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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You got me hooked looking forward to more keep up the good work
Interesting story so far I wonder what got him to Equestria and go through another transformation into an alicorn? Looking forward to see what happen next.
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I think you’ll like the lore behind it I got some interesting ideas ;)
I'm sorry but.....What!
My guess would be hormones. We as human men and women have all our lives to get used to the hormones and urges that those hormones produce. We spend our teenage years mastering them. So as adults, they don't stand out in our everyday life. With a new body, and no time at all to get used to the different hormones and pheromones that the opposite sex puts out, it would literally hit you like a brick. Think about it. You instantly become an adult of a foreign species, with the full hormone charge, no experience learning to deal with it and surrounded by females dumping sex pheromones into the air. Not to mention a more sensitive nose.
I have to say that I'm liking this story. I came here after reading Aethers other story, "Night of the Moon." You can tell by Night of the Moon, that Aethers writing has vastly improved. I highly advise the Author to NOT fix the earlier chapters until the story is completed. He is already eight chapters into it and redoing massive amounts of eight chapters will kill the story. The fastest way to murder a story is to have the Author redo huge numbers of chapters. The story becomes boring to the Author and they loose any enthusiasm to add to it. And so that story dies. You see it all the time on this site. n Author makes a comment that he is going to pause to redo the earlier chapters. He redoes four or five and gets so sick of the story that he drops it. That was four or five chapters that could have been new exciting chapters that could have continued the story.
Here is my advice to the Author. "Smaller sentences." In this story you are cramming too much into most sentences. Try to keep sentences to ten words or less. I think that the majority of the sentences so far in this story really should be two or three separate sentences.
Also, in the name of all that is holy, stop using the word chuckled. Never use that word again in your story. Chuckled is a poison because you will never use any other word BUT CHUCKLED. Want to see proof? In a story of only eight chapters, you use chuckled or chuckles, or chuckling, 41 times. 41 times in only eight chapters. I'm telling you, that word poisons stories because Authors who use it stop using any other word for laugh. Chuckled literally ruined an entire decade of stories on this site. Just read anything from the earlier years of Fimfiction. You will read stories that, if you do a word search use chuckled, 130 times in 12 chapters. (Not an exaggeration)
Other than that, I think this is a fine story. Keep up the good work.
Monk
(an appropriate quote from Dogger807 for this chapter.)
"To be honest, hormones have the backing of countless generations of evolution; thus, they can and will trump common sense or even self-preservation with disturbing regularity." -Dogger807
Wait where are we in the timeline and why is Shining dead?
This needs an editor. Badly. It's... not painful, but rather uncomfortable to read. Something like a stream of consciousness.
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Hopefully Since this chapter, I've gotten a little better. Pacing, imagery, and being more descriptive. My goal is to bring a person (pony) into the moment. Now these early chapters names 1-5 are more like motivation fueled scarcely looked over ideas. I feel that too, I plan to fix that once I complete the story.
Is Shining Armor dead ????