The Book of Friendship

by BillyColt

Chapter 33 (April Fools' Day)

Scroll sat in his terrace, reading a paper and sipping tea from a cup. He set the cup back in the saucer and looked out over the town. Everything seemed to be running smoothly, he thought it would be a fairly uneventful day. A nice thought to have, he decided. It'd be a good day to make sure operations were running smoothly and get things in place should the unicorn general attack.

He snorted. The unicorn general…

His teacup rattled. He looked at it quickly, and then it rattled again, ripples forming in the tea. He sighed. "Not again…"

___________

"Yeah!" shouted Brother Quake as he came down on the floor again, party hat and all. The room shook and the record player seemed to float in the air for a moment, before landing back on the floor, and record apparently resetting.

Brother Monarch looked on with a smirk on his face. "Oh my, the music will go on longer."

"That's flipping fine by me!" said Quake.

Tap stood to the side, giggling. The mission house was bedecked with streamers and decorations, inviting all who would come to a party. However, it seemed to consist solely of Tap, her brother Barrel, and Clip. That didn't seem to dampen anypony's mood.

Tap laughed and joined in with the dancing, nuzzling up to Quake.

"Quake, be careful!" she'll said. "You'll knock half the town down!"

"I suggest you listen to her," said a voice in the door. The dancing stopped.

General Scroll stood there, in full uniform, looking disdainfully at the proceedings. A slightly embarrassed expression on his face, Brother Monarch stopped the record player.

"That's better," said the general. "What is the meaning of-"

"Hey, buddy!" shouted Quake, sweeping up to him and throwing a burly arm around him. "How goes it? Glad you could make it! Take a book!" He said, shoving a book into Scroll's mouth.

Scroll stood there for a moment, and then spat it out.

"General," said Tap, "they were just having a little party."

"I can see that," said Scroll, dusting off his uniform. "And don't call me 'buddy' again."

"Sorry…" said Quake.

"Turn down the music," said Monarch. "Gotcha."

"You'd better," said the general. "Now, there is something else I wanted to attend to…"

Quake and Monarch's ears perked up.

"General White wishes to hold a meeting," said Scroll.

"I don't like him," said Quake.

"Now, Quake…" chided Monarch.

"Well I don't!"

"Will you two simpletons shut up and let me talk?" barked Scroll. "Now then, as the mission house is… neutral territory, as it were, I would like to hold the meeting here."

Quake smiled. "Well, that'll be great. We can make waffles!"

Scroll groaned. "Do what you like," he said, soon realizing that was probably a mistake. "Just make sure everything's in order by the time he arrives. Tap." He looked at her. "I'd like to see you over in my quarters."

Tap nodded. "Sure, I'll head on over after I'm done here."

Scroll left without another word.

"He seems to be in a good mood today," said Monarch.

"Yeah," said Quake. Neither of them said this with a trace of irony.

___________

Scroll looked up and down the row of ballistae. "Got them all ready?" asked Scroll.

"Uh, yes sir," said the soldier. "But… why are we doing this? I thought we weren't attacking."

"We aren't. This is just a contingency."

"Ohhh," said the soldier. "So it's, like, a warning to the unicorns not to mess with us!"

Scroll glared at the soldier. "No," he said. "Threats do not avoid conflict, they merely raise tensions. The unicorns will not know about these. If they do decide to pull something, then we will respond in kind. This is not, however, an act of showboating." He snorted. "I do not share General White's theatric tendencies."

"Yo, Scrolly!" called a voice.

"Oh, no…" said Scroll.

There was a CRASH and Quake burst through the wall.

"There is a door…" said Scroll.

"Sorry, couldn't find it," said Quake. His hoof reached into a pocket in his vest. "Hey, Monarch wrote up a letter and…" He stopped and looked at the ballistae. "What are those?"

"Huh?" asked Scroll.

"They look like wieners."

"They…" Scroll sputtered. He walked up to Quake and snatched the letter. "Give me that!"

Quake still had his attention on the siege engines. "They really look like wieners," he said, nodding thoughtfully.

Scroll ignored him and proceeded to head inside his fortress, reading the letter. Monarch uses too many words, he thought as he approached his bedroom.

Inside, Tap waited at a lavish four-poster bed, with tall bedposts.

"Hey, the bedposts look like wieners, too," said Quake.

Scroll spun around. "Why are you here?"

"You have my letter," said Quake. He looked over at Tap. "Heya, babe."

"Hey, Quake. We gonna play spin the bottle tonight?"

"You bet," said Quake. "By the way, tell me I'm not alone—those bedposts totally look like wieners."

"What is wrong with you?!" asked Scroll.

"Woah, man," said Quake. "No need to get all cranky about it."

Scroll threw the letter at him. "Get out of my castle!" he said. However, he stopped himself from turning around. "And don't break any more walls!"

"Okay, okay," said Quake, leaving the room. "Sheesh."

Scroll sat down on his bed and sighed. Tap, however, regarded the bedposts thoughtfully.

"You know, they do look kinda like dicks."

Then from outside, they heard Quake’s bellowing voice. “The towers look like wieners, too!”

Scroll guffawed disgustedly.

___________

General Scroll stared up at the ceiling. "He's late," he said.

"Mm?" Tap asked, rolling over in the covers.

"There's no word from the soldiers," he said. "Somepony should have knocked. Told me he was here."

"Who?" asked Tap.

"General White."

"Hey, as far as I'm concerned, him not being here is a good thing," said Tap. "He kinda creeps Quake out."

Scroll looked at her. "Huh?"

"They've met, like, twice," said Tap. "Both times he's been all… sauntering up to him. I don't think Quake's comfortable with that."

Scroll grumbled.

"He's probably waiting," said Scroll, pulling himself out of bed. His uniform was precariously draped over the chair by the desk. He approached it and began putting it on. "Just waiting for-"

"GENERAL SCROLL!" called one of the soldiers from outside. "IT'S HERE!"

"Shit!" spat Scroll, before running out.

There, in the sky, floated General White's fortress: the Fabulous Palace.

It was two smaller, round islands merged together at the base, supporting a huge, straight white tower. It stood, erect and proud, floating over the island. The ponies gazed up, slack-jawed at the sight of it.Scroll stood and looked up at it. Just staring and staring and staring.

"Hey, Genny," said Quake. "You look, uh, real fascinated up there."

"What?" asked Scroll, broken out of his daze.

"Mission house is all ready," said Quake.

"Good," said Scroll, marching up there.

The Fabulous Palace floated over the island. All the ponies there held their breath, just waiting to see what would happen. Soldiers gripped their guns, mothers hid their children, etc.

General Scroll looked up at the tower, floating its way over the island.

And Brother Quake's words rang in his ears: "It all looks like weiners."

"Sir?" asked one soldier. Scroll just continued to stare up at the tower. "Sir?"

"I hate everything," said Scroll.

He made his way to the mission house, where the missionaries were scrambling to get the seats lined up around the table.

"Good," said Scroll. "I see you eventually got around to it."

"Hey," said Monarch, "I take great pride in my organizational abilities."

General Scroll sighed and walked over to the table, taking a stand next to it and facing the door.

Soon enough, General White burst in, wearing a pink feather boa around his neck so tightly one would think it was going to strangle him.

"Hello!" he announced. "I see you were courteous enough to accept my proposal!"

Scroll kept a stony face as White turned his attention to Brother Quake.

"Ah," said White, sauntering up to Quake, "I see we get to enjoy the company of our fine Brothers from the Fraternity." He looked up at Quake's face. "You certainly are a tall, strong one, aren't you?"

Scroll cleared his throat. "Ahem."

White turned around, and Quake visibly relaxed. White approached Scroll, and the two stared at each other for a moment.

Quake leaned over to Monarch.

"Hey," Quake whispered, "are they gonna…?"

"Hush."

White spun around, putting his feather boa around Quake's neck. Quake's eyes bulged and his tongue stuck out, as though the boa were strangling him. "You stay right there, handsome," he said, before turning back to Scroll.

The two generals took opposite sides of the table. Scroll with a stern, stony-faced expression, and White with a sly smirk. They slowly sat down.

"So," said Scroll.

"Soooo…" said White, tracing a circle on the table with his hoof. "Have you accepted my terms yet?"

"Meaning?"

"Unconditional surrender, of course!" said White.

Scroll was silent for a moment. "You flew all the way out here for this. To make a demand you knew I wouldn't accept."

"I can always hope," said White. He then began regarding his hoof. "Besides, I felt that having a walk through the stink of your little island would make my shower tonight all the more refreshing."

"Wow," said Brother Monarch. "That's a special kind of insult."

“I’m sure you can appreciate it,” said General White.

"I could have had you shot on sight," said Scroll. "Awful big risk of you to take just to insult me."

"But oh so worth it," said White.

"Dooooes anyone want tea?" asked Brother Monarch. "I put a pot on in the kitchen."

The generals looked at him.

"Earth pony tea?" asked General White, dubiously.

"We'll take it," said Scroll.

"Very well," said Monarch, turning to the kitchen despite a desperate, pleading look from Quake.

Quake, however, needn't have been worried about being alone in the room with them, as White simply turned back to General Scroll.

"I do think you should give it some thought," said White.

"There's nothing to think about," said Scroll. "Insults are not proposals."

"Might want to think about that wording…" said Quake.

"Oh, General Scroll, how short-sighted," said White. "Surely you can see the benefit. None of your ponies will have to live here on this island. They can come and live in my fabulous palace." He smiled. "You, too."

Brother Monarch emerged with the cups of tea.

"To what end?" asked Scroll.

"Oh, just to be productive members of our society," said General White, nodding politely as Monarch set the teacups on the table. "Making the Palace stand tall, proud…"

"Wording, guys…" said Quake.

"Firm!"

"WORDING!"

White chuckled and took a sip. Scroll, however, seemed nonplussed.

"I don't see why you can't all come inside," said White, admiring his teacup.

"Wo… oh, forget it…" said Quake.

"How are you enjoying your tea?" asked Monarch.

"It's delightful," said Brother White. "How nice to have a unicorn on the job. The refreshment is always welcome."

Quake, at this moment, saw an opportunity. "You know, I'm going to make waffles."

And with that, he barged into the kitchen before General White could object.

As soon as he got in there, he frantically unwrapped the feather boa from around his neck and tossed it on the counter, letting out a great big sigh.

"You should probably put that back on," said Monarch, walking into the kitchen. "When you go back out."

"He creeps me out," said Quake.

"I've noticed," said Monarch. "I wouldn't be too worried about it."

"Well, of course you wouldn't," said Quake.

"Meaning?" asked Monarch, eye raised.

"Well, uh…" Quake fumbled. "How would you react it Tap started hitting on you?"

"What do you mean 'if'?"

Quake's head thunked onto the counter. Monarch peered over at him and chuckled.

“Oh, some of your straight ponies,” he said. “‘I’m totally fine with coltcuddlers, just as long as they don’t hit on me.’”

“For one thing, most ponies who say that don’t tend to actually get hit on,” said Quake, lifting his face from the counter (which now sported a nasty-looking dent). “And second, it’s not that it’s a stallion hitting on me, it’s that the stallion is General White. He wrapped…” He looked over at the feather boa. “That around my neck!”

“Hey, I think you should be flattered,” said Monarch. Quake grumbled as he mixed pancake batter, opening the waffle iron. “After all, he isn’t an unattractive unicorn.”

“I’m more concerned with the fact he’s a nutty psycho who wants to do me up the butt,” said Quake.

“Actually,” said Monarch, “it looks like he’s more interested in bottoming.”

“IdonotneedtheseimagesinmyheadMonarch.”

Monarch backed off. “Okay, okay, sorry,” he said.

Quake sighed and poured the batter into the iron. “Those two generals, I swear…”

“They’ve got this massive fixation on wieners,” he said. “I mean, you been over at Scroll’s place lately? He’s got ‘em everywhere.”

Monarch raised his eyebrow.

“And White, well…” Quake gestured vaguely in the outside direction. “The, uh… ‘Falace.’”

Monarch looked at the waffle iron, his brow furrowed in deep thought. Quake looked at him.

“Monarch?” he asked. “What are you…?”

“I think I have an idea.”

___________

Scroll and White continued their bickering well through the generous helpings of waffles, with White making various snide remarks and Scroll struggling to resist the urge to punch him in the smug, stupid face.

After a while, Brother Monarch stepped out, smiling.

“We’re pleased that you’ve both chosen to spend your afternoon here,” he said. “And we’re particularly honored to receive the presence of General White.”

Scroll shot him an annoyed glare. White, on the other hand, looked over appreciatively.

“And, in honor of the general’s visit,” continued Monarch, looking straight at White, “we graciously wish to invite you spend the night.”

Scroll looked at Monarch like he had just asked to be shot in the face. White’s expression, however, was intrigued, and a little suspicious. That is, until Monarch added, “You can sleep in Brother Quake’s bed.”

Scroll opened his mouth. “What are you—”

“Very well!” said White, beaming. “I accept!”

The room shook slightly. White grabbed the table and looked around, alarmed. “What was that?” he asked.

Scroll sighed and adjusted his glasses. “I think it was Brother Quake shuddering.”

___________

Later, in the tavern, Quake, Monarch, and Tap crowded around a table, as Monarch detailed his plan.

“So,” said Tap, rolling her hoof on the table and smirking deviously, “we wait until White’s asleep, and then we do him in!”

“Yes,” said Quake. Then he did a double take. “Wait, what? No!” He yelped in an oddly high-pitched voice. “We’re not killing him!”

“Okay, okay, sheesh…” said Tap, picking up her mug. “Big guy like you just has to be a pacifist...”

“I had a lot of therapy for anger issues as a foal…” admitted Quake. “Besides… it’s my bed. I have to sleep in the darn thing.”

“I do not want to wash bloodstains out of the bedsheets again,” agreed Monarch. “No, we’re doing something different. You see, we need to get Scroll in bed with him.”

Tap raised an eyebrow.

“Monarch and I have noticed that the generals have some, well,” said Quake, “tension.”

“Sexual tension,” Monarch specified. “We’re thinking if we can get them… together.”

“It might help ease relations between the earth ponies and unicorns,” explained Quake. “I mean…” He looked up at the ceiling. “The Falace is still here. If those two can get along…”

“Very along,” said Monarch, bobbing his eyebrows.

“It could help the ponies see that they can get along,” finished Quake. “And, well, failing that, at least it’d be funny.”

“Though that does raise the question,” said Monarch, resting his chin on his hoof. “How do we get Scroll into bed with him?”

Tap smiled and raised a glass to her mouth. “Leave that to me.”

___________

Scroll grunted loudly as he entered Tap’s room. “I hate that unicorn.”

“Who?” asked Tap, lying on her bed. “White or Monarch?”

Scroll grumbled and started to furiously unfasten the buttons on his uniform. “Both,” he said. “I absolutely hate…” A button popped off. “Those…” Another button popped off. “Fucking…” Another button. “Unicorns!”

He threw his shirt off over the edge of the bed. Tap, however, leaned over to her nightstand and opened a drawer, taking out a bottle.

“What’s that?” asked Scroll.

“Some of my special moonshine,” said Tap, yanking the bottle out with her teeth. “What some?” She held it out to him.

___________

“Is something wrong?” asked General White. “You seem a little tense.”

Brother Quake lay in his bed, under the covers, his body clenched up, with General White laying next to him.

“Well,” he muttered, “I feel a little tense.”

General White and snuggled up next to him. “Can’t imagine how you can sleep like that.”

Quake gulped. “Neither can I…”

White hummed softly. “So, Brother Quake” he said, “what do you think of my Fabulous Palace?”

“Uhh…” Quake’s mind went blank. He knew he had to choose his words very, very carefully, something he wasn’t sure he could do. Monarch was always the one who had a knack for talking to ponies. Think back to the therapy, Quake, he thought, use neutral or positive wording. “It’s, uh… big,” he said at length. “Impressive?”

“Mm…” hummed White. “Yes, I think it is.”

Tap, please hurry…

___________

“You like it?” asked Tap as Scroll finished off the bottle. “Quake loves the stuff. For a guy who comes from the land of no booze, he can hold his liquor.”

“Don’t talk to me about Quake,” said Scroll, adjusting his glasses from their lopsided position. He slammed the bottle on the nightstand, leaving it precariously on the edge. “He thinks he’s so great…” He slouched on the bed. He looked over at Tap. “And you fuck him,” he said, his voice hurting a bit. “What’s so great about him?”

“Well…” Tap thought, “he’s nice, he’s fun, he’s got big muscles…”

“Hmph…” said Scroll. “I could get big muscles too if I worked out…”

Tap patted him on the shoulder. “There, there…”

___________

“You should come over to my fabulous palace…” said White, his eyes closed and his arms around Quake. “You’d like it there…”

Quake, meanwhile, was sweating something furious and staring at the door. Somepony help me… he thought desperately.

___________

“Whaz he got that I dun?” asked Scroll, lying flat on his back. There were two empty bottles next to him. “I’z a cazzle. Maybe it’s not as big azziz…”

“Wording…” muttered Tap.

“He things he’s soooooo great…” Scroll slurred, impotently waving a hoof. “With his fuggin’... Fablus Plaz…” He took a deep breath. “That’s a stupid name… I’ll make it bigger…” His voice trailed off.

Tap watched him for a minute as he lay there. “Scroll?” she asked, gently prodding him. “General Scroll? You there?” She looked over to the closet. The door opened slightly, and Brother Monarch peered out.

“Is he asleep?” he asked.

“Or dead,” said Tap. She lowered her head to his chest. “No, he’s alive. Just plastered so hard he won’t wake up for a while.”

“Good, good,” said Monarch, walking up the the side of his bed. His horn lit up, and Scroll’s limp, sleeping body rose into the air. “Now for the final part.”

___________

General White had fallen fast asleep, his arms around Brother Quake, who was still wide awake and feeling thoroughly miserable with himself. The door opened and in walked Tap and Brother Monarch.

“Did it work?” Quake whispered.

“Like a charm,” said Monarch, revealing the floating, still-sleeping form of General Scroll.

“Then please get me outta here!”

“Shhh…” said Tap. “Can’t blow it.”

Monarch carefully used his magic to pry White’s legs off of the hapless missionary, allowing Quake to slip out of bed. There was a slight pause as Quake had to make sure that the bed suddenly rising didn’t wake him.

After Quake was out of the bed, Monarch slipped Scroll under the covers, placing White’s hooves around him. White hummed softly as he tightened his grip.

The three of them, relieved, took a step out of the mission house. Monarch and Tap seemed mighty pleased, though Quake was still a little out of it.

“That was the worst experience of my life…” he said. Tap laughed and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Well, things will start to get better, I think,” said Monarch, “if my assumption is correct, this could lead to a wonderful relationship.”

“And if not,” said Tap, shrugging, “well, at least it’ll be funny. General White looked awfully happy.”

Quake stuck his tongue out. “If it gets him off of my back, I’ll be happy.”

“Actually,” said Tap thoughtfully, “given the way White generally acts, I think he wanted you on his back.”

“That’s what I said!” said Monarch.

Quake stood there silently for a moment and groaned. “Not while I’m this tired.”

Tap nudged his leg. “Come on,” she said, leading the two down the road. “You can spend the night over at my place. I’ll fix us all a nightcap.”

“Sounds good to me,” said Brother Monarch.

And with that, they retreated down the road to Tap’s tavern, leaving the Generals to their own devices in the mission house.

Author's Note:

Heh. Sorry to disappoint. Been wanting to do this. It's a little late, but hey, there's five and a half hours left in the day!

Obviously not my most polished work (I got even lazier on descriptions and things that aren't dialogue than usual), but if it gets a few chuckles I'll be more or less happy with it.

Happy April Fool's Day!

Comments

[Sound Wave]

All the while my face was all "Wat...o_o Wat..O_o WAT!? O_O Wat!? XD"

[kittychat47]

This is probably the most hilarious april fool's stunt I've seen all day.

[Tall Tales]

I was expecting Tap to be the Pegasus General to complete whole set. That said, this is fuggin' hilarious. :D WORDING IS VERY IMPORTANT!
(And I just realized I could make a "I'd Tap That" pun with Tap.)

[CaxmtheNobody]

I know this is tied to april fools but can you leave this chapter here on the site even after April fools come to an end today?

[Fishberry]

I was so confused!

[Midnightshadow]

I... wait... what... but... what... and... what...

[Tall Tales]

4173243
Th-that sounds amazing. It's okay. Just the image of it is enough.

[BillyColt]

4173261 Huh. I don't know why I decided to delete that comment.

Heh. Maybe sometime I'll write up a scene.

[The Human Tau]

Whatwhatwhatwhat

[Xuncu]

DICKS EVERYWHERE

[Fishberry]

Wow it's been a while. What's happening with this story? I sorely want to see this updated. It's one of a hooffull of stories I'm really engrossed in.

[BillyColt]

4549852 It's in progress. I've just been a bit sidetracked because I'm taking summer classes and they're a bit hectic. Those end on July 2nd, though, so I should be able to regularly resume my writing schedule. I'm hoping to get some more in this week after I have a couple midterms on Wednesday.

The next chapter will be covering White's end of things.

[Ebony Gryphon]

Initial reaction: No Scroll, White, no.Unless one of you is in fact a Black Flag specialist, avoid the island like anything Nancy Pelosi attends, and leave its colorful collection of right and proper cnts to their inevitable and well earned self destruction

[Yami Vizzini]

At the end I started to hear drunk Scroll's lines in drunk Button Mash's voice.