Chap. 10 - The Best Laid Plans
Genealogy - (or The Mating Habits of Nocturnes Pegasi)
The Best Laid Plans
It was just a bush. An ordinary leafy green bush sitting out in the moonlight. Nothing out of the ordinary at all.
If bushes grew in the middle of the road.
“DT, this will never work!” Silver Spoon panted as the grey ‘egg’ shifted on her back and her skin crawled at its alien presence. It felt unusually warm, and smelled a little funny. She was terrified the Evil Spawn would break out from its rubbery skin before they got it back into the nest in the library. When it hatched, it would most certainly be hungry and begin to feed upon the nearest sweet, tender flesh of the living.
“Oh, stop your whining. It’s a brilliant plan.” The bush suddenly exhibited an un-bushlike behavior by raising up on eight tiny hooves and scurrying across the road, lining up carefully next to the library with the rest of its fellow bushes.
“Okay, now all we need to do is wait for the signal.”
“I still don’t see why those three blank flanks can’t do this instead of us.” A tiny grey filly head with glasses poked out of the top of the bush, looking at the two fierce purple-clad guards in front of the library. Silver Spoon ducked back into the bush and whined, “They’re still there!”
“Oh, relax. They’ll hear you. Now help me with my disguise. I think my wings are sliding off.” Diamond Tiara wriggled the grey jogging suit she was wearing around and tried to tighten up the cord holding a pair of cardboard wings on her back. Silver Spoon was spared the indignity of wearing a sweatsuit due to her beautiful grey coat, and her own cardboard wings were tied very securely. Perhaps a little too secure. “There,” she gasped. “Nice and tight.”
“Just in time.” The fluttering of wings passed overhead and something seemed to be happening on the other side of the library. Diamond Tiara smirked and elbowed her friend. “Now when the guards go running off to see what’s going on, we sneak in, slip the egg back into the nest, and run like heck. If we get separated, we meet up behind Rarity’s and stuff our disguises in her trash can so those three pests get the blame. It’s a perfect plan. Nothing can go wrong.”
---
Fate played chess with Destiny. Normal mortals played a game they called chess, but it compared to Fate’s game much like a candle can be compared to the sun. Several wealthy or noble ponies had giant chessboards in their gardens with life-sized pieces for entertainment; Fate preferred to play with larger-than-life pieces, preferably nobles with giant chessboards in their gardens. Their games tended to blur together; Destiny was a strong but fickle opponent with a powerful ground game and grand long-reaching strategy, but Fate had an unpredictable streak that tended to make Destiny throw the board and scatter the pieces in frustration.
“...Nothing can go wrong.”
Both immortal entities turned their attentions to a remote corner of their board in contemplation.
“Again? Is that one of your pieces this time?” asked Destiny.
“No,” said Fate with a frown. “Would you terribly mind if I were to...” She paused over the board and glanced back at her opponent.
“Go ahead. They tempted you after all.”
“Thanks, I owe you one.” Fate reached down and made a minor change to a piece before sitting back with Destiny to watch the fireworks.
“Much better,” said Destiny. “Care for some popcorn?”
----
An occupied Royal Chariot being pulled by two Nocturne descended in front of the Carousel Boutique, with four Night Guard pegasi in close attendance. Princess Luna’s unannounced arrival in Ponyville was being accomplished with slightly more fanfare than her last trip, with the forlorn hope that this would be an uneventful trip.
As the Princess vanished into the Carousel Boutique, one Night Guard visited the library to retrieve the Princess’s Hoofmaiden, returning to the boutique with her obediently trotting along behind. The rapid grey dash of a small pair of Night Pegasi foals into the library door behind them went totally unnoticed by mortal eyes.
---
“Miss Sparkle, please! It’s not necessary -ouch- for you to -ow- do this.”
Twilight Sparkle had taken it upon herself to change the bandages on the wounded Royal Guard this evening, although it would be more accurate to say ‘drafted Pumpernickel into being an involuntary anatomy lesson tentatively entitled — Comparative Anatomy of the Night Pegasus and Their Healing Response to Electrical Stimuli Under Laboratory Conditions.’ Upon his unsuspecting emergence from his library sleeping quarters, he had been rather solidly ambushed by the scientifically oriented unicorn who had no idea why anypony would not wish to participate in her scheme. After all, it was for science.
After many uncomfortable minutes with her checklists, bandages, splints (just in case a sprain were to show up), burn ointment, and a copy of Brady Books: Emergency Care, she carefully wrapped a last bandage around the Night Guard’s foreleg while turning the page.
“...making sure not to cut off blood circulation in the affected limb. Okay, I got it. Now just let me tie a knot in the bandage and — Perfect! There we go, all nice and neat, just like the book says.”
“Did the book say to tie my legs together?”
“Oops. Here, let me get that.” Twilight busied herself with the bandages while holding the book in front of her face and flipping pages back and forth. “I just don’t know what I did wrong. I did this… then this… and around here. How’s that?”
“Mmmumph!” Pumpernickel glared from behind the array of white bandages around his muzzle.
“Oops. I got it now, don’t worry.” This time Twilight unwound the the bandages rapidly, and as she very carefully wrapped them back up, she murmured, “The rabbit goes around the tree, and into the hole...”
As she worked, Pumpernickel plotted his escape. He had neither wish nor desire to remain in the small town, despite yesterday’s confusing bedtime antics from Laminia. She had shown her true feelings upon being awakened by Princess Luna’s security detail by wordlessly leaving the library storeroom and walking over to the boutique, where she was still sequestered with the Princess at the moment. He still had three days leave to spend with his family, and the farther from her, the better for the both of them. Twilight Sparkle had performed quite well bandaging up his rapidly-healing physical wounds, but his heart still felt shattered, and the farther he could get from here, the better. For Laminia too.
He mustered his courage and masked his emotions again, trying not to show the turmoil that churned in his gut. He forced them away, still feeling horribly naked without his real armor, and once again drew upon his sense of duty to shield his heart. It felt tissue-thin against the world, but it would have to do for the next three days until he could return to work and once again conceal it behind enchanted steel.
“Thank you, Twilight Sparkle. I’m afraid I must take my leave of you now and return to Canterlot. I wish you luck with our Books of Tradition, and please pass my regrets to your houseguest.”
“Wait!” Twilight gave a worried look to the rather full-looking library. “Could I get you to help? I mean, two hundred and thirty five chests full of thousand year-old documents. It’s an archivist’s dream job, but...” She shrugged. “I don’t know where to start, or how to organize them. I’m certain the families will want them back fairly soon, but even if I only took a week on each Book, that would still take over four years! Since you still have three days leave, could you stay around until then? Please?”
Pumpernickel carefully flexed, to make sure his bandages were going to stay attached on the long flight back to Canterlot. “I would be happy to stay and help, Twilight Sparkle, on one condition.” She found herself meeting his intense golden gaze. “Tell me how you know I still have three days leave left.”
“I-I... Um. Overheard. Your Commander?”
“You used a spell to eavesdrop on me when I was ordered on leave, didn’t you?”
She looked down and scuffed one hoof against the wood floor. “Yes.”
“Good. It was nice to know you cared about at least one of us. Goodby, Twilight Sparkle.”
He carefully brushed a fleck of lint off the majestic, deep-purple uniform on the dressmaker’s dummy still outside his former room and gave it a nod of approval before heading down the stairs.
He had hoped to make his escape from the town while Princess Luna was still visiting the boutique, but his timing was atrocious, as usual, as he nearly ran headlong into Laminia on the library doorstep while he was leaving. They made awkward little shuffling motions with their hooves while trying to get past each other, first left, then right, before Luna’s strong voice behind Laminia blasted, “Optio Pumpernickel, you are out of uniform.”
Pumpernickel bowed into the position of respect, trying not to get his bandages dirty. “Princess Luna, I am off duty.”
The Royal Princess sniffed. “Very well then. I understand my Royal Hoofmaiden has a prospective design in the library which will help differentiate between the common ponies and members of my Royal Guard while they are off duty. I will see it now, and I will speak with you later tonight.”
“If you all will walk this way please, Your Highness.” Laminia turned her back on Pumpernickel coldly and strode past him into the library with only a light flick of her tail against his bare side, and then she was gone.
Pumpernickel gave a sigh at the briefness of his escape attempt, and looked for a resting spot around the open area surrounding the library. ‘Later’ from a Princess to a Royal Guard was easily translated into ‘Stand around here and wait, don’t go anywhere.’ There was also a subtext that meant ‘And not right where you are standing now, go stand over there somewhere and try to stay out of the way.’ There was really an art to translating Princess to Guard, but fortunately for the less artfully inclined, a short unofficial Guard manual on the subject had been worked up and was passed from hoof to hoof with the understanding that the contents were never to be released to anypony not actually in the Royal Guard.(*)
With that in mind, he decided to loiter near the companionship of his own kind; the two Night Pegasi who had been pulling Princess Luna’s chariot and were still parked on the library lawn.
He really did not expect a response because the still-harnessed Night Guard were supposed to be ready for immediate takeoff and ignoring interruptions, especially when their charge was so close. However, one of the older drivers gave him an inquisitive glance as he stopped nearby.
“Hey. Lumpy, right?”
“Yeah.” Pumpernickel had quit even frowning at the hated nickname, he just rolled his eyes and sighed.
“Look. Kid. Don’t get me wrong or anything.” The driver looked around and lowered his voice. “Uncle Slipstream is a jerk.”
“Really?” The word fairly dripped with sarcasm, and the driver flinched.
“No, I mean it. Lamby was part of my extended family before she left for the Pins. She was a pretty pathetic kid as I remember, but that’s no excuse for Slipshod to ride all over her face like I heard he was doing last night.”
“Yeah?” A flicker of interest stirred in his heart. He carefully tucked it to one side so it would not get crushed. “Fat lot of good it did her. None of her family stood up for her one tiny bit.”
“Yeah. I know. I wish I had been here. She’s got a real talent for pissing ponies off. My name’s Sunny Meadows, by the way.”
“Pumpernickel. But you knew that.”
“Yeah. Look, kid. I just wanted you to know that not everypony blames you for… that Luna thing.”
“Strange thing to call Treason,” he said bitterly. “I convince all of the clan heads to betray our oaths to Princess Celestia for the first time in a thousand years, and everypony treats me like I stole a cookie.”
“It was a very tasty cookie,” put in Sunny Meadows. “And offering to swear loyalty to Princess Luna seemed to snap her out of depression better than anything we could come up with. If you had really done anything seriously wrong, she wouldn’t have promoted you a few days ago, right?”
Pumpernickel was grateful that the cool night hid his embarrassed blush. “I don’t know why you’re even talking to me, my own family treats me like...” He thought back for a moment. “Actually, when I was home, they treated me fairly well.”
“Well, of course. You’re family. We stick together no matter what.” Sunny nodded towards the library and snorted. “Even her. Heck, for a while there our family had just about torn itself apart, but after she left, we managed to start putting things back together.”
“Yeah, she has a way of ripping things up.”
“Oh, not that. We did most of it all by ourselves. Still, she had a pretty impressive part near the end. In the middle of our biggest family argument, she decided to go off and flaunt our family Traditions so dramatically, I think even Luna must have heard about it from the moon. It made Slipstream and the rest of his ilk bound and determined to get Lamby removed from the family, but we fought them tooth and hoof all the way. When that letter from the Pins showed up asking to adopt her, I thought they were going to pop a seam. Everything flipped tail over crop at that point. We were in favor of her leaving, and they went from trying to kick her out to refusing to let her go in the blink of an eye.” Sunny Meadows hacked and spit to one side. “Tradition! Phooey. Wouldn’t bug me a bit if somepony threw a match in that library and the whole place went up.”
Pumpernickel wanted to object, to say just what positive experiences with the Book of Tradition had shaped his life. It was probably not a good idea. He contented himself with a knowing masculine grunt and staring at the upper library windows.
Even though his angle was poor, he could see two dark shapes at the top of the library staircase. Laminia would be showing the Princess her work on the Night Guard uniform, there would be an examination, she would probably accept the design after demanding certain changes. At least smoke had not billowed out from the boutique after Luna’s examination there, so she was finding some positive attributes to their designs. His introspection came to an abrupt end as several pegasi Night Guards trotted out the front door of the library and took to the starlit sky, darting away at high speed and fanning out, while Twilight Sparkle and her dragon were sent to wait nervously outside the front door.
“Trouble?” Pumpernickel tensed somewhat, but there did not seem to be any immediate threat. Both Luna and Laminia remained at the top of the staircase from what he could see through the window. It was like they had chased out everypony from the library except....
“Category Four(2),” he said with forced calm to the chariot drivers. “Kick out of harness and position yourselves at the front door with the Element of Magic. Expect a couple of earth ponies fillies to try running out at high speed, but do NOT hurt them. Consider that an order, by the way. Princess Luna will have your hide if they’re harmed. They’re just little fillies.”
“As you command, Optio.” The Night Guards had already shucked out of their harness and trotted at Pumpernickel’s side as they approached the library front door. “So what’s happening?”
“Operation Just Deserts is about to start, I think. Try to keep a straight face, and don’t laugh.”
—-
There were four things the two little fillies in the library should have known to save themselves a great deal of embarrassment: The library storeroom door was actually quite thin, Twilight Sparkle had let the sound-muffling spell on it expire once the sun had set, and Princess Luna had both exceptional hearing and a prankster sense of humor.(3) It probably would have helped if they did not think Night Pegasi were born from eggs too, but then they never would have been in this situation anyway.
“Oh heavens,” gasped Diamond Tiara. “They’re coming up the stairs!”
She closed the door to the library storeroom as quietly as she could and trembled in the inky blackness with her friend and that damnable egg. She had been certain they could sneak into the library, up the stairs and slip the egg back into the creature’s nest before they got back, the giant collection of chests scattered around the library had provided almost perfect cover for her and Silver Spoon. Big ponies almost never saw little fillies, and their disguises as little Night Pegasi monsters were perfect, or at least as good as it got in the night. A cold shudder went up her spine despite the warm grey tracksuit she was wearing; who knew what horrible things lurked in those chests?
“We’re doomed,” moaned Silver Spoon as she huddled next to her best friend in the darkness, awaiting their imminent deaths. “The Evil Spawn are going to catch us in here and eat us and feed us to their babies and suck out our brains!”
“Keep your voice down! And stay calm! You’ve got to stay calm! We can’t panic!”
“I’m already panicking! Why can’t we panic?”
“Because!” Diamond Tiara groped around in the darkness. “You still have the egg?”
“Yeah. It smells funny and feels a little soft, like it’s hatching. What are we going to do if it hatches? It’ll eat us up!”
“Maybe we can use it as a hostage?”
“Diamond Tiara!” gasped Silver Spoon. “It’s a baby! How could you!”
“Well, its a baby one of whatever those bat-winged things are that guard the Princess... Yeah, right. I suppose, it’s still a baby.”
“Shhh!! They’re right outside the door by that funny-looking suit.”
“Maybe they’ll go away if we’re really quiet.”
“Then shut up!”
“No, you shut up!”
* * *
The library stairs creaked only slightly as Pumpernickel climbed up to the storeroom. Outside the door and close to the stairs, Princess Luna and Laminia stood with their heads very close together, whispering and giggling as if they were his sisters, trying to keep a secret. Laminia’s eyes glittered maliciously in the library lights as she motioned Pumpernickel over and whispered.
“We think Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are both in there with our little ‘egg.’ We’re just trying to figure out what to do next. I thought I should kick in the door and scream at them.”
Luna whispered, “Nay, ‘tis too simple a scheme. Casting an illusion into the room of eggs breaking open and creatures emerging to devour the little bullies would be far more satisfactory. I have sent for the little ones who have been maltreated by these fiends so they may witness the downfall and abrupt panic-stricken emergence of their tormentors.“
“We could just leave and let them escape, but that won’t teach the little monsters a lesson. Or I could just lay in front of the door and scream like I’m being devoured by cannibal ponies, that seems to do it for me lately,” muttered Pumpernickel with a resentful glance at Luna. “Whatever we do, they’re going to be in therapy for months. I can hear them whimper from here.”
“No. Lumpy’s right for once,” said Laminia abruptly with a worried frown and a sudden reversal in her jubilant attitude. “They may be bullies, but they’re little fillies who are just going to be crushed by all this. Even if we just open the door and explain the situation to them quietly, they’re going to have to live with the humiliation hanging over them for the rest of their lives. Therapy will be the least of their worries.”
Luna frowned and sighed in regret, her eyes still lit with memory of pranks done centuries ago. “Verily, ‘tis regretfully true. The situation is much as that mellon you hath pawned off on the little fiends; it doth look one way on the surface, but be substantially different beneath the skin. ‘Twill be an excellent jest ‘gainst one of the overstuffed poltroons who doth infest our court, but against mere foals, even as nasty as you said, ‘twould be more cruel than humorous for the damage it would do.”
“I wish there were some way we could make them look like idiots and heroes at the same time,” whispered Pumpernickel.
All three of them remained silent for several minutes, listening to the fierce whispered conversation behind the storeroom door before Laminia looked up with a grin. “I’ve got it.”
(*) Of course Princess Celestia had a copy(1), and kept it updated every year as new translations became available. She was particularly proud of her contribution to the definition for ‘In a moment’, as it now contained three different situational variants and encompassed nearly two hundred and forty words.
(1) Princess Luna had a copy too, but some of the definitions had minor changes that radically changed their meanings in a humorous (according to Celestia) manner.
(2) Category Four indicated a security breach where non-lethal force was necessitated. The Guard scale went from Category Zero (Lethal force authorized and preferred) down to Category Eight (Small child with stick attempting to make Guard on duty react. Don’t move or you buy beer for the whole shift.)
(3) Princess Celestia had explained Luna’s sense of practical joking to Twilight once as “Think of Rainbow Dash, immortal, with centuries to learn new tricks, and the resources of an entire kingdom. Now throw in a thousand years of boredom.” It took her a full hour to coax her student out from under the throne and she still shuddered whenever she went past a joke shop in Canterlot.
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Glad that they rethought a bit just how badly they were going to scare Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara. And fun as it can be to see them get some just desserts, they are just foals after all.
Those categories are wonderful, I'd love to know about the rest.
I see that you've decided to go down the Discworld route with the various humorous footnotes. Now I'm going to have to wait to find out what prank has been born in Laminia's mind. Whatever it is, I'm sure Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon will never, ever realise that they've been played.
Oh, and a side-note: I loved Luna's description of some of the waste-of-hides that hang around the Night Court, doubtless begging for favours.
Why didn't Pumpernickel just leave through the library balcony?
1434120 Given Pumpernickel's ability to make correct decisions, if there were *50* exits from the library, he would have run into Laminia no matter which one he took.
With that said, when a "Real" security team has a subject in a relatively open area like a library, first thing that happens is they lock up any outside entries, so in all probability the balcony, and all the windows have been locked. (During Presidential visits, they actually *weld* closed all kinds of possible entry/exit points)
Oh, this is going to be good. A prank for the ages, I can feel it.
Hopefully it'll get Laminia and Pumpernickel a little closer too.
This is a great story, but it's twice as good because of the depth and quality of the setting. From secondary characters to the culture of the Nocturne and even the Guard, there's just so much material for the main characters to play with. It's almost as if they're an afterthought - they spring so organically from the world; they're not separate from it at all. Fine, fine craftsmanship here.
I loved that little interlude of Destiny and Fate.
Eheheh, those "categories".
Those guards won't move an inch, will they? Either that, or they'll find the snuggling Nocturne couple right where they want to re-place the 'egg'
Pff. Rather directly invoking The Great Pratchett there, are you?
Meaning, Luna saw them?
Hey, now. Don't involve Twilight's poor tree into your Nocturnal bickering
Don't you mean "desserts"?
Remarks and corrections:
> Goodby, Twilight Sparkle.
"Goodbye"
> a small pair of Night Pegasi foals
Night Pegasus foals
I liked the bit with Fate and Destiny playing chess.
Melon. Mellon is the Sindarin Elvish word for "friend," so it's good to sneak it into Ponyville, anyway.
I have to wonder about whatever that first aid manual is saying to cause her to tie a bowline rather than a reef knot, (tying bandages is one of the few things a reef knot is actually good for).