7. No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service
When Max had been chosen for the mission to the far side of the sun, he didn’t know what to expect. He tried not to imagine too many specifics, but he did go as far as to suppose a few things during the rather lonely and dull year it took to get there. He supposed that, if there really was intelligent life on the planet, there was a possibility of civilization. He further supposed that, should the local population be civilized, he would eventually try to make contact and communicate.
That led to the question of whether or not they were advanced enough to understand where he was from and what his mission was. Humans would have first been able to grasp the concept in the mid seventeen hundreds, when they began to look to science rather than religion to explain the world around them. If the inhabitants weren’t quite past that point themselves, and religion dominated science, there was a possibility that that Max could be mistaken for some sort of god, or worse, some sort of devil. To avoid such catastrophic misunderstandings, the locals were to simply be left alone to develop and advance on their own if that were the case.
On the other hand, should whatever or whoever populated the planet be scientifically aware of space and the solar system, and practical communication was possible, Max would become less of a daring explorer and more of a diplomat. A real exchange of scientific and cultural information would take place, and Max would be the man responsible for planting the seeds of an interplanetary civilization.
Of course, none of what was predicted or even supposed had really panned out. The course of events over the last twenty-four hours did not follow any scientific theory, nor did it bear anything in common with any science fiction stories Max was aware of. Things had been under control for the most part, with the orbital observations confirming an intelligent and technological civilization and green-lighting eventual interaction, but as soon as that pony appeared in the middle of the night, everything steadily went downhill, all culminating in his current situation, which was much less than ideal.
Max sat huddled in the corner of a stone cell in what appeared to be a medieval dungeon. In addition to the cast-iron bars that made up the front wall of his cell that were, in his opinion, more than adequate to keep him from going anywhere, a shimmering, sparkling, translucent force field of some kind also blocked his exit. Outside the bars on the opposite wall hung a lone torch, its flickering yellow light tinted purple in the glowing magical barrier.
As far as Max could tell, the cell was no colder than outside, but he still couldn’t stop himself from shivering every now and then for two reasons. The first being the cold stone floor and walls of the cell, and that would not have even bothered him if it weren’t for the second reason; he was stark naked.
Two hours earlier…
Upon being caught in the forest by an army of armored and flying ponies, Max did not need much convincing to surrender. His opposable thumbs and single firearm would have done next to no good against more than a hundred ponies, even with their archaic garb and weaponry. And if any of the ponies possessed the telekinetic abilities that Lyra had demonstrated that morning, it would have certainly negated any advantage that the dexterity of his thumbs would have afforded Max in a fair fight. That, combined with the flying, glaring one above him whose eyes were glowing and capable of shouting at decibels no living thing on Earth could create made a fight a very unattractive prospect. In addition, unless he was being subjected to actual injury, Max had strict orders to avoid any semblance of violence.
So he surrendered, and upon doing so, Max found himself very suddenly blindfolded, enveloped in an immobilizing telekinetic aura, lifted off his feet, roughly dropped into the back of what he guessed to be one of the chariots that had been scattered around the clearing, and carried off. While certainly no efforts were expended to make him comfortable, he wasn't being injured in any way as far as he could tell, and so Max decided not to resist until he was.
During the ride, he’d been stripped of just about everything he had. It was difficult to tell if one of the soldier ponies was actually taking his equipment from him or if more telekinetic magic was relieving him of his effects, but Max did his best to cooperate within reason, hoping his compliance would get the message across that he did not want to fight, just in case raising his hands in the universal gesture of surrender wasn’t convincing enough.
He gave up his backpack and other supplies readily enough, but when he felt a tugging at the firearm strapped to his thigh, he began to worry. Max tried not to openly resist the efforts of whatever was confiscating everything he had, but he still did his best to vocalize the caution one needed while handling the weapon, and how dangerous it could be if mishandled. There was, however, no verbal reply, so he could only hope that he’d been understood.
Max really began to worry when he felt his shirt, pants, and shoes being tugged off. Max instinctively grabbed for waistline on his pants, trying hold them on, but the tugging merely intensified. After a bit of a struggle, the question as to whether or not it was telekinesis holding him down was answered. Max felt a warm tingling all over his body before his limbs were forcibly straightened out, and next came the cold wind on his now bare legs, torso, and shoulders. The last articles of clothing left on him were his underwear and socks, and Max prayed they would leave him like that.
Unfortunately, those last luxuries were soon taken away as well, and had Max not been bound motionless by some mysterious force, he would have tried to double over, hug his knees, or do something so he wouldn’t be completely exposed. He was no doubt blushing madly, and could feel the hotness in his cheeks starting to heat up the fabric of whatever was blindfolding him.
Little changed until they arrived at wherever the ponies were taking Max, and the only indication he got was the sensation of slowing gradually and stopping. He still couldn’t see a thing, or so much as twitch a muscle, but he could feel himself being levitated out of the chariot, and then, based on what he heard, moved indoors. The clip-clop of hooves and the clanking of armor could be heard as Max felt himself floating down hallways, around corners, and down flights of stairs. Finally he heard the creaking of an iron cell door, before the warm tingling sensation finally stopped, and Max found himself unceremoniously dumped on a cold stone floor.
The iron door slammed shut with a mighty clang, and a faint crackling hum could be heard as the luminescent force field appeared. After a few seconds, Max finally reached up to pull sack off of his head, and when his vision returned it only confirmed what his hearing had told him earlier. He was in a cold, dark, stone-walled cell trapped by both iron bars and a glowing force field.
After making the observation, Max remembered that he was naked. He promptly sat up, hugged his knees to his chest, and briskly scooted into a corner.
Why would they take my clothes? The question bounced around in Max’s head a few times before a vague answer began to take shape.
Lyra did say that ponies don’t normally wear clothes… Maybe they thought my clothes were … Unnecessary?
Whatever the case, Max made the executive decision that he would not go anywhere until he at least had his pants back.
“Shining, this doesn’t feel right,” Twilight told her brother, irritation dripping from her words. She paced up and down her brother’s private quarters, where she and Shining Armor had been instructed to wait for further instructions by Princess Celestia. Late afternoon light shone through the windows, casting slanted rectangles of light on the checkered tile floor.
“What is it?” the older stallion asked, his voice full of concern.
“Why are we locking it away like this? It hasn’t done anything bad yet!”
“The Princess said it was a precaution,” Shining replied. “And once we’re sure it’s not hostile, we’ll let it out.”
Twilight responded by angrily stomping a hoof on the tile floor. “How does the princess expect it to prove it isn’t hostile while locked away in a dungeon?!” Twilight asked incredulously.
“Well…” Shining Armor didn’t really know how the princesses planned on determining the alien’s intentions, and up to this point had only relayed to his sister what he had been told. “Maybe if it doesn’t try to break out…?” he offered meekly.
“Why is the Princess so scared of this thing?” Twilight continued as if Shining Armor hadn’t spoken at all. “It hasn’t hurt anypony, it hasn’t scared anypony, and it hasn’t even talked to anypony!” She paused as she turned around to pace in the opposite direction again. “What makes the Princess so sure we need to assume it’s evil? And why use the Royal Canterlot Voice on it? I thought she did away with that hundreds of years ago!”
“Um, maybe-” Shining started, but those two words were all he got in before his sister continued her rant.
“It’s like she decided, ‘Hey, and alien race! Instead of meeting it peacefully in a diplomatic setting and extending a hoof of friendship to visitors from space, let’s send an army to arrest it and throw it in prison!’”
“Twilight, have you considered-” Shining tried again, but Twilight was having none of it.
“I know she kept telling us ‘Prepare for the worst, hope for the best,’ but this isn’t just preparing a plan for the worst, this is executing the plan for the worst! She didn’t even give the best a chance to happen!”
Finally having had enough, Shining Armor charged up his horn briefly and teleported from his spot next to the window directly in front of his sister, cutting her off mid-rant as well has halting her hundredth lap of anxious pacing. She bumped into his strong chest nose-first, and bounced back onto her haunches.
“Twilight, just listen for a few seconds, okay?” he said, exasperated with his sister’s venting.
The smaller unicorn looked up at her big brother’s intimidating frame, nodded, and let out a meek “Mm-hm?”
“You’re right, something feels off about all of this,” Shining Armor began, thankful that he finally had Twilight’s attention. “And I’ve noticed Princess Celestia hasn’t been acting normal since that morning we all met in her study. You might not have noticed since you’ve been up all night for the past few days, but the princess is legitimately scared. She’s ended court early every day since then, and outside of that she’s barely left her study. Luna’s been trying to compensate for her and keep all the rumors at bay, I think that Celestia knows a lot more than she’s letting on.”
At this, Twilight frowned. “But she said herself that she knew nothing about this whole situation. Are you saying the princess is… lying to us?”
“I’m not saying that,” Shining replied cautiously. “But based on what the princess told me and what I saw, I would have done things very differently today.”
Twilight stared up at her big brother. “Shining, what exactly are you saying?” she asked.
“I’m saying that if what Princess Celestia told us is really everything she knows, then she’s acting very irrational. And you and I both know the Princess is never irrational about anything.”
“But why would Celestia not tell us everything she knows?” Twilight asked.
“I don’t know,” Shining Armor replied seriously. “But if the princess is keeping secrets, it’s got to be pretty serious.”
“But what about this thing could possibly scare the Princess? You saw the alien surrender after just looking at her.”
“I think the only one who knows the answer to that question is probably Princess Celestia herself.”
Twilight let out an exasperated growl and stormed toward the exit. She grasped not just the knob but the entire door in purple magic and threw it open before leaving the room.
“Twiley, where are you going?” Shining Armor said as she trotted off in a huff.
“Somepony has to show this thing more that there’s more Equestria than just armor and spears,” Twilight tossed over her shoulder as she broke into a full gallop.
“Twilight, wait!” Shining Armor called after her. “If the Princess is scared of this thing…” He trailed off as he saw his sister disappear around a corner. “Don’t you think we should be to?” he asked to no one in particular, before letting out a sigh and giving chase.
The staccato beat of four hooves pounding on the marble floors of the castle echoed throughout the halls and corridors, and was amplified by the tall vaulted ceilings as Twilight made her way to the dungeons. At first, she had to take extreme care not to plow into the occasional noble or working pony that milled about the castle as if nothing was awry, and on multiple occasions she had to mumble a quick “Pardon me” or “Watch it” as she barreled through a particularly crowded passage.
But as Twilight got closer to her destination, there were less and ponies to dodge. The dungeon of Canterlot Castle hadn’t been used in centuries, and was tucked away in a remote section of the palace where few ever had business.
When she finally arrived at the entrance to dungeons, Twilight was immediately stopped by the two royal guards stationed at the large iron gates. Without even looking down, they crossed their lances in front of her, cutting off her path.
“Halt,” said one. “As per orders of the princess, nothing and no one is to pass through these gates.”
“I’m sorry, let me introduce myself” Twilight said. “But I’m Twilight Sparkle, personal student of the princess, and-”
“Yes, we know who you are,” the other guard stated tersely. “But our orders are to keep everypony out until otherwise directed.”
“Do you even know what you are guarding?” Twilight asked angrily.
“That information is on a need-to-know basis,” said one guard stoically.
The other guard grumbled out the side of his mouth, “Apparently we didn’t need to know.”
“And neither do you, Miss Sparkle. Move along.” The guard had much more force behind his voice when he repeated the last instruction, and Twilight finally began to back away.
“Oh, ok,” Twilight said and turned around before trudging back the way she came, occasionally glancing over her shoulder. The two guards didn’t move until she rounded a corner and was out of sight, at which point they simply uncrossed their lances and returned to the position of attention. Once she was out of the guard’s sight, Twilight did a quick look-around to make sure nopony else was would see, then, with her teeth gritted and eyes clenched shut, she charged up her horn.
It began to glow and hum faintly, but as Twilight poured more and more raw magic into her horn without a particular spell in mind, the corridor soon lit up in a dazzling and almost blinding light show of raw magical energy. Flashing purple sparks buzzed and crackled loudly as they jumped out of Twilight’s horn and danced around the hall, before dissipating and being replaced by more.
A small smirk tugged at the corner of Twilight’s lips as she heard the beat of hooves on marble and the clanking and scraping of metal armor as the two guards came running from their post to see what the commotion was. Just before the stallions could round the corner, Twilight put one last burst of power through her horn and disappeared in a flash of violet light.
When the pair of armored guardsponies finally did come to the spot where Twilight had been, they found absolutely nothing. The junior guard looked quizzically at his superior, who simply shrugged and turned to return to their post. By the time they returned to their original positions, Twilight had long disappeared down the dark spiral staircase behind the iron gates they were supposed to protect, and neither guard had the faintest idea of what had really happened.
The two guards barely had time to assume the position of attention before Shining Armor came galloping down the hall. He came to rest in front of the senior guard panting, and took a second to catch his breath before saying anything. Twilight was in much better shape than he thought. So that’s how she almost won that Running of the Leaves race two years ago, Shining thought before straightening up and addressing the guard in from of him, who was looking at his commander very strangely.
“Did Twilight *pant* come this way?” he asked between breaths.
“Yes she did, Sir,” replied the guard. “But we sent her away, just like the Princess ordered.”
“Oh, and did anything happen *pant* after that?” Shining asked, knowing Twilight too well to believe she would give up after only one try.
“Well, after she left somepony was doing a lot of magic down that way,” said the younger guard, gesturing with a hoof to the hall where the spectacle had occurred. “We went to check it out, but there was nothing there. So we came back here immediately afterwards.”
Shining Armor brought a hoof to his face and groaned. “Alright, I’m going through,” he said impatiently.
“But Captain, the Princess ordered-” the senior guard started, but was cut off by his boss.
“Don’t even try it with me, Corporal,” Shining said, and with a blast of violet light from his horn he opened the magically sealed gates and galloped right past the two bemused guards, telekinetically re-sealing the gates behind him.
The junior guard raised an eyebrow at the corporal and asked, “You think we should…”
“Nope.”
“Okay.”
There were situations and possibilities that Max had been trained to handle before leaving Earth. Scientists and analysts from every discipline had predicted multitudes of possible scenarios for an astronaut going to another planet, and Max had been trained for every single one. Unfortunately, somehow the analysts had neglected the one thing that actually managed to happen.
Max was cold, defenseless, huddled in the corner of a stone cell, and stark naked. On top of all that, he was starting to get hungry. He guessed that he’d spent maybe two or three hours in the cell, and the blind-folded ride took what felt like an hour, and the last thing he’d eaten was a protein bar while he was walking back to his landing site after helping Lyra out of the forest. Based on that math, Max calculated about six hours since he’d last consumed any type of nourishment, and five since he’d drank any water.
The thought of his landing site introduced a whole new line of thought concerning the Birdie and what these ponies might be doing to it. That thing was the only way to get back to the Enterprise, and if something rendered it inoperable, Max would not be getting home any time soon. He quickly decided there were better things to think about while in solitary confinement.
The thought of Lyra brought back memories of how she described the magical princess that supposedly ruled the land with kindness and benevolence. If Max had to guess, he would assume the flying creature that shone like the sun and demanded his immediate and unconditional surrender was this magical princess, as none of the ponies that were flying had horns, and the few ponies he spied with horns had no wings. Not to mention, she could yell louder than any living creature on Earth.
Hmph, kind and benevolent Princess rulers indeed, Max thought bitterly. First she has me blindfolded and arrested, then robbed and stripped nude, then tossed in prison. What kind of government does that to visitors?
At that point, Max suddenly remembered that, until recently, any human government would have probably done the exact same thing to some living creature that suddenly dropped out of the sky and landed in their territory. In fact, he could name a few nations that probably still would, the United States included. This thought allowed him to quell most of the bitterness at his treatment, but the fact that he was naked was still rather distressing.
His train of thought was interrupted by the sound of hooves on stone coming from somewhere outside of his cell. They were slightly muffled by the magical barrier that complemented the iron bars, but the sound was unmistakable. Max also noted the lack of clanking armor, but there wasn’t a whole lot he could do with the information. All he could do was try to scoot farther into the corner and hug his knees closer.
The sound got closer and closer, and soon the blurred form of another pony was visible behind the humming force field. A spot on its forehead glowed briefly, and the force field disappeared. It took a few seconds for Max’s eyes to adjust to the much dimmer light conditions, but when they did, he saw a unicorn, similar in shape and size to Lyra. Max supposed this was also a female, and The supposition caused the mortification over his current state of undress to return with a vengeance.
However, the size and shape were where the similarities ended. This unicorn’s coat had a rich lavender hue, and her indigo mane was straightened with neat bangs hanging just above her eyes, through which her purple horn protruded.
The unicorn cleared her throat, and said in an official manner, “Greetings. My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I would like to welcome you to the beautiful land Equestria.”
Max, still huddled in the very back corner of the cell, eyed the unicorn questioningly despite his embarrassment. After a few uncomfortable seconds, he said flatly, “Hi, Twilight Sparkle. I’m Max.”
Twilight smiled, happy to have finally communicated with an alien race that did not appear hostile. “Well, um, it’s nice to meet you, Max. And you can call me Twilight. Now, you’re probably wondering why we had to put you down here.”
“Yes, Twilight,” Max said, trying his best hide his irritation. “I am wondering why I was thrown in prison since, to my knowledge, I haven’t done anything to make your kind scared of me. In fact, I was going for quite the opposite. I’m not here to take over or start a war. I was just exploring. But before we get into that, there’s something else I’d really like to know.”
“Oh, what is it?”
“May I have my clothes back? Please?”
Twilight blinked in surprise. “Your clothes?” she repeated.
“Yes, my clothes,” Max replied tersely. “I’m sure that you and that small army that arrested me earlier have figured out by now that I’m not from around here. You see, where I come from, we always wear clothes. It’s kind of a modesty issue. In fact, it’s considered very bad taste to not wear clothes outside of one’s home. Now, based on your voice, I’m assuming you’re female. And where I’m from, it is considered awfully rude for a male to not wear clothes in the presence of a female. So before ANYTHING else happens, I would REALLY like my clothes back.”
Twilight’s eyes widened with understanding. “Ooooooooh,” she said slowly, and then chuckled sheepishly. “That kind of explains why you’re sitting in the corner like that,” she added on, a slight blush creeping into her cheeks. She averted her gaze and took a tentative step away from the bars, and that was precisely when Shining Armor charged in.
“Twilight, what in Celestia’s name do you think you’re doing!?” the white stallion scolded his sister, ignoring the human huddled in the corner. “Do you know what the Princess will do if you’re caught down here talking to it? Do you know how dangerous this could be?”
“But I-” Twilight was about to say something in her own defense, but before she could finish her sentence, Max felt the need to pipe up.
“Um, excuse me,” he said, just loud enough to be heard. “I don’t really think I’m a danger to anyone while I’m in here. In fact, I’m about as exposed as I can get right about now.”
Shining Armor turned around slowly to face the lanky, pale, relatively hairless creature in the cell. The last thing the Captain of the Guard expected was for the alien to speak, much less in a manner that he could understand. “Wait, you can understand us?” the stallion said with a confused look on his face.
Max had to mentally tell himself not to roll his eyes. “Trust me; I’m even more surprised than you are. Can I have my clothes back now?”
“Why do you want-” Shining began to ask, but he was cut off when Twilight magically yanked his head down her level and started whispering in his hear. After Twilight’s explanation, his eyes widened with understanding much like Twilight had done just a little over a minute prior. “Ooooooooh,” he said slowly.
There was a brief, awkward silence between the three beings. Max stared at the ponies outside his cell hoping he had possibly convinced one of them to return his garments, and the two unicorn siblings tried earnestly not to stare back at the naked human. No one in the room was met with any degree of success.
Finally having had enough, Twilight cleared her throat nervously. “Ahem, would you excuse me and my brother for one moment?” she asked, pushing the older stallion away from Max’s cell.
“Okay,” she said in a hushed tone when they were out of Max’s sight. “He’s not dangerous at all. He told me he’s just here on an expedition, and doesn’t want to hurt anypony. Although, he’s probably scared and a little annoyed that we took all of his stuff and threw him in prison.”
“Point taken, but even if he is telling the truth, how do you intend on convincing the princess?” Shining whispered back.
“I’m not sure about that just yet,” Twilight admitted. “But we should at least give him his clothes back. I think he’s going to stay like that until we do.”
Shining Armor thought for a moment, and said, “I think I can get to the place where his clothes are, but the rest of his stuff has to stay. And only I can go. You’ll have to stay here.”
“But Shining,” Twilight hissed. “He said being naked in front of a girl is really bad manners where he’s from!”
“Sorry Twiley, but if those two guards see you walk out of here, we’ll both be in trouble, and that won’t help anyone.”
“But…” Twilight began to protest some more, but her brother was having none of it.
“And no teleporting, either. Too much of that is going to look suspicious. He’s just going to have to suck it up for a little while longer.”
Twilight realized her brother was right. The guards were probably watching out for more of her tricks, so she couldn’t use the little teleporting trick again without raising some suspicion. She was just going to be stuck down here with Max until Princess Celestia was convinced he was not a threat.
“Fine,” she grumbled.
“I’ll be back as soon as I can,” Shining assured her before trotting back up the stairs that led to the gates. Once he reached the top, he opened the magically sealed gates again and strode through, as though there was nothing unusual happening. When he passed the two stallions guarding the entrance, the younger one addressed him.
“Uh, Captain?” the stallion said primly. “Is everything ok? What’s going on down there?”
“Don’t worry about it, Private,” Shining said reassuringly. “It’s above your pay grade.” Without saying anything else, he continued his trot down the corridor and disappeared around a corner.
The private turned to his partner again and asked, “Are you sure we shouldn’t-”
“Eeyup.”
“Alright, then.”
Back down in the dungeon, Twilight decided to make the best of the current situation, and learn as much as she could from Max while she was stuck in the dungeon with him.
“Hello again,” she said as she trotted back to Max’s cell, trying to sound more optimistic than she felt.
Max, who was still huddled in the corner of the cell, did not say anything.
“Don’t worry about your clothes. My brother went to go get them,” she said, hoping the news would cheer him up.
“I appreciate it,” Max said. “But until I’m wearing them, I’m going to worry about them. I can’t really help it.”
“Sorry. They’re coming, I promise.”
“Thanks.”
Yet another awkward silence resonated in the dungeon, and while Max would have been happy to let it stay, Twilight had a burning curiosity.
“So where are you from?” she asked.
With the elephant in the room finally addressed, Max inwardly groaned. It looked as though his clothes would not arrive before questioning.
“Alright, how would I explain this…” he said to himself, but loud enough for Twilight to hear him. There were many methods to explain the position of the Earth, each for a different level of understanding of space. Based on Lyra’s statement about a goddess-like-princess controlling day and night, he might have to go with the barebones version. But Max figured, without the language barrier gumming things up, he might as well just ask.
After a second, he said “Okay, let me ask you something. What do you know about space?”
“Oh, ummm…” Twilight didn’t expect Max to answer her question with one of his own. She knew plenty about space, and even more now than a few days ago thanks to nights spent studying with Doctor Whooves. “Actually, I know a lot about space. More than most ponies, but why do you ask?”
“I’m just asking to see if you know enough to understand where I come from,” Max replied. “What do you know about planets and stars in particular?”
“Oh, I know plenty about that,” Twilight said happily. She loved to talk science with anyone, and talking science with an advanced alien race was probably a once-per-lifetime opportunity. “The planet we’re on revolves around the sun, which is the nearest star, and there are a few other planets orbiting–”
“Wait, say that again?”
“Do you mean the part about the other planets orbiting the sun?” Twilight asked confused.
“No, the part about this planet orbiting the sun,” Max corrected.
“Oh,” Twilight said and frowned. If he doesn’t get that concept, they might not be as advanced as we thought, she thought disappointedly. “Our planet is orbiting the sun, which is the closest star,” she finished.
“I thought you guys believed your magical princess controlled the sun,” he said, realizing too late the implications of the statement.
“Well, she doesn’t actually… wait, how did you know that?” Twilight’s eyes narrowed and she looked at Max suspiciously.
Max silently cursed himself and his big mouth. “Ok, Twilight, I should probably tell you that you’re not the first pony I’ve talked to.”
Now Twilight was genuinely confused. “Huh?”
“Okay, here’s what happened,” Max said, and launched into the story of how he met the lost little unicorn in the forest. He started with the initial exploration of the forest and how she stumbled upon him sleeping in the clearing, and continued with the unicorn accidentally knocking him out with her saddlebags. He mentioned how he helped the unicorn find her way back to her hometown just that morning, and made mistake of the saying the word ‘Ponyville.’
“Wait a second,” Twilight cut off Max’s story, holding up a hoof to silence him. “You’ve already seen Ponyville?! That’s where I’m from! Who was this unicorn you talked to?”
“Um…” The last thing Max wanted was to get Lyra in trouble. She’d found him completely by accident, after all, and she’d been pretty nice to him, ignoring the incident where she accidentally hit him in the face and knocked him out cold. But then again, almost anything would be nice compared to the treatment he was getting right now.
“Well?” Twilight demanded, and Max realized there was no avoiding the question.
“Okay, her name was Lyra Heartstrings,” he said finally, and quickly added, “She won’t get in any trouble, will she? It was a total accident! She was just lost in the forest and I helped her out! I didn’t even go near the town!”
“LYRA?!” Twilight nearly exploded. How could that bubble-head have gotten to talk to the alien before me?!
“What’s going to happen to her?” Max asked pleadingly, hoping Lyra wouldn’t be put into a situation similar to his.
“Nothing, nothing,” Twilight responded irritably. Then, in a more even tone, she said “I won’t tell anypony. In fact, if I get caught down here, I’ll be the one in trouble.”
“Oh, that’s comforting,” Max said, unable to resist rolling his eyes this time. However, the gesture was lost in the dim lighting of the dungeon and Twilight got back to the topic at hand.
“Anyway,” she said after smoothing out her proverbial ruffled feathers. “Princess Celestia doesn’t actually move the sun. She does control the planet’s rotation and its day and night cycles, so to most ponies it appears like she raises and lowers the sun.”
“Fascinating,” Max muttered. In his head, he added, Makes sense, but it’s only slightly less mind-boggling. “Anyhow, it sounds like you know enough to understand where I’m from. I come from another planet, which happens to be orbiting the same star as this one. But we’re kind of on the other side of the sun, so up until a few years ago, we had no idea this planet was here.”
“I knew it!” Twilight exclaimed and pumped a hoof in the air.
“What do you...?” Max said bemusedly, but before he could finish his question, Twilight answered it.
“Well, we kinda saw your ship in the night sky, and after we pointed a telescope at it all we could do was guess where it came from, and I was right!” She accentuated her last statement by excitedly clapping her two front hooves together. “Just wait till I tell Doctor Whooves!”
“Doctor who?” Max said with a raised eyebrow.
“No, not Doctor Who, Doctor Whooves,” Twilight corrected him.
Any further discussion was cut off by a brilliant flash of purple light and a loud POP coming from down the hall, and Shining Armor reappeared in the dungeon carrying a bundle of clothes in a purple cloud of levitation. He stumbled towards Max’s cell and Twilight, slightly woozy after using an advanced spell he didn’t have much practice with.
“Woah, that one’s not as easy as you make it look, Twiley,” the older stallion said and tapped one side of his head several times with a front hoof, causing a few excess sparks to fly out of the opposite ear. “Going across a room is one thing, but it’s something else going through multiple layers of stone and marble.”
“What.” The word came out of Max’s mouth not as a question but more as a statement of utter bewilderment.
“Teleportation magic,” Twilight explained briefly, before turning to her older brother. “I thought you said no teleporting!” she hissed angrily.
“I thought about it, and those two guards up there would catch on if they saw me walking in with this guy’s stuff, wouldn’t they?” Shining Armor hissed back. “Besides,” he added. “I did it as quietly as possible.”
“Shining, how many times have you teleported more than a few feet before today?” Twilight asked him.
“Uh…” Shining racked his memory to come up with an instance that fit his sister’s criteria. “Once?” he said sheepishly.
Twilight would have gone on berating her brother, but the sound of Max noisily clearing his throat brought her back to immediate issue. “Nevermind,” she said irritably. “Did you get everything?”
“Yeah, I think so,” Shining replied and sent the bundle floating between the bars of the cell before releasing it right next to where Max was huddled.
Reaching out with one hand, Max sorted through the contents of the pile. His mood improved dramatically when he found that the pony named Shining Armor indeed had managed to get everything, including his underwear, socks, and boots. He was finally about to get up from the uncomfortable position he’d been stuck in for the past few hours when Max noticed the two siblings still looking straight at him from behind the bars of the cell.
“Um, would you mind?” he asked.
“What?” Twilight began to ask confusedly, but her eyes widened when she realized exactly Max meant. “Oh, right. Sorry. Come on, Shining,” she said, once again pushing her bewildered brother away and out of sight.
Breathing a sigh of relief, Max finally stood from where he had been huddled for hours. After stretching out some muscle kinks and popping the joints that needed it, he at long last began the process of getting dressed.
“Sister, is it really necessary to keep the human locked up like this?” Luna asked her sister.
The Princess of the Night was seated in one of the floor cushions facing Celestia’s desk in the elder alicorn’s study, while Celestia herself was pacing nervously back and forth in front of the tall window behind the desk. Both princesses had removed and stored their battle armor upon returning to the castle, and now appeared as they would on any normal day, save the anxiety that seemed to saturate the air between them.
“I don’t know, Luna,” she replied anxiously, without looking up from the path she walked. “I really don’t know.”
“You are obviously very troubled by this, dear sister. I have not seen you pace like this in…” Luna thought for a moment, trying to remember another instance where her sister had shown this particular behavior. She came up empty.
“I don’t think I have ever seen you this anxious about anything before,” Luna finished, new lines of worry crossing her face.
“This is really the first time I’ve been at a complete loss as to what I should do,” Celestia said miserably.
“Well, something needs to be done soon,” Luna said forcefully. “We cannot just keep an alien locked in the cellar like this and worry about it day in and day out. Your daily duties as Princess will only handle themselves for so long.”
“I know, Luna,” Celestia conceded. “But what would you have me do?”
“Perhaps we try to talk to the human?” Luna offered. “Did you ever consider the possibility that revenge is not on his agenda? Even if it is, he seems to be woefully unprepared for it.”
Before Celestia could reply, the double doors to the study burst open, and a Royal Guard galloped in. He stopped before the princesses and bowed respectfully.
“What is so urgent, Lieutenant?” Luna asked and the guard stood.
Lieutenant Storm Cloud removed his helmet and faced Celestia. “Your Highness,” he said gravely. “My guards posted at the armory reported Captain Shining Armor entering, but never coming out. They claim to have heard a teleportation spell, and upon investigating, several of the artifacts recovered from the excursion this morning were missing.”
Celestia and Luna exchanged horrified glances. The memory of a certain captain under mind-control trickled into the elder alicorn’s thoughts, and she sprang into action. Without so much as a moment’s hesitation, she leapt from her pacing circuit to the space between Luna and Storm Cloud, clearing her desk with assistance of a powerful stroke from her wings. Upon landing, she charged up her own teleportation spell, and with a brilliant flash of golden magic, both princesses and the officer vanished from the room.
They materialized in the dimly-lit stone hallway of the dungeon, and right in front of the cell where the alien was being held.
Before her eyes adjusted to the low light, Celestia’s keen hearing picked up three distinct yelps of surprise. Two of the voices she recognized as Twilight Sparkle and Shining Armor. There was only one possible source of the third.
“Stop where you are!” the princess commanded in the direction of the third voice, coming dangerously close to the Royal Canterlot Voice for such a confined space. She charged up her horn, ready to unleash the full fury of the sun on whatever was threatening her personal student and the Captain of the Royal Guard.
As soon as the words left her mouth, Celestia’s equally keen eyes adjusted to the darkness, and she was treated to the sight of a partially clothed human in what seemed to be a compromising position.
It was hunched over and raising one leg in the air, and seemed to be in the process of putting its pants on. True to the orders it had received, the human froze in this position, but with one leg raised in an attempt wiggle into the curious garment, it quickly lost balance.
“What- D’oh!” the human exclaimed as it pitched to one side. The hard thump that resulted when its head impacted against the unforgiving stone wall made everyone in the room cringe, including Celestia, despite her being ready to reduce the human to subatomic particles mere seconds before. It then fell the remaining distance to ground, landing in a crumpled, unconscious heap with crossed eyes and a dazed expression on its face.
The three newcomers to the room stared at the incapacitated creature for a few brief moments, before remembering the other two voices. In unison, Celestia, Luna, and Storm Cloud all turned their heads to look at Twilight Sparkle and Shining Armor, who were sitting on their haunches a few feet down the hall.
They did not appear to be under the influence of any kind of mind control. Rather, the siblings looked very normal, were it not for the furious blushing in their cheeks and the ways their eyes darted about to avoid the questioning stares being sent their way.
Finally, after what were without question the most awkward few seconds of silence that day, Twilight met the dumbfounded gaze of her mentor smiled sheepishly before saying meekly, “Um…we can explain?”
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so all in all is tia actually a tyranical bitch (which has been the only real possible explination for some cannon stuff, seriously jealousy and hurt and ONLY jealousy and hurt that ponies slept through her night is what caused Luna to transform into Nightmare Moon? yeah, don't buy a damn bit of it!) and that's what she's scared shitless of getting out, or what?
2637207 No, no, no; when I said advanced tech I meant that the Princess doesn't steal the technology in the Birdie. I know he doesn't want a war, I never said he should go all gun ho and start blasting ponies, now did I?
Disappointing human, I'm thinking Max should have brought a bigger ship, one with remote controlled Rods from God. I'll stick around for a few more chapters, I would like to see if Max will get a backbone by then. Also, kinda stupid for command to give him only one pistol, what if he had met a hydra first?
Celestia judging powers of a 2000 year old civilization, go! MOAR!
Ah, I figured this was going in the direction of Celestia baising humanity based off of the Dark Ages or before, and it would seem I was right.
Celestia are you really that thick-headed? And to think the human was using mind control? Does she not know humans don't even believe in magic? Tsk, tsk, tsk Celestia, you are quite the block head if I do say so myself.
With that out of the way I will say that this chapter was quite fun to read, and I will give you this.
MOAR
the plot thickens
2637724 i'd send him with a whole arsenal of fun weaponry, and a remote detonated nuke in the ship if they would have been hostile and as a last resort if they wanted to steal their technology
Pretty much my thoughts, but mine include an unhealthy dose of eye twitching and the need to gut someone.
Other than that, I greatly approve the fact that you went with Celestia just controlling planetary rotation.
...
Doesn't change the fact I want to gut her.
2637724
I second this motion.
Celestia is such a stupid horse.
2637807
If I understood your comment, you're saying that Celestia is judging a humanity that's 2000 years old? If not, shame. I still would like to say that she has no right, if any of you have read Ender's game, you should know the fault in judging another species based in comparison to yours.
Celestia is the cruelest bitch in existence. What a stupid whore.
2637724
Apparently they still believe in blind peace. And that you can talk your way out of anything. Should have at least given him a shotgun and some grenades, and a combat knife.
2638381
I also agree with that, and I also want to gut Celestia, although I'm leaning towards Xenocide. Because her reactions show she might have done something similar...
Its just how humans work and by extension ponies. 2638809
Ssooooooo.... Was it me that got that addition of "controls the planet not the sun" in there?
Cause I'd like to think it was.
2640119 And we have a winner! You are correct sir!
Have a positive thumb on your comment!
Millenia = 1000 years.
Nightmare Moon = 1000 years ago.
Coincidence?
2640183 I'll give you a hint.
Millennium = 1000 years
Millenia = plural form of millennium. meaning many thousands of years.
Well, at least there's the possibility of Celestia having proper motivation for restraining him, I thought she was afraid that he would tell everyone how she only controls the planet and ruin her power-base. Ah well, let's watch and see if she has any better reasoning.
2637661 but if that really was the reason for it, The Rulers of eqestria are push overs and dont even deserve to be rulers
WHY IS EVERYONE ON FIMFICTON GOING TO THE MILITARY!!!!!
2637661 I don't know.
derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTIvMDkvMjcvMTFfMDhfNTJfNjA2XzEwNzgxNl9fVU5PUFRfX3BpbmtpZV9waWVfYW5pbWF0ZWRfbW1teXN0ZXJ5X29uX3RoZV9mcmllbmRzaGlwX2V4cHJlc3NfdGhpbmtpbmdfZGVyYnlfdW5zdXJlIl1d/107816__safe_pinkie-pie_animated_mmmystery-on-the-friendship-express_thinking_unsure_derby.gif
When it comes to Luna's Fall, I think that problem had time to develop. My head cannon says that only the Lunar Heresy happened a thousand years ago, and all other events that happened "A thousand years ago" actually happened way, WAY before that.
So they both stone Discord, and then one to two thousand years of loneliness and that small twinge of jealousy that we all have in the back of our minds over certain things, the twinge grew too powerful, and Luna's mind finally snapped.
2640183 Also, you pointing out that particular line reminded me that I had recently edited and replaced it with one that was a bit more telling on my computer, but forgot to apply the changes to the Gdoc before uploading. I have since changed it, but I think most readers have already seen the wrong one...
I dun derp'd
2641753 Who else do you know is heading in? If someone else from here is going where I'm going, I'd like to know them before getting there.
2638381>>2638772>>2639155
I'm not going to tell you to shut up. What if the humans of Equestria past deserved it? What if they were just totally sick, like the worst humans we could think of? What if Albert Fish would have fit right in with them? All I'm saying is, give her some leeway. She might have a good reason to think he's a vicious, back stabbing monster.
Story is good so far. But why? Why hate, fear or dislike Celestia Humans in nearly every story? Just tell me why!
2646483 All security teams to the gateroom immediatly! An alien Celestiafag has breached the iris and is continueing to spew fantard bullshit all over SGC!
2646483 Sure, because it's not like it has been millennia since she last saw one, and because assuming every single one would be like that is totally the right way to do it.
:
2647443 Maybe they were. What if they were all horrible b*stards?
I am not blaming her. I have similar feelings myself, at times.
2651404 *Eye twitch*
I don't think I want to continue this argument, less it goes on for pages. (Flame wars can get out of control here, I'd know. The TCB area can attest to that.)
Let's just agree to disagree and end this before it even begins.
2653238 That is very respectable. We both have strong emotions based on this, so it's the sensible thing.
That said, I hope this bit of tension is worked out soon.
Clestia is a stupid whorebag. She can jerk off to a picture of a grown man taking a shit.
So Princess Celestia, the pony who was willing to give DISCORD a chance, goes frothing nutso at the first sign of a human.
Right now, if I were monitoring Max's interactions with Equestrians from back on earth, I'd be planning to carpet bomb Canterlot with strategic nukes and praying that enough of them would get through to do the job. Insane, apparently omega level psyker with a hate on for humans? Too dangerous to be in the same solar system as you.
I was enjoying this story up till the last chapter. This is a lunatic response, so over the top is itsn't even funny, though I assume that's what you were going for. Guards, yes. Royal Canterlot Voice? A bit excessive, but you do want to establish a dominant position, so okay. But to immediately throw him in the dungeon without even trying to communicate? No, sorry, that just doesn't add up. If she were not clearly clinically insane, the proper course would have been to talk with him in situ, and find out his intentions.
2762716
I admit myself quite taken aback, sir, not just at your reaction but at almost everybody's reaction to my portrayal of Celestia. Although, your reaction was accompanied with a most detailed explanation.
It was not my intention to make everybody hate Celestia like this, but derpy-derp, that's what happened.
It's probably best if I upload the next chapter now, so as to restore your faith in the good Princess.
Hmm, who would send just one man on an exploratory mission to another planet, with only a pistol? At least give the man an assault rifle. Or better yet: Give him a bigger ship, with a fully stocked armory, a one megaton nuclear warhead, ten fuel air bombs, a variety of orbitally launched missiles, a few chemical warheads, and about ten other people to give him back up, also a tap that pours soda rather than water.
I seriously doubt that Celestia is that strong
Personally I would have gotten the radio, and said,"This race is hostile, I want a full planetary bombardment."
...
Goddamnit Max, you just had to get yourself pulled into that one didn't you?