Whiteout 2

by Sumani10

Update

I’m sorry I haven’t made any new chapters in a while. It’s because I’m making som egos chapters right now and I’m trying my best to make them the best quality I can right now.
So thank you for the wait.

Comments

[Mix-up]

I wish you good luck on that.

[Zh3sh1re]

Jesus. I don't mean to rain on your parade, but I have several pretty bad complaints about this fic. I just powered through the original to be able to better put my issues into words.

Firstly structure. You really need to work on this. Let the text flow from subject to subject, do not arbitrarily cut it up into individual pieces in five-six sentences. The paragraph-structure makes the entire thing hard to read and even harder to follow. Also, please delete the double spacing. Not only does it look unprofessional, it literally makes the text harder to read.

You should also think of dialogue as an excuse to break a paragraph. Dialogue should be at the start of it's own sentence. If you REALLY need to say something else in that paragraph, keep it extremely short, however the majority of a work should consist of descriptions. Do not lean on dialogue to save a story, especially when you make as many mistakes as you currently are doing.

Secondly, there is a severe lack of impact. Pretty much everything is written in almost a pseudo-RP style with short explanations and it doesn't allow the reader any sort of time to digest what they just read. This balance can be very hard to strike, but I advise you to better paint the scene with your words. More than half of reading is imagination. Read parts of the original where the author is describing something happening or even a room, then take a look at your own writing. Describe, but not too much. Let your text flow rather than be jagged as it is currently.

Thirdly, dialogue. There is such a thing as too much stutter. I see what you're trying to do, though. You're trying to use the dialogue itself as a way of conveying how a character says something. This is a very, very useful tool but it should NEVER be overused. See below:

“It … uhh, wasn’t fastened properly?” I nervously offered, breaking the silence.

“I-It … uhh, w-wasn’t fastened p-properly?” I say.

Do not do what the second one does. They essentially tell the reader exactly the same thing, but they do it in an imaginative way rather than just telling them. A reader can imagine the dialogue being nervously said by that one description. You use this kind of dialogue very, very often and it's only detrimental to the story itself. This critique is essentially the same as the second one. Use descriptive rather than prescriptive language and you'll quickly find the story itself mend easier.

Oh, and NEVER use dialogue to enforce a dialogue that is impossible to imagine, such as this excerpt taken from the first chapter.

“No pl-please no!!”

You cannot write "pl-pl". It is impossible to say. If you want him to stutter, just say that he stutters and let the reader figure out the rest.

I can say a lot more about the dialogue and how it ties into structuring, but I'll just leave this link.
https://www.dailywritingtips.com/dialogue-dos-and-donts/

Fourthly, use commas moderately. They're very useful tools in moderation. It's strange, sometimes you never use a comma but other times you overflow a sentence with them. Moderation.

Fifthly, sentence structure. This below cannot be excused and should never be in a final product. This should be one sentence. It could be broken up into two, but that's not what you're doing here. You're terminating a sentence and then continued as if it was a comma.

I ran but before I could go any further away from the cop ponys. One of them jumped right on top of me and then pinning me to the hard cold ground.

This is how it should be written, if you want to keep the existing structure.

I started running, but before I could get away one of the guards jumped on top of me and pinned me to the cold, hard ground.

I could go on for days. This work shouldn't have made it past a first draft, let alone release. I understand and respect the wish to continue where another author has left a story, that is not the issue. The thing you need to understand is that this work is nothing but disrespectful to the original author and work. You really need to improve before trying to tackle something like this again.

I believe sincerely that you can be a good writer someday, but you are just not there yet. I suggest that you start reading. Reading is what makes you understand all the nuances of a good work and what you write afterwards will turn out much better.