• Published 31st Dec 2012
  • 4,306 Views, 84 Comments

EXPLOSIONS??? - Opticlaudimix



Mr. Torgue, a successful corporation eponymous who loves explosions and yelling comes to Equestria because Pinkie is bored. Ridiculous events follow. Note: Written for anyone to read, assumes no knowledge of Borderlands 2 or its DLC.

  • ...
6
 84
 4,306

TOO MANY EXPLOSIONS

Mr. Torgue flew towards the changeling swarm hovering over Ponyville as he drew his POCKET ROCKET only to look at it in confusion and put it away. He then flew straight into the massive changeling swarm and pushed a button on his jetpack.

"CARPE DIEM!!!" His jetpack immediately exploded, sending green goop everywhere and launching hundreds of bugs bits in all directions.

Many changelings stopped what they were doing and looked at the sky in horror, hissing loudly with awestruck expressions.

Rainbow's jaw dropped. "What."

Derpy blinked. "What do 'for narnia' and 'carpe diem' even mean?"

"They're both stuff you would say right before you do something reaaaaally stupid. Remember back when I used to say 'yolo' a lot?" asked Pinkie.

Mr. Torgue materialized by the beacon, this time with a giant sword strapped to his back. "PINKIE'S PRETTY MUCH SPOT ON, CAUSE WHEN I WAS FLYING I REALIZED I FORGOT TO BRING AMMO SO I WAS LIKE F*CK IT, ALLAH! ALSO, YOLO WOULDN'T MAKE SENSE FOR THIS SINCE CLEARLY, I'M LIVING MORE THAN ONCE UNLIKE MOST RETARDED FAGGOTS. SERIOUSLY, THE AMOUNT OF TIMES I HAVE HEARD SUICIDE PSYCHOS BACK IN PANDORA SHOUT YOLO BEFORE KILLING THEMSELVES MAKES ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF."

"That's nice and all, but I think you may have just pissed off the rest of them."

A large number of changelings had spotted the group in front of Vinyl & Octavia's house and charged towards them, fangs bared and dripping with green goop.

"SH*T'S ABOUT TO GET REAL!" Mr. Torgue drew his sword and pushed a button on the hilt, extending multiple spikes along the blade; the middle also glowed blue.

Rainbow socked an oncoming changeling in the face. "Torgue, stop messing around! What the hay is the point of a six foot long sword when you can just blow everything up?"

Mr. Torgue was swinging around the massive blade with ease, almost as if he were simply swinging a stick around. However, the blade was simply passing through everything he hit, confusing the changelings as they looked around to see if the weapon would indirectly hurt them somehow.

"WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT RAINBOW? ME WITHOUT EXPLOSIONS IS LIKE A SANDWICH WITHOUT BREAD." Mr. Torgue snapped his fingers as every changeling he had hit before suddenly glowed blue as they exploded, launching and injuring many other changelings. "DON'T DOUBT MY EXPLOSIONS DAMNIT!"

Suddenly, Mr Torgue was punched in the back of the head with enough force to send him careening into another house.

"Hey Mr. Torgue! Don't punch yourself! It's not good for you!" shouted Derpy.

"Wait what?" Rainbow turned around as she bucked another changeling. "Derpy look out! That's a changeling, not Mr. Torgue!"

Seeing how strong Mr. Torgue was, the rest of the changelings decided to transform themselves into Mr. Torgue, igniting green flames throughout the town.

"TIME TO BLOW SH*T UP!"

"WOOOOOOO EXPLOSIONS!"

"WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON?"

"DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL LIKE A F*CKING BADASS RIGHT NOW?"

"HOLY SH*T I JUST REALIZED THAT I'M STANDING ON MY HIND LEGS!"

"THIS IS F*CKING AWESOME!"

Iron Will looked around in horror. "Oh dear Celestia this cannot be happening this cannot be happening WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!?!"

Mr. Torgue jumped out of the house he was in. "HOLY SH*T WHY ARE THERE SO MANY ME'S???"

"WE'RE CHANGELINGS DUMBASS!"

"GOD YOU'RE F*CKING STUPID."

"HEY LET'S GO BEAT THE SH*T OUTTA SOME PONIES!"

"EWWW, THAT'S F*CKING NASTY!"

"NOT LITERALLY YOU F*CKING IDIOT."

Rainbow took to the skies to avoid the stampede of charging Torgue's. "Sweet Celestia! Do something Mr. Torgue!"

"I AM DOING SOMETHING!" More changeling Torgue's exploded soon after.

"Oh! Oh! Mr. Torgue, can I have that weird gun that shot out like twenty rockets all at once that I had this morning? Prettypretty please?"

"It would definitely help if we had some weapons right–OOF!" Iron Will was interrupted by a roundhouse kick to the face.

"GET TO THE VENDING MACHINES AND THROW MONEY AT IT! ACTUALLY, IT WOULD PROBABLY BE A BETTER IDEA IF RAINBOW WENT TO GET THEM FOR YOU GUYS!"

Suddenly, the beacon started glowing blue again as more Mr. Torgue's suddenly resapwned.

"WHAT THE F*CK?"

"WAIT, I'M ALIVE? WHAT IS THIS???"

"WHO GIVES A SH*T? LET'S KEEP BLOWING STUFF UP!"

"HEY, HOW COME WE HAVE THESE BIGASS SWORDS ON OUR BACKS?"

"HOLY SH*T THIS IS THE THINGY THAT THE ACTUAL ME USED TO KILL ME!"

The newly spawned group of changeling Torgue's all drew their swords and sprinted towards the ponies.

"Crud! Mr. Torgue, stop killing more of them!" shouted Rainbow.

"What are we going to do???" Iron Will was running for his life, only to be slashed by one of the changeling Torgue's and exploding immediately after.

"MEET UP AT TORGUE HEADQUARTERS, I NEED TO CHANGE THE DATABANKS AND STOP THIS MADNESS!" Mr. Torgue stabbed himself with his sword as he started to glow blue. "I'M GONNA MEET YOU ALL THERE!"

"Come on Derpy! We gotta go!" Rainbow flew over to Derpy and grabbed her before taking off towards TORGUE HEADQUARTERS at supersonic speeds.

"Hey what about me?! hate it when I have to do something cartoony! That stuff should only happen randomly and at appropriate comedic moments!" Pinkie pouted.

"WHAT THE F*CK IS THE PINK HORSEY TALKING ABOUT?"

"IT DOESN'T MATTER, JUST KILL IT WITH EXPLOSIONS!"

Pinkie took a step forward and suddenly disappeared. "Sorry fourth wall! I owe you BIG time!"


Iron Will suddenly found himself reappearing in a rather small bedroom occupied with a single bed, the digistruct beacon, and multiple floating screens, along with the rest of the gang . Mr. Torgue was fiddling with a floating screen, typing at ridiculously fast speeds while constantly tapping the screen. Everypony else seemed to be looking at the screen with worried expressions.

Iron Will went over and had a look for himself. "Guys, what's going on?"

"SON OF A BITCH, THE SCANNERS CAN'T DIFFERENTIATE A CHANGELING AND ME FOR SOME STUPID F*CKING REASON. I'M TRYING TO SEE IF I CAN GET THEM TO DISTINGUISH MY BRAIN AND THEIRS, BUT APPARENTLY, CHANGELINGS BECOME EXACT F*CKING COPIES WITH DIFFERENT THOUGHTS. THIS IS BULLSH*T!"

"Well then how are we supposed to get them all out of Ponyville?" asked Rainbow.

Pinkie stuck her head through the floating screen. "See Mr. Torgue? This is why we NEED to bring back everypony! We need their help!"

"OH SH*T, I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT ALL OF THEM. LET ME JUST SPAWN THEM ALL IN THE WHITE ROOM." Mr. Torgue tapped an icon on the screen as a loud thud came from underneath them. He then pulled a microphone out of his pocket and started shouting into it without pausing. "OKAY SORRY ABOUT ALL THE RETARDED SH*T I JUST DID TO ALL OF YOU THAT WAS ALL A TEST TO SEE IF ALL OF YOU WERE ASSERTIVE TURNS OUT YOU ALL WERE SO GOOD F*CKING JOB YOU'RE ALL BADASS BUT NOW I NEED HELP CAUSE PONYVILLE'S UNDER ATTACK BY CHANGELINGS AND THEY'RE SH*TTING NASTY ASS GREEN GOOP EVERYWHERE."

He took a breath. "DID THAT MAKE SENSE TO ALL OF YOU?"

"Dude! You're just confusing them more!" Rainbow Dash grabbed the mic. "Listen everypony! I know everything's weird right now, but Torgue was just testing us to see if we were assertive, turns out we were for rebelling, so don't worry, he's a good guy! But while we were gone, he found out that there were changelings in Ponyville, so now they're launching an attack since we were gone!"

Pinkie yanked the mic out of Rainbow's hoof "Hey I have an idea! Twilight, you should write a letter to Princess Celestia that there are changelings attacking us right now!"

"DO YOU SERIOUSLY F*CKING THINK THAT A GIANT WHITE FLYING UNICORN HORSE CAN BEAT AN ARMY OF MR. TORGUE'S ARMED WITH AN INFINITE AMOUNT OF EXPLOSIVES?"

"Hey, shouldn't we go down and talk to them rather than talking into a pipe?" Derpy asked.

"Hey, that actually seems like a better idea than just staying up here shouting at them."

Derpy narrowed her eyes, "But you're shouting at a pipe, not them!"

"F*CK IT, WE'RE GOING DOWN THERE AND COMING UP WITH A GODDAMN PLAN! TO THE WHITE ROOM WHERE RETARDED IDEAS ARE MADE!"

Mr. Torgue got up and punched the wall next to him, causing it to slide back and reveal a secret door built into the wall that lead to a blue portal. He simply walked into it and disappeared without any dramatic effects or the usual cantankerous shouting. The others shrugged and simply followed behind, each vanishing one by one.


After assuring the citizens of Ponyville that Mr. Torgue was just acting and nothing changed aside from the changeling invasion, all of Ponyville plus Mr. Torgue found themselves brainstorming and debating about numerous ideas on how to deal with the changeling problem as soon as possible.

Unfortunately, Twilight disapproved just about every single one of Mr. Torgue's ideas. "Ugh, Mr. Torgue, ponies are benevolent beings. For the last time, we don't like bloodshed unless it's absolutely necessary and all your ideas involve brutally murdering all of the changelings with some super weapon."

An image of a nuclear explosion popped up in front of Mr. Torgue. "WELL I DON'T SEE HOW TURNING OFF THE DIGISTRUCT STATIONS AND NUKING PONYVILLE COUNTS AS 'BRUTAL MURDER'. IT'S ACTUALLY A PRETTY F*CKING QUICK DEATH."

Twilight sighed. "That's not the point, if anything get's so violent that it involves bodily fluids, I simply don't want to do it. There would be green blood everywhere if we set off a giant explosion."

"BUT I ALREADY KILLED LIKE HUNDREDS OF THEM BEFORE ALL THIS!"

"Then don't kill anymore, we aren't trying to drive the changelings towards extinction," Twilight said.

Rarity came over and nudged Twilight. "The majority of the town wants us to somehow get Princess Celestia over here and deliver the elements of harmony to deal with the problem. How in Equestria are we supposed to ensure that she arrives safely?"

Applejack followed behind Rarity. "Ah' reckon that we should just find a way to deal with em' buggers using what we already have, no need to risk her majesty gettin' hurt."

Twilight facehoofed. "The only one here who knows how to exploit all this technology is Mr. Torgue, and all he wants to do is kill all of them."

"WELL THAT'S JUST HOW I DID SH*T BACK IN MY WORLD."

Rainbow Dash noticed the discussion and flew in as well. "I agree with Mr. Torgue! We're wasting time here, and changelings are evil monsters that do nothing but bad stuff! Why the hay do we want them around?"

"You never know if they're causing problems for other evildoers out there. You can't just simply kill off evil Rainbow," Twilight retorted.

Pinkie suddenly fell from the roof and met the floor with her face. "Owie! Hey, can we get the dragon to scare them all away? Or Discord to just zap them all away?"

As if on cue, Discord's bright white flash signaled his appearance. "No, I can't just simply ZAP them away. I can only do random things that don't make any sense."

"Uhh, I'm not sure if this would work, but can't we just move all of them somewhere else by using digistructing?"

Everypony turned towards Fluttershy, who was standing meekly in the back of the group.

"REITERATE AND EXPLAIN."

"Maybe we could do something like kill all of them, then respawn them really far away, in some forest or something."

They all contemplated the idea for a moment before turning towards Mr. Torgue.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Well?"

"WHAT?"

"Can we do that? You get to kill them safely if that makes any sense."

"WELL WHERE DO YOU WANT TO MOVE THEM?"

Rainbow Dash raised a hoof. "I say we go for the Everfree forest, they ought to fight right in!"

Mr. Torgue brought up a screen and tapped it a few times. "DONE."

"Seriously? Just like that?"

"THIS BUILDING ISN'T SHAPED LIKE A D*CK FOR NOTHING! THERE'S A CANNON AT THE TOP POWERED BY MILK, SO I SHOT OUT A DIGISTRUCT STATION INTO THE EVERFREE FOREST NEARBY! PLUS LOADS OF MILK!"

Pinkie looked disgusted. "Dude. No. Just no."

"NOW TO NUKE PONYVILLE! TESTOSTERONE!" Mr. Torgue pushed a button on the screen as the room exploded.


The denizens of Ponyville soon found themselves reappearing in a perfectly normal Ponyville, plus some green goop and rust colored dust everywhere.

Rainbow put a hoof to her nose. "Jeez it smells bad out here! Gah, what the hay did you do Torgue?"

Mr. Torgue was flying around wearing a gas mask. "SIDE EFFECT OF BIGASS EXPLOSIONS. THEY TYPICALLY SMELL LIKE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF SOMEONE SHAT ON A PILE OF ROTTEN CHEESE AND THEN FARTED ON IT."

Twilight was walking around in a protective bubble. "Well is there any way you can clean up all the damage?"

"I CAN'T THINK OF ANY, SO I'M GOING BACK HOME TO TAKE A NAP AND EAT A SANDWICH WHILE I'M SLEEPING!"

"Well hold on a darn minute here, you need to at least help us clean up this rotten mess!" shouted Applejack.

"F*CK THAT, I'M GOING TO BE A LAZY ASS MOTHERF*CKER AND PROCRASTINATE ALL DAY! AND BY THAT I MEAN SLEEP AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES. SEE YOU ALL LATER!"

He then took out his POCKET ROCKET and shot Iron Will before flying away towards his home.