You're Crazy
Chpt. 13 - You’re Crazy
Monday, March 31st
I’m not crazy. Believe me, I would know. I’m a psychology major, or rather, I used to be, which means I know crazy up, down, forwards, and sdrawkcab. It’s very simple to understand, really. Suppose I had a blue hat. Now, let’s assume you have perfect vision and there’s no problem with the lighting, but you insist that the hat’s pink. You’re crazy. If you believe the hat’s orange, you’re crazy. If you believe it’s a lighter shade of blue, you’re crazy. If you believe it’s green, you’re my roommate. Also, you're crazy. Basically, if you believe it’s any color other than regular, unmodified blue, you’re not right in the mind. So tell me, what color is the hat?
Did you guess blue? If so, you’re crazy. Because you’ve forgotten that, in reality, there is no hat. I bet you think you’re in a bright room with perfect vision too. You see, some people believe you need to be a mad prospector that jumps off other people's roofs every night to be classified as 'crazy', but all you really need is to see a hat where there isn’t one. Craziness isn’t a matter of losing your mind; it’s a matter of losing reality. When your imagination sneaks its way into real life, the cuckoo clock strikes twelve. That’s why I can’t be crazy. My life is just too dull for it to be a product of imagination.
I wish I was crazy, though, because I’d need to be to be enjoying myself. The novelty of interacting with otherworldly creatures was disappearing like most of Pinkie’s pinkness, and I was almost willing to believe that reasonable amounts of fun were against the law here. Blooming flowers were apparently newsworthy, partying appeared to count as a form of entertainment, and with the way most of these horses refrained from showing me their powers, you’d think they didn’t even have any.
Nevertheless, it seemed that keeping up my new role as this "Mork" animal would have to continue for awhile. I’d never forgive myself for sequence breaking after barely getting my feet wet. At least for now, I had to stick with Twilight and Fluttershy, silently hoping for a gigantic marigold with predatory instincts in place of photosynthesis to burst through the wall and swallow one of us whole.
As Twilight completed her third lap around the house, not going one bounce without singing my name, Fluttershy brought us back to the topic of getting me to that library. She insisted that we needed a way to sneak me over there without the added fun of causing mass hysteria.
You know, this sounds like a lot of trouble for something so mundane. For Mork’s sake, if I wanted to go to a library, I could have tagged along on Reed’s tennischess escapade. Do the books at least glow in the dark or come to life on days beginning with Tues?
Rather than suggest an idea, Twilight stopped bouncing for a moment to engulf the entire cake Fluttershy was holding in one bite, making me immediately regret not diving two feet across the room to get a bite of it while I had the chance. It was interesting how excitement in the face of what should have been supernatural wonder could make someone forget his excruciating hunger. I was almost at the point of imagining my hosts as junk food, which would make things pretty awkward if my cousin's wedding was any indication.
"I’ve got an idea!" Twilight cakemouthed, a scornful storm of crumbs flying out of her mouth with each word. Reaching into her hammerspace once again, she began barraging the floor with a pile of random objects, each one odder than the next.
Rook always liked to jump cut past the preparation phases of my plans. He said it was bad luck to know my plan before we enacted it, but I always thought it was just an excuse to be impatient. Twilight, however, seemed to be operating at a speed that would make doing so redundant. In a matter of seconds, she had manifested a literal pile of junk on the floor, following up with a self-satisfactory "tada!"
Fluttershy stared down at the collection of unrelated debris, then looked up at Twilight with an expression that indicated she was completely nonplussed. I elected to go with one showing more wide-eyed dispassion, mainly because I was disappointed she didn’t use her balloons again. Too bad my auto-smile ruined it.
"Now we’ve got everything we need!" Twilight exclaimed as stuck her front hoof into a worn-out boot from the pile, picking it up so the toe pointed towards her face.
"We…we do?" Fluttershy asked, probing the cardboard box lying beside her like she wasn’t sure it was what it was.
"If we didn’t, would I do this?" Twilight asked as she picked up the box Fluttershy was admiring and shoved it over the top of my head, making the room go as dark as my dad’s pancakes. Before I could catch on, I felt a writing utensil rubbing against the box before receiving another snicker from Twilight for no extra charge.
"What do you think, Fluttershy?" she asked. "Pretty lifelike, isn’t it?"
Fluttershy hesitated for a moment. "Oh, um…yes! I can barely even tell there’s a cardboard box on his head."
"Then take one last look, Fluttershy," Twilight commanded, pausing for a moment to increase the tension, "because I’m gonna make Mork disappear."
Following that deceptively interesting statement, what followed was the sensation of about two or three Twilights haphazardly throwing pieces of her junk pile onto various parts of my body, causing about six or seven times as much racket as one Twilight. She had her eyes closed, and her tongue hung out of her mouth as she continued her barrage, her interest in throwing junk at me the only thing preventing her from laughing again.
Or at least, that’s probably what happened. I couldn’t see anything from behind the thick cardboard box that it seemed someone decided to draw a face on in place of adding eyeholes.
She finished with blinding speed, which was appropriate since I couldn’t see it, but then, everything went silent. At first, I thought they had gone off, possibly to get some breakfast while I was left here with a stomach full of nothing. It turned out that Fluttershy was just nonplussed again.
"Um, Pinkie, don't take this the wrong way, but I don’t think this disguise is going to fool anypony."
It's only been thirty seconds since this box went on my head, and now Pinkie's come back and 'anypony' is a word. What's going on out there? Didn't Pinkie have to go to school?
"It’ll be fine, Fluttershy. Nopony will think Mork’s Mork while he’s wearing this costume."
‘Nopony’ better be somepony’s name. My doctor says I can only handle one pun per day.
"It’s just that…it doesn’t even look like a pony disguise," Fluttershy noted, probably observing the crudely designed costume that Twilight had put together.
"They don’t need to think it’s a pony, silly. They just need to think it’s not a Mork," Twilight explained with another giggle.
I keep forgetting that Twilight’s the sensible one here. Her love of parties keeps throwing me off.
"But don’t you think it’ll attract too much attention to us?" Fluttershy asked.
"I sure hope so! Now let's go! Mork's not gonna figure out what he is by himself!" I heard the door burst open again and Twilight’s now-signature bouncing sound effect fade off into the distance.
Odd that Pinkie’s being so quiet. She must be eating my soul with her eyes again. I'm sure that's the only reason she came back. She's a character, that one.
"You’re okay with all this, right, Mork?" I heard Fluttershy’s voice say through the box. I imagined her giving me this look that could turn cookies into dough. I couldn’t say ‘mork’ to it, so I said it twice before being gently nudged forward again.
There was a subtle change in music and temperature that made me believe I was finally outside. Even through the thick clutter wrapped around me, I could still feel the warmth from what I could only guess was their sun. It was a warm type of warmth that only came from the type of sun that loved its job. If I took risks, I’d have bet it wore sunglasses.
Feeling a bit more optimistic now that the sun was in play, I started hearing a few random comments as we made our way towards the library or wherever. Most of them sounded like hushed mumblings about "Pinkie and Fluttershy’s strange new friend in the ridiculous outfit", so, naturally, I was confused as to why they neglected to mention Pinkie's mom as well.
It was also a bit odd that they would refer to Pinkie and Fluttershy collectively when Pinkie clearly had never met Fluttershy before today. Then again, why waste my time thinking about silly things like logic? There was adventuring to be done!
"So far, so good," Fluttershy murmured, her petrifying voice making me forget what she just said and not hear what Twilight said afterwards. However, the next voice was something I heard all too clearly.
I was expecting Pinkie to chime in and maybe insult me again, but instead I heard an altogether different voice call out, "Pinkie! Fluttershy! There you are! I’m so glad I found you! I…what’s that?"
Is Twilight just invisible or something? If so, let me see!
The key instrument in the stranger’s intro theme was one of those woodwind ones. What was it? A clarinet? An oboe? Either way, the theme was nothing to write home about. It was well-performed, I’ll give it that, but it was so predictable I could have hummed along to it after about five seconds of listening.
No matter who this stranger was, it didn’t take a genius to figure out she was referring to me. I almost instinctively said something in response, but thankfully Twilight spoke up first. "That’s a Fluttershy, Twilight. She’s great with animals, but be careful. If you make too much noise, you could scare her away."
Twilight? There’s two Twilights? That's not even legal back home. I better rename the new one so we all don't end up hopelessly confused.
"I meant the other one," Twolight said in a deadpan voice.
"Oh, that’s just a Pinkie Pie," Twilight earnestly replied with a downward inflection. "She’s a bit on the crazy side, but she throws amazing parties and loves chocolate cake!"
Pinkie throws parties too? That’s a bit of a letdown. I thought she was more of the serious type. Wait, rewind that a beat. Wasn’t ‘Pinkie’ just the nickname I came up with for her? That can only mean one thing: I must be the master of names.
"Fluttershy, help me out here," Twolight said as if she’d given up trying to speak with her identically named associate.
"Um…well, Twilight," Fluttershy melodiously replied, "I’d like you to meet…Mork."
It was so beautiful. It had been too long since Diamond had even had a clear mental picture of it, and now it was right in front of her. She could reach out and touch it if she wanted, but she couldn’t break herself from the trance it had over her.
Cheerilee made sure the door was firmly shut after all the other students had gone outside. She rubbed her left eye as she went over to stand by the borrowed chalkboard, trying to think of the best way to begin the inevitable argument. She took a deep breath, deciding to make one last honest attempt to keep things civil.
"Diamond Tiara, please just tell me what's wrong. Are you so upset with this punishment that you felt the need to lash out like this?"
Her teacher’s words snapped Diamond out of her tiara-induced daze. She only heard the last few words of her teacher’s question, but she already had the perfect response to whatever it was.
"Did you say something, Miss Cheerilee?" she asked sweetly with a bitter aftertaste. The distraction of her tiara was unbelievably tempting, but she knew the climax of her performance was about to arrive. She needed to make absolutely sure that every word she spoke, every little gesture she made, and each individual thought she came up with was one-hundred percent brat. To pull that off, she needed to be completely focused.
Cheerilee sighed, taking a step forward to continue the unending debate with her stubborn student before bringing herself to a stop. She rotated back towards the large cloth that was still resting on top of her desk, and an idea sprung into her mind. "Diamond, can you come over here for a moment?" she asked as she strolled behind her desk.
"Do I have to?" Diamond whined, dragging out the ‘have’ to sound additionally irritating.
"If you wouldn’t mind," Cheerilee replied in a tone that meant 'yes'. "And please bring your tiara with you."
Diamond snatched up her tiara like it was a fly on her sandwich and grumbled over to her teacher’s desk. "Are you going to show me your stupid surprise now?" she asked, placing the tiara on the desk without even looking at her teacher.
Cheerilee frowned. "Why, yes. There’s something about it I wanted you to see before the rest of the class." The teacher lifted the yellowish cloth from her desk, revealing a fairly well-sized model of a pony’s skeleton, its brain completely exposed and its heart rhythmically pumping.
"Ew! That’s disgusting!" Diamond shrieked, backing away from her teacher in some sort of nauseated horror. "Why would you show me something like that?"
"Diamond Tiara, tell me again why you think you’re better than the rest of your classmates."
Diamond scoffed, feeling a bit insulted at her teacher’s question. "Miss Cheerilee, why do you keep asking me that? I’m smarter, I’m prettier, I’m nicer, I’m much more hygienic, and I have more talent than anypony in this class is capable of believing they could ever have. How can you forget something like that?"
"What about this model?" Cheerilee asked, placing her hoof on top of it.
"What about it?" Diamond shot back, smirking again. "It’s hideous, disgusting, and boring just like I knew it would be!"
Cheerilee smiled. "But Diamond, how can that be possible? It’s a model of you."
"Wha-what?" Diamond's eyes went buggy. "Don’t insult me! This thing looks nothing like me!"
"Are you sure?" Cheerilee asked. "Take a closer look. It has a brain, four legs, two eyes, a nose, a mouth, a tail, a skeleton, and a heart. Aren’t these all things that you have?"
Diamond stared at it with wide-eyed discomfort. "Well…well, sure, but that doesn’t mean it looks like me."
"Maybe not on the outside, but on the inside, this model could be your twin sister." Cheerilee put her hoof to her mouth. "Oh, wait a minute. I think I see what’s confusing you." She picked up the tiara resting on her desk and rested it squarely on the model’s skull. "There we go. Now do you see it?"
Diamond pinched her eyes shut and stuck her nose high into the air, trying to act as cold-eyed as she could. "Fine, whatever, it’s a model of me. I guess that makes it pretty. Is that what you want? Do you want me to like your stupid model?"
"Actually, I had something else in mind," Cheerilee replied, tuning out her student’s harsh tone and mannerisms. "You see, you’re not the only one to have all these things. Apple Bloom has them too, doesn’t she?"
"All except the brain, sure," Diamond replied, giggling at her own joke.
"And she’s not the only one," Cheerilee continued. "Twist, Snails, Scootaloo, Silver Spoon, Featherweight—"
"I don’t need a roll call, Miss Cheerilee. What’s your point?"
"My point is that I can represent each and every one of my students, including you, with this one model. In fact, I can model everypony in Ponyville with it. So, Diamond, if I were to do that, what would make your model better than anypony else's?"
"That's easy! Mine would..."
Diamond tried to continue, but no words came out. She thought there was a problem with her voice at first, so she let out a small cough to make sure. Her voice worked fine. The problem was that her mind had gone blank. She looked over that hideous model as closely as she could without throwing up, but she couldn't break her own silence.
"It would be the same, wouldn't it?" Cheerilee asked after half a minute of silence went by. "Do you know why? Because when it comes down to this, the basic definition of what it means to be a pony, there is no 'better'. We’re all just as special as each other. Do you understand, Diamond Tiara? Do you see now what I’ve been trying to tell you?"
Diamond was at a loss. She was at a loss because she did understand; it was just too crazy to believe. Unfortunately, her mind was still blanking. She couldn’t come up with an argument against her teacher’s insane logic.
She struggled to come up with anything to scoff at or sarcastically laugh off, but her focus had been thrown off. She couldn't even come up with an annoying noise to stall for time.
Then, just as it seemed that her entire genius plan was about to collapse, a bright light caught her eye from the top of the model's cranium. It was her tiara catching the sunlight that peered in from the window, and the sight of it made something in her brain click.
"Actually, Miss Cheerilee, I take it back," she said as she pivoted away from the desk. "This thing can't possibly be a model of me. I’m not allowed to wear a tiara in class, remember?" she noted, sneaking her teacher a self-satisfied look that she usually saved for her classmates.
Cheerilee gave her model another glance. "Oh, well, yes, I suppose not, but you see where I was going with—"
Diamond twirled back around. "Maybe I could see it better if you took off the tiara and then punished it about seven thousand times for no reason."
"No…no reason?" Cheerilee repeated, making sure she heard correctly.
"That way, you can waste all three of our lives with your meaningless punishments, and the model won’t end up making ponies feel like they’re not special either."
Cheerilee took another good look at her student. The filly's eyes weren’t filled with arrogance and scorn like they had been all that morning. Now they were filled with arrogance, scorn, and honesty. She was actually speaking her mind. As Cheerilee let her words sink in, the teacher began to finally understand the reason behind Diamond's behavior that morning.
"Diamond, do you understand why I’m punishing you?"
Diamond saw her next opportunity and lapped it up. "Of course I do. You have no active social life, so you need somepony to take it out on."
Cheerilee's eyes narrowed. "You can drop the act, Diamond Tiara. I know what you’re trying to do."
Diamond felt a drop of anxiety ripple across her body, but she wasn't about to fold just yet. She sustained her dedicated smirk and condescendingly remarked, "This ought to be good. What am I doing?"
Cheerilee's gaze held firm. "Trying to make a mockery out of your punishment."
"W-what do you mean?" Diamond asked.
"You just told me. You think it's a waste of time, so now you're trying to convince me that it's a waste of time too. I said you could get your tiara back when you start appreciating others, so you're doing the opposite. You're trying to make me think the punishment's doing more harm than good so I'll just end it."
"Isn’t it just brilliant? I came up with the whole thing myself!" Diamond beamed, her fading confidence suddenly replaced with enamored joy.
Cheerilee couldn’t believe it. Not only did Diamond dream up this crazy plan, but she didn’t even seem to understand what was wrong with it. In fact, she seemed proud of it! How had everything sunk to this point?
"But Diamond, I don't understand why you took it this far. You insulted the entire class, including your best friend."
"You never would have bought it if I held back," Diamond said, furrowing her brow, "and Silver Spoon will understand. She and the rest of the class made fun of me all last week, but I'm not so petty that I'd hold it against them."
"They made fun of you?" Cheerilee asked, a different sort of concern present in her voice.
Diamond looked away. "Not to my face, but I know what they were thinking."
Cheerilee covered her flagging eyes with her hoof. "You're honestly telling me you'd rather behave like a little monster than show your classmates a little respect? That’s all I asked for, after all."
"You wanted me to treat them as my equals, Miss Cheerilee. Do you have any idea what that would do to me? Do you want me to have a nervous breakdown?"
"I just wanted to make things better for everypony, and that includes you."
"Well, don’t worry, Miss Cheerilee. I'm sure that things will get better now that it's all behind us."
Diamond smiled cheerfully as she reached for the tiara that was still resting on the model’s head only for said model to be slid backward by her teacher. Diamond dropped her smile for a moment before glancing up at her teacher and resuming it. "You don’t have to clean it for me, Miss Cheerilee. I can wait until tomorrow to wear it."
"I can’t give you this back, Diamond Tiara," Cheerilee replied as her student’s smile sank like steel. "You haven't even made an effort to do what I’ve asked of you. I don’t even think you understand why I punished you to begin with."
"No, I don’t understand!" Diamond angrily shouted. "Why are you so afraid of my specialness? Don’t you want me to be the best I can be?"
"I do want that, Diamond Tiara, but can’t you be at your best without looking down on everypony?"
"That’s the only direction I can look, Miss Cheerilee!" Diamond insisted, resulting in a stunned expression from her teacher. "I have to look down on them. Don’t you understand?"
Cheerilee shook her head, both in response and disappointment. She was starting to develop a headache on top of her drowsiness. A long silence filled the classroom as each of them tried to think of what to say next.
"Miss Cheerilee, do you mind if I tell you a story?" Diamond finally asked.
"What kind of story, Diamond?" Cheerilee raised her eyebrow in intrigue.
"It’s an old pony’s tale that might help you understand my point. It’s called ‘The Mare in the Moon’."
Cheerilee almost giggled. "Well, that’s very thoughtful of you, but I’ve already heard it before."
"Yes, but I don’t think you really got what you needed from it." Diamond gave her teacher her best imitation of the sympathetic expression that Cheerilee herself always made. After getting a quick nod from her puzzled teacher, she cleared her throat and began to tell the story.
Once upon a time, there were two regal sisters. The older sister, Celestia, used her amazing powers to raise the sun every morning, while the younger sister, Luna, used her own lesser powers to drag out the moon every night. They kept it up like this for a few years, but it didn't last. Eventually, Luna realized that her subjects loved her sister’s day waaay more than her night. She wanted to do something about it, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't escape her sister's shadow. Then one night, she snapped, becoming the evil Nightmare Moon and vowing to make sure that her night would last forever. In the end, her sister had no choice but to banish her to the moon, sealing her away forever. So, Equestria was freed from eternal night and Celestia led her subjects into an age of new harmony that carries on to this very day. The end.
"So there you have it, Miss Cheerilee. Is it all clear now?"
"I’m sorry, Diamond. Is what clear now?"
"The moral, Miss Cheerilee! The moral about accepting that some ponies are just better than others!"
Cheerilee’s eyes shot open. That tale was supposed to be a lesson in humility and resisting envy, and that was the moral Diamond got out of it?
"What…what are you…what?" the teacher tried to ask, finding no question adequate to describe what she was thinking.
Diamond groaned. "Princess Luna turned evil because she couldn’t accept the fact that her sister was better than she was."
"Princess Luna became Nightmare Moon because she was jealous of her sister’s popularity. That doesn’t make Celestia better than her sister."
"But her sister was better. It’s right there in the story. Luna turned evil; Celestia stayed good. Celestia was popular; Luna was a nopony. And even after turning evil and getting those cool Nightmare Moon powers, Celestia was still able to seal her away. She was better in just about every way, Miss Cheerilee, and that made her special."
"There’s more to that story, though, Diamond. Princess Luna wasn’t sealed away forever. Thanks to the efforts of the Elements of Harmony, she was freed from her dark powers. Now, she and her sister are working together as equal princesses of Equestria, just as it should be."
"But that’s just it, Miss Cheerilee. They're not equal. Nothing's changed after all these years. I certainly don't know anypony that sleeps during the day and stays awake at night. It’s exactly the same as it was before. The only difference is that Luna’s accepted it. She’s accepted that her night will never be as popular as her sister's day. It’s the same here, Miss Cheerilee. This is what you don’t understand. I'm the day. The rest of the class is the night. I'm Celestia. They're all Luna. That’s why I have to look down on them. They need to know their place or they'll just end up getting smacked down by reality and stranded on the moon for a thousand years just like Princess Luna. Now do you understand?"
Cheerilee had no response to that, not even a twitch of the nose. If Diamond was really this convinced of her superiority, all the punishment in the world wouldn't make her doubt that. She’d never even understand what she was doing wrong. There just didn't seem to be any way to get through to her. It seemed that the teacher's only option was to make Diamond somehow want to improve her behavior. To do that, she'd have to make a filly who thought she was the best at everything want to be better at something.
"You know what, Diamond?" she composedly asked. "You’re right. This punishment is a waste of our time. I’m sorry."
"Really? You mean I can have my tiara back now?" Diamond asked, eagerly leaning across her teacher's desk to grab her headpiece again.
"It’s just a shame, really," Cheerilee sighed, making Diamond stop her advance to listen. "I really thought you could do it."
"You thought I could do what?" Diamond asked out of curiosity.
"I really thought you could go the extra mile and give your classmates some real Diamond Tiara-quality encouragement. I thought you could be the bigger pony and just throw them a bone. I guess I asked too much of you." Cheerilee turned away from her student.
"I…I can be the bigger pony!" Diamond insisted, dropping her tiara back onto the desk. "I’m the biggest pony there is!"
"Oh? You mean you have enough talent to make this class feel good about themselves?" Cheerilee asked doubtfully.
"With my mouth taped shut!" Diamond boasted.
"All right, then I’ll make you a deal," Cheerilee declared, turning around and looking her student right in the eye. "If you can make just one new friend, and that friend can tell me what an uplifting and selfless pony you are, then I’ll give you back this tiara right away, no questions asked. What do you think? Are you special enough to pull that off?"
Diamond’s eyes shifted between her tiara and her teacher as she realized what had just happened. However, she chew off her own tail before she'd let her teacher get away with such an insult.
"I’m Diamond Tiara. It’ll be no problem at all, Miss Cheerilee," she innocently replied.
"Splendid," Cheerilee responded with a tired smile as she picked up the tiara, placing it back inside her desk drawer. "Now then, about your punishment…"
Diamond’s jaw dropped like a dead fish. "My…my punishment? What punishment?"
"Don't think I forgot about your behavior here today," Cheerilee answered with a glare, making the filly’s ears fall flat. "I’m not asking for much. I just want you to apologize for it."
"That’s it?" Diamond asked, her left ear standing up straight on her head before the other one followed suit. "Okay! I’m sorry."
"Not to me," Cheerilee replied, shaking her head, "and not today. I'll give you the holiday to prepare for it, and on Wednesday, I want you to stand in front of this class, and apologize to them. Not only that, but I want you to compliment each individual pony that you insulted here today."
"But I insulted everypony!"
"Then I suppose you better start brainstorming some compliments. And I expect them to be just as well thought out as the insults you brought with you today."
Just then, a shout was heard from outside that caught Cheerilee’s attention, quickly followed by another one. "What's going on out there?" she asked basically to herself as she got up from her desk to check on her class.
"Miss Cheerilee?" Diamond squeaked as Cheerilee reached the door. "You said I just need to make...one new friend?"
"That’s right," Cheerilee replied, her hoof already on the door. "Although, if you want to make more, that’d be great."
"And then you’ll give me my tiara back?"
Cheerilee nodded, giving a warm, reassuring smile. "I promise."
"Spike!" Twilight called as she reentered the library. "Oh, where is that lazy dragon? Doesn’t he know we’ve got work to do?" She turned to her friends and their strange new animal friend. "Sorry for the mess. I meant to have everything organized before having company over, but Applejack wasn't home, and I got a little caught up in looking for her."
"What are you talking about, Twilight?" Pinkie asked. "This place looks amazing! Ooh! Is that a disco ball?" She looked up to inspect the large, glowing orb hanging from Twilight’s ceiling.
"Actually it is, but it’s not there for dancing," Twilight responded to a disappointed Pinkie. "I was doing a bit of studying last week, and I found this new…" Twilight stopped and looked at the creature standing there in the ludicrous pony costume. Fluttershy had insisted that it was harmless, but the timing on its appearance was too perfect. They were supposed to be on the lookout for any strange creatures trying to steal their Elements, and from Pinkie’s description, it certainly had the ‘strange’ part down.
Twilight wondered if this thing could see her crown or her friends’ necklaces if she were to take that brown box off its head; although, whether it could or not, it was best if she didn’t mention any of her magical defenses in front of it for the time being.
"Actually, I think I'm confusing it for something else. I did just put it there for dancing," Twilight explained, putting up a fake smile to convince her friends she was telling the truth.
"All right!" Pinkie exclaimed, extending her hoof around Twilight’s back. "I knew you’d come around eventually, Twilight! Let’s turn on the music and have ourselves a disco party! Where’s your turntables?"
"I don’t have any turntables," Twilight said in dull confusion.
Pinkie sighed. "You’ve still got a long way to go, Twilight."
Twilight ignored Pinkie’s remark and turned back to the second most perplexing creature in the room. "So…why don’t we just get down to business, Mork, was it?"
"Mork mork," the creature said through the box on its head as if the word defined the meaning of its existence.
"That means ‘yes’," Fluttershy chimed in, patting Mork on the back in encouragement.
"Nopony else should disturb us now, so I think we can take off that silly disguise. Fluttershy, a little help, please?"
Fluttershy and Twilight began carefully taking off the different parts of the costume. They started with the ceramic pots covering his legs, revealing a pair of puffy, white gloves on his two front claws and a pair of small, black shoes on his back ones. Twilight felt relieved that Rarity wasn’t here. This sort of asymmetry would have driven her mad.
They continued by taking off the ring of deflated pool floats that were covering its torso, revealing it was wearing some fairly informal clothing that covered everything but its forearms. All of it was a very monotone shade of blue that almost made it difficult to tell if it was wearing two articles of clothing or just one. Finally, Twilight slowly lifted the box off the creature’s head, and she was finally able to see it in full. As she did so, the creature gave her a funny look, seeming to be more surprised than she was.
"Well, Twilight? Can you tell what he is?" Fluttershy asked the inquisitive unicorn.
Twilight almost felt a bit underwhelmed after pulling off that box. The mystery creature was definitely strange-looking, and she couldn’t identify what species it belonged to, but as far as bizarre creatures go, it was so…plain. It had two eyes, one nose, a mouth, two ears, and the typical body shape of any other mammal she could name. Its skin was somewhat orange, but much less so than Applejack's coat; it had no coat of its own aside from a collection of disorderly red-orange fuzz on the top of its head; and its ears were on the side of its head like Spike’s rather than the top like her own. As she walked around it, inspecting it, the only curious note about it was its distinct lack of anything resembling a tail. As far as mammals were concerned, Twilight couldn’t think of a single animal to share that trait.
She wondered if it could be a fully-grown parasprite, but if that were true, she was certain Pinkie could have identified it. Anyway, it would have been a pretty big leap to say it was a parasprite because it had no tail.
"Well, Twilight? Can you?" Pinkie asked excitedly after a few seconds of silence.
"I…well, I…no," Twilight finally admitted after staring at Mork’s face for a good twenty-three seconds.
"Oh, well, we understand. Thanks for helping anyway," Fluttershy said, trying to stay optimistic.
"I do have an idea, though." Twilight walked over to one of the bookshelves as the three others watched closely. She used her magic to grab one of the books from the top shelf and some ink from her desk. She opened the book to an empty page and walked back over with the two objects floating above her.
Pinkie's excitement doubled at that moment. "Oh! Oh! I get it! You’re gonna use your magic to summon some super-smart genie that knows everything but can’t say anything, so you got some ink and paper so he can write down where Mork’s from! That’s Twilight for ya, always thinking."
"I’m just getting Mork’s clawprints," Twilight muttered. "If I can find a similar pair of them in one of my books, it might give us a clue on…what’s wrong with Mork?"
Fluttershy's ears shot up at Twilight’s question, immediately turning to check on Mork's state of affairs. He looked positively terrified. He was shaking from head to shoe, and he had his eyes firmly locked on Twilight.
"Mork, it’s okay. You don’t have to be—"
Before Fluttershy could finish reassuring the creature, he dashed out of that library faster than they could even react to it, leaving an imprint of his body in the front door in the process.
"…scared," Fluttershy finished, moving the hair out of her eyes that had blown into her face.
"Oh no!" Twilight yelped, throwing the door open as stepped into the doorway. "Come on, girls. We need to catch Mork before something bad happens! Who knows how dangerous he could be in this panicked state?"
"Wait for me, Mork! I wanna flee in terror too!" Pinkie called as she bounced out the door.
"Oh dear, oh dear…" Fluttershy repeated to herself as she followed Pinkie out.
Twilight stopped to inspect the door that the crazed animal had ripped through like paper and sighed. "Well, there's one thing we’ve learned about Mork. It seems he doesn’t know how doors work."
Okay, Supernature, I get your game. Give a man a fish and then slap him with it. Fine, you win. You can ignore me for the rest of my natural life. Just keep those crazy horses away from me!
My list of pet peeves was longer than a hallway in a dream, but there were three things on it that stood out above all others. Cold weather ruined going outside, conversations ruined social interaction, and then there was magic. Oh boy, then there was magic.
Most people knew magic as a flashy, happy-go-lucky miracle matter that could do things that would otherwise be impossible, but I knew it for what it was. I knew it all.
It could do some impressive stuff. It could make things levitate into the air, illuminate the dark, turn people into frogs, and make diet soda taste like regular soda, but I wouldn’t touch the stuff for all the ice cream this world had to impress me with. It tried to act like it was this amazing supernatural marvel, but that couldn’t be more of a lie. There was nothing supernatural about it. It was unnatural. It was the ultimate lie.
It would cost a forest to write down the entire list of reasons that made magic insufferable, but a simple poem I learned in fifth grade summed it up perfectly:
Roses are green.
Violets are grey.
If you use magic,
you probably wrote this poem.
It was a simple fact of life. Magic destroyed the mind. Every other public service announcement on television could tell you that. All it took was one spell, potion, hex, or enchantment, and bam! Suddenly, false moustaches were convincing disguises. It was diabolical what magic could do to a person, and these pony things were talking about using it like it was a cabinethopping soap dispenser. Well, they could forget about it. If they wanted to play with the stupid sauce, fine, but I wasn’t sticking around for them to force it on me. I’d dig back to my world with my bare hands if necessary.
I had no idea where I was going, but if I was actually scared enough to zoom again, I knew I had to get as far away from that library as possible before their lazy dragon minion came back. Dragons were practically made of magic, and I knew I couldn't outrun one if it showed up.
Zooming on all fours felt unbelievably awkward, so I switched back to running on two legs. Luckily, at the speed I was going, I probably just looked like a huge blur to everyone, so I don’t think anyone but the screaming ponies diving out of my way even noticed me.
When I finally stopped to catch my breath, I was standing right outside a very gaudy-looking building in the middle of what appeared to be a small town. I didn’t have time to observe anything else, so I quickly popped inside the house before anyone saw, causing a little bell to go off as I stepped inside.
Odd bit of familiarity at a time like this.
As I entered the building, the BGM switched to a very well-rehearsed string piece as if I had just entered a fancy restaurant or a rich supervillain’s lair. The room was filled with a bunch of small, horse-shaped statues that reminded me of the one on my campus’s fountain, only these actually looked like horses.
Though the fact that they had no faces was a little off-putting, the way they had been decorated made them pretty appealing to look at, despite how orange they all were. I figured I must have walked into some kind of art museum given the number of them along with the music.
However, before I could figure any further, I was greeted with the presence of another new pony. This one was white with a swirly, purple mane, and, much like Twolight, she was another to have a weird horn-looking appendage on her forehead. Her intro theme matched the BGM, meaning this was her house. She had walked in from the next room with her eyes closed, which meant I knew exactly how this was going to play out. I got back on all fours and waited.
"I’m terribly sorry to keep you waiting. I hope you don’t hold it against me. I just got back from the spa a few moments ago. You wouldn’t believe how stressful it’s been to try to come up with a new design when all I have to work with is…"
That was as far as she got before she opened her eyes and claimed the title of "Third pony of the day to scream right in my face upon seeing me for the first time." It was a pretty lengthy title, but she definitely earned it.
"Shoo! Get out! Begone you…thing you! This is a place of business, not your primeval stomping grounds!"
Business? What could you possibly be selling here? Ambiance?
I saw that horn on her forehead light up as a broom levitated into the air with a glow around it of the same color. Before I knew it, the head of the broom came swinging down at me as if it had a mind of its own, and I began dodging it like it was made of noise and ice. This horse clearly knew how to use magic, which made her a very intimidating opponent.
A broomstick as a weapon's a bit silly, but I guess it makes sense if she's a witch. She must be a witch.
In addition to telepathically swinging her broom at me, the swirly-haired witch continued yelling, "And where did you ever obtain that hideous outfit? Did you steal it from somepony? That’s very naughty, you know, and didn’t your mother ever tell you that blue doesn’t complement your hair at all?"
Who steals clothes? Matter of fact, who wears clothes around here? The most clothed pony I’d seen today was Pinkie with her ice cream coat.
As I continued sidestepping her broom swipes, she began to get more and more irritated. I was more than fine with leaving, but now I was afraid she had enchanted the door to lock it shut, which meant touching it was out of the question.
I knew I couldn’t keep dodging forever considering how aggressive she was getting, so I started backing over towards the collection of statues in a feeble attempt to get lost in the crowd.
Well, you try thinking up a better plan!
As her next swing barely missed the tip of my nose, I fell backwards into one of the statues, beginning a chain reaction like none I’d ever seen before, and I'd seen ones involving dominoes. Too much happened to explain it all in detail, but let’s just say that it started with me knocking over the statue and ended with a remote-controlled train carrying balloons over a pile of flowers as the witch wiped the orange paint out of her eyes.
At first, I thought she'd melt, but it seemed the paint covering the entire top half of her body wasn't water-based and only served to calm her down. She just stood there twitching her right eye and clicking her tongue, which I took to mean I had a chance to escape. I got back up, trundling toward the window that had been shattered during the great reaction. However, before I could make it back outside, a pillow was levitated in front of it. That sinister glow around it made it the second most terrifying pillow I had ever seen in my life.
"Not so fast, you beast! You must be crazy to believe I'd let you waltz into my boutique, do as you please, and run off without paying for your crimes. You are not leaving until this place is spotless, do you understand? Spotless!"
A clean lair and I can leave? Sold.
The witch’s "boutique" didn’t have sufficiently catchy BGM to work as montage music, so I had to hum my own. It wasn’t the most inspiring montage I’d ever performed, but I managed to finish in about twenty seconds. Considering I was cleaning for a witch, I decided to put in some extra effort to make up for the fact that my work wasn’t instantaneous like she was probably accustomed to. I was just hoping she liked her fabric alphabetized by color and not by type. She certainly had a lot of orange. It must have been her favorite color.
After the place was clean, the window was fixed, and the statues were all set back upright, the witch seemed to have decided to enter a state of meditation. I had heard magicky types liked to do that sort of thing, but I never imagined how creepy it could be. She stood completely still, her mouth agape and her left eye slightly closed like she was looking at something disturbing or modern art.
I’ll never understand magic.
Since the witch seemed to have gone to another realm of existence, I began backing toward the open window in an attempt to finally leave. The sooner I was out of this magical dungeon, the better.
That was when I felt something small and hairy brush up against my leg. I had no idea what flavor of wickedness it was, but it startled me so much that my body sailed straight through the front door, leaving my eyeballs to catch up.
Two is the smallest prime number.The medulla oblongata controls the heart and lungs. Cookies are food. Okay, I'm still here. Whatever that was wasn't magical.
After crashing outside, I could hear the white fiend behind me whining about something, but I simply had no time to care. Witches were a very odd type of villain but not my kind of odd or my kind of villain. I preferred to hatch plots with decent villains who fought with noble tools of antagonism like wit and laser beams, thank you very much.
I just kept moving as fast as my body could zoom from that "place of business". How unfortunate for me that I didn’t even notice I had run right back toward the three ponies I was originally running away from. After we collided, all of us but Twilight ended up on the ground.
"Oh, Mork!" Fluttershy exclaimed, "Thank goodness we found you before something horrible happened. You’re not hurt, are you?"
Don’t fall for it, Mork. Don’t listen to anything that perfect voice says. She’s with them. She probably uses magic to make those wings of hers work!
Before Twolight got back up, I noticed her panic and swipe the ground next to her as if she were grabbing something. Then, she carefully touched the top of her head. Judging from her bizarre movements, I figured she was preparing to cast some diabolical spell on me now that I had fallen back into her clutches.
All right, you purple people persecutor, it’s time I showed you what a human can do when he’s scared out of his mind!
Leaving another dust cloud of myself, I zoomed away from that spot so quickly that my legs turned into wheels. I wasn't going to let them catch me. No matter what happened, I was getting out of this with every last brain cell intact.
Then, just as I was afraid might happen, my bejeepers locked up and my feet slowed down to normal speed as I was forced to use my own stamina to keep myself going. I glanced back to see the magical trio chasing after me.
"Mork, come back! We don't want to hurt you! We just want to help you get home!" Twolight shouted, the deception just oozing from her words.
"Please stop running, Mork!" I barely heard Fluttershy cry over the wind in my ears. "Your little legs will get tired!" She made a convincing argument, but I didn't have enough magic in my system to fall for it.
"Yeah!" Twilight added to the flame with a dangerously jolly grin on her face. "And how are we gonna have our party if you keep running away?"
You're right, Twilight. I should run faster.
As I tried to pick up the pace, I heard a surprisingly familiar change in the BGM. It was a bit different from the way it usually sounded, but I could still recognize it. It was the comedic, carnival-esque tune named after the great BGM researcher who discovered it, Benny Drill. I had entered a chase sequence, and it had reached full swing.
My first instinct was to find a place to hide. I started looking around the area for any nearby newspapers, giant hats, or narrow hallways of doors to help me out, but strangely there were none to be found. Instead, I decided to start simply by ducking behind a wall that I was about to run past. Unfortunately, the magical trio actually stopped and followed me around the corner instead of continuing to run forward.
That’s weird. This music is supposed to make everyone except the one being chased lose control of their common sense, especially for magic users.
I darted down the alley before they could grab hold of me, horrific images coming to mind of what would happen if they did. As I came out the other end of the alleyway, I spotted a small sign to my right, displaying a horse with a mustache and a top hat on it. Thinking quickly, I plucked the mustache and hat right off the sign and put them on myself.
However, when my pursuers emerged from the alleyway, they somehow saw right through my disguise. I pointed off to the distance in an effort to convince them they were mistaken, but they just looked at me like I was using a baseball bat to play cards.
What’s going on here? The music’s still playing, and the chasers have magic on their side. Why is there still so much rational thought around here? And where's all the construction work?
I dashed off once more, leaving my hat and mustache spinning in place from where I departed. At this rate, the magic brigade was going to catch me before the BGM even got through its first cycle, so I decided to use some rational thought of my own. Looking around for a moment, I found exactly what I was looking for. It was my perfect escape route: stairs.
Right off the beaten path, there was a straight, double-jointed staircase that I swear had a spotlight shining down on top of it. I slid down the banister of those stairs and triumphantly stood at the bottom, looking back up to watch my pursuers' laughable attempt to follow.
What now, spellsticks? You’ve been betrayed by your own architecture! Horses can’t walk down stairs!
As the spellsticks followed me by sprinting, bouncing, and flying down the stairs respectively, I came to realize a flaw with my brilliant plan.
Cows! Cows can’t walk down stairs.
I turned around to continue running but smacked right into yet another pony that was standing right in my way. The collision knocked the cowboy hat it was wearing onto my head and gave me the chance to embrace my old friend Mr. Dirt again.
As I opened my eyes, I now saw four ponies staring down at me with an admittedly entertaining diversity of facial expressions. They had now formed a magical quartet. Luckily, the music was still playing, so I was still able to escape. The music may have stopped me from zooming, but I could still zip.
I popped out from behind a wall somewhere, looking around to see where I'd ended up. I was standing next to a building that resembled a schoolhouse with the large bell at the top. The BGM was winding down to a more placid tune, and I didn’t really see any good hiding spots from the side, so I decided to sneak around the back like a ninja to try and find one.
This decision turned out to be another bad idea, as there were about fifteen Pinkie-sized horses back there playing around and having fun. I could feel the gigantic drop of sweat run down the back of my head as they each turned to face me. I slowly slid my new cowboy hat over my face, fruitlessly trying to blend into my surroundings. The lot of them seemed about as shocked as everyone else who’d seen me that morning, though thankfully none of them screamed.
I knew that going back the way I came would send me straight towards brain destruction, so I ignored all the various mumblings from all the young ponies and barreled straight across the playground. None of them tried to stop me. Most just backed out of my way as I ran by.
Halfway across the playground, I looked up from under my hat to see two fillies that were paying me no mind. Both of them were staring through a window, focused on what was happening inside. One was gray and white while the other was orange and purple. I wouldn’t have bothered to note them if I hadn’t tripped over a rusty bucket that was set upright behind them. As I stumbled over it and crashed into the ground for about the seven hundredth time that day, the orange filly standing beside me saw fit to turn around, face me, and take her rightful spot as the fourth screamer. The gray one claimed spot number five shortly after, but she was the only one of the two to take off. The orange one dove onto the fallen bucket like it was the last slice of pizza.
No food metaphors! Don't think about food!
Before I got back up, a twinge of curiosity made me look to see what had the two fillies so invested. It turned out they had a good reason. Behind that window, arguing with some purple mare and still not as pink as she should have been, was Pinkie, or Pinkie Pie, as Twilight clarified.
How does she keep popping up everywhere? If I were crazy, I'd say she was a hat.
My memory of getting slimed by her that morning flooded across my memory banks, and a shocking realization punched my mind in the face. I had spent a great deal of time that morning intentionally making Pinkie mad enough to make hornets fly out her ears, but she never used a drop of magic on me. In fact, there was nothing magical about her. No wings. No horn. She was just normal, supernatural Pinkie.
No wonder she was so rude to Fluttershy. She probably couldn't stand any of this magical nonsense either, which was understandable considering both of her parents were on a first name basis with its admirers. She was probably debating that mare about it as I narrated. That was what I called a filly with her head on straight. I needed to be more like her. I needed to show some backbone in this magical dystopia and take my adventure back!
"Hey, Apple Bloom, isn't that your sister's hat?" I heard a voice squeak, indicating that it was time for me to leave. I picked up my new hat and scrambled to my feet, my newfound determination making me feel both uplifted and nearly invincible.
So, after dashing around the corner of the schoolhouse and slamming directly into the school's flagpole at full speed, me and my new forehead welt stumbled around for a bit, making sure to look as foolish as possible; scared away the birds fluttering around my face; and then meandered away from the school before somepony heard all the high-pitched giggling from the crowd of spectating equine students.
Yep, just like a ninja.
I ran straight back into the heart of the town, taking a quick break to collapse onto my side and catch my breath. I knew it was only a matter of time before those crazy four-legged sorcerers caught up to me again, so I figured I would reopen my eyes to find them standing over me again. However, I instead opened them to find a familiar group of white legs in my line of sight. I slowly tilted my head up to see the white witch giving me her best Pinkie impression, and much to my irritation, my eyes decided to pop out of my head in response.
"You! Look what you did to my door!" she shrieked, pointing back to her museum store. "I don’t know what sort of uncultured grotto you grew up in, but here in Ponyville we use doorknobs!"
Do you? Do you really?
"Rarity! I can’t believe it! You caught Mork!" Twolight called out as she and her cohorts arrived on the scene, one of them being the orange mare whose hat I had liberated. All I noticed about her intro theme was that it involved the banjo. Even without any psychological insight, I knew what that meant.
"I'll take that," she said grumpily as she snatched her hat back. I would have resisted, but honestly, she looked ridiculous without the hat.
"Twilight, what is going on here? Are you acquainted with this…thing?" the witch asked in disgust.
Did they say the witch's name? I didn't quite catch it.
"Well, sort of," Twolight replied. "Fluttershy found him, and we were trying to figure out what he is and where he came from before he just took off for no reason. He didn’t cause you any trouble, did he?"
"Trouble? Just look at my door! It’s positively ruined! How is anypony supposed to take me seriously as a designer with such a ghastly hole in my door?"
The orange one chuckled. "You think maybe you ought to clean the paint out of yer hair before you start talking about ponies taking you seriously?"
The witch’s cheeks turned red as she looked herself over. "Fluttershy!" she whined, dragging out Fluttershy’s name like it was a one-word incantation.
Fluttershy rubbed the top of my head again as she spoke up, "I’m sure he didn’t mean it. He was just scared. Weren’t you, Mork?"
"Mork," I firmly disagreed, my assertion only rewarded with another head rub.
Something is very wrong here. They spent all this time chasing me, and I haven’t even been threatened yet. Is this the part where I'm supposed to show backbone? All right, then. Let the skirmish begin.
"Why don’t we all go back to the library and figure out what to do next?" Twolight suggested.
"That sounds like a splendid idea, Twilight, but do you mind if I make another suggestion?"
I froze, my entire body turning bright white, clothes and all. The majestic voice resonated above everything like the North wind on vacation. It held so much more authority and power that it echoed in my ears. Even my magical adversaries all turned around in surprise to face it, the witch looking positively horrified. As my eyes cleared up from popping out of my head, I was left facing a positively colossal horse, even bigger than a horse from back home, and my eyes popped back out again.
"P-princess Celestia!" Twolight exclaimed, her and and the rest of her legion kneeling down in submission. "What are you doing here? It's only Monday."
It...it is? Still? I knew I should have paid more attention to the date under the chapter title.
"Didn't you get my letter, Twilight?" the white giant asked. "I wanted to make sure that our new guest received a sincerely warm welcome. I thought it would be best if I personally attended to it."
The esteemed princess turned to get an eyeful of me, and I did the same in return once my vision unblurred again. Much like our resident designer-witch, her coat was completely white. In contrast, her mane was at least three different colors, and it never seemed to stop moving. The most notable feature about her, though, was the fact that she possessed both the horn of unlimited magical power and the wings of questionable magic ability. Based on the sound of her imposing intro theme, the reaction she got upon her arrival, the two armored guards behind her, and the obnoxiously regal crown on her head, I knew I was staring at the one in charge, the master of magic, the final boss.
A warm welcome, you say? Call me crazy, but I don't think she's baking me a cake.
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This was an interesting Idea. I can't wait to see what happens next. I only wish that you had another 13 chapters done so that it took a bit more time to finish.
1946767
Did you just read my entire story in one night? If so,
Otherwise, I anticipate the next chapter as well. I think something important is supposed to happen.
1947456
indeed. It took about 2 hours, but cut me some slack. I started at 2 something am, and I was exhausted.
1948123
I'll cut you all the slack you want. I just wasn't aware of the existence of such supernatural reading abilities.
1948191 Considering I wasn't aware of your superb story until last night, I say we call it even. If you ever need ideas, editing, or feedback, don't hesitate to let me know.
1948278
I've actually been looking into finding an additional pair of eyes to help catch some of my errors. I've read through my story about four times now, and I'm sure there's still a few more. If you wouldn't mind though, I'm curious to know if there was any given chapter/moment in the story that really stood out/dragged on. I want to understand the mindset of my readers so I can stick with the good and avoid the bad.
1948337 At this point, your pacing seems to be fantastic, varying between chapters. Even the purple corridor was done at the right speed for a reader. As far as memorable parts, I would say that the introduction of Pinkie Pie was what I enjoyed. She seems to be the character most relatable to him, as people around him normally act in a similar fashion. I found it funny that he seemed to think of her as a great intellectual, and assigned her the name of the actual intellectual of the group.
I love how everybody and everypony bounce along one another. I makes me wonder who the villian is. Is it your main OC? Is it a character that we've been shown or yet to see? I just can't wait.
1953115
Glad someone else picked up on it.
The identity of the villain is my favorite mystery in this story.
1974856
Now I wonder how many flavors of strange there are.
1975353
I see nothing wrong with it. As the author, I can't show favoritism, but it's nice to know both sides have some support.
...
Ryou Bakura from his brief Millenium Item fight with Maximillion Pegasus?
...
What? He said wit and laser beams.
Hehe a connection formed in chaos.
Magic = Enemy number one
I laughed at his rpg.
The flow is greaaatt.
Oh DT she found a new way to deal with you.