!
Well at the very least we know he will do nothing to offend Rarity. After all, nothing is more badass than treating a woman with respect.
I love this. Serious question, though. Does Mr. Torgue have Tourette's syndrome?