2525: A Space Oddity

by ROBCakeran53

Chapter 2: H-00-V-ER

Chapter 2: H-00-V-ER

All four alicorns let out a scream of shock and terror.

The vacuum cleaner rolled backwards, it’s bag inflating and shaking like an angry rattlesnake, and the clear lens of the light glowing red.

Slowly, the four mares quieted down until they were just standing there with open mouths, staring at the vacuum as its bag slowly deflated back to normal and the red light behind the lens went back to white. It’s motor seemed to also be running, but along with the mares it began to spin down and go quiet.

“So…” the tinny voice began, the vacuums headlamp illuminating with each syllable, “I’m guessing you didn’t get my message?”

Blinking, Twilight took a step forward. “Your… message?”

“Yes. We saw the written message, and we figured out your written language quickly enough. But we didn’t understand vocal, so we got a message via radio waves at about 150 megahertz, so we figured you were a much more primitive species.”

“P-Primitive!?” Luna barked.

“Oh yes, that’s such old technology, however once I got here I saw your reel to reel. I listened to it a few times, picked up the vocals, and now here we are! I can speak to you, and I’ve already sent the data up to Three Point One, who will incorporate it to the database! Oh, and how rude of me!”

The vacuum’s cord unlooped a band, then dusted off it’s green fabric back, then replaced itself.

“Greetings, alien species yet unidentified, I am H-double zero-roman numeral five-ER, but everyone just calls me Hoover.”

“You’re… a vacuum cleaner,” Cadence muttered.

“That can talk,” Celestia added.

“Oh, pshaw, were it that simple,” Hoover said with a wave of his cord. “No, I was a vacuum cleaner, from the mid twentieth century back on our home planet, but around the twenty fifth century our Masters had basically used up all their natural resources, so they had to shove my A.I. chip into something they dug out of an ancient museum.”

All four mares blinked, lost.

It sighed, although more so saying the word sigh than actually doing the action. “Yes, I technically can still operate as one, but it’s… demeaning.”

“A.I.?” Twilight asked.

“Artificial intelligence,” Hoover answered.

“You mean… like a fake brain?” Celestia raised a brow.

“That’s a very dumbed down example, but if it helps you simpletons understand then sure.”

“Simpletons!” Luna scoffed. “Dost thou know who stands before you, vile machine?”

“Nope! I was hoping you’d tell me. I’d really like to meet with your leaders, though.”

“We are the leaders,” Luna added.

Celestia coughed.

“Well… two former leaders, two current ones, but still!”

“Oh, how splendid! That saves me a lot of trouble. Ahem…”

Once again, instead of actually clearing its throat, it just said the actual word ahem.

“We come from a race once known as homo sapien. Human, however, is much shorter and easier to understand. They were a proud, spiteful species, and then they discovered they were on the brink of extinction. Instead of actually trying to fix their problems, they decided to load up a spaceship full of a bunch of super smart computers, shoved into several thousand electronics, machines, or whatever they could scavenge from their landfills or museums, and launched us into space to spread their word, their history, art, music, whatever.

“And you… uh… what are you again?”

“We’re ponies,” Twilight answered, a parchment and quill floating beside her, scribbling along to the vacuum's words.

“Right, so you ponies are now the seventh sapient race we’ve discovered in the last one thousand, one hundred, and six years! So, now I wish to invite you aboard the UNSC Titanic, which trust me is not a joke for someone of the early twenty first century, but a coincidence that to this day we can’t fathom, other than pieces of our ship’s hull are actual parts of the RMS Titanic, totally not a jynx in the slightest.

“Since spaceships can’t sink. We just kinda implode.”

“Wait, hold on, you want to take us to your ship!?” Twilight’s eyes began to sparkle.

“If you wish, I could take all four of you, yes! After all, you will need to select an ambassador from our large selection of… candidates, to be our liaison with your world, and to share with your scholars, artists, and other such noble… ponies, to receive the most important gift humanity could leave behind.”

“Knowledge?” Luna asked.

“Pfft, no, I Love Lucy reruns. They’re great, and I’m totally not biased because I was manufactured in nineteen fifty eight.”

Several confused faces stared at Hoover.

“Also, this far out in space, we’re getting satellite transmissions from the early twenty second century and trust me, not much was worth watching then. I mean, come on, who attempts a reboot of Petticoat Junction?. Complete savages back then, and they totally ignored any continuity with Green Acres.”

“I’m sorry, Hoover, but most of what you’re saying is simply going over our heads,” Celestia’s motherly tone shows itself, as she tries to make an air of calm.

“Oh, right, apologies. I forget myself sometimes. It’s been three hundred years since the last species we found in which we could communicate with. Dreadful beings, lots of tentacles, and survived in the water. Could you believe they wanted Sunbeam, the toaster? Oh what a laugh.”

For the first time, all four alicorns shared a glance with one another, the doubts of this thing’s sanity were starting to arise.

“Anyway, now off we go! Please stick close together, should be but a moment.”

Hoover’s headlamp began to flash red.

“UNSC Titanic, this is Hoover. I have four terrestrial’s, appear to be herbivore’s in nature, and claim to be their leaders. Liked to beam all five of us up, please.”

There was a quiet pause.

“Hoover, you’ve only been down there for twenty minutes tops. There’s no way.”

The vacuum’s light went back to it’s normal white, strobing with each syllable. “But.. I did! They’re the ones who tried to contact us!”

“Fine, but if they’re not, then you’re the one putting them into the incinerator.”

“Wait, the what!?” Cadence baulked.

“Ahaha, don’t listen to him, he’s just a grump and if he weren’t programmed to follow the mission, we’d have already flown into a collapsing white dwarf by now.”

All four ponies gasped as they felt a strange feeling take hold of them, being surrounded by a golden light in a cylinder shape, beaming upwards.

“Relax! It’s part of the teleporter. The engineers had a sick sense of humor and made it to work like in Star Trek, the nerds. It could have been so much quicker if-”

Suddenly, all four of the pony's vision went black-

-and just as fast was restored, the lingering golden lights around them in the shape of a tube slowly dispersing.

“-they’d actually gone with what was available at the time, but they figured to impress other beings of the universe it needed to be more flashy and exciting.” At both of those words, Hoover used his cord prongs to do air quotes. “Bah, whatever, not like we’ve been able to change it any.”

Blinking away any spots in their vision, all four pony alicorns began to look around them.

The bright crystal walls of Twilight’s former castle were now cold, polished steel. It was clean, too clean really. No imperfections, no attachment points for any panels. Just clean, smooth metal.

Hoover began rolling away, towards the only opening in the room. “Come, come! I must introduce you to Three Point One, so you can be registered, then you get to meet the others and pick your ambassador!”

Tentatively, Luna was the first to step from the platform and begin slowly following. Next was Twilight, then Celestia, and lastly Cadence. All four walking in single file behind the vacuum cleaner.

After a couple of minutes of travel, something started to bug Celestia.

“Where is… everyone?” she asked.

“Every what?”

“Your people, humans, or any other A.I.’s like yourself?”

“Oh, the ship is designed to operate on a limited crew. There’s only six of us that stay on duty for the whole time, everything else shuts down until they’re either needed for specific tasks, or like now when it’s time for selection!”

“And your creators?”

“Oh, they’re all dead.”

Everypony froze, and it took several paces before Hoover noticed, turning around with a tilt of his handle.

“What?”

Celestia stepped forward.

“You sound so… cold about it.”

“They’re dead. Nothing to be said or done about it.”

“Still… an entire civilization… capable of making all this, making you, and you simply shrug it off?”

“I can’t shrug, but I can wave it off,” Hoover demonstrated with his cord.

Luna then walked forward. “What mine sister is trying to say is… we have been alive for thousands of years, and have witnessed many die in our time, even an entire race. It was impactful, remorseful, and to this day it is not, nor would it ever be, something to wave off.”

Luna finished with a clop of her hoof.

Hoover stood there, quiet, his headlamp off.

“Huh.”

Then he turned back around, continuing to roll forward.

Celestia and Luna shared a glance, but started walking again, following with Twilight and Cadence close behind.

Another five minutes of walking, and Hoover stopped before a closed door.

“Alright, ponies, this door will lead you to Three Point One. Now, I must warn you, he’s very egotistical because he’s so self claimed smart. He’s our communications officer, the voice you heard me talking too before, and he’ll get your planet registered.”

The door suddenly opened, Hoover waiting to the side for the four ponies to enter the room.

Much like the rest of the ship, it was dull, smooth steel with nothing to give it any bit of lived in feel. However, one strange thing did stand out.

Standing in the center of the room was a simple desk, wood top, with a chair in front of it, a small steel bucket resting upside down on the seat. They stood on a blue mat upon the floor, with a tall, narrow desk lamp attached to the left side. On the center of the desk were three items, all white, the highest mounted piece looking to have a glass window on its face. On the floor to the right rested another white part, making a total of four, connected with a mess of wires.

As the ponies and Hoover approached, the lamp clicked on, seemingly pointing at them, and causing Luna, Twilight, and Cadence to cover their faces with a hoof, while Celestia looked on with a curious glance.

Then the lamp turned off, and as Hoover stopped beside the desk, the ponies all stood before it. And then, the screen came to life with a green, blank background, and Equestrian text forming letter by letter.

OH LOOK, HORSES. MAKE SURE

THEY DON’T LEAVE A MESS

ON THE FLOOR.

As the text formed on the screen, a dull robotic voice said the words as they appeared.

“Three Point One! That’s rude, I told you they were equine in nature.”

NO, YOU SAID THEY WERE

LOCALS, AND SUPPOSEDLY

LEADERS.

IF YOU’D LIKE, I CAN PRINT OFF

OUR CONVERSATION, SINCE I

LOG EVERYTHING.

“No, no, that won’t be-”

TOO LATE.

“Forgive him, ponies, he’s-”

Suddenly, the large device on the floor began beeping, and a piece of paper slowly came out the top.

GO AHEAD. TAKE IT.

Hesitantly, Twilight stepped forward, using her hoof to grab the page, tear it off, and read it.

“He’s very egotistical because he’s so self claimed smart. He’s our communications officer, the voice you heard me talking too before, and he’ll get your planet registered,” Twilight read aloud, looking from her fellow alicorns, then to Hoover.

The vacuum let out the word sigh.

TWIT.

“Can we please just register them, then get this done and over with?”

SIGH…

IF WE MUST. YOU ARE SURE

THEY ARE INTELLIGENT

BEINGS?

“Aye,” Luna stepped forward. “And so far, we’ve decided to settle on the idea that we are the only intelligent things here.”

OH, SNARKY.

I LIKE THIS ONE.

VERY WELL, LET US BEGIN.

Comments

[KMCA]

“Fine, one old nag, and one perfectly petite ex-princess pony.”

Celestia nodded.

I'd like to point out Luna didn't specify which one is which and Luna IS the smaller of the 2.

[Kevin Lee]

LOL!! It's Courage's old computer!!

[Alondro]

They were a proud, spiteful species, and then they discovered they were on the brink of extinction.

Alondro waves from the side of the screen, "And I helped!"

“And your creators?”

“Oh, they’re all dead.”

Alondro leaaaaaans into frame again, slowwwwwwly and creepily, "I REALLY helped!"