Explanations and Breakdowns
So many emotions were spiraling in Sunset right now, so many that she didn't know which ones to express first.
Gratitude: for no longer being alone.
Confusion: as to how she has a real family in this world.
Fear: That this whole thing was a dream that she would wake from and be all alone again.
But she decided to choose the emotion she felt was the most powerful, Happiness: for having the one thing she always wanted, a true family.
They all had gathered in the family room and her father had changed into some more casual clothes and her mom went up stairs for a moment. While they waited for the Shine matriarch to return, Sunset (Or Sunray as her family called her), was introduced to the Family pet, Fang. A German- Shepherd who apparently was her Father's partner. When Sunset asked how long he's been with them, they said Fang joined the family a couple of months back. Fang immediately took a liking to Sunset, and Sunset practically adored Fang.
Soon Golden came back with a box with the words 'Sunray's Things' on the front. Golden then in between her Husband and elder daughter and passed the box to her, "Open it Sweetie." Sunset then did as she said and looked in the box and her eyes widened at what she saw.
Inside were all of her things since she was four, the first thing she saw was a Phoenix plushie, and she immediately pulled it out. "Flary! Oh it's so good to see you again!" She squealed and hugged her favorite toy as her family laughed and cooed at the scene.
"You loved that little guy more than I like to admit." Flame said smiling at the scene.
"Flary was the first birthday present we got you and you loved him dearly." Golden added as Sunset looked at her before looking back at Flary and giving him another hug, before she turned back to the box there she saw an old dried up flower and held it up.
"That when you I went for a walk in Canterlot park," Golden explained, "You were only three when we passed by a flower garden and you decided to pick the flower and give it to me saying, 'A pwetty Fower for a pwetty Mommy.'"
Sunset blushed heavily and shouted, "MOM!" Everyone laughed at Sunset as she buried her face in her hands, her face beetroot red in embarrassment.
once everyone had calmed down Sunset went back into the box and found a brightly painted little kid drawing of her, her parents and Helios standing outside their house looking happy, "Wow." She simply said.
"It was a beautiful painting, Sunny," Golden said before she frowned,, "You made that the day we lost you." Immediately sad looks came to Golden, Flame and Helios faces as that particular memory came to the surface.
Sunset immediately picked this up and was almost afraid to ask, "Whoa, I was so little, what happened to me?" There it was. The question that would undoubtedly have been brought up.
Flame then looked down in Guilt, "It was all my fault. I turned my back for a minute and..." he trailed off.
"Oh no, not this song again." Helios said as he and Honey sat on the couch with their sister and parents with Helios sitting next to his dad and Honey next to Sunset.
"It wasn't your fault dear." Golden reassured her husband, rubbing his back as he sighed. "You, Helios and your father went to the park while I was at one of my rehearsals," She told Sunset as her daughter listened intently.
"When we got there, we played tag, went on the swings, had ice cream. Heh, it was day I knew I never forget," Helios said smiling sadly, "After that we decided to play hide and seek, dad found me first so then he and I tried to find you but we couldn't find you anywhere." Sunset then understood that this was when she accidently discovered that portal to Equestria and fell through, thus making her family believe she just disappeared.
"For a while they were afraid that you were kidnapped," Honey explained as Sunset continued to listen. "Daddy did everything he could, he had the police search for you for weeks, turned over every rock and building in the city."
"Finally by the beginning of fall, I had to assume that whoever took you..." Flame trailed as he struggled to say the last part.
"We thought, we thought they killed you." Golden choked up a little, but her smile soon returned, "But now I see that you weren't kidnapped or killed."
"Which brings us to our own question," Helios, "What did happen to you?" Sunset shifted her eyes slightly wondering if they actually would believe her, 'Well they told me the truth, Might as well do the same' She thought as she took a deep breath and turned to her family, "Well, do you believe in magic?"
After half an hour Sunset finished telling them what happened to her after she went missing, and their expressions were pretty much as she guessed. Helios stared at her slack-jawed, Golden held her hand over mouth in shock, Flame crossed his arms and looked at her with disbelief but it was Honey out of all them that had taken her back. Her eyes were shimmering and she had a wide smile on her face, before she made a big squeal as she rushed to her big sister and squeezed her tightly, "I KNEW IT! I knew magic was real! But Helios just kept saying 'No Honey, magic is just a bunch of optical illusions and slight of hand tricks', But Ha! I always knew it was real and you're the proof!" She gloated as she hugged Sunset and smiled.
Helios just sighed, "Okay, fine you were right, but how could anyone even imagine that there's another world filled with talking horses and other mythological creatures?" he retorted with confusion and snark as everyone laughed.
Golden just shook her head still Finding it weird that her daughter was a Unicorn who was trained under her old friend Celestia's counterpart who also happened to be a princess but ultimately abandoned her and retreated to her home, ruled an entire high school through fear, but was reformed by five girls and the counterpart of Twilight who also happened to be princess and eventually helped them defeat three ancient sirens during a band competition. It was a lot to take in. Sunset saw her mother's shocked and confused expression before she softly asked, "Mom? Are you alright?" It still felt weird calling her that after just meeting her a few minutes ago but Golden turned to her.
"I'm fine sweetheart, I just find it hard to believe my little girl was a high school bully and turned into a 'Raging She-Demon', " She started as Sunset looked at her mother very nervously but seeing this Golden gave a small smile and placed her hands on her daughter's shoulders to calm her before continuing, "But I'm also so amazed of all you've done on your journey to a new start. So it gives me great pleasure to say that I'm proud of you Sunray." Sunset blushed and tears formed once again in her eyes, as she always wanted a mother's approval since she was little and hugged her tightly.
Golden smiled and hugged her back but he started thinking of something else, she loosened her grip on the embrace but kept her grip on Sunset arms, "But Sunray there's something else I wanted to ask, what were you doing out in the cold alone?" She asked as Sunset's face turned to one of sorrow and looked away. Her family quickly caught on to this and Golden switched places with her daughter making it so she was in the center of the couch now as Fang whined in concern and rubbed Sunset's legs. "Sunray did something happen at CHS?" Her mother asked, holding her as Sunset's eyes started to water.
"Y-yes." She whimpered.
"Sunny, sweetheart it's okay, we're here for you." Her father assured her by rubbing her shoulder gently.
"My friends," She started as tears started falling down her cheeks, "They, they, b-betrayed me.". She wailed. Her family gasped as Golden hugged her daughter,
"Oh my little Sunshine, it's okay," She cooed softly to the poor teen as she cried gently into her mother's shoulder, "Tell us everything." Sunset rubbed her eyes and recomposed herself, "W-well, we were just getting ready for winter break coming up and the girls decided to invite me to some sleepovers at their homes, to share the holidays with me. At first it was going okay but after the first sleepover a Mystable user called 'Anon-a-Miss' started posting secrets about my friends, first about Applejack then the girls wearing silly costumes we found at Rarity's." She started, already feeling heavy in her chest.
"Oh yeah, we've seen that too, just got a post on my phone from it when I found you." Helios added, as Sunset looked at her, "Plus Mrs Celestia and Luna filled us in on the details last time we saw them." Sunset's eyes widened at the last part.
"W-wait, you know Principal Celestia and Vice-Principal Luna?" She asked her parents as they both chuckled and nodded.
"Yes we do. They're our friends from our university days and they even babysat you and Helios when your mother and I were too busy at work." Sunset's jaw dropped. Her principal and vice-principal were not only friends of her parents but also her old babysitters?! She knew this was talk she had to have with them, but before she could ask another question, "But back to Anon-a-Miss sweetie."
Sunset sighed, knowing she had continued, "After the second post my friends noted that the photos posted were from my phone which I don't know how she got and since Applejack told me the story about her nickname they all suspected that I was Anon-a-Miss." Sunset started to tremble as tears began to form in her eyes, "I-I tried to tell that, that I was her b-but they wouldn't listen, they just decided to turn their back on me! After, after everything we've been through, they just, th-they just, HOW COULD THEY ABANDON ME JUST LIKE THAT?!?!" Sunset screamed as she buried her face in her hands and cried in sorrow ,betrayal and intense grief.
Her family, feeling sorry for her gathered around and hugged her as she continued to cry. Even Fang got in on nuzzling her leg.
Sunset eventually calmed down after a few minutes but tears still flowed down her face, Golden brought her face up and cleared the tears from her eyes, "Feel better?" She asked softly as Sunset sniffled and nodded. "Yes, thank you." She then took another breath and continued, "After that day, Anon-a-Miss got worse and worse, she started posting the secrets of everyone in the school and when everyone wasn't busy arguing with each other they pointed the finger, and just like that all the good I've done for the school was forgotten."
"I'm so sorry sis." Helios said, trying to keep a calm and collected form, but inside his mind was filled with the utmost fury and rage.' If I see those girls tomorrow I'm gonna give them a piece of my mind.' He promised his little sister he wasn't going to let them get away hurting his sister.
"Thanks bro," Sunset said with a sad smile, but it quickly vanished, "I just, I don't know what to do anymore, my friends were there to help me back when the entire school hates me but now. I feel more alone than ever." She said looking down sadly, but her father just gripped her hand causing her to look up and see his soft, gentle and loving fatherly smile.
"Well don't. you're not alone anymore sweetie, you're back where you belong, with us, home". He said gesturing to the whole family as Helios, Golden and Honey smiled and Fang panted and wagged his tail happily at her causing her to smile too, "And don't you worry, we'll help you track down the real Anon-a-miss and make sure she can't and won't ever bother you ever again." He declared as her family nodded.
Sunset smiled brightly so happy to not only have a good family but people who would help her stop Anon-a-Miss, "Thank you, with all of your help I know I'll find the real Anon-a-Miss, then my friends will see the consequences for turning their back on me." She growled as she thought about her friends- no, former friends, wanting them to feel nothing but guilt and sorrow for what they did to her. Her parents saw this but decided not to say anything. Golden smiled at her daughter and said, "Well how about we get a good night sleep before we start giving people their just desserts, ok?"
Sunset yawned, feeling sleepy and answered "Yeah, okay." Helios got up and noticed that Honey was just starting to fall asleep. He rolled his eyes and picked her up then turned to his other sister, "Come on, you can sleep with me tonight. Night mom. Night dad." He said as he, Sunset and the now sleeping honey went upstairs. The two adults just sat on the couch and then Flame then noticed that his wife was releasing tears she had kept in for her daughter's sake, "Goldie?" he asked in concern.
"She was here for years," Golden whispered, "Our daughter, our precious little girl has been here for SIX years Flame! And while I've just been posing for the cameras for my Holiday Magazine, my daughter has been suffering!" she shouted as her husband held her tightly.
"Shh, don't worry Goldie. From what Sunray's told us she's a tough girl I know we can get her through this." Flame said as he comforted his wife, "And I know what you're thinking but don't worry, we won't lose her again."
Golden sniffled, "I hope so. I really hope so."
Sunset sat on the extra comforter her brother had as she looked around the room. His bedroom was red with a fiery vibe on the walls which had books on multiple subjects, Martial arts awards, Games, action figures, Band posters, Crystal Prep flags and even a few pictures of his family and friends which lined the walls like mosaics.
Her brother had loaned her some of his old pajamas which had conveniently fit her perfectly.
As she sat down she was contemplating everything that had happened today so far. She nearly got run over, brought back and reunited with her family, gained help to find the real Anon-a-Miss and was finally gonna have a real good night's sleep.
Just as she was about to lie down her bag started glowing, knowing what it meant she took out a brown book with her Cutie mark on the cover, and opened it seeing the words that appeared on it.
Sunset! Are you there?!
I'm so sorry I didn't answer sooner!
The princesses and I are visiting the Kingdom Amboria for peace meeting with Lady Golden
Shine and Lord Flame Heart and their three children.
but when I saw that I brought the journal with me by accident and read what's been happening at CHS, I had contact you,
Is everything alright?
Sunset was very surprised to hear that Princess Twilight was in a kingdom ruled by her parents' counterparts and guessed that if there were alternate versions of them there then there were probably alternate versions of herself and her siblings there too. She chuckled knowing her princess friend would be in for a big surprise when she would meet the lord and lady's kids but she pushed that thought aside and took out her pen and wrote.
"Twilight, we have a lot to catch up on''.
There we have it the third chapter of Anon-a-Miss: Alone no more.
I decided to add a family pet to the mix because...why not, but anyways Sunset finally knows what happened to her and her famil knows what's going on with her and Anon-a-Miss and are willing to help her get through it. But it looks she got some vengeful thought inside her, stay tuned to see if she sticks to those feelings.
next time though the three Shine siblings head to Canterlot High, bump into some familiar faces, And while Helios gives a certain five girls a piece of his mind while one finally realizes the truth, Honey catches the real Anon-a-Miss (Or should I say Anon-a-Misses
) in the act. What will happen during this High School Drama? Find out next week.
(This Chapter was edited by my friend
)
Don't forget to Like, Comment and Follow me of Fimfiction.
stay cool, stay friends and I'll see you on the website.
Until then NNNNIIIINNNJJJJJAAA-GO!!!
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nice work.
So Sunset is actually Human all along! And the fact she went to Equestria by accident by a very young age? Nice and crazy Plot twist.
And I do want her real family to support and stop Anon A Miss once and for all. And have Fame and Golden give the Rainbooms their parent's FURY!!!
And maybe also talk to Apple Jack/Apple Bloom, Rainbow Dash/Scootaloo, Rarity/Sweetie Belle, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie's Parents and Siblings to give a proper punishment for the Rainbooms and especially the CMC.
Cyber Bullying is a CRIME!!! And the Police should be involved and warned the CMC they could have spend in jail with their crime. 😡
Good story so far. I wonder if Celestia and Luna will have an explanation as to why they didn't recognize Sunset as Sunray? Or did they, but tests to verify came up negative. I'll grant that the age 4 vs age 10 age gap is significant, even if MLP color combinations look unique to us readers. Course, that was probably a big 6 year period in the principal's lives...
Great chapter! I may just be overthinking things a bit but did you reference Madagascar 2?
10565944
Now, it appears Sunset; or Sunray in this case, now has a plan on top of a plan to end this Anon-a-Miss madness. Now clearly, Plan A; which was her alone trying to convince everyone that she's not Anon-a-Miss, did not work at all for her. But...Plan B...always works.
Wow. Well...that explains a lot.
And what's Plan B, you ask? Well...Rock?
ringsidenews.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/The-Rock-Microphone.png
Plan B? Family.
10565944
Where you read to now? that beacuse im reading the chapter multiple times and I don see it
10566081
What do you mean by that?
I feel that it’s either going to be Applejack or Pinkie Pie since they’re the only two who have older siblings and since Sci-Twi has yet to be in their group with this being before the friendship games it can only make sense they will be able to see a overprotective brothers reaction to this mess. Another possibility is Fluttershy and Rarity being the only two with only older siblings and understanding things from the first born perspective. Rainbow... as far as we know only has a sisterly like relationship with Scootaloo so it’s unknown to say if her loyalty will snap her out of it or a magical twist causes all five girls to start seeing their harmony colors in everyone’s auras. At least that’s how think it might go. Who knows?
10566237
The part where you said that sunset is a human and got transported to esquestria
Sorry for bad inglish
10566509
Well, this chapter did say on what has happened to Sunset in the past. With the big twist is that she was human all along and not a Equestrian Pony in the first place. At least she is back with her real family. And will stop Anon A Miss together, with the Police to help and Principal Celestia and Luna.
You know, I can already picture one of the lines for the confrontation.
"How dare you treat our sister so shamefully!"
I got this question last chapter but gonna ask it now. If celestia babysat shimmer when she was human, freinds with her family and srayed in contact. Why didnt she tell shimmers mom that for 6 years... 6 hole years a girl realy awfuly simular to their lost daughter was at her school?
10566793
Ok thanks
10566810
Celestia did feel like Sunset was Familiar but given the age difference, Different personalities, I think it might be tricky for her to see really big resemblance.
and maybe she Did tell Golden about Sunset but never really manage to make a connection.
Vengeance is an idiot's game.
That's what a video game character taught me.
Also, if they fail, then I'd suggest Sunset must keep running and never look back. It's over
No, I don't mean like running away I meant moving on.
I learned that line from a video game
10566940
Agreed if her former "friends" dont want to listen to reason then I can see her transferring out or even getting homeschooled...
Only read the first chapter, but so far like the premise. I'm always up for more Sunset family fics. I do think this one could use some work though as it makes many of the mistakes that are common for beginner writers. I'll point out some of the most prominent issues and possible solutions.
First is the need of an editor. Even the most experienced writers have tons of mistakes in their drafts and therefor need editors who can help them clean that up. There are quite a lot of grammatical mistakes as well as typos like unnecessary capitalizations. There are also some basic writing practices that could be used, such as not needing action descriptors at every dialogue or not using accented speech when speaking as the narrator. These are things a good editor can help with. FIM has an editor group that can help you look for one or you can ask those who have favorited the story if someone would like to proof read. Over time you will get better at writing so the edits are not as frequent, but it's still always good to have a second pair of eyes to go over it.
Second pitfall is the over abundance of information we are given. After just chapter one I can likely predict what occurs in the other two chapters based solely on the info given in this chapter. Now that's not to say just knowing what will happen will make it worse, just that we are given an exorbitant amount of info and most of it is unnecessary at this point. It actually comes off as awkward with how it is presented too. I'll give an example.
We have just been introduced to this character, but outside of his name and description we already know: his parents and their jobs, how they behave after some event, the event itself, his hang up on his missing sister. All things that are unnecessary to this scene and have no relevance at the moment. Is it not odd that he keeps a picture of his 12-years-lost sister in a jacket pocket just to pull out at the moment he is about to run back into her? What connection does this have to the present? Did she disappear on this day, or near Christmas and that's why he thinks of her now? It simply feels like a forced info dump, which while informative, doesn't really keep the reader interested. It also makes the reader ask why he knows certain things. Like why would a character, who doesn't go to CHS and whose only connection is a family friend being the principle/vice principle, follow anonymous? Sure, he might have heard of it and felt sympathy for Celestia and Luna having problems, but other than that why would he care? The first chapter feels a lot like this, so much so that I'm not sure what else I'll learn once Sunset actually meets her parents that haven't been told to me, directly or indirectly, here. There is a way to help alleviate this, but it also helps on the next issue so I'll discuss it there.
Third is outside of an information dump, we also have a character dump. We not only know that she is about to meet her family, but that this world's Twilight and her Principle and Vice Principle will also make an appearance. That's just too many characters coming together this early in. Not only does it severely limit Sunset's, and the audience by proxy, time getting to meet and learn about the new family we are being introduced to, but it also forces difficult to explain happenstance. Celestia and Luna are apparently acquainted enough with the Shine's that they are invited over for a holiday dinner, yet somehow didn't make the connection between a long lost daughter and their student of similar age who has the same hair, skin tone and facial features of their friends? It just paints them as either uncaring individuals or idiots. And while it's interesting that the student Helios has a crush on is Twilight, it could have served as a form of comedy if revealed later. Like Helios and Sunset are awkwardly trying to bond and Sunset learns that he has a crush he won't confess to. So she gives him advice which he takes and later when he brings over his crush Sunset is shocked to see Twilight. Seems only like she was mentioned as a "Hey readers, Twilight is in this story".
Both the info dump and character dump are related to the same issue, which is said in comments far and wide on this site. "Show, don't tell". We are told all this, but it's all info that could have been shown to us as we got to know the family. The good thing is that it has an easy fix, which is limit the story to Sunset's perspective. Remove all the other characters perspectives, such as Helios in the first chapter, and maybe have it end on the cliffhanger of her hearing "Sunray!?". What this will do is mean that we only know what Sunset knows. Since we know Sunset and her current predicament already, there doesn't need to be much space used recreating the setting, just simple refresher to let us know that your universe is the same or very similar to what is canon. Now, we as readers get introduced to characters as Sunset gets introduced to them, so what she learns is what we learn. This way we aren't reading the minds of someone who already knows the family members, but have to get to know them with the dialogue they have with Sunset or each other and with how they behave around the house. It makes showing, not telling, much easier since the only one who could tell us is Sunset and she doesn't know. Now, that doesn't fully remove that pitfall, as dialogue between characters can have just as much tell as the narrator, but it does make it easier for the author to detect when it is happening as dialogue becomes clunky and overly long.
The last thing I would suggest is slowing the pace (said after reading chapter two). Every avid reader has favorite scenes from each book they read. Moments that the reader likes to go back to and re-read as they are the payoffs to build up earlier in the story and just give a good feeling when we read them again. But those moments only work because there was build up to it. Think about your favorite scene, whether from a movie or book, and then think about why that scene is so good. What moments happened before that moment that made those scenes stand out. If Sam gave his "but I can carry you" speech right at the start of the journey, it wouldn't be very impactful as they hadn't faced all those challenges yet. If Luke learned that Darth Vader was his father in the first movie from Obi Wan, it wouldn't inspire the same reaction that has made that an iconic scene. Build up is just as important, maybe even more so, than the payoff. Like blowing up a balloon. If you just have a puff of air in it before poking a hole in it, then it's a bit of air coming out. But if you fully inflate it before you puncture it, then you get that loud POP payoff.
Overall, I think there is some good elements here. I'm biased cause Sunset is probably my favorite character and I love me some Sunset and family fluffy stories. Seriously, it's like the crack cocaine of Sunset fans. You have the workings of one, it just can use some work to go from "Nice idea" to "Great story". Like baking a bread, you can have all the elements and ingredients, but if you don't cook it long enough you just have a heavy doughy blob. Let that sucker cook so we can all have a nice hot slice of fluffy story.
10568667
Well thank you, If you know a good editor who could help me just give me their name.
(Even though I don't exactly get what your saying, Could you put it more simply?)
I am an intrigued entity. Lets see how this plays out.
10568896
This story is promising. Do you want or need a writer/editor to help you with this story? Because I'm up for the job!
10568896
I'm up for being an editor.
10538554
Technically, it would be kidnapping. Unless Sunset in court admits to consent of going with them, it would be seen as kidnappin.
And even if they're related it would still prove to be a problem for Sunset here, since her records were forged, and her real identity(papers and records) as Sunray wouldn't add up in court.
You also have to take into consideration the fact that even with the DNA samples added up, they'd notice a change in Sunset/Sunray's DNA type due to the magic. This would make them possibly unstable cells, which scientists and doctors would want to study.
Unless the cells stay somewhat and somehow pure human cells and not magical pony cells like when Sunset/Sunray was a unicorn back in Equestria.
This is what I know from a biological standpoint.
10568896
I'll be a writer for you if you want!?. I'm currently taking my MOCK English Language GCSE's but i'll gladly be a writer for you, since i have many ideas for this story, PM/DM me for the ideas.
I'm betting both Celestias (as well as VP Luna and pony Twilight) will be equally stunned at the sight of Sunset and her pony counterpart.
This is the first sunset finds her real mother ive seen. I love it
I was correct about sunset being from the human world
Oh this is going to be a total mind fuck
Incorrect, never use colons like that.
Correct this to: