Great Fixer-Upper with Lots of Potential
“Well, brother of mine, this is one scheme we're not bouncing back from.”
“Don’t be so negative! We’ve come back from worse!”
“Brother, Equestria hasn’t come back from worse, and we both know that’s saying something.”
“Let’s not speak too soon.”
“I’d say I’m speaking right on time. Or were you not looking when Canterlot got blown off the mountain?”
“Hardly the first time. Besides, I was distracted by Applejack charging at us with murder in her eyes.”
“That’s fair, that’s fair. Good turn of speed from a mare her age.”
“And a better one from stallions of ours. I told you that emergency teleporter was a good idea. A two percent of our atoms getting scrambled is basically guaranteed safety!”
“Remember what Mother told us, dear brother. Never believe your own hype.”
“Well, we’re in paradise now, so I’d say the one time was worth the risk.”
“There’s still the not-inconsiderable matter of the ongoing devastation of the known world.”
“Come now, Brother, we’re retired now. A few years earlier than we anticipated, but that’s what this whole island was for, our final reward with fully automated resort. Which should be thataway.”
“If nothing else, restocking that resort’s going to be a problem. To say nothing of any of the automatons breaking down.”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Come now, Brother, soak in the sun! Breathe in the perfume of the exotic flora. Enjoy the fruits of our long labor.”
“I’ll do that when I’ve said my piece.”
“Must you?”
“You’re not distracting me from the main issue. That arcane intelligence was our bright idea.”
“Caveat emptor, Brother. Magimind Industries is not responsible for—”
“This isn’t about legal boilerplate, it’s about whether I’m going to be able to sleep at night.”
“Guilt isn’t like you.”
“And blithe indifference on this scale is a bit much for you.”
“Careful where you stomp; any spider that colorful will have persuasive opinions on the matter.”
“Duly noted. Look, Brother, I’m not saying we start a charity—”
“We’ve started several.”
“I’m not saying we start a charity that gives to anycreature other than us, but I am saying that when we hock untested thinking machines that go off the rails and start trying to cleanse the world of organic life, we should acknowledge our part in the mess.”
“Another of Mother’s little aphorisms?”
“The most important one! You don’t shear a sheep by cutting its throat!”
“… You know, that does sound familiar. Maybe my little scheme to avoid another Gladmane situation was a bit drastic in hindsight. Through this tunnel, was it?”
“No, the one after, that’s the fake entrance. Who or what is a Gladmane?”
“Owned the Glitz before we took over, had us at each other’s throats. Back when we still had a little red in our manes, we agreed to split our memories fifty-fifty so neither of us could operate without the other.”
“That does seem like a reasonable approach. Even if it led to certain disagreements like this one.”
“Yes, well, that mare did say formative experiences would be a tricky matter.”
“Which mare?”
“The psychic surgeon. Green coat, greener mane.”
“Cutie mark of a drooping flower?”
“Might have been. Can’t recall her face or name for the life of me.”
“Or the lives of the rest of the world.”
“I thought you’d said your piece about that.”
“When ‘that’ is the very likely end of the world? I have a fair few pieces left to say.”
“Well, we’re here, so you can at least say them with a piña colada in hoof.”
“Moral outrage is thirsty work. As was the walk.”
“Couldn’t have the arrival site too close.”
“Fair enough, fair enough… Say, Brother?”
“Yes, Brother?”
“In this memory scheme of yours, which one of us should remember our names?”
“Which ones?”
“Our actual names.”
“You mean the ones on our birth certificates?”
“The same.”
“… She did say some things might get lost in the shuffle. Especially if we didn’t use them too much.”
“Ah.”
“Indeed. Though at least I recall where we put the tiki bar.”
“Some small consolation. Though we can’t just ‘Brother’ each other for the rest of our lives.”
“Well, we have plenty of other options to choose from. How about the Flimflams? Plenty of good memories with those charming ne’er-do-wells.”
“Ah, Flim and Flam, those bold rapscallions… Which one was I?”
“Hmm. Which one of us had the mustache at the time?”
“You know, that idea of yours is seeming worse and worse all the time.”
“You did agree to it.”
“We’ve both made a lot of mistakes over the years.”
“I’ll drink to that.”
“You’ll drink to anything.”
“Especially when it’s remembering our more humbling moments. Like any time we crossed paths with the Apple family.”
“I was thinking more our getting into arms dealing.”
“We never!”
“I’ll remind you it was another fine Magimind product that blew the capital off the map.”
“They were harmless novelties! Everycreature from Princess Twilight to the stallion on the street agreed they’d never amount to anything more than shoddy voice replication and the kind of artwork suitable for a dentist’s waiting room.”
“And yet we still happily sold them to the captain of the Guard.”
“We were selling them to anycreature who’d hold still long enough. And that’s a very loose use of ‘we.’ The two of us were hardly going door to door, and the sales team’s grown far larger than just whichever patsy fell off the nearest turnip truck.”
“And yet Captain Lockherd still bought the most sophisticated model we had in stock. From us. Personally. We shook hooves on the matter.”
“Look, Flim—”
“Could’ve sworn I was Flam.”
“Oh, we changed it around every now and again to keep it fresh anyway. Look, Brother, what’s done is done and no amount of hoof pointing after the fact will put Canterlot back together again. We have a gorgeous ocean view about twenty steps thataway and every luxury known to pony. If you want to sit there and give yourself an ulcer, that’s your business, but at least keep it to yourself. It’s just you and me out here and I have no interest in constantly hearing about how miserable you feel.”
“Don’t you feel anything?”
“Of course I do! Even with Applejack charging at us, I saw that disaster as plainly as you did. I have no doubt that I’ll be seeing it in my nightmares for many moons to come. But that’s no reason to dwell on it in our waking hours when we’re so many degrees removed from it. You might as well expect an Equestrian pig farmer to feel bad about a Griffonstone butcher shop.”
“We still—”
“We weren’t the ones who decided plug one of those cogwork nightmares into a defense grid that’s been building up since before Princess Twilight took the throne. As I said, caveat emptor. And any emptor who decides to connect a Tantalite-class arcane intelligence—”
“It was the Opaline-class.”
“Opaline!? That neurotic mess? I’m mixing myself another colada.”
“Make one for your poor old brother while you’re up?”
“You’re three minutes younger than me."
"Oh, sure, that you had us both remember."
"The Opaline. For Harmony's sake, I thought we agreed we’d never put that misshapen heap of diodes on the market. I thought we’d dismantled it!”
“That was the plan, but we were understocked on the Tantalites. And it was the biggest deal of our lives.”
“So you signed off on the replacement?”
“No paper trail, but it was my decision in the end. You were on that trip to North Hayverbrook. And I really did think the worst it could do would just break down harmlessly.”
“I’m beginning to see why you’re kicking yourself. Here, you need this more than I do.”
“Much obliged. But what happened to not dwelling on it?”
“I have no intention of doing so long-term, but I can appreciate new information coming to light. That said, my point still stands. Arguably more so, because that’s one Tartarus of a caveat.”
“And an emptor to match.”
“That’s not how Pony Latin works and you know it. Still a valid point, though. Letting the Opaline prototype anywhere near military hardware is as bad as letting cider sit out in the sun for a month before taking a sip. And as far as I’m concerned, it leaves the two of us just as blameless. And that is all I want to hear on the matter.”
“Well, I do have another matter to raise.”
“Do tell, Brother! I’ll happily discuss any other topic you care to name.”
“Well, you know how we carved out this little chunk of paradise as discreetly as we could?”
“Of course, I was there every step of the way and every bribe we ever gave a builder! Why, we’ve been saving for this place as far back as I can remember!”
“For whatever that’s worth. Still, do you remember how we decided to invest in the AI market so we wouldn’t have to worry about staff members spilling the beans?”
“A stroke of genius on your part, Brother. While I fear your earlier dilemma kept us from turning on the main generators, the heat’s quite nice on my old joints.”
“And mine, yes. But after what put us here, well…”
“Well what?”
“How confident do you feel about actually turning on the main power?”
“What, you don't think the automatons are going to rebel, do you?”
“It’s the already rebelling one that worries me, Brother. The Opaline won’t notice a random tropical island. One with a building on it might make it suspicious. But if it sees the lights are on, much less senses another operational AI in the middle of nowhere…”
“Surely you don’t think it’d uproot itself and start looking for trouble outside of Equestria. And remember, you’re presupposing Princess Twilight won’t take care of it like she always does.”
“Princess Twilight has her hooves full with the rubble of her palace. Besides, remember those drones we dismissed as even more of a passing fancy than AI?”
“Brother, you have to consider the alternative. Two gray old unicorns trying to operate this massive place all by their lonesome? It’d defeat the whole purpose of laying back and letting somecreature else do all the work!”
“Would you say it’s a fate worse than death?”
“Bah. You’ve gotten paranoid in your old age.”
“And you’ve gotten reckless.”
“Hmph. We can discuss the AIs more later, but I’m turning on the power now. That emergency cell’s barely good for more than the bar’s refrigerator, and if you expect me to toil in all this heat and humidity, I demand ceiling fans at minimum.”
“I suppose we can compromise on that much. After all, we…”
“Something wro—”
“Shh!”
“What is it?”
“Shh!”
“Fine, fine… What is that?”
“I think it’s rotor blades.”
“And that was definitely something heavy landing on the patio.”
“The emergency teleporter?”
“Hasn’t recharged, and it just sends us to this island. This is where we’re supposed to run away to.”
“Ah.”
“ORGANICS DETECTED. DO NOT RESIST.”
“I might as well have let you turn on everything the moment we got in. At least we’d die comfortable.”
"I can't believe you made us spend our last moments debating morality."
"Culpability, Brother. Just one more day in the courtroom. And now I can go without regrets."
"Really? I'm already regretting whatever the Opaline-class will do to us."
"Aside from that. See you on the other side, Brother."
"I blame you for everything that's about to happen."
"So do I."
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You know, that's crazy but it actually kind of works for those two. (Also hiiiiii Wally)
Never change, boys. Never change.
See, the real key to writing the Flim Flam Brothers (or whatever they call themselves these days) is the impression of a run-on sentence that's so smooth you can't tell if it's a run-on sentence or an entire novel but you don't care because it's so entertaining you could hear these guys read a phone book or perhaps an A.I. instruction manual.
And we were all wondering how it was these two ended the world back in that one timeline offshoot in the Season 5 finale
11910999
"Bringing characters seen only on one side of the mirror to the other" is even more of a FoME trope than "Yet another Opaline origin."
11911001
The really interesting scenarios come when the brothers are arguing, and so that run-on sentence is effectively filled with intrusive thoughts and inner conflict but still going.
The difficulty in writing a story about Flim and Flam is getting the reader to remember which one is which. The approach you've taken here works well for this story.
But by gum, it put them on the map!
"Crazed magical AI trying to do a Skynet in Equestria" is definitely one of Fanfic Twilight's better excuses for shutting down magic.
The ears are senseless that should give us hearing
To tell her her commandment is fulfilled,
That RoFlimcrantz and GuildenFlam are dead.
(Sorry, couldn't resist a nod given the whole which-one's-which thing.)
I first read that line as "heap of dildoes." Rotflol.
🤣
Regular "lol" for Flim & Flam not being able to remember who was who.
Ohhh, that's a good damn reference for the FlimFlams. I wonder if he took the monorail back home... somehow I doubt it.