• Member Since 19th Feb, 2019
  • offline last seen 7 minutes ago

Jakub Dash


A polish brony since the release of equestria girls. I’m also a huge fan of the kingdom hearts series and sonic the hedgehog. Also I love nightcore songs.

T

Pain, Loss, adventure, friends and Survival, all of those things I took up when I left Equestria, just to become strong, to protect the ones I love and those that are my friends.

Never have I thought that those things would change me to the teenager that I am as of now.

Twilight, Mom, Dad, Shining, Cadence and you Aunt Celestia I wish you could see me when I was taking that path but, you probably would have stopped me before taking it.

Sora I know you probably don't know me but, I'm your brother.
All those years I've spent knowing you passed away only to find out that you were alive in another world was a mix of emotions, but to be lied to for all those years by our Aunt Celestia and by King Mickey (who is my master) made me angry.
But now that I know you're safe and with Donald and Goofy, I can finally start preparing myself for our meeting, I don't know when we'll meet but if you ever need help, My door is always open to you.

I guess traveling to different worlds wasn't a bad idea after all.
Yerhnam, Lucis, Radiant Garden and others too, each world I visited thought me a new way of fighting or a new spell or style of combat.

I was a student of the first Hunter, the chosen king's friend and loyal comrade, the one winged angle's friend and a keyblade master's Apprentice.



This story will mainly take place during the events of Equestria Girls movies and between them but the first chapters will be set before equestria girls also there will be some flashbacks from the protagonists Jakub about his life when he was in other worlds.

Cover art was made by Marking an artist here on fimfiction all credit goes to him for making the newer cover images that will also be my new profile picture from now on

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 54 )

Okay I guess it’s a very bad written prologue but hear me out I’ll try and make some explanation about the link between Twilight and Jakub in the the second chapter and if anyone thinks this is a bad idea that’s your choice not mine but the later chapters will include a bit of back story to Jakub plus if you have any ideas for something for the story let me know and if you’re questioning who is the third brother then let me hint you his name starts with an S

The first name that popped in my head was starlight but she is a mare:twilightoops:

9558191
Here’s a hint he goes on adventures with the king’s court wizard and the captain of the royal knights who got hit with a rock and this boy thought the captain was dead

Also anyone who’s wondering who are the mentors for Jakub I’m going to tell you right now.
Gehrman from Bloodborne was the first mentor for Jakub when he was 10 years old.
Ignis Scientia from final Fantasy xv was the second mentor for Jakub when he was 11 years old who thought him to warp strike and summon weapons like Noctis but later after becoming blind the responsibility for teaching Jakub went to Cor when Jakub came back to Lucis at the age of 12 but here’s the thing Jakub came back after nine years pass since Noctis disappears this is just before the end of the comrades dlc in the game meaning Jakub had one year of training from cor. Basically Jakub didn’t age after the two years pass in lucis because of his genetics and the time that passed in the human equestria was only a month and a half meaning that Jakub only aged that much.
The fourth and fifth mentors were Cloud and Sephiroth (the kingdom hearts versions of them) both of them teaching Jakub a different special attack at the age of 15. Cross-slash from cloud and Swift strike and Calamitous Ray from Sephiroth. Both Cloud and Sephiroth stopped their rivalry to teach Jakub and after Jakub asks them who’s going to tell Aqua that Zack is dead. They look at each other a notice that both of them are sweating like mad because both know that Zack told them at least once about the girl he met in Olympus Coliseum.
Finally the last mentor is Mickey who thought Jakub how to wield a Keyblade properly and thought him flowmotion.

Well that definitely was a long description

9558414
Feel like it would be better to incorporate those as later story elements

9560897
I actually wanted the knowledge of the mentors to showed now then having it be told when a specific mentor appears and technically speaking Gehrman is actually dead so he can’t appear in the story to talk about his experience with Jakub. But I can promise you that they other mentors apart from Gehrman and cor will actually appear in the story as in actually talking in it

Okay I understand that those of you who disliked this fanfic have something to say but before you say it let me tell you that I DON’T CARE FOR THOSE DISLIKES FOR THIS FANFIC SO DISLIKE ALL YOU WHAT I’M NOT GOING TO STOP WRITING BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE DON’T LIKE SOMETHING THAT WILL BE GOOD LATER ON AND TO TELL THE TRUTH I WORKED HARD ON THINKING WHAT TO WRITE FOR THE CHAPTERS THAT HVAE BEEN WRITTEN AND THOSE THAT WILL COME LATER SO YOU CAN NOT READ IT OR CAN ASK WHATS THE PLOT FOR THIS FANFIC!!!!!!!!!!
And those of you who like this fanfic I appreciate the love for it it took me a long time to change the errors before submitting and if you have any ideas for me to add to a chapter just please let me know and I will give credit to you and to anyone who helps you.

9561977
Fix ye grammar.

Its a...... Decent. Idea.

But grammar, spacing and wording needs work. Especially wording.

Also the way you write out certain ideas is unnaturally cliche. In that sense that it turns people off and-no offense-sounds like an offhand edgy powerfantasy.

There are ways to portray cliches well but you use next to none of these methods and while I give you an A on grammar and punctuation, I'm afraid that your content is rather lackluster.

Read some good stuff if you want a few guides.

Like

GIUIO

Rune Soldier Dan

Akumokagetsu(his one shotting skills are amazing)

Slywolf930

RainbowBob

Thecaptainacobskicorncob

Holy

Church

Whiskeylullaby

These guys are good in my opinion.

9562018
Thanks for the tip but I have my own way of writing and to be honest I’m writing on an iPad so that’s also kind of the problem but if you think I need to work on wording it’s my own way of writing.

Plus I had a lot of work fixing some errors before submitting this so others can read it.

Ok, so I'm guessing you're fairly young. You also stated that this was your first story. Keeping that in mind, here's my advice. Not saying you have to do any of this, as it IS your story, but these are just some tips to take into consideration.

OCs, in and of themselves, aren't usually a problem. Hell, some OCs, like FlufflePuff and Nyx, have become so popular, that they've spawned fan works of their own. However, when you start making your OC a flawless character that everypony loves, a lot of people tend to be a bit put off. This isn't just in the mlp fandom, either. I've seen the same reaction to these types of OCs in other fandoms as well.

One of the main reasons is that these OCs lack character progression. If they are perfect, then readers have a much harder time relating to them. It also makes us not worry if the character is in potential danger because, in this case, we KNOW that Twilight or Sunset will swoop in and save him if he's ever in trouble. This also means that the OC will have likely learned nothing from the experience.

Now, what makes an OC even worse to many others? When said OC is a self insert. To many, this kind of move makes the author seem arrogant. Some might look at it as you being self centered to the point that you made yourself an alicorn prince that "just so happens" to be Twilight's brother and "just so happens" to bffs with Sunset. NOT calling you arrogant, just stating that this is how some readers might see it.

My advice? Give him some flaws. Make the reader WANT to cheer him on and see him grow as a character. Have him screw up sometimes and be forced to deal with the consequences of said screw ups.

Remember: Perfect character = BORING character.

Oh, and for the love of Celestia, find an editor! There are many great editors on FimFiction that would be more then happy to help.

I'll end with a quote from Monika from DDLC:

"...That's my advice for today! Thanks for listening~"

9565076
Actually the next chapter will have a some of the flaws revealed for my oc as in the story’s prologue he’s the guardian angel meaning he has to keep his secret identity from almost everyone except the police department, Rose, Nyx, Luna and Celestia but one flaw for him is the fact that friendship that’s formed between different worlds can hurt and no not everyone loves my oc for instance Gilda later on Principle Chinch not to mention Vanitas who as you read said “So a Keyblade wielder in a different universe then my own world still it’s surprising that you bare the Keyblade but I should warn you kid get in my way and you’ll pay with your life” needles to say he technically made Vanitas an enemy. There’s also a reason why Jakub kept looking for new mentors is that well I’m not going to spoil this part because it’ll be in chapter two but the reason he kept looking for new mentors is because he couldn’t protect someone that took care of him and saw that person die in front of him needless to say you can guess who I’m talking about if you played the game and said No.
Plus I think I will need to find an editor but I don’t know if they’ll accept being an editor for this fanfic.

So has anyone guessed who the third brother is?

Okay who’s the person putting a dislike on the comments I said and please tell why are you putting a dislike on them in the first place?

Okay I need some help to be fair I’m looking for a editor that’ll be happy to help me with this

Still don't care about those dislikes

Why does this story have so many dislikes? I mean, it can't be that bad, right? ...Right?
9565076
What's DDLC?

9726172
It depends most people dislike it because of how bad it's written others because it needs an editor.

Comment posted by CruddyCrowofCainhurst deleted Last Wednesday
Comment posted by Jakub Dash deleted Last Wednesday
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Comment posted by CruddyCrowofCainhurst deleted Last Wednesday

Just stumbled across this story

Ratings aren't fantastic, but i'll give it a read

what's up with all the deleted comments?

9735860
A conversation I didn't what to have because of someone's opinion and that said person said my cat died.

I don't have a cat it ran away from home and I did have a dog but he had to be put down since he was sick.

9735860
It's because he can't handle people telling him what he needs to fix in this story, so he just tries to remove the evidence and acts like it's all fine. Which it isn't, not by a long shot.:eeyup:

9735898
And oooooh, I have an opinion? Better delete it even if it's a valid criticism, it's too scary for you~

9736164
I admit the story does need work in a couple of departments... What kind of criticism did you offer? It's not the worst thing I've ever read

9736164
You know what I'm going to ignore you from now on.

9736200
Commas that are missing.
Also THANK YOU for saying my story isn't bad.

9736248
And here it is again, folks! A writer who thinks he's always right and refuses to listen to criticism. Putting his fingers in his ears and acting like it's all fine. I had some actual good points, admit it. It's not just about the commas, buddy. There is way, way, way more to harp on than just punctuation, though that is also a big problem. But if you'd rather just pretend that us critics don't exist, this story is going nowhere fast. And that's the honest truth. :rainbowwild:

9736314
Then how about you make a story I dare you if you're all proud of doing your Job and not showing a writer where the problem is by just saying it not showing.

Also would you point out where a comma wasn't placed if you could unless you're lazy and just like ranting about things and not even helping the person your criticizing.

9736347

Nice try. I don't need to be a chef to know when food tastes like garbage, and I don't need to be an author to know when a story is just plain embarrassing, which this one is. If the world ran by your misguided logic, only people in their respective fields would be able to criticize their work, and that's just not how it goes. What's next, I gotta make a movie to criticize one? LOL :facehoof:

You want me to show you where commas and such should be placed? Okay, let's start with the first sentence of your description, shall we?

My name is Jakub Sparkle Dash (comma) and (comma) well(comma) I messed up my life at the age of four with an accidental memory spell I put on my sister (comma) Twilight Sparkle (comma) and my parents (period) that It made them forget me entirely (comma) but those memories are locked away until tTwilight is older (period) Pplus (comma) me and her have a link between each other that if she was to turn into an Alicorn (comma) I would as well (comma) but we also have another brother that was born at the same time as me and t Twilight (comma) but for some reason his birth certificate says that he is dead (comma) but I don’t believe that.

Too complicated for you? Let me break it down.

My name is Jakub Sparkle Dash, and, well, I messed up my life at the age of four with an accidental memory spell I put on my sister, Twilight Sparkle, and my parents. It made them forget me entirely, but those memories are locked away until Twilight is older. Plus, me and her have a link between each other that if she was to turn into an Alicorn, I would as well, but we also have another brother that was born at the same time as me and Twilight, but for some reason his birth certificate says that he is dead, but I don’t believe that.

And that's only the punctuation for the first part of your description. Barely even scratching the tip of a very big iceberg. I'm not even going to get into the plot issues and the main character just yet, because a story needs to be legible before anyone can talk about the plot and characters.

9736248
yeah, some commas are missing that makes it a little hard to read in places. do you have an editor?

Comment posted by Russian Bank Teller deleted Last Friday
Comment posted by Jakub Dash deleted Last Friday
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Comment posted by Jakub Dash deleted Last Friday
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Comment posted by Russian Bank Teller deleted Last Friday

So you redid the description and added some commas. Maybe you're not a completely lost cause after all. Some of them are in the wrong places and there are questionable points of punctuation, but I'll save that for later. What concerns me now is that the description tells me little to nothing about the story's contents. To quote Derek Landy, "You talk an awful lot, and you say precious little".

Comment posted by Jakub Dash deleted Sunday
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