“And Then They All Died a Horrible, Painful, Tragic Death”
“... and guess what happened next? Dashie kissed me! On the mouth, even!”
With great gusto Pinkie Pie slammed down her front hooves on the cafe table, to emphasize that she’d reached the denouement of her story. She beamed happily across the table at all of her friends, across the towering piles of empty plates and glasses, as the other gathered ponies let out a collective gasp, with the exception of Rainbow Dash. For her own part, the rainbow-maned pegasus just grinned--although she looked as though she couldn’t quite decide whether to be proud or embarrassed.
Applejack was the first to recover herself, and she turned to stare at Dash with an incredulous expression on her face. “Didja really kiss her?”
“Well, you know ...” Feigning casualness, Rainbow gave a small shrug. “It just seemed like the thing to do at the time.”
“She’s a super great kisser,” Pinkie added in a stage whisper.
At that, Fluttershy made a soft, strangled noise in the back of her throat, and her face turned several different and very interesting shades of red as she blushed furiously.
While the yellow pegasus floundered in embarrassment, Dash began thumping her own chest with a hoof. “Yes, it’s true. Best kisser in Equestria! Right here!”
Twilight frowned in her pensive, analyzing way. “Should I write to the Princess about this? I think I should maybe write to the Princess about this, so that we can--”
“Oh, Twilight Sparkle, don’t you dare!” Rarity gasped in horror and began rapidly shaking her head. “To even think that you might debase this beautiful, fledgling love affair by treating it as just another homework assignment!”
The other unicorn flinched at the chastisement and hunkered down in her seat, all thoughts of a letter to Celestia immediately abandoned. She had to stifle a sigh, though, as it undoubtedly would have been a really, really great letter. The sacrifices one had to make in the name of friendship ...
Meanwhile, Rarity turned towards the two young lovebirds with unmistakable glee shining in her eyes. “Well, darlings, just what are you going to do now?”
Rainbow and Pinkie exchanged confused looks. After a moment, Pinkie hesitantly offered, “We could … um, we could go play pranks?”
“Pranks are cool,” agreed Dash in a lofty tone, the very picture of magnanimity. “Or maybe try to eat all the cookies at Sugar Cube Corner?”
Grinning, Pinkie nodded at the suggestion offered by her partner in crime. “It would be a big job, no doubt about it--but somepony has to do it!”
“No, no, no,” Rarity interrupted, as a small, strained laugh escaped her lips. “I meant, what are you going to do now that you’re established as paramours?”
There was a silence. Applejack mouthed the word “Paramours?” at Fluttershy, but Fluttershy still had that frozen, deeply traumatized look in her eyes and, consequently, didn’t respond. Twilight helpfully leaned over and whispered the word’s definition in Applejack’s ear. As soon as she had, the earth pony began snickering.
On the other side of the table, more than a little confused, Dash was blinking at Rarity. “Is a paramour like a parasail? ‘Cause I don’t think Pinkie’s very much like a parasail.”
“No, not really,” the pink pony confessed. There was a hint of sadness in her words. “But Dashie kinda is, what with being a pegasus and all.”
“Paramours!” Rarity repeated, her voice rising to its higher registers. “Inamorata! Lovers!” Rarity took in the blank stares of her two friends and sighed. “Fillyfriends, that is to say.”
“Ohhhh,” said Pinkie, slowly nodding.
Rainbow cocked her head and frowned. “Why didn’t ya just say that to begin with?”
Rarity’s right eye gave a very slight but still noticeable twitch. “Anyways. As I was saying, what sorts of romantic activities do you have planned for the future?”
Another awkward silence fell over the table. Fluttershy cautiously lifted her chin, just enough to sneak a peek at everypony through the strands of her long mane.
“You have no idea how this is supposed to work,” murmured Rarity, gazing at her two friends with a growing sense of alarm. “Do you?”
“Weeeell.” Pinkie scrunched up her nose, deep in thought, before shrugging. “I kinda just figured that everything would be like it was before. But with more make-outs!”
“Lots more make-outs,” interjected Dash.
Pinkie giggled a bit. “Lots and lots of make-outs.”
With a scandalized squeak, Fluttershy slipped to the ground and disappeared completely underneath the table. Quickly Twilight ducked her head and went after the skittish pegasus, and from under the table, the other four ponies could hear the magician as she tried to gently coax Fluttershy to return to her seat. Although, from the sounds of things, Twilight wasn’t having much success.
Rarity gritted her teeth. “Make-outs, as you so crudely term them, are not romantic. Do you really mean to say that you’ve no intentions of infusing a bit of romance, a bit of fairy tale charm, into your new relationship?”
Pinkie Pie fixed her eyes onto Dash and squinted intensely, as though trying to gaze into the very depths of the pegasus’ soul. In an unusually quiet voice, she began, “Rainbow Dash and I could … we could …”
Rarity waited with bated breath. A small tendril of hope, tender and fragile, took root within her breast.
“ … we could make Gummy and Tank race each other!”
Dash pumped her hoof into the air, immediately taken with the idea and practically quivering with excitement. “Aww, yeah!”
“No!” screeched Rarity.
Pinkie and Dash both slumped down in their chairs, wearing identical pouts. “No?”
“No!” The unicorn stamped one white, dainty, perfectly-manicured hoof. “That is not how this is supposed to work!”
It was at this point in the conversation that Rainbow Dash made a mistake. A very costly mistake. A mistake that would prove to be the biggest mistake of her life to date.
Frowning, Rainbow glared daggers at the irate unicorn and huffed, “Well, how do you know how it’s supposed to work, anyways? You’ve never even dated anypony!”
Rarity’s eye gave another twitch. A much more noticeable twitch, this time.
As one, the four ponies who were not Rainbow Dash or Rarity rose from their seats and slowly began backing away from the table. Even Pinkie Pie seemed to comprehend that there was a bad moon on the rise, as she placed a firm hoof on her beloved’s shoulder and began tugging, in an attempt to get Dash’s attention.
But the stubborn pegasus continued on obliviously: “And that stupid old Canterlot prince doesn’t count. I mean, you didn’t even like that guy …”
And then they all died a horrible, painful, tragic death.
Well, that is not quite literally true, perhaps. They may not have died actual deaths, in a purely factual manner of speaking. But by the time Rarity’s rage-fuelled, whine-injected lecture drew to a close--nearly an hour after it had began--most of them felt as though they had died. Had died, and been dragged to hell and back. The ones who did not feel this way, meanwhile, simply wished that they had in fact died rather than being forced to face the almighty wrath of a unicorn denied her romance.
When the dust finally began to settle, Rarity did not allow any of her friends to escape until Rainbow Dash promised to buy flowers for her new fillyfriend at least once a week and Pinkie Pie swore to write (and perform) a love song for Dash no less than once a month.
“Now, then,” finished Rarity, with a prim little smile, after she’d successfully extracted these concessions. “Was that really so very hard, darlings?”
In lieu of a verbal reply, the rest of the table just stared at the unicorn with a terrible, crushing sense of awe and fear--and, in the case of Applejack specifically, with a great deal of confusion over just how turned on she suddenly felt.
---
Author's Notes: The title of this one came from my Beloved Spouse, who is deliciously evil. Also, I believe this might be my first attempt at writing in the third-person omniscient. It feels strange. Not bad, but a bit strange.
I saw the chapter title and went "aww"
but then I read it and went haha YAY
AHAHAHAHA
"and, in the case of Applejack specifically, with a great deal of confusion over just how turned on she suddenly felt."
OMFG thats so good
THIS WAS AMAZING. They truly are perfect for eachother.
That tickles the cockles of my heart. They are now hard as pig-iron. No. That's so wrong on at least fourteen levels. Let me try again.
The USS Pinkydash is one of my favorite seagoing vessels, and you have captained her with astonishing grace. The waters were a little choppy, as is common in the route the ship takes, but you brought it home to port with excellent skill.
I look forward to more from you.
...
...
...
26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lfi03wHdlo1qbvc38o1_500.png
Can't...stop...laughing....
Also, Pinkie and Dash amuse me more than usual in this one.
That was funny!!!!!
I can just see it happening!!!!!!!!!
MUCH better....
Good, good, you have redeemed yourself. You have delivered silly dashpie with a side of rarijack. You may live this day. Please do not hit me with more pinkie deaths this week, "Loss" just hit me with fluttercide and if one more person kills a pony I will contact dark forces and go on a killing spree with pinkie. she's still pissed about applejack's promise breaking, she will do it.
160301
My avatar is highly relevant to this comment...
And Danny, I just realized that coincidently, I am tracking every single one of your stories (or was in the case of "Not Unless you Mean it"). Does that mean I'm a fanboy?
159185 Actually The good ship USS Pinkiedash... well it really doesn't matter how choppy the waters are around it. It's staffed with the two most energetic ponies ever... if the ship's a-rocking most times its nothing to do with waves around it. More likely it's causing the choppiness. I think Pinkie stores those cakes in a dark space pocket somewhere and it just fuels her FTL/Antigravity/teleportation. And Dash seems to be powered by pure awsumtanium.
In lieu of a verbal reply, the rest of the table just stared at the unicorn with a terrible, crushing sense of awe and fear--and, in the case of Applejack specifically, with a great deal of confusion over just how turned on she suddenly felt.
See, y'all? NOT ONE DEAD PONY. Not one!
Thanks for all the reviews, everyone. Always leery of doing comedy, so it's good to know that at least some of you found it actually funny. *whew*
159185
I am glad I have proven myself a worthy captain! She be a fine ship, indeed. Yaaarr.
160301
Thank you for sparing my life! I am very grateful. For what it's worth, I can't really handle the dying pony stories either. Just ... Can. Not. Deal.
160341
Whoo! I has a fanboy! Seriously, though, it's very flattering to hear you're tracking all my stuff. Glad you're likin' it so much.
And after this, Donny wrote "Of Apples and Rocks (Not Diamonds)". Another series of stories, this time, exploring the relationship between Applejack and Rarity.
163080
*shifty eyes* Um. On the drive home from work today, I may OR MAY NOT have been thinking about starting a series of RariJack drabbles. *cough* And I may OR MAY NOT have been considering naming it "Of Apples and Fashion."
I'm ... so ... PATHETIC.
Round and round this multiverse goes; what the next chapter will be, only the author knows!
Okay, time to add another author to my watch list...
Yep, I'm pretty sure every tiny fiber of your being is currently holding an amount of skill that outmatches almost any other. That chapter was amazing, and I don't see why you're hesitant on comedy. If anything, you have a better grasp on it than most comedy stories I've read.
I may be a tad late, the SS PinkieDash has set sail and has embarked on it's revolutionary voyage, but is there room for one more passenger to hop on board? If not, you may want to check for stowaways...
163297
That is a -really- strange way to spell "awesome" in that last line.
163297
That's one hell of a typo. You spelled "pathetic" instead of "godlike" on the last line there. And if I were you, I'd call the theoretical Rarijack drabble collection "Of Apples and Diamonds" instead of "Of Apples and Fashion." I dunno why. I just...I just like that one better. Don't judge me.
162887 I seem to be tracking everything you write as well, this was originally not by design. That has changed quickly. I am awaiting Our true colors updates, and that twipie piece was brilliant. Please do the RariJack piece, too few on that pairing, it's always interesting.
167155
169526
D'aww, thanks, you two. I agree that "Of Apples and Diamonds" is a better title, but I've gone and changed my mind and decided to expand my story idea into a general series of shipping stories (excepting RainbowPie, which will continue to go here, because I write way way too much RainbowPie). Not sure on a name, yet, though.
If anyone has story title suggestions, lemme know! If I choose your title, I will write you a little mini-story with your choice of any ship you desire.
169586
That's so flattering. Thank you!
This was brilliant. Never before had I considered quite the destructive potential of friends unveiling their romance to Rarity with all the fussiness and overbearingness that would entail. (Which is weird because I'm hammering out an idea in my head for a story in which Rarity helps one of the mane six prepare for a date.)
170143
"...and decided to expand my story idea into a general series of shipping stories (excepting RainbowPie, which will continue to go here, because I write way way too much RainbowPie). Not sure on a name, yet, though."
To that all I can say is...
http://flutteryay.com
Hm, story requests. I'm going to have to think on this.
172956
Thanks so much for the review and the kind comments. For what it's worth, I was trying to use understatement at the beginning of "After Every Storm," so yay, apparently that actually came through in the writing.
Also, totally looking forward to your "Rarity helps her friend prepare for a date" story, as there is so much awesome potential in that concept. In fact, in an early draft of one of my RainbowPie stories, I had included a bit where Rarity basically abducts Rainbow Dash and drags her off to the spa after finding out that Rainbow's finally going to go on a Big Official Date with Pinkie Pie but isn't planning to even so much as brush her mane beforehand.
Hmm. I should write more Rarity. Rarity is love.
174039
Thanks for the encouragement, but before I get to that I have a rough draft of a story I am working on a story about Angel and Fluttershy.
Weirdly I see Dash as being more susceptible to Rarity's influence on such matters than Applejack. While both would similarly disregard such attention to finery and grooming, Dash seems like the more vain of the two. I can easily see Rarity, mind you not without effort and difficulty, manipulating Dash following her fashion advice by appealing to her ego. (After all how did she get Dash in that horrible outfit in "Swarm of the Century" and Dash mostly complaining about having to stand still?)
Of course that might also depend on who Rainbow is dating. Based on your story above, I can see Rarity being less persuasive if Rainbow is dating Pinkie Pie because they're both fairly laid-back and 'in-the-moment' with their thinking and would probably reinforce that. In contrast it was maybe Twilight or Fluttershy, or definitely Applejack (or one of the Wonderbolts), it would be easier to get Dash's vanity going.
* Author promises fun fluffy stuff *
* Reader sees the title *
* Reader goes on to read the story and finds it fun, fluffy and silly*
> denouement
Oh my god someone else who knows what this means ;_;
And again, your headcanon meshes perfectly with my own. Dash and Pinkie hae almost, but not exactly, the complete opposite of the relationship Rarity would want them to have. And yes, 3rd omni is HARD. I keep slipping back into limited.
I kinda want to spew an old story idea at you now. But will refrain from doing so on your comments.
I love the deliberate misdirection with the tithe, especially after some of the sadder chapters XD
Hilarious and cute my good man!
Silver out!