I’ve been having these weird thoughts lately, like is any of this for real or not?
That’s the question Jakub Sparkle Dash has been asking himself ever since he left Equestria. He left his Family who didn’t know him because of a memory spell gone wrong (with the exception of Shining Armour).
Jakub realises that Power isn’t everything as he trained with different people who had a different view of power, some said that power is used to protect those around you, other said that it’s a curse that will change you forever.
The Keyblade chose Jakub for a reason, but what is the reason he doesn’t know, yet.
On the other hand he must face trials that will forever change who he was when he lived in Equestria, one of those has already happened, he became a Skilled Killer, a grim reaper if you were to face him during the night.
His family and friends are what he cares about the most.
He would risk his own Life to save his loved one, even if it ment his own death.
But, Jakub will face an ultimate test to show if he truly is worthy of being a Keyblade Master.
Cover art was made by Marking an artist here on fimfiction all credit goes to him for making the newer cover images.
as for the editor pf this story, well i can't realy say if there is a permanent editor for this fic as of right now, but for now Jaxxon Markus Citadel is filling in the role of editor for this fic.
Okay I guess it’s a very bad written prologue but hear me out I’ll try and make some explanation about the link between Twilight and Jakub in the the second chapter and if anyone thinks this is a bad idea that’s your choice not mine but the later chapters will include a bit of back story to Jakub plus if you have any ideas for something for the story let me know and if you’re questioning who is the third brother then let me hint you his name starts with an S
The first name that popped in my head was starlight but she is a mare
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Here’s a hint he goes on adventures with the king’s court wizard and the captain of the royal knights who got hit with a rock and this boy thought the captain was dead
Also anyone who’s wondering who are the mentors for Jakub I’m going to tell you right now.
Gehrman from Bloodborne was the first mentor for Jakub when he was 10 years old.
Ignis Scientia from final Fantasy xv was the second mentor for Jakub when he was 11 years old who thought him to warp strike and summon weapons like Noctis but later after becoming blind the responsibility for teaching Jakub went to Cor when Jakub came back to Lucis at the age of 12 but here’s the thing Jakub came back after nine years pass since Noctis disappears this is just before the end of the comrades dlc in the game meaning Jakub had one year of training from cor. Basically Jakub didn’t age after the two years pass in lucis because of his genetics and the time that passed in the human equestria was only a month and a half meaning that Jakub only aged that much.
The fourth and fifth mentors were Cloud and Sephiroth (the kingdom hearts versions of them) both of them teaching Jakub a different special attack at the age of 15. Cross-slash from cloud and Swift strike and Calamitous Ray from Sephiroth. Both Cloud and Sephiroth stopped their rivalry to teach Jakub and after Jakub asks them who’s going to tell Aqua that Zack is dead. They look at each other a notice that both of them are sweating like mad because both know that Zack told them at least once about the girl he met in Olympus Coliseum.
Finally the last mentor is Mickey who thought Jakub how to wield a Keyblade properly and thought him flowmotion.
Well that definitely was a long description
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Feel like it would be better to incorporate those as later story elements
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I actually wanted the knowledge of the mentors to showed now then having it be told when a specific mentor appears and technically speaking Gehrman is actually dead so he can’t appear in the story to talk about his experience with Jakub. But I can promise you that they other mentors apart from Gehrman and cor will actually appear in the story as in actually talking in it
9561977
Fix ye grammar.
Its a...... Decent. Idea.
But grammar, spacing and wording needs work. Especially wording.
Also the way you write out certain ideas is unnaturally cliche. In that sense that it turns people off and-no offense-sounds like an offhand edgy powerfantasy.
There are ways to portray cliches well but you use next to none of these methods and while I give you an A on grammar and punctuation, I'm afraid that your content is rather lackluster.
Read some good stuff if you want a few guides.
Like
GIUIO
Rune Soldier Dan
Akumokagetsu(his one shotting skills are amazing)
Slywolf930
RainbowBob
Thecaptainacobskicorncob
Holy
Church
Whiskeylullaby
These guys are good in my opinion.
Ok, so I'm guessing you're fairly young. You also stated that this was your first story. Keeping that in mind, here's my advice. Not saying you have to do any of this, as it IS your story, but these are just some tips to take into consideration.
OCs, in and of themselves, aren't usually a problem. Hell, some OCs, like FlufflePuff and Nyx, have become so popular, that they've spawned fan works of their own. However, when you start making your OC a flawless character that everypony loves, a lot of people tend to be a bit put off. This isn't just in the mlp fandom, either. I've seen the same reaction to these types of OCs in other fandoms as well.
One of the main reasons is that these OCs lack character progression. If they are perfect, then readers have a much harder time relating to them. It also makes us not worry if the character is in potential danger because, in this case, we KNOW that Twilight or Sunset will swoop in and save him if he's ever in trouble. This also means that the OC will have likely learned nothing from the experience.
Now, what makes an OC even worse to many others? When said OC is a self insert. To many, this kind of move makes the author seem arrogant. Some might look at it as you being self centered to the point that you made yourself an alicorn prince that "just so happens" to be Twilight's brother and "just so happens" to bffs with Sunset. NOT calling you arrogant, just stating that this is how some readers might see it.
My advice? Give him some flaws. Make the reader WANT to cheer him on and see him grow as a character. Have him screw up sometimes and be forced to deal with the consequences of said screw ups.
Remember: Perfect character = BORING character.
Oh, and for the love of Celestia, find an editor! There are many great editors on FimFiction that would be more then happy to help.
I'll end with a quote from Monika from DDLC:
"...That's my advice for today! Thanks for listening~"
Okay I need some help to be fair I’m looking for a editor that’ll be happy to help me with this
Why does this story have so many dislikes? I mean, it can't be that bad, right? ...Right?
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What's DDLC?
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It depends most people dislike it because of how bad it's written others because it needs an editor.
Just stumbled across this story
Ratings aren't fantastic, but i'll give it a read
what's up with all the deleted comments?
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A conversation I didn't what to have because of someone's opinion and that said person said my cat died.
I don't have a cat it ran away from home and I did have a dog but he had to be put down since he was sick.
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I admit the story does need work in a couple of departments... What kind of criticism did you offer? It's not the worst thing I've ever read
9736164
You know what I'm going to ignore you from now on.
9736200
Commas that are missing.
Also THANK YOU for saying my story isn't bad.
9736248
yeah, some commas are missing that makes it a little hard to read in places. do you have an editor?