Whiteout 2

by Sumani10

Chapter 5 The Flashback

I remember being in the market square confused and scared.
It was very cold out and I remember yelling but I really don’t know what for.

I remember walking up to a pony “Uh sir what’s going on?” I said with a hint of fright in my voice.

The brown pony looked at me with a confused look at me. “Hey dude you alright, you are shaking like crazy. Do you need help with something are you lost”. The brown pony said.

He reached his hoof to my shoulder then I jolted and I said “Stay away from me!”
I said with a lot of panic in my voice
“Sir he’s says yet again do you need help, you seem really scared?” He said with concern in his voice.

He started walking over toward me, “Stay away!” I said yet again. Then I started to notice some pony’s started to stare at me with concern looks. The brown pony keep on walking toward me. “Sir you seem really scared do you need to go to the police or are you lost?” He said with concern in his voice.

I dash straight pushing the brown pony out out of my way. I heard other pony’s gasps as I push the brown pony out of my way. I just keep on running not stopping for anything. “Hey you!” I stopped dead in my tracks. I felt my blood going cold. I looked at the police pony with a smile.
“Uh, is there something wrong officer?” I said with a smile while shaking uncontrollably. “Yes there is, I just saw you panic over there and pushed that brown mare out of the way.” The officer pony said with a serious tone.

“You seem really scared and you are shaking uncontrollably, right now. Do I need to bring you to the hospital or something, it seems like you need some help.” The officer pony said with concern in her voice.

Then she starts to walk up to me carefully keeping her distance. “Sir I think I should bring you to the hospital. There seems like there’s something wrong with you.” She says with concern in her voice.

“Stay away” I yelled out loud.
And at the cornor of my eye I could see some more police pony’s walking toward me slowly. I started to run the other direction until one of the police pony’s jumped on me and pinned me to the cold ground. “Sir I need you to calm down okey, we want to help you.” The police mare said.

I ran but before I could go any further away from the cop ponys. One of them jumped right on top of me and then pinning me to the hard cold ground.
I tried to escape but I couldn’t instead I was pinned down harder. “Sir resisting will only make it harder. We really want to help you, I’m honest but resisting will only make it harder. Then they put some cuffs on me. Then the last very thing I could remember was getting injected with a needle then I blacked out.

Comments

[VcSaJen]

This is a sequel to Whiteout because the author abandoned it so I decided to take it into my own hands.

Did you mean authors?

[Mix-up]

Okay, while this is a really short chapter, I can see the effort you put into the structure of this chapter this time, in spite of a few hiccups here and there, so good job on that. I think you had the right idea in recapping how it was David arrived in Equestria in the first place and adding your own interpretation on he got locked up in an asylum in the first place, which would help you get a better sense of the character, there is a lot of context missing to under what was going on at the time. Just to let you know the original story explained what had happened that got him to land in the padded room in the first place you completely changed how it had actually happened, so you would really need to study the original story more attentively just to let you know. In the original he was acting unruly and dismissed everything that was happening around him as just having a lucid dream and so he thought he was not subject to any social norms and though that this world inhabited talking pony was just part of the crazy that was his dream. While I wouldn't say it was a bad idea at all, the execution on how you when about it is much left to be desired. I could, maybe, interpret the flashback of the chapter as being nonsensical seeing that it was all a dream so it doesn't actually need follow a rigid structure of how the events actually happen and is purely subjective, with no room David narration to actually show reflection on what he was thinking at the time, I could easily let it slide; as well as make it up in the next chapter when he wakes up and add some context to what he remembered of the event.

Now for the next issues in your writing, after you managed for the most part . First off I would strongly suggest that you stop calling ponies by their colors, it gets tiresome when your repeat it over and over again, after the first time you can be just go with 'he' 'it' or just 'pony' or 'talking horse' or even give him a placeholder name like 'vendor' 'customer' or such, at least. Next you would need to explain why he started to panic when the pony went toward him with seemingly no hostile intent, when he didn't vent bat an eye of being in a city full of talking pony before, and you didn't even when in at how he realized that he was turned into one of them, there is just no context to what he was thinking or feeling at the time in the narration, you would need to go into more discretion of his surroundings especially when it's out of place of what is normal, and show how he was taking it all in, like was he feeling afraid, scared, curious or just amazed at all that he was seeing all those ponies around him.

Here is a quick example on how you could have gotten in describing his environment as well as communicating his thoughts at the time: Seeing all the craziness of a world of techno-colored talking ponies, that I was obviously dreaming, I decided to just take everything in strides and assumed that I was lucid and enjoyed exploring all the conjuring that my chaotic subconsciousness come up with. I saw naked horses walking like they were people, walking talking selling, even some were sporting a clothing cortical like a hat or a scarf, which just look all the more silly. As for others there where some flying in the air right above me with wings like the ones I had on my back, making them twitch in wanting to join them. There some with horns poking out of their forehead with a flow which seemed like they used to levitate things around them. I was just at Aww at all that I was seeing around me.

For the police officer part, I feel it could have been handled better, you don't just tackle a person on to the ground for just looking confused, and you don't just pile them on top of David for no apparent reasons, which would only make things worst, and you most certainly don't inject him with a sedative for that. While he was piled on by the guard in the original, the rest didn't follow and just doesn't makes sense at why the police would so brutally arrest him like that for not apparent reasons it is just excessive use of force. In the original, which I last read two years ago, it was well implied that David, why believing that he was dreaming, was being an ass and was very disruptive in public order with jumping on vendors stalls and and getting into other ponies faces with no respect of personal space, while screaming at the top of his lungs that they was impossible and that he was dreaming; which would easily make everyone assumed that he was being crazy. It can be infers that then the police pony tried to calm David down, and failed. He tired to arrest him for public misconduct, just David escaped and chased after him, and probably making even more of a recuse of things as he kept on stumbling into other ponies or stalls attracting even police run after him, which led to the dog pile, and get arrested and sedated after furiously resisting arrest.

I will give you props for making so that David was right in front of a psychiatric hospital.

Hope this helps