Not My Little Diamond

by MagerBlutooth

I'm Never Wrong

Chpt. 19 - I'm Never Wrong

Tuesday, April 1

When he was much younger, Spike had been forced to memorize a checklist of ways to tell if he was in danger. Twilight had said it was paramount, as she had just learned that word a few days earlier and wanted to use it in a sentence, but even at the time Spike thought it was just common sense. Basically, every item on the checklist amounted to something menacing trying to eat, kidnap, harm, or emotionally traumatize him. Seeing as how none of that was the case in his current situation, Spike didn't feel as though he was in danger. Mostly he just felt annoyed.

Whether it was due to genetics or the way she had it tied up, New Leaf's orange, bushy tail resembled that of a lobster's claw, and Spike was quick to learn of her ability to use it like one. Rather than using her mouth or hooves, New Leaf used her tail to grab hold of objects, and right now, the object she held was him. She hid in the thick of a bush at the base of the rocky cliffside with her tail wrapped tightly around him, holding him up to give him a better view.

"Do you see it?" she asked, peeking her head out of the bush as he nodded monotonously. "Yeah, there it is. Just look at it, wriggling around like some kind of slimy, pink thing, looking at stuff with its giant eyes like some kind of nocturnal predator. It disgusts me. The second I get my hooves on it, I'm gonna tie up its wings and teach it how to knit. Then it'll be too busy making scarves to scare me anymore."

"Or you could let me down and I could take care of it," Spike grumbled.

"Not now, Spike," New Leaf said, crouching down and plucking a patch of grass off the ground. "I have to figure out how to knit before it gets away." Spike groaned, annoyed that he had no means to slap himself in the forehead.

A couple yards away from the bush, Rainbow Dash watched the clouds as she calmly lay on her back against the harsh, rocky terrain, her forelegs behind her head. "What's she doing now?" she asked.

Scootaloo glanced toward Spike, then went back to cleaning her scooter. "She's staring at me again. Stuffing some grass in her mouth or something."

"Spike manage to remind her what we're supposed to be doing yet?" Rainbow asked.

Scootaloo glanced again. "Doesn't look like it."

Rainbow shrugged. "Whatever, I guess we'll wait another hour or so for her to remember." She looked over to the bush herself, raising her voice as she said, "I mean, it's not like we're in a hurry or anything!"

"I don't get it," Scootaloo said, spinning her front wheel. "We only lost sight of the owl for a few seconds. I thought that meant her campsite was close by."

"I'm sure it was," Rainbow said, sitting upright. "And we've been wandering around this ridge for so long it probably is again. I guess random ponies that jump out from nowhere and tackle you don't make the most reliable travel guides."

"How is she even still going?" Scootaloo asked. "Didn't you say those bags of hers weighed a ton?"

"A ton and a half easy," Rainbow said. "Per bag."

"She acts like she's not even wearing them. And what's with the ski cap? Isn't it a little hot for that?"

"Forget what I said earlier, Scoots." Rainbow leaned forward, pulling herself onto her hooves. "Nothing good's gonna come from accepting this much weird."

Without a second thought, she marched over to the mare and dragon, Scootaloo following right behind her. "Listen, Leafy," she said, New Leaf dropping the grass in her mouth, "we've been wandering around this place for hours now, and so far you've taken us everywhere except a campsite. Do you even know what a campsite is?"

"Sure I do," New Leaf said. "There's one now." She pointed behind Rainbow toward Scootaloo's scooter.

"No it's not," Rainbow said, not even looking. "Now stop playing around and take us to your stupid campsite already."

New Leaf's eyes narrowed. "Why do you want to go there so badly? Are you planning on performing there, Clowny?" she asked.

Rainbow stepped back. "What?"

"Admit it." New Leaf stepped out of the bush. "There's twenty more of you hiding under that wig, aren't there?"

"Spike, tell her to take us there already," Scootaloo said, looking up at him. "She actually listens to you for some reason."

"What do you mean 'some reason'?" New Leaf asked pulled Spike close to wrap her hooves around his neck. "I wouldn't have married him if I was just going to ignore him."

"Wait, wait?" Spike asked, now sensing danger. "When did that happen? And why am I the last to know?"

"Isn't it romantic?" She grabbed his cheeks in her hooves, staring him in the eye. "The monster that lives on my tushie chose you, and now he won't let you go. And I can see why." Her smile turned fulsome. "You're so...serious."

"Monster?" Scootaloo asked. "You mean your tail?"

"That doesn't make us married!" Spike shouted, attempting to squirm his way out of her grip. "We don't even know each other! All you've done is carry me around for the past hour and ask me to hold your compass." He pulled his arm free and waved it in her face. "And besides"— he blushed as he looked away—"I'm kinda spoken for already. And I don't think—"

As he glanced back to see if he was getting through, all he found was her fervently staring at the compass he was holding. "Are you even listening to me?" he asked.

"Save the sweet talk for later, Hubby," she said. "Let me see my magic needle. I can learn to knit with that."

"Okay, that's it." Rainbow flew up, grabbed the compass from Spike, and chucked it away. "Enough of your stupid jokes," she said, butting her head against New Leaf's. "We've got a serious mission to complete here, and you've just been out here wasting our time."

"You've got a serious mission to complete?" New Leaf said, returning Rainbow's glare. "I've got a serious mission to complete."

"Oh, you do?" Rainbow asked. "And here I thought this was your honeymoon."

Spike glowered at her. "Not helping, Rainbow."

As the two mares and dragon continued to argue, a deep-pitched outcry from above stole Scootaloo's attention. Having desperately pursued the sound for the better half of the previous evening, she recognized it immediately: the sound of an owl's hoot. As she looked up in the direction of the noise, something caught her eye as well as her interest, bringing a smile to her face.

"Hey," she said, grabbing everyone's attention as she pointed up to an alcove on the side of the cliff, "why is there smoke coming out of that cave?" She looked to New Leaf. "Did you set up your camp in there?"

"Yes, but I'm not telling you," New Leaf said, sticking up her nose.

"Nice one, Scoots," Rainbow said, playfully jabbing her across the cheek. "Come on, Spike. Let's go find that owl." She pulled him free and carried him away.

"You mean you could have done that all along?" Spike asked as Rainbow dropped him onto Scootaloo's scooter.

Rainbow just shrugged, turning back toward the bush. "Hey, Leaf, we're gonna swing by your campsite and look for our owl ourselves. Hope that's okay."

"Sure, Rainbow Dash," New Leaf said, her smile coming back. "Have a nice day."

"Uh, right." Rainbow turned around and sped off, the other two following behind. After they'd left New Leaf's earshot, Rainbow looked down to them and asked, "Freakshow?"

"Oh yeah," Spike said as Scootaloo zealously nodded.

The three of them raced around the base of the cliffside until finding the origin of the winding, rocky path that led up to the cave. Guided by the smoke, they sped up the path, hoping that the owl, by some miracle, was still there after all this time. They quickly arrived at the cave's entrance, Rainbow going right inside without even stopping. The other two went in after her.

Aside from the burning fire pit that illuminated the cave, the entire campsite consisted of a small, green tent that looked about ready to topple over. And there, patiently roosting on top of that tent, was a perky, snow-colored owl, its eyes glowing in the dim light of the cave. It flapped its wings in excitement at their arrival, remaining silent as it held its beak open.

At least, that's what Scootaloo saw. To Spike and Rainbow, the sight was much more satisfying.

"My necklace!" Rainbow shouted, darting over to the tent to get a better look. The owl, in turn, flew toward Rainbow to meet her. The two naturally collided, Rainbow's stronger momentum sending them plummeting into the darkness behind the tent.

Spike and Scootaloo waited by the fire for Rainbow to return, listening for some sound to indicate she was okay. It didn't take long for them to hear something, but what they heard wasn't quite what they were expecting. There was a hoot, a crash, and then a shout from Rainbow. Though the series of sounds had them worried, Rainbow soon stepped out of the darkness with the owl on her back and a look of utter annoyance on her face.

"She bit me," Rainbow said, rubbing her ear with one of the large, red shoes on her front legs. "Are we sure this is Fluttershy's owl?"

"It's the only snowy owl I know," Spike said. "And it had to be pretty well-trained if it waited for us all these hours."

"Whatever," Rainbow said, shoving the bird into Spike's arms. "All that matters is I got this baby back." She leaned forward, sticking her chin up to show off her neck.

Though Scootaloo still saw nothing there, it didn't stop her cheers from echoing throughout the cave. "Now we can finally go home," Scootaloo said.

"Why do you think she brought it here in the first place?" Spike asked, pulling his claw away as the owl pecked at it.

"Who cares?" Rainbow asked, doing a quick aerial backflip. "All I know is I'm not letting it out of my sight for the next five days. I'm not even gonna sleep until then. Or nap."

"Should we do something about this fire?" Scootaloo asked, looking it over. "Miss Cheerilee says you're never supposed to leave a fire unsupervised. It could the burn the cave down if we leave it here."

"I'll take care of it." Rainbow picked up the tent and threw it over the fire, smothering the flame and dramatically upping the darkness level. "Now let's get back to Ponyville. There's only a few hours left 'till sunset."

"What happens at sunset?"

The three of them turned toward the entrance of the cave. Standing right outside it was the owner of the campsite, scowling at them with her three gigantic bags still on her back. She slowly walked inside, groaning with every step as she pushed herself forward.

"Uh, nothing." Rainbow said, her eyes adjusting to the light from outside. "It just gets really dark."

New Leaf rolled her eyes and unstrapped her left bag, groaning heavily as she pried it off her side. "Whatever," she said, panting as if she'd run a marathon. "Just leave. I can't stand company."

"Okey-doke," Rainbow said, she and the others cautiously walking around the mare and making their way outside.

"Is this the same mare as before?" Scootaloo asked. "She seems kinda...different."

"I hope not," Spike said. "She was too clingy."

Paying no mind to them, New Leaf flipped open the bag she had dropped as she caught her breath and pulled a bucket out of it. At the sight of her holding the bucket in her tail, Spike started moving a little faster.

New Leaf held the bucket over the extinguished fire pit and turned it upside-down, a green powder falling out that brought the fire back to life, only twice as large and green in color. Scootaloo shouted and leapt back at the sight of it.

"Take it easy, Scootaloo," Rainbow said. "It's just a magic trick. She's probably some kind of performer."

"Is that why she's so weird?" Spike asked.

Scootaloo shook her head. "Not that." She pointed a trembling hoof toward the mare. "H-her flank. It's..."

Rainbow's eyes widened as she saw it too. "Where's your cutie mark?"

"Oh, that?" New Leaf said passionlessly, taking a seat by the fire as she watched the green flame dance in front of her. "I lost it."

---

"She has not lost it," Silver Spoon said, not even turning her head. "Now leave me alone. I'm trying to think."

Apple Bloom sighed as she continued to drag herself forward alongside Silver Spoon, her final hope of convincing somepony stomped into the dirt. She looked ahead to Applejack and the others, listening in on where their conversation had gone.

"And that's when I realized that he never ate you at all," Sweetie Belle said, repositioning her hat to look up at Applejack. "I mean, why would he eat you when he wouldn't even eat Diamond when she was covered in ice cream? Although, I guess he might have taken a little bite if it was cake."

Applejack whistled in amazement, looking further ahead to the one leading the group. "Sounds like you had a right ugly run-in with Mork yesterday, Diamond Tiara."

Diamond looked back with eyes ready to burst from their sockets and a jagged smile on her face as she spit the lower half of her mane out of her mouth. A single cowlick stuck out of her mane that she made no attempt to smooth over, and her words came out at an unusually high pitch as she said, "Yeah, it was hilarious. Random thought: Let's stick to talking about getting your cutie mark, Sweetie Belle."

"But we've been at this for over four hours," Sweetie said. "What else is there to try?"

"What else?" Diamond stopped, relaxing her face as she closed her eyes and rotated her body to face them. A blissful smile swept across her face and she plainly said, "We haven't tried your actual special talent yet." Her eyes shot open just as widely as before. "Right?"

Sweetie jerked back, Applejack catching her before she fell over. With a compliant smile, Sweetie said, "Right, I forgot about that one."

"And don't worry," Diamond said, stepping up to Sweetie Belle and grabbing hold of her cheeks. "Now that I've seen what isn't your special talent, I know exactly what you and Apple Bloom were destined to do."

"Not ta blow the wind around, but haven't ya said that before?" Applejack asked.

"Six times, actually," Sweetie said through her squished cheeks.

"So it's agreed," Diamond said, giving Sweetie her face back as she twirled around and raised her hoof. "This is the one. Let's go, Crusaders." She marched onward, not even turning back to see if they were following.

"I'll trade in my right hind leg for this ta be 'the one'," Applejack said, taking a seat on the ground and turning to her right. "How you holdin' up, Apple Bloom?"

"I'm okay," Apple Bloom said. "I jumped a little when she said my name, but I kept my hooves on the ground this time. I think I'm actually startin' ta get to the point where I can see myself gettin' over it."

"That's great to hear, sis—I guess. I told ya this was a good idea."

"In fact, I think I'm gonna join in on this next crusade." Apple Bloom looked toward the sky. "Wonder what Diamond's got planned this time."

"Something amazing, I'm sure," Silver Spoon said, dropping off her comment as she walked on by. "Diamond Tiara always comes up with the best ideas."

"Then why haven't any of them worked so far?" Sweetie asked.

Silver stopped to look at her. "She can't get it for you, you know. Why don't you try harder?"

"But Diamond keeps saying all of these are easy," Sweetie said. "Last time, she told me to stand still and do nothing."

"It's not her fault the squirrels ignored you," Silver Spoon said. Getting nothing but blank looks, Silver rolled her eyes and stormed off, pushing back her cape to add some grandeur to her departure.

"You know, maybe I should wait until the crusade after the next crusade," Apple Bloom said, turning around. "Or I could just go home. I'm sure Granny could use a massage right about now."

Apple Bloom ran in place, her sister already standing on her tail to keep her from getting anywhere. As Applejack fashioned together the lecture in her mind, she heard her name called out and looked up to see Twilight and Rarity running toward her.

"There you are," Twilight said, coming to a stop. "Did you just get back from Canterlot?"

"Canterlot?" Applejack said. "I ain't been to Canterlot since"—she glanced at her sister—"a while now."

"That's weird. Rarity told me—" Twilight's eyes drooped as she glanced to her assistant.

Rarity put up an innocent front as her eyes searched for something to latch onto. "Sweetie Belle, is that you under that hat?" she asked, lifting it out of Sweetie's eyes. "You didn't take it off, did you?"

"No, Rarity," Sweetie said submissively, lowering her head.

"That's a good girl," she said, still smiling at Twilight as she leaned forward and whispered, "Has anypony asked where you got it yet?"

As Sweetie blew up at her sister on the grounds of being used as a marketing tool, Twilight simply groaned and turned back to Applejack. "You have to come with us, Applejack. It's an emergency."

"Emergency?" Applejack's eyes flew open. "You mean…" She tapped her neck twice, and Twilight gave a barely visible nod. Applejack cringed as she looked back to her sister, who clearly no longer had a clue what they were discussing.

"Applejack?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Is there a problem?" Twilight asked as Applejack turned away.

"It just had to be today, didn't it?" Applejack said softly yet angrily. "That thing really must be evil."

Rarity and Sweetie had fallen quiet at the rise in tension, and Twilight had joined Apple Bloom in confusion.

"Twilight," Applejack said, "I know what this sounds like, and I ain't tryin' ta make light of the situation, but is there any way this can wait? Like maybe a couple hours?"

"We've already lost a couple hours," Twilight said, glaring at Rarity again. "And we were lucky to have those."

"Right, I figured as much. Still—"

"Applejack?"

Applejack slowly turned her head toward the sound of her sister's voice, tasting the bitter words that she was about to speak as she bit down on her lip and envisioning the look on her sister's face as she said them. However, as she made eye contact, she was surprised to find that Apple Bloom was no longer staring at her in confusion. She was glaring at her with absolute confidence. "What's the matter with you?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Huh?" Applejack said.

"You heard Twilight. This is an emergency. And you're already late."

"But what about—"

"Me? Are you serious? Some six-foot lobster could be usin' town hall as a hacky sack right now, and yer worried about me?" She turned away from her. "I don't need you here babysittin' me. Now just get out of here!"

Applejack took a moment to take in her sister's words. "You sure about that?" she asked.

With a softened expression, Apple Bloom turned back and offered a smile. "I'll be fine, Applejack. Miss Cheerilee said so, right?"

Applejack smiled. "All right, I'll go, but you better have some serious fun after I leave, understand?" She turned to Twilight after Apple Bloom nodded. "So what exactly are we dealin' with here?"

"Let's talk about it elsewhere," Twilight said. "We've still got to find the others."

"Why don't we look for Fluttershy next?" Rarity suggested. "I hear she went to Hoofington to look for her missing owl."

"Just follow me," Twilight said, running off toward the marketplace as the other two followed. Applejack took one last look back as her sister waved good-bye before disappearing around the corner.

"You don't look fine to me," Sweetie said, watching Apple Bloom's right foreleg start to tremble as she waved.

"Let's just get this over with," Apple Bloom said, her entire body sagging once Applejack was out of sight.

"I hear negativity," Diamond said, popping up right in between them. As Apple Bloom fell backward, Diamond pulled her right back up.

"You can't get discouraged now, Apple Bloom." Diamond said, making Apple Bloom gibber intelligibly at her proximity. "Those first seventeen things were all just warm-ups. But I've got a good feeling about this one. This is definitely your special talent. And yours too, Sweetie Belle. Take a look. I just finished setting it up."

She pointed them to a large slingshot made out of a giant rubber band tied between two narrow, fuschia poles, which was positioned right in front of a large, white target that had been recently smeared onto the side of a brick wall. Silver Spoon stood beside it with a paintbrush in her mouth as she wiped the sweat from her forehead.

"Let me guess," Sweetie said, looking up at one of the poles. "Pinkie Pie?"

"She said it was the first incarnation of her party cannon: The party slingshot," Diamond said, wiping a smudge off the left pole. "She decided to upgrade a few years ago."

"Oh! Shucks," Apple Bloom said. "I don't got no experience with a slingshot. Guess I better clear the area before I hurt somepony." Apple Bloom turned around to leave only to walk right into Diamond again.

"Why do you think you don't have your cutie mark yet?" Diamond asked, turning Apple Bloom around and pushing her toward the structure. "Trust me. Take one shot, and you'll see your destiny flash before your eyes."

"What are we supposed to be slingshotting?" Sweetie asked, a hefty wooden crate shoved in front of her as a response.

"I got your ammo right here," Diamond said, pulling open the top of the crate. "At first I was thinking something like cherries or pies or rubber duckies, but then I saw these." She reached inside, straining as she pulled out a fully-grown watermelon. "These are so big you can't possibly miss the target. I call them cutie-mark guaranteers."

"Makes sense to me," Sweetie said, putting her hoof on the watermelon as Diamond rolled it to her. As the more eager of the two, she got the first turn by default. She lifted the watermelon in front of the rubber band, lined up her shot, and pulled back. Then she let it go, missing the wall by about a foot as it soared to the left of it, flying straight into the river behind it.

"Whoops." Sweetie turned back to the crate. "Lemme try that again."

"Step right up, fillies and gentlecolts," Diamond said, confidently standing on the right side of the wall as Sweetie loaded up the next watermelon. "Hit the bullseye and win a cutie mark. No tricks, no gimmicks. It's the genuine article. Three bits per ball. First one's free."

Sweetie fired the next one, which also veered to the left of the wall and splashed right into the river.

"Don't be shy," Diamond said, growing more excited as she leaned against the wall. "Everypony's a winner at Honest Diamond's Slingshot Sideshow."

"Diamond Tiara?" Silver Spoon asked.

Another watermelon flew by the left of the wall. "Don't forget to visit the gift shop. We're selling the home version at 50% off today."

"Diamond Tiara?" she asked louder, tapping Diamond's shoulder. "Can I ask you a question?"

Diamond turned to her. "A question? There's no time for questions, Silver Spoon. You gotta hit the target if you want your cutie mark."

"Diamond, what are you talking about? I already have my cutie mark."

Diamond started blinking again, then rubbed her eyes as she sat down on the grass. "Right, right. That's what I meant." She pulled her hooves away from her eyes. "What's up?"

Silver turned her eyes to the ground. "I just wanted to ask: You don't really think I have no life, do you?"

Diamond shut her left eye as she rubbed her forehead. "Is that what I told you yesterday? I thought I went with the one about your mane. I came up with about three for you."

Silver Spoon paused in confusion as another watermelon flew by. "You mean you were planning on insulting me? That was part of your plan?"

"I just had to be prepared," Diamond said. "Why are you so hung up about it? It was a whole day ago, Silver Spoon. We've got more important things to worry about now."

"You mean like pretending to help these blank flanks get their cutie marks?"

"Who's pretending?" Diamond asked. "They need to get their cutie marks. That's the only way this will work."

"The only way what will work? Is this another plan?"

"Look, all you need to know is—" Diamond's sentence was derailed as a heavy fruit made contact with her face, knocking her flat on her face. Silver gasped, stepping back as Diamond groaned and pulled herself up. Her eyes spinning, Diamond wobbled back onto her hooves as she caught a glimpse of the slingshot and the pale-faced Apple Bloom that was standing behind it.

"I—I didn't mean ta?" Apple Bloom said, snatching Sweetie's hat again as a precaution.

As she regained her balance and eye control, Diamond's jagged, trembling smile made its forceful return. At the sight of it, the other three fillies gasped in unison.

Ignoring the gasp, Diamond said with pure enthusiasm, "That wath a great thot, Apple Bloom. You almotht hit the target." Her enthusiasm vanished as she finished her sentence. She slid her tongue around the front of her mouth, her eyes widening as she caught sight of something lying on the grass in front of her.

Seeing as how the hat she held wasn't made of steel, Apple Bloom gave it back to Sweetie Belle and started digging a hole with her bare hooves while Silver Spoon slowly and carefully backed away further. Not a word was spoken until Sweetie Belle fell onto her back in a fit of laughter.

"I'm sorry," Sweetie said, attempting to get a handle on her laughter. "It's just...you sound just like Twist."

Apple Bloom popped her head out of the hole, violently signalling to Sweetie Belle that she put a lid on it. Silver Spoon gave similar instructions from where she was standing.

Diamond's eyes held still on her dislodged tooth as she reached down to pick it up, her emotions mitigated to the point where it didn't even look like her cheek was bothering her anymore. She looked at the tooth resting on her hoof, frowned, flipped her hoof upside-down, and planted it into the dirt.

"Take that back," she mumbled, her hoof quaking as she pushed it into the dirt.

Sweetie Belle's laughter faded. "W-what?"

"I thaid…" Diamond bit down on her tongue, her entire body now trembling. She jerked her head up, her smile reforming like the final stage of a magic trick, missing tooth and all. "You're right. I—I do thound kind of like Twitht."

"You—you do?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Of courth," Diamond said. "Thith ith how Twitht sayth her 'eth' sounds, right? You hear it, don't you, Thilver Thpoon?"

Silver pulled her cape away from her eyes. "Oh...totally," she said, putting up a smile, "I was just about to say that."

"Yeah," Apple Bloom said with a laugh, grabbing the opportunity like it was a stray ice cube in the desert. "You could be her twin sister."

"Let'th not get carried away," Diamond said, her eyes slightly squinching.

"Yes, ma'am," Apple Bloom said, lowering into her hole again.

"Hey, Diamond," Sweetie said, looking up at the local clock tower. "What time did you say that banquet with your dad was?"

"It'th at three," Diamond said. "Why?"

"I think you might want to get going, then. It'll be three in three minutes."

"Already?" Diamond looked up at the clock. "I'll thee you girls later. Don't get your cutie markth until I get back." She ran her tongue through her mouth one more time and raced off toward the river.

The second Diamond disappeared from sight, Apple Bloom leapt out of her hole. "Well, I think Applejack would say I had enough fun for today. I'm gonna go ask Zecora if she's got anything to fix total insanity." Apple Bloom ran off in the other direction, not once looking back.

Sweetie looked over to the only pony left. Silver looked back, having the same ambivalent look of speechlessness on her face. Sweetie coughed as she tried to prevent the silence from getting too awkward. Having no better ideas, she asked, "You wanna go see my sister's new designs?"

Silver raised an eyebrow, moaning in uncertainty as she looked up at the clock tower herself. Then she looked back to Sweetie and asked, "Can I try them on?"

---

She couldn't let him know. She couldn't let him know anything was wrong. If he saw her missing tooth, he'd cancel the banquet, take her to the dentist, and that would be the end of her crusading pursuits. She was too close to victory for all her effort to go to waste now. She just couldn't let him know.

Her thoughts racing as fast as her legs, Diamond bolted across town, evading dozens of ponies pointlessly meandering about the town and gossiping about meaningless things. Didn't they have more important things to do? And if they didn't, couldn't they at least clear the way for somepony who did?

She reached Sugar Cube Corner with a minute to spare, taking that minute to collect herself. Though she couldn't afford to be late, she also couldn't afford for her dad to know she had run there. Both scenarios would have him asking questions that she would be loathe to answer given her current situation. She caught her reflection in the store's front window, noticing a single hair sticking straight up on top of her head.

She licked her hoof and smoothed it over, moving closer to inspect the rest of her appearance since the curtains were shut. She started by checking her teeth. The gap was even more noticeable than she thought. Just one toothy grin would give it away. Fortunately, the watermelon hadn't left any marks on her face, and keeping her teeth concealed wasn't exactly brain surgery. She just wished that was her only problem.

Her gaze still fixated on the window, Diamond reluctantly turned to head inside. As she brought her backside in parallel with her front, the sight of her cutie mark stole her attention away, and a deep-rooted feeling of longing overtook her. Everything about it looked exactly the same. It was still the same beautiful, perfect symbol of her excellence. It still captured everything there was about her special talent, her ability to do everything better than everyone else. It was a mark that perfectly defined her. For all intents and purposes, that mark was her.

So what was she worried about? 'S' was a pretty stupid letter anyway. There wasn't a single one in her entire name. What use did she have for it? She was a pony, not a snake. Besides, it would only be for a few minutes, thirty tops. She could do it for twice that. This wouldn't even be a challenge. Not for her, anyway.

Taking a deep breath, Diamond shut her eyes, put up her best lippy smile and pushed open the front door, calling for her dad as she came inside. Though she heard him greet her back, she didn't see him as she opened her eyes. She also opened her eyes much wider than she originally planned.

Diamond had to consciously keep her mouth closed as she caught sight of the bowl of ice cream her dad had ordered for them. Scoops piled on top of scoops almost up to the ceiling, and each one was a different flavor. The scoops themselves looked like they were each about the size of her head. Her dad peeked his head out from behind it with a smile and said, "Now is this a banquet or do I need a refund?"

Diamond could have smiled. She could laughed at his joke and walked up to join him at the circular table in the center of the room. However, she did none of those things, because the ice cream mountain wasn't what made her eyes widen. It was the messy-haired creature in the blue outfit at her dad's side that was carving a hole into it, stuffing its craw with the stuff faster than it was blinking.

Fear, anger, and confusion shot across her face one by one, each one skillfully pulled off without opening her mouth. Then, her eyes leveled and she flatly said, "Dad, did you have to wear that dorky hat? You look like you belong at that table."

Her dad chuckled as he took off his green baseball cap. "Just thought I'd show a little holiday spirit. Why don't you sit down? Your dorky dad wants to talk with you."

Diamond's posture sagged as she walked up to the table and took her seat, choosing the one furthest from the creature that she could still use to hide behind the ice cream from her dad's line of sight. Not once did she stop glaring at the creature, but it was too preoccupied with food to even notice her arrival.

"So what do you think of my surprise?" her dad asked, slapping the glutton on the back. "Got anything special to say about it?"

Diamond turned her eyes toward the wall, not wanting to say anything more than she needed to say. Then she saw Mr. Cake walk past and found something she needed to say. "Waiter," she said, raising her hoof to signal his attention. "I found a bug at our table. Could you...remove it?"

Mr. Cake looked to where she was pointing and snickered to himself. "Sure thing, miss. I'll go get the Mork spray." He walked off into the kitchen with another chuckle.

"Mork spray, huh? That could make for a fun five-minute exercise." Diamond turned to her left to find an unbelievably shaggy, decrepit pony that she had completely overlooked sitting beside her. His horn glowed black as a pen and notepad appeared, and he scribbled something down. She moved one seat away from him, scanning the rest of the table to make sure there wasn't anyone else.

It was at this time that the orange-haired monster put down its spoon and looked straight at her. And her dad didn't even flinch.

"You should have seen how hungry he was," her dad said, rubbing the top of the beast's head. "You'd think no one gave him breakfast this morning." The old guy dipped his black wizard hat over his eyes.

Diamond wasn't sure how much holiday spirit her dad was showing, but she needed an antidote for it and fast. As she tried to think of her next clever comment, the wizard spoke up. "Now, Filthy," he said, leaning on the table, "let me just clarify. You're telling me I can eat all this ice cream without filling out one request form?"

Her dad looked at the stallion's bowl and smiled at him. "Shooting Star, you sir, can have as much ice cream as you can eat."

Shooting Star's smile creepily appeared from behind his beard, and a spoon manifested in front of him. "Mr. Rich, you just earned yourself a spot on a very exclusive list of mine." He took his spoon and began digging away at his single scoop of vanilla, sending much of it flying away from his face.

Diamond recoiled and sent her eyes straight to the floor, the only thing she could stand to look at. She thought her nauseous reaction to ice cream would have passed by now, but seeing the reason she first developed it alongside some slobbish wooly mammoth with no table manners brought it all back in full swing.

"Aren't you gonna have some?" her dad asked, peeking around the stack of ice cream again, his question forcing her head off the table. She nodded innocently without a hint of disgust on her face.

"Good, I was afraid you might have lost your appetite." He patted the monster on the back again. "Mork here told me you ended up covered in ice cream again yesterday."

"Looks like he was right," he said, noticing her surprised reaction.

Diamond's expression hardened. "What do you mean it 'told' you? That hairy lump of dirt can't talk," she said, making sure her bitterness came across loud and clear.

Shooting pulled the bowl away from his lips and wiped the hair around his mouth clean with the tip of his freakishly long beard. "Oh, he can talk all right. Ask him anything."

"No," Diamond said, turning away from the table. "Not until I hear everything it told you."

"Everything?" Her dad hesitated for a moment. "Let's see. He told me about his family, his awful roommate, his dreams of adventure…"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Diamond said, waving her hoof. "What did it tell you about me?"

"Well, first he told me about all the times you two ran in to each other yesterday. He said you were the first and only friend he made here and that you were one of the smartest, most amazing ponies he'd ever met."

Diamond rolled her eyes. "One of? Come on, Dad, if you're going lie to try to get me to like that thing, at least go all the way."

"Then he told me how you said you wanted to be his big sister."

Diamond's cowlick sprung back up. She turned her head halfway toward the table as if she were fighting against some current that pushed her away. "I didn't mean all the way."

Her dad smiled. "I'm sorry. I know you're embarrassed about it. Mork told me how you made him swear not to tell anyone. He wouldn't even tell me until I promised to keep it a secret."

"Embarra—? Fine!" Diamond faced the table again and sized up the behemoth. It looked just as brainless as it always did, staring back at her with that stupid grin on its face as it rested its fat head on its left claw. She pointed at it accusingly and said, "If you can really talk, then tell me what I have to do to get rid of you!"

The creature played with its spoon as it took in her question, turning to Shooting and saying its ridiculous name once. Diamond looked to the hairy elder in confusion as he pulled his spoon out of his mouth. "He says if you tell the truth, he'll leave right now."

Her dad laughed. "He's got you there, pumpkin. Looks like your brother's already taking after you."

Diamond slammed her hooves on the table. "Don't call it that! It'll never leave! Anyway, that thing wouldn't even make a good pet. Why would I want it to be my brother?"

"From what I hear, he's Ponyville's newest celebrity. Doesn't surprise me you'd want to be able to brag about being related to someone like that."

Diamond calmed herself and pulled back. "I thought I didn't want anypony to know about it."

"Since when has that stopped you from going after bragging rights?" her dad asked. "Anyway, if you'd rather not talk about it, let's just change the subject. Why don't you tell me about your day?"

The creature snapped its fingers and reached behind its back, pulling out a small, green alligator. Extending its arm out like a rubber hose, it reached over and dropped the alligator right on Diamond's head.

"Ah, that's right," her dad said. "I forgot that Pinkie let you look after Gummy. We should get him some lunch." He looked around for Mr. Cake. "How about you, Mork? You need anything? Water, maybe?"

"Why, is the ice cream spicy?" Shooting asked after the creature's reply.

"Dad, that thing dropped an alligator on my head!" Diamond shouted, ripping Gummy out of her hair and tossing him into her bowl. "Don't offer it a reward!"

"That reminds me," her dad said, reaching into his bowl. "I've got a present for you." He pulled out a small necklace and slid it across the table. It was composed mostly of a shiny, golden frame, and at the forefront was the tiny shard of a pink diamond.

"You made it into a necklace for me?" Diamond asked, picking it up. "No fair! I'm trying to be mad!"

"I know you won't admit it," he said. "But I just wanted you to know how proud I am of you for being such a good friend to Mork. In fact..."

"Mork," he said, turning to it. "I don't know if my daughter's told you this yet, but she's being punished right now."

Diamond's eyes shot toward her father.

"I had to take something from her until she showed that she was mature enough to deserve it. What do you think? Does she deserve it?"

Diamond's glowed in shock as they shifted over to the monster, feeling something jump in her stomach as she stared at it, something other than nausea. The entire crux of her punishment had just been placed on the shoulders of some simple-minded creature. Something that probably couldn't even think was being asked to decide everything. It could nod its head by accident, and her dad would probably run off to tell Miss Cheerilee the good news. It was unbelievable. It was unfathomable. It was...unacceptable.

"No!" Diamond shouted. "No, no, no! I'm not having that."

Her dad looked at her in confusion. "Not having what?"

"That!" Diamond said, pointing right at the beast. "I don't want that ending it. I won't let that thing pity me! I won't!"

"Excuse me," Mr. Cake said, meekly interjecting as he approached the table with his twins on his back. "Pumpkin and Pound Cake just woke up from their nap. Would you all mind if they met...the Mork of the hour."

Diamond sat back down in her chair, the wind taken out of her sails. "If you don't care, why would we?" she asked, grabbing her necklace and putting it on.

Taking her words as a sign of acceptance, Mr. Cake put his twins on the table. They looked up at Mork, first in confusion, then in recognition. Upon making the connection, they simultaneously burst into tears.

"Do you need more proof than that, Dad?" Diamond shouted over their wailing.

"What?" her dad asked, his ears against his head.

"I thaid…" Diamond stopped, putting hooves over her mouth and keeping silent as the crying continued.

She turned her eyes away from her dad, and ended up looking at Shooting Star, who was busy scribbling on his notepad that "Mork's presence causes displeasure in infants." She didn't directly count it as an insult against her, but she did officially decide that she didn't like him.

"I'm so sorry about that, Mork," Mr. Cake said, picking his sobbing twins off the table. "They're probably just hungry. They usually are after a nap."

"I know the feeling," her dad said. "Diamond was the same way. I could never feed her enough."

"Dad!" Diamond shouted. "Not in front of the mutant!"

"Why don't I come help you feed them?" her dad offered. "Shooting Star, you come too."

Shooting looked up from his notes. "Me? But I'm no good with kids. Why do I have to go?"

Her dad looked at her. "I just figured Diamond could use some time to work things out with her brother." He got up from the table. "You understand, right?"

"No," Shooting said, "but come to think of it, I do have this new baby formula I've been meaning to test—I mean, donate to a loving family." His horn lit up as he summoned a glowing, golden liquid, its shine stopping the crying and putting the twins in a trance-like state.

"But Dad," Diamond said, as her dad and Shooting left the table, "you can't leave me alone with...that!"

Her dad glanced back. "Why not?"

Diamond struggled to come up with the right words to say, but even just the word 'because' involved that letter. Her mind coming up blank, she looked down in defeat and said, "Never mind."

Shooting grabbed his notepad, and he and her dad disappeared into the kitchen with Mr. Cake, leaving her once again alone in a room with nothing but a monster and a bunch of ice cream.

She refused to make eye contact with it simply because she couldn't stand looking at it, but she made sure to glance over every few seconds in case it decided to reach over and dunk her into the mountain of ice cream as tradition dictated.

After some time had passed, it pulled out a piece of paper from behind its back. The paper was blank on both sides, so she assumed it was just going to eat it or something. Instead, though, it grabbed the pen Shooting Star had left behind. Then it maneuvered the pen around on the paper and tore part of it off, sliding the torn paper across the table toward her.

Though she picked it up to blow her nose into it, she stopped as she realized that legible words were written on it.

Do you hate me?

"I hate boiled cabbage," Diamond said, pointing to the bowl in the center of the table. "But I'd eat this much of it if it meant never having to thee you again."

At first, she was confused as to why her comment made the creature smile, but her confusion cleared up when she realized what she had let slip by. "Thyut up," she said, putting her hooves over her mouth. "You're the latht one I need laughing at me right now."

The creature looked down and wrote another note, tearing another section off and sliding it toward her. She looked at the creature suspiciously as she picked it up to read it.

Are you having issues as queen of the Blanks?

Diamond put the paper down, taking a closer look at the creature who wrote it. She noticed it had some kind of smugness about it, like it was watching a seal do tricks for him. "Have you been thpying on me?" she asked. "Are you trying to win an award for being the biggest freakazoid I've ever met? Because you won that a long time ago."

The creature quickly wrote something else, tore it off, and passed it over. She moved one seat closer and snatched it up, voraciously scanning it.

I take it that's a yes?

Diamond sighed, deciding she'd rather take the chance to vent. "You have no idea." She moved another seat closer. "Thothe blank flankth can't even do the simpletht of tathkth. Just look what they did to my teeth." She flashed it a quick smile. "It'th like somepony turned their brains off, not that they'd notithe."

The creature already had the next note written before she finished.

What about your parents? They're pretty smart, aren't they?

Diamond moved another seat closer. "Of courthe they are. They raised me. Thouldn't that be obviouth?" She picked up the next note.

Are you saying you're smarter than they are?

"No, because I know you'll blab it to them and get me in trouble for it, you thupid thack of week-old pudding." As she grabbed the next note, she saw that the the sack of pudding had a white cat sleeping in its lap, having no clue how that thing could possibly be so tranquil.

How smart would you say you are compared to Twilight?

"What, you mean Twilight Sparkle? How should I know? I don't even know her that well. I can't even remember the last time I said something to her. How many of these are you going to ask me, anyway?"

It held up one finger and scribbled something on the last remaining piece of the page.

Tell me what you think about Diamond Tiara.

Diamond looked at the page in confusion, then at the creature the same way. "Diamond Tiara ith the motht amathing and thmartest pony you will ever meet. And don't you ever forget that."

She smiled confidently as her last statement actually knocked the smirk off the creature's face, just as the kitchen door opened again.

As her dad reentered, the creature scooped up all the paper it had written on and horked it down, leaving nothing but the ice cream and the bowls on the table.

"So how did things go?" her dad asked. "Did you work everything out?"

"Mork," Mork said, looking right to Shooting Star.

Shooting looked up from his notepad and nonchalantly said, "Blankie lost a tooth."

"What did you call me?" Diamond asked, standing up on the table.

The creature shrugged as it took the cat off its lap and stood up, saying its name a second time as he pointed toward the bowl in the center.

"Ask her what's in the bowl," Shooting said.

"The bowl?" her dad asked, looking to Diamond. "Isn't that obvious?"

Diamond kept glaring at the monster. "You little..."

"I can give you a hint if you don't know," Shooting said after Mork said its name a third time. Her dad looked at her expectantly, his eyes telling her to answer the question.

"Ithe cream! It's ithe cream, you big, gross moronthter!" Diamond shouted, gritting her teeth together for all to see.

"What in the name of..." Her dad stared at her in disbelief. "What happened to your tooth?"

"I—I can eckthplain," she said, jumping off the table.

"Mork," the snitch said once again, picking Gummy up out of her bowl.

"You mean it?" Shooting asked, taking a step toward it. "You know?" The thing nodded.

Shooting lit up his horn. "All right. I'll go get them. You wait here." With a flash of black light, Shooting Star disappeared, reappearing a few seconds later on the other side of the table. "No, wait, we need to discuss it in private. Thanks for the ice cream, Filthy." Shooting disappeared again, this time taking the creature along with him.

"Finally," Diamond said, suddenly finding herself moving forward.

"Come on," her dad said, shoving her toward the front door with his head. "We're getting that tooth taken care of."

"What, you mean you're taking me to the the dentitht?" Diamond said, holding onto the door frame. "Now?"

"Dentists clean teeth. They don't replace them. Now let's go. I know who we have to go see." With one more shove, he pushed his daughter out the front door, wincing for a moment before he closed it behind him.

---

Emptiness. Nothingness. A vacant space without any meaning. Scootaloo couldn't get her mind off it, even fifteen minutes after leaving the cave. A single question was echoing through her mind as she and the others made their way around the edge of the Everfree on their way back to Ponyville, and not even the owl on her head could distract her from it. At the rate it was consuming her, she and Spike would end up veering into the forest if she didn't get it out of her system. She had to know the truth. She had to know the face behind the mask of horrors, no matter how grotesque it was.

"That can't really happen, right?" Scootaloo looked up to Rainbow Dash, who was flying next to her in an elated state of accomplishment.

Rainbow returned the glance, not hearing her correctly at first. As her brain caught up with her ears, a wolfish smile spread across her face.

"What, you mean losing your cutie mark?" Rainbow looked back at her own flank with a look of recollected anguish. "Yeah, it's a shame when that happens. I used to have an even more awesome one. Had two lightning bolts and a flaming skull. Had to settle for this one after the incident."

"W-what incident?" Scootaloo asked. "What happened?"

Rainbow's expression was that of the most serious flying clown Scootaloo had ever seen. "I ate a bug on a dare," she said. "The bugs didn't like that. A couple days later they found me, swarmed me, and took it right off my flank."

"Watch out!" Spike shouted, leaning them to the left right before they slammed into a fallen log. Scootaloo hardly paid it mind.

"That was the last time I ever saw it," Rainbow said. "Took me six months before a found a new one. But I got off easy. That's nothing compared to what they did to Kite Flier. Poor guy."

"Who's K-Kite Flier?" Scootaloo asked.

"He was the one who dared me," Rainbow said, choking up.

Scootaloo pulled to a stop, sending Spike flying into a tree and the owl into Spike. She herself toppled into the dirt as a result of the sudden deceleration. As she recovered from her fall, her eyes adjusted to behold a trail of ants marching in a line right in front of her nose.

She reflexively balled herself up as she placed her hooves over her eyes. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean anything by it! I've always liked bugs! I've never eaten one in my whole life!" She took a peek to see if they were listening. "You don't want me anyway. I don't even have my cutie mark. Just take Diamond Tiara's and leave the rest of us alone!"

As she heard the laughter begin, Scootaloo took her hooves off her eyes and looked over to see Spike and Rainbow cracking up, Rainbow herself rolling around in the grass.

"Seriously?" Rainbow asked, wiping away a tear. "Come on, Scoots. What kind of dorky name is Kite Flier?"

"You mean none of that was true?" Scootaloo asked as the owl perched on her head again, looking just as amused as the others. "Then how did New Leaf—?"

"Hello?" Rainbow knocked on Scootaloo's head with her floppy shoes. "Did you forget what day it is already?"

Scootaloo looked back unconvinced. Rainbow groaned before elaborating. "She was messing with us. She probably just covered it up with paint or something."

"Paint? Nonsense. Not nearly toxic enough. I'd use poisonous venom."

"Yeah, you see?" Rainbow said. "New Leaf just—woah!" She flinched at the realization of the ski-capped mare standing right next to her. "Where the heck did you come from?"

"I was just taking one of my usual rigorous, ten-mile hikes, and then I saw you lot," she said, her legs quivering underneath the weight of her three colossal bags. "Figured I'd show some adventurer's hospitality and see what excitement be over here."

"I thought you wanted to be alone," Spike said, taking three large steps away from her. "Isn't that why you told us to leave?"

"Alone?" New Leaf laughed boisterously. She pulled her tail up to her mouth and bit down on it, speaking with it in her mouth like it was a toothpick. "A real adventurer travels with a crew."

"Where's your cutie mark?" Scootaloo shouted as she pointed to the bags that covered New Leaf's flanks. "And no jokes. I wanna know the truth. Did you really lose it?"

"Lose it?" New Leaf asked, loudly laughing again as her tail fell from her mouth. "I guess you could say that." She slid off one of her bags to show them her bare flank.

"Wow, it even looks blank in the daylight," Rainbow said. "That's some quality work for a prank. You use some kind of magic spell?"

"Nope, a tornado," New Leaf said.

"Whoa, hardcore," Rainbow said.

"I got caught in a tropical storm while I was braving the murky depths of the Hayseed Swamps. I fought that wind with every drop of my great adventuring spirit, but I guess the wind had a stronger one. I couldn't give it more than a black eye before it swept me away. When I woke up in Baltimare, my cutie mark was gone."

"So you decided to go camping?" Spike asked.

New Leaf laughed deeply once again. "Oh, I'm not camping. I'm on a mission." She narrowed her eyes. "A very important mission."

"To find your cutie mark?" Scootaloo asked, looking at her own flank. "I'm with ya there, sister."

"It's a top secret mission. I can't tell you what it is."

"She probably forgot what it was," Spike whispered to Rainbow, who cracked a smile.

New Leaf took off her other two backpacks, opening one with her tail and pulling some firewood out of it. "I'm being rude. Allow me to make you all some expedition soup as a sign of my adventurer's hospitality." She dropped the firewood and turned toward the forest. "I'll go get some bowls."

"Don't you have some in your bags?" Scootaloo asked, walking up to them.

"What? You mean these?" New Leaf opened the largest one, letting the bowling balls inside it fall out, nearly toppling over Scootaloo. "These are part of my training regiment. A real adventurer lives off the land. Now wait here. I'm gonna go tie some dirt together with worms." She headed off into the thick of the forest, disappearing into the darkness of the trees.

"You think we should have stopped her?" Scootaloo asked after New Leaf had left.

"Why would we do that?" Spike asked. "Then she'd still be here with us."

"She'll be fine," Rainbow said. "Her adventuring spirit will protect her. Now let's get back to Ponyville before Twilight decides to have a surprise inspection."

"Good idea," Spike said, picking up Scootaloo's fallen scooter. "Come on, Scootaloo. Let's get going."

"Hang on, you guys," Scootaloo said, digging into the pile of bowling balls as the owl excitedly flew overhead. "Check this out." With a single, forceful tug, Scootaloo yanked something large and shiny out. She flew backwards with it, somersaulting over to Rainbow and Spike and landing in front of them. In her hooves, she clutched a small, wooden chest, which she held up after reorienting herself. "I guess she is a real adventurer."

"Better put it back," Spike said, pushing the chest away. "New Leaf might get mad if we go snooping through her stuff."

Scootaloo looked to Rainbow and offered her the chest. "What do you think's inside?"

Rainbow grabbed the chest and inspected it. The outside was painted as green as New Leaf's coat, and it was adorned with several different types of gemstones on its front and sides, giving it the appearance of a treasure chest. However, despite its lavish design, there wasn't any keyhole or latch on it, which meant she could probably open it with a simple flip of her hoof.

"Eh, I don't care," Rainbow said, dropping the chest and turning around to walk away.

Spike picked it up before Scootaloo could snatch it up, holding her at arm's length as she tried to take it back.

"Come on, I just wanna take a peek," Scootaloo said.

"No way. Who do you think's gonna be paying for it if you break it?" Spike said.

"I'm not gonna touch it. I just wanna see what's inside."

"Nice try. I use that one on Twilight all the time."

"Does it work?"

"Nah, but I usually just wait until she goes to sleep and—"

Spike was knocked to the ground as Rainbow Dash soared by him, swiping the chest out of his grasp. "You guys are taking too long," she said, placing her hoof on the top of the chest. "Let's just open the thing and be done with it."

Rainbow pushed back on the top of the chest, finding it heavier than it looked. She pushed harder, using both of her forelegs in an attempt to pry the chest open. As the hinges finally started to turn to create a small opening, a bright light shined out from it, forcing Rainbow to cover eyes and making her relatively defenseless as a green blur pounced on her, knocking her to the ground and sending the chest flying through the air.

Rainbow blinked as she recovered from the flash of light, pinned down by her wings again. Spike caught the chest before it hit the ground.

"What are you doing near this forest, clown?" New Leaf asked, glaring down at Rainbow. "Trying to find a chimera to ride your unicycle? You make me sick."

"Would you get off me?" Rainbow asked, easily pushing the mare off without her bags to weigh her down. She removed her wig. "I told you: I'm not a clown. I just gotta wear this costume until the end of the day."

"Don't tell me who isn't a clown," New Leaf said, standing back up. "I can sense clowns from miles away. I can feel about three of them in the next town over."

"Uh, New Leaf?" Spike said, holding up the chest. "What's this?"

New Leaf's anger transformed into overjoyed excitement. "Hubby!" she shouted, diving straight for him and landing face-first in the dirt as he backed away. As if unaffected by her fall, her tail twitched and wrapped around Spike's body again. She pulled her face out of the dirt and wrapped her hooves around him. "I knew you'd come back to me." She froze as she noticed the object in Spike's grasp.

"Oh, you better let me hold onto that." She dropped Spike, holding onto the chest and taking it over to her open bag.

"Why, what's inside it?" Scootaloo asked, all too eager to know.

New Leaf scratched her chin with her tail. "Let's just say if you open it, the world will end."

"The world will end?" Spike asked, not sure whether to laugh or run. "The real one or your own little one?"

"Uh, New Leaf," Rainbow said uncomfortably, "why are you carrying around a chest that can end the world?"

"Aren't we all?" New Leaf asked. "Anyway, you guys hungry? I can make you some soup." She opened her other bag, the dozens of bowls inside it spilling out. "All we need are some spoons. Oh! I think I have some in my hat."

New Leaf took off her ski cap and reached inside it, her mane falling down over her eyes. She shook it away, reverting it back to its natural shape. At the top, her hair looked uncombed and spiky, but it descended into curls as it neared the bottom. It was an unusual style, but something else about her head drew more attention. Though the entire rest of her coat was green, the top half of her left ear was a strikingly bright shade of red.

"Whoa," Rainbow said, staring right at it. "That's some pretty nasty sunburn you got there. How'd you get it on just your ear?"

"Sunburn?" New Leaf asked, pulling out three spoons from her hat.

"Let me guess," Spike said. "The tornado did that to you too?"

"What tornado, honey?"

"The one that took your cutie mark," Scootaloo said.

"Is that what happened to it? I've been wondering about that since I left Baltimare." She set two of the spoons down and walked up to the firewood with the third in her tail.

"Hey, Rainbow," Scootaloo whispered. "You think this pony might be off her rocker?"

"What was your first clue?" Rainbow asked, watching New Leaf stir the air over the unlit firewood with her spoon. "Just follow my lead."

"Oh my gosh!" Rainbow shouted, pointing up into the sky. "A swarm of swooping, bug-eyed clown zombies!"

As New Leaf looked up, Rainbow snatched up the owl and told Spike and Scootaloo to run as loudly as she could whisper. As they turned to leave, they heard a scream.

"You're right!" New Leaf shouted. "They're everywhere!" She turned back to them. "Clown! Creepy Thing! You two take my husband and get out of here! I'll hold them off for as long as I can!"

"Uh, will do," Rainbow said, hesitating for a moment before continuing her escape, the others chasing after her. As they left, they continued to hear New Leaf's voice shouting at the clown zombies that Rainbow had seen, telling them their white fluffiness didn't intimidate her and insulting how little they actually looked like clown zombies.

After her voice finally faded out, Rainbow turned them and asked, "Freakshow?"

"Oh yeah," Spike said as Scootaloo nodded. The owl threw in a hoot for good measure.

---

Applejack scratched her head as she leaned against the wall next to Rarity. "So how do we know Shootin' Star heard him right?"

Twilight's horn shined as she faced the other way. "We don't."

"And how do we know Mork can actually see them Blank critters?"

"We don't."

"Then how do we know they're even real?"

"We don't."

"Okay." Applejack pulled away from the wall. "So then what part of this seemed like a good idea?"

"Oh, you don't have to tell me how sketchy it sounds," Twilight said, putting up the sixteenth and final forcefield around the alleyway. "But we can't just ignore him. If he's right, this could be our chance to finally learn the truth about that letter."

"A chance? Are ya serious?" Applejack asked. "Yesterday Mork had as much ta do with that letter as Winona. Now he's sayin' he knows more about it than the princess. Speakin' a her, what did she have to say about it?"

"She's still convinced that Mork's on our side," Twilight said. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I want to believe that too. It's just…"

"It ain't easy to trust somethin' that walks on four legs one minute and two legs the next?"

Twilight nodded.

"Now, Applejack," Rarity said, moving away from the alley's lone garbage can as she searched for a reasonably hygienic spot to stand, "there's no need to be so distrusting. I let Mork stay in my home for an entire night, and he didn't make nearly as big of a mess as I thought he would."

"Whether we trust him or not, we should at least be ready with the Elements of Harmony," Twilight said, laying out a map of Ponyville. "Now let's get to work on finding the others. If we split up, we'll be able to make up the time we lost."

"It was a simple mistake," Rarity said, joining them around the map. "Must we continue to dwell on it?"

Twilight ignored her, placing her hoof on one of the three red x's she had drawn on the map. "Rarity, you said that Rainbow was sleeping at her house, right? Why don't we go wake her up first? It'll be better if we look in even pairs."

"No, out of the question!" Rarity shouted, leaping onto the map. As the others looked at her, she put up a smile, stepped back, and sat down. "You see—you have no idea how tired Rainbow was yesterday." She toyed with her mane as she looked away. "We should let her sleep for as long as possible. It just wouldn't do for her to be too tired to use her Element."

Twilight continued to stare at her for another few seconds. "If you say so." She turned back to the map. "That leaves Pinkie and Fluttershy left to find. Huh, déja vu."

"Hey, girls," a fatigued voice called out from the alley's south entrance. "What's up?"

The three of them turned toward it to find a lethargic, greenish Pinkie Pie lying on her stomach and smiling at them weakly. She inched herself toward them like a slug, passing through each of Twilight's forecefields one by one, her curly, pink mane dragging along the ground. She came to a stop on top of Twilight's map, sprawling out her legs.

"Pinkie Pie?" Twilight asked, stepping over to her face. "What happened? And how did you know where we were?"

"Cupcakes," Pinkie said, rolling onto her back, her necklace flopping around on her neck. "So many cupcakes. Filthy wouldn't stop making them. And I couldn't stop eating them." She put her hooves over her distended belly. "I think I ate too much."

The three of them gasped in unison, and Applejack wasted no time in lifting Pinkie onto her back. "Stay with me, Pinkie," she said. "Just take deep breaths."

"It'll be okay," Twilight said, wrapping the map around her like a blanket. "We'll get you to the doctor before you can say—"

"April Foals!" Pinkie Pie shouted, popping out of the nearby trash can dressed as a mime, the garbage inside flying out like confetti. Rarity squealed like a muted rubber duck as some of it landed in her mane.

"You guys totally fell for it," Pinkie said, walking up to a confused Applejack and snatching her necklace off the more distressed Pinkie. She reached into its mouth and pulled out a tape recorder. "Cute dummy, huh?"

"Pinkie, what's wrong with you?" Twilight asked as Applejack bucked the doll off her back. "You put one of the Elements of Harmony on a doll just to prank us? What if one of the Blanks took it while you weren't looking?"

Pinkie cocked her head. "The who?"

"I agree with Twilight," Rarity said, pulling a half-eaten pretzel out of her mane. "This joke was in poor taste."

"I'm sorry," Pinkie said, her smile dimming as she grabbed the pretzel from her. "You want me to try again?"

Twilight moaned as she tapped her forehead a few times. "Just make sure you keep your necklace on your neck, Pinkie. Okay?"

Pinkie scarfed down the pretzel and saluted. "Yes, sir. Won't take my eyes off it again, sir."

"I certainly hope not," Twilight said, "because we may need to use it today."

Pinkie dropped her salute in confusion. "On what, sir?"

"From the sound of it, Mork," Applejack said.

Pinkie gasped, stopping mid-gasp to matter-of-factly ask, "Why? Did Mork do something bad?"

"Not yet," Twilight said. "At least not that we know."

"I still think you're both being much too hard on him," Rarity said, pulling a lollipop out of her mane and holding it up. "How can you say such things about a creature who can't even tell the difference between us and this piece of candy?"

"He can't?" Pinkie snatched it with her tongue like a frog, then giggled. "That is so like Mork. Thinking we're a bunch of suckers."

Twilight attentively jerked her head toward her. "Wait, what did you just say, Pinkie?"

Pinkie swallowed the lollipop, stick and all. "I said it was so like Mork to think that we're lollipops. You know, since he likes candy so much."

"No," Twilight said, pushing her nose against Pinkie's. "You called us suckers, as in ponies that are easily fooled. What if that's what Mork really meant when he said that?"

"I'd buy it," Applejack said, "but are ya sure that ain't just a coincidence?"

"Actually, no," Twilight said. "Think about it. The only reason it made sense before was that we thought Mork was either a crazy animal or a little kid. If everything he says actually has logic behind it, that's the only way it could make sense."

"Twilight, darling, you can't possibly think that's true, can you?" Rarity asked, continuing to pick herself clean. "If Mork was indeed trying to deceive us and truly thought we were 'suckers', as you so eloquently put it, why would he vocalize such thoughts? Surely you don't think he would be that foolish?"

"What if he wasn't asking us?" Applejack suggested. "What if he was asking himself, like when it starts rainin' on yer picnic and you ask if somepony's kiddin' ya. I don't think he was suspectin' Shootin' Star ta translate it anyhow. I know I wasn't."

"You're accusing him of sarcasm?" Rarity put her hoof to her forehead. "The nerve of him. Such depravity." She put her hoof down. "Oops, it seems I'm guilty as well."

"The critter nearly ran off with my hat before I had time to learn its name. That sound innocent to you?"

"Believe me, Applejack, I'm quite aware of Mork's fondness for hats. I even had a nightmare last night about—"

"Mork wasn't interested in your hats." Twilight said, staring at the ground as a thought bubbled up in her mind. "While you were getting his cereal, I brought him inside the library, and he saw your hats." She looked up at her friends. "He glanced at them for less than a second. He didn't even try to touch them."

Rarity lowered her head.. "Funny, I'm not sure whether to feel relieved or insulted."

"I'd go with the first one," Pinkie said, yanking a wet sock off Rarity's back. "Insults are pretty sticky. I think you're already sticky enough."

"Rarity, you said he couldn't see Fluttershy's necklace, right?" Twilight asked. Rarity nodded. "What if he took your hats because he thought they could be your—"

Twilight stopped, her thought derailed by the sound of a rhythmic, hollow, tapping noise. She turned back to find a brown, formally-dressed stallion knocking on the outermost forcefield she had set up, a pink filly standing next to him with the look of wanting to be anywhere else on her face.

Twilight lowered the barrier he was knocking on, and took a step toward him. "Can I help you?" she asked.

"That depends," he said. "Are you Ms. Sparkle? The town librarian and Princess Celestia's student?"

"Yes, that's me. How did you know I was here?"

The stallion looked up. "It wasn't too hard. I asked around. Everypony said to try the giant, purple dome wrapped around more domes over this one random alleyway."

Twilight looked up herself and groaned in frustration. "I forgot to make them invisible." She dropped the rest of her forcefields and walked up to him. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Please tell me Apple Bloom's not involved," Applejack said, looking to the filly at his side, whose eyes grew wide and serious at her statement.

"I don't know who's to blame." The stallion raised his left leg over the filly's head. "All I know is Diamond lost a tooth while she was out playing. Apparently some of her new friends are more rowdy than others. You wouldn't mind replacing it, would you?"

"Lost a tooth?" Applejack said, nudging Twilight aside to see for herself. "Please don't tell me. Did Apple Bloom—"

"No!" Diamond shouted, stepping forward. "It wathn't any of their faulth. It was gravity'th...and the watermelon farmer'th."

"Excuse me," Rarity said, having finally cleaned out her mane. "Aren't you the one who fed Mork that mushroom yesterday?"

A stray hair shot up out of Diamond's mane. "Maybe," she said, smoothing it over again.

Twilight took a closer look at Diamond's face. "That's right. I knew I'd seen you somewhere before. You were a lot wetter yesterday."

"Thankth," Diamond said. She opened her mouth and pointed inside. "Can you fikth my tooth now?"

"Of course. It'll just take a second." Twilight lit up her horn and instructed Diamond to hold still, warning her of the possibility of tickling. The inside of Diamond's mouth glowed purple, and Diamond tried not to laugh as small, white replacement tooth pushed its way out from her gums, coming down to fill in the gap. Diamond licked her front teeth and made a snake-like hissing noise, sighing in relief as she turned away.

"What do you say?" The stallion asked in a sing-song manner.

"Thank you," Diamond said to the dirt.

"Don't mention it," Twilight said. "It was no trouble at—"

"Is it okay if I go now?" Diamond asked, looking up at the stallion again. "My friends are waiting on me."

"All right," he said, the filly turning to leave at his word. "Tell your brother I'm sorry our banquet got cut short."

Diamond stumbled over her hooves, tumbling to the ground and rising back up before anypony could laugh. "Would you please not!" she shouted, her temperament bordering on furious.

"Y'all never told me ya had a son, Filthy," Applejack said.

"Don't look at me." He gestured to his daughter. "It was Diamond's idea. I knew she'd want a little brother one of these days. I just figured it'd be another pony."

"I'm telling you, Dad. I never said that. I'd jump in a bear's mouth before I agreed to be that thing's sister."

"What's she talking about?" Twilight asked.

Filthy shook his head. "She's just having trouble being honest about her new friend, Mork."

"Not friend," Diamond said. "Parasite."

"That's not what your necklace says," Filthy said. "Should I give it back?" Diamond sorely looked away, covering her neck with her hoof.

"Is that true?" Twilight asked, turning to Diamond. "You're friends with Mork?"

"What is this, Opposite Day?" Diamond asked, glaring at her. "Why won't anypony listen to me? That thing is evil! You understand? E-V-I-L, evil!"

"Does that stand for 'eats very interesting lunches'?" Pinkie asked. "Because I'm totally evil."

"What would make you think it's evil, dearie?" Rarity asked, looking at Diamond as she would a lost kitten dressed in plaid.

"What else am I supposed to call it? It's been hounding me wherever I go, pulling my hair, tasting my face, smiling at me like some kind of bloodsucking leech. And now today I found out that it's been spying on me." She angrily glanced over to a flower shop with orange petunias on display in the front windowsill. "It's probably watching me right now."

"Mr. Rich, has your daughter been getting enough sleep?" Twilight whispered. "She seems a bit on-edge."

Diamond leapt forward. "Don't whisper about me right in front of me! I know it's been spying on me. It told me so. It wrote it down and showed it to me...with a nasty smirk on its face...and a cat in its lap. All it was missing was some glowing red eyes and a few bolts of lightning."

"Wait, Mork wrote?" Twilight asked, bitterness spreading across her face as she looked away. "He told me he couldn't."

"You don't happen to have any of the paper he wrote on, do ya?" Applejack asked. "It'd be a mighty big help to us."

"No, the thing ate it all when Dad came back," Diamond said, looking up at him. "Like the slob it is." Her dad just sighed.

"He must have been really hungry," Pinkie said. "Then again he didn't have any snacks in his head this morning, so that makes sense."

"You met up with him too?" Applejack asked. "He say anything important?"

"I don't know. Most of it was just silly Mork stuff. Something about scratching his vocabulary, something about horns being smart, and something about looking less suspicious and infiltrating Twilight's main circle. You know, silly stuff like that."

"He said what?" Twilight asked.

"Ha!" Diamond said, assertively pointing up at her dad.

"And Shooting Star said nothing about it?" Rarity asked.

"Shooty wasn't there," Pinkie said. "It was just Mork."

"So...you heard him talk?" Twilight asked. "Like with real words?"

"Of course not, silly," Pinkie said. "Mork can't talk."

The five of them stared at Pinkie in silence, some in confusion, some in annoyance.

"So ya heard him talk, but he didn't actually talk." Applejack said. "What, did ya read his mind or somethin'?"

Pinkie's smile collapsed as her eyes darted uneasily and she started sweating. "No...of course not," she said, trying to laugh. She fell to the ground at Applejack's hooves. "Please don't turn me in. I didn't know it was a crime. I thought it was just bad sportsmanship during twenty-questions."

Applejack took a step back. "I was kiddin'."

"Why didn't you tell us that earlier, Pinkie?" Twilight asked. "Didn't you think it might be important?"

"Twilight, I don't know if anypony ever told you this." Pinkie stood back up and whispered into her ear. "Mimes aren't supposed to talk."

Twilight shook Pinkie's comment away and started pacing around them in a circle. "Okay, let's assume for now that Pinkie Pie read Mork's mind and heard what she said she did. If he said he was trying to "infiltrate our main circle", that completely contradicts what he thought during the town meeting this morning. Are you sure you heard him say that, Pinkie?"

"Yep," Pinkie said. "He probably wants to play some ring around the rosie."

"What are ya thinkin', Twilight?" Applejack asked.

"I'm thinking I might know why Mork's Dream Puff was so weird this morning. What if his talents with magic were even stronger than we thought? What if he cast his own spell on mine to hide his real thoughts from us?"

"Twilight, you sound as if you're grasping at straws," Rarity said. "Are your forgetting the Test of Harmony spell? I suppose Mork faked his way through that as well?"

"What if he did?" Twilight asked. "When he was describing the Blanks to us, he said they were immune to it. What if he came up with that because he's somehow immune to it? He could pretend to be a harmless, good-natured creature and we'd have to believe him because our own spell proves his innocence. It's almost brilliant."

"If I could interject," Filthy said. "Are you saying that Mork is some kind of professional con artist?"

"No, Filthy," Pinkie said. "She's saying he's a diabolical mastermind that's come to rid the world of everything we hold dear. Keep up!"

"That is enough, all of you!" Rarity shouted, pushing herself into the center. "All this talk of Mork being evil and Mork being deceitful when he may very well be out risking his life for our sake as we speak. Now while it's true that Mork isn't the most upstanding creature I've ever met, he's certainly got more character than the monster you're trying to paint him to be."

A scream startled Rarity off her soapbox as two fillies in red capes ran by, each of them wearing a peculiar-looking hat.

"Get it off!" the gray one as she passed the group. "Get it off me!"

"I'm trying!" Sweetie Belle said as she chased after her. "Stop running away from me!"

The fillies stopped running as Applejack plucked the large spider off the gray one's face. The filly fell to the ground beside Diamond, straightening her glasses as she tried to catch her breath.

"Sweetie Belle, what madness have you gotten into now?" Rarity asked.

"I was just showing Silver Spoon some of your designs," Sweetie said, catching her breath as well. "And that big spider came down and started crawling all over my hat."

"Yeah, and then you freaked out and threw it on my face," Silver said, glaring at her.

"And you were so calm about it," Sweetie said, returning the glare.

"I thought I hogtied you up good yesterday," Applejack said, staring at the spider. "How'd you end up in Rarity's house?"

"Mork," Rarity said, growling the name like a lioness on the prowl. "He left my front door open this morning so his little spider minion could attack my poor, defenseless sister." She hugged Sweetie Belle tightly. "That fiend won't get away with this."

"Spike, take a letter," Twilight said, turning to her back to find no one there. "I mean, Rarity, take a letter. We have to tell the princess before it's too late."

"Are you gonna have it thrown in the dungeon?" Diamond asked, gaining a look of excitement about her. "Or a bottomless pit?"

"That's up the princess," Twilight said, giving Rarity a quill.

"Can't you just squish it?" Silver Spoon asked.

"No, darling," Rarity said. "We're not talking about the—"

"Great idea, Silver Spoon," Diamond said, much to Silver's delight. "Let's go with that."

Before a counterargument could be made, the alleyway darkened in color for an instant, and Shooting Star appeared out of the blackness.

"Snarkle, there you are," he said. "I've got great news."

"How did you find us?" Twilight asked.

Shooting pulled out a vial of purple liquid with pink chunks floating inside. "Just had a swig of Twilight Sparkle's location. Tastes a little spicy. Is something wrong?"

"I'll say there is!" Rarity shouted. "Mork—" Twilight stopped her with a hoof over her mouth.

"What did you want to tell us?" Twilight asked with a straight-face.

Shooting smiled and clapped his front hooves together. "Great news. Mork's done it. He found the main Blank."

"Oh, he has, has he?" Applejack said, her eyes as piercing as her sarcasm.

"I took him over to the schoolhouse so we could talk in private," Shooting said, ignoring Applejack's temperament as she tossed the spider aside.

"Private, huh?" Pinkie said, joining in on the skepticism. "Why am I not surprised?"

"I don't know," Shooting said. "Did you gather all the Elements yet?"

"Actually, that won't be necessary anymore, Headmaster," Twilight said. "He's by the schoolhouse, you said?"

"Yes, he—"

"Let's go, girls," Twilight said. "It's time we put an end to this."

"An end to what now?" Filthy asked, receiving no reply as Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie took off for the school.

"Oh, this I've gotta see," Diamond said, a smirk appearing on her face as she ran after them.

"Wait up, Diamond," Silver Spoon said, following after her. "How did you get your tooth fixed so fast?"

"You guys, what about the spider?" Sweetie Belle asked, watching it crawl off into the alley before chasing after them as well.

Shooting looked at Filthy after they all had left, who was left speechless and confused. "Thanks again for the ice cream," Shooting said. "I better go get the princess." With a tip of his hat, his horn glowed back and he disappeared.

"What am I doing?" Filthy said, springing forward to follow them only for a nostalgic rush of feeling in his spine to remind him why he never became a gymnast. He fell to the ground as he helplessly watched his daughter and the others disappear around a corner. He lowered his eyes as he waited for the pain in his back to subside. "What's going on?"

---

After all this time, my hands still shimmered as if they were possessed by a fluorescent piece of construction paper, and the rest of my body followed its example. The entire world around me bathed itself in this lethargic glow, a constant reminder of the wretched toxins that infested every molecule I was breathing. As if this world's substandard amount of supernatural activity was too small of an insult, it also decided to place a time limit on my ability to think rationally, and the clock continued to tick.

However, I had no time to dwell on misery. Rather, I had no time to dwell on my misery, because I'd been tasked with serving a fresh plate of misery to the good-natured locals that wanted freedom from this magic-corrupted society. Justified though they were, they wouldn't steer me from my important mission. This was a natural world, and a natural world had laws that could not be ignored.

Suppose an old lady were to walk down the street without a sinister figure in a black mask springing from a nearby alley and stealing her purse. How then would a passing, young boxer with self-esteem issues realize he had the fighting spirit in him all along? Suppose a lightning bolt were to strike an ancient grave and not awaken the soul of a bitter, long-forgotten pirate king. I guess that determined historian was better off never learning the secrets of the ancient treasure and saving his mother's orphanage anyway. Suppose you walked into an ice cream parlor and didn't find a strange creature from another world attempting to adopt itself into your family. Good luck finding another driving force to stop your entire family's disinterest in you.

It was the most sacred of all antagonistic principles: Something had to drop the hammer. If the hammer never fell, nothing would change, no one would care, and no audience would gather to side against the hammer dropper. The world would come to an end in a matter of hours. That was the power of the hammer.

I myself wasn't quite ready to drop the hammer, however, because I dropped my hammer, and the Horns couldn't seem to understand the meaning of "giving it back". There I sat, waiting for Mr. Star's return at the doorstep of the local schoolhouse while my two minions played king-of-the-hill with the top of my head. There I sat, prepared to uphold my end of the bargain, yet not one of Celestia's guards she had sent hours prior had so much as a ball peen hammer to offer me.

One would guess they wanted to keep it hostage so that I'd have a reason to keep working with them, but I happened to know that one wasn't the best guesser.

I knew the real reason they wouldn't give me my hammer back. They wanted to make sure they could deal with the main Blank themselves. That was part of nature too. A wolf had no right to a lion's dinner, even if the wolf did all the hunting while the lions lazed around talking about magic. If that was what they wanted, fine. I'd take the needling from Devil Me later. I just wanted them to bring me my hammer so I could tell them it was Pinkie Pie and leave.

And that's exactly what I was prepared to do before Diamond Tiara ruined everything.

Clearly, I never gave that swirly-haired, broom-swinging, magic-spewing clothing addict the proper respect she deserved. I spent three hours interrogating Mr. Rich about the main Blank, and every time I tried to ask about one of his two Blank daughters, he kept finding some way to bring it back to the Horn. What kind of parent uses his own daughter's name as an expletive and then spends hours gushing about her? He was so single-minded about it, I was surprised he didn't think I was talking about her.

Pinkie Pie seemed like such a perfect fit. She had an aggressive and sometimes catty personality that she held back around her sisters, a stalwart protectiveness of her dad despite his apathy toward her, and an unbelievable tendency to keep popping up no matter how unlikely. Plus, she hated me and thought I was evil, which would make her a great reference for a job interview. Too bad Diamond Tiara had to stick her twitchy, wartless nose into such a perfect setup.

It was all going so well. Pinkie Pie basically came outright and admitted she was the main Blank. Then she had to go and shill Diamond Tiara like an advertisement during the climax of a movie. If she were the kind of protagonist with zero self-esteem, I would have thought nothing of it, but Pinkie was dripping with the stuff. I'd heard enough of Rook's monologues to recognize it: She wasn't the type to direct attention away from herself for a second. For her to give such an unhesitant compliment to someone else would have to mean...Diamond Tiara was the main Blank.

At first, the idea made no sense. Diamond wasn't even a Blank. She was a witch, one of the highest ranking magical authorities in the hierarchy, and her magic was clearly real. Then I realized the stupidly obvious: Who said she had to be a Blank to be working for the Blanks? According to Pinkie Pie, many of the Blanks were just as stupid as the Horns. If Diamond Tiara, the sole Horn in a family of Blanks, chose to side with her family over her birthright, becoming the sole Horn to infiltrate the Horns, I could think of no better choice for a main character. And to be bitterly honest, I could see why her family thought she was so amazing.

Lifting Opal off my head, I held her in my hands and said, "She's your former master. What do you think? Will they believe me if I tell them Diamond Tiara is the main Blank?"

Opal stared back as if she were watching me perform a mildly entertaining puppet show, nothing about her body language giving me the answer I was looking for. Then her body started to glow a light shade of blue, and the tickle in my hair told me Gummy was glowing just the same. As the peaceful BGM of a sunny day gained some seriously fierce percussion, the two of them were pried away from me and dragged over to the picnic-throwing everything-ruiner herself, who stood alongside her friends several yards in front of the school.

Diamond Tiara took her cat for herself and tossed Gummy over to Pinkie's mom. "Thank you for taking care of Opal for me," Diamond said, leering at me with more disgust than ever before. "And that is the final word of gratitude that you will ever hear from me, you beast!"

Twolight, Applejack, and Diamond Tiara all had the same look that most people would give Rook after knowing him for five minutes. Twilight stood beside them with a careless demeanor as she welcomed the return of her daughter's pet. Meanwhile, her two youngest daughters and a third, vaguely familiar filly watched from the safety of a nearby bush, Pinkie Pie smiling with vindictive glee.

I figured I'd get a rise out of her after pointing out her missing tooth. I didn't see it going this far, though.

Twolight massaged her head before stepped forward to elaborate on their anger. "It's over, Mork, if that is your real name. You're done playing with us."

You can't use that line on me. You all named me.

"Mork?" I asked, my smile coming back as I waited for Mr. Star to appear and translate it for me. Surprisingly, he remained absent.

"Can it with the barnyard talk," Applejack said, stepping up beside Twolight. "Y'all can talk normal-like, can't ya?"

"Mork?" I said again, pretending to laugh.

What gave me away? I was so careful, sort of.

"You can read our language," Twolight said, slowly stepping toward me. "You can write our language. You can even think in our language. You're not a child, Mork. You can't deny it anymore. You can speak our language."

Are they seriously getting mad at me over this? Or did the Blanks decide to make their move?

"You were trying to get close to us, weren't you?" Twolight asked, stopping as she got within a few inches of me. "You didn't know where the Elements of Harmony were, so you pretended to be a dim-witted animal so you could squirm into our group and find out. Then after we saw through your ruse, you used that to your advantage and kept the lie going. You've been manipulating us since the beginning, haven't you?"

I think I heard insults, but I'll take the compliment.

"Well?" Twolight said, her horn glowing purple. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

I slowly raised my hand and pointed her to Gummy, who had clamped onto her tail without her noticing. She looked back at him for a moment, then frustratedly turned back to me.

"Don't change the subject!" she said, cringing as she raised her hoof to her forehead again. "Now admit it. You wrote that letter, and you came here to steal the Elements of Harmony."

I shook my head. It felt like the natural thing to do.

She nodded with a sense of assurance about herself. "I figured you'd say that. I guess you leave me no choice then." A sparkling stream of magic flowed out from her horn and straight into my forehead, giving me an instant case of eye floaters.

What happened next was strange, even by the standards of magic. A cloud unconsciously formed over my head, as if my voice were humming a song without me actually humming it. The image that appeared on the cloud was mine alone, and the other me simply shook his head and eloquently summed up exactly what I was thinking before the cloud appeared.

"You know, maybe if you weren't so dependent on your magic, you wouldn't be deceived so easily."

"Aha!" Twolight shouted with a manic grin on her face, startling my thought bubble out of existence. "So you can talk. That proves everything. Try to mork your way out of that one, buddy."

The only thing that proves is that you're just as gullible as I thought. Can't you even try to see that you're being manipulated? No, of course you can't. You can't even see the Blanks. There's no way you'd believe Diamond Tiara was your enemy. Guess that means it's time for plan B. I'll have to say it's...

"What's wrong, Mork?" she asked as my eyes carelessly widened in realization. "Feeling a little nervous now that your plan's been exposed?"

Why didn't I realize this sooner? It doesn't matter who I try to claim as the main Blank. The Horns see Blanks as fellow Horns. If I pointed at one of them, they'd think I was accusing one of their own whether it had a horn or not. No wonder Twilight was never worried around me. The Blanks had this game won from the start. They were practically cheating. What do I do now? I'm actually in trouble here. Don't tell me I'm going to have to talk my way out of this!

"Hey," Applejack called out. Twolight and I turned to her, expecting her to be looking our way. However, she was looking to her right, where Pinkie and the others were watching from behind the bush. "What are y'all doin'? This ain't no place for fillies. Now why don't ya run off and go play?"

"But I want to see that thing get smacked into another dimension," Pinkie said. "I deserve at least that much."

"Is Mork gonna die?" Sweetie asked. The gray one next to her remained silent, looking at me uneasily.

"So much for keeping this a secret," Twilight grumbled to herself. Softening her voice, she said, "Applejack, make sure they don't get too close. This should be over in a few minutes."

Applejack sighed and looked back to the fillies. "Fine, but at least come out of them bushes. I can't keep an eye on ya when yer hidin' like that."

"Okay," Pinkie said, reluctantly coming out of the bushes after the other two, "but it better not cry on me again."

Think, Mork, think. It's the only advantage you have over them. If the Horns are this wrapped up in their delusion, it's going to take a serious dosage of reality to snap them out of it. I need a link, some common ground that both of us see as exactly the same.

"Now where were we?" Twilight said, turning back to me as Gummy crawled up her back. "That's right. You were about to tell us why you did all this. What were you hoping to achieve?"

The letter. They used it to test if I could read, and I passed. If there's a shred of logic left in this world, it had to have read the same to both of us. If I could just remember what it said...

"Do I need to make another Dream Puff to get you to talk to us?" Twilight asked, clearly frustrated with my silence.

Don't freeze up now. Think. The princess got insulted...some criminal escaped from jail...more insults...and something about a price. A price of popularity. I could use that. Maybe. But not with them at my throat like this. I have to do something to make them step back. Something to force them to hear me out.

"All right, you asked for it." As Twilight prepared to zap me again, a die rolled in my favor, and Gummy latched onto her mane, derailing her focus. She looked up at him angrily, a bit too angrily given how little he had drooled on her. Looking at him more closely, I saw that he wasn't actually chomping on her hair. He was chomping on the air right above it, and some of his drool was floating in midair.

Game on.

With a quick swipe of my left arm, its speed amplified by a yearning to swing something, I snagged Gummy by the tail and tore him away from Twilight's head. I held my hand underneath his mouth, and he released his jaw, something falling right into my hand. Something that I couldn't see.

An inarguably devilish smile spread across my face as the trinket fell between my fingers, and no sooner did I have it in my grasp than Twolight had me in hers. She gripped the object in my hand with her magic and violently pulled it toward her, nearly jerking my entire hand off with it.

"Stay back!" Twolight shouted, stopping her friends before they could rush over to intervene. "His knowledge of spells makes him incredibly unpredictable." She kept her eyes focused on me with a glare that only Pinkie could rival. "I'll handle this."

Twolight had nearly all the symptoms of rage on her face: furrowed eyebrows, flared nostrils, a quaking grimace, all that was missing was the sharp teeth and flaming eyeballs. Looking to her friends that had shown up with her, the expressions ranged from equally angry to less angry to shocked to just plain confused. It was as that moment that I knew what it felt like to be the intentional toothbrush dropper.

"Give me my crown back," Twolight said at a much lower volume, a distant emptiness in her voice.

I knew it. This has to be one of the Elements of Harmony. That's why Celestia pointed to Twolight's head when she first brought them up. Never realized they took the form of crowns. How conceitedly fitting.

"What's going on?" Pinkie asked, looking up toward Diamond Tiara. "Did she just say something about a crown?

"Never you mind," Applejack said. "But you might be gettin' what you came here for."

"Okay, Mork, you can stop the joke now," Twilight shouted over to us, once again disrespecting mime code. "I don't think Twilight thinks it's funny anymore."

"That's a shame. And here I thought Mork had a becoming sense of humor."

Not one pair of eyes could resist turning toward her as her unmistakable voice rang out from beside the school. Of all the times she could have showed up, Diamond Tiara's tutor in ruining sure picked a good one.

"Princess Celestia?" Pinkie and the gray one said in unison, each looking as surprised as the other.

"Princess!" Twolight said, not even pretending to loose her grip on my hand. "Mork's the one who wrote the letter! He's trying to steal my crown!"

Stepping out from behind the princess, Mr. Star burst into laughter, stomping the ground as he attempted to calm himself. "Come on, Uptight. That's the best joke I've heard all day. How do you not find that funny?"

"Mork, what is the meaning of this?" the princess asked, looking at me with uncertainty. "Why are you holding Twilight's crown?"

If the princess joins in on the delusion, I'll never snap them out of it. If I'm going to do something, it's got to be now. Twolight said I was good with magic? Then I guess it's about time I proved her right for once.

Before Celestia could ask a second time, I threw Gummy straight at Twilight's head. Instinctively, the reptile clamped onto her nose, momentarily freeing my hand from her magical grip. I quickly brought the crown behind my back and dropped it right into my hammerspace.

Having recovered from my minion's distraction, Twilight grabbed hold of my hand again only to realize it was now empty. "What did you do with it?" she shouted, her eyes growing wider. Her magic consumed my entire body, and she flipped me upside-down to practice her salt shaking.

As I said before, the tingle of magic was comparable that of a tickle caused by stroking your own wrist with your finger while your ears were waterlogged. It wasn't painful. It was just...weird. And to have that feeling occur across my entire body simultaneously, affecting everything from my pimple to my shoelaces, it made me more nauseous than the shaking. If there was ever a reason to make the sacrifice, this was it.

"Stop," I said, my single word putting a stop to the shaking and earning me a number of gasps. "I'll give it back." She dropped me on my head.

"You will?" she asked, looking down at me with a raised eyebrow.

Leaning up off my back, I smiled and said, "Play a game with me." I looked over to the princess, then to the others. "All of you."

Twilight gasped in excitement, her curly mane bouncing up as she alone showed some enthusiasm. The others just mostly just looked at each other, though Pinkie was the first one to raise her voice. "Like we'd really do that. What game could you possibly know? Torture the innocent?"

Close.

"You know of it." I stood up on my feet and reached into my hammerspace, pulling out my wallet. Reaching inside, I pulled out a golden, unblemished strip of paper, about the length of my arm. I gave it a kiss and handed it to Twolight.

She held it in her magic, and read the first line aloud: "Saying It Simply: A Children's Guide to Simon Says."

Comments

[Firebirdbtops]

But who is Simon?

[MagerBlutooth]

3938031
At this point in the story, that'd be too much of a spoiler to tell you. I hope you understand. :)

[Mr V]

Dang! Just when you think you've got a handle on this story, it goes flying off in some other crazy direction. Super enthralling, I'd say. I can't wait for more.

[MagerBlutooth]

3939436
I can't kill my story's momentum now. I'm about to reach one of my favorite parts.

[MagerBlutooth]

3943724
I guess Mork just has a habit of taking cake.

Thanks for the comment!

[Housecarl of Clan Drops]

I think I have an idea of how well this game of Simon is going to go. I won't say the theory outright, but there's one big thing about Mork's assumptions that could cause much confusion. If he ends up being Simon, that is.

Those 19k words ended too quickly.

[MagerBlutooth]

3948555
I will say this: if you can predict how this game of Simon Says will go, I will be incredibly impressed.

[waaaaaaah]

Damn, why did it have to end

Can't wait for the next chapter! Also, I wonder if Mork will make them play Twister

[MagerBlutooth]

3952834
Perhaps not literally, but I'm sure there's about to be some twisting taking place.

If you're ever hungry for more, you can always shoot me a PM. As long as it's not a spoiler, I'll tell you anything you want to know.

[waaaaaaah]

3952878

Wow, thanks!

Here, have a Derpy

[MagerBlutooth]

3952899
I appreciate it. I'll put it to good use.

[Housecarl of Clan Drops]

3949068

Oh, I'm under no delusions that I can actually predict the outcome. I just meant to say that I'm fairly sure the Name Master will make it known that the ponies aren't really who they think they are.

[Alaborn]

Simon Says? I'm surprised. You'd think that in Mork's world, they would instead play Garfunkel Says.

[MagerBlutooth]

3966602
That would make sense if I could make a pun out of the name 'Garfunkel'.

[Housecarl of Clan Drops]

3966733

There's a pun with the name "Simon"?
...
...
...
I'm usually good with puns, but I'm just not seeing it right now.

Hmm, is it something from earlier in the story?

[MagerBlutooth]

3968687
I want to comment on that, but I fear it may be too much of a spoiler. Nice observation, though.

[Housecarl of Clan Drops]

3973478
Guess that means I'm going to reread the story now. I can't say that that is a bad thing though, I loved the cartoon HiE angle the first time.

[MagerBlutooth]

3973636
Let me know if you find any glaring plot holes.

[Housecarl of Clan Drops]

3973663
If I find any, I'll let you borrow my good shovel.

[Aerhyce]

*Reads description*
....FLAWLESS LOGIC.
*Readin' the story*

[MagerBlutooth]

4185667
I guess it depends whose logic you're using.
Let me know how it goes. ;)

[Aerhyce]

4186664

Is that normal that I'm rooting for Diamond Tiara?

[MagerBlutooth]

4186677
In the show, it would be unusual. In my story, it's perfectly normal.

[MagerBlutooth]

4188460
Thanks. That's one more star than I gave it.

[MagerBlutooth]

4188698
A toothbrush maker? You think that would fit in his apartment room?

[MagerBlutooth]

4188866
Hmm....I wonder.

[MagerBlutooth]

4189225
I don't think they're quite up to 400 degrees Fahrenheit. That would probably be a bit more noticeable.

[MagerBlutooth]

4189549
I wouldn't say it came from nowhere. I'm sure it came from somewhere.

[MagerBlutooth]

4190077
It's not like they need to run very fast. Rainbow's only really a threat when she can fly.

[MagerBlutooth]

4190402
But the question is 'which one is right?'

[MagerBlutooth]

4192030
What's fun is that 'bad' has more than one meaning.

[MagerBlutooth]

4192706
A trap of full-blown narcissism is a good way to put it.

[MagerBlutooth]

4193907
Night and morning one, anyway.

[MagerBlutooth]

4194745
Just add water?

[MagerBlutooth]

4195719
After the events of this chapter, Zeus began releasing Diamond Tiara instead.

[MagerBlutooth]

4196027
Magic: it's not all sparkles and ladies getting cut in half.

[MagerBlutooth]

4196327
Blue tongue, red tongue, green tongue, orange tongue, it's all the same to Mork.

[MagerBlutooth]

4196555
I do know that feeling. Didn't realize fiction could cause it.

[MagerBlutooth]

4198967
Glad to hear you're able to follow his logic.

[MagerBlutooth]

4200035
Yep, they all did.

[MagerBlutooth]

4201010
It's a very, very unbirthday party.

[RemareShadows]

Oh boy, a game!
Tho Mork already snaped and went back to his rpg.
That Donkey kong hammer tho.
Mis understandings everywhere.
The stupid demon bump keeps working.
The world ending treasure keeper.
High tension in the air.
---

Well let's see, grammer, check.
Plot, check.
Flow, check.
Hmm plot holes? Not any that stood out to me.

Fun story here so far. The storys weave together nicely. I see comedy over flowing. Cartoon human makes for even more of it. Tho some of it maybe a bit much sometimes.
Now after what I read up till now, it gets a
4/5.

Keep up the good work.

[MagerBlutooth]

4203852
Thanks for commenting on each and every chapter. I truly appreciate the support, and I'll do my best to make sure the next chapter is just as fun as the rest of the story.