Episode 2: Hey Carrot (Carrot/Ditzy)
"Hey Carrot! Carrot! Hey, hey, wake up, Carrot wake up!" Ditzy said as she shook the sleeping mare.
For the past twenty minutes Ditzy had attempted to wake her sleeping friend, but she hadn’t managed to do so, no matter how many times she tried. Her first attempt to wake Carrot up produced only a mumble for five more minutes from the sleeping mare, and the second attempt fared no better, and Ditzy had almost received a swift hoof to the jaw for her efforts.
Ditzy realized that these tactics were useless, and that she would have to find another way to wake her friend up. However, time was not on her side. Though it was the weekend, a mail mare’s work was never done and she had letters to deliver. She hoped that Carrot would be awake when she returned, but she didn't count on it.
When Ditzy left the house she checked to make sure she had locked the door. She then slung the mail bag over her neck and was about to head off towards the mail office until she was stopped by a mint green unicorn known as Lyra.
"Oh Ditzy, you dog, sneaking out early so nopony catches on to where you've been?" asked Lyra with a sly wink.
Ditzy was confused as to what ponies would catch her doing. It wasn’t like her delivering the mail was a secret. "I don't know what you're talking about. I wasn't sneaking; I was delivering the mail like I always do, Lyra." Ditzy said innocently.
Lyra eyed the mare. It was hard to tell if Ditzy was lying or not. Ditzy's eyes could never betray her, as they never seemed to be with her. However, Lyra was sure something was up.
"Sure you're not sneaking, you're just leaving Carrot’s house at six in the morning. This is completely normal for you." She finished with another wink.
"Why do you keep doing that?" asked Ditzy, concerned with her friends’ behavior.
"Doing what?" Answered Lyra, genuinely confused.
"Winking. You keep winking after each sentence. Do you have something in your eye?" she said eyeing Lyra and waiting for it to happen again.
"I don't know what you're talking about. We were just talking about how you’re leaving Carrot Top’s house at six in the morning completely non-suspiciously." She said finishing with another wink.
"There!" Ditzy shouted as she pointed a hoof accusingly at the unicorn. "You did it again."
Lyra was finally beginning to understand. Ditzy really and truly didn't get what she had been hinting at. Maybe she wasn't doing what Lyra had thought she had been doing. However, the larger portion of her mind happened to be the perverted portion, which had decided that Carrot and Ditzy had been doing what she believed they had been doing and no force could make her change her mind.
Lyra placed a hoof around Ditzy's neck. "Don't worry Ditzy, I won't tell anypony about you and Carrot Top, your secret’s safe with me." She said winking once again.
"What do you mean, secret!? How is me living with her a secret?" Ditzy said, growing annoyed. At this point all she wanted to do was get the mail and deliver it, but apparently Lyra had other plans.
"You're already living with her?! Don't you think you're moving this relationship a little bit too fast?" Lyra was stunned. She had never seen a relationship move quite this fast before.
Finally Ditzy began to understand what Lyra had been getting at. If it wasn't for her gray coat, the embarrassment that covered her face would have turned it a brilliant shade of red.
"I-It's not like that." stammered Ditzy "I'm just staying with Carrot until my house is rebuilt, we’re not in a relationship."
Now it was Lyra's turn to feel embarrassed. She had assumed that two of her friends were dating on the assumption that one of them was sneaking out of the other’s house.
Wait, did she say ‘till her house was rebuilt’? Lyra asked herself, before returning her gaze to the wobbly eyed mare.
"What happened to your house?" queried Lyra, concerned for her friend.
"Oh, I blew it up." answered Ditzy, returning to her calm and happy self.
"Wait, you blew your house up!?" Lyra was stunned. How does a pony go about blowing their house up in the middle of the night and not let everypony in town know? Better yet why hadn’t she heard the blast?
Ditzy laughed and replied "You know, you sound just like Carrot did last night. Before you ask, it was a science experiment gone wrong, and yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking."
"What do you mean science? How does somepony blow up their house doing a science experiment?!"
Ditzy sighed and said "Well, it looks like I'm going to be late again. Okay then Lyra, sit down and I'll tell you the whole story."
Both Lyra and Ditzy took a seat on the closest bench, and then Ditzy began to recount the events of the previous day. She went into great detail on how she made the perfect batch of muffins. She even told Lyra details she had left out when she had told Carrot Top what had happened to her. The main detail was that Ditzy had been the one to cause the melt down in an attempt to save Equestria from the radioactive monstrosity of a muffin she had created.
Several minutes later, Ditzy had finished telling her story and was ready to go to work. She gave Lyra a quick hug before trotting off, happily humming to herself.
Lyra opened the door to her cottage and walked back in, as she passed through the kitchen she bumped into Bon-Bon.
"Hey honey, back from your walk already?" asked the cream colored earth pony.
Lyra just nodded with a disturbed expression, her face pale, as if she had just seen some unspeakable horror. She continued past Bon-Bon and into their room.
I wonder what's gotten into her. Bon-Bon asked herself, and then shrugged as she picked up her saddle bags and left for work. She must be tired, Bon-Bon thought to herself, the two of them had had a pretty late night.
However, the thing that had caused the sudden shift in Lyra's mood was not a lack of sleep, but instead the knowledge that Ditzy had almost vaporized Ponyville while attempting to bake a batch of muffins. Though the shock she felt would eventually pass, she would always have that nagging fear in the back of her mind. But for now, all Lyra wanted to do was try and forget the morning.
Elsewhere in Ponyville, Ditzy had reached the mail office. The mare felt quite proud of herself. Despite all of the distractions, she arrived at work on time with an extra five minutes to spare.
"Morning Ditzy." Said the older red mare at the desk.
"Good Morning Postage, what do you have for me today?" Ditzy responded happily, and then placed her mail bag on the desk.
The red mare ducked out of view and entered the back room. After a couple of minutes of rummaging around, the mare returned with a small group of letters and a single package.
"This is all there is Ditzy, apparently it's a slow morning. You've got three letters to deliver, the first letter goes to Cake's, the second goes to the Apple family and the final letter is for you."
At this news Ditzy became excited. Sure, she delivers the mail every day, but it was extremely rare for her to receive mail. She tore the letter open like an excited filly opening a gift, but instead of receiving a letter from friends or family, or even a secret admirer like she had hoped, she instead got a mocking letter from the universe. Ditzy continued to eye the letter, a look of annoyance covering her face.
"So, what does it say?" asked Postage, obviously concerned by Ditzy's reaction.
"It's a letter about my cottage insurance, apparently because I've been with them for so long they’re lowering their price." she replied flatly.
"Well that sucks; they lower your insurance rate after your house explodes."
Ditzy nodded and said "Wait, I never said anything about my house exploding. Who told you?" She was confused by the mare’s knowledge as to what had occurred the day before.
Postage laughed and joked "Ditzy, your house exploded. You live across the street from me, how could I have not noticed?"
Ditzy laughed, responding with "Of course, that makes sense now that I think about it. So then so who’s the package for?"
"Oh, I had almost forgotten the package!" Postage said with a chuckle as she placed it on the counter. "That goes to Carrot Top. Apparently it's a new alarm clock. You remember where everypony lives, correct?"
Ditzy nodded, replying "You ask me that everyday and I've been doing this job for six years now, and I've lived in Ponyville for almost all my life. The Apple family is at Sweet Apple Acres. The Cake's are at Sugarcube corner." She finished with a smile, obviously pleased with herself.
"And what about Carrot Top?" asked Postage.
"I'm staying with her, so I'll drop it off when I'm done my deliveries."
With a wave goodbye, Ditzy was off. Her first stop was Sweet Apple Acres, but as she made her way through Ponyville she decided to make a quick detour past her old house. Though it brought up some sad emotions in Ditzy, she didn't let it get her down. She knew that her belongings could be replaced and that she could easily obtain new copies of photos from her friends and family. The best part of the whole thing though was still her fridge. The Princess had promised to pay for the damages and help rebuild, which meant Ditzy. would get her fridge refilled for free.
Score she thought to herself as she continued to fly through the air.
Ditzy finally arrived at the rubble that had once been her house, yet only one thought went through her mind. Damn, I survived that. The thought put a smile on her face. Her friends used to crack jokes about how easily hurt she was, though they never said it to hurt her feelings. Ditzy knew quite well how easily hurt she was, especially after the time she tripped while delivering some books and managed to break a wing. However, this time Ditzy had won. She'd survived a small nuclear meltdown and came out only mildly unscathed. Sadly for the house, it had not survived.
As Ditzy searched through the rubble for any of her belongings that she might be able to salvage, she noticed something light brown sitting under a broken table. The area in which the object sat she recognized as what was once the kitchen. Ditzy approached the object slowly, eventually realizing what it was. The muffin abomination she had created last night.
"That's not possible." Ditzy said aloud, panic thick in her voice. "I killed you, there’s no way you could survive."
Ditzy stared at The Muffin.
The Muffin stared back.
The Muffin slowly began to move towards Ditzy, and the mare began to panic. As the creature grew closer, it began to emit a low gurgling sound from what could only described as its horrific mouth. Ditzy backed away from the muffin as slowly as possible. However, it did not halt, and though it appeared to be blind it knew where Ditzy stood.
"Feed me, Seymour!" gurgled the creature.
Ditzy screamed and ran. What had she done? How would she explain this to everypony? How would she kill it? These were all thoughts that rushed through Ditzy's head as she fled for her life, though these thoughts were quickly interrupted as she slammed into a large red stallion.
Ditzy didn't think. She quickly got back to her feet, and prepared to run again. It was only when the stallion stood back up that she realized who it was.
"Oh, Big Macintosh, I'm sorry I didn't see you." Ditzy said trying her best to remain calm, though she knew the hell muffin was probably hot on her trail.
"It's alright, nopony was hurt." the large stallion said as he picked Ditzy's bag up for her. "Why are you in such a hurry anyways?"
Ditzy didn't know what to say. She couldn't just tell somepony that a demonic muffin, which she had created, was now hunting her.
"Oh! I just have a lot of mail to deliver today, that's all." Ditzy said as her eyes shifted in all directions, including some that could be considered physically impossible.
"Really? Because I only count two letters and a package, unless some of them blew away.” Big Mac finished as he passed the package back to Ditzy and went to pick up the letters. "Wait a second, this one here is for me." He said as he passed the remaining letter to Ditzy and began to open his.
"Ah, it’s just another delivery notice." Big Mac said with only a hint of sadness in his voice.
"You waiting for another letter from your mare friend?" Asked Ditzy with a sly smile and doing her best to keep her eyes locked on him.
"Eeeyup, I'd sent her a letter a few days ago and hoped she'd responded by now." sighed Big Mac.
"Cheer up, If I get any letters for you I'll get them to you as fast as I can." She said as she placed a comforting hoof on Big Mac’s shoulder.
"Thank you Ditzy that, means a lot to m-" Big Mac was cut off by the echoed scream of another pony. "What was that!?" the startled Stallion asked.
Ditzy turned to Big Mac, her terror smeared across her face. She'd forgot why she had been running and now it had caught up to her. "Run Big Mac, get to the farm and lock the doors. I'll find away to stop it."
Now Big Mac was never one to run, but a mutated muffin is enough to scare almost any pony. A first Bic Mac had held his ground but when it turned to him and growled something in him snapped and he ran.
It was now or never Ditzy thought, she had brought this monster into the world and she would be the one to take it out. Ditzy dug her hooves into the ground, she had ran from it earlier but this time she wouldn't budge.
The Muffin growled and bared its fang. Ditzy didn't budge instead she spread her wings in an attempt to assert her dominance over the doughy demon. The Muffin backed away and Ditzy was sure she had won. That gleam of hope was quickly crushed when eight spider like legs shot out from underneath the creature.
"Feed me, Seymour!" it screeched at the terrified gray mare.
"Never mind." Ditzy said as she took off into the air. Ditzy had decided that it would be better if someone else dealt with the abomination bellow. Besides, it was a muffin, what’s the worst it could do?
Several minutes later, Ditzy arrived at Sugarcube Corner. It appeared that this portion of town had been completely unaffected by the Hell Muffin, as ponies went happily about their business. Ditzy felt relieved. Maybe it would just wander out of town and into the forest. But, just in case, she would ask the cakes how to destroy a muffin, as the information might come in handy later.
Ditzy entered the sweets shop, ready to finish her deliveries and head home. Once she was inside, she noticed how empty it was, no pony was working the register and there was no sign of anypony browsing.
"Hello? Is anypony home?" Ditzy asked nervously. After several seconds of silence, Ditzy began to panic. What if the muffin was already here? What if it ate the Cakes? What if this was a trap? Ditzy's thoughts were interrupted by movement behind the pastry rack.
"Hi! Welcome to Sugarcube Corner." Shouted the pink pony as she shot out from behind the counter. Ditzy screamed and dived behind the bread rack.
Pinkie Pie peaked her head over the counter. "Sorry if I scared you, I just got so excited! You’re our first customer of the day! So I thought I would surprise you!" The hyperactive mare said this happily, as she always did. "So what are you here to buy? Cakes? Cupcakes? Oh wait! We just finished a batch of your favorite blueberry muffins!"
At the mention of muffins, Ditzy flinched and ducked back beneath the counter.
"What's wrong Ditzy? I thought you loved muffins." The pink pony asked. Maybe Ditzy was hiding something. Maybe she wasn't really Ditzy... Maybe she was an alien disguised as Ditzy!
"What did you do with the real Ditzy?!?" Shouted a panicked Pinkie pie.
Ditzy cautiously rose from behind the counter "I like muffins, it's just..." Ditzy paused. Maybe it was best if she didn't tell Pinkie Pie what had happened.
"It's just what, Ditzy?" Asked Pinkie, eager to find out what was wrong with one of her friends. "No matter what's wrong, you can always tell Pinkie Pie."
Ditzy laughed. "This might sound crazy, but for the past hour an evil muffin has been trying to kill me." she finished with a nervous chuckle.
Pinkie Pies mane began to deflate as if it were a balloon that had sprung a leak. Her voice lost it's joy and took on a more serious tone "Did you say an evil muffin was chasing you?" Pinkie asked in a cold and emotionless voice.
Ditzy nodded, terrified by the pink mare’s sudden change in behavior and appearance.
Pinkie Pie turned to the kitchen door and stuck her head inside, saying "Mr. Cake, I'm going to have to take the rest of the morning off." With that, she turned back to Ditzy and reached under the table.
Mr. Cake exited the kitchen and said "What for, Pinkie?"
Ditzy turned back to Pinkie Pie and was stunned by what she saw. The pink mare had pulled a shotgun out from underneath the counter and was now standing on her back legs.
"I've got a Muffin to kill." she said as she cocked the shotgun and dived out the the window.
Mr. Cake and Ditzy were left in stunned silence, as neither of them were quite sure what had just happened. Mr. Cake was the first to snap out of his shock and attempted to return any form of normality to the shop.
"So Ditzy, what brings you here this morning? Are you here to shop, or do you have some mail?"
Ditzy finally snapped back to reality. "Oh, I've got a letter for you." she said as she opened her mail bag and retrieved the letter.
Mr. Cake’s face seemed to brighten up with that news. "Oh, this must be the order for the next Gala." He tore the top of the envelop off and began to read. From his expression, it seemed he had gotten his wish. "This is great news" he said happily. "How about you take a snack with you, as a thank you from me. It also might help you forget what just happened." he finished with a weaker, somewhat sheepish smile.
Several minutes later, Ditzy was on her way home with a full belly and a newfound fear of Pinkie Pie. As Ditzy approached home, she noticed that none of the lights were on, a telltale sign that Carrot was still asleep. Ditzy slowly made her way up stairs carefully attempting to avoid the creaky stairs. She quietly made her way to Carrot's room where sure enough she was still soundly asleep. Now Ditzy's plan went into motion, she placed the new alarm clock a top Carrots nightstand and set the alarm for five minutes. With phase one of her plan set she cranked the volume and snuck back out.
Pleased with herself, Ditzy decided she would take a nap. Ditzy hung her mail bag up on the back of a chair and laid down on the living room couch. Just as Ditzy was about to fall asleep there was a knock at the door. With an annoyed sigh, Ditzy stood up and headed for the door. The knocking continued as she crossed the kitchen.
"I'm coming, I'm coming." said the annoyed pony as she reached the door.
The moment Ditzy opened the door, she regretted ever getting up from bed that morning, for at the door stood the muffin. It stared up at Ditzy, and Ditzy stared back. At this point Ditzy just didn't care anymore. She closed her eyes and braced herself for a fluffy death. But it never came. Instead of death, the Muffin stared at Ditzy.
"Feed me, Seymour!" it gurgled once again at her.
Ditzy looked down as the Muffin began to climb her leg. She knew what was coming. But once again she was wrong. Instead of attacking her, the muffin had climbed onto her back.
"Feed me, Seymour!" it said again, this time in a clearer voice.
"Feed you?" asked the confused mare.
The Muffin nodded and sat down on her back.
Ditzy was stunned. Had this thing been following her all day just for food? If that was the case, Ditzy felt quite stupid. She had destroyed her house in an attempt to kill a muffin, and not an evil muffin like she had thought. It was just a hungry muffin, looking for some food.
"Fine." Ditzy said, now too tired to even think about fighting the creature.
The creature let out a happy squeal as Ditzy carried it to the kitchen. Once there, Ditzy placed it on the table and got it a bowl of cereal. Though she was not sure what a muffin would eat, she just assumed that since everypony likes cereal, a muffin would also like cereal. Luckily for her, she guessed right. After finishing two more bowls of cereal, the Creature let out a ghastly burp.
Ditzy stared at the creature. "So, what do I call you?" she asked the small creature.
"Feed me, Seymour!" The creature said once again.
Ditzy was surprised. There was no way this thing could still be hungry, but what it had said gave her a great idea for a name.
"How about Seymour? Do you like that name?"
Ditzy took the creature’s happy squeal as a sign that it had approved of the name.
"So Seymour, what do we do now?" she asked as she looked up at the clock on the wall. Ditzy noticed the time. 7:59. she knew she was forgetting something, but she couldn't tell what. The sudden and blaring alarm that shook the house quickly reminded her. After several seconds of covering her ears and the house shaking, it finally stopped, just as suddenly as it had started.
"Ditzy Doo!" Came the yells of an extremely angry mare from upstairs
By the time Carrot Top had gotten down stairs Ditzy was long, the front door still wide open. After closing the door Carrot returned to the kitchen.
"At least Ditzy left me some breakfast." She said to herself as she approached the muffin on the table hungrily. To Carrot’s horror, the muffin stood up and turned to face her.
"Feed me, Seymour!" was the last thing Carrot heard before she fainted.
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Oh dear lord that cracked me up
I can tell this story is going to get CCRRRAAAZZYY
Also Seymour is best muffin.
Yay I'm an editor! =D
115626
And a damn good one at that
MUFFINZ!
Pinkie is out to kill the Evil Muffin of Doom! Priceless!javascript:smilie('
');
117850
Poor Seymour, he'll never see her coming.
Rainbow My iPod deleted your The Thing comment, I'm so sorry.
The second I read the part with Pinkie I put my nook down and made an account here just to compliment you.
Seriously, I'm loving the comedy in this. Not only that but it gives me an epic idea; one that I probably won't be able to do for some time due to some restrictions from my life, but I'll contact you when I get around to it.
138869 Can't wait to hear what you got
So yeah I made an account to comment here and well here I go
-There are a few typos and some parts that seem to have missing words for example"By the time Carrot Top had gotten down stairs Ditzy was long" and that's it, maybe you meant and Ditzy was long gone?.
-You should try avoid using Ditzy so much like for example"The moment Ditzy opened the door, she regretted ever getting up from bed that morning. For at the door stood the muffin. It stared up at Ditzy, and Ditzy stared back. At this point Ditzy just didn't care anymore. She closed her eyes and braced herself for a fluffy death. But it never came. Instead of death, the Muffin stared at Ditzy" maybe try using other words to refer to her?.
Great idea, needs some polishing but you're on the road keep up the writing
Oh by the way I'm tracking you now
YAY for little shop of horrors! surprised no one pointed it out... suppose cause it's so obvious
219954
I don't know what you're talking amount.
you should keep working on this its EPIC!
Not bad, although it can use some spit and polish. Keep up the good work.
You said you were going to work on your older stories. This is still on hiatus. Explanation?
So much win.
Very well, this is amusing and interesting and what not.
Another hilarious story. Man, I just love your stuff. Sure, the bad grammar is annoying to trawl through, but the jokes easily make up for it- your stories are some of the only ones that can get me to laugh out loud. Heck, I almost always refuse to read something with bad grammar- your work is the exception.
Well done.
1511154
Christmas Badger cut my internet, I just got back online now, switched it over.
Ditzy Shrugged "Apparently Princess Luna really wanted me to come stay with them, but Princess Celestia told her they already had too many Characters in their story, whatever that means."
LOL!!!!