Chapter two: Little Talks
Twilight sighed as she watched the clock on the wall in the waiting room of the Ponyville Hospital.
It had been about twenty minutes since she and her friends had been herded out of Rainbow Dash’s room. After being told she was blind, the pegasus had been silent for a while, but then had reacted…rather violently. Even now she could still hear the screams that came from the now-blinded pegasus. Screams of how her life was ruined and how she could never join the Wonderbolts echoed through her very soul. At that point Twilight thought Rainbow Dash would personally maim the doctor that had told her the unfortunate news herself. But thankfully, with the help of Applejack, herself, and a few nurses, they were able to get her calmed down enough to a point where her agonized cries died down to small whimpers.
“Poor Rainbow Dash,” Twilight thought as she let the events that had transpired play over in her head. As she looked around the room, the looks on her friends’ faces suggested that they all seemed to be thinking the same thing she was.
Personally, the unicorn couldn’t imagine what Rainbow Dash was going through, though she certainly had a pretty good idea. Still, she didn’t want to even think about it. Not being able to fly would be hard for any pegasus, but for Rainbow Dash? It would be more or less crippling for her. Her whole life basically revolved around the sport, not to mention it was her special talent. And if you didn’t have that what did you have? Her mind started to wonder what it would be like to live without her horn, unable to perform magic, her own special talent. She shuddered in horror. Her whole productive world would come to a crashing halt.
Shaking her head, she busied herself with looking at the clock’s slow-moving hands once again.
“Do you think Dashie will be alright?” Pinkie Pie asked. Twilight saw her kicking her back legs against the chair she was currently seated in.
“Are you hearing yourself?” Applejack asked incredulously, trying to bring some light-hearted humor to the dreary scene. “This is Rainbow Dash we’re talkin’ about! The ‘awesomest pony in Equestria’! That pony’s walked away just fine from all sorts of tight spots. She’ll be okay.” Applejack was scanning the room with a blank look on her face. There was something in the earth pony’s voice that made Twilight unsure just who she was trying to convince.
“…I don’t know,” Pinkie said uncertainly. “She seemed…pretty upset.”
“PRETTY upset? Pretty upset is an understatement! Even with a bandage over her eyes, she was pretty dead-on with her hooves,” Rarity said, leaning back in her chair as she talked. “I’m sorry, Applejack, dear, but I’m going to have to agree with Pinkie in this situation. Oh, can you imagine how the poor darling is feeling? What do you think, Twilight?”
Twilight didn’t answer at first. She had been took caught up in her own thoughts to catch any of the details that had flown in one ear and out the other.
“Twilight?” Rarity said once again.
“Wha-?” she blinked, looking up quickly.
Rarity snorted. “I said what do you think about Rainbow Dash.”
“Oh, um…” She couldn’t think of what to say for a while. A better way to describe it was she couldn’t find a way to put what she was thinking into words. “Well, I think that it’s going to take quite a while to get used to it. For us and for her,” Twilight said, returning her attention to the clock.
Deep sighs were exchanged as the room fell silent once again.
Time marched on slowly and quietly, Twilight noted. It seemed as though they had spent hours and hours on end waiting for any news concerning their friend, but it had only been about half an hour. Still, no matter what time it was, nothing about their friend had presented itself to them, much to the lavender unicorn’s annoyance. Finally, after getting bored with looking at the clock, she looked around the room, suddenly interested in what her friends were doing. Pinkie Pie’s hoof was tapping against the ground and the earth pony had a thoughtful look on her face. Rarity had pulled a hoof file out from…somewhere (then again, Twilight figured the fashionista was never without one anyway) and was using her magic to work on her front left hoof. Applejack had her stetson over her eyes and was slouched back in her chair, most likely sleeping. It was then that Twilight realized just how tired she really was. Just as she was about to shut her eyes, the sound of double doors opening and hoofsteps trotting toward them stopped her intent of catching a few winks. Muttering something unintelligible under her breath, she nudged Applejack, who sat beside her.
“Whoza, whuzit?” Applejack sputtered, flailing her front hooves in all which ways and scrambling to sit up. Her frantically turning head stopped when she saw Nurse Redheart coming towards them. Her mouth formed into an ‘o’ shape. She calmly placed her hat back squarely on her head and sat up in her chair.
The two others had been alerted by Applejack and had seen the nurse coming up to them. They sat up a little straighter. Twilight guessed they were just as eager as she was to hear any news about their blind friend.
“Well, it took a while,” Nurse Redheart started as she stood in front of the four ponies, “but we managed to calm her down and run some final tests.”
“Tests?” Twilight echoed, concerned by what the nurse meant.
“Just some final concerns about her sight and her over-all health,” Redheart assured. “She’s very lucky you know.”
“We know,” Applejack smiled.
“Is Dashie gonna be okay?” Pinkie asked, some of the usual poofiness in her mane inflating with hopefulness.
“Yes, she’s going to be just fine.”
They all breathed out a large sigh of relief.
“Visiting hours are over and right now she’s getting some rest. It is my personal opinion that you all go home and do the same,” Redheart offered kindly.
“Right. Thank you so much,” Rarity said gratefully.
“Anytime,” Nurse Redheart replied as she turned away and once again left the waiting room to the four friends.
As soon as she was gone, Twilight turned and made her way out of the hospital. A cool blast of air hit her face as she opened the doors with her magic. It was refreshing, to say the least, as she breathed in the chilly air. After being in the hospital for what seemed like forever, the welcoming sight of Ponyville made her smile.
The sun was just up in the sky, meaning that it was probably still fairly early in the morning. Perfect. She lifted a hoof to start walking but that was cut short when a voice called out to her.
“Twilight!”
She turned around to see Applejack running towards her, followed closely behind by Rarity and Pinkie Pie.
“Where are you going?” the farm pony asked.
“Fluttershy’s. I need to speak with her,” she answered quickly.
“Maybe that’s not such a good idea. You know how close she and Dashie are,” Pinkie said hesitantly.
“I know, I know. It’s just…she’s going to have to find out sooner or later. And if you ask me, it’s probably better for all of us, her included, if she finds out sooner,” Twilight countered, facing the pink pony.
Pinkie Pie considered this for a few moments. After the look of consideration had passed, it was replaced by a look of compassionate acceptance. “You’re right, Twilight. I mean, if one of MY best friend got blinded by some meany-pants dragon trying to protect me, I’d wanna know right away if they were okay!” Pinkie said, her usual attitude returning to her.
“Uh, Pinkie Pie? Isn’t Rainbow Dash already one of your best friends?” Applejack asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Duh! If she wasn’t why would I be here?” Pinkie exclaimed.
Applejack let out an exasperated sigh and turned back to Twilight. “Jus’ go easy on ‘er, okay? You know how she is.”
“Don’t worry. It’ll be fine. Oh! Can one of you come find me when we can see Rainbow Dash again?” Twilight asked, starting to walk in the direction of Fluttershy’s cottage.
“Of course,” Rarity answered immediately. Her eyes then widened. “Oh dear, I almost forgot. My parents are bringing Sweetie Belle over for the weekend. I have to go.” The white unicorn briskly trotted away, looking back at the little group. “Goodbye! I’ll call you, Twilight!” With that, she was gone.
Pinkie started walking away as well. “Bye guys! I have to help the Cakes take care of the twins. They have a HUGE order to take care of and- oh! Applejack, I need you too!”
“What the b-!?” The farm pony was cut off by her fellow earth pony grabbing her hat off her head and running with it.
“Pinkie! Git back here! Ugh, see ya later, Twi,” Applejack said in a hurry as she started booking it down the road after Pinkie Pie. Twilight watched them leave, and amused glint in her eyes as she heard cries of “Give mah hat back!” echo in the distance.
After the departure of her friends she made her own exit. She wasn’t quite looking forward to her little trip, but it was something she felt had to be done. And Twilight, being the proactive mare that she was, was determined to do just that. She only hoped the shy mare she was going to see would be willing to co-operate with her.
The walk to the small cottage was pleasant enough. Celestia’s sun was shining brightly in the sky, the leaves on the trees whistled as the soft spring breeze blew through them. She heard birds chirp happily in the distance and only wished she could be as happy as they seemed to be at the moment. Life just wasn’t like that, she reminded herself sadly. Still, even with that depressing bit of reality, she managed to keep her focus on the scenery around her. Her pessimistic nature marched on however. It seemed that no matter how hard she tried to keep it at a tolerable minimum, it still managed to invade her subconscious.
Soon enough, Twilight found herself face to face with Fluttershy’s humble abode. She took a deep breath and headed to the front door. With only a moment’s hesitation, she reached out a hoof and knocked on the moderately-sized wooden door.
She heard an ‘eep’, followed by some small rustles.
“Wh…who is it?” a timid voice asked.
“It’s Twilight,” she asked in a deadpan tone.
A gasp was then heard. “Uh…Fluttershy’s not…h-home right now. Please leave a message after the beep,” the voice said quickly, barely hovering above a whisper. “Um, if that’s not too much trouble for you, that is,” was quickly added on.
“Come on, Fluttershy, I know you’re in there,” she said. Tapping her hoof lightly against the soil, she spoke up again. “It’s about Rainbow Dash. She woke up today.”
A few tense moments passed between them. Then, the door was opened a crack. Twilight saw a cyan eye look out at her.
“Can I please come in?” Twilight pleaded softly.
The eye blinked sadly before the door, to Twilight’s relief, was opened fully, revealing a yellow mare with a bubblegum pink mane, otherwise known as Fluttershy or just the pony she wanted to see. Fluttershy moved to the side and nodded her head towards the inside of the cottage. Twilight returned the nod gratefully and stepped inside the welcoming house. She had been inside the place a few times before and had figured out she liked it more than her other friends’ houses. Their houses were always too busy or she barely visited them. Fluttershy’s house was always quiet, free from almost any noise of the small town just beside them and only held the welcoming sounds of nature that were chiming through the cottage.
A bird hopped onto her back as soon as she stepped in. She chuckled as she shook it off. Her eyes and Fluttershy’s met for longer than intended and things began to slowly succumb to awkwardness. Twilight averted her gaze quickly and kept walking further into the house, not looking back at her pegasus friend to avoid uncomfortable looks.
They walked through the humble home until they came to a relatively large room that had an airy feel to it and the contents of that room was a couch and a few chairs scattered about in what looked like no distinct order or pattern as far as she could tell. Twilight looked back to see Fluttershy gesturing towards a comfy-looking chair next to the couch. She took the hint, walked over quickly and sitting down. Fluttershy followed suit, making her way to the couch and delicately placing herself on one of its lush cushions, drawing her front hooves in underneath her.
The awkward silence from earlier had firmly settled itself into the room, and neither of the two ponies dared to break it. Twilight thought desperately for a way to start the inevitable conversation. But so far, her mind had turned in a blank.
“Come on, Twilight. You just have to start it. You can do this,” she encouraged herself inwardly When she decided that she was ready enough, she opened her mouth hesitantly, struggling to get the words that were waiting to be said past the lump in her throat.
“So…” she started.
“So,” Fluttershy repeated quietly.
“…look, I know you don’t want to talk about-”
“No, no, it’s okay. Um…so you said…she woke up today?” Fluttershy asked, finally looking up at the unicorn.
“Oh, uh, yes, she did,” Twilight replied. It wasn’t much of a conversation, but it was most definitely a start.
“How…how was it?” Fluttershy seemed to become more inverted as each word slipped out of her mouth.
“She was…it was alright…at first,” Twilight sighed, the floor becoming very interesting all of a sudden.
“At first?” Fluttershy’s voice took a sudden jump into concern as she listened to Twilight’s retelling of the series of unfortunate events that had transpired not too long ago.
“Oh, she’s fine. She just kind of…oh, what’s the word?” Twilight mumbled, tapping her hoof to her mouth in thought.
“Exploded?” Fluttershy suggested.
“Yeah, that’s it,” the unicorn smiled, nodding in approval.
Fluttershy sighed and looked down in what appeared to be shame. “Oh, I just wish I could have been there,” she said quietly.
“And that’s the point. Why WEREN’T you there? She needed you! You’re her best friend!” Twilight exclaimed, beginning to stand, but it was Fluttershy’s next statement that kept her in her seat.
“Because I was scared!” Fluttershy cried, a sudden ferocity welling up in her eyes. She snapped her head up and looked Twilight straight in the eye.
Twilight swallowed and waiting for Fluttershy to continue.
“You didn’t see what happened! You weren’t there when that dragon came, when he tried to kill us! Twilight, she stepped in front of the fire for me. She became BLIND for ME! It’s all my fault! Now she hates me and it’s all my fault!” the yellow pegasus screamed. At some point during her outburst, the pegasus had started sobbing. It was only now that Twilight noticed this, and she quickly pulled her friend into a tight hug, letting Fluttershy cry her eyes out on her shoulder. Mumbles of “I’m sorry” and “it’s all my fault” came from Fluttershy, mixing with her watery sobs that sputtered from her every few seconds. Seeing her like this made Twilight’s heart ache with sympathy. She wished she could do more, but right now the comforting hug was all she could offer the pegasus.
They stayed like that for a few minutes, Fluttershy crying and Twilight holding her gently, occasionally rubbing her back in an effort to soothe her. Fluttershy’s pet bunny Angel had hopped in on them, but with the state Fluttershy was in and a stern look from Twilight, he had quickly and quietly left the room.
“It’s okay, Fluttershy, it’s okay. Rainbow Dash is okay,” Twilight soothed.
“But she’s not, is she?” was all she got in response.
Twilight couldn’t think of anything to say.
“Why couldn’t it have been me? She doesn’t deserve this,” Fluttershy whispered.
The unicorn’s expression hardened. She pulled Fluttershy off her shoulder and held the pegasus in front of her, ignoring the shocked look on Fluttershy’s face.
“Fluttershy, don’t you dare think that. Rainbow made the decision to save you herself, and I think she knew the consequences of her actions when she did it. Imagine how she would feel if she heard that. I know for a fact that she wouldn’t want you to cry over her, and I know that she doesn’t blame you for this,” Twilight told her. For a minute she thought she might’ve said too much when Fluttershy’s already teary eyes started to well up again, but that quickly disappeared when the shy pegasus gave her a weak smile.
“You’re right, Twilight,” Fluttershy said reassuringly, perking up. “I’m sorry I got so emotional back there.”
“It’s okay, Fluttershy,” Twilight answered, giving her a smile. “Hey, would you like to see Rainbow Dash? I’m sure-”
“No, no, that’s fine. I have to take care of my animal friends and that usually keeps me very busy,” Fluttershy said quickly, stepping up from the couch. Twilight did the same.
“Oh…okay. I guess I’ll just be going now. I wouldn't want to keep you from your work, after all,” the unicorn said, turning in the direction of the door and walking to it. Fluttershy followed a few steps behind her. Twilight took note of the pegasus’ quick, almost nervous steps as they walked. It seemed like that once they reached the door Fluttershy was almost relieved.
“I’m so glad we had this talk, Fluttershy” Twilight said, standing just outside the entrance of the cottage.
“Um, yes. I’m glad too,” Fluttershy answered, her eyes flickering nervously towards the inside of the house.
“Um…I guess I’ll just be going now. I’ll tell Rainbow Dash you said hi. Err…Bye,” she said, turning and walking away.
Twilight heard a quiet farewell from what she guessed was the pegasus and her mouth curled into a small satisfied smile.
What she wasn’t aware of was that once she was out of earshot, small sobs echoed from the direction of the small cottage on the edge of the Everfree Forest.
Hola!
Chapter two is here after...you know, this is the fastest second chapter I've ever gotten out. Hm, coolio. Also, may or may not be somewhat inspired by Of Monsters And Men - Little Talks
I tried to do my best at getting the characterizations right, and I think I did a pretty good job. But, let's see what you all think. This chapter is just explaining what's happening to Twilight and the others, so no Rainbow Dash right now, in case you were wondering.
Special thanks to my lovely proofreader (My mummy. Wub woo~!) who did an amazing job at putting up with my horrible writing!
So, enjoy!
Watch this not get any attention whatsoever.Aww flutters is sad
You'd best cheer her up soon twi or she may end up doing something drastic...
I really need to not read so fast. Now I gotta wait for the next chapter and this one just came out.
D'awww.
I predict a scene where Dash asks Twilight why she couldn't have just left her.
inb4 ESP
There is a lot more spelling errors and punctuation errors than in the first chapter. What gives?
Oh I picked the wrong song to listen to whilst reading this...
Yay!
"She calmly placed her head back squarely on her head and sat up in her chair."
How is that posible?
Isn't the first 'head' supposed to be 'hat'?
1514942 Two heads
I believe it's spelt Sweetie Belle, not Bell
1515040
It's Belle. It means "pretty" in French so that makes much more sense than "bell"
1514970 last time i looked applejack don't have two heads... she does on the other hoof have a hat that she could place squarely on her head.
1515197 that's what I'm saying, he spelt it as at Bell in the story
1515210 Just trying to be slightly funny.
YAAAAAAAY next chapter WOOOOOHOOOOO
1514942 I think the first 'head' is spose to be 'hat'
Your mother is proof reading this? Is she a fan?
Interesting.
...and oh so depressing.
Awaiting further releases.
1515260 realy i would have never Guessed! XD
what is with me and reading sad fics
1515229
Get the pitchforks.
please don't turn this into a Twidash fanfiction. Its a good story and I feel like that would ruin it. Of course I have no jurisdiction except for opinion, And I would compliment you but considering the format of this comment, It would sound like i'm trying to sweet-talk you. Any who Cool story! Really good plot. HOWEVER I do have A comment on the "Belle to Bell" argument. 1515197 Its bell. hasbro may have based it of of Belle but its bell. At least the canon for it is bell.
GERONIMO!!!
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬(ஜ۩۞۩ஜ)▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
SHUT UP AND TAKE MY BITS!
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬(ஜ۩۞۩ஜ)▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
I can't wait for more. you did a very VERY good job so far
1514625 Mothers are too OP at pre-reading. That's cheating. XD (In all seriousness, let her know the readers say thanks. Pre-readers never get enough thanks or credit as it is, but especially mums. So thanks, Blundeh's mom. (That's your name. Blundeh.))
I like it. I cried, mostly, but it was still epic SO happy you finally updated; and I just can't wait for more!
1514625
My thoughts about Chapter 2:
Oh? Oho!
First off, i´m glad we got such a quick update. So thanks for that.
And second: Interesting concept; i expected somepony, mostly Twilight, to stay behind for the night with RD so that she´s not alone. You know, a talk with just the two of them, what she feels, thinks and what gonna happen from now on.
Yet you made it so that RD is alone for the night (good concept for an Dash alone chapter 3 for more personal insights) and her friends go home as they have also important things to do. Also you focus on Fluttershy, with Twilight coming as the news bearer, and what she feels&thinks about this situation.
You do keep them well in character, at least nothing feels over-played or added needlessly. For example, i really liked Pinkie not being depressed, but serious, concerned not only with Dashie behaviour but also Fluttershy emotional condition while right after it you still add some "typical Pinkie Pie" with snatching AJ´s hat to get her mind off the depressing things as well as getting her help for something. It seemed... right, for a lack of better words.
Or the part where AJ lied or better said, paint the future in an optimistic color (uh, mean pun since Dashie can´t see colors anymore) to lighten the mood up but doesn´t believe so herself at all. To be honest i guess she´s the most depressed one after Fluttershy/Twilight. I guess it´s due how RD had reacted that AJ, after a few hits of her blind friend in the face, can´t see for now how this could become better ever for her usually big mouth friend.
That said, i hope you won´t only focus on the pony who got blind and the ponies who are responsible for it aka were there/the reason she decided to risk her life/IS still alive also Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle, but also how this affects Applejack, Pinkie Pie and Rarity and also Spike/other ponies basically everyone who has to deal with it. The blinddash tumblr made it clear with the Ponyville Ponies being unsure how to act around RD, hurting her in the end or another example Gilda who used that moment to rub salt in her ex-friends wounds as revenge for having chosen the lame ponies as friends over her. It´s easy for yourself to focus only on a coupel ponies and describe the others
For example ow they, Dash friends and Dash herself, think about it in their quiet moments, how they try to behave around RD (which will be REALLY interesting, i think 'Bright Eyes' failed with that quiet abit to be honest) and how this will affect their daily lives.
Remember Dash flies as often as she can in contrast to Shy who flies as few as she can. We always see her in the show hovering in alot of conversations, even with the princess she hovers around, she´s shown flying in the intro when all six get together, etc. Flying as you need to make EVEN more clear, is her LIFE. I´m not saying you haven´t already made that clear, but its still not fully exhausted what flying means to RD/blindness will mean to her in this fic yet. I´ll write more to that later.^^
So back to the "bigger view of things" part, you already made sure to include Twi POV and her thoughts in the second chapter followed by Fluttershy shown feelings and said reasons for her fear and guilt. What i hope is that it won´t just stop there with those three. That the others gets their time to shine so to say and i don´t mean that in a helpful to Dashie way, but in a way of what does Dash being blind means to them, how will they react to it, what will they say, what will they do to deal with it in their own ways. After all, this doesn´t only hurt Dash, it also hurts Fluttershy who feels responsible for it or Twilight who feels (or should at least) useless for not being able to restore her friends sight, to have "failed" her friend with bringing her back to life but not being able to save her dream/her "entire life".
Heck, even Rainbow Dash´s parents/family, if she has one in this fic, will have to be included in some way! More to that later.^^
Btw it´s why i like this sentence so much:
I really really loved the part where Twilight thought about Dash blindness or better how this will affect her life, her dream and her special talent. I just liked how you avoided to make the drama around her loss of sight and focused it on her loss of flight which is her joy and everything for her personality. I bet RD could fly before she could walk. *sad smile*
It´s why the comparison of Twi with losing her magic/horn hits home/right in the feels. Even if Twi would become blind, she could still use magic, still find ways to be productive. Rainbow however can´t, being blind she´s stuck to the ground, the blue-white free sky will now become forever a black dangerous void for her. That thought that her special talent will mean nothing now, is scarying for a little pony, espcially for such a proud and ambitious one as RD.
It´s why i think Twi can relate so much to her in this particular moment as she herself is really ambitious too. But it wouldn´t mean anything the moment she loses her horn and despite having her cutiemark be unable to make use of her special talent.
So, i lift my hat for that moment/segment of your chapter/fic, well done.
I also loved the beginning in which it clearly described Dash "exploding" and breaking down after hearing those news. How the doctor, teh nurses and Twi and AJ (who seemed to have get hit by RD?) were needed to calm her rage down which ended in her sobs. How her desperate cries about how her life´s over are still echoing in Twilights/her friends minds. How she just wanted to let her rage/shock/fear steam off to the world in such a violent matter. That was really well done and set apart from the "so shocked she can´t react properly" style.
In the blinddash tumblr which is your inspiration, we didn´t had such scenes as we started with RD already living in Twi´s library together due her blindness, so this really shows your OWN spin on things/this topic/idea. Basically you start from a point of the story the tumblr didn´t had fully covered and fill it with your own version how she could have reacted to those news and make them believeable for us. I can see RD being both shocked too much to react at all, let it sink into herself as well as going on a rampage, realizing right away/in a few moments what this means to her and her future, her talent, her dream, her life. Important, what i wrote here now is all her her her, which is very important as Dash has to deal with it herself and faces the consequences of her being blind completley. This might sound egoistical but is very realistic as the shock will blow away all rationality in those first moments which you showed splendly with her throwing some punches and screaming/crying. Though it could have still be done a bit better. More to that later.
Next, the focus getting away from RD, not even having her in the chapter as a pony/speaking thinking actively, to Fluttershy and Twilight. Well done, most would just continue with Dash for a while and how she faces it/argues with it/deals with it/comes to terms with it being blind, you widen the pony chara sheet of two more ponies instead and add their POV to the topic of Dash being blind as well as what they feel about it and thus give to the way RD acted the contrast Tof what wi and Shy have acted/spoken/thought towards it.
Yet as good as that was it was also the part i found the most lacking ones, the part where it felt like there were little bits missing to complet the picture/puzzle. More to that later though.^^
Now onto the last part, which i found to be the most interesting as well as the most weakest part of your chapter or to be honest of your fic as a whole. That´s both a good and not neccessarily a bad thing, to make this clear first, and second, those two don´t have to exclude each other. You can write something very interesting cause unusual and well written as well as weak cause unusual and not fully explained.
Which kinda happend in this case. I´ll tell here why this was a good and interesting part and later why i also felt that it had been a weak and missing part of your story.^^
The first good thing was that you made it clear that Twilight didn´t look forward to speak with Fluttershy yet had also the feeling that it needed to be done, compared to the first reactions of her friends to think its better to leave Shy alone for now.
The next good point was Twi trying to get into the house/convincing Shy to let her in as well as the atmosphäre both had around each other. It didn´t felt like friends wanting/having a talk with each other but more like strangers trying to act friendly.
Same for when they finally BOTH blow up in each other faces, Twi to Shy for not being there and Shy to Twi for not understanding her/"not being there".
What was also good was how badly Shy wanted to be left alone/wanted Twi out but didnt said anything in that matter while Twi tried to get Shy to come out/to RD with her later but actually didn´t tried to push the matter further and was elived just like Shy that this conversation was finally over and she could leave Shy´s house.
It felt really heavy and uncomfortable the scene between those two, like two people or ponies in this stead, who didn´t wanted to talk to each other but had to. And while one might think this went quite well, it actually didn´t so much which also adds a good point to this scene making it interesting: it didn´t succesed in making Shy feel better or getting the train rolling to make Shy-RD talk to each other, it stagnated instead and didn´t changed much but it still gave us quite an insight in their feels&thoughts.
What you could do to make this chapter feel/read a bit better:
“It’s Twilight,” she asked in a deadpan tone. - i think, that should be answered, right?
My parents are bringing Sweetie Bell over for the weekend. - Rarity´s lil' sister name is Sweetie Belle.
Week - In the first chapter you write that Dash had been in the hospital for a week, here again you try to show it with them being tired yet in two chapters, it fails to deliever the feel of a week though i think that´s quite important.
In that week Dash was fighting for her life, were the doctors doing their best to ensure Dash stay alive which was only possible thanks to Twi´s spell at the beginning of the week to get Dash back to life. And i think the reader needs to realize that better as well as that week needs to be an indicator for some of the things that have happend here in this chapter as well as in some future chapters.
For example, let Twi also think that despite thinking that Dash is poor for being blind, she is also glad that Dash is still alive/didn´t died in that week.
Write in Twi´s POV that AJ is sleeping cause it had been her turn to be at the hospital for the day/night before she called over the others that Dash might wake up today/that Dash had a relapse and got die, both are good ways to give the Week part a deeper meaning. That the friends had spend turns there, with acceptance of the doctors but only one for a day/night allowed, waiting desperately for their friend to wake up will give it alot of emotional load. It could even and especially be used in some future chapter to explain somepony´s thoughts, feelings and actions regarding Dash being blind in form of a flashback.
Remember, this is a whole week Dash friends didn´t knew what will happen next/feared the worst could happen, a week in which Shy was closing herself off in her cottage, a week Dash friends tried to be close to her while trying to talk to Shy with different success and thus different opinions how to deal with her.
Let Redheart tell in this part here more:
Like i said with the turns to give the week more emotional load and meaning, that Redheart like the whole hospital staff noticed and was touched by Dash friends concern to not even leave the hospital till they knew more about Dash´s condition/her being alive.
Like this for example:
Something like that. Plus there´s more to it.
You can use the Week to add in Twilight´s thoughts after trying to imagine how it would be without magic, how the doctor told them all at the first or the second day that if Rainbow Dash would wake up, she would be blind. How this shocked them all, but most of all Fluttershy who HAD been there the first day with all of them and spend the second day in her turn alone, but after hearing what would become of Dash - death or blind for life, she never showed up in the visiting hours when everypony tried to be there for Dash and for each other.
You can use the week to describe how worried they are after they leave the hospital, for Fluttershy that is. How Rarity/Pinkie and Applejack had tried in the past days whenever one of them was free due work and such to talk with her, but either got no answer or got only a few responses, etc. This wasn´t only a week which was spend with Dash almsot dieing and her friends worrying about her, it was a week in which Fluttershy was alone, on a guilt trip blaming herself for what has happend.
All of that could come over to the reader much stronger if you made sure to not only mention the week part once in chapter 1 but also in chapter 2 sometimes.
The week part, which could become a strong help in the whole fic cause it would serve as a good indicator for some things that happend in this chapter or could/will happen in future chapters.
Don´t throw away such a good tool for better story telling. You will give the reader more insight, for example to Pinkie´s strange quietness, AJ lieing, Fluttershy closing herself off, with having the week as help to convey why what happend to lead to which reaction/thoughts/feels of pony x, y, z, etc.
Right now, the week doesn´t feel like a week but more of a yesterday and that´s something you really should try to avoid as that does lessen the emotional blow of delivering the punch to Dash in the first chapter of having spend a whole week in the hospital near dieing. Basically reading chapter 2 about what happend to her friends in that horrible week should make the reader feel even more when thinking back about how the news got delivered to Dash in her bed.
Twi´s POV, AJ&co - As mentioned above, the friends part in the story is done wonderfully, yet you could use it even more to make sure the reader won´t just overread the parts or gets irritated by some, for example Pinkie being quiet yet not acting sad or Rarity with her file working on her hoof. Let AJ have a blue eye due RD´s rage in the room, it will give a bigger impact for the reader at how much RD was shocked/overwhelmed by the news that she even hit Aj in the face, by accident but she did. It can serve as a part for a AJ chapter/segment as well as RD trying to apologize to AJ, if she can´t remember she has hit somepony in the face and more importantly, WHO, as she couldn´t see/think clearly at the moment.
With the blue eye AJ´s try to be optimistic will sound even more badly/wrong, it can also be used that Fluttershy who would take care of such small wounds is not there. It can also give Rarity a scene in which she gives AJ a cooled down handkerchief/is concerned with her besides with Dash/Shy too and AJ trying to avoid that concern as she´s too busy thinking about Dash.
You can let Twi mention in her thoughts that they have often meet here in the hospital in the past days whenever possible. How rarely they meet/talked outside of it, each left with their own thoughts/work to do. That Pinkie has thrown no party this week, was less bouncing around or was sitting around thinking. That AJ neglicet her work on the farm to be able to be here, especially today when it was her turn to spend a whole day/night here in order to get the news for everypony else in case of something happening.
You can let AJ hide the eye with her hat when Redheart asks her if she needs some ice before they leave and so on.
Most of that stuff mentioned isn´t neccessary, but it would make the chapter feel heavier due having the week and its effect mentioned on the friends and Twi. That blue eye on AJ would be after all a result of that week. A week waiting to hope for Dash suriving to end up getting a blow in the face of Blind Dash. That sure gives thoughts to the reader and AJ herself. And RD later once she realizes that/hears of it.
Also make it more clear why they smile/breath in relief hearing Dash will be fine, she´s not fine, she´s blind. The first chapter doesn´t quite make it clear that Dash could have died anytime in that week or that she was close to dieing when she woke up which in return makes this chapter lacks emotional impact of that begone danger.
Again Twi´s POV and the week are good uses to tell the readers in some sentences
Twi/Shy conversation - Now we come to the bad parts of the converation. It felt missing, quite alot to be honest.
For example, Shy knew that Dash was blind yet we readers heard that only with Dash as main chara in the first chapter making it feel like only then and now everypony there heard of it for the first time.
So in other words Shy´s reaction saying she´s blind cause of me or even KNOWING that Dash blow up/"exploded" is not explained/feels unexplained. Which is why i said to make use of Twi´s POV and the Week to explain to the readers at the beginning of this chapter how and when they all heard of Dash being blind when she wakes up and her possible death.
That alone will a) explain why Shy wasn´t there = she was afraid of her oldest best friend dieing b) why she knew that Dash "exploded" hearing the news as she already knows them/knows Dash good enough to guess so and c) why she has heard of Dash being blind despite Twi hasn´t said anything of that in the conversation. You see, with the uses of two story-telling advices you can get more in an easier way to the reader without irritaing them.
Make it more clear why Twi doesn´t feel like going to Shy. It just stands there but doesn´t get an explanation till she blows up in Shy´s face, yet it wouldn´t hurt at all to get the reader know that Twi disliked Shy´s decision to not go to the hospital/come with AJ´s call to the hospital/closed herself off and ignored her friends pleas. Writing that in one/two sentences after the part of not feeling like going to her will give the part of still going to her a much different view as well as load the coming conversation already with the needed emotional impact.
You could make the opening of the door a bigger deal with having AJ,Pinkie,Rarity said after leaving the hospital that she didn´t had opened the door for them and asked them to leave *if they don't mind that is*. And why did the door open when Twi came? Cause of the magic words "Rainbow woke up", not cause Twi was standing there being both concerned and irritated at her friend which you can make more clear with her telling the purple Unicorn to please leave and then Twi tells her about Rainbow waking up and we get to the conversation.
It would give Shy´s isolation a more sadden tone and the readers the spark of hope that after a mentioned week in isolation (Twi´s POV in hospital why Shy´s not there with them) and avoiding her friends (AJ&co telling Twi outside the hospital it won´t work to get Shy to talk to/how they were ignored by her the past days) Fluttershy would open up, get out of her home of depression, sadness and self-blaming to get to Dash to make up with her JUST to have it CRUSHED in the most kindly and believeable way of Fluttershy refusing Twi´s offer with having to take care of her animals! (Oh yes, that´s gooooooood stuff~ )
Explain why the atmosphäre is so intense/akward/uncomfortable between those two. As we all know they are good best friends yet here the atmosphäre makes sense being there yet it doesn´t make sense as in WHY its there.
Let Twi have some sad and irritated thoughts why Shy couldn´t accept the help/friendship of her friends when she needs it the most. Let Shy give Twi some glares which she quickly averts when Twi looks her way with her wondering why the shy pony would ever glare at ehr for what reason as well as dismissing such absurd thought.
Let Twi herself remember when seeing Shy in tears how she had looked like over Dash´s black burned body, after she brought her back from the dead with her spell. Let Twi look around and see signs of the house not being cleaned properly, tissues everywhere Shy has cried into (like in the CMC gossip episode) of fewer animals being there like usual (like it happend with the Iron Will episode) or that there are only few biten parts of food in the kitchen and that all windows are closed and the house lays in darkness despite having a wonderful sunny day outside (ya know to give a straight contrast), to show that Shy doesn´t take good care of herself.
Let Twi notice on Shy herself that she doesnt take good care of herself, red-shot eyes due too much crying, mane/tail being not brushed, her coat not washeda bit dirty, her warm and kind eyes died down to cold and sad ones. All that will give more and more brain food to why the atmosphäre is so badly at the moment despite them being friends.
Most importantly let Fluttershy like Twi and her friends have conflicting feelings:
Feeling happy/glad that she survived/didn´t died and sad/unhappy that she became blind forever. We have no such thing with Shy here, neither with Twi and the others. They´re just sad cause she´s blind and just reliefed cause she´ll be fine yet cause we didn´t had the emotional impact/explanation delievered of that week in which Dash could have died, the friends were waiting in fear of her dieing and what they did and heard in that week, it just stands sorta there on its own and well, just stands there.
If Shy´s face would lit up in the conversation when hearing that Dash woke up, that she spoke and that the doctors said she won´t die for sure, that would give us readers the reliefed and happy feelings she must feel at that moment just like the others had felt in the hospital.
And if afterwards her face quickly gets a guilty look and asks how it was, and we now know she doesn´t mean the waking up part (another irritating aspect of that conversation) but hearing the news of being blind (due the week/doctor/Twi POv in hospital part) and THEN get Twi´s answer plus her observation of Shy´s face showing her feelings of hurt (in Dash´s place), guilt, visible pain, fear and so much self-hating a kind pony doesn´t deserve, not even from herself, then that will grip the readers hearts, reeling in the tragedy of Shy being her own worst enemy/hater as well as in the knowing tragedy that this won´t be easy to fix, the Shy-Dash relationship i mean.
Give Shy a sad smile when suggesting what Twi couldn´t said and the reader will know its cause of fond memories as Shy knows the hot-tempered Dash the longest and has seen her "explode" quite sometines, a few of them to protect her.
Add emotion to Twi´s voice, anger, irritation, loudness rising, and the readers will see that Twi is not only unhappy with Shy´s decision to not come to Dash when she woke up, but also with her closing herself in, her closing out her friends and most importantly blaming herself for everything.
Then this part here
gets an even greater impact as it STOPS Twi´s own feelings and loudness and even her arguments die down in that moment.
Also that Shy ferocity part where she cries her self-blaming thoughts at her purple friends needs some extra added. Dash didn´t only become blind for her, she DIED for her. Also Twi was there given Dashs dream of remembering a purple magical light when she opened her eyes while gettin burned to death. And that crying/sob part is a good place as mentioned above to have a sentence in which Twi remembers a crying Fluttershy over a black body which looked nothing like their friend Rainbow.
And that part of "You weren´t there when the dragon came" is an interesting part o see if Shy doesn´t only blame herself but also others like Twi who if she had come earlier might have been able to stop the dragon/prevent Dash to die. It could aid as fuel to Shy´s self-hating to have such "horrible thoughts" which are normal though (and which i expect Dash to have, at least for some moments) and realistic. She can´t blame herself all the time, Twi is the first pony who she had a real conversation in a week since this horrible accident.
Twi rescued Dash, brought her back to life whereas Shy had only stand there paralyzed and brought death to Dash - those are thoughts which would go through Shy´s mind. So if Twi can save Dash after she got fried, why couldn´t she be there a couple minutes earlier to prevent it completley, to prevent Dash to sacrifice herself, to prevent her having such horrible and sad thoughts tormenting her all the time? Again Shy thoughts and since she´s such a kind pony she knows that those are wrong yet she can´t help having them as those are a way to HELP herself, sharing the blame only to hate herself, cause she´s so kind, even more for doing something to terrible wrong.
The thing with this conversation is this:
We have here the two ponies who are most involved in Dash´s new condition. Shy for being the reason Dash sacrificed her life/her sight. Twi for being the reason Dash didn´t died/came back to life being blind. Or in other words, we won´t have such a conversation with any other pony possible, so this is a really special and thus interesting case!
Both do blame themselves in different aspects and in different amounts as well as in different ways about what happend. Twi, bein the element of magic, will blame herself (like in the tumblr) for reviving Dash but not complet, being blind, she will think that she has taken Dash´s dream away, that Dash has lost something irreplaceable cause she wasn´t good enough. She will also think that it was selfish to have her brought back to life when all there is but a life in blindness. We all know that its better to be alive and blind than being dead at a young age, but till that gets through to all of them, espcially Twi and Dash will need to have some talks.
It was also what kept Twi to pursuade a romantic relationship with Dash, besides the aspect of fearing that she might take advantage of Dash being blind/vulnerable.
Fluttershy on the other hand as Dash oldest friend has a much more direct blame to handle: She was saved by Dash, she would have been burned and been revived blind if it weren´t for her old loyal friend. And it not only more direct, its also heavie as Twi has the defense of having her brought back to life but Shy has no such defense. Twi had tried in this chapter with Dash deciding to do so but in Shy´s mind that only makes it worse.
Fluttershy would need therapy and lots of help of all her friends, especially Dash and Twilight and most importantly she needs to aceept that help. Twilight would need to accept her own "short-comings" as she believe so to get over the blame partly, but Fluttershy has no such luxus as she can´t see anything redeeming, only guilt thus she needs others to help her with.
Its why it would make sense to have her try to blame others and since Dash is unblameable, Twi makes the best target for her pain and self-hatred to ease them but with her kindness as well as knowledge about why this all happend it won´t help her in the long run and just worsen it.
Anyway, the atmosphäre between them is right and correct but cause you have hardly or not at all described why its there (due teh reason of only having two chapters yet) the atmosphäre crumbles and remains in pieces. Pieces which would need the extra glue/foundation to stand as a picture together:
Twi´s Pov, The Week, AJ&co trying+failing to help Shy, Shy not accepting help, the reason why Shy closed herself in (Twi POv/The Week again with the explanation of when they heard first of Dash either dieing or waking up blind), danger of Dash dieing in that week, Twi being irritated at Shy refusing help/noticing she needs help, Shy at blaming herself/trying to ease her pain with blaming Twi (glare at her for example) with resulting in more self-hating, etc.
Dash condition - As said over and over again (lol), make sure that Twi´s Pov will reinforce the danger in which Dash´s life had hung the whole week through to give Shy becoming isolated on her own more weight as well as all of their relief and conflicted feelings of happiness (she´s alive) with sadness (she´s blind) to bear more impact for the reader.
Spike - Not that he´s needed much in this chapter, but it´d be nice if he does get mention. For example Rarity telling Twi to make sure that Spike hears of Dash waking up/surviving the week or how Twi says she doesn´t need to go home right away thanks to Spike and his helpful hands at home/that he has things under control there. Or that she thinks he will be happy to hear Dash didn´t die but wonders how he will react when hearing she can´t see anymore.
Suggestions for future chapters:
Family/friends - Important as we don´t know if Dash has a family. But they would or should have come in that week their daugther was about to die, so i guess she has none. Which will make her friends and all their actions even more important as Dash will have to relay on them for a very long time as well as needing their help to get in terms with her new life of being blind.
Blame/guilt/feelings - We have 3:3 situation here: Dash, Twi and Shy are most involved in Dash becoming blind, Pinkie, AJ and Rarity have more of an outstander role with the supportive ways to help those three not devouring themselves in blame, guilt and desperation.
Dash is most vulnerable, she has lost what defines her, what she loves and what her dream was. She will throw blame at everyone but herself for the first time, but sooner or later she will have to accept that she had nopony to blame but herself. Rather that she has to swallow some of her pride and accept and be helpful for the help of her friends no matter how humilating it can be, for example she will need help in the bath and while eating for the first times.
Fluttershy is second most vulnerable due her not so strong and stable emotional will as well as being in the role of the pony who feels responsible for everything that happend and who can´t see a way out. She can´t throw her blame at anypony but Twilight and even that only for superficial reasons. Since she has no way of "paying that debt back", getting rid of her guilt, she will drove herself into a corner she can´t get out on her own. She will need help, of her friends and of her savior Dash but most importantly she will not only need to accept it, she must be able to forgive herself too.
Twilight is the least vulnerable due her usually strong and stable emotional will (expect she´s tardy for a friendship report lol) as well as being in the role of the pony who has done everything she could at that moment and even successed to revive Dash, but has to come to accept that she couldn´t do everything perfect or come in time to stop that from happening as well as not to blame herself for bringing Dash back to life for what she thinks are selfish reasons (love interest).
Her friends can only hardly help her here though, the one who can help her most is Dash as she´s the one she projects her feelings to as well as the one she revived/has to live with her spells incompletness. If Dash can forgive her/become happy despite being blind than Twi can accept her own shortcomings easier. And since she can help Dash with her new life, she´s basically helping herself too, something Fluttershy is excluded off due her and Dash´s roles.
Twilight Magic/Life spell - Thats something quite important, sooner or later the readers will want to hear what kind of spell Twi used on Dash to save her from the dead, why it isn´t used on other ponies in Equestria, why did she become blind despite coming back to life, what the conditions are to make that spell work, how much magic/power it costs Twilight, if it will have done something to Dash/Twilight and their relationship (Twi being the caster, the Dash the receiver), like for example giving part of her life force to her dead friend forming a bound of soul energy between them which is better for Dash to be close to Twi than far apart, etc.
I hope you have made your thoughts on this part as it really is quite an important one to know about. One the tumblr tried to avoid a bit/didn´t explained fully but if you intend to finish this fic, it wouldn´t be a good finish when it says "and they lived happily after thanks to some random spell that brings ponies back to life but blind."
Rainbow Dash - I think Dash will in either in the next or in some future chapter a whole chapter alone for herself. One she is speaking and thinking only to and about herself, about what will become of her, what she can and will do from now on, if she regrets what she has done, if she can forgive Fluttershy or not, if she blames her and Twilight or not, if she blames herself for having not thought of a better way, if she cries alone regreting not to be able to become a Wonderbolt anymore while putting up a brave front before her friends, how she asks herself what and how she will live her daily life, who will help her, what does she need help with and so on.
It´s cause i think we didn´t had much yet in 5000 words, less than half of it, directed to Dash and her new condition. A whole chapter of her about herself would bring light to the darkness of what is to come. If she can ever accept herself as now a "weak and cripple pony" (her words not mine, but that´s surely how she´ll think of herself being unable to fly) or if she will always gloom over what she has lost and can never truly become happy.
If she can bring up the courage to build up confidence not as awesome flyer Rainbow Dash, but as humble and as good as possible independent Blind Dash. And much more which i´m sure you´ve already made your thoughts for like how to get Dash a new dream/ambition to regain confidence despite being blind.
Tests - An important way to show/explain the readers as well as RD why flying as a blind person is not a good idea, why even hovering is not a great plan. After all there´s a reason why we dont have blind pilots yet there will be readers who will think that theres a difference in flying a plane and flying yourself due your wings. WHich is true, but both needs sights to avoid bad things happening and since Dash hardly the most careful person alive she will need that even more.
Have Dash for example trying to hover/fly around in the hospital despite being blind cause "my wigns aches",, after all her wings are fine its her eyes which doesn´t work anymore. Let the doctor have her a test we all can do at home. A straight line, a bit left and right away of it are a few hindrance and her goal is to fly straight forwards without hitting one of those.
She will say this is too easy. And fail. Cause no human can walk 20 or even more metres straight without seeing when he/she had been used to it his/her whole life. Same for ponies and same for pegasi flying.She will be a bit too much left, hit something, try to coordinate it, gets too much right, tries to fly faster and so on,ending up flying against a wall despite teh stop shouts of the hospital staff.
Dash will have to come to accept that she can´t even hover like usual cause else she would need somepony to guide her like with a collar/leash to avoid accidents. Plus its scary to fly without seeing. Scary, flying! two words Dash would never bring together in one sentence and yet she must feel so. And then the frustration...
Anyway, such a test/tests are good ways to explain both the readers/Dash what and what´s not possible for her from now on and in what she will need help with and what she might be able to learn to do on her own.
Dragon/Dash´s death - This has the same reason as Twi´s magic/spell. One day teh readers will want to know in full detail what happend back then, why a dragon was there, why he attacked them, how it burned Dash to a black corpse and left her with no sight when revived, if the dragon will be seen again or not and so on.
Princess Celestia - Well obviously, she could know of some way to help Dash so it would make sense of Twi&co to ak her for help, if she doesn´t already know of Dash condition and will pay her a visit for some wise words/advise.
Eventual Twidash - Like i´ve mention before (if you ahve read till now that is, lololol) if you do some Twidash, make sure to know which way. Twi into Dash, Dash into Twi, both into each other but not knowing it, etc. The spell for example could have worked to strengthen Dash feelings for Twi/to feel safer near her and happier despite having lost so much. Twi could have loved Dash for quite some time which is the reason why she doesn´t try to pursuade a relationship, knowing it wouldnt be fair to Dash in this state/fearing she misuses her vulnerability.
In a good relationship equality and balance is important which is something hardly to do with Dash being blind. Dash will have to come to accept Twi´s help and love everyday despite herself feeling, well not so reliable and awesome like before, and Twi will have to accept to help and NOT help Dash everyday so that she becomes independent as well as gains new confidence. WHich will be really hard to do.
But if done wrong Dash will feel not worthy of Twi´s love or Twi will think she manipulated Dash into it, both bad things to happen for a happy relationship. So i´m really interested how you might plan to do this. :)
PS:
So, looks like i needed over 4 hours and a half to write this all down. Few fics make me do spend so much time explaining my feels and thoughts of them in a single comment. Fics like Growing pains, Quantum Castaways and Halo: On the Wings of Angels comes to mind besides some other fics i wrote such lengthy/time consuming comments.
So i wanna thank ya for getting that much outta me as well as congrats you for having your 'breakthrough' in Fimfic with this story. Near 700 like and over 250 comments speak clearly that this could evolve into a very good and well-written fic of yours. One that will hopefully continue to entertain us for a long time.
If you ever feel like you´re in a corner though and need somebody to talk to and juggle with some ideas to continue the story, i´ll gladly will lend you an ear, time and ideas if needed so (got alot of suggestions left from blinddash tumblr, can´t wait till it starts again). Though i guess you already have the storyline completley written/thought out as well as created some buffer chapters already?
I hope my huge comment was not too confusing and a bit helpful if you ever intend to rewrite this chapter someday or needed some suggestions for future chapters. However, you´re 14 and i shouldn´t expect a masterpiece of you, especially since masterpieces are hardly done alone. As i said, your chapter is already pretty good and if you continue that way you will end up with a good fic. All i mean to write down here with those thousands words are that this could become with time and work invested an even greater fic, easily getting over thousand likes and tons of comments.
Also your mummy´s pretty awesome for proofreading your fic. So make sure to give her special thanks from me to her, kay? :3
If needed ask her what she thinks of my comment and don´t worry i won´t write such a way too big comment to soon.^g^
Edit:
I...i just checked...7935 words.
I wrote more in a comment than you in two chapters. That can mean only two things:
A) I´m a sick man and need therapy...
B) Your fic is just THAT good to bring so much outta me!
I really hope it´s B.
Is it ironic that I'm reading this with the Fimfiction banner of Rainbow Dash reading to a blinded Twilight?
In any case, great story so far. Definitely sad... I almost didn't read it because there are so many stories now that are sad like this, but I'm hoping later chapters will be happier!
As for the TwiDash shipping... well, I'm neutral on the subject of shipping in general, but this chapter seems almost like the story is being set up for a FlutterDash pairing, not a TwiDash. You might even want to consider not shipping at all, but that's your call as the author. I'll still be reading whatever direction you choose to take.
i cried at the part when fluttershy was telling that dashie went blind for her
I'm not even going to try and make a good comment after seeing that giant block of text above me.
Suffice to say it was good and keep going.
Oh and Dash should use eye drops mixed with rainbows and imbued with healing magic, couldn't hurt right.
1516121 I gotta say, as I was scrolling down here the first thing to come to mind as I passed your comment was "Fuck me..."
1516368
You mean, i´ve written a clop comment?! Nooooooooooooooo, what have i become! D8
I take that "Fuck me..." as a compliment... wait, you haven´t read the whole thing have you?
@The Rainbow Blunderbolt
About the Twidash shipping: Do it Filly.
Since you wrote eventual Twidash and got inspirated by BlindDash tumblr, i can safely guess you´ve made a few thoughts regarding them and i´d like to see you write them out.
I´ve read plently of fics which could even shipper-hater turn a blind eye so good were they, (Twilight´s List for example got alot of fans who claim to be no shippers/ships other ships/dislike Twidash) and i believe your fic could become one of those two. Well, ofc it depends how you go about it slow and believeable or quick and sappy.
1516417 Of course I haven't! Don't be silly!
1516441
Awwwwww...
1516451 I'm sure it was wonderful, darling, don't be sad.
Favoriting because Blind Dash tumblr.
1516464
I think for 8000 words in a comment "crazy" would fit better than wonderful....or "wonderful crazy".
This was uploaded the day after my eye surgery....
1514660 Yes, yes she is.
Fear not, she'll be fine. No drastic measure
well maybe somehere.1514799 I'm sorry, but what does ESP mean? (I sound like an idiot.)
1514824 Probably because it's longer, and I was tired. Sorry about that.:
1514847 Yes, yes you did.
1514942 Fixed!
1515197 Fixed that too.
1515229 First off, I'm a she, second, I fixed it.
1515315 Actually, she's not a fan, but she said she'd give it a try.
1515334 Le gasp. *hides*
1515382 I plan to do the TwiDash. Well, maybe. We'll see how it goes.
1516080 Thank you very much!
1516121 ...that's a long comment.
Anyway, thank you for the insight and helpful suggestions! I'm really touched that you would take so much time and effort to review my story like that!
I'll have to look at that comment later to see if I can add anything on future chapters to make it all tie together, if that makes any sense.
Let's hope it's 'b' too!
1516203 That's what my mom said when she was reading this.
We'll have to see though.
1516290 Wow, I'm making a lot of people cry here. It's really weird.
Thanks!
1516330 Nope, not at all! There couldn't be anything that could possible go wrong with that plan.
Thank you, and will do!
1516417 I probably will, but perhaps not. We'll just have to see.
1516683 Well that's a bit ironic.
Yes and update do it again do it again!
1514625
Have an attention.
1516934 Extra Sensory Perception - (Seeing without eyes basically.)
I loved it! have a moustache
1514625 how did flutters know that dash was before twi told her
no fair you have a mum that not only dosnt mind you being a brony but acculy edits? no fair i have nither just a disaprooveing mum acculy i don't even have an editor
any speeling errs are after spellcheck
1517022 I will! In a while, but I will.
1517500 Oh, okay. Thanks.
1518060 Happy to hear it, my good sir/ma'am.
1518305 Well, she was there when they got attacked by the Dragon and Twilight saved her, and she was there when they were told that Dash was blind (which was before she woke up). That's how.
Aww, I'm sorry to hear that. Yes, my mom accepts and even encourages my love for mlp, (so does my dad) so I'm thankful for that.
i need a hug after reading this.
1518972 Here you go! *hugs*
How long is while?
1516121 I would think the answer is C, all of the above. Seriously, did you just type EVERY SINGLE coherent and incoherent thought that popped into your head? Crap man! How long did it take you to write that? Nine weeks? Four months?