New Friends and New Places

by RushThePony

Chapter 1 - Introductions

Rush was soaring. Speeding through the air at high speed, his wings leaving trails in the air. Slicing through clouds, wind whipping in his face. Pure exhilaration. He dived, screaming his excitement, then pulling sharply upward and looping in the sky. His adrenaline pumping, Rush proceeded with more extreme air stunts. Looping and rolling, steep nose dives, no one could catch him now. He was free.

Suddenly there was a noise, an incessant ringing. Rush stared around confused, looking for the source. Where is that coming from? I must be nearly a mile high. It grew louder, and louder. Rush had to hold his hooves over his ears to block it out. Closing his eyes he tried to force the sound away, nothing was going to ruin his new freedom.

Then his stomach lurched. The his favorite sensation changed. He tried to move his wings but he couldn't feel them. He was falling. Rush opened his eyes wide and stared at the approaching ground. He looked over his shoulder and his wings were gone. Oh Celestia what's happening? He panicked and flailed his limbs, trying to do anything to slow his descent. To no avail, he watched with sickly horror as the ground grew closer and closer. The ponies below stopped and looked up, pointing hooves at him. Then they screamed. Rush closed his eyes and prepared for the end he new was coming. The ringing growing louder still.

Thump.

Rush groaned, as the alarm clock buzzed and beep and rang so hard it threatened to topple over. He was face down on the floor, rear hooves in the air, with his comforter tangled around his legs.

Rush flapped his wings, flying off the floor and hovering a foot above the ground for a moment before landing. Wincing he put a hoof to his head, which was now throbbing and used his wing to create a gust of wind that pushed his alarm clock out the window and into a garbage bin that was always positioned right below his window. The ringing stopped.

Rush had that nighmare almost every night. He felt tied up and powerless in the world he lived. Working a monotonous job day in and out. He just wanted to explore the world and fly, his favorite thing in the entire universe. However that dream always brought him back to reality in the same way, his ironic worst fear, of falling.

Rush sat on his bed and looked over his two-room flat. The main room, which wasn't very large at all, consisted of a simple kitchen, a bookshelf, a radio, and the fold out couch-bed he currently rested on. The room itself was a mess, old clothes laying scattered on the floor, books lay stacked in various parts of the room, and a small pile of dirty dishes lay in the sink.

Rush sighed and got back on his hooves, nudging aside piles of dirty laundry looking for something suitable enough to wear. Locating a comfortable black hoodie with no noticeable filth, he pulled it over his head and grabbed a tan messenger bag from beside the book shelf, bumping into a pile of books and sending them cascading all over the floor. I'll clean that up later he thought as he entered the small bathroom near the kitchen.

Rush examined himself in the mirror. Two ruby-red eyes stared back at him. Red eyes were unusual for a pony of any kind, but they tended to go unnoticed as they were the exact shade of red as his long mane and tail. Rush also picked up a lot of static for having such a long mane for a young stallion, but Rush didn't care. The color of his eyes, mane, and its length set him apart from other ponies. His mane was ruffled and pretty crazy, so he gave it a quick brushing. His dark gray fur wasn't too messy, so he didn't bother, it would all be windswept anyway as he usually flew to work.

Deciding that his appearance was satisfactory, Rush exited the bathroom, carefully stepped over the litter in his room as he headed for the door. He pulled the door open just enough for him to slip through, then closed and locked it behind him. Rush then proceeded to climb the stairs of his apartment block until he reached a small door leading onto the roof.

Pushing it open Rush blinked in the sunlight as his eyes adjusted from the gloomy dimness of his apartment. Breathing out slowly, he unfurled his wings, the warm light flowing through them. Rush then stretched them out to full length, just as a gust of wind blows through, catching Rush's wings and taking him high into the air. Angling his wings forward he took off like a jet, flying at high speed with short even strokes of his wings. The tips of his wings leaving trails through the air, Rush closed his eyes as the joy of his dream came flooding back, a giant smile appearing on his face.

Rush opened his eyes just in time to see a large furry creature with very wide eyes inches from his face.

CRASH!

Rush was plummeting to the ground, the fear of his dream rushed into him and he panicked. Chest heaving he struggled to flap his wings, but something furry was pinning one down so he couldn't get adequate lift. Turning to see what it was Rush had just enough time to make out a flailing hoof before it smacked him in the face causing him to start tumbling mid air, wincing as flailing limbs battered him from all sides. The furry thing struggled trying to get away, giving Rush a face full of feathers as its wings beat his face.

FWUMP!

Rush gasped as his head burst out of a particularly fluffy cloud. His head throbbed again and he felt dazed as he glanced around. Two messenger bags of the same color lay in a pile in front of him. Beyond them was a light grey pony with a bright blonde mane shaking her head.

Rush started to pull himself out of the cloud when the young mare turned and looked at him. Rush stared, wondering if he was seeing correctly or he was still dazed by the collision, both the pony's eyes were facing in two different directions. Blinking Rush tried to get his eyes to work properly, but apparently they were working just fine, because the pony came up to him and her eyes didn't return to normal.

"Are you okay?" The gray mare asked. Rush shook his head and blinked.

"I'm sorry what?" Rush said in a confused voice, finally coming back to reality and realizing he was half stuck in a cloud.

"I asked if you were okay," the mare said again, some semblance of concern showing in her eyes as Rush drug himself out of the cloud.

"Oh yes, I'm fine," Rush reassured as he shook himself, small cloud particles dislodging from his fur, "Are you?"

She nodded "Yes, I'm used to this sort of thing by now," she said a little embarrassed as she looked down and scuffed a hoof along the cloud, kicking up a small amount of the puffy white substance.

"This happens a lot then?" he said jokingly, but she didn't take it that way, for she glanced up at him, with a bit of hurt and frustration in her eyes.

"I don't know if you noticed, but I really don't have the best eyesight."

"Oh no, I didn't mean it like that," Rush apologized realizing he said the wrong thing, "It was my fault anyway I wasn't watching where I was going. I'm Rush by the way," he said offering her a hoof.

She took it and he pulled her to a standing position, "I'm DerpyHooves." Rush tried to think of what to say next but he couldn't, so he reached over and grabbed her messenger bag off the pile and held it out to her. She took it in her hoof, "Thanks" she said as she slung it over her shoulder.

They stood there for a while longer awkwardly, Derpy scuffing her hoof on the cloud and Rush scratching behind his head.

"Well I better go," She said posing to take off "I have a lot of letters to deliver."

"Where too?" Rush asked hoping to make up for his lack of conversation.

"Dodge Junction, for Bucktober Fest."

"That's far, I suppose you should get going then."

"Yeah, so ... uhm, bye," she waved and then launched into the air with perfect precision, despite her eye condition, and zoomed off into the horizon. Rush watched her fly off for a minute, wondering if he should go after her and try to apologize more, but he shook his head and walked over to where his bag lay on the ground. He picked it up and put it over his shoulder as he took off into the sky, flying in the opposite direction of DerpyHooves.

Rush flew slowly this time, keeping his eyes open at all times. He thought about what just happened as he went, feeling a little awkward and kind of bad about what happened. Why do I have to be so awkward? He scolded himself. I should have tried to apologize again. She probably hates me. Rush didn't know why her opinion mattered so much to him, he just felt it was important. It continued to weigh on his mind as he arrived at his destination. He didn't realize he had arrived until a familiar voice called his name. Looking down Rush smiled as he recognized the cheery looking Brown Stallion waving at him. Rush landed nearby and the brown pony approaching him. It was Rush's friend John Smith. A rather weird name for a pony if there ever was one, but Rush didn't mind. He always told Rush to call him The Doctor. Oddly enough, his Cutie Mark was an hourglass, when Rush asked he just said it was "Timey Wimey Stuff."

"Hello Rush!" he said in his cheery Braytish accent, "Lovely day isn't it?"

"Hello Doctor!" Rush returned, "Nice and breezey today, how've you been?"

"Oh, pretty good, well, not bad, but better than the East Equestria Trading Company," The Doctor said, " They just went out of business, under some rather suspicious circumstances if you ask me, and they need help loading up some boxes and things like that."

"Suspicious circumstances?"

"Yeah! Funny thing, they transferred all of their accounts to their biggest competitor just before they went out."

Rush shrugged, "I dunno, I don't know anything about business so I couldn't say, if anything you would know, but either way we should get started on those boxes, yeah?" Rush took a step forward and found his hoof plunging into a small hole in the cloud, tossing him forward onto the ground and causing him to grunt,

"Have you taken up a second job as a mail carrier?" The Doctor asked.

Rush blinked, "What?"

"Your bag." The Doctor pointed.

Rush looked over his shoulder at his bag, which had opened up when he fell. It was overflowing with letters and packages, and Rush stared at it for a moment before he realized what had happened, "Oh buck!" Rush blurted as he scrambled to his hooves, shoving letters back into the bag, "There's somewhere I gotta go, I'll be back later."

The Doctor look at him surprised, "Where?"

"Long story, but its important! There's a girl involved," Rush exclaimed as he jettisoned into the air.

The Doctor chuckled, "Sounds pretty important alright, well you better hurry then, as I always say..."

Rush saluted and they both spoke at the same time, "ALLONS-Y!" then Rush flew off in the direction he watched the curious gray mare fly off in earlier.

Comments

[Scribblestick]

Review time!

1) You seem to have a decent OC so far, and I liked your intros for Derpy and the Doctor. Granted, I'm almost entirely unfamiliar with Dr. Who and the pony equivalent, so maybe someone who knows about either or both can give you better feedback about that.

2) I thought you crammed a few too many references into the bit with the Doctor. They're fun in small amounts, but annoying past a certain point.

3) The dream scene didn't quite work for me. Since I hadn't made a connection with the character yet, it didn't come off as very suspenseful. Perhaps taking a little more time to build the character during the dream will help.

4) You use Rush's name way too often during the first part. You even used it twice in once sentence: "Rush also picked up a lot of static for having such a long mane for a young stallion, but Rush didn't care." And six consecutive paragraphs start with the name. Use descriptors, like "red-maned pony" or "dark grey" pegasus, or even just the pronouns "he" and "him" to avoid the repetition.

5) Having Derpy launch with perfect precision contradicted the clumsiness you established for her. I'm not really sure what that's supposed to mean, anyway.

I think that's it for now. Hope it helps!

[TaliZorah]

Dear Author,

Things this fic has going for it:
-Since the (I'm assuming your) OC is grey, I can't exactly fit this in with the Black and Red OC stereotype. But it's close.
-Name is Rush. I expect to see some references to this:
3.bp.blogspot.com/_u7LnAXyVfww/TD-Aq8Aac0I/AAAAAAAAAS0/k_hfJcaL6yo/s1600/rush.jpg
-Grammar, spelling, punctuation... No mistakes really popped out at me. Might be a few, but I must've missed them. A few missed commas here and there, but nothing too big.

Things this fic has going against it:
-I'm assuming this isn't a fic about the adventures of Geddy Lee, Neil Peart, and Alex Lifeson.
-

Red eyes were unusual for a pony of any kind...

The color of his eyes, mane, and its length set him apart from other ponies.

The main thing most people hate about OCs is that the author will usually try to make them stand out, more often than not in a way that makes the character seem "Mary Sue". Other than his appearance, he doesn't seem to be a Gary Stu so far. Try to keep it that way.
-One last problem: it's bland. This fic leaves a taste in my mouth not too different from swallowing 2 or 3 aspirin. Use some more descriptive verbs and adjectives and put a bit more work into personifying the characters.

Well, there you go. Hope my advice helps you and your fic. Hopefully you can save it from joining the ranks of the eternally damned fics.

Love,
Stark.

[TaliZorah]

1222637

Damnit, you beat me.

[Scribblestick]

1222656 Well, you caught things I didn't, so it all works out in the end.

[RushThePony]

Well thanks for your answers, I'm not at all surprised that it needs more work, its really the first story/fic of any sorts that I've actually finished. The fac that some people took some itme to read to critique my work is amazing to me. I was a little rushed (heh) in getting this one out due to my friends pressuring me, but I'll have some more time with my subsequent chapters, and all your recommendations will be taken into account. There will be no Rush references, that is something I avoided because I knew some people might comment about it. Rush was chosen by my friend due to its similarity to my real name (Ross). I appreciate some good constructive criticism, so I'm satisfied with what I've done.