THAT TITLE IS BULLSH*T AND YOU KNOW IT!
During the middle of the night, Mr. Torgue decided to make his way to the treehouse, hitting the door with excessive force.
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE! I NEED TO SPEAK WITH YOU!" He managed to punch through the door, lodging his arm inside and launching splinters everywhere.
"Okay! Okay! I'm opening the door!"
The door glowed a bright purple before it swung open, pulling Mr. Torgue with it and throwing him onto the floor.
"F*CK! MY NOSE!"
Twilight looked down and groaned. "Mr. Torgue, it's eleven at night right now. What do you even want? I still need to send reports about the ridiculous events that occurred over the past two days to Princess Celestia, but right now I only have eight pages! Not to mention we still need to comb through the town and deal with the changeling problem, AND I'm behind with–"
Mr. Torgue lifted his head off the ground. "WHY SEND A REPORT WHEN I CAN JUST F*CKING BRING YOU THERE RIGHT NOW? YOUR WORDS IN REAL LIFE WILL ALWAYS BE MORE POWERFUL THAN YOUR MEAGER EIGHT PAGES. OR WHATEVER AMOUNT OF PAGES YOU PLANNED TO WRITE."
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Wait what? You can do that?"
"I'VE GOT BOMBS AWAY WITH ME RIGHT NOW! WE CAN BE THERE IN 10 MINUTES FLAT! OH SH*T I THINK MY WRIST IS BLEEDING." He got up and yanked his arm out of the door, making an even bigger hole. "NOPE, IT'S JUST A SCRATCH."
"Really? That'd be great! Thanks! But I have to ask, what did you need to talk to me about in the first place? You're being really disruptive. And loud, in fact, I'm going to have to ask you to quiet down since Spike is sleeping right now."
"I NEED TO KNOW WHERE RAINBOW DASH LIVES, AND I NEED A MAP OF CANTERLOT CASTLE."
Twilight groaned and cast a large purple bubble around the two of them. "Uh, why? I'm kinda concerned about what you might do if I gave you that information..."
"I WISH TO ENGAGE IN SOME TOMFOOLERY INVOLVING YOUR MAJESTY'S TOILET, A LAND MINE, AND RAINBOW DASH BECAUSE REASONS. I'LL LET YOU IN ON MORE DETAILS IF YOU'LL HELP ME. OTHERWISE, I'M JUST GOING TO GET DRUNK WITH PINKIE PIE AND IRON WILL OR SOMETHING." Mr. Torgue then pulled out a bottle of cider and popped the cap off with his thumb. "BY THE WAY, CAN I JUST SAY THAT THE ALCOHOL HERE IS ABSOLUTELY F*CKING AMAZING?! GETTING WASTED AS SH*T HAS NEVER TASTED THIS GOOD!"
Twilight quickly shut Mr. Torgue's mouth with telekinesis. "Okay, I'd rather not want to have to deal with you being drunk in the middle of the night, Celestia knows what you would do; so I'm going to come along and make sure you don't do anything ridiculously dangerous to the Princess. I mean it Torgue, this is serious–"
Mr. Torgue grabbed Twilight's horn, releasing his lips and the bubble. "THAT'S MR. TORGUE TO YOU!"
Twilight sighed. "You know, if you just told everypony your first name then the whole honorific issue would be nonexistent. Besides, we're friends here, how come you don't just tell us your first name?"
He let go of her horn so he could flail his arms in exasperation, spilling cider everywhere. "BUT THAT IS MY FIRST NAME!"
Twilight quickly brought the bubble back up. "Mr. Torgue is your first name? Are you sure? Or is this a normal thing back in your world?"
"IT'S NOT. I JUST HAVE WEIRD PARENTS. I COME FROM THE FLEXINGTON FAMILY, A BUNCH OF F*CKING RETARDED MUSCLE HEADS WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO ANYTHING BUT LIFT WEIGHTS AND POOP PROTEIN." Mr. Torgue flexed his gigantic arms. "I MEAN LOOK AT THIS SH*T. I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TRY TO BE BUFF. THAT'S WHY I SPEND THE MAJORITY OF MY TIME BEING PRODUCTIVE AND LEARNING WITH SCIENCE! SPEAKING OF PROTEIN, I COULD GO FOR SOME RIGHT NOW! SO LET'S GET GOING ALREADY!"
"I have some beans in the kitchen if you're looking for protein right now. Do you want soy? Or maybe something like pistachios?" Twilight turned around and trotted towards the back.
Mr. Torgue followed behind her. "SURE! THOUGH I WOULD MUCH RATHER PREFER SOME BACON, EGGS, AND BEEF, I DON'T THINK PONIES WOULD HAVE THOSE CONSUMABLES IN THEIR HOMES UNLESS THEY WERE F*CKING PSYCHOPATHS." He quickly chugged down the rest of the cider and immediately burped.
"Well we have eggs, but I don't know what those other things are." Twilight grabbed a bag from a cabinet before turning around and handing it to Mr. Torgue.
"BACON IS CURED PIG MEAT AND BEEF IS COW MEAT." Mr. Torgue opened the bag and threw a handful of nuts into his mouth.
Twilight stopped. "WAIT WHAT?! You eat meat???"
"YEAH, BUT DON'T WORRY, I'M NOT GOING TO EAT ANY PONIES OR ANYTHING," Mr. Torgue said while chewing loudly. "YOU ALL ARE WAY TOO F*CKING COLORFUL AND ADORABLE. OH WAIT A SEC, THESE ARE PISTACHIOS, NO WONDER THEY WERE SO HARD TO CHEW. AH F*CK IT, I'M TOO LAZY TO CRACK THEM OPEN." He held the bag over his head and poured the contents into his mouth, making loud crunching noises.
Twilight began backing away. "That's, uh... fascinating! And really unsettling..."
"HEY! DON'T BE SCARED GOD-DAMNIT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD I EAT A SENTIENT BEING THAT'S CAPABLE OF DEDUCTIVE REASONING PLUS HIGHLY INTELLIGENT THOUGHT PROCESSES THAT ENABLE IT TO POSSESS A SOPHISTICATED LANGUAGE AND EXCEPTIONALLY COMPLEX SOCIAL STRUCTURE?! BESIDES, I DON'T EVEN HAVE CLAWS!" Mr. Torgue began clawing away at a nearby wall to no avail. "F*CK THIS SH*T, A REAL MAN PUNCHES HIS PROBLEMS!!!"
Twilight shrunk the bubble, blocking Mr. Torgue so that he wouldn't punch a hole into her library. "Mr. Torgue, I'm starting to think that you need a psychological evaluation if you're eating meat, considering that you clearly aren't even a carnivore. You're crazy enough already, maybe even more so than Pinkie...'"
"ACTUALLY, I'M AN OMNIVORE. LOOK IN MY MOUTH! I HAVE CANINES IN THE CORNERS." He pulled his lips back excessively, revealing multiple gleaming white teeth.
Twilight furrowed her brow. "So you're a tall, bipedal, highly intelligent, mammal that's also an omnivore?! Ugh, you humans are so illogical!" She let out a frustrated groan. "You know what? First thing I'm going to do tomorrow morning is head straight to Lyra's place, maybe she wasn't talking about nonsense this whole time..."
"BUT THAT'S THE FUTURE! FOCUS ON THE PRESENT! WE NEED TO GET TO RAINBOW'S RESIDENCE ASAP!" He pulled out a digistruct cube and punched it before placing it on his back, forming a transparent blue outline of a jetpack immediately afterwards.
Twilight trotted towards the entrance. "Let's go then! There's so much I want to say to the princess before she goes to sleep, especially about your amazing digi–GAH!"
Mr. Torgue sprinted by Twilight and scooped her in his arm. "I SAID AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! THAT MEANS GOTTA GO FAST! GO! GO! GO!" The jetpack ignited as soon as he left the treehouse. "NOW LEAD ME TO RAINBOW DASH'S HOUSE!!!"
"Wait! You didn't tell me what you're going to do!"
"WHAT'S THAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF BADASS!"
After a few minutes of confusion and flying around, the two eventually managed to coordinate themselves and make their way to Rainbow Dash's cloud house. Mr. Torgue slowly flew towards the structure, still carrying Twilight, who was looking rather pale from the excursion.
"Please... no more... barrel rolls," Twilight gasped.
Mr. Torgue kicked a passing cloud. "HEY HOW THE F*CK ARE CLOUDS EVEN UTILIZED AS A STABLE FOUNDATION FOR A HOUSE?!"
Twilight took a few deep breaths before responding. "Pegasi can manipulate them as if they were any other pliable material. Plus, clouds are permeable, so pegasi also never really have to worry about a lack of water in their homes either."
"WAIT WHAT? SO TO THEM THIS SH*T'S SOLID?! NO FAIR! IT LOOKS COMFY AS F*CK! ALSO, WHERE THE F*CK IS THE DOOR? ALL I SEE ARE WINDOWS, COLUMNS, AND A F*CKTON OF RAINBOWS."
Twilight facehoofed. "Do you not see the one window that's bigger than the rest, lies at the lowest level and is clearly a door and not a window? Right in front of the house? At the end of the walkway? Use some common sense!"
"F*CK COMMON SENSE! IT'S ALL ABOUT LOGIC!!!" Mr. Torgue powered "BOMBS AWAY" and flew directly towards the house, one arm extended into a fist. "AND ACCORDING TO MY LOGIC, IT'S REASONABLY FASTER TO FLY STRAIGHT INTO HER HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND SCARE THE SH*T OUTTA HER!"
"Stop! How the hay do you think this is a good idea???"
"I NEVER F*CKING SAID IT WAS!!!"
WHAM!
Mr. Torgue managed to inconveniently hit Rainbow Dash in middle of her nightly reading session, launching her into nearby furniture while sending cloud bits and feathers everywhere.
"GAH! What the buck?!" Rainbow slowly got up, clutching her head and her Daring Do book. "Ugh, what the... Mr. Torgue??? What the hay was that for?! You just messed up my whole room!" She moved aside some Wonderbolt posters and picked up a Soarin figurine, carefully examining it. "Oh thank Celestia this isn't damaged. Not cool dude, I have a door you know. Could've thought about using that instead of trashing all my stuff."
"CONSIDER IT PAYBACK FOR ALL THE TIMES YOU'VE CAUSED PROPERTY DAMAGE TO TWILIGHT SPARKLE." He held the aforementioned mare up in front of him. "SPEAKING OF WHICH, I HAVE HER RIGHT HERE!"
Rainbow's eyes widened. "WHOA WHOA WHOA! DON'T DROP HER–"
"Don't worry, he knows," Twilight deadpanned.
"ANYWAYS, RAINBOW, I NEED TO ASK YOU, DO YOU LIKE PRACTICAL JOKES?"
Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "Is that what this is? Cause this was less like a joke and more like a really lame surprise attack."
"JUST ANSWER THE F*CKING QUESTION," Mr. Torgue spat.
"Yeah, I normally do what they don't suck total flank like this one," Rainbow snarled.
"CAUSE THIS WASN'T A F*CKING PRANK! THIS WAS JUST ME BEING TOO GODDAMN LAZY TO LOCATE AND UTILIZE THE DOOR!"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Look, he wants to ask if you'll join him on a prank he plans to do on the princess, which he still hasn't even explained to me yet so I can't even advise against it." She glared at Mr. Torgue.
"Oh Celestia, you're not going to just run up to her and blow her up are you? That would be a really lame prank," Rainbow remarked.
"NOPE!" Mr. Torgue pulled a strange circular device out of his pocket. "I PLAN TO INSERT THIS LAND MINE UNDERNEATH THE BASIN OF THE ROYAL POOP TUBE, SO WHEN SHE GOES IN TO TAKE A SH*T, IT'S GONNA SET THIS THING OFF AND WE ALL LAUGH OUR ASSES OFF!"
Rainbow pointed a hoof at the mine. "What the hay is that? Is it just another thing of yours that explodes into a million more explosions?"
"THIS IS A LAND MINE, WHICH IS A PRESSURE ACTIVATED EXPLOSIVE WEAPON UTILIZED AS A TRAP, BUT I'VE MESSED AROUND WITH THIS ONE TO ONLY DESTROY THE TOILET AND DIGISTRUCT CHOCOLATE F*CKING EVERYWHERE. PLUS WHEN THAT HAPPENS, THE BATHROOM WILL HOPEFULLY FLOOD, SO THERE'S GONNA BE CHOCOLATE AND WATER EVERYWHERE!"
Twilight grimaced. "So you're saying that when Princess Celestia sits down on her toilet, the land mine will set off, destroying the toilet and allowing the pipeage to burst, causing the bathroom to flood while the device spawns chocolate everywhere? That's absolutely revolting!"
"NOT WHEN SHE SITS DOWN, BUT WHEN THE TOILET FLUSHES CAUSE I F*CKED AROUND WITH THIS THING AND MADE SURE THAT IT WOULD ONLY GO OFF FROM THE PRESSURE CAUSED BY FLUSHING TOILET WATER DOWN THE POOP CHUTE. THIS IS TO MAKE HER THINK THAT HER POOP IS F*CKING EVERYWHERE! BESIDES, I DON'T WANT TO BLOW UP THE TOILET BEFORE SHE TAKES THE SH*T, THAT WOULD JUST BE MEAN AS F*CK. TO ENSURE THAT THE ROYAL TOILET ROOM STAYS CLEAN, I WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO SPILLED FECES ANYWHERE BECAUSE SH*T IS JUST GODDAMN NASTY. HECK, THIS MAKES ME WONDER HOW THE F*CK PLUMBERS PUT UP WITH THAT SH*T! PLUMBERS DESERVE THEIR OWN APPRECIATION DAY!!!"
Rainbow began laughing aloud. "That actually sounds freaking hilarious! I'm totally in for that!"
"Uuuuuugh, this is such a bad idea..." Twilight groaned. "I'm also pretty sure that 's-h-something-t' word means feces."
"BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!" Mr. Torgue put the mine back in his pocket and pulled out another device, this one in the shape of an egg. "JUST FOR THE SH*T'S AND GIGGLES, WE'RE ALSO GOING TO PUT THIS CHICKEN SPAWNER IN THE QUEEN'S BEDROOM, AND SYNC IT UP WITH THE MINE SO THAT WHEN IT GOES OFF, THERE'S GOING TO BE A F*CK TON OF CHICKENS RUNNING AROUND IN HER ROOM FOR NO GODDAMN REASON WHATSOEVER! ABSOLUTE PANDEMONIUM!!!"
Twilight looked up with a confused expression at Mr. Torgue. "Wait, the Queen? What are you talking about? We don't have a queen."
The chicken spawner suddenly exploded as Mr. Torgue glared at Twilight. "WAIT WHAT? WHY THE F*CK ARE THERE TWO PRINCESSES IF THERE ISN'T A QUEEN?! WHAT KIND OF F*CKED UP SOCIETY DO YOU LIVE IN???"
Twilight put a hoof to her chin. "Now that I think about it, Princess Celestia never actually told me anything about her parents other than 'they're not here' when I was a filly. Though, the term 'queen' is usually a more derogatory term for a female ruler, and not just a term for the mother of a princess. I should ask her about that again at some point. Not today though, since I might be asking about something rude at an inconvenient time."
"THEN ISN'T THE TITLE OF 'PRINCESS' ABSOLUTE BULLSH*T THEN?! I DEMAND A REVOLUTION TO CORRECT THIS IMMEDIATELY IF THE RULING POWER IS THIS F*CKING DISORGANIZED! UNLESS THE KING AND QUEEN ARE ACTUALLY STILL ALIVE, WHICH IN THAT CASE, I SUGGEST THAT WE CAUSE A RIOT ANYWAYS SO THAT THE ROYALTY ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO!"
"How would you even do that? Don't tell me you have something that can mind control everypony or whatever," Rainbow said.
"I DUNNO, HOW ABOUT WE JUST SLAP SOME WINGS ONTO TWILIGHT AND CALL HER A PRINCESS? THAT OUTTA PISS EVERYBODY THE F*CK OFF."
Twilight groaned loudly. "Okay, at this point you're not even making any rationally thought out statements at all are you?"
Mr. Torgue raised an arm in exasperation. "HOW IS THAT STATEMENT NOT RATIONAL? IF THE PRINCESS'S PRIZED PROTEGE STUDENT SUDDENLY BECOMES A PRINCESS JUST BECAUSE SHE GOT WINGS, THEN SOCIETY WILL QUESTION THE EXACT DEFINITION OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BECOME A PRINCESS. DO ACTUAL LEADERSHIP SKILLZ MATTER, OR IS BEING A FLYING UNICORN MORE GODDAMN F*CKING IMPORTANT? NO OFFENSE TWILIGHT, BUT YOU'RE BASICALLY A REALLY NERDY EGGHEAD WHO HAS ONLY JUST RECENTLY OBTAINED SOCIAL PROWESS, THUS, I DO NOT FORESEE YOU BECOMING A PRINCESS IN THE NEAR FUTURE. DO YOU NOW UNDERSTAND THE CONCOMITANCE OF IDEAS THAT RESIDE INSIDE MY BRAIN???" He tapped his head to demonstrate his point.
"Look, can we just go see the princess already? We're wasting time here and Rainbow already agreed to your stupid prank," Twilight deadpanned.
"Yeah! Let's get going already! Princess Celestia's bathroom isn't going to flood itself! Oh, and you better help me clean this mess up when we get back." Rainbow gestured around her. "Cleaning all this up is gonna take a long time, not to mention you wrecked all my collectibles too."
"Well how do you think I feel when you dive right into my library?! I have to clean everything up AND I have to re-shelve all the books! With all the sorting involved, that process can take a whole entire day to resolve even with Spike's help," Twilight griped.
"YEAH RAINBOW! BE MORE CONSIDERATE OF OTHERS. F*CKING D*CK." Mr. Torgue snapped his fingers as a digistruct scanner came to life in his pants. The entire room slowly disintegrated as everything suddenly reformed itself into a more cleanly and organized state. "AT LEAST I THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY RETARDED AND OR STUPID ACTIONS."
"Okay! Jeez! No need to be such a flank about it, considering that this is coming from one of the most loudest, random dudes I've ever met," Rainbow retorted.
"THAT BEING SAID, LET'S GO ALREADY! I'LL RACE YOU THERE RAINBOW!" He blasted straight through one of the cloud walls as Twilight loudly shrieked.
"Hey wait! I can't fly through my house like you guys can!"
"F********CK! TOO MUCH RAINBOW FOR MY EYES!!!"
Rainbow had just flew by Mr. Torgue and Twilight, performing a sonic rainboom along the way and resplendently lighting up the night sky, blinding the two of them. Unfortunately, this sent Mr. Torgue flying out of control, causing him to spiral around in random directions.
"Aaaaaaah!!!" shrieked Twilight.
"I BLAME THESE FAKE SUNGLASSES THAT LOOK LIKE SUNGLASSES BUT DON'T ACTUALLY PROVIDE PROTECTION FROM LIGHT!!!"
"What's going on??? Why are we spinning so much?!?!"
"HOW THE F*CK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHEN I CAN'T SEE SH*T?!"
Twilight's horn brightly lit up. "I'll cast a bubble around us in case we crash!"
"GOOD IDEAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
The two of them barreled through a window, sending shards of glass throughout and unceremoniously landing in the middle of a dark and cluttered, but spacious room. It was filled with dim sources of light throughout its large space, giving the room a sort of nightclub feel.
As they got to their feet, a loud shriek emanated from the corner.
"OH SH*T I AM SORRY ABOUT THIS WHOEVER YOU ARE IN THE ROOM. THIS CRASH LANDING WAS COMPLETELY UNINTENTIONAL!"
"And just who do you think you are, intruding into a princess's personal bedroom?!?!"
Twilight immediately recognized the voice. "Wait, Princess Luna?"
"Twilight Sparkle?" The tip of Luna's horn lit up in the corner, revealing her lounging behind a computer. "Oh, my apologies, is this how ponies enter royal domains in our modern times? That was quite a splendid entrance if I do say so myself."
Mr. Torgue began brushing some glass shards off himself. "YOU CALL THAT SPLENDID? ALL I DID WAS BLINDLY FLAIL AROUND BEFORE SMASHING THROUGH YOUR WINDOW. I'D GIVE THAT CRASH LANDING A ZERO OUTTA TEN, WOULD NOT PERFORM AGAIN."
"Twilight Sparkle, would you mind introducing your guest? I'm afraid I don't recognize him." Luna pointed her horn's light onto her visitors, illuminating them as she got up and approached the bipedal hulk.
"NO NEED FOR THAT MA'AM. I'M MISTER TORGUE FLEXINGTON, FOUNDER OF MOTHERF*CKING TORGUE MUNITIONS. IT IS NICE TO MEET YOU!" He stuck out an arm in greeting.
Luna looked up at Mr. Torgue in confusion before she extended a foreleg and allowed Mr. Torgue to shake it. "Greetings to you too sir. Though I must inquire, has the traditional regal voice regained favor among the populace? You would appear to be yelling in quite the voluminous manner, perhaps even louder than I. Is this a cultural aspect belonging to you and your fellow minotaurs?"
"Wait, he's not a minotaur," Twilight responded.
"LADY, DO YOU SEE ANY HORNS STICKING OUT OF MY SKULL?"
Luna glanced upwards towards Mr. Torgue's head and chuckled. "Ah, pardon me, I seem to have been mistaken. In that case, would you mind enlightening me as to what you are? I'm rather curious."
Mr. Torgue squatted and stuck out his chest, curling his arms over his shoulders. "I AM A MAN! AND A GODDAMN F*CKING MANLY MAN AT THAT! SO YOU WEREN'T TOO FAR OFF WITH THE MINOTAUR GUESS. I DON'T KNOW HOW THE HELL YOU CAME UP WITH THAT SH*TTY HYPOTHESIS THOUGH, CAUSE I DON'T HAVE HORNS OR HOOVES. FEET ARE JUST SO MUCH BETTER, NOT TO MENTION THAT I GET TO BREAK DANCE AND SH*T CAUSE MY LEGS AREN'T BENT BACKWARDS! GOD BLESS MY BIOLOGICAL COMPOSITION!"
"He's a human," Twilight deadpanned.
Luna raised an eyebrow. "Is that some sort of new species that has come to fruition during my absence? I'm afraid I've never heard of them."
"Actually, he mysteriously showed up with Pinkie yesterday morning I think. Nopony knows how, and he somehow possesses an adequate understanding of Equestria even though he apparently came from an alien world." Twilight raised a hoof in explanation. "We came here hoping your sister could provide some answers."
"NO, THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE. GET YOU'RE F*CKING FACTS STRAIGHT DIPSH*T. AS FOR WHY ME AND RAINBOW ARE HERE, WE'RE–" Mr. Torgue abruptly turned around. "OH SH*T WHERE THE F*CK IS THE FLYING RAINBOW HORSEY?!"
Twilight facehoofed. "Knowing her, she's probably hovering above Celestia's tower, waiting for us to show up so she can gloat about how much faster she is."
"IS THAT SO? WELL I'LL HAVE HER KNOW THAT SHE'S AN ASSHAT FOR THINKING LIKE THAT! I'M WAY FASTER THAN HER WHEN IM ON PSYCHOACTIVE DRUGS, AND PINKIE'S WAY FASTER THAN ALL OF US! MY VERY EXISTENCE IN THIS UNIVERSE IS PROOF OF HER INTERDIMENSIONAL TRAVELING CAPABILITIES." Mr. Torgue pulled out a needle from his butt pocket and stabbed his arm. "I'M NOT SURE WHAT THIS IS BUT IM PRETTY SURE IT HAS A BIT OF ADRENALINE, HEROIN, STEROIDS, WHITE BLOOD CELLS, JELLYFISH DNA, ECSTASY, AND GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE! THIS IS ALL DESIGNED TO BE VOMITED IN A MATTER OF MINUTES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! I DO NOT ENDORSE THIS STRANGE AND DETRIMENTAL PRODUCT!!!"
Mr. Torgue wildly flailed his arms about before he ran towards the window in about two steps, attempting to jump through it but instead running straight through the wall. The tell tale sounds of screaming and explosions followed afterwards.
Luna shrieked in terror as she ran towards her bedroom's destroyed wall. "What in Equestria is wrong with him?!?! Just... WHY???"
Twilight groaned loudly as she trotted towards the obliterated wall. "I know this sounds ridiculous, but believe me when I say he's done worse. He honestly makes Pinkie Pie seem tame..."
The two of them peered out of the massive hole and saw a figure flying through the air, seemingly propelling itself between castle structures and mountainsides through use of massive explosions.
Luna's right eye twitched. "Tell me Sparkle. Are there more of his kind to come in the near future?"
"None as far as I'm aware, though that may change depending on what Pinkie Pie decides," replied Twilight.
"RAINBOW DASH! YOU MOTHERF*CKING CHEATED! NO BLINDING THE OPPONENT WITH BIG ASS RAINBOW EXPLOSIONS THAT DETONATE FROM YOUR BUTT!"
"Hey! What are you doing?! Let go of me you big jerk! Ow! How are you even–"
Twilight's jaw dropped as she gazed off into the distance in utter disbelief. "Is he... No... That's impossible. There's no way that can work..."
Off in the distance, it appeared that Mr. Torgue was hanging below Rainbow, holding onto her wings and flapping them rapidly to move both of them around.
"STOP RESISTING THE HUMMINGBIRD TECHNIQUE! WE WILL FLY BETTER IF YOU LET ME FLAP! OUCH! MOTHERF*CKER STOP KICKING MY FACE"
"Cut it out! You're gonna break my wings!"
"THEN STOP MOVING YOUR WINGS AGAINST ME SO THEY DON'T GET BENT DIPSH*T!"
"Fine then! Here, are you happy now you dumb–GAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Another rainbow ring hastily expanded and illuminated Luna's sky once more as Twilight and Luna shielded their eyes from the light. When the light faded, they gazed upwards and saw Mr. Torgue steadily flapping Rainbow's wings as the two of them floated through the wall hole.
"I HAVE RETURNED WITH THE PERPETRATOR!"
With dinner plate eyes, Twilight stared at the duo floating in the room before turning back to Luna. "Please tell me you're seeing this and that I'm not going crazy."
Luna continued to blankly stare at the duo. "Twilight Sparkle. I fear for your sanity should you continue to associate with him and Pinkie Pie."
Rainbow rolled her eyes. "Ugh, I'm not even gonna ask how you did that... Hey, can you let go of me now? I'd rather fly on my own y'know."
"NEVER! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA–*COUGH*–HAHAHA–*COUGH*–GODDAMNIT–*COUGH*–OWWW! MY SMALL INTESTINE IS FEELING ABNORMAL!!!" Mr. Torgue finally let go and dashed towards the hole in the wall as Luna and Twilight hurriedly got out of his way. He began to lean over the cliffside, making distinct hurling noises.
Rainbow shrunk back with an appalled expression. "Ahhh! Dude! Gross!"
"I don't even want to know anything about that particular steroid," groused Twilight.
Luna grabbed Twilight, clearly exasperated. "Twilight Sparkle. For the love of all that is fair in Equestria, get him out of our world the instant he is done with his business, do you hear???"
Twilight's eyes widened. "I don't know how! Pinkie was the one who brought him here, and she's just as random as him but a lot less destructive!"
Luna's bedroom door suddenly opened as a lunar guard walked in. "Luna! The Borderlands 2 GOTY just came out! We need to play this game pronto–" He stopped as soon as he noticed Mr. Torgue and the hole in the wall, his face in utter disbelief. "HOLY CELESTIA IT'S MR. TORGUE! BUT-BUT... HOW?!?!"
Luna stared back at the guard with a similar but angrier expression. "What?! You know of this creature?!?!"
Mr. Torgue finally settled down as he stood straight up and turned around. "WHY ARE THERE SO MANY RANDOM PEOPLE IN PRINCESS LUNA'S ROOM? WE'RE GONNA ATTRACT A TON OF UNWANTED ATTENTION, AND WE WON'T BE ABLE TO FLOOD THE BATHROOM!"
"Too late for that now, we kind of just set off two sonic rainbooms, decimated a wall and a window, and to top it all off, made enough noise to probably awake the whole of Canterlot. Actually, that was pretty much all you Mr. Torgue, and a stealth mission approach doesn't usually involve shouting at the top of our lungs while blowing everything up," retorted Twilight.
"YES IT CAN! IF A GUY RAN AROUND A BASE BLOWING EVERYTHING TO SMITHEREENS, HE WOULD CONFUSE THE F*CK OUTTA EVERYONE IN THERE AND MAKE THEM THINK THEY'RE BEING ASSAULTED WHEN IT'S REALLY JUST ONE F*CKTARD WHO'S STILL UNDETECTED IN ALL THE ENSUING CHAOS. THAT PLAN WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY FLAWLESS!"
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "If that were the case, wouldn't it be more effective to actually assault the base of operations?"
Mr. Torgue pointed behind him. "LOOK OUTSIDE! THERE'S TONS OF BAT PONY THINGS FLYING AROUND THE MOUNTAINSIDE RIGHT NOW. HOLY D*CK F*CK I MADE A TON OF CRATERS! NO WONDER THEY HAVEN'T NOTICED THE GIANT HOLE IN THE CASTLE TOWER. AS YOU CAN SEE, THEY ARE CLEARLY DISTRACTED FROM MY GENIUS–NO WAIT, NEVER MIND, I THINK THEY HEARD ME AND NOW THEY'RE LOOKING AT ME FUNNY."
"Luna, what the hay is going on??? Why is Mr. Torgue real?!" exclaimed the guard.
"How should I know???" shouted Luna.
"HOLY SH*T WE'RE BEING SWARMED BY VAMPIRE AND OR BAT PONIES! AWESOME!!!"
Twilight gaped at him. "WHAT?!?! How in Equestria is that supposed to be awesome??? We'll all be incredibly lucky if we somehow manage to get out of this without any repercussions!" Twilight turned around and rapidly bowed in front of Luna. "I'm so sorry! Please forgive us for causing all this trouble and disturbing the Night Guard!"
"BUT IT IS A WELL KNOWN FACT THAT FIGHTING A HORDE OF VAMPIRE PONIES IS INFINITELY MORE MANLIER THAN FIGHTING NORMAL VAMPIRES, BECAUSE NORMAL VAMPIRES ARE A BUNCH OF HOMOSEXUAL, PRETENTIOUS PEDOPHILES!" Mr. Torgue drew his POCKET ROCKET from a crotch pocket as he shoved an enormous, suggestive bullet into the barrel of the gun before pointing it outside. "THAT ISN'T TO SAY THAT BEING HOMOSEXUAL CAN'T BE MANLY THOUGH I DON'T CLAIM MYSELF AS BEING SO!!!"
Rainbow immediately tackled Mr. Torgue away from the hole in the wall. "STOP!!! What the hay makes you think that killing the princess's guards is a good idea?!"
Mr. Torgue stumbled back, attempting to pry Rainbow off himself. "I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT THERE IS A DISTINCT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FIGHTING AND KILLING, THOUGH I DON'T BLAME YOU CONSIDERING HOW CLOSELY RELATED THE TWO OF THEM ARE."
Meanwhile, the guard in the back was rolling around on the floor, clutching his sides. "Ahahaha!!! Sweet Luna, this is way too good to be true!"
"Cease thy insolent laughing and explain to your princess the matter at hoof at once!" bellowed Luna.
The guard wiped a tear from his eye and picked up the case he dropped. "There is no matter here! Luna, for the love of all that is good just let all this go and play Borderlands 2 like, right now. I PROMISE you won't regret it."
The squadron of guards finally made their way to the hole in the wall, fangs bared and wrist-blades drawn.
"Your Highness! Are you alright?"
"Echowave! What's going on here? Why are you with the princess?"
"RAINBOW DASH, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE HANDS! GIVE MY BACK MY F*CKING GUN BEFORE YOUR SALIVA DAMAGES THE CUSTOM PAINT JOB THAT I SPENT MINUTES WORKING ON! MINUTES I TELL YOU!!!"
Everypony turned to look in the corner of the room, where Rainbow was desperately trying to fly away from Mr. Torgue, who was jumping off any immediate structures in the room in an attempt to catch her.
One of the guard’s jaw dropped. “Oh my Celestia. It’s Mr. Torgue. WHAT THE HELL–“
“No way. NO FREAKING WAY! HOW IN THE–“ Another guard turned towards Luna. “–HOW DID HE GET HERE???”
Luna fell back and clutched her head with her hooves. “WHY DOES EVERYPONY KNOW WHO HE IS??? WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?!?!”
Rainbow spat the pistol into her hoof. “I’m not going to give you back your gun you overgrown monkey! You were just trying to shoot Luna’s guards! You know how much trouble that would get you in???”
“DOES IT STILL GET ME IN TROUBLE IF I HAVE ENOUGH DRUGS IN MY PANTS TO LEAVE ME INTOXICATED FOR WEEKS?” shouted Mr. Torgue as he somehow jumped off a light fixture on the wall, barely missing Rainbow’s tail.
“What in tartarus are you even saying right now???” exclaimed Rainbow.
"THAT DRUGS OBVIATE THE NEED TO CARE ABOUT THE PHYSICAL REPERCUSSIONS OF FIGHTING!"
Rainbow narrowly ducked under a swipe. "What does that even mean? Do you even hear what you're saying right now?!"
"THAT MODERN MEDICINE IS F*CKING AWESOME?"
The two were suddenly engulfed in a sparkling purple aura, frozen in midair.
"Okay, that's enough! I'm pretty sure we've overstayed out welcome here guys, Mr. Torgue, you're going to fix everything and apologize to the Princess so that we can stop being a bother and see Princess Celestia already," Twilight demanded with a stern look.
"Indeed Mr. Torgue! I must say, you are especially rude as a guest who invited himself into a princess's personal bedroom," added Luna.
“TWILIGHT, WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU EVEN SAYING RIGHT NOW? FIRST OF ALL, WE DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF HERE SINCE WE CAME IN THROUGH THE GODDAMN WINDOW, AND SECONDLY, I CAN'T FIX SH*T IF I DON'T HAVE A BLUEPRINT OF SOMETHING TO DIGISTRUCT INTO REALITY. ALSO, I ALREADY APOLOGIZED TO THE PRINCESS, IT'S THE FIRST GODDAMN THING I DID WHEN WE CRASHED INTO HER ROOM!”
The guards by the hole in the wall burst out laughing, clutching their sides.
Twilight looked absolutely flabbergasted. "How are you even talking through the restraining spell?!"
"HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? YOU'RE THE ONE DOING THE MAGIC," retorted Mr. Torgue.
"I do believe we've already established that he doesn't exactly follow the rules of physics. Or reality it would seem," said Luna.
Twilight groaned loudly. "Never mind... Let's just go see Celestia already before she goes to bed. And don't worry about me getting lost, I've lived here for most of my life."
"NOW HOLD ON A MINUTE. I HAVE A FAN BASE TO PLEASE HERE! HEY BAT PONIES! YOU GUYS ARE F*CKING BADASS! OKAY, NOW WE CAN GO."
The guards by the hole were now rolling about on the floor as they hysterically laughed.
"Wait!!!" Echowave, the first guard that walked in, hopped in front of the door, barring the way out. "Mr. Torgue, can you promise to come back here once the Princess has played through your game? I have no idea how you got here or why, but please for the love of Celestia can you do this one thing for us? That is, if you're staying here long enough to do so?"
Another guard chipped in. "Holy Celestia, yes, please do! That would make my day dude."
Mr. Torgue raised his hand to his chin, rubbing it thoughtfully. "WELL SURE, WHY THE F*CK NOT? I ACTUALLY HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO GET BACK HOME ANYWAYS SINCE PINKIE PIE KINDA JUST DRAGGED ME HERE FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION, SO I'M JUST F*CKING AROUND HERE UNTIL I GET BORED AND FIGURE OUT A WAY BACK. BUT HOW THE HELL WILL I KNOW THAT THE PRINCESS HAS FINISHED PLAYING THIS GAME FEATURING ME THAT YOU SPEAK OF?"
Twilight wrinkled her brow in annoyance. "Now you're moving your arm too?!"
Echowave gazed upwards in contemplation. "Uhh... Well, I guess I'll send a letter to you? I'm assuming you're in Ponyville at the moment if you're with them right?" He gestured towards Twilight and Rainbow.
"WAIT A MINUTE, I HAVE AN IDEA!" Mr. Torgue pulled out the land-mine chocolate spawner and a sharpie, jotting something down on the device. "JUST FOLLOW THE SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS I WROTE DOWN AND MAKE SURE TO DO IT ONCE THE PRINCESS HAS FINISHED THE GAME. ALSO–" Mr. Torgue took out a small disc and threw both objects towards Echowave. "–BE SURE TO SLAP THAT DISC THINGY ONTO THE WALL CAUSE IT'S ACTUALLY A CAMOUFLAGED CAMERA! IT CHANGES COLOR TO SUIT ITS ENVIRONMENT, SO I GET TO CALL IT A CAMO-CAM!"
Echowave glanced over Mr. Torgue's messy writing on the mine. "What. Why do you want me to put this... well, in there?"
"JUST DO IT! I SWEAR TO GOD IT WILL BE FUNNY AS SH*T."
Echowave shrugged. "If you say so."
"OH I SAID SO ALRIGHT! DON'T WORRY, I'LL KNOW WHEN YOU DO IT, AND WHEN IT HAPPENS I'LL HEAD OVER HERE ASAP! HELL, MAYBE I SHOULD PLAY THAT BURGERLANDS GAME YOU GUYS KEEP TALKING ABOUT IF IT HAS ME IN IT! THE GAME SEEMS EITHER INCREDIBLY FUN OR CREEPY DEPENDING ON HOW I AM PORTRAYED."
Mr. Torgue proceeded to grab Twilight's horn, causing it to fizzle out and release him and Rainbow.
"Hey!" exclaimed Twilight.
"YOU WERE SUFFOCATING THE RAINBOW HORSEY." Mr. Torgue caught Rainbow and fiercely shook her back and forth. "SPEAK TO ME RAINBOW! IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN BREATH NOW!"
Rainbow struggled to speak through Mr. Torgue's spastic shaking. "Agh! Da-ar-nit du-ude, sto-op sha-ay-king me!"
"SOMEBODY GET A MEDIC TO CHECK FOR BRAIN DAMAGE! SHE'S STARTING TO SPEAK INCOHERENTLY! THAT'S REALLY BAD!!!"
Rainbow leaned forward and bit Mr. Torgue's forearm.
"OUCH! MOTHERF*CKER–" Mr. Torgue let go and clutched his arm. "–YOU SEE THAT! SHE'S BECOMING RETARDED!"
Rainbow coughed a few times and patted her chest. "What the hay were you doing?!?! I was asleep for Celestia's sake!"
"WAIT WHAT. HOW THE F*CK DO YOU FALL ASLEEP JUST LIKE THAT?!"
"Well, when it's this late at night and I can't move, then I'm pretty much just going to sleep," explained Rainbow.
"HUH. THAT SUGGESTS THAT YOU HAVE A VERY HEALTHY SLEEP CYCLE IF YOU CONSIDER THIS TO BE LATE AT NIGHT. I WOULD ENVY YOUR HEALTH HAD I NOT DISCOVERED HOW TO NULLIFY MY NEED TO SLEEP."
Rainbow yawned loudly and laid down. "Whatever, can we get going already? What are we even doing here?"
"Yes, let's go already! Unless you're going to somehow fix everything like usual, we should really get going." Twilight turned towards Luna and bowed. "Again, we're so sorry about this Princess. I'll see to it that Mr. Torgue here repays the damage he's done here." She turned and snuck a glare towards Mr. Torgue.
Echowave laughed. "No harm done! His mere existence is enough repayment if you ask me."
Luna glared at Echowave. "I believe I shall be the judge of that thank you very much."
A bright flash of light suddenly materialized by the doorway, leaving behind Princess Celestia herself, along with a few other guards.
Celestia wildly looked around the room, observing its state of dismay. "Sister! Are you alright? What happe–"
"HOLY SH*T YOU SCARED THE BEJESUS OUTTA ME! GODDAMN YOU ARE ONE BIGASS PONY!"
Twilight jumped in front of Mr. Torgue and bowed to her mentor. "Oh no. Oh nononono! Princess, I can explain! I'm so sorry about all of this! Please don't get mad, there was nothing I could–"
Celestia pleasantly smiled. "Oh hello Twilight! My apologies, I was worried my sister may have been in danger due to all the noise, but I see you've brought a new friend along to have some fun with her!" She pointed a hoof past her student. "I assume that you are Mr. Torgue? My greetings to you."
Luna's face became that of shock. "FUN?! Tia, this hooligan blundered through my window and proceeded to blow up my wall, and the mountainside! Also, how do YOU even know who he is?! WHAT AM I MISSING HERE???"
"And that, dear sister, is why you should read the reports that come in from our fair cities. It is to my understanding as well that both your wall and the mountainside are things that can easily be replaced. isn't that right, Mr. Torgue?" Celestia turned towards him, still wearing her calm smile.
"HOLY F*CK YOU'RE THE MOST BENEVOLENT SENTIENT BEING THAT I HAVE EVER MET BASED ON FIRST IMPRESSIONS! I DON'T EVEN CARE THAT YOU CALL YOURSELF A PRINCESS EVEN THOUGH THAT TITLE IS ABSOLUTE BULLSH*T, YOU ARE JUST SO F*CKING BADASS!"
Celestia closed her eyes and chuckled. "I'll take that as a yes."
Mr. Torgue apprehensively lifted an arm out. "CAN I TOUCH YOUR HAIR?"
"I'm sorry?" asked Celestia.
Twilight looked appalled. "What?! Why are you even asking the princess such a–
"YOUR MANE, IT'S SO F*CKING COOL! HOW DO I GET HAIR LIKE THAT?"
"You'd have to become an ethereal entity with massive amounts of arcane energy I'd suppose," Celestia responded.
"SO CAN I TOUCH IT?"
Celestia continued to graciously smile. "Go right ahead! Though I must admit I've never received such an odd request in all my years."
Twilight looked up in panic. "Princess don't! He's going to do something incredibly dumb–!"
Mr. Torgue delicately ran his fingers through Celestia's hair. "THIS IS SO SOFT! THANK YOU PRINCESS FOR BLESSING ME WITH SUCH A HEAVENLY FEELING."
Celestia giggled. "You're very welcome Mr. Torgue."
"WHELP, I'M DONE HERE. TWILIGHT, YOU CAN GO DO YOUR THING WITH THE PRINCESS NOW. CIAO EVERYBODY!" Mr. Torgue pulled out a grenade and ran towards the hole, puling the pin and diving out.
"Thank the heavens," Luna muttered under her breath.
"See you later Mr. Torgue!" The rest of the guards waved to him.
"WEEEEEEEEEE–"
His body almost immediately exploded, sending chunks of his body in all directions before they disintegrated into blue digital cubes.
Luna let out an ear piercing shriek. "Ewww!!! Ew! Ew! Ew! Did he just kill himself??? Why did he just... There's NO way he can still be alive after that!!!"
Celestia widened her eyes. "My goodness, that's certainly an... interesting way of saying goodbye."
Rainbow yawned as she stood up and pointed Mr. Torgue's POCKET ROCKET at her head with a wing. "Yeah, I'm done here too. G'night everypony."
Her head blew up as she pulled the trigger, her lifeless body falling to the ground before undergoing the same fate as Mr. Torgue's.
Luna put a hoof to her mouth and looked away before passing out on the floor. Everypony else stared at the body chunks, which were now completely fading into blue light. They then turned to look at Twilight, almost expecting her to do something similar.
Twilight loudly sighed. "I have a ton of explaining to do Princess..."
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From tvtropes:
"He makes comments about how he considers the Vault Hunters attractive, no matter the gender or their appearance. Word of God confirms that he's bisexual"
4116212 So he's technically right, he's not homosexual, he's bisexual.
BECAUSE YOU'RE DISORGANIZED AS SH*T
4116810
quickmeme.com/img/62/62f538b129e13afc6c7d9b9278b63f63f4c91e1f8fd1077c36e088039bf538f8.jpg
Borderlands logic, 'why bother running that far if killing myself would make the run shorter?'
also
THIS SH*T IS F*CKING AMAZING!!! I DEMAND MORE!!! MEEDLYMEEDLYMEEEEOW!!!
Oh god this is great. It may have been a year, but it is still as funny as ever.
wow finally at least I had faith with this story.
4117850 so true...
Gotta turn in mission next to respawn point?
*does a 360 off cliff, blows self up with rocket launcher halfway down*
Yayyyy......
*spawns at wrong station at other side of map*
F**K THE CONTRACT! YOU'RE IN TORGUE-LAND NOW, SUCKA!!! NOW GET YOUR A*S TO THE ARENA WHILE I PLAY YOU A SICK GUITAR SOLO!!!!!