Mark Star is Equestria handyman extraordinary as well as the only human who single handle changed the course of history with one single question, resulting in an unexpected and sexy timeline. A 'what if' story where Twilight refused to be a princess.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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10911471
Those types of characters are generic as hell. Especially this character, dudes is literally acting like a child, and we BOTH have seen those types.
I can't even get pass a quarter of the first chapter.
10961998
Eh that is fair, hope you have better luck with other stories.
10961998
I would say that it get better and I start to flesh out more the character as time goes on but I'm not sure you would want to wait until Milky arrival
10962012
It's the generic main character that killed it for me. The dude acts like a child.
10962098
Totally understandable, this was my first try and I'm mainly just following the example of other stories and try a spin of my own. Of course not everyone would like that kind of character.
10962122
His personality would only be understandable if he was a ACUTEL child, but he is a adult therefore you should write his character as a ADULT.
10962851
Jeje and how would an adult should be write then? There are plenty of type of adults
10962878
Bruh, don't tell me that you don't know how to write a adult character
10962882
You really don't know how ambiguous it is just saying 'write someone as an adult' do you?
10962882
Look I get it, you don’t like him been all goodie too shoes and overly worried and careful I understand that. You don’t need to jump and just say “child” , because hard to break it too you je is way mature than Deadpool and I know of lots of adults that are like that. So yeah my OC IS an adult not just witch a personality you don’t like, that is all
10962890
You're right Lightning Ace. It is ambiguous to say "write someone as an adult."
Just look at how many stories this Deadpool1 has written so we can see some good examples of writing an adult character. (Looks at Deadpool1 profile.... sees zero stories written.) So there you go.
Lighting Ace, I'm glad that you are recognizing the difference between receiving a critique and bashing.
Critiques point out errors in your writing and suggests possible ways to improve.
Bashing, is just saying "waaaa, this is wrong.... waaa, this is bad.... waaa, write better" while crying like a baby.
Basically, they offer no helpful suggestions while complaining that you're not writing the story how they feel it should be written. Like they paid you money to write the story for them.
Unless they paid you, you don't have to write in any way but your own. If you want to write war stories, romance, harem, comedy, or even adults acting like children, please write! Have fun!
The only thing you should try to do with writing, is get better at it over time. Of course, look at how many stories I've written (none), so take my advice to heart as little as you want.
For everyone else, this is what we call a "Mary Sue, or Gary Stu, self-insert fantasy." If you didn't realize this is the kind of story it is, then you probably need more experience reading fan-fic stories.
They can be fun stories to read if you understand that's the kind of story you're getting involved in. You just have to adjust your mindset to enjoy it and not think about it too much. Not everyone likes these kind of stories and they get bored. That's fine too, just drop this story and read something else.
I would suggest that the author tells the reader what kind of story this is in the story description so they can choose to read or not and what they can expect from your story.
So there's my critique.
Thank you for posting, and keep writing!
have