Not My Little Diamond

by MagerBlutooth

Only For Me

Chpt. 15 - Only For Me

Monday, March 31

"Go ahead. Try it."

"I don’t know. It doesn’t seem very sanitary. Or palatable."

"Come on, just a taste."

"Isn’t it a bit-"

A messy glob of smooze was shoved right between Twilight’s gums, silencing her protests.

"Tastes just like peanut butter, doesn’t it?" Shooting asked, giving his hoof a quick lick. "You’d think it tastes like jelly."

Twilight nearly gagged as the gooey substance bounced around inside her mouth like it was holding a prison riot. She appropriately spit the magical gunk back into its undulating central hub and wiped the remaining residue off her mouth.

"Headmaster Star," she formally said as she closed her eyes and stiffened her posture, "with all due respect, would you please keep your groundbreaking scientific research out of my mouth?" Her eyes burst open as she leaned forward in anger.

Shooting took another slurp of his milkshake. "What, do you not like peanut butter?"

Twilight exhaled deeply through her nose."Of course I like peanut butter, but I prefer the kind that doesn’t bounce off my tongue like a trampoline!"

Shooting yanked out the hoof he had shoved into his mouth, smacking his lips in delight. "Better than it sticking to your mouth though, right?"

Twilight had sparks coming out of her ears. She had no idea how a pony that was practically tripping on his own facial hair could be so immature, but this one found a way.

In the fifteen minutes she’d spent alone with him in that magical tent, he had already splashed seven different forms of liquid in her face, none of them water; asked her to look up something in one of his books only for her to find a live gorgon inside; and bestowed upon her the honorable and prestigious nickname ‘Uptight Snarkle’ for yucks. The idea of Princess Celestia putting him in charge of the Canterlot daycare center was asinine enough, never mind the key location for all magic in Equestria.

Twilight felt a long and harshly-toned lecture coming on, but she held her smooze-stained tongue as the princess reappeared with the scroll she had left to retrieve floating beside her.

"Hello, Twilight, Shooting, did I miss anything while I was gone?" Princess Celestia asked.

Shooting Star topped off his first milkshake before responding, "I was just showing Miss Snarkle the reason smooze was first invented."

Tuning out the annoying stallion, Twilight turned her attention back to the floating glob. "I can’t believe it was intended to be a source of food." She looked to her princess. "Is it true it’s capable of instantaneous cellular reconstruction?"

"That’s correct," Celestia replied, sidestepping a few twinkles as she approached them. "Smooze is a self-repairing organism. It can remake itself faster than you could eat it."

"It’s sort of like a big, tasty germ," Shooting clarified as he picked up his second milkshake. "Only it’s a bit more hyperactive."

Twilight circled the gelatinous creature, examining it with uncertainty. "That’s probably why it didn’t work out as a food source. I can’t imagine many ponies would want to eat a living creature." She gave Shooting a look of disgust as he shoved his hoof into the mess for another bite.

Celestia giggled. "No, I’d imagine not, but fortunately we found a better use for it."

"Yes we did!" Shooting proclaimed with a mouth full of smooze as he summoned a large chalkboard that featured a detailed sketch of Mork’s external anatomy in profile. "Our new friend Mork's looking to be the most significant find of my career."

Twilight looked over the chalkboard, her scientific intrigue shining through. "Morkius Crazius" was written at the top and most of the body parts had been labeled with either appropriate words ending in question marks or just question marks by themselves. It was far from a complete diagram, but it was a well-sketched depiction.

Looking back to the smooze, Twilight verbally pondered, "I wonder what would be more interesting to study: smooze or Mork?"

A gusher of milkshake emerged from Shooting’s beard, flowing straight into the princess’s face. "Are you kidding?" he outburst as he made the chalkboard vanish. "Smooze is just a floating sneeze that can move things. Mork’s a shiny red button that says ‘Do Not Push’, the granddaddy of all buttons." Shooting rubbed his hooves together in anticipation. "I tell you I can’t wait to sink my teeth into him."

"Uh, you mean that figuratively, right?" Twilight asked, noting the bearded stallion lick his lips after expressing his intentions.

"Okay, fine," he grumbled, "sink my dentures into him. We can’t all have teeth like the princess, you know."

Twilight uneasily backed away from the eccentric old-timer, preferring to stand by the more responsible one in the tent.

"I know you’re excited, Shooting," Celestia responded, "but remember that Mork’s our guest, not your new plaything."

"I’ve got sixty years worth of questions to ask him, and I’m asking them!" Shooting asserted like a bearded toddler.

That statement hit Twilight like a blow to the head. "You’ve been working on this for sixty years?" she asked, astonishment pouring from her mind and out her ears.

Shooting gave his milkshake one final slurp and responded, "Yeah, the big toe had us stumped for the longest time."

"You lost me," Twilight’s flatly replied, convinced that Shooting didn't know how to be serious.

Shooting pointed up at the large crystal sphere above them. "You know, the T-O-H, the Test of Harmony spell. Ol' Smoozy isn't as compatible with it as a glass sphere or a disco ball. Every time we tried casting it on her, she'd fall apart into nothing. You'd think she was allergic or something."

Twilight’s curiosity was alive and well. "How’d you get around it?" she asked.

Shooting made a gesture towards Twilight’s crown. "One of our scientists suggested we use the essence of the Elements of Harmony to make it more compatible." He spawned a small, glass bottle filled with a rainbow colored liquid into his wrinkled hoof. "Worked like a charm."

"You bottled the Elements of Harmony?" Twilight asked in disbelief, staring at the contents of the container.

"I can bottle anything," Shooting boasted before summoning a large shelf of neatly-organized glass containers of various sizes, each one containing a differently-colored liquid.

"What do you need?" he asked as he levitated a few bottles off the shelf. "Love? Time? Social skills? Classical music? Bowling lessons?" Shooting picked up one containing a liquid as blue as Princess Luna’s mane and casually tossed it at Twilight, who hesitated to catch it before it fell to the ground. "That one’s sleep. Good for those long nights where you just can’t seem to get any. You should go ahead and take it, Snarky. From what I’ve heard, you’ve been needing it."

Twilight opened her mouth to retort, but a vial of pink liquid was levitated towards Shooting before she could. "And here’s some manners, Shooting," Celestia said. "From what I’ve heard, you’ve been needing this." She gave the old stallion a mischievous smile as he snagged the vial with his magic and shoved it back onto the shelf.

Celestia turned to her student to continue, "Shooting gathered the essence a few weeks after you and your friends defeated Nightmare Moon. I find it rather odd that we didn't think to use it on the smooze sooner."

"When did you finally figure it out?" Twilight asked.

"About a week ago," Shooting nonchalantly said as he sent his potion collection away.

Reality stopped in Twilight’s mind for a split second. "Y-you just finished it last week? After sixty years of work?"

Celestia’s horn lit up as she uncurled the scroll that still floated in her magic. "As fate would have it, our researchers here at Twinklespark discovered the solution to smooze on the same day we received that letter warning about the threat against the Elements." She lowered the page to let Twilight see.

Twilight read the message over, spotting two punctuation errors the researchers made as they described their smooze-related breakthrough. "And you don’t find that the slightest bit suspicious?" she asked.

"Why would we?" Shooting challenged. "It’s not like Mork showed up the same day we got the letter. Besides, what are you proposing? You think he popped the idea of how to perfect interdimensional transportation into somepony’s mind from the comfort of his living room?"

Twilight had her eyes glued to the smooze again. "Well, I guess that does sound a bit implausible."

"That reminds me, Shooting," Celestia stated, placing the letter aside, "Mork ended up in Ponyville after the smooze brought him here. It was supposed to drop him off on that sofa we set up for him. What happened here that Sunday night?"

"I don’t know," Shooting answered sincerely. "When the smooze came back, Mork just shot out of it like he was made of rubber. Went straight through that big opening in the tent behind the telescope. I’m still trying to work out the physics behind it."

Celestia had to chuckle. "After seeing him today, I wouldn’t be surprised if Mork was made out of rubber."

Twilight chuckled as well, but much less convincingly. "Yeah, I wonder what other tricks he can do."

"Speaking of tricks," Shooting chimed in, "if you want, Uptight, I could take that Element of Magic of yours and give it the full Shooting Star treatment. I’ll make it glow in the dark, shoot fire, you know, the usual stuff."

Twilight took a half-step backward. "Uh, that’s okay. I’m fine with it the way it is."

Shooting took a half-step forward. "Oh, come on, you can trust me. I won’t add any more laser saws than necessary. I promise."

As Shooting placed his black magical aura around the crown and prepared to lift it off her head, Twilight felt a powerful rush of emotion charge from her brain to the rest of her body. Her irises increased in intensity as she aggressively leaned forward and shouted, "Don’t touch that!"

She lifted Shooting into the air with her own magic, spun him around at nausea-inducing speed, and vented out all her frustrations against the childish old-timer by chucking him twenty feet through the air and straight into Mork’s sofa, knocking both over in the process.

Celestia didn't know what to say. Nevertheless, she asked, "Twilight, what has gotten into you?"

Regaining control of her senses, Twilight felt the embarrassment of her actions pound against her conscience. However, before she could explain herself, she felt a familiar throbbing sensation inside her head and clutched it with her hoof in an attempt to relieve the pain. As the headache subsided, she looked back over to the victim of her aggression and meekly stated, "I’m so sorry, Headmaster Star. I don’t know what came over me."

Shooting set the couch upright, hiding behind it like it was a barricade. "Maybe I should be going," he suggested. "I have to get to work on learning the rest of Mork’s language anyway." He carefully backed toward the telescope behind him, not taking his eyes off Twilight as he grabbed a few of the books he needed for his research. "I’ll see you later, Princess, and don’t forget about that sleep I gave you, Miss Sparkle. Good-bye." He disappeared in a black sphere of magic, leaving the princess and her student alone.

"Are you absolutely sure you’re feeling okay, Twilight? You look like something’s bothering you," Celestia noted, redirecting Twilight’s attention.

Twilight stared at the grass, the colorful walls too exuberant for her to concentrate on. "Princess, don’t you think it’s a bit odd? I mean, we just so happen to make this amazing breakthrough on the exact day we got that letter?"

"I will admit, it is somewhat unusual, but Rising’s Test of Harmony spell has never been wrong before. I see no reason to suspect Mork of anything sinister." Celestia read the concern in her student's expression. "Do you, Twilight?"

"Well, there's..." Before Twilight could spout off the list of reasons she had to suspect their new 'friend' when she realized all she had was that smirk she might have imagined before sending him back to Ponyville. "No, I guess not," she consented, hesitantly shaking her head. "Still, don’t you think he’ll at least be a liability if he’s here when the real threat shows up?"

"On the contrary, Twilight. I think he may prove to be a great assistance to us."

"A great assistance? You mean you want to ask him to help us fight this threat?"

Celestia chuckled. "I don’t think that would be very polite. However, once Shooting figures out how to communicate with Mork, I’m interested to see if he could teach us anything that might be of help."

Twilight took a moment to process the princess’s words before she let out a stifled snicker.

"What’s so funny, Twilight?" the princess asked, not wanting to be left out of the joke.

"I’m sorry," Twilight giggled. "I was just imagining Mork trying to teach us something."

"Yes? What about it?" Celestia raised her eyebrow in suspicion, her expression dead serious.

Twilight’s humorous mood faded as she took notice of her teacher’s. "I didn't mean it like that, but let's be serious, Princess. We both saw what he's like. This is a creature that doesn’t know how doors work. What could he possibly teach us that we don’t already know?"

Celestia turned to the large pit Mork had created about half an hour prior. "Tell me, Twilight, do you know a spell that could dig a hole that large that quickly?"

Twilight bit her lip. "Not off the top of my head, but I’m sure if I did enough research I could-"

"All I’m trying to say is that we still know nothing about this threat, and we can’t overlook the possibility that Mork could teach us something that could give us the upper hoof."

"Not to sound rude, Princess, but don’t you think you’re giving him a bit too much credit? I mean, sure, he might be an interesting specimen to research, but he doesn’t exactly seem like a very thoughtful creature or really even a sane one."

"Is that right?" Celestia gave her student a calm but commanding look. "Then let me ask you, Twilight. Did it seem like there was anything at the top of this hill?"

"Well, no, but that’s not exactly the same--"

"Did it seem like Discord could be reformed?"

"No, but Discord was--"

"Did it seem like making friends would help you to defeat Nightmare Moon?"

Twilight had no response to that one, her silence answering her teacher's question.

Celestia stepped forward to continue, "You simply must stop looking at things at mere face value, Twilight. Potential is something that exists in every one of us. If we disregard that potential in even the simplest of creatures, we could miss out on something truly amazing. I think you know this better than anypony."

Twilight's silence remained as she took in her teacher's words. Her gaze shifted to the smooze as she replied, "I guess it couldn't hurt to see what Mork knows." She glanced back to her teacher, an encouraging smile on her face. "If he can help us find some way to protect the Elements, we should let him."

Celestia returned a smile of her own. "I’m glad you see it that way, Twilight. Now why don’t we--"

Suddenly, a familiar black flash of magic appeared between the two. Shooting emerged from it wearing a large, medieval helmet in place of his black hat and holding a large, metal shield in his aura that he kept firmly pointed towards Twilight.

"Shooting, what is it? Did you forget something?" Celestia asked.

"Actually I remembered something," he replied, lifting up the visor on his helmet, "and I wanted to ask you two about it. Did either of you notice that Mork had a particular fascination with candy?"

"He did seem to have something of a sweet tooth," Celestia stated. "Why do you ask?"

"I translated what Mork said right after my translation spell failed, and if I didn’t mess up the conjugation, the first thing he said to me was 'Mork?', which means ‘Are you all a bunch of lollipops?’"

Celestia and Twilight stared at him in dull silence, both of them looking at him as if he’d just told them they had mailed a package to the wrong address.

"Anyway, I better get back to work. I'll be locked in my office if you need me. Don't need me, though, because I'm not coming out until I'm completely fluent in Morkish. See you tomorrow morning!" He vanished once again as abruptly as always, the expressions of the princess and her pupil remaining constant.

"You know, I think it would be for the best if I went back to see how Mork’s settling in," the pupil responded as she took a few steps forward.

"Are you sure, Twilight?" the princess asked. "There’s still much more for me to show you here at Twinklespark. You haven’t even seen Shooting’s patented trivia doors yet."

"Some other day, perhaps," Twilight replied, lighting up her horn in preparation to leave. "Spike’s probably worried sick, and I need to make sure Rainbow Dash hasn’t been up to anything crazy while I was gone."

"Very well, Twilight. Shooting and I will stop by tomorrow to see how things are going. He doesn't sleep in when he's this excited, so we'll be there first thing in the morning. If you have any problems before then, don't hesitate to write me about it."

"I will, Princess Celestia. Thank you." Twilight gave a quick bow and teleported herself out of the tent. Celestia smiled as she took in the serenity of the colorful setting before walking over to the smooze and sneaking a quick taste of it herself.

---

Scootaloo wasn’t sure what to think anymore. Ponyville was getting crazier by the second, and now it looked like even Rainbow Dash was infected with the crazy. After scavenging the schoolground like a mad dog looking for its lost bone, Rainbow resorted to simply whooshing around the schoolhouse at top speed, not even attempting to search for anything anymore. Her technique was impressive as always to watch, but Scootaloo was too distracted to admire it. She could only observe in silence as her hero continued giving the school a very colorful halo.

Before the dizziness could take hold, Rainbow broke her orbital path, coming to an abrupt halt right in front of the disturbed filly’s face. With intense desperation in her voice, she shrieked, "Where is it? What happened to it?"

Scootaloo shrunk back at her panicking idol’s maddened inquiry. "You mean the bucket?" she asked timidly. "I think we left it back by your seventh favorite sleeping spot." She pointed back the way they came with a rigid smile, trying to appease the agitated weather pony.

Rainbow let out a loud sob disguised as an irritated moan and fell onto her back, throwing both of her front hooves over her eyes. "Go ahead and call the coroner, kid. Just make sure they mention how awesome I was at my funeral." She peeked through her left eye. "And tell Rarity no goofy hats."

Confused by her odd request, Scootaloo approached her to ask, "Rainbow Dash, what’s going on? What was the deal with that bucket? Were you trying to set a world record or something?"

Rainbow sat back up, looking at the filly with pessimistic eyes. "I guess I might as well tell you. It’s not like it matters anymore. That bucket had one of the Elements of Harmony underneath it. That’s why it was so important."

A sense of fear overtook Scootaloo’s confusion as she felt her insides getting claustrophobic. "T-the Elements of Harmony?" she asked, her legs tensing up. "You mean those things you and the others used to stop Discord and Nightmare Moon? Those Elements of Harmony?"

Rainbow reluctantly nodded, her eyes glued to the dirt.

"But...but I didn’t see anything when the bucket--"

"Twilight put this crazy invisibility spell on them so nopony would know we have them. We’re trying to keep it a secret so some dumb monster doesn’t find out where they are."

"W-what kind of monster?" Scootaloo asked, not sure if she wanted an answer.

Rainbow shrugged. "A big, scary one, I guess. Probably has sharp claws and fangs. You know, the usual stuff."

The filly’s entire body felt heavy with guilt. "Oh...yeah, that kind."

"But it’s taking forever to get here," Rainbow moaned. "I thought Tank was slow, but he’s got nothing on this creep." She collapsed on her back again with an annoyed sigh, looking up at the clouds. "Why’d it have to take so long? If it’d shown up yesterday, I woulda made it wish it never came here." She took a few jabs at the sky as she lay on her back, then her ears fell as she caught sight of her bare neck. "Now there’s not even a reason for it to come here."

"I guess I really blew it then, huh?" Scootaloo sadly replied, knowing she couldn’t let herself cry in the presence of her stalwart idol.

Rainbow stood up, shamefully turning away as she shook her head. "Nah, kid, this one’s all on me. I promised Twilight I’d be responsible and junk, and I let the boredom do me in. I’m the one who blew it."

"But if I knew it was that serious, I would been way more careful," Scootaloo said. "That monkey thing never would have gotten within ten feet of that bucket."

Rainbow rolled her eyes as she turned back towards the filly. "Again with the monkey thing? Look, squirt, any other day I’d be happy to go along with the joke, but things are kinda serious right now. Okay?"

"But Rainbow Dash, I’m telling you! It was right here!" Scootaloo said, jumping up and down on the exact spot where she’d seen the beast collapse. "It ran right by this window like a total psycho. It didn’t even say 'sorry' for knocking over the bucket. Matter of fact, it didn’t say anything. It just charged through like a...big...scary monster."

Scootaloo sprung into the air as the idea snapped into her mind like a cannon going off. "That’s it! I know exactly what happened to your necklace, Rainbow Dash! The monkey thing must have taken it!"

Rainbow patted Scootaloo on the head, giving her a sad smile. "Thanks for trying to make me feel better, kid. I’m gonna head off and see if I can find it before it's too late. If we’re lucky, it’s just lying around Ponyville somewhere." She spread her wings and took to the air. "Catch ya later!" she called as she began her departure.

"Wait! Rainbow Dash, I’m telling the truth! You have to believe me!" Scootaloo cried out, making Rainbow stop to give her a look of adamant disbelief. Realizing she had little time before Rainbow got bored and dashed away, Scootaloo frantically looked around for the tiniest bit of evidence she could find of the incident. "Look! You can still see the dent where it crashed into the flagpole!" She pointed up to the indention that rested about a third of the way up the pole.

Deciding it couldn’t hurt to look, Rainbow flew over to inspect the pole, rolling her eyes and flying away from the pole to remark, "Yeah, big scary monster. I could make a dent twice that size on one of my off-days."

"But nopony in my class could!" Scootaloo retorted. "Watch!" Without a second of hesitation, the determined filly barreled into the flagpole at full force, ramming her head straight into it like an angry bull.

Rainbow's jaw flew open as she realized what the filly had just done, and she rocketed down to check on her well-being. "Have you gone nuts? What kind of wacko runs headfirst into a flagpole like that?"

Scootaloo tried to keep her balance as the world refused to hold still. "Do you...believe me now?"

Rainbow took a closer look at the pole to compare the two dents, finding that the original dent completely dwarfed the one the filly had just made. She turned to the filly with a look of absolute seriousness before cracking a smile. With a newfound sense of vim in her voice she said, "Well, if you want me to believe it enough to run into a pole, I guess I don’t have a choice, huh?"

Though she felt unbelievably woozy, Scootaloo's mood skyrocketed as she caught sight of Rainbow’s adventurous smile. "Maybe we should go ask Fluttershy if she’s seen it," the dizzy filly suggested as she stopped herself from wobbling. "She knows about all kinds of animals. Maybe she knows where it lives."

Rainbow’s eyes sprung open as her smile vanished. "No! Absolutely not!" she shouted, waving her hooves in opposition. "If any of my friends find out I lost that necklace, then the monkey thing won’t be the only one kicking a bucket today."

"But you didn’t lose anything, Rainbow Dash. The monkey thing stole it, remember?" Scootaloo said, giving her a sneaky, little wink.

Rainbow’s expression went blank at the brilliance of the excuse. Then she formed a sly smile of her own. "I like the way you think, kid. Fluttershy’s it is. Race ya there." Rainbow was gone before she even finished declaring her challenge.

"Best day ever!" Scootaloo shouted as she chased after the blue pegasus. She knew there was nothing to worry about now that Rainbow Dash was on the case. It didn’t matter how big, scary, or crazy that monkey thing was. Rainbow Dash was totally gonna take it down.

---

I sure am glad there aren’t any random creatures leaping out to attack me every two seconds. I get more than enough of that back home. Although, it wouldn't hurt if I could get some real combat right about now. My stats have to be next to nothing, and I'll need plenty of experience to keep up with all the nauseating magical riffraff everywhere.

Magical or not, this world did manage to keep redefining my definition of 'supernature'. As Fluttershy, the witch, and I made our way across the rural serenity of the childishly named Ponyville, I took notice of how shy their sun was. I'd never seen a sun give its world the cold shoulder like theirs did. It had to be pretty upset for it to go that far.

Could make for a fun miniboss later, though.

We passed by several fields of grass, a number of trees, and at least sixty-seven different types of flowers, and not one of them were dancing to the BGM. The only reason they moved at all was because the wind which was courteous enough to simply do its job without any troublesome blathering or grating laughter.

I knew supernature was better than nature, but I didn't know it was superior in every way.

Then there was the most shocking thing of all. It had been going on since I'd first arrived, but I hadn't realized until I actually paid attention to it. There was an astounding amount of walking occurring around town. Before the baker's dozen of horses we'd come across saw me and ran off in a fit of comical terror, they were actually heading to where they were going without zooming, zipping, or even transitioning there. They were just strolling along like it didn't matter how long it took them to get where they were going. It was so surreal.

When she wasn’t unsuccessfully insisting to the random passersby not to be afraid of me, Fluttershy was informing her spellcasting friend everything she needed to know about ‘taking care of me’. The witch just kept smiling and nodding, and I could see the words just deflecting right off her unused umbrella hat.

I probably should have been brainstorming what I was going to do once the witch inevitably had me to herself and locked me in her medicine cabinet, but I was hopelessly distracted by that voice.

"And he doesn’t like it when you scratch behind his ears," Fluttershy said as we finally arrived back at the witch’s lair. The door still had a Mork-sized hole in it, which really made me question how different the laws of nature were in this world to not have already fixed it yet.

"Fluttershy, you simply must stop worrying. Surely you don’t think that I would do anything to harm our friend Mork, do you?" the witch asked much too innocently.

"Oh no, of course not," Fluttershy replied, leaning forward to whisper in the witch's ear at her normal speaking volume, "Just, be careful with your magic. I think he’s scared of it."

Hah, afraid of magic. How absurd.

"Oh, you don’t have to be afraid of me, Morky," the witch insisted as she dug into the back of my right ear with her hoof. "I just want to make you feel right at home while you’re here." She gave me an endearing smile, putting up an excellent facade that was clearly convincing her winged companion.

I know better than to believe anything a witch says. Anyone that has a career based around magic, rhyming, and apple poisoning is someone I can’t take my eyes off to blink. If I let my guard down, she could blast me with a disintegration spell or turn me into vanilla pudding. I still haven’t saved, and I’d prefer not to have to start over from Mr. Rich’s bedroom.

"Do you want me to stay for awhile and help out?" Fluttershy offered as we entered the building. "I could help set up his bed or teach him how to use silverware."

You could do my narration for a bit. I'm not sure what, but I can't help but feel like I've been something.

"Th-that’s quite alright," the witch unfortunately replied. "You should get back home. You did say your little Angel’s still waiting on you, yes?"

"Oh, that’s right!" the lesser of two evils squeaked, pivoting around and sprinting back outside. "Bye, Mork!" she called as she rushed off to go meet with her conscience. "Remember, don’t drill any giant holes in anypony’s floor! It’s rude!"

After relishing the last few seconds of hearing the yellow one speak, the door was covered in a lightly-colored magical aura and slammed shut. Due to the gaping hole in it, the gesture felt redundant, but the implication was clear: the witch and I were alone. Our second face-off was about to begin.

I really need to give her a name already. "The witch" just doesn’t pop like it should. What should I go with? Witchy? Broomstick? Umbrellda? No, it needs to be more interesting. Give me a second.

Hocus faced toward the wounded door, taking a deep breath as she prepared to turn around. My ears braced themselves to be screamed off, and I half-expected to see her transform into a dragon before the first threatening statement.

However, as if to spit upon all my expectations, a smile that could rival mine in believability spread across her face like freshly churned butter. Her eye looked to be infected with sugar as she directed it toward me and very sweetly exclaimed, "This is going to be such fun. Don’t you think?"

Well, yes, but you’re not supposed to.

"I for one can’t wait to get to know you better, Mork," she insisted as she turned to face me fully, giggling at her own comment like an annoying convenience store clerk. "Has anypony ever told you what a handsome name you have? I think it suits you very nicely. You must be quite the looker back home."

This isn’t right. The compliment to chair throwing ratio is too high. What’s she up to?

Candy Lips slowly trudged toward me, praise oozing out of her mouth like it was her own variant of ice cream. "I never got to thank you for the fabulous job you did cleaning up my house this morning. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my boutique glow with such radiance."

Is this a semantics issue? Does ‘thank’ mean ‘destroy’ to them?

"And just look at those strong legs of yours," she gushed as she grabbed hold of my skinny, right arm. "I certainly don’t have to worry about my personal safety with you around, do I?"

Maybe this is her second form. She attacks by lobbing compliments at me until my head explodes. I’m starting to think it’ll work.

Setting her umbrella hat onto the table beside her, Wheedle headed into the next room as she deceptively said, "You must be absolutely famished after all that walking. I can’t imagine that one apple was possibly enough for you."

She’s got a point. A power food may let you play catch with a refrigerator, but a full meal it’s not.

"Why don’t you wait there, and I’ll go fetch you something to eat?" she suggested as she disappeared into the next room before I could mork my response.

Oh, I see. Now it makes sense. Enchantra’s pulling Witch Trick Heta Gamma: act nice, feed your guest until plump, and then shove him in the oven. Good thing I’m prepared. Last time I was here, I memorized her attack patterns.

After she was out of sight, my attention was consumed by the umbrella hat resting on her table like a holy crown. I had my eye on it since I first saw her wearing it. I knew I needed to have it. If I came across any bottomless pits without it, there would be no chance of recovery.

The witch probably only wore it to keep herself from melting if it rained, so taking it would be nothing but beneficial to me. Besides, Devil Me once told me that the rightful owner of an object was whoever wanted it the most. Therefore, I needed to secure my new umbrella hat before someone came and stole it. I quickly grabbed hold of it and held it high above my head before snugly adding it to my hammerspace.

That’s weird. No item jingle. I guess those don’t actually happen in real life.

About a minute passed, and boredom was attending a timeshare seminar in my limbic system. I could have easily exited through the essentially open door, but that would have made me a quitter. If I couldn’t handle Swirlcurl’s tricks, then I’d already be admitting defeat to that self-important, patronizing Celestia tyrant. She was probably watching me right now through her giant crystal ball while lying on her reclining throne and droning on about my inferiority between bites of tiramisu.

Keeping that image in mind, I decided to pass the time by inspecting Spellbound’s main chamber in greater detail. Those faceless horse statues were still everywhere. It almost looked like they had multiplied since I was last there. Before, I thought they were for decoration, but none of them had wings or horns. Magic did not exist without vanity. If they were really decorative, they'd have resembled their owner.
My new theory was that they were voodoo doll bases. Voody said earlier that her lair was a place of business and that she was a designer. She most likely sold the voodoo dolls she crafted to her magical friends so they could surreptitiously mess with all their nonmagical enemies.

Poor Pinkie Pie. I'm sure they've got a few for her around here.

As I continued inspecting the faceless plastic figures, I suddenly felt something rubbing up against my leg. I quickly identified it as the same hairy sensation from before that made my body abandon my eyes. No longer fearing for my intelligence, I calmly looked down to see what it was. It turned out to be a small, white, heavily-decorated cat affectionately purring and rubbing its fluffy head against my right ankle.

Ah, so Swêpes owns a cat, does she? Does she knows it’s not the right color? Are horses colorblind? I suppose Pinkie’s named after a color, so I’m thinking that’s a no.

"You’re in luck, Mork," Maligna sang as she made her dramatic return with a bowl floating beside her head. "I was looking through my cupboard, and I found some—Opal!"

She’s serving me rocks? Figures. I hope she at least cooked them first.

Gemcook dropped the bowl to the floor and zoomed straight at me, throwing her hooves around her mistakenly colored kitty and tearing it away from the shoelace it was playing with. She looked it right in the eyes and maddeningly cried, "Opal, what is the matter with you? You just had your bath this morning." She awkwardly turned to smile at me again. "Not that I’m calling you dirty or anything, Mork. I’m sure you have impeccable hygiene."

Come on, Pearl, at least put some effort into your lies.

She placed her cat on her back and headed for the stairs. "Come with me, Opal. Let’s get you upstairs where it’s safe--I mean, where you won’t bother our new house guest." She glanced back at me as she reached the bottom stair. "Terribly sorry, Mork. Opal never acts this way around strangers. I don’t know what came over her."

I do. Random, inexplicable affection toward me can only mean one thing: It has to be a normal cat.

It's just how my life works. Supernature ignores me like I'm a phone call at dinnertime while regular nature treats me like I’m a little girl clutching a teddy bear and sucking her thumb. My parents say I'm blessed. I say I'm embarrassed. Birds know my theme music by heart, ants invade my picnics to bring me food, and whenever I try to skip a stone it bounces right back into my hand without fail. One time I carved my initials into an oak tree. The tree just hugged me and refused to let go.

I’m like soap. The odd and unusual don’t care about me, but the normal masses can’t get enough. I don’t know who programmed life to be so infuriatingly hilarious, but I’d just like to tell that person that no one finds it funny except the dumber half of my audience.

Still, seeing a normal cat in a supernatural world was even weirder than a lack of transitioning. I didn’t even know that could happen. What else did this place have? Fair casinos? Adequate law enforcement? Wireless connectivity? Reality and fiction were starting to blur together, and I wasn’t even sure which side I was on anymore.

"So, Mork, as I was saying," Catmaster said as she came back down, scooping up the bowl she had dropped that was somehow still upright, "I believe I found something to suit your...interesting palate. I know it’s not much, but I’m afraid it’s all I have. Will it do?" She set the bowl in front of me so I could see its contents. Inside was a small collection of marshmallows that barely reached the top of the bowl.

I gazed down in utter silence, struggling to convince myself I wasn’t dreaming. The drool poured from my mouth like a faucet, and my irises and pupils transformed to resemble the sugary confection. I knew at that point that it was already too late to control myself. The white treasure had me by the tongue.

I’m sorry, Humanity. I have to disgrace us a little.

Ignoring my inner voice that warned me they were part of Nutilda’s master plan, I opened my mouth, turned on my throat vacuum, and devoured those marshmallows before you even finished reading this sentence. Then I swallowed the bowl. I didn’t chew, mind you. My teeth were too embarrassed. My tongue had no shame, though. It shot out of my mouth and licked the floor like a spinning fanblade, trying to collect any stray molecules that had tried to make a run for it. Once it tasted nothing but floor, my mouth elected to cough the bowl back up, lick it clean, and swallow it again. The cycle continued until the taste finally disappeared from my tongue, which collapsed onto the floor, too exhausted to make it back up to my mouth. After my heartbeat finally stopped being visible and my eyes turned back to normal, I could finally force myself to end the paragraph.

I looked over to see Marshmarsh hiding behind one of her blank voodoo dolls. She peeked her head out once the silence hit, finding the strength to force her smile out once more. "That’s quite an appetite you have. Your mother must be very proud."

Oh, please don't tell my mom about this. Or anyone else.

She carefully eased her way out from behind the faceless figure. "It’s a dreadful shame that’s all I have to give you. If only there was something we could do about that." She looked away in thought, and even that looked fake.

"I’ve got it!" she exclaimed as if she’d been bitten by the inspiration bug. "We’ll head out to buy you some food and have a nice, little picnic. What do you think? Won't that be fun?"

Nice try, Unihorn. If you really came up with that idea just now, a light bulb would have popped out of your head. That means this has been your plan all along. I can already see it. We’ll break out the picnic basket, then I’ll say ‘mork’ or something, and you’ll lay out the blanket only for six or seven waves of goblin ninja to leap out of it, each one armed with a glass katana that can shoot blue fire and undeserved compliments.

"Mork mork," I eagerly agreed, my tongue finding a stray speck of marshmallow on my ear.

Trying her best not to look disgusted, Fibflab declared, "Wonderful, I’ll just grab a basket and blanket and we’ll be off right away." Her horn lit up to pull a well-sized picnic basket out from under the table, no doubt already containing everything the two of us needed.

"We’ll stop by the market and find you some delicious..." She paused as she took another look at me, this time without the needless smile. "Although, we simply must do something about that attire if you’re to go out in public."

Why does she keep talking about my clothes? She doesn’t even wear any.

"Hmm, I don’t have enough time to make you a new outfit," she uttered to herself. "Why don’t we start by taking off those tacky gloves of yours? They're simply unbecoming, and they don't even match your eyes."

Take off my gloves? What scatterbrain gave this witch a surgical license?

I felt the tingling feel of magic consume my hands, followed by the sensation of being pulled forward. "Come on," she strained as her horn glowed vigorously, "let’s see those handsome claws you’ve got underneath all that atrocious leather."

Oh, she must be kidding. She thinks there’s something underneath my gloves? I think some of that magic might have seeped through her glaze. Sure hope that doesn’t happen to me.

After pulling on my gloves just long enough for it to still be funny, she let go, flying backward into her army of voodoo. She blew the hair out of her disgruntled face and said, "All right then. I suppose the gloves stay on."

She turned on her magic again, and a large yet lightweight sunhat flopped onto my head. It made my head tingle, but it didn’t make me want to stand on any large white X’s, so I didn’t fuss.

"Let’s at least put on something to cover up that dreadful orange mess. I never want to see orange and blue put together again for as long as I live." She glared at a large nearby treasure chest that was already begging for me to loot its contents. I would have gone for it, but I didn’t want to do anything that might interfere with my currently scheduled ambush.

Pic-nica turned to me with false sunshine on her face as she made her way to the door. "Shall we be off then? You must want dinner more than life itself, am I right?"

Yes, but I’ll trade both of those things to fight some enchanted grapefruit monsters.

She found a spot on her front door that was still intact and placed a note on it. Then she inspected my appearance again, put some large sunglasses over my eyes, and we headed off to our picnic, where I was eagerly looking forward to the dastardly trap that awaited me.

---

"You see, Filthy? Gummy will make the perfect slogan for the event. He fits on the ship and everything!" Pinkie held up the almost entirely pink model ship in her hooves. Clamped to its mast was her pet alligator, wearing a powdered wig and rain boots, not even caring to lick the ice cream that stained it.

Filthy Rich gave a distracted nod, resting his cheek on his hoof as he sat at his dining room table, not even bothering to argue Pinkie’s use of his informal nickname or the definition of ‘slogan.’

"What’s the matter, Filthy?" Pinkie asked as she jumped onto the chair next to him. "Do I need to bring out Mr. Happy again? Because the doctors are saying it doesn’t look good." She somberly glanced over at her moosey puppet friend that was in a small bed by the door, attached to a beeping heart monitor.

"Pinkie, how do you know if you’re a good parent?" Filthy asked, suddenly regaining his concentration towards the pink mare. "I mean, how do you know if you’re doing a good job?"

"Let me tell ya, Filthy." Pinkie extended her leg around the stallion’s neck. "Sometimes, when life gets me down, I start to think I’m not a very good parent either."

Filthy played a quick game of tennis with his eyes. "Uh, Pinkie, you aren’t a-"

"But then I just remember the great advice Gummy gave me."

"Your pet?" Filthy pointed to their new lazy-eyed, toothless slogan in disbelief. "He gave you parenting advice?"

"Yep, Gummy knows all about little kids. He’s littler than anypony, so he’s a real expert." Pinkie stroked his wig as he continued holding onto the mast.

"Well, what’s the ‘expert’ got to say?" Filthy asked, a tiny glimmer of interest hidden in his sarcastic tone.

"He says as long as you keep them smiling, everything will be a-okay," Pinkie quoted with a broad, overpowering grin.

The stallion frowned. "I think your pet should stick to chomping on model ships," he said.

"He does like the taste of wood," Pinkie said, pulling Gummy off the mast to give him a hug, "but I’m totally with him on the smiling thing. I mean, if a pony’s smiling, what could be the problem?"

"Plenty could be the problem," Filthy said. "Like what if the smile’s not real?"

Pinkie giggled and shook her head. "Those don’t count, Filthy. Gummy’s talking about happy smiles."

"Oh yeah? How ‘bout the smile a crook’s got when he steals something from somepony? That’s a pretty happy smile, but what does that say about the parents?"

"Oh, we’re talking about bad guys?" Pinkie asked as she slapped an eyepatch on Gummy. "That’s funny. I thought we were talking about Dimey."

Filthy let out a soft groan, planting his head into the table. "Hey, I know. Let’s talk about her instead," he muffled through the table with a false sense of eureka.

"Works for me. I wanted to ask you about the problem she was having," Pinkie said as Gummy jumped back onto the boat and clamped onto its mast again.

Filthy lifted his head back up, looking a tad concerned. "You know?"

"How could I miss it?" she asked, pointing back to Mr. Happy’s worsening heart rate. "Somepony stole her smile. That’s like the biggest problem a pony can have."

Filthy groaned again, almost laughing as he shook his head. "Nopony stole her smile, Pinkie. She’s probably still upset about her punishment."

Pinkie gasped, surprised to hear the news. "Sweet little Dimey got in trouble? What’d she do?"

Filthy gave the mare a disturbed look. "She had a little problem at school and tried to solve it by chomping on her classmate’s ear."

"Sounds a lot like Gummy," Pinkie said as her costumed pet sprung off the boat and clamped down on her own ear. "Maybe they’re long lost twins! They are both small, cute, and funny."

"There wasn’t anything funny about this," Filthy replied. "You should have seen her when she came home. She wanted me to buy off Sweet Apple Acres and tear it to the ground."

"That doesn’t sound very nice," Pinkie stated.

"That’s why I had to do something about it," Filthy said. "I figured it was time she learned a thing or two about respecting other ponies. So I took something away from her. Something that meant the world to her."

Pinkie let out a longer gasp, letting some air back out to complete it. She jumped onto the table and accusingly pointed her hoof at the stallion. "It was you! You took away her smile! Do you know what you’ve done to the Happy family? Huh?" She pulled out a disgruntled feminine moose puppet wearing a pearl necklace and holding a rolling pin. "Mrs. Happy’s got a few choice words for you!"

"It was her tiara, Pinkie," Filthy explained in annoyance. "I took away her tiara."

Pinkie’s anger dissipated as she scratched her chin with her hoof puppet. "I thought she looked different. I guess she isn’t getting shorter."

Filthy stared down at the table. "I said she could have it back once she shaped up, but so far nothing’s really changed. She had a little sulking marathon before my trip last Thursday, and by the time I came back, she was completely back to mouthing off at everypony. Celestia knows what she's up to right now."

He laid his chin on his hooves and sighed. "It’s like nothing changes no matter how much I punish her. I mean, I took away her most prized possession, and she’s gone and forgotten about it. What am I supposed to do? Put a shock collar on her?"

Pinkie stood beside his chair, looking a bit concerned. "Well, Filthy, it’s like Gummy always says: you can push a pony into the pool, but that doesn’t mean they’ll play water polo with you."

Filthy curiously looked up to the creature tasting Pinkie’s ear. "Fair enough, but she’s gotta learn to swim somehow or she’s gonna drown."

Pinkie’s ear quivered as she pulled Gummy off it to set him on the table. "Gummy says you should buy her a floaty."

Filthy groaned and leaned back in his chair, his interest in Gummy's advice drained. "It's just been one disaster after another ever since that day I made that big sapphire deal. First my daughter gets in trouble at school, then all that lousy perfect weather last week pretty much cancels any profit I was hoping to get from those sapphires, then my wife gets invited on that seven-day cruise with Princess Luna on the same day I left on that worthless business trip that couldn't even push last week's sales out of the red, and right after I get back, I have to deal with the whole Mork fiasco."

"Mork’s last name is Fiasco? He never told me that!" Pinkie said somewhat bitterly.

"It’s all been so hectic that I haven’t even seen much of my daughter. I didn’t even buy her a gift during my business trip. I never forget the gift!"

"Then how’d you forget it?" Pinkie asked.

"I just feel so bad for her," Filthy continued. "Before you showed up, I almost caved in and gave her that tiara back."

"That sounds great!" Pinkie exclaimed. "Dimey would have been so happy!"

"Yeah, she would have called me the greatest dad ever," Filthy replied, a small smile appearing for a moment before it faded. "But I just can’t do that. If I go back on this punishment now, she’ll never learn."

"Aww, come on, Filthy," Pinkie said. "Can’t you just find a nicer way to punish Dimey? Maybe with rubber duckies or styrofoam?"

Filthy glared at her with reasonable ferocity. "Now you’re sounding like Miss Cheerilee. Let me tell you something about real life, Pinkie. It can’t always be all happy and huggy. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy if you want to make things happen."

Pinkie looked confused. "Why would you want to be the bad guy?" she asked. "They steal things and then smile about it."

"I don’t want to be the bad guy," Filthy said, looking to the floor. "I just don’t want my daughter turning into one."

It barely took a second for Pinkie to descend into a fit of laughter. "That’s a good one, Filthy. Dimey going bad. That’d be like Gummy going quiet." Her pet clamped onto her nose as she made her analogy.

"It’s just that I can’t get through to her," Filthy stated, looking back to the hyperactive mare. "She only listens when there’s something in it for--Pinkie, what are you doing?"

"I’m not Pinkie," Pinkie haughtily declared as she stood atop the table wearing a shiny crown that the stallion could readily identify. "I’m the evil Diamond Tiara. I make ponies tremble with fear and play inconsiderately loud music at night. Now give me all your candy and stop having fun!"

Filthy gave her his best expression of annoyance. "That’s not funny, Pinkie," he said.

"Lighten up, Filthy," Pinkie urged as she took off her crown. "You don’t really think Dimey could go bad, do you?"

"Of course I don’t!" Filthy shouted, his tie coming loose. "My daughter’s not a bad pony! She just..." His words trailed off.

"Just what?" Pinkie asked as she took off her crown.

Filthy's gaze went back to the floor. "She just wants everything to go her way."

"That’s funny. Gummy wants everything to go his way too." Gummy fell off Pinkie's nose and back onto the table. "Maybe they really are long-lost twins!"

"That’s something everypony wants, Pinkie, but that’s not how life works. Sometimes things go your way. Sometimes they don’t. Diamond just doesn’t understand that. She wants things her way all the time, and when they don’t, she does all she can to make sure they do."

Filthy stood up and walked over to look out the window. "She just can’t be thinking like that all her life. She's living in a make-believe world, and I've gotta snap her out of it before it becomes her real one."

"I get it, Filthy," Pinkie said as she finished her house of cards. "You may not know this, but I know a ton about playing make-believe. Gummy taught me everything he knows." She held up her pet that was now wearing a large fishbowl over its wig. "All she needs is to spend a little real time with some of her close friends, and I know just how to make that happen. We'll throw her a surprise party!"

"We can’t throw my daughter a party," Filthy angrily replied, turning away from the window. "She’s being punished!"

"But Filthy, don’t you want to make Dimey smile?" Pinkie asked.

Filthy froze as he realized he was about to say 'no'. He didn't need to ask Gummy to know that wasn't what a good parent would say. He'd ignored Diamond for almost a week now; he didn't need this on top of it. Besides, he did want Diamond to be happy, now more than ever.

"I guess it wouldn’t hurt if we had a little get-together here at the house," he finally said.

"All right! This is gonna be the best party ever!" Pinkie cheered, putting a party hat on Gummy’s fishbowl. "Should I get live music?" She held up her pet to her face. "Where’d you put my accordion, Gummy?"

"Nothing fancy, Pinkie," Filthy said. "Last thing I want her thinking is that she’s off the hook."

"Got it. No clowns and no bouncy castles," Pinkie acknowledged, giving a quick salute and dashing into the kitchen. Her departure was followed by a series of loud noises and a tremor that shook the whole house. Pinkie peeked back into the room with a chef’s hat on her head and her face spotted with flour. "Got the banner finished!" she replied

"No banner," Filthy barked, causing Pinkie to sadly slink back into the kitchen.

Filthy rubbed his head and sighed again. As Pinkie continued causing a ruckus in the kitchen, he found himself turning to his right to gaze up at the family portrait that hung up on the dining room wall. It was a simple picture of himself, his wife, and his daughter standing in front of a deep blue backdrop. He and his wife were standing on either side of the pink filly, who was standing on a chair to be level with them. Diamond's smile was innocent and very proud, and her tiara sat perfectly on her head like it was smiling along with her.

Looking at the picture made Filthy smile himself. It reminded him how precious his daughter was when she wasn’t causing any grief. Sure, she was a bit self-centered, but that didn’t make her a bad pony. That didn’t mean she was going to turn evil.

Filthy’s smile vanished as a sense of fear overtook him. Why was that thought still in his head?

"Filthy!" Pinkie called as she stuck her head back in the room, her eyes prepared to beg. "Can this party have cake?"

Filthy gazed at that picture for a moment longer, still a bit disturbed by his thoughts. Then, he turned back to Pinkie, looking a bit uneasy. "All right, but no ice cream."

---

"So the three of us got behind her chair and pushed her in, but Rarity just wasn’t in the mood for water polo. We tried playing without her, but Sweetie Belle popped the ball with her horn and Scootaloo got tangled up in the net. So, none of us got any cutie marks that day, and Rarity swore off public pools for life." Apple Bloom looked to her sister for a word as the two arrived home, her story appearing to be at its conclusion.

"Well, that certainly was a long story," Applejack replied as she followed her sister to their front door, "but that don’t answer my question ‘bout how school went today."

"Oh, uh, right. School." Apple Bloom turned away, quickly heading into the safety of her home, closely followed by her inquiring sister.

The two entered their living room to find their brother sprawled out on the sofa, exhausted after his hard day of working the fields. Upon seeing him, the contrastingly excited Apple Bloom rushed up to greet him.

"Hey there, Big McIntosh! Are you coming kayaking with us?" she asked in zest as Applejack gave him an acknowledging tip of the hat. Too tired to reply, the stallion just politely shook his head and sank deeper into the couch pillow.

"Still waiting to hear about that school day," Applejack said, starting to get concerned by her sister’s reluctance to answer.

"Uh, hey, I know!" Apple Bloom said as she casually motioned to the stairs, her eyes facing nowhere but forward. "Why don’t I go upstairs and get our paddles? Can’t paddle without paddles."

Applejack couldn’t believe it. Her sister was keeping something from her. After spending the entire day before trying to get rid of all the secrets between them, that filly was already trying to make new ones.

Taking an extensive step forward, Applejack softly brought her hoof down on her sister’s tail, her tone falling into harsher territory as she said, "Now Apple Bloom, we can do this the easy way or the Granny way."

"Say what now?" Apple Bloom asked, looking wide-eyed and confused.

Applejack put her hoof to her face and looked up to the ceiling. "What’s that, Apple Bloom?" Applejack shouted loud enough to get a noise complaint from Canterlot. "You wanna massage Granny’s hooves?"

The filly’s thoughts of paddle retrieval and all else were wiped clean from her mind as she wriggled free of Applejack’s grip. "No, Applejack, please! Anything but that! She’ll break out the gunk scraper! I can’t handle the gunk scraper! I don’t even understand where the gunk comes from!"

"Can ya tell me how school was today?" Applejack asked suspiciously.

"Whaddya say, dearie?" a familiar, gravelly voice called from the kitchen. "You say somepony wants to give my dusty, old stompers a proper rubdown?"

Hearing her grandmother’s approaching steps, Apple Bloom turned to her sister, aggressively nodding like it was her next crusade.

Granny entered the room, looking to Applejack for confirmation to her question. Applejack looked down at her sister’s desperately pleading expression and replied, "Uh, yeah, Big McIntosh does."

Big Mac’s tired eyes sprung open as he heard his name pulled out of thin air.

"Well, ain’t you just the sweetest grandson a pony ever did have?" Granny said, affectionately rubbing his cheek as he lethargically separated his head from his pillow. "Applejack, do you remember where I put my scraper?"

Applejack pensively looked toward the ceiling. "Why don’t ya check the barn?" she asked.

"Fantastic idea." Granny turned back to the exhaustedly panicking stallion and patted his head as she meandered toward the front door. "Come on, best grandson ever. I feel like there's a knot in my leg the size of a full-grown apple tree."

Big Mac sighed as he reluctantly threw himself off the couch to follow Granny outside, turning his head to give his sister an eyeful as he closed the door behind him. She offered an apologetic grin in response.

Her expression quickly changed to mild irritation as she heard the a loud creak from the staircase behind her. "I don’t know where you think yer goin’," she said, making her sister wince and stop cold. "Them paddles are in the kitchen closet."

Apple Bloom turned back toward her sister, actively trying to avoid eye contact. "Oh, uh, right. My bad."

"Apple Bloom, what in the name of custard happened at that school today that you don’t want me to know about?" Applejack asked as she walked over to the staircase.

Apple Bloom hesitantly walked back down, her thoughts visibly consumed with the events that had transpired at school that day. "You sure you wanna know?" she asked.

Applejack nodded as she and her sister entered the kitchen. She kept her eyes focused on the filly, her mind racing as she considered what all the fuss was about.

'Well, you remember that little problem I had at school about ten days ago?" Apple Bloom asked as they arrived at the kitchen closet. "The one while you were out of town?"

Applejack’s body went as stiff as a scarecrow as she reached for the closet’s doorknob. Her memory of the incident had nearly faded from her mind after all the fun and confusion over the past twenty-four hours, but it all came rushing back the second Apple Bloom brought it up.

"I didn’t hear ‘bout no little problems happenin’ that day," Applejack said, her hoof still frozen in midair. "Was it before or after ya threw down?" She kept facing the closet, taking a deep breath to keep her mind clear.

Apple Bloom shifted her eyes toward the kitchen stove, relieved that Applejack hadn't overreacted again. "So, you do remember."

"A course I do, but why are ya bringin’ it up now?" Applejack asked, her hoof defrosting to open the closet door. "Ain’t that all just water under the bridge?"

Apple Bloom spit dryly at the absurdity of her sister’s question. "Only thing under that bridge is mean, pink, and snooty."

"Oh boy," Applejack said, rummaging through the closet for kayaking equipment. "That little doggie don’t ever lie down, does she? What’d she do this time? She try eatin’ yer homework?"

Apple Bloom tried to stay serious but had to giggle. "Nah, but she sure did a lot of barkin'."

"Well, as long as she ain’t biting nopony," Applejack said in earnest.

"Trust me, her barkin’s a whole lot worse," Apple Bloom disdainfully said as she curiously examined an accordion that Applejack had tossed out of the closet in her search. "And it ain’t gettin’ no better now that she’s gone psycho."

"Apple Bloom," Applejack said harshly as she located one of the oars in the back of the closet, "that ain’t no way to talk about one of yer classmates."

"But Applejack—"

"But nothing," Applejack said, setting the oar aside. "Listen, Apple Bloom, I know that filly gives you and yer friends a hard time every now and then, but she ain’t a monster. She’s probably just looking for a little attention. Maybe if you stopped focusing on how mean, pink, and snooty she is, she could become one of your good friends."

Apple Bloom gave her sister a look of utter blankness, only to quickly make a smile out of it. "Yer right, Applejack," she said as her sister turned back into the closet. "The next time Diamond Tiara starts tossin’ out personalized insults in the middle a class like candy on Nightmare Night, I’ll just ask her if she wants to go see a movie after."

"She did what now?" Applejack shouted, yanking the second oar out of the closet as she quickly turned around, causing a mountain of objects to topple around her.

Apple Bloom matched her sister's panicked expression. "She was outta control, Applejack. She went off on everypony. Called us all stupid and said we were dirt. There wasn’t one feeling left in that room that wasn’t hurt by the time she got done."

"Now hold on there, Apple Bloom," Applejack said, working on picking up the clutter. "That don’t even make sense. Miss Cheerilee wouldn’t let her get away with somethin’ like that."

Apple Bloom looked her sister right in the eye, her face morbidly serious. "She went off on everypony, Applejack."

Applejack dropped the broom she had picked up. "She talked smack to her own teacher?"

"Her teacher, me, Silver Spoon, Rainbow Dash, I'm just glad Princess Celestia didn't stop by for a visit."

The confused mare shook her head as she stacked up a pile of fallen cans. "Where’d this even come from, anyhow? You ain’t made a fuss about her since you said she called us both dirty liars."

"That’s the craziest part! She hasn’t so much as coughed since then. She's been so quiet I kept having to look to see if she was really there every day. She didn’t even say nothin’ last Thursday when Granny made me wear that silly flower hat."

"What’s wrong with Granny’s flower hat?" Applejack asked, spotting the article on a nearby hat rack.

Apple Bloom pointed her nose to the ceiling and said in a higher-pitched and more nasally tone, "You call that a hat? I've read better headwear than that dying weed."

"She said that?" Applejack asked, feeling a bit uncomfortable with her sister's impersonation.

"No!" Apple Bloom retorted. "That's what I'm trying to tell ya! I think she spent all last week just comin' up with what she was gonna say today. And that was just the beginning! After Miss Cheerilee finally got her to stop, she went back to bein' quiet. I think she's planning her next move!"

"Calm down, Apple Bloom," Applejack stated, grabbing hold of her sister. "Ya ain't playin' checkers with her. She was probably just quiet 'cause she felt bad 'bout what she said to everypony."

"Diamond Tiara felt bad? Really?" Apple Bloom sarcastically asked.

"Sounded a whole lot more believable in my head," Applejack replied, entering the closet to find the kayak itself.

Apple Bloom's eyes went to the floor. "I just hope she gets her tiara back soon. Who knows what'll happen otherwise?"

"Now wait just a minute there," Applejack said, pulling the kayak out of the closet. "Are you telling me all this fuss is 'cause of a silly little crown?"

"Don’t say that!" Apple Bloom shouted, shoving her hoof into her sister’s mouth. "She might hear you."

Applejack removed her sister's hoof and shook her head. "Apple Bloom, now yer the one talking crazy."

"I got no choice, Applejack," Apple Bloom replied as she nervously peered out the window. "When I broke that tiara, I unleashed some kinda unspeakable pink horror, and now everypony in town's gonna pay for my mistake."

Not liking what Apple Bloom was implying, Applejack placed a hoof on her shoulder. "Tell you what, Apple Bloom," she said with a sisterly grin, "it sounds to me like you need to get yer mind off all this tiara business. How's about we head out and get this kayakin' thing under way?"

"All right," Apple Bloom agreed, "but if Diamond Tiara’s at the foot of my bed with a rusty hatchet tonight, don’t say I didn’t warn ya."

Applejack endearingly rubbed her sister’s scalp. "Don’t you worry, Apple Bloom. Ain’t no way I’m gonna let her hurt you again."

They pushed the boat out the back door, throwing the oars inside it to make the task simpler. They waved goodbye to their brother and grandmother and made their way out their front gate. Then, as Applejack prepared to explain to her sister the proper way to pilot a kayak, a small, purple dragon raced past them, his head pointed straight up.

"Heya, Spike," Applejack called out to the her anxious-looking friend. "Twilight got you runnin' more errands for her?"

Spike stopped, pulled a 180, and shouted, "Don't tell Twilight! Everything's fine!"

"We can't tell Twilight everything's fine?" Apple Bloom asked.

Spike looked to the sky again, his eyes shifting around anxiously like the clouds were on fire. "I...I gotta go!" he shouted as he rushed off, his eyes on the sky the entire time.

The two sisters watched him run off in silence. Then, a stray memory found its way to the front of Apple Bloom's mind, causing her to remark, "That reminds me, Applejack. There was one other thing that happened today."

Applejack smiled, glad to hear her sister being so open about this one. "Oh yeah? What was it?"

"There was this crazy-lookin’ animal that ran right past our school this morning. It ran on two legs, it was about twice my size, and it was wearin a hat that looked exactly like yours. Do you know anything about that?"

"Uh," Applejack stammered, not sure how to answer that question. "Well, I uh..."

Apple Bloom wasn’t buying it. "Applejack, we can do this the easy way or the Granny way."

"All right, all right, no need to get all threateny," Applejack replied as she continued pushing the kayak forward. "I almost don't know where to start. Mork ain't exactly the easiest thing to explain."

---

"Who's Mork?" Sweetie Belle asked herself as she read the note on Rarity's heavily damaged door. She dejectedly turned away and stomped off. Scootaloo had run off with Rainbow Dash, Apple Bloom had kayaking plans with her sister, and Rarity was off on a romantic picnic with her new boyfriend. It seemed like everypony had something to do and somepony to do it with except for her.

Having no better ideas, Sweetie decided to head to the library and see if Twilight needed any more help finding Pinkie or Fluttershy. The whole ordeal had been forgotten after the situation with the bucket, and Sweetie wanted to apologize and make sure it was all under control.

However, as she caught sight of the library’s foliage, she heard a faint cry that sounded like Applejack’s voice booming all the way from Sweet Apple Acres. Sweetie Belle turned her head in the direction of the noise.

She had wondered earlier if the monkey thing might have eaten Applejack, but she didn’t think it was actually true. Wondering if the farm pony's ghost had returned from the grave to haunt her, she anxiously cantered forward, looking to the sky for any signs of spectral activity. She became so distracted looking in all directions that she neglected to look straight ahead, and she crashed headfirst into something that had stepped into her path.

The collision was actually more of a bump than a crash, but Sweetie knew she had to apologize regardless.

"Sorry, I should have watched where I--" Sweetie stopped mid-sentence, squealing in terror as her eyes met with the ones belonging to the creature she had bumped into. It was the second time she’d encountered it that day, and it looked even more terrifying than the first. It stood on all fours with a manic hunger in its eyes like it was staring at a delicious cupcake, and it wore an overeager smile on its face that looked like it had just been recently purchased. Yelling was the only appropriate response Sweetie could have made to something like this, and she couldn’t decide whether to follow it up by running or playing dead.

"Hi, Sweetie Belle!" Diamond Tiara happily addressed, aggressively leaning forward and ensuring Sweetie’s future nightmares. "What’s up?"

Sweetie instantly checked behind herself, hoping to find another Sweetie Belle ready to answer Diamond Tiara’s inquiry. When she disappointedly found none, she faced forward and yelped again, the same sight managing to surprise her a second time.

"You seem upset," Diamond asked with a tilt of the head, her smile still at full charge. "Is something wrong?"

Sweetie Belle felt like a large target had been placed on her forehead. Why was Diamond Tiara asking if something was wrong? Did she want something to laugh at? Was she scavenging the town for misery to feed on? Sweetie didn't have time to come up with the answer. All she could think to do was to get out of there as fast as possible.

"Nope, no problem. No problems at all. Thanks for asking, bye," Sweetie responded in haste, stepping around Diamond and making a mad dash for the library.

As she darted away, she turned back around to make sure nothing was following her only to crash into something else. Sweetie fell backward and screamed a third time as she realized that something was Diamond Tiara.

"You can’t lie to me, Sweetie Belle," Diamond said sweetly, blockading Sweetie's path once again. "I can tell something’s bothering you."

Sweetie almost went there but decided against it. She carefully stood back up, timidly replying, "N-no, really, nothing’s wrong with me. I don’t have a care in the world."

"Then why are you in such a hurry?" Diamond asked as she leaned closer, her voice flowing like honey. "Ponies that don’t care never run."

Sweetie felt like she was trapped in some sort of twisted hall of mirrors, and it didn’t look like she’d be getting out anytime soon. She decided to make up something that Diamond couldn’t laugh at to effectively pay the toll and be on her way.

"Actually I’m just, uh, late to return a library book." She reached into her backpack, grabbed the first book-like thing she felt, and dropped it on the ground.

Diamond had to pull back her smile as she curiously gazed down to verify Sweetie's claim. "Isn’t that our math book?" she asked, causing Sweetie to give it a double take, finding the words "Math Made Easy" printed across the top.

"Uh, yeah!" Sweetie stated. "I just love math so much that I got another copy from the library." Sweetie couldn't believe she had just said that. She had just given Diamond Tiara two years worth of insult material in one sentence.

"Really?" Diamond asked as Sweetie pinched her eyes shut in preparation of the barrage. "That’s pretty cool."

Sweetie peeked through her left eye, too afraid to look through both right away. "Cool? Don’t you mean it's dweeby and totally lame?"

"Are you kidding? Why would I say that?" Diamond asked as she swatted downward with her front hoof.

Sweetie opened her second eye so she could verify if she was actually speaking to Diamond Tiara. "Well, that’s what you usually say whenever I do...anything."

Diamond slid in beside the unicorn to forcefully give Sweetie her book back. "Why would I ever make such an untrue statement about my good friend?"

Sweetie carefully snagged the book and put it back in her backpack. "Well, you did-" She stopped as the Diamond’s words registered in her head. "Did you just call me your good friend?"

"You’re right. We’re so much closer than that," Diamond declared as she wrapped her front leg around the unicorn’s back, pulling her into a tight hug.

"I didn’t know we were friends," Sweetie petitioned, feeling like the mirror maze had turned into a bear trap.

"Sure you did," Diamond replied. "Haven’t you noticed? I’m always there when you’re going through a rough patch."

Sweetie took a moment to consider Diamond’s claim. "Well, yeah, but you’re usually there laughing."

"Laughing away the tears," Diamond corrected.

Sweetie’s eyes shifted as if she were signaling for help with them. "I don’t think my tears are very afraid of your laugh."

Diamond giggled at Sweetie’s response. "Oh, you’re so funny, Sweetie Belle. Tears don’t have emotions," she said, laughing some more.

Sweetie Belle didn’t understand what was happening. Diamond Tiara had just bounced a joke off her that didn’t even leave a mark, and her laughter wasn’t chafing half as much as normal. Sweetie was starting to think Apple Bloom was right about her ‘Diamond Tiara going bonkers’ theory, but that didn’t make her feel any better. "Is everything okay with you, Diamond Tiara?" she asked the giggling filly.

"Call me Diamond," she insisted. "You know what they say: Diamond is a girl’s best friend."

"Now we’re best friends?" Sweetie asked, suddenly fearing that Diamond was looking to replace Silver Spoon.

"Only if you want to be," Diamond said in a singsong tone, squeezing Sweetie like her favorite plush toy.

Sweetie gasped for air as the pony resembling Diamond Tiara finally released her. "Does it come with an extra set of lungs?" she asked.

Diamond fell into another fit of laughter, this one more than a simple string of giggling. "You’re so, so funny, Sweetie Belle." Diamond said, squeezing tighter with every ‘so’. "I’ve always liked that about you."

"Really?" Sweetie asked, suddenly imagining a horrific alternate reality where Diamond hadn’t always liked something about her.

"So, what should we do today?" Diamond asked, firmly clutching onto Sweetie Belle like she was her ticket to get on the ferris wheel.

"We?" Sweetie repeated. "You mean, like, you and me?"

"I’m not talking to that bush," Diamond teased, making Sweetie suddenly feel jealous toward shrubbery. "So, what do you want to do? Sing a song? Bounce a ball? Paint a fence? Run a marathon? You said you like math. You want to count some things?"

"Do you even like doing any of that stuff?" Sweetie asked, prompting an even louder laugh from the pink filly.

"This isn’t about me, Sweetie Belle. This is about us and what amazing friends we are." Diamond emphasized their friendship with another big squeeze.

Sweetie Belle had given up on understanding anything and just tried to focus on not suffocating from Diamond’s constricting grip.

"You must feel so lucky," Diamond said. "Having me as a best friend and getting to spend the whole entire day with me. I’m so jealous of you right now."

Sweetie suddenly knew what it felt like when Rarity was having a panic attack. "Uh, actually, I-I can’t today."

"Huh?" Diamond asked, her smile momentarily disturbed. "Why not?"

"Well, I, uh, you see..." Sweetie’s eyes darted in all directions, almost independently of each other, looking for an excuse. "I’m trying to get my cutie mark in...solitaire."

Diamond’s left eyebrow leapt up. "You mean that dumb card game that old ponies play when they’re bored? You’d rather play that than hang out with me?" she asked, her voice still strangely free of anger.

"No! No, no, no, no!" Sweetie shouted automatically, knowing what would happen if she said otherwise. "It’s just that...I really think this could be my special talent, and, you know, you can’t play it with two ponies."

Diamond said nothing. She simply looked forward like she was distracted by something shiny.

Sweetie decided to take action. "So, I guess I’ll be going then. Maybe we could be amazing friends some other time." Sweetie squirmed free from Diamond’s grasp and nimbly rushed toward the library, making sure to face forward so Diamond didn’t end up in front of her again. However, she froze in place as she heard a melancholy sigh behind her, turning back around to see Diamond looking sadly at the dirt.

"Is something wrong...Diamond?" Sweetie asked, the words tasting strangely in her mouth.

"It’s nothing," Diamond replied. "I just wanted to do something nice to make up for all those mean things I said this morning, but I guess you’re too busy for that."

"You mean, that’s all this is about?" Sweetie asked, starting to feel guilty about trying to run off.

Diamond turned away as her ears fell flat. "I was even going to offer to help earn your cutie mark, but I guess you’re not interested." She started walking away as Sweetie raised her hoof to protest.

"Diamond, wait!" she shouted, causing Diamond to turn back and give her a questioning look. Sweetie couldn't hold eye contact and looked to the ground to timidly ask, "You...really want to help me earn my cutie mark?"

Diamond’s smile rose from the dead, and she zipped back to Sweetie’s side before the unicorn could even blink. "I knew you'd come around," she proclaimed as she wrapped her leg back around Sweetie and started dragging her forward. "I hope you’re not too set on being a blank flank forever, because today’s the last day you’ll have one."

"Uh, thanks?" Sweetie replied as best as she could while having the life squeezed out of her.

"Now let’s go get you something sweet to eat," Diamond said.

"But I already tried getting a sweet-eating cutie mark," Sweetie said.

Diamond laughed again. "It’s not for your cutie mark. I just want to buy my friend a little treat."

Sweetie's mind practically split in two. Those words weren’t meant to come out of Diamond Tiara’s mouth. Hearing them actually do so felt like watching a bank robber donating money to charity. Sweetie wasn’t sure how to feel about it, but if it meant free dessert, she wasn’t about to complain.

"So what are you feeling like?" Diamond asked, victoriously sticking her nose up. "Croquembouche? Tiramisu? Seven-layer chocolate ganache cake?"

"Actually," Sweetie said, the enticing colors of a nearby sign catching her eye, "I could go for some ice cream."

Comments

[SouthernmostDogs]

Ice cream is a running gag right now.

[MagerBlutooth]

2295801
And it's such a tasty one.

[Lemon Curry]

Friendly Diamond Tiara scares the bejeepers out of me.

[MagerBlutooth]

Oh, what's so scary about this?
i1324.photobucket.com/albums/u602/MagerBlutooth/DTSmile2_zpsf0e4cd47.jpg

Also, nice callback.

[RemareShadows]

Ya know that tingly feeling ya get when you think a bug is crawling on you...
I got that right now..
Need to get a new set bejeepers.

Heh btw egale OP.

Nightmares of helping Granny were had that day.