“So they want something in our world?” Sunset asks me as we lie down in my bed, cuddling up under the bed sheet. “What do they want?”
“I don’t know yet.” I answered. “But Sauron is also back and someone must have brought him back. I don’t think it’s the yaks, but I could be wrong, but I don’t think so. They won’t have the know how to do it. Someone else must be doing evil too.”
“Shouldn’t we save Equestria too?” Sunset asked and put a hand on my chest. “If the yaks have made it here, they must have beaten Equestria.”
“Yes. We must go there and save them.” I answered. “Celestia and Luna need me to save them.”
“I will cover for you in school tomorrow.” Sunset leaned closer and kissed me. “I don’t even know why you go anyway. You already know everything.”
“I was just wondering the same in school today.” I kiss her back, then wrap my arms around her. “I will go to Equestria first thing tomorrow. For now, how about another round?”
“Oh you.” Sunset grinned. “You need your rest.”
I kissed her again and she changed her mind.
I made sure I have everything I needed as I stood before the portal. I had to double back home once because I forgot my lightsaber but now that I had it, I was ready to go through.
Again, Sunset would look after Cream for me while I’m gone, but I hope not to be gone for long. All I have to do is save Equestria anyway.
Nodding to myself, I walk through the portal, appearing down a colorful tunnel and then appearing on the other side suddenly. I look at my hands to make sure I’m still human, then I run off through Twilight’s castle, using my lightning magic to speed away to Canterlot. I have princesses to save.
I arrived in Canterlot in, I’d say about seven minutes, which isn’t bad, and that’s when I noticed the place had seen better days. There were buildings knocked over and there was almost not one building standing that wasn’t broken. Everything was thrashed, and I could only guess who had done it.
“Those yaks…” I deduced with my super detective skills.
I stop my lightning and continue the rest of the way like a normal human. When I arrived at the castle, I had been right to do so. Instead of the usual pony guards standing around the castle, there were yaks instead. Yaks in grey armor and long red plumes sticking out the back of their helmets, some of them holding spears and bows. The green yak flag was hung down over the front of the castle.
Using my X-ray vision, I looked into the castle. There were even more yaks inside, but I wasn’t afraid. It only made me more determined to find out who was behind all this and put a stop to their evil plans. Crouching low, I sneak past all the guards on the outside, keeping just below their eyes so that they couldn’t see me.
“Did you see the new guys?” One of the yaks said to another as I crouched past. I stop to hear what they have to say.
“Yes, I heard they are mean fellows.” The other yak replied. “Better than what we can do.”
“Nothing is better than yaks.” The first one answered.
Nothing except me. I think, plotting how to get into the castle and rescue the princesses. But I do wonder what it is that can be better than yaks.
Waltzing past more of them towards the throne room, I then realize that I shouldn’t be sneaking past them, because here they are in Canterlot where they shouldn’t be. I should be getting rid of them instead.
From where I was, I brought out two lightning spears in both hands, then I threw them at two yaks who were standing by the side. They became dust in an instant. A few more yaks ran in from the doorway I had come from, but I vaporized one more in a flash.
“It’s John Wayne Cou-”
I didn’t let him finish and vaporized him too.
It seemed that more yaks had heard him, because they suddenly came in from around both sides of the hallway, with one wizard on each side.
“Kill him!” One Wizard said and fired a fireball at me.
I skillfully dodge it with a slide, then I use the Force to pull one side of the hallway’s yaks to me. The wizard flew the furthest and I destroyed him with one of my lightning spears.
It was nice to be able to throw them freely. That was another thing I was thankful for having, that unlimited magic points. Solaire had also been shocked to know that I could fire off so many lightning spears. He told me the average amount a human could use was twenty, but I could do it as many times as I wanted. I also didn’t know why, but Solaire had said I have a great destiny ahead, whatever it was, and so I had been blessed with more magic, or something.
The wizard behind filled the hallway with fireballs, but I leap over the other yaks on the other side and use them as cover, watching as the herd of ugly brown is set on fire. The danced around and tried to put out the fire, but then I take out my lightsaber and finish them all in one swipe.
“Bring in the others!” One yak yelled behind them.
The wizard stepped forward and fired more magic fire at me, but with my lightsaber, I waited till they were close and then cut them into two. I made my way towards them, cutting through all the fireballs, emerging unscathed each time as I got closer and closer. I grip my lightning behind me and after the next fireball I cut, I let it go and speed towards the wizard yak in that instant, catching it off guard and cutting it in half with my lightsaber. The remaining yaks were easy, but there were so many of them. It felt as though I had killed at least three thousand of them by now, and they hadn’t even managed to scratch me.
“You should just surrender. You can’t win.” I said.
“Release them!” One of the yaks said, then I cut its head off.
But suddenly from below, there was a faint rumbling. The yaks around me suddenly scurry away, as though they were running from something other than me.
A gray meaty arm burst out from the ground under me and tried to grab me, but I leapt away before it could touch me. Then the rest of its body followed and I realized what it was. It was a troll from Sauron’s army. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen one, but their size gets me every time.
The troll roared and then tried to smash me with its arm, but I dash through it, cutting off three of its meaty fingers. It roared again and spat at me, but I didn’t let it bother me and I threw a lightning spear at its belly. It fell back as a hole appeared through it.
“Easy peasy.” I say to myself. Nothing was too tough for me.
With all the yaks gone for the moment, I can go to the throne room, so I do. I throw the doors open hard and I walk up the carpet. There is a single yak sitting on the throne and he has a ball in his hoof. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna are in a cage beside him and their eyes are swirling.
“Release them and leave Canterlot!” I say and point my lightsaber at him.
“You are the one, John Wayne Cousins?” He asked. “You don’t look very heroic.”
“Trust me, I am very heroic.” I continue to point my lightsaber at him.
“You won’t be very heroic once I’m done with you.” He says. He lifts his ball. “Behold the Orb of Subjugation!”
It began to swirl a black and white and before I know it my eyes are also doing the same and I drop my lightsaber hand back to my side, though I still kept a hold on the lightsaber and it didn’t drop or turn off.
I suddenly find myself in a dark world where the only platform I’m standing on is a gray land of crags and there is a big tv screen to my left in the sky, where I am able to see myself being hypnotized by Henry’s ball.
“What happened?” I ask.
There is no one else in here but me, which probably meant everyone who got hypnotized would have their own world to inhabit while they watch themselves.
“Now how do I get out of here?” I ask myself.
There isn’t any doors or anything. This was within my mind.
I try to get out, throwing lightning spears all over the place to see if I could destroy anything, but nothing happens. I’m still here. Trapped.
“It is no use, you cannot escape!” Henry’s voice boomed from around me. “The Orb of Subjugation traps you to my bidding for all eternity. Unless I want to free you. It is how I have taken over Canterlot from the princesses and how I have also taken over the griffon and dragon lands. And it will also be how I will take over your human world too and everything beyond.”
“Oh.” I said. “But I will stop you.”
“You may be strong, John Wayne Cousins, but you are not stronger than the Orb of Subjugation.” He said.
“I am going to prove you wrong.”
I gather up all my lightning magic I can behind myself, tapping deep into my mana, holding it all back. When I felt it was enough, I release it all and it propels me into the tv screen with overwhelming force, shattering it in that instant. I suddenly find myself back in the throne room, with broken glass around my feet and a shocked yak king watching me with the ball in his hoof.
“How?” He asks. “You couldn’t. You shouldn’t. There’s no way you could have broken from my enchantment. Just who are you?”
“I am John Wayne Cousins.” I said, then I suddenly created a sunlight spear in my hand. It was bursting with power. “And I am Canterlot’s savior!”
Henry raised his orb up to try to subjugate me again, but I threw my sunlight spear and it pierced right through the orb as it started to activate and it blew into a million shards and threw him back against the throne with a smash. Then he slides to the ground and groans.
I watched him try to get up, then I walked over and used my magic to create a desert eagle pistol in my hand, pointing it at Henry’s ugly brown head.
“Your reign is over.” I said. “Now tell me why you teamed up with Sauron and how he’s even still alive.”
“It’s because…” Henry smiles. “This is all a diversion and you know nothing, John Wayne Cousins.”
“What are you talking about.” I point my desert eagle at his head.
“It’s already done. Ask your princesses.”
Before I check on the princesses I know Henry will try to run when I turn my back on him, so I put a bullet between his horns first and he falls to the ground with the bang of my gun.
Princess Celestia and Princess Luna no longer have the swirly eyes but they’re rubbing their heads and groaning.
“Are you two okay?” I ask them.
“Oh good, John, you’re here to save us.” Princess Luna said.
“We knew you would. You were trained to save us all.” Princess Celestia rubbed her nose. “But we might be too late. Henry was only but a pawn.”
“Yes, he was working with Sauron.” I throw my gun and it disappears back into my magic inventory. “He says you know why.”
Princess Celestia nodded. “Sauron needed us out of the way. It seems after you had destroyed him at Mount Doom, Gwyn, the Lord of Sunlight from Lordran came and brought him back to life with the power of the sun that they have taken from me and Luna. Sauron intends to rebuild his army and with Gwyn’s help and without a weak point such as the one ring, it will be difficult.”
“I can handle it.” I squeeze my fists. “I have been prepared by you and all my mentors to one day save the world. This must be it. I will do Solaire proud and defeat Gwyn too. I will travel to Lordran tomorrow.”
“Don’t forget your relative.” Celestia reminded me.
“Of course not.” I smile. Twilight was an important family member and she was there to support me. I wouldn’t go anywhere without her. “Don’t worry. I’ll get your powers back and I’ll beat all the bad guys.”
10137715
Thank you for trying to tell me you’re not antagonistic. But I need to ask what you mean by some of your words:
What do you mean, because everyones stories have real life objects like chairs and tables and school buildings or pens and pencils.
Also don’t know what you’re trying to say here. You want my character to be more fantastic?
As for some nouns are adverbs, could you give me an example of where one is, I was looking through but I don’t know which you mean.
And yes thank you for telling me problems, I been asking but no one wants to tell me except a few here, thank you for also telling me good points. I am inspired by Jakub, so I took elements from his stories, they’re interesting.
10137715
Hi can you clarify.
10140391
What do you mean by that? I'm still in school.
10138457
It gets real, like the Nintendo switch from Chapter 4. And their universe is not in ours so it's a reasonable for me to say that
And also describe things simply when they're not part from the plot, its a convenient little trick.
No, What I mean is to mold the character. The first Chapter was strange, there was just a guy upped and saved the day with no context of how he was related to Twilight and suddenly seduced Sunset Shimmer. Like really fast, In romance, you would want the readers to participate in their journey, they're in love and it needs to be tested against people who wants to discourage it or events
Also don't forget character development, ever heard of it?
Read the whole fic out loud, then you'll find holes in it. accord them.
You're welcome, y'know? You certainly got that youthful energy and confidence with a keyboard. And also don't forget to read some books too
10143458
Ok, so you don’t want me to use things like a Nintendo Switch in their world, and what you mean is to actually call it something else, like say, Samtendo Snitch?
And ok I’ll try to go over more backstory and describe more things. I really don’t know about the nouns and adverbs. Could you just list one or two for me? Preferably two, so that there are more examples of what I need to change. Thanks for the help, and I’m also curious as to what you mean by ‘confidence with a keyboard’, if you could explain that to me.
10138457
No, she means that people don't want to see a personality similar to the author. They want to see a unique character.
Not to be mean, or to come off as rude or anything, but shouldn't you have learned adverbs and nouns in like, grade three?
I'm going to voice out my opinions, please don't take it personally. The people here aren't making fun of you, as you said in your blog post. They are trying to help.
You need longer chapters, more descriptions, character development, and an actual plot. A story never works if there isn't a plot. And seeing how you don't understand what most of these people mean by character development, and when they are trying to help you with your grammar...How old are you?
Again, grammar, no plot, terrible descriptions, and no character development between any character at all.
It needs a 'crossover' tag too.
This blog post by Blue Shift can give you some tips.
10143834
Thank you for your feedback. There was a guy who made fun of me not going to school or something. He has since deleted his comment. And yes, Karnazom has cleared most of it up with me, and it’s not that I don’t know about nouns or adverbs. I just want to know which parts I have adverbs instead of nouns, because either I’m blind, or maybe you’re right and I don’t know what an adverb is after all.
As for having no plot, I’m curious as to why many say I do not have a plot. My story is inspired by Jakub’s story, if you’ve read that, so I’ve adopted some of his elements into mine. My plot is different from his, with mine having a world domination plot that John has to fight against, while at the same time, getting Celestia and Luna’s powers back before all is lost. Isn’t that a plot? Jakub’s plot is also good, but the story isn’t the same. Jakub’s story is also more well-received, and I’m also not sure what’s the difference. Perhaps you could shed some light on that mystery for me.
And thanks for the rest of the feedback. I’ll try to make my chapters longer and describe things more, like Karnazom has said. I’ll also try my hand at more character development. I’m sorry if there isn’t any, I’m aspergers and I don’t have character myself. We’re more of robots than actual human beings, but I’m trying my best.
10143834
Oh yes, and I do have the crossover tag.
10143891
And that’s were on of the biggest mistakes is my friend, you adopted some elements from my story into your’s, causing it to be more of a power trip then anything.
If you’re wanting to write about someone with power then try to have a reason why the character of the story has to have power.
Another thing I like to point out is the lack of character development, your OC doesn’t have that, he just somehow learned from the people you said in the description without a reason.
I myself started off like that until I realised that I cannot have a character that knows things just because he had no reason to, until I started to change things within the story to develop something more then just a stone character that has no weaknesses, I made a character that has character development done to him, such as his fears, his nightmares, his losses. Understand that without character development you have a perfect oc, which is bad as they are nicknamed Gary/Mary Sue (depending on gender), but in reality an OC can’t be perfect or else you get a Gary sue or Mary Sue.
I know you’re probably going to hate me for saying all of this, but sadly it’s the truth.
I would highly recommend reading stories made by Tatsurou as he makes cool stories with great examples of character development.
10144397
I suppose you're right. What was your character's reason for power again? I'll try to take some inspiration again, if you don't mind.
And yes, I am implementing some weakness, a little like what I've seen from yours too. Panic issues and such and trying to remember his past.
And no, I don't hate you, you're my inspiration, and so I will continue to try to improve.
10143891
The reason why is because you're character is all over the place, and there is no particular theme to the story. It just has you're character going around to random places and doing random things that aren't related to the other. I hope that was helpful.
10162996
Please can you tell me what I'm doing different from this story? No one wants to tell me. They either stop replying or they beat around the bush. Jakub's story inspired me and I know I shouldn't follow, according to many, and yes I'm trying to move away in my current chapter, but why do people like his and not mine? Please tell me.
10164870
Please if you can make the time, have a read of the story and let me know? I really want to know what I’m missing, since his story is doing remarkably well. I’m trying to deviate now, but I guess my first four chapters are like Jakub’s still, in terms of inspiration.
10168044
Yes I accept your comment about it being slower paced. Mine kind of goes right into a takeover plot just about immediately. So yes, I'll try to take it slower.
As for doesn't have many crossovers, well, yes. There's more than just what's listed here, by the way, so I thought it was a cool idea to throw a bunch of things together too.
Ok, hold up. Grammar is a bit better. No offense to Jakub, but... the story's grammar wasn't always that good. It's been edited. I guess it's time to edit mine. But come on, really? Better grammar? No offense to you too, but I'm pretty sure I have grammar to even surpass yours. Again, no offense. Just an observation.
And as for the powers thing, I see it. I'll try to go over them more with some background in my future chapters.
You've given me more to think about, but as for how Sunset's Guardian Angel is doing so much better, well, nothing concrete yet. It can't just be a slow plot, because really, the plot is quite slow.
10168221
Yes thank you. I will try to make this story better as I learn more about typing. Danke. You too.