The Book of Friendship

by BillyColt

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

“So he took a book,” said Brother White, combing his hair in the bathroom. Next to the faucet he had a cold pack which would place on his black eye once he was done with his hair. “Seems like an okay guy. I just hope I don’t need to do any more bar fights, because I’m not setting foot in a bar ever again. Now I know why we don’t have that stuff in Equestria.”

“Yeah...”

Brother White looked out of the bathroom. Brother Scroll was sitting down, sulking. “Oh, don’t be so sad,” he said, exiting the lavatory, “look, we had a rough day yesterday, but things are only going to get better.”

“Two ponies died...” said Scroll sadly, “I don’t think I’m cut out for this...”

“To be honest...” said Brother White, sighing, “sometimes I feel the same way.”

“Huh?” asked Brother Scroll, looking up, “how can you feel like that? You’re good at everything. You’re charismatic, charming, handsome, you’ve got an amazing singing voice... You’re like the top banana here.”

“Nooo, not me,” said Brother White, laughing, “I’m no Top Banana. Now, he was someone who-” he cut himself off. Had to stay with what he was trying to say. “Look, that’s not important. The important thing is that Celestia sent us here to do a job, and we’re gonna do it.”

“But how am I gonna do it?” asked Brother Scroll.

Brother White looked at him. The poor guy seemed to have just about given up. He thought back to when he was starting school and he felt like the new guy - terrified, feeling lower than everypony else. Except Brother Scroll had not only that, but the reinforcement of that comes from having bullies steal your lunch money on a regular basis. But he knew that Brother Scroll wasn’t as worthless as he saw himself. If only he could see that.

“You’ll learn,” said Brother White, “I have nothing but confidence in you. You’re gonna do great. Now come on!” he said, bolting up and taking books from the desk, placing them in a wheelbarrow, “we’re late today! Got a lot of friends to make and half the day is already gone. Now, we’ve already got one new friend (I hope I don’t need to get another black eye) and we have to make a lot more. Now let’s get to it! Giddy-up!”

Brother Scroll was tasked with pulling the wheelbarrow, while Brother White waved a book in front of him, shouting, “Come one, come all! We’ve got the most amazing book you will ever read! We guarantee you that this book will change your life!”

They were largely ignored, save for a few annoyed glances. Brother Scroll looked at the town some more as they passed through. Everything was made out of wood, which meant...

“I think there’s a forest on this island,” he said.

“Really?” asked Brother White.

“Yeah. Probably a big one,” said Brother Scroll, “they don’t seem to import a lot of things, so if there’s this much wood, it must come from a forest. They probably cultivate it - being earth ponies, after all.”

“That’s incredible,” said Brother White, “really, that’s incredible. Sometimes I’m really astounded by what earth ponies can do - like in Apple-oosa. They grew an apple orchard in the middle of the desert. I mean, how cool is that?” he stopped and took a deep breath. “I think I like this town.”

“I don’t think it likes you,” said Brother Scroll.

“Oh, pah,” he said, “putting aside the racism and the occasional dirt, there’s something very appealing. I mean, all these wooden buildings - it’s like it all shares a theme. Again, like in Apple-oosa! No gimmicks, no ice cream cone houses or tree houses (or houses that are trees)... all very simple. It’s very old-timey and, and, and...” he was searching for a word.

“Rustic?” suggested Brother Scroll.

“Yeah! Rustic!” said Brother White, turning around, “I mean, it’s not like what we’ve got most places in Equestria, and just take in the smell... rustic.”

There was a splashing sound. “Smells more like... egh...” said Brother Scroll, looking around. When he looked back at Brother White, he found that the unicorn was dripping wet. A window shut above him. “Oh hey, they still use chamber pots... oh...”

“Rustic...” repeated Brother White, a little less enthusiastically.

“Hey, horner!” shouted a passer-by, “things seem a little piss-poor!”

“But you’re still number one!” jeered his friend.

“Well...” said Brother White, “at least that time the jeers were less about my race than the...” he took a breath, “funny. This situation is funny. Right? It’s perfectly fine to laugh.”

“I dunno...” said Brother Scroll.

From Brother White’s perspective, this called for another shower. He was rather thankful that he hadn’t taken one at the start of the day due to the hangover confusion, but that’d mean two showers in the space of a few hours, which would have been an embarrassing waste of water.

Still, a shower at this point was a relief. White always liked it - he was completely alone, with only the constant sound of the running water as it purged the stank from his body. The mission house’s bathroom wasn’t as clean as he’d hoped it’d be, but he didn’t want to complain about small things like that. At the moment it was just a relief. That is, until Brother Scroll interrupted him.

“Uhh, White, I’m not sure that’s a good idea!” he shouted.

Brother White sighed and turned off the water. “What?” he called back.

“Wasting water, I mean,” said Brother Scroll. Brother White exited the bathroom, drying himself off with a towel, “I mean, remember yesterday when General Quake shut off our water?”

“Yeah?” Brother White asked, “But how can there be a shortage of water?”

“Well, think about it,” said Brother Scroll, “in Equestria, it’s not really that much of a problem because the pegasus ponies usually take care of the rain, but here...”

“But here...” Brother White got it, “they don’t have pegasus ponies... Oh dear.”

“Yeah...” said Brother Scroll.

“But...” said Brother White, “hygiene is important. If I don’t bathe I’ll start smelling bad and stuff and nopony will want to be around me and there will probably start being bugs...”

“I think that last part already happened.”

Brother White took a deep breath. “Okay, I think I can handle this. Just... let’s avoid standing under windows this time. Ready?”

________

They began their second attempt of the day, this time with less chamber pots. Brother White, however, would not give up. He’d gotten one convert... sorta. He took a book, anyway. That had to count for something. But the converts weren’t the important part for him. These ponies needed help. In one day in one town on Earthquake Island he’d encountered more callous brutality than in his entire life in Equestria. He and Scroll could help them, he knew they could. It’s just that the ponies didn’t care. The important thing was the keep trying, and not lose hope. They had to be capable of doing this, otherwise why would they have been sent here?

While he wasn’t still crying about losing his virginity, Scroll wasn’t feeling very confident, himself. He didn’t know if he had it in him to teach the ponies about friendship - what could he teach? He’d never had a friend before Brother White. And Scroll wondered if he was fit to try doing something like this? Scroll, the sad little dweeb with glasses who had about as much presence as a brightly-colored teacup?

He had to try something. “Hello,” he said, walking up to the first pony he saw, “my name is Brother Scroll. And I would like to share with you the most amazing book.”

“Huh?” asked the pony, turning around. He was a large stallion, bright green in coloration. On either side he was flanked by two of his friends.

“It’s a very good book,” said Brother Scroll, nodding his head at the wheelbarrow, “the foundation of our organization, the Fraternity.”

“C’mon, man, they’re just the missionary fruits,” said one of the green pony’s friends, “we don’t need to listen...”

“No, you two go on ahead. I’ll catch up later,” said the pony. “What’s it about?”

“The magic of friendship!”

The green pony narrowed his eyes. “Magic?” he asked dubiously.

“Well, not very many ponies know of the magic of friendship,” said Brother Scroll. He looked over at Brother White, who gave him an encouraging nod, “but it’s a magic the same as any.”

“Isn’t magic the stuff that the horners use?”

“Well, actually, y’see, that’s a bit of a misconception,” said Brother Scroll, straightening his spectacles, “a lot of ponies think it’s just the unicorns that have magic, but unicorns just have a different kind of magic. Pegasus ponies and earth ponies have their own magic, too, it’s just not as... sparkly.”

Brother White watched, and he realized - Brother Scroll was really smart. He didn’t know how he could have any kind of doubt in himself. After all, Brother Scroll had actually done research before coming on the mission. If anything, Scroll was more prepared than he was.

“And friendship is its own kind of magic, just kinda different,” continued Scroll, “and if you read this book, you’ll learn all about it.”

“What kind of magic?”

“Well,” Brother Scroll said, “during the Long Night, Twilight Sparkle and her friends harnessed the power of the Elements of Harmony and defeated the evil Nightmare Moon, and restored Princess Luna and... and...” he stopped, seeing the pony’s uninterested expression.

“What we mean, sir,” said Brother White, coming to his friend’s aid, “is that we think that you could really use the information in this book.”

“Based on what, exactly?” asked the green pony, “why do you think we need it.”

“Well, uh...” Brother White swallowed, “we think that your, uh, your town here-”

“Whole island, kinda-”

“Island, yeah,” said Brother White, taking the cue, “that the ponies here have problems and could really stand to learn about the magic of friendship. It’d really help to improve your lives.”

The green pony had run out of patience, “I don’t need some over-privileged horner faggot telling me that I’ve got problems that he can solve.”

“Well, th-that...” Brother Scroll stammered. The green pony looked at him, a condescending eyebrow raised. “Thatthatthatthatthat... that...” Brother Scroll spat out, “is the problem we were talking about.”

“What is?”

“The racism,” Brother Scroll said, “you shouldn’t be calling my friend a ‘horner faggot.’ You don’t even know him. I don’t think you even know any unicorns...”

“I know horners,” snorted the green pony, “I know they come here in their flying castle and rain destruction on our town. You want me to make ‘friends’ with them? No. And you know something else? I’ve fought against ponies like your friend, and they’re all the same - smug little fags with spines like twigs. And your friend is no different.”

“Don’t talk about my friend that way!” said Brother Scroll, his heart beating faster and his rate of breath increasing.

“It’s okay, Scroll,” said Brother White, trying to calm him, “he doesn’t know any better.”

“Shut up,” said the green pony, “fuck you, fuck your horner friend. For that matter, why don’t you two just go back where you came from? I’m sure you can do plenty of fucking there.”

“Hey, we can’t hold up forever!” shouted one of the green pony’s friends.

“I was just leaving...” said the green pony, turning and walking away.

Brother Scroll just stood there, his brow furrowed, shaking, his breathing staggered. “It’s okay...” said Brother White, nuzzling his shoulder, “you’re doing fine...”

“Well... well...” Brother Scroll stammered, “FUCK YOU!”

The green pony and his friends stopped and slowly turned around. Brother Scroll took a step back as the green pony’s eyes locked his.

“Excuse me?” asked the green pony, snorting, his eyes narrowed.

Brother Scroll looked at Brother White, whose expression was completely blank. He looked back at the green pony. “...yeah,” he said, taking a deep breath, “Fuck you...” a smile grew on his face, and he stood up a little straighter and taller. “Fuck you. Fuck you in the ass. Fuck you in the ass. Fuck you in the ass.” The green pony and his friends began to walk up to him, very slowly, but Brother Scroll wasn’t stopping, he was on a roll. “Fuck you in the ass! And then shit it all out into a sock, and then stuff! It! RIGHT back up there again!”

By this point, the green pony was standing there right in front of him, looking down at him.

“...cunt,” finished Brother Scroll quietly, looking at Brother White. The other four ponies followed Scroll’s gaze and all four were looking at the only unicorn on the entire island. The unicorn looked at Scroll, then to the other earth ponies, and then back to Scroll, before finally returning to the intimidating trio.

“Yeah, what he said,” confirmed the unicorn.

By the time Scroll looked back at the green earth pony, he found himself on the ground and in pain. Brother White saw the pony stand on his hind legs and then beat Scroll on the nose with a kick.

“Hey!” Brother White shouted, running in front of the now-floored Brother Scroll, “you’re not doing that to him!”

“Fine by us!” said the green earth pony, as his friends seized Brother White by his front legs and restrained him (“hey!” shouted Brother White). The green pony stood in front of Brother White, and then turned around.

“What’re you...”

THUD!

“Ghh...” Brother White wheezed, as the green bony bucked him, knocking the wind out of him. This was followed by another buck, and another, each one more painful than the last. Brother White could feel as though his ribs were on fire - they’d crack before long.

Brother Scroll, meanwhile, had recovered. The three ponies weren’t paying attention to him - they were all facing away. He looked around, had to act fast. He saw a large crate. That’d have to do. Pulling himself off of the ground, he grabbed the crate in his front hooves, and swung it, catching one of the ponies who was restraining him off-guard. He collapsed with a startled grunt, and Brother Scroll grabbed Brother White, pulling his captor into the way of the green pony’s buck, causing him to finally relinquish his grip.

“Agh! You asshole!” shouted the pony who had just been kicked in the face, both to the missionaries and his green friend.

Brother Scroll, demonstrating a remarkable bit of earth pony strength, tossed Brother White into the wheelbarrow, and while the other three were still recovering, grabbed the wheelbarrow with his front legs and ran on his hind-legs, pushing the wheelbarrow through the town as fast as he possibly could.

“How’d you learn to talk like that?” shouted Brother White.

“I read!” responded Brother Scroll, looking over his shoulder at the three earth ponies who had now given chase, “I know they’re bad words and I’m not supposed to-”

“Fruit stand.”

“Huh?” asked Brother Scroll, not looking in front.

“FRUUUUUIT STAAAAAAAAAAAND!”

Brother Scroll looked ahead, but not before he felt a crash, and an array of apples, oranges, bananas, and everything in-between cascaded around them, along with surprisingly flimsy wood, all of which ended up stuck in their manes.

“Heeeey!” shouted the owner of the fruit stand as the two continued to careen away.

“Tough break, man,” said an earth pony.

“Yeah,” agreed another, who was currently working with the other to carry a large pane of glass. They found themselves no longer carrying the pane of glass, as it had shattered due to three earth ponies charging through it.

“Aww, fuck!” shouted one of them, holding his hoof, “fucking thing cut me!”

“Nevermind that, keep running!” shouted the green one.

“Naw, man, can’t do it, fuck it, we know where they live.”

“You’re gonna need to pay for that, y’know...” said the (much more polite) earth pony who now had to explain to his boss why a pane of glass hadn’t been installed.

“You can stay here and suck your hoof if you want, but I’m running!” shouted the green one, taking off after the missionaries, with his able-bodied friend following.

“We’re gonna have to pay for that!” shouted Brother White.

“Nevermind that, they’re still coming!” shouted Brother Scroll, looking at the two ponies in pursuit. He looked back ahead. It seemed as though the road was starting to slope downward. “Hold on!”

“Huh? What’re you-” But Brother Scroll had jumped into the wheelbarrow. He scrambled towards the front and tried to get a hold on the handle, as the wheelbarrow accelerated down the hill.

“AAAAAAAAAHHHH!” Both of the Brothers shouted in unison, as Brother White threw his front legs around Brother Scroll, who was holding the handle of the wheelbarrow so tightly it was starting to bend. He turned it to steer out of the way of a blissfully unaware pedestrian, but in his fright he moved it too far, causing a very rough turn. The wheelbarrow leaned on its wheels as more books tumbled out, and Brother Scroll steered it the other way to try to stabilize it, and it was only luck that kept them from crashing.

Brother White, meanwhile, saw an opportunity.

One pony was stepping outside of his carpentry shop when he spotted the two blazing down the road in the wheelbarrow. He barely managed to duck as a book whizzed past his head.

“Pleasereadourboooooooooooo...” shouted Brother White as they passed by.

“You sure that’s a good idea?” asked Brother Scroll.

“We’ll get publicity now!” shouted Brother White, not quite understanding how publicity worked. He looked back and saw that the two ponies were still in pursuit. He regretted what had happened - they’d gotten off on the wrong hoof. Maybe, just maybe, he thought. “We’re really sorry!” he said, using his unicorn magic to hold up a book, “but if you’ll just read this-” he threw it at them.

“I-” the green pony’s friend opened his mouth to speak, but the book hit him in the mouth, corner-in. He stopped and backed up, gagging on the book, like he was going to cough up a lung. Sitting down, he managed to grab it with his hooves and pull it out, still hacking and wheezing. He shook an angry hoof at the two missionaries as they left, not having enough air to yell.

White continued pitching books left and right, occasionally cringing as he heard the sound of something breaking.

Brother Scroll turned his neck to look behind, seeing that the green pony was still in hot pursuit.

“How can they run that long?” asked Brother White.

“We’re earth ponies, we last long!” answered Brother Scroll.

“Scroll, keep your eyes ahead!”

“Huh?” Scroll looked in front. They were heading right for a building and there was no way to miss it. “AAAAH!” he threw his forelegs around Brother White, too, and Brother White started screaming as well.

CRASH!

It could have been worse. Miraculously, they managed to hit the door rather than the wall. The door was reduced to splinters, and the two came tumbling into the room. Brother Scroll was flung further in, and his glasses further still.

“Uuuuuuu...” he groaned. He looked up, and he saw a familiar cream-colored pony looking down at him.

“Back again?” Tap asked. They had crashed into the tavern.

“Helloo... My name is Brother Scroll, and I’ll trade you a book for my glasses...” he said, disoriented.

Brother White was also lying on the floor, and he was laughing incoherently, like he’d been told a hilarious joke and hit on the head at the same time.

“Alright, where are the fruity little bastards?” asked the green stallion, walking in alone. “There you are!”

“You two have got to be the worst missionaries ever,” muttered Tap.

“It’s not easy...” groaned Brother White, getting up. He looked at the green pony, “so, how’d you like our book?”

“I liked it a lot,” said the green pony sarcastically, “so much I’m gonna take it and shove it up your ass!”

“Sounds painful...” said Brother White.

Brother Scroll now realized what was going on, and he scrambled to get up. “Look, look man, we’re sorry!” he said frantically, “I didn’t mean anything what I said, about the sock or, or...”

“Spines like twigs,” sneered the green earth pony, “both of you.”

“I think he’s got more of a spine than you,” said Brother White.

“I don’t think I asked for-” but the green earth pony wasn’t able to finish. His mouth seemed to have been forced shut. “Nng!”

Brother White glared at him, his horn glowing, “No, listen to me, because I’m talking,” he said. The earth pony, now realizing that he was under that mysterious “unicorn magic” that he hated so much, backed down.

“I think my friend has more of a spine than you. He stood up to you and your buddies. He stood up to the General, even though he’s scared of all of you. He came here, even though he’s scared of all of you, to help you. And you know something? That’s what real courage is about. Not cussing with a tough guy attitude. I’ll tell you this, if I could only have one other friend in the whole world, I’d have him.” His horn stopped glowing, and the green pony gasped for air. “You got that?”

Tap walked up next to the green pony. “I think you should leave.”

The green pony snorted. “We know where you’re staying, you two faggots!” he said, walking out the door, “We’ll see who fucks who!”

Scroll looked up at White. “Did you... did you really mean that?” he asked.

Brother White smiled at him, “Every word.”

Scroll blushed, looking down at the floor. “Thanks...”

“Hey, don’t act so surprised,” said Brother White, laughing, “I’ve told you from the start: I believe in you. You’re gonna do great. So...” he turned to Tap, picking up one of the books and holding it in front of her, “how’d you like to be Sister Tap?”

“You two really are the worst missionaries ever,” said Tap, “you’re nice colts, though. This place might be better if more were like you. But then, what’d we do when General Storm or General Monarch comes? Can’t exactly just made friends with them.” Spotting Scroll’s glasses, she walked over and picked them up in her mouth. She walked back over to Scroll and placed the glasses onto his face. Scroll blushed, and stammered something about needing to get them cleaned, before walking into the bathroom.

“Poor guy,” she said, “he’s kinda cute with his glasses off, though.”

“Yeah, he is,” agreed Brother White. She gave him a funny look. “What? And what do you mean... more generals?”

“They lead the pegasus ponies and the unicorn ponies.”

“Where are they?” asked Brother White, “we can-”

“They’re not on the island,” said Tap, “they’re flying around somewhere over the ocean.”

“Wait... flying?” asked Brother White, “I imagine that the pegasus ponies have some sort of cloud things, but the unicorns...”

“They built it,” said Tap, “they built a giant, flying fortress.”

“Not surprising,” said Brother Scroll, coming out of the bathroom, “unicorns have always been the inventors - like the fridge. That was invented by unicorns.”

“Fridge?” asked Tap, “What’s that?”

“Keeps things cold,” said Brother White, “we’ve got one at the mission house if you’d like to see.”

“Maybe later,” said Tap, “you broke a door, and I have to fix it.”

“We’re really sorry about that, really,” said Brother White, “we can help.”

“No, really, it’s best if I take care of it myself,” said Tap, inspecting the ruined door, “it’s how I always do things.”

“That’s not how you should,” said Brother White, “we have a better way.”

“More friendship stuff?” asked Tap.

“Yes,” said Brother White, picking the book up again, “now, uhh, where is it...” he flipped through.

“Here,” said Brother Scroll, taking the book and flipping to the correct page, “Dear Princess Celestia, my friend Applejack is the best friend a pony could ever have. She’s always there to help anypony. The only trouble is, when she needs help, she finds it hard to accept it. So while friendship is about giving of ourselves to friends, it’s also about accepting what our friends have to offer. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.” He closed the book, a smile on his face.

“So that’s what your book is about? Letters?” asked Tap.

“Well, there’s the letters, but there’s also stuff - like party tips!” said Brother Scroll, grinning excitedly.

“Maybe later,” said Tap, clearing away the fragments of wood, “you two should leave now - I need to clean up this mess. Just carry on with your... friend-mission.”

“Okay...” said Brother Scroll, walking out slowly.

“You know, you’re free to come to our mission house anytime you like,” said Brother White, before he left. “The door is always open. And you can see our fridge!”

Tap watched as the two missionary ponies left her house. Brother White was carrying on, shouting about how his book would change everypony’s life.

He was standing beneath another window. The window opened, and a pony absentmindedly emptied a chamber pot.

Comments

[Ponyman]

Chamberpots everywhere!

Pretty good so far. Unlike the show, this demonstrates that not everything can be solved with friendship. Reality sucks.

[BrightIdea]

Beat Reality with the MAGIC OF FRIENDSHIP!!!!

[Chip Unicorn]

Mood whiplash!

I appreciate your bawdy sense of humor. And White and Scroll are a great pairing. Even outside MLP:FIM fandom, this story is interesting and fun to read!

[Starwind Dood]

Sir! Every single bit of what I've read so far is awesome. This is a great concept and you are handling it like a pro.

[Blue Thrush]

The wheel barrow chase was quite excellent. I loved Brother White's continued attempts at spreading the good word.

[Midnightshadow]

The first two chapters are painful, they really are, and I almost stopped there. The only thing keeping me reading at that point was to stubbornly prove to myself that I'm not just ditching it because the real-world comparison is highly distasteful to me, but honestly, the first two chapters are terrible. Maybe it's just me, but the humour is hard to get when it's basically visual gags in written form.

However, chapter 3 (despite more visual gags, seemingly out-of-character cussing from a character I don't know well, which strikes me as a strange thing to say) is much better. You've not hit your stride quite yet, but after chapter 3 I finally actually find myself willing to read more.

[RadaVonVon]

FRUIT STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!

ROF fucking L Billy.

[Thunderbug80]

You called Tap "Brother Tap". Oopsies.

That just tells you I'm paying attention.

[TheNaughtyDragon]

i dont think i can read any more of this, its too much. so gonna just stop here and go find something else. and leave this story for the people/ponies tat can handle this kinda um speach. it just gives an uneasy feeling to read it.

[Guy_Incognito]

I'm really starting to think if you replaced words like 'Ponies', 'Hooves', 'Horner' and 'Quake Island' with 'People', 'Hands' 'Immigrants' and 'A Better Portion of The Mid-West' you could publish this as some kind of biting, socially aware satire. I haven't read anything on this site that's made me emote (I laughed, and cried, and grinned, and snickered, then cried some more) like this in a long time.

This is great.