Righteousness and Malevolence

by Luke Man 7394

A New Land, A New Beginning

A NEW LAND, A NEW BEGINNING

EQUESTRIA: 30 MINUTES EARLIER

[2nd person: Applejack]

Today seemed like a normal day in Equestria for you. The sun was shinning bright; the wind was nice and cool as it blew through your mane, there wasn't a single cloud in the sky. It's days like today that you've learned to cherish the most. You trot along, bucking tree after tree for their sweet delicious apples like you normally do. You reach the end of one row of apple trees when you hear a sounds in the distance, its sounds like moaning, very painful moaning. "Somepony must be in trouble!" You say aloud as you speed toward where you hear the painful noise. When you reach the site of the moaning, you slow to a halt, completely unsure of what you are seeing; a large creature you have never seen before. It appears to be in some kind of.....golden metal suit and what looks to be a sword and shield next to it. The metal is splattered with dark red paste, you realize what this paste is and begin to think about leaving this creature here, it might not be safe, plus it doesn't know you're here, its eyes are closed. You begin to back away slowly from this creature, trying to make sure to be a quite as you can but as you do so, you are stopped by a single word uttered from the creature, "H-help". You freezing, your mind racing with questions you don't have answers for, "What do ah do? Do ah leave it? What if it's friendly? What if it aint?"

After what felt like hours of debating with yourself, you've decided that the right thing to do is shelter and help treat the wounds of this creature. Using the amazing strength you have been blessed with when you were born. Fortunately you are one of the most athletic ponies in Equestria and you are able to carry this creature back to Sweet Apple Acres and you put it in the back of the barn for safe keeping, thankfully nopony saw you. You stare at the creature, it doesn't have hooves and it lacks a large coat of fur, no tail, and where your forehooves would be there are these long, fleshy, stick like things."What ever this thing is, it sure does creep me out, ah hope bringing it here wasn't a mistake, but I couldn't just leave it hurt out in the wild. Maybe ah should run over to Twilight's place, maybe she can explain what the hay this thing is." You start to leave the barn, you close the door and lock it so nobody can see the visitor you just brought.

You turn around, about to start off into town to talk to Twilight when suddenly "HOWDY BIG SIS!!". The sudden loud voice mixed with the anxiety of having a strange creature in the barn nearly made you jump out of your fur. "You look down and notice little Applebloom giving you a big 'ol smile at you, looking as cute as ever."Why are you lockin' the barn big sis?" she questions you with a confused look on her face.

"Uh....uh..." You mind racing, knowing you aren't a good liar, you try to come up with answer. "Ah got a wounded critter in there!" you rapidly say to your sister. "A was gunna go into town and talk to some people who could help it." Since this pretty much was the truth you give Applebloom a big smile, assuring her that everything is under control.

Fortunately, she believes you and leaves you with a big smile and a hearty "Okay!" as she trots along back inside the house.

"Phew!" you say aloud, but not loud enough for anypony to hear you. After the ordeal with Applebloom, you run off towards Ponyville in search of Twilight.

You run into town, some ponies here and there waving and saying "good afternoon" but you don't pay any attention to them. You finally reach the Library where Twilight made her home in Ponyville. You trot up to the door and knock a few times pleading that somepony is here. The door opens and Spike is standing in the doorway. "Hey ya AJ, what's up?" Spike asks you.

"Ah lot! Is Twilight here? I need to show her something." you ask urgently to the baby dragon.

"Yeah, she's upstairs looking through her books, as usual." As soon as you're informed that Twilight is here, you rocket past Spike and run upstairs. When you arrive in the second story of the tree home, you see Twilight looking though her books like Spike said, she looks up at you gives you a big smile.

"Hello Applejack! What brings you here?" said the lavender colored mare.

"Twilight! Ah need ya tah come tah Sweet apple Acres, ah got somethin tah show ya! It's mighty important!" You say to her in a serious tone. Twilight looks at you and makes a sad face. "I would but I need to catch up on my studies." she saidwith a frown.

"No! Twilight this is more important than books!" You say in a loud urgent voice. Twilight was very hesitant to believe you since books mean a lot to her, but knowing you wouldn't lie about something important, she closes her book, puts it away using her magic, nods her head and turns towards you.

"Very well then, let's go." You nod your head and start down the stairs. You begin to leave the Library and you overhear Spike ask Twilight something.

"Where ya going Twilight?" asked spike

Twilight responds "I'm going to go to Applejack's place for a while, could you clean up the place while I'm gone?". Spike lets out a smile, Twilight smiles back and you and her take off back to Sweet Apple Acres.

After a good amount of time walking back to Sweet Apple Acres, being bombarded by Twilight's questions, you finally reach home. "Alright Twah, I'm about to show you somethin' that ah really hope you can explain tah me." Twilight put a smug grin on her face, letting her ego get the better of her for a short time

"Don't worry AJ! I'll be able to answer any question you throw at me!" You give Twilight a worried look as you begin to open the barn door. You both trot along inside and show Twilight the "special visitor", Twilight's mouth agape, not believing in fact, not knowing what she is looking at.

"Any question huh? Well could you tell me what this is?" Almost as if the question bounced off of Twilight, she continues to stare at the creature completely dumbfounded. Twilight regains her awareness and tries to answer your question.

"I-I-I don't know", those three words send shivers up and down your spine. Twilight now asks you a question "Where did you find this thing?".

"It was out in the Apple orchard, ah was doing my normal routine, until ah hear something that sounds like somepony was in pain, ah ran over to see who it was and ah found this thing lying in the dirt moanin' and groanin', ah didn't want to have anything to do with this thing so ah was gunna leave and let somepony else deal with it but then ah heard a voice say "Help.". So ah decided that the right thing to do was to bring it here and rest up, ah couldn't let it stay out in the wild to get pounced bah somethin' nasty."

Twilight responds, "That was very noble of you Applejack."

You and your lavender friend continue to stare at the creature with interest and fear plastered on your faces, that's when you feel your entire body freeze, you notice that it begins to wake up. Its eyes slowly open. It stares at the both of you with a look of confusion and fear. You and Twilight stare awkwardly at the now awake creature and it stares back. Silence fills the barn, when It begins to raise its, what would be, right forehoof and waves at you both, as if it was saying "hello". You look over at Twilight, she looks at you. Simultaneously you both look back at the creature, then Twilight breaks the awkward silence, and speaks to the creature. "Hello" she says, "Um may I ask who *ahem* what are you?" The creature just continues to stare at the both of you, wide eyed and in silence.

Author's Note:

this was chapter was a little longer than i thought it was going to be and i hope you all like it!

please comment, rate what you think it deserves and let me know how it was and if there is anything i could to to improve!

again this is the first story I've written so any and all feedback would be appreciated!

thanks all! =D

Comments

[Alex Wadegrove]

DOn't rush it. Take your time filling the plot and in keeping the story interesting.

[Luke Man 7394]

1873396 im trying my best! this is literally the first story i have written that wasn't for a school assignment lol yeah there are going to be quite a few chapters down the road to really fill in the plot!

[Alex Wadegrove]

1873671 I'm sorry, I used the wrong term: what I meant to say was add some tension and whatnot to keep it interesting. Show, Don't Tell (refer to Sparklight's blog post for further information). Add a little more to the text, if you get my meaning.

[Luke Man 7394]

1873772 well tension is on the horizon i just wanted to explain how the main character (you) got into the predicament you're now in

[Kunnka-Kun]

The sun was shinning bright, the wind was nice and cool as it breezed through your mane, there wasn't a single cloud in the sky.

"Breezed" isn't the right word here and instead needs to be changed to "blew". You also may wish to use a coordinating conjunction to link your two independent clauses or a semicolon.

It's days like today that you learn to cherish the most.

Not an error per say, but not changing "learn" to the past tense makes it somewhat awkward.

You trot along, bucking tree after tree for there sweet, delicious apples, like you normally do.

Change "there" to "their". The commas around "delicious apples" is unneeded, because you only need to use commas for elements in a series if there's three or more.

When you reach the site of the moaning, you slow to a halt, completely unsure of what you are seeing. A large creature you have never seen before.

Replace the period after "seeing" with a semicolon.

You freezing, your mind racing with questions you don't have answers for

Change "freezing" into the present tense.

Using the amazing strength you have been blessed with when you were born, fortunately you are one of the most athletic ponies in Equestria, you are able to carry this creature back to Sweet Apple Acres and you put it in the back of the barn for safe keeping, it's a good thing nopony saw you.

Not an error, but just awkward sentence structure. You linked four independent clauses together. At most a sentence should have only two independent clauses linked by either a semicolon or a coordinating conjuction.

but i couldn't just leave it hurt out in the wild.

Capitalize "i"

you rapidly say to you sister.

Change "you" to your

as while she trots along back inside the house.

Either delete the "as" or the "while". Having them both renders the other redundant and makes it an improper sentence.

As soon as you know she's here,

Awkward phrasing, "know" needs to be changed into a correspond word that's in the past tense.

Twilight looks and you and makes a sad face.

Change "and" into "at".

"I would but I need to catch up on my studies." with a frown.

You need to put in "she said" after the quote otherwise it's an improper sentence.

but knowing You wouldn't lie about something important

Lowercase the "Y" in "You".

Twilight's mouth agape, not believe, in fact, not knowing what she is looking at.

Make "believe" in present tense, and get rid of the comma after "in fact".

Twilight regains herself awareness and tries to answer your question.

Either change "herself" into "her" or get rid of "awareness" all together.

Since this is your first story, I really have nothing to compare this to. All I can say is that you spam commas quite a bit. A sailor could drown in the amount of commas that this is flooded in! One of the things you need to work on is your sentence structure. Terrific writing uses a variety of compound, complex, and simple sentences to weave a story. Most of this is in complex structure, that is independent clauses glued together. While there's nothing wrong with using it, an overabundance can quickly make a story grow dull.

Don't let this daunt you. Your style will certainly improve with time and practice. All that is needed is a will to go, and to chart a course into the eye of the storm of literature.

[Luke Man 7394]

1876105 wow, i didn't realize all the mistakes I made but I do feel as if I rushed this chapter a bit too fast thanks for the help and and feedback! means a lot!