• Published 3rd Sep 2012
  • 7,831 Views, 274 Comments

Genealogy - (or the Mating Habits of Nocturnes Pegasi) - Georg

A trip to Ponyville turns into adventures in fashion, love, and romance that unfold like a kick to the head with the two most hapless Night Pegasi ever to work for Princess Luna.

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Chap. 6 - The Afterlife

Genealogy - (or The Mating Habits of Nocturnes Pegasi)
The Afterlife

Pumpernickel was dying. If there was one thing he was quite positive of in his entire life, this was it. He had read several books that described the floating feeling, the flutter of nearby wings, the light up ahead, and the sound of heavenly music. If he had really thought about it when reading the books, he may have wondered just how an author would know so much about dying but still manage to return and write a book. And why the music sounded like birds.

“I think he’s coming around.”

Yes, his wounds had most definitely been fatal. The Academy had been very detailed about the effects of lightning on Royal Guard armor. Although the armor and its enchantments protected well against most other forms of kinetic and energy attacks, lightning just flowed through it like… well, lightning. At least he did not have a great number of possessions that would need to be distributed among his surviving relatives. His expensive fishing stick had been his highest priced possession, but after what that timid yellow pegasus did to it, his family could give a piece to each and every relative he ever had, with a few dozen pieces left over.

“Yeah, I saw him twitch. Get up you lazy, tin-plated turkey.”

Laminia must have died too. Wearing steel shoes around a lightning bolt could ground the bolt in many fatal ways. He felt a little disappointed at his treatment so far. There had always been a forlorn hope in his mind that either Luna or the Pale Pony of Death would escort him to Elysian Fields when he died. Now it seemed he had gone to the Other Place, and had missed both of them. Typical.

“Can somepony hold him up just a bit please? He has a nasty burn around this leg, and I want to make sure the bandage is nice and tight. But not too tight. I don’t want him in pain.”

Maybe Luna had taken mercy on him after all. That angelic voice could only be from the Good Place. Somehow it was familiar, in a musical sort of way, all delicate, soft, and belonging to the pony who was gently wrapping his hind leg in what seemed to be a long soft bandage with the most careful of touches. Perhaps bandages were all that was worn in Elysian Fields. He could feel the breeze blowing across his naked coat where his armor normally rested. At least he would not be completely naked, the family Book of Tradition had a drawing where all of the ponies wore shining white robes and halos, although now that he thought about it, the artist had to have been guessing.

“There you go. You can get up now, Mister Pumpernickel. Rise and shine. Angel Bunny! No!” A faint wetness trickled down one leg, and a fuzzy ball of fur used his bare flank as a springboard to make his escape. Pumpernickel rolled to his chest, sticking his muzzle into the ground and taking a deep breath of the rain-damp, rich-smelling grass. Elysian Fields. Most definitely, robes or no robes.

He opened his eyes. No, it was the Other Place. All he could see was a soft buttery-yellow coat and a pair of teal-colored eyes. Big eyes. Only they were not filled with disappointment and anger, now they seemed to radiate kindness and sympathy. They were eyes he could stare into for a very, very long—

“Hey Pumpernickel! Get up and stop loafing on the job, I need to get back to the library and lie down.” Laminia wandered into his field of view and tapped him not-so gently on top of his bare head. “Hello? You in there?” She waved a hoof in front of his face and shrugged. “Good thing Princess Celestia taught me how to reset the guards when they get this way.”

“I’m up!” Pumpernickel blinked and stumbled to his hooves, feeling almost as if he were going to blow away in the slightest breeze. All of his armor including his tinted goggles had been efficiently stripped from him and was piled nearby in the grass. A back part of his mind unconsciously inventoried the armor’s numerous bubbled streaks where the lightning had left signs of its passing and far too many charred marks that showed the scattered areas where he used to have more mane. Even swishing his tail felt different, due to the lightning-induced trim that left the shortened ends a stubby ball of frizzled hair.

“Oh, thank goodness!” The delicate little yellow pegasus that he had last seen hopping up and down on his expensive fishing stick fluttered up and laid a careful hoof on his forehead. “I was starting to worry. I’ve never treated somepony with electrical burns before. Are you going to be okay? Do you have anyplace that hurts where we didn’t bandage?”

It hurt to stand, but Pumpernickel gave up trying to figure out which of his hooves felt less-burned than others and blushed at being naked in front of the two mares. His internal inventory of painful places had only one place with pain that did not also have a bandage wrapped around it, and that one place was very private to him.

That’s one injury that stays unbandaged for now.

A quick glance around the grassy damp meadow showed not only had the entire weather team stayed with him, but somehow even more mares from the vicinity had showed up too. Having a Royal Guard struck by lightning must have been one of the most interesting things to happen in this town for—well, since the last town-destroying disaster rolled through. Maybe a week?

“No, I’m fine!” He blushed and looked away from those dangerous blue eyes that seemed to see the inner depths of his soul. “I’m afraid we did not get officially introduced. Thank you for helping. I’m Pumpernickel.”

The buttery-yellow pegasus blushed and looked away. “I’m…” Her voice trailed off into a quiet squeak.

“She’s Fluttershy,” said Laminia loudly. “Bearer of the Element of Kindness, and friend to all woodland creatures. Including innocent little fishies.”

“I’m sorry,” said Pumpernickel reflexively. “I really didn’t know, and I promise I’ll never do it again.”

The shy yellow pegasus peeked back at him and was about to speak when Laminia cut in. “Hey, where did Raindrops go?”

“She went to take her hot cousin’s shoes back to the hospital and get checked out for a few minor scorch marks,” said Cloud Kicker, nudging a little closer and looking the Night Pegasus Guard over with a calculating eye. “I volunteered to fly them back for her, but she said no. You don’t say ‘no’, do you big fellow?” The purple pegasus coyly blinked her eyes at him.

“Yes. I mean No. I mean—”

“He means, ‘Please help carry my armor back to the library, I feel like I need to lie down for a while,’ doesn’t he?” Laminia glared at her reluctant guard. “He’s just been lightly toasted, he doesn’t need a blonde bit of cloud candy. He need to go… lie… down.” Each pause was emphasised by a sharp poke in the ribs. She must have been feeling better, because she avoided poking him in the bandages.

“Oh!” Pumpernickel scooped up his helmet and tinted goggles from the grass and put them on, very carefully. “No, I can get it myself. I’m… oh, now that won’t fit.” He fumbled with the neck brace, unable to fit it over the bandages, and looked at the rest of the armor. Shinguards, breast-and-back, pauldrons; they all covered areas that now had extra padding in the form of bandages. “I suppose I could use a little help flying this back to town.”

The weather team and Laminia scooped up Pumpernickel’s gear, each pegasus picking up one piece of armor. It took a bit of juggling for them to get their awkward loads airborne, and he decided to fly behind the gaggle of mares to make sure nothing dropped on an unwary citizen on the way back into town. After all, it was a quiet, peaceful day now that the screaming and fighting was all over, and the cool morning air felt good over his bruised and battered body. Despite the burns, it felt good to be alive. He had just gotten settled into a solid flying rhythm when Laminia called back over her shoulder.

“What are you doing back there, pokey?”

“Admiring the fantastic scenery,” he replied absently, as the damp grassy green hills of the beautiful Ponyville valley flowed past. He always enjoyed flying after a rainstorm, feeling the soft damp air against his face and the faint smell of ozone brought back memories of his early years when he had first started flying. His sisters would take him out after a good rain to playfully buck apart the small scudding clouds that remained in the city’s night sky, or to jump on them and surprise some late-night traveler through the Canterlot streets with a sudden shower. All that had changed when he was fitted for his first set of shoes. It was just too dangerous to buck clouds with steel-grounded hooves, as his recent experience most painfully demonstrated.

“Just a minute.” Laminia led the armor-carrying mares to a soft landing on a nearby hill on the outskirts of town, and Pumpernickel landed cautiously next to them. “I just wanted to check something before we went any farther. Your head didn’t get hurt by the lightning, right?”

“I don’t think so. No burns at least, and the helmet is still intact.” Pumpernickel took the helmet off to examine it, turning it over several times and checking the protective runes before strapping it back on carefully. It felt a little weird to only wear one piece of armor, but it still let him feel like a Night Guard. “Nope, it’s just fine.”

“And that yellow, bloodthirsty bint didn’t hit you in the head, did she?” Laminia stood still, tapping one hoof.

“No,” he said coldly. “And don’t call her a—”

Laminia whirled in place and put both rear hooves upside his head with a noise much like a large bell being rung by a sledgehammer.

As he picked himself up out of the grass, he shouted, “What was that for!”

“For calling my flank scenery! I wondered what you were doing behind me when you were following me around on our flying lessons! And now I know!”

“I wasn’t talking about your flank,” yelled Pumpernickel. “I was talking about scenery! It’s beautiful out here with all the green trees and the damp hills! In Canterlot, all I saw all night was buildings.”

“Oh.” Laminia’s ears drooped and she turned away with a scowl. “I’m sorry. It must be a real inconvenience to you, with all your training to have to follow me around.”

He shrugged painfully and scowled back. “It’s my assigned duty. Besides, it’s not all that bad following you around, looking up your—”

This time she managed to whirl around and plant both hind hooves upside his helmet before his stunned reflexes could do more than blink. The burst of sparks in his vision from the enchantments activating made him grateful there had at least been no damage to the steel container around his head, but the contents were feeling a little scrambled. His rump fell into the grass almost exactly where it had landed last time, only this time he decided to stay there for a bit until she calmed down and the bells quit ringing in his head. And then maybe just a little longer.

“Nice shot,” said Rainbow Dash.

Laminia spluttered, “Well, he deserved it!”

“Oh yeah,” Rainbow hopped up into the air and hovered. “You can tell he doesn’t get out much, that pickup line really stunk. Hey Pumpernickel, would you like to go out partying with my weather team tonight? We can hit a few bars, and maybe Cloud Kicker can teach you the right way to pick up mares.”

Pumpernickel took a moment to evaluate Laminia’s pensive stance and the range she had gotten from him before responding. “No kicks to the head?”

“Nope. Not unless you upset Ditzy, and then we’ll just tap you real gentle, if that’s what you like.”

“Sounds sane enough for a change,” he groaned as he got up, completely missing the sudden glare from Laminia. “What time are we go—”


He woke to the cold rain of a small cloud being wrung out over his head by the weather team, with Laminia nowhere in sight. “You know,” said Rainbow Dash as soon as he opened his eyes. “I think she likes you a little.”

“A little?” He gingerly prodded his head to make sure all his parts were still attached. “I hope it doesn’t get any worse. The armory doesn’t make these helms any thicker.

* * *

Source: The Unseen

“Daddy! Daddy!” A cascade of tiny hooves came clattering through the bedroom door and five little fillies flung themselves on Pumpernickel like he was a trampoline. “Wake up! Wake up! Luna’s got the moon up and you should be up too!” The Night Pegasus guard staggered awake under the tiny assault group and laughed. They were just such cute little fillies, his own Night Pegasi invasion force, taking Canterlot by storm. He had gotten used to their little multi-colored eyes, even if they were not very Traditional for Night Pegasi, and loved each and every one of their little trouble-making hooves.

“About time you got up, husband of mine.” Laminia stood in the bedroom doorway, smiling at the way the little fillies were holding down their father. “I’ve got some very good news.”

He smiled at his beautiful wife, “As if anything could make me happier.”

She passed one hoof across her round belly and smiled at him. “We’re going to have some new baby brothers and sisters for our little family. And you know what that means?”

“We all love Daddy!” shouted the little fillies, jumping on top of Pumpernickel and holding him down.

“Wow, you little ones have gotten really strong. What has your mother been feeding you?”

“Fish! Fish! Fish!” they chanted. “We love fish! We love Daddy!”

“W-wait. What?” Pumpernickel struggled hopelessly under the grip of the tiny fillies, each of which had bared their sharp, white teeth and began to drool.

“Now that we have a second set of children on the way,” said Laminia, baring her own teeth and moving to Pumpernickel’s foreleg, “we don’t need a Daddy any more. Dig in kids.” Laminia brought her jaws down on his foreleg, severing it cleanly. He screamed in pain as the rest of the little fillies bit down on various parts of his body and ripped out bloody goblets of flesh. Blood spurted in all directions to a thumping noise as his heart pumped out the last few spurts—

*Thump* *thump* *thump*


Credit : The Unseen.