I stared at the padded floor and was thinking how should I escape from here because I really don’t know what to do it this point.
Until I heard some voices outside my door.
They were muffled but I could make out what they were saying. “So, Nurse Redheart what did you get outta him?” Someone asked.
“Well, for starters he has a server case of
Amnesia, and he really does not know anything so, yeah I do t know what else to say.” Nurse Redheart said.
Oh, my that’s bad. Someone said.
“Do you know what he has instead of just Amnesia?” Nurse Redheart said.
“ Well no, sadly we don’t know but test will be coming in soon. Maybe we should a sign him a therapist? Maybe we he talks openly about it to somepony he will open up?” Someone said.
“No that’s to dangerous, you know what you told me when you were give him that needle? He literally panic and had to be pushed down on the floor just so you could put the needle in him.”
Nurse Redheart said.
“Why not we restrain him during-“
He said when he was about to finish his sentence. “You know what why not we just talk about this later ok, good.”
He said. “Okey then should we take him into the bathroom now?”
“Yes we should” Nurse Redheart said.
Then I heard the door opening and it opened to show 2 guards and the same yellow pony I have seen before.
He walked over to me and took my muzzle of my face and my straight Jacket or whatever the thing in me is called.
And for the first time in 2 days I think I got all to all fours the fell right back down.
The yellow pony caught me before I hit the ground. “Wow there you don’t wanna fall
down do ya.” He said with a force smile.
“It’s time to go to the bathroom.” The yellow doctor said.
They leaded me outside my room and I could see other doors connecting to other rooms. We walk down the hallway for like a minute and the bathroom was there.
“Now you only got 5 minute until we check on ya.” One of the Guards said with a force smile. I made it into the bathroom and there was a stall for some reason with a broken stall door. the to the left there was a sink. I walked up to the door and fixed it. Then all of a sudden my flank started to glow then I got my cutie mark which was a Hammer and plank and I was amazed at it but I really had to go.
So after I did my business I headed to the sink, but then I through of something.
To escape this place, so i looked around to find a vent and I did but it was fucking to small for me. “Shit that not good.” I said
With anger in my voice.
Hello there
“Alek your back!” I said with excitement in my voice.
I’m not Alek drift I’m someone or something else in your head that is not this so called Alek.
“Then, wait who are you?” I said
I’m not going to say that and also I’m just a voice in your head so yeah and I ain’t telling you anything.
“Well then can I talk to Alek then?” I said
No, you won’t be talking to him anytime soon. And you won’t be getting getting out of here anytime soon.
“That’s not true!” I yelled out with anger in my voice.
Think about it a pony tries to commit suicide in the bathroom.
“I would never do that!” I yelled out.
Yes you would watch
Then I felt something pull me and throw me against the wall. I screamed in pain as blood started to gash from my side next to my flank. Then the thing thrown me to the sink, then slammed my head so hard it broke the sink and broke the sink into pieces. I fell to the floor screaming in pain.
I felt blood coming down to my face from my head.
See you would try to kill yourself
I heard the door open and I saw two guards come to my side.
“Holy shit what happened!” One of them said. “Please stay awake for us okey we are getting you to th-“ before he could finish his sentence I blacked out entirely from all the pain and stuff.
The next thing I remember was waking up in my padded room again. I felt something on my head and I tried to look up and see what it was. It was some type of padding on my head to keep me from hitting my head. I also noticed I had my straight jacket on again and so I had the muzzle on to. But what scared me the most out of all of that was what happened to Alek and who was that new evil voice who tried to kill me.
I’m just so confused over what the fuck just happened and who or what the fuck was that think that controlled my body.
And I was sitting down like usual and leaning my head and body against the padded wall.
I heard some hoof steps coming towards me once again and by this point it was getting old quick. Well i could guess it was probably close to dinner time or so but that’s the main thing I wasn’t worried about at the time.
I heard the hoof steps outside my door stop and heard the metal door unlocking and seeing it open to show a yellow doctor pony and two guard ponys.
They walk into my room and the yellow doctor pony kneels down to my level and then starts to talk. “Drift we need to have a talk about what happened a couple hours ago.” The yellow doctor pony said with a concern look on his face.
The writing is better this chapter around, still need work, but at least you are improving, I can tell you.
I know that's is clear in the other story, but you never stated why he would want to try to escape, and on that same note you didn't even mention that he was human or that he came from another world for that matter. And sense he clames that he doesn't remember who he is at the moment he wouldn't have a motive to try to escape or resist the staff. A good story needs to establish the goals of the character and what are the obstruction in his way. In the original his goal was a desperate gamble to reach Discord's stature a mad god that could maybe send him home, and seemed to have attracted his attention and he his pursued because David is one of those 'crazies'. You can still make up for it in the coming chapter just to let you know, so it's not unfixable for the most part.
Again this is a case of redundancy in over using the same words over and over. You can conveyed the same meaning with 'reply' 'answered', 'retort' or other similar words and you can also emotions instead to add a tone to how they respond like: "This again" annoyed, "This is great news" jubilant. you can even follow it up with an action: "Welcome to the group" He held out his hand in greeting.
What does David think of the conversation? Surely he has to have an opinion about what other are making discussions for them.
Glad to see some description you could add a lot more in your chapters. Now what does he guess happen there in the first place and why didn't they lead him to a bathroom that wasn't in disrepair? On an extra not the bathroom is a good place for David examine himself in the mirror and to show the reader how he looks like in the story.
Watch out for your punctuation and capitals.
I think this would be a better time to for him to panic about getting one in the first place as he has no clue how ponies even get those and has only a vague knowledge of what they are or what they are called. I think their should be more to getting a cutie mark then just fix something out of the blue, and from the last story it sounded like he had some working knowledge medicine and possibly veterinary from recognizing what he was injected with. Try to research properly everything in the original story to get a clearer picture on the details about David and what he thinks of that world, it's annoying as hell for the reader to see inconsistencies like that and just the same for you too to point that out for you. There is also the fact that what made David stand out from all the other ponies was the fact that he didn't had a cutie mark in the first place with is just strange and very unusual for ponies to which makes him stick out more like a sour thumb which was a major problem in the original. It can be an important part of the story to; so getting one drastically changes the dynamic of the original, which is not bad as such but would have needed to be handled more delicately then just trowing that out like this. On the other hand the mark could belong to who ever is replacing Alek, so it could be just a temporary thing or.
Again, you need to add context, don't presume that the reader read the original story and just pick up where it left off, you need to reestablish who the characters are. As for the other being itself that is replacing Alek, I wouldn't say it's necessarily bad, I would say that it could be interesting new dynamic actually, that could be a force that keeps making him look like he is insane and prone to self-harm, which ponies will come to stop him from risking harming himself, and dismiss everything he has to say.
Please avoid using words such as 'like' or 'stuff' it sound Juvenal and makes it hard to take the writing seriously
Despite my issues you are getting better in your writing, I just hope you will keep on more attention in reviewing over your writing more to fix your mistakes more fixing. Keep it up.
Thanks for your very, very long review I will make sure I will take note on what you said and to make my story better.