Whiteout 2

by Sumani10

Chapter 1 The Awakening

I continued to stare with listless eyes at the padded floor. I could still see my tail, even tucked away as it was between my hind legs. The white and cobalt colored hair was noticeably frazzled, a quality that I'm sure my mane also sported. Then I realized I was back in the mental hospital again in the same padded room as last time. I sighed, purely through my sinuses since the muzzle around my face was doing an excellent job holding my jaw shut. There was no way for me to gauge how much time had passed without a clock to check, nor a window to even guess the time of day.
I called out for Alek but, I got no response.

My heart beat as loud as a drum in my ears with nothing else to distract me. The way the jacket forced me to hug myself made it so that my left foreleg pressed tightly against my chest. I could feel each and every one of the heavy "lub-dubs" my agitated heart was making. After counting over two hundred of them, I gave up. My body slumped against the wall as I let my head rest on the soft padding. I had nothing to do, no track of time and I don’t know what to do. So I just laid there thinking about the past couple of days and how I have no memory of my past.
Just sitting there staring at the padded floor with nothing to do.

Then I heard some hoof steps coming towards the door, I was a little worried because i don’t know what to expect.
Then the metal door opened showing the same doctor from last time and a couple new guards I have never seen before at all. “Well it’s nice to see you awake you been out for a couple hours now.” The doctor in pale yellow said. “I’m sorry for the uncomfortableness but you have that stuff on for a reason and we don’t want to hurt yourself and we want to help you.
So I beg of you let us help you we promise we will help you to get better.” The pale yellow doctor said.

“We will meet again in a couple of hours, for a talk, is that okey with you Drift?” The pale yellow doctor asked. I nodded yes, because I couldn’t say anything because something was covering my mouth preventing me to speak. Then they left the room and closed the door behind them
I was back starring at the floor again remember what I did and how much stuff was missing from my memories. Then I began to cry because i just realized that how alone I am and how that I dont remember anything before getting here and I was so lost and didn’t know where to go.

I continued to cry for about 10 more minutes before I decided to get some sleep because I had nothing else better to do. So I tried to find a comfortable position leaning against the padded wall either this mental hospital jacket or what ever it’s called then I fallen to sleep.
I then woke up at an unknown time still making sure this was not a dream and it wasn’t. I was still in the padded room and still have all that mental hospital stuff on.
I then heard some hoof steps coming to
my room. Then I heard what I thought was keys. Then the metal door opened and I saw the same pale yellow doctor as before.

“Hello Drift, you must be ready to have a talk right”? The pale yellow doctor said in a calm tone. I nodded yes, and I somehow have not noticed the two guards at the entrance of my padded room.
But that was not worth paying attention to. “Move your head to the left please.” The pale yellow doctor said and I complied. I removed the muzzle that prevent me from talking. “Thank y-you” I said with a trembling voice. “Alright 1st question, do you remember your family?”
The yellow doctor said with a calm voice.
“N-no” I said my voice still trembling

“Alright do you know why your here?” The yellow doctor asked.
“No I- d-don’t at all.” I said with my voice still trembling. “Well, you are considered unstable because you freak out at the market a week ago and not calming down at all and a few of our staff heard the commotion and came out side to see you freaking out for no reason so then we tried to calm you down only to see you kick one of our staff members so we had to restrain you and bring you hear and then you escaped and now we aren’t letting you escape again we made it harder for you move around for your and others safety. So do you want to let us help you and get better?” The yellow doctor said.
“Yes” I said trying to not get stressed out.

The Yellow doctor notice me stressed out so he toke a clear needle full of some type of clear substance and said “I’m going to eject this into you so you can relax and I can see that you are stressed out. So stand still, it won’t hurt.” The yellow doctor said.

“No pl-please no!!” I said screaming. The two guards ran up to me and held me down. I tried to get lose but, the mental hospital jacket was to heavy for me to move that much. Then I felt the needle Pearce into my body and the two guards let go and I found myself leaning on the wall while the medicine with kicking in.

“I’m sorry about that but it had to be done.” The doctor walks towards me and puts my muzzle back on, putting it on tightly. “I hope we have a better day tomorrow have a good night’s sleep.”
And the metal door closed, then the lights turned off. so I figure that I should go to sleep now. Just when I was about to sleep the medicine kicked in. My head slammed against my two back legs.

Just when I was about to get up when my body gave in and I felt very sleepy and lightheaded then I fell asleep.

Comments

[Mix-up]

Hum, okay, nice to see someone picking up this story again after so long, this story was actually one of my most favored HiE stories that I had ever read, with a non-brony human turned pony. I did like the premise of a human trying to make some sense in this world that he doesn't understand all the while seen as crazy by everypony else and trying to capture him because he is a danger to the public and himself for his own safety; and hearing a voice that tells you what to do doesn't make his care very persuading case for being sound of mind either; I wonder if that was what caused his first freak out in the market place.

I am not really keen on the MC (Main Character) suddenly getting amnesia already having identity problems with being inhabited by two being, but then again it could be the medication he is currently under, so who knows, if that will change very soon. It just comes as a little weak writing if you didn't consider what is his back just yet before launching into this project. Also, it's called a straitjacket if you didn't know the proper term, or maybe you intended to for him no to know what it was called.

Just to let you know a professional doctor wouldn't say such things as 'freak out' as it's not a clinical term to describe their own patient like that and makes it look like he doesn't care about their feelings and makes relations with the patient much more tense then it needs to be, aw well as sounding like he is talking at him and not 'to' them, makes all the more harder to get their cooperation afterwards .

It would help your writing better if you add more description of what the MC is going to sees, or perceives around him to help have a better sense of what happening to the readers; as well as adding a more subjective tone to his descriptions to have a feeling of what the characters around feel about him or what he is interpreting from them, sense the limited point of view of the narrator makes it hard to convey what other characters are thinking.

You might also want to use a text to speech program like Balabolka (yes it's free) to help you better see your mistakes and better structure your writing, it certainly helped he a lot in my own writing skills over the years, I am sure it will help you a lot too.

I am hopeful that your writing will keep on improving, and I wish you good luck on this project.

If you are looking for a new cover art for this I am open for commissions just to let you know.

P.S. here is my DA gallery if you want to take a look.
https://www.deviantart.com/amalgamzaku

Again good luck

[Replica Knight]

I'll follow this story

[Diamondspice]

“Well, you are considered unstable because you freak out at the market a week ago and not calming down at all and a few of our staff heard the commotion and came out side to see you freaking out for no reason so then we tried to calm you down only to see you kick one of our staff members so we had to restrain you and bring you hear and then you escaped and now we aren’t letting you escape again we made it harder for you move around for your and others safety.

This sentence is so, so long, it hurts to read.