A/N : This is just a small test, and I don't know if I'll continue this. No prereaders on this one, anyways, feedback would be nice!
Destiny
My name is Bailey. I am a simple earth pony living in Ponyville.
How’s my life? That depends on your point of view. If you compare me with the rich and famous ponies in Canterlot, I am probably leading a very pathetic life. However, if you compare my life with a pony that has not been emotionally fulfilled, then my life cannot be more perfect.
My point of view?
Frankly, until I voice it out now, I have never thought of that question. So, I do not have much of an idea. Like any other ponies, I have a dream. It sounds out of reach, but I tell myself that it is not impossible. I wish that one day I could be a hero, somepony who would save the world. Sounds immature? But, I believe that the best dreams usually spring from passion. I once wondered if this silly dream of mine will fade off, but oddly, it grew more intense over time.
I was brought up single-hoofedly by my mother. For the longest time, I did not know what happened to my father. Mum has always told me that he died in a car accident when I was still a foal. I left it at that. I did not bring up the issue ever again for fear that it might upset my mum.
Bad things usually collide in full force in a series. A few years after my father’s demise, my mum began to encounter serious problems with her kidneys. The doctors told us that it was a serious case of kidney failure. After her first operation, my mother was prescribed with oral medication. But, over time, her condition visibly deteriorated. Eventually, she was instructed to go for kidney dialysis three times per week.
My mother would cry silently in her room everyday since then. As always, whenever I open the door, she would try to wipe away her tears. But, her red eyes always give her away. I have always yearned to lessen her pain. Since I was young, I had wanted to quit school to work. But, she turned livid at my suggestion and told me she would never allow that to happen.
And so, life went on like before. We tried our best to skimp and save, spending our money mainly on food. I rejected every social invitation from my friends because I knew that involved too much money. Of course, I came up with a horde of excuses: I need to stay home to finish my homework, my mum grounded me… Any excuse that you can think of, I would have used it before.
I secretly started work as a part-time waiter in a restaurant. I only told my mum much later. She was unhappy, but had to accept it. Around that time, I made it into the Music Stream in the Ponyville College. Thus, it became an after-school routine to rush to work, neglecting my friends and homework.
What does every teenage pony do with their money? They would probably go clubbing, buy the most ‘in’ fashion, smoke and drink. What about me? I buy bread, apples, occasionally some cupcakes and settle the household bills...
Life has always been tough. Every minute, I would ponder over what might happen next because I never have enough money for three decent meals.
I did apply for a bursary, but was rejected because I dropped out of school.
Somehow, every life has a turning point. I never expected mine to come when I met a lavender unicorn one fine day.
~~~~
That day, was like any other, Celestia’s sun was high up in the air.
Lessons ended late that day. It would be a twenty minute walk to get to the diner. Walking has always been a relaxing hobby of mine, I liked letting thoughts run through my mind as I walk.
Just my luck. Upon arriving at the diner, my boss said that I was not needed that day since they had a special last-minute function and needed banquet workers only. Naturally, I volunteered for it. Unfortunately, I was rejected because I was untrained.
With a dazed mind, fuming over all the spare time I suddenly had, I decided to take a small walk on the cliff that overlooked Ponyville. I made my way to the top, to find some respite.
I surveyed the cliff. All I saw was the unfinished road, a few bushes and rocks. There was nothing exciting up here.
Just as I was about to settle for a quiet spot, I caught sight of a figure at the edge of the cliff. It seemed to be a mare. Upon closer scrutiny, I could tell she had a horn protruding from her forehead. Her purple mane was staging a wild dance in the wind.
Curiosity piqued, I inspected her every movement, listening to every sound that came from her direction. I swore that I heard a soft sobbing earlier on.
I watched her take a step closer to the cliff with every passing moment, gazing skywards.
“No!” I screamed.
Trembling, she turned to face me directly. Her eyes were large and round, expressing nothing but shock. Wow! She sure was beautiful.
Tears were falling copiously from her red swollen eyes.
“Who are you?” she asked, her voice as sweet as she looked.
Her question left a big question mark on my mind. How should I answer? Was I supposed to say my name, or just tell her that I was a mere passerby?
“My name is Bailey. I’m just passing by.” I said both.
“What do you want?” her voice was now shrill.
“What do you want?” I shot back.
Interesting.
She glanced at me for a long time, expecting me to answer my own question.
Then, with a sweep of her hooves, she shrieked, “Go away!”
“I won’t. I’d never leave a mare to die like this.”
She inhaled deeply and then froze and, for a moment, I thought she was going to explode.
“What do you want?” she repeated, apparently confused.
I inched forward.
“Let me help.” I offered, lifting my hooves up.
“No… You won’t understand.”
She cupped her face with her hooves and wailed.
Then, without any warning, she repeated loudly, “You won’t understand!”
“If you don’t even try, how would you know?”
I fought an internal battle to stay calm. The worst thing to what could happen now was to see the mare jump off right before my eyes.
“Nopony can help me.”
“That’s because you refuse to let others help you.” I insisted, my tone so serious that even I was surprised.
“If you’re willing to let others help you, there is hope yet. Trust me.”
An anxious silence ensued.
“So, how old are you?”
Ah, shit! Mares hated ponies to ask about their age… But, it was too late! The words had already been spoken.
With a tinge of playfulness, she replied curtly, “Don’t you know a mare’s age is always a secret?”
Without her knowing, I had took a few steps forward. Two more steps, and I would be standing close to her.
“I’m sorry.” I apologised sheepishly.
I realized she had stopped crying.
“It’s okay..” she replied nonchalantly.
One more step.
“I see.”
With lightning-quick speed, I grabbed her hind legs. As expected, she struggled to break free from my grasp. But, her strength was no match for my will power to control her.
“Let me help!” I commanded as loudly as I could.
She stopped struggling as her eyes closed in on mine.
“Who do you think you are? You really think you can help?”
“Look! I’ve taken a lot of steps to reach you. And, I’m not letting you go unless you accept my help.”
She started sobbing again.
Just as I fumbled for a hooferchief, she lurched forward to hug me, all of a sudden.
~~~~
We sat at a table in Sugarcube Corner in silence. The air was laced with the smell of freshly baked goods, a few other ponies scattered around enjoying a small break from their day.
She never said anything.
I said nothing, as well.
Occasionally, I stole peeks at her.
Without a word, she stood up and headed for the counter.
Within minutes, she was back levitating two cupcakes. She swayed them unsteadily and looked as if she was going to smash them on my face.
“Just kidding!” she bellowed, as she sat down, gracefully landing them on the table.
I took a bite of the cupcake. Sweet.
In between small bites, she continued softly, “You’ve changed my thinking.”
Actually, I still had the burning question: Why does she want to commit suicide? She looks so pretty, so healthy… what could have driven her to the edge?
As if sensing my thoughts, she shook her head vehemently.
“Don’t ask me why, okay?”
“I didn’t ask.” I muttered, taking my another bite of my cupcake.
She nodded, and then tossed her head from side to side, as if she was trying to figure out something.
“You look and talk pretty mature.”
I blushed, taking it as a compliment.
There was nothing much to add. I did not know what to add, and neither did she. We continued eating in silence, each eyeing the surroundings and trying not to make eye contact.
“Aren’t you going to ask anything about me?” she remarked out of the blue.
“Well, erm…” I began with the basics. “What’s your name?”
“Twilight. Twilight Sparkle.” she answered. “You’re Bailey, right? I remember your name.”
“Yep.”
While I picked my brains for the next question, she cut in, “So what are you doing at the cliff?”
“I… erm… I was just passing by.” I stammered, wondering if it sounded weird.
She laughed out loud. “Passing by the cliff? Hmm…”
Awkward silince.
Not knowing what to do, I decided to divert my attention to the long line of customers queuing up.
“Looking for your marefriend?” she teased.
“I’ve got no marefriend!” I protested.
“I’ve got no coltfriend, as well.” she answered quickly.
Now, I was getting more interested.
“Why?” I asked, a little too eagerly.
“Because destiny has written my life.”
I had no idea what she was hinting at.
“I see.” I took another bite while considering what to say.
“Do you believe in destiny?” she asked meekly.
“I believe we write our own destiny.” I said dryly.
She hung her head low, as if she was trying to digest my answer.
“Hey, Bailey, thanks for everything.”
This time, I could feel the sincerity in her voice. “You’re a nice colt.”
With that, she stood up.
“I’d better be going. Bye.”
I nodded in compliance.
She walked off, leaving me alone in the pastry shop. As I watched her disappear into the distance, I was devoured by this intense feeling… It is that feeling that eats into you when you miss someone.
Was I missing her?
Buck!
She was just a mare I barely knew. To make matters worse, she was a unicorn!
Impossible!
It was until I lay in bed that night then, I realized her image still haunted my mind. I did miss her, after all.
I have a hard time seeing Twi trying to kill herself. But the story was very well written. Tracking this one
Hmmmmm... Interesting... and no errors!
OK, so I like the premise BUT there are a few things I would like to see rectified.
1.It's not poorly written, but their dialog is a little... off. I understand that it was probably meant to seem awkward, but I think you overdid it a bit, if that was your intent.
2.As wrangel said, I don't see the reason as to why she would want to kill herself. She seems to have a good life, good friends, and is personally tutored by a freaking goddess. I'd imagine that this was purposeful, but I do hope you clear that up in the next chapter, or perhaps in revisions.
As the firebat would say before burning your house down: "You've got my attention."
An interesting read, a couple things I noticed that were a bit jarring:
1. You give a lot of words toward character dialogue and Bailey's thought process, which helps with characterization, but you seem to shortchange on enviroment description. This felt more to me like I was watching TV, instead of getting the feeling of 'being there'. For example, take this sentence:
"We sat at a table in Sugarcube Corner in silence."
and compare it to (in all fairness, this is just off the top of my head)
"We sat at a table in Sugarcube Corner in silence. The air was laced with the smell of freshly baked goods, a few other ponies scattered around enjoying a small break from their day."
perhaps add in the other description sentences below to help define how the characters are behaving, then start a new paragraph when Twilight gets up to go get the muffins, since she has dialogue when she comes back.
just my $0.02
few minor errors, but very interesting to read!
get a prereader on this and you'll be golden
Pretty Good ! Would like to see more
Ending through me off somewhat.
I hope you continue this story.
As Cloudhammer has already stated, this could definitly use some environmental description.
Other than that, I can easily say that this is a huge improvement in writing style. I can see you really focused on looking out for errors, and it shows. But, it still needs a pre-read ...or is it called an edit now?
continue this.....that is all
i like it but what he look like?
and is twilight cutiemarkless?
well now, this is certainly an interesting tale. i will be watching this, but like many have said before, it needs more environement detail, and a bit of insight into Twilights reasoning. other than that, it earns a mustache wear it with pride, my friend.
Please do continue good sir. Tis an excellent story that I would LOVE to continue to read!
This intrigues me.
I can't wait to see more!
SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!!!! (jk, but a continuance would be nice, this story seems very interesting)
It pains me to say this, but your story is virtually perfect. There are a few stuff ups, as would be expected in any story. Firstly, and most importantly, Twilight has no known motive to throw herself off the cliff. I believe that this motive was being hidden for a surprise and/or ironic ending. Secondly, you went from swearing: 'Shit' to pony swears: 'Buck'. This lack of continuity is one of the only mistakes that was made. Overall, I am impressed and you should be very proud of your work. 5 stars! Just some silly advice from a silly filly!
Oh yes and one more thing! We'd call someone we're going out with our girlfriend, not womanfriend. Notice how it is the CHILD version regardless of age. So I believe MAREFRIEND should be changed to FILLYFRIEND and STALLIONFRIEND to COLTFRIEND. It sounds better that way. Just some silly advice from a silly filly!
Nice story you got here. I appreciate stories without mistakes since it calms my OCD and such...
Interesting. You have earned yourself a track
imma track dis bitch
I believe this to a great start to a new story. It's a new angle at a different Twillight Sparkle and we, the readers, are dealing with a new character; more importantly, a stallion. You don't see many good stallion characters in MLP or, at least, that's my opinion. I'm hoping, if you continue this, that we have a nice possible romance with Bailey and Twillight. If not, I can see an roller coaster of adventure between the two most-likely friends.
I have to say, however, it seems that this was rather rushed. But, one shouldn't put to much effort in experimenting. Just enough to get the point across. In short, keep on going with this. Otherwise, I wasted effort in pressing the track button!
Do continue with this.
Oh and on the second paragraph after "My point of view?", I believe he is a colt not a filly.
Other than that good work. Can't wait to see more.
Great writing!
I want to say its perfect, but I believe that is the worst thing you can say to any artist. It would imply there is no possible way it could be made better ergo it will be their best work regardless of what they do. Point is, this is what I like to call: STFU, TAKE MY MONEY AND WRITE MOAR!
nice, great writing!
ps. where did you get the image?
Ill track it for now and see
Where it might be going, but no stars until its rock solid.
Cheers
~iraqlobstah
102805 There's no such thing as perfect stories, because stories are written by people, and people aren't perfect.
I didn't knew this un-preread fic of mine would get featured
Meh, I guess I'll get off my lazy ass and write more!
102149 Aight, got it! Editing nao!
MOAR PLEASE
as claude frollo might say, "Hell fire! Dark fire! Now writer, it's your turn! Choose us or, your pyre, update or you will BURN!"
Thank you... just... thank you...
Twilight inquiring about destiny huh? What spell hath she wrought?
MOAR PLZ!!!!
must have more
You should definitely continue! I'm certainly interested and I will be tracking.
P.S: You should have called it a flankerchief.
I feel the ending of chapter one was a little too akward. The two characters barely said anything and brings me to believe that Twilight was just blowing Bailey off and will just kill herself right after getting away from him, unless that's what's going to happen. You might want to add more dialogue and bonding in the chapters to come. Other than that great story! Im tracking it!
104344 I'm with him
104344 Okok
I say!
Twilight better have a good explanation
To be honest......................................................................................You need to...............................................................Write more chapter.
awesome i like
i hate to say it but i kind of agree 104344
Damn, I was hoping she would fall off the cliff.
105015
ya
well...
the ending of the chapter was damning
i thought bailey was a filly
bailey usually means girl...
anyway
this story is great!
i'm keeping an eye on it.
105015>>105017 you are terrible people. Although I was thinking the same ting
105169 Twilight might die in the end.
But, Twilight Sparkle is best pony! Why would you want her to die haha
Are they young? Like school child young? Teenager? Or like 20 years old?
101227
The question about destiny may hold a hint. I may be reading too deeply but I couldn't help but think that Twilight may just have found out that Celestia's been manupilating her
>> Jinadan NO! Not Twi! You can't kill Twi! Please don't kill Twi! *sniffle* I'd miss her too much...
105322 Haha i don't know. Maybe.. Just maybe...
On second thought, that's kinda crappy