• Member Since 13th Feb, 2020
  • offline last seen November 18th

Subsistence


Nightmares never end.

T

When I was younger, my relatives whisked me away to a far away land to train in the arts of different masters to one day protect the land that I love. so I was self taught by the old school masters. I trained under Solaire of the Sunlight Warriors in the art of Lighting Making and miracles, gun combat and climbing by Nathan Drake, as well as magic by Gandalf. Each of them I trained with told me I advanced faster than any known student and that there was something special about me that I will one day know it. I knew that one day I would have to put all these skills to use to help people as Canterlot's Savior. Because of my genetics and time magic, I did not age past 15 years old.

I am also the relative of Twilight Sparkle, and my girlfriend is Sunset Shimmer or will one day be. I don't remember my parents, and my relatives have looked after me since their disappearance. I retained no memory from before seven years old.

And this is my adventure, where a herd of ugly brown yaks come through the portal. I have to stop them and I will learn of my destiny and why I had been trained for but I will also learn of an evil plot that will endanger my world and all other worlds, and I will have to save it or die trying.

I am inspired by Jakub, even if he is not a good writer. This one is for you Jakub. PS I will also need a better cover picture.

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 34 )

Oh boy. You're making a lot of the same mistakes as Jakub does, and that's just the description. Which never speaks well for the story as far as I've seen.

10095051
What do you mean Jakub is one of the best Writers on this website, if its a mistake its just something you have to look deeper in, there’s a meaning behind everything.

10095314
What I'm saying is that the description tells me nothing about the story itself. Just the main character. Which is something that fits more in the story itself.

The description is supposed to drawn people into reading the story by explaining something about the plot or something vital to the story. Maybe not everything, but enough to get people interested.

Jakub does that with their descriptions.

10095337

10096713

Agreed, I needed to change my description three times, the first two didn’t explain what will happen in the story/basic plot.

As for the chapter of my fic, I personally feel like things could change within each chapter.
I highly recommend a proofreader or an Editor or both.
I also recommend reading other fics then just my fic.
Finally you can’t say I’m the best writer here on this website because that’s not true.
And before I go I want to say this, don’t go the same direction as I’m going with writing a story because that will lead to failure.

10097210
You're really getting it now! Good on you for learning how to improve your story. Always good to see a fellow user learning. :twilightsmile:

As for this story... well, I don't have the time to play proofreader for more than one guy at once. Let's just leave it at that.

This story is not bad.
I like Dark Soul too, I will there be more dark Soul boss to see?

10132338
I don’t want to spoil much but I plan on adding Gwyn in to team up with Sauron later on to rule the world. Thank you for saying my story isn’t bad. Not many people seem to like it.

Sorry, but don't interpret this as antagonistic but rather as a stern.

Your story involved some or most real life objects, The character is unknown because of the supercharged development also a Mary Sue --The Sue parts are badly sewn together to create a idealistic human as in a dissected mannerism from the authors personality rather than a fantasticaly character of fiction.

Some nouns are adverbs, the pacing is an ideal one (To be honest, It surprised me). And the Protagonist is a bit teeny weird, And finally the dialogues are... Acceptable.

Sorry, but I had to. Even when no one is saying this , I still have to. I you want to improve and build a foundation on your writing skills. If you want help? Seek it.

10137715
Thank you for trying to tell me you’re not antagonistic. But I need to ask what you mean by some of your words:

Your story involved some or most real life objects

What do you mean, because everyones stories have real life objects like chairs and tables and school buildings or pens and pencils.

dissected mannerism from the authors personality rather than a fantasticaly character of fiction.

Also don’t know what you’re trying to say here. You want my character to be more fantastic?

As for some nouns are adverbs, could you give me an example of where one is, I was looking through but I don’t know which you mean.

And yes thank you for telling me problems, I been asking but no one wants to tell me except a few here, thank you for also telling me good points. I am inspired by Jakub, so I took elements from his stories, they’re interesting.

Comment posted by Dungeoneer deleted Mar 22nd, 2020

10140391
What do you mean by that? I'm still in school.

10138457

What do you mean, because everyones stories have real life objects like chairs and tables and school buildings or pens and pencils.

It gets real, like the Nintendo switch from Chapter 4. And their universe is not in ours so it's a reasonable for me to say that
And also describe things simply when they're not part from the plot, its a convenient little trick.

Also don’t know what you’re trying to say here. You want my character to be more fantastic?

No, What I mean is to mold the character. The first Chapter was strange, there was just a guy upped and saved the day with no context of how he was related to Twilight and suddenly seduced Sunset Shimmer. Like really fast, In romance, you would want the readers to participate in their journey, they're in love and it needs to be tested against people who wants to discourage it or events
Also don't forget character development, ever heard of it?

As for some nouns are adverbs, could you give me an example of where one is, I was looking through but I don’t know which you mean.

Read the whole fic out loud, then you'll find holes in it. accord them.

And yes thank you for telling me problems, I been asking but no one wants to tell me except a few here, thank you for also telling me good points. I am inspired by Jakub, so I took elements from his stories, they’re interesting.

You're welcome, y'know? You certainly got that youthful energy and confidence with a keyboard. And also don't forget to read some books too :twilightsmile:

10143458
Ok, so you don’t want me to use things like a Nintendo Switch in their world, and what you mean is to actually call it something else, like say, Samtendo Snitch?
And ok I’ll try to go over more backstory and describe more things. I really don’t know about the nouns and adverbs. Could you just list one or two for me? Preferably two, so that there are more examples of what I need to change. Thanks for the help, and I’m also curious as to what you mean by ‘confidence with a keyboard’, if you could explain that to me.

I woke up that morning with a smile on my face. It seems that today was going to be a good day because it was a weekend and I did not need to go to school. I jumped out of bed and pulled on my rayquaza patterned jeans and a batman t shirt before going to have a shower and wash up.

't-shirt'

10097409
there is a free software called Grammarly that can help you with your grammar problems.

10138457

Also don’t know what you’re trying to say here. You want my character to be more fantastic?

No, she means that people don't want to see a personality similar to the author. They want to see a unique character.

As for some nouns are adverbs, could you give me an example of where one is, I was looking through but I don’t know which you mean.

Not to be mean, or to come off as rude or anything, but shouldn't you have learned adverbs and nouns in like, grade three?

I'm going to voice out my opinions, please don't take it personally. The people here aren't making fun of you, as you said in your blog post. They are trying to help.
You need longer chapters, more descriptions, character development, and an actual plot. A story never works if there isn't a plot. And seeing how you don't understand what most of these people mean by character development, and when they are trying to help you with your grammar...How old are you?

To those that read and don't like, please tell me why you don't like the story.
To those that read and like, THANK YOU for liking my story.

Again, grammar, no plot, terrible descriptions, and no character development between any character at all.
It needs a 'crossover' tag too.
This blog post by Blue Shift can give you some tips.

10143834
Thank you for your feedback. There was a guy who made fun of me not going to school or something. He has since deleted his comment. And yes, Karnazom has cleared most of it up with me, and it’s not that I don’t know about nouns or adverbs. I just want to know which parts I have adverbs instead of nouns, because either I’m blind, or maybe you’re right and I don’t know what an adverb is after all.

As for having no plot, I’m curious as to why many say I do not have a plot. My story is inspired by Jakub’s story, if you’ve read that, so I’ve adopted some of his elements into mine. My plot is different from his, with mine having a world domination plot that John has to fight against, while at the same time, getting Celestia and Luna’s powers back before all is lost. Isn’t that a plot? Jakub’s plot is also good, but the story isn’t the same. Jakub’s story is also more well-received, and I’m also not sure what’s the difference. Perhaps you could shed some light on that mystery for me.

And thanks for the rest of the feedback. I’ll try to make my chapters longer and describe things more, like Karnazom has said. I’ll also try my hand at more character development. I’m sorry if there isn’t any, I’m aspergers and I don’t have character myself. We’re more of robots than actual human beings, but I’m trying my best.

10143891

My story is inspired by Jakub’s story, if you’ve read that, so I’ve adopted some of his elements into mine. My plot is different from his, with mine having a world domination plot that John has to fight against, while at the same time, getting Celestia and Luna’s powers back before all is lost.

And that’s were on of the biggest mistakes is my friend, you adopted some elements from my story into your’s, causing it to be more of a power trip then anything.

If you’re wanting to write about someone with power then try to have a reason why the character of the story has to have power.

Another thing I like to point out is the lack of character development, your OC doesn’t have that, he just somehow learned from the people you said in the description without a reason.

I myself started off like that until I realised that I cannot have a character that knows things just because he had no reason to, until I started to change things within the story to develop something more then just a stone character that has no weaknesses, I made a character that has character development done to him, such as his fears, his nightmares, his losses. Understand that without character development you have a perfect oc, which is bad as they are nicknamed Gary/Mary Sue (depending on gender), but in reality an OC can’t be perfect or else you get a Gary sue or Mary Sue.

I know you’re probably going to hate me for saying all of this, but sadly it’s the truth.

I would highly recommend reading stories made by Tatsurou as he makes cool stories with great examples of character development.

10144397
I suppose you're right. What was your character's reason for power again? I'll try to take some inspiration again, if you don't mind.
And yes, I am implementing some weakness, a little like what I've seen from yours too. Panic issues and such and trying to remember his past.
And no, I don't hate you, you're my inspiration, and so I will continue to try to improve.

10143891

As for having no plot, I’m curious as to why many say I do not have a plot. My story is inspired by Jakub’s story, if you’ve read that, so I’ve adopted some of his elements into mine. My plot is different from his, with mine having a world domination plot that John has to fight against, while at the same time, getting Celestia and Luna’s powers back before all is lost. Isn’t that a plot? Jakub’s plot is also good, but the story isn’t the same. Jakub’s story is also more well-received, and I’m also not sure what’s the difference. Perhaps you could shed some light on that mystery for me.

The reason why is because you're character is all over the place, and there is no particular theme to the story. It just has you're character going around to random places and doing random things that aren't related to the other. I hope that was helpful.

10162996
Please can you tell me what I'm doing different from this story? No one wants to tell me. They either stop replying or they beat around the bush. Jakub's story inspired me and I know I shouldn't follow, according to many, and yes I'm trying to move away in my current chapter, but why do people like his and not mine? Please tell me.

10164870
Please if you can make the time, have a read of the story and let me know? I really want to know what I’m missing, since his story is doing remarkably well. I’m trying to deviate now, but I guess my first four chapters are like Jakub’s still, in terms of inspiration.

10168044
Yes I accept your comment about it being slower paced. Mine kind of goes right into a takeover plot just about immediately. So yes, I'll try to take it slower.

Also anyone who’s wondering who are the mentors for Jakub I’m going to tell you right now.
Gehrman from Bloodborne was the first mentor for Jakub when he was 10 years old.
Ignis Scientia from final Fantasy xv was the second mentor for Jakub when he was 11 years old who thought him to warp strike and summon weapons like Noctis but later after becoming blind the responsibility for teaching Jakub went to Cor when Jakub came back to Lucis at the age of 12 but here’s the thing Jakub came back after nine years pass since Noctis disappears this is just before the end of the comrades dlc in the game meaning Jakub had one year of training from cor. Basically Jakub didn’t age after the two years pass in lucis because of his genetics and the time that passed in the human equestria was only a month and a half meaning that Jakub only aged that much.
The fourth and fifth mentors were Cloud and Sephiroth (the kingdom hearts versions of them) both of them teaching Jakub a different special attack at the age of 15. Cross-slash from cloud and Swift strike and Calamitous Ray from Sephiroth. Both Cloud and Sephiroth stopped their rivalry to teach Jakub and after Jakub asks them who’s going to tell Aqua that Zack is dead. They look at each other a notice that both of them are sweating like mad because both know that Zack told them at least once about the girl he met in Olympus Coliseum.
Finally the last mentor is Mickey who thought Jakub how to wield a Keyblade properly and thought him flowmotion.

As for doesn't have many crossovers, well, yes. There's more than just what's listed here, by the way, so I thought it was a cool idea to throw a bunch of things together too.
Ok, hold up. Grammar is a bit better. No offense to Jakub, but... the story's grammar wasn't always that good. It's been edited. I guess it's time to edit mine. But come on, really? Better grammar? No offense to you too, but I'm pretty sure I have grammar to even surpass yours. Again, no offense. Just an observation.
And as for the powers thing, I see it. I'll try to go over them more with some background in my future chapters.
You've given me more to think about, but as for how Sunset's Guardian Angel is doing so much better, well, nothing concrete yet. It can't just be a slow plot, because really, the plot is quite slow.

10168221
Yes thank you. I will try to make this story better as I learn more about typing. Danke. You too.

10172390
Thanks, I'm glad I'm doing better that you enjoy it now.

I liked this story not only because it was interesting, but I know how you feel in your struggle, so good luck and keep up the great work. :twilightsmile::twilightsmile::twilightsmile:

10173229
Wanna know why your story isnt succeeding while others do? Submit it to the reviewers cafe, and you will know why.

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