• Published 3rd Feb 2020
  • 6,680 Views, 58 Comments

Homo Draconis - Timzocker201



A young man, who has detached himself from the world is offered a chance to be reborn into a new body and world, in which he could actually have some decent fun.

  • ...
18
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a ROYAL fuck-up

You know... normal people usually are pretty pissed when they get tapped out of sleep in the middle of the night and I won't claim that I was any different when I was awoken by something tapping against my snout. I wanted to snarl out for it to fuck off, but I decided otherwise, when I saw what actually took me from my slumber. There, before my eyes, was a foal. Only that it had two leathery wings, pointed ears with a plush on their tips, a dark purple mane, slitted, yellow eyes and cute, little fangs poking out from its tiny mouth.

"Awww, aren't ye a cute little bugger?"

The little one was now eyeing me curiously and I couldn't help but bring a claw up and start to pet him, for he was just so awfully cute!!! As I was now petting away at the little bugger, I looked around for anyone that could come up to be his mother or father. Surely he didn't come out here into the everfree all alone, did he? I wouldn't search long though, as I suddenly felt a pinch between the scales on my claw. I looked down on it and saw the little beast thoroughly latched onto it.

"OY, what is it with these buggers BOITIN', SERIOUSLEY!"

I tried to gently shake him off, but he had a pretty strong bite on me. I didn't want to pull him off either, as I probably would have crushed him if I tried, so instead I did something different.

"Oy, lil' one, would ya please let go o' me?"

The colt shook his head, while still being latched onto me.

"Why not?"

"Mpf pfmfmfmf mpf mpfmpf mm mpfmpf" came the answer.

"Euh, sorry, what was that?"

"'Cauph mommy phad thagonph are ebil." he replied. This time he took his toothes slightly from their bite, as he tried to speak a little clearer and it immediately gave me a good idea.

"Sorry, little one, but didn't quite catch that either."

The colt took a deep breath and opened his mouth wide.

"Because mommy said that Dragons are evil!" he shouted and I took the opportunity and quickly pulled my claw away from him. He looked at it for a few moments, before looking straight into my eyes, with a cute blankness in his expression. After a while of intense staring, he gave a childish giggle.

"You got me there, mister."

I leaned down to him and smiled at him.

"Yer mommy said that dragons are evil, so ya just bit down on one, instead of running away? My, we are quite the warrior, are we?" I said, giving him a gentle ruffle through his mane.

The colt puffed out his chest in pride and beamed. "Mhmm, when I grow up, I'm going to become a Lunar Guard!"

This caused me to chuckle a little. "Oh, no you won't, little one."

The colt looked up at me with a deep frown. "Aww, why not?"

"Because you don't have what it takes to become a lunar guard. I tell ya, me lad, you are going to become the princess's personal guard!"

The little colt beamed up at this and began jumping in circles before me.
"The princess's personal guard! The princess's personal guard!

I watched the happy colt for a while, before I remembered, what I was looking for earlier:
"Yeah, yeah, alright, calm down. What are you doing here anyways? All alone, in the Everfree and at night... is your mom around here somewhere?"

The colt stopped his hopping and looked down to the ground, drawing circles with his hoof. "Uuuhh, you know, I kiiiinda snuck away to go find something to show what I can do and then I got kiiiiinda lost in the forest?" He said with a sheepish grin.

Eh, should have known, that's basically what all the foals in this world are up to, isn't it?

"Don't ask me, I don't have any..."

Just at that moment, a feminine voice called through the forest.

"Fruitbite! Where are you?"

The colt beside me snapped towards the call and smiled. "Oh, it's mommy!"

The voice drew closer and soon, I could see a mare, sporting the same wings, eyes and ears as the colt, albeit with a more brownish mane. The mare called out once more and Fruitbite responded.

"Mom, I'm over here!"

The mare looked over to the waving colt and let a relieved smile show on her face, only for it to be replaced by a panicked look, as her focus shifts over to me.

Then, we just stood there. her gaze locked at me and mine locked at her. And then, I couldn't take it any longer. I made a dash forward and...
...
...
began petting her.

"Aw, you cute little bugger, don't mind me, I'm just a pervy Dragon that's way too attracted by cuteness..." I said, while I enjoyed the blissful softness of her mane and fur.

"What the BUCK are you doing, you pervert?!" She suddenly exclaimed. I immediately recoiled, upon which she gave me a questioning look.

"Why did you stop?" Now it was my turn to give a questioning look. "You just surprised me. It actually felt quite good what you did there."

I carefully inched my claw closer to her head and began scratching behind her ears. She let a pleasured hum escape her lips and leaned into it, as I kept on scratching. The colt beside her, meanwhile started jumping in place.

"Me too, Me too!"

And so, I came do indulge in the bliss of petting two absolutely cute buggers at once. Absolute heaven, I tell ya.
At least until...

"Hold on, Honeybun, I'm coming to save you!"

Suddenly, I felt a tapping sensation on the other side of my body. I turned my head to see what was going on and saw a Pegasus Stallion furiously tapping against me.

"Yo, what's up?" I said, without sopping to pet the two on the other side.

The stallion looked me into the face and froze. He then came at me, with a very fear-filled expression.
"H-Hey you, s-s-s-stop h-hurting my mare!"

Before I could say anything, the mare in question called out. "Oh he isn't hurting me, hun! It actually feels amazing!"

The stallion looked at me in confusion, before he took at look at what I was actually doing on the other side. Meanwhile, his wife had gotten down onto her belly, still just enjoying the gentle scratches of my claws.

The stallion landed on my back and his jaw dropped immediately as he saw what was actually going on. I braced myself for some family drama like I had seen dozens of times on TV and was expecting him to accuse his wife of cheating on him. Needless to say I was pleasantly surprised when he simply just gave a relieved sigh.

"I'm glad that you two are okay. I didn't expect to find you being petted by a Dragon though." He chuckled and raised an eyebrow at me while smiling.

I let out a short, thundering laugh at this. "Well, I wouldn't have thought I would actually end up petting two ponies sometime, so I guess the feeling's mutual."

The stallion gave a short chuckle, before letting out a long yawn. "Whoa, I think we should head home, I need to get out early tomorrow."
He set down beside his wife and I stopped petting both of them. They bid their farewell and turned home and I overheard one last bit of conversation:

"Oh yeah, Fruitbite?"

"Yes, mom?"

"You're grounded."


It was a sunny day in Ponyville. Rainbow Dash was floating about on a cloud and taking a nap. Rightfully so, as she was the reason the day was so sunny in the first place. Soon, she awoke at her usual time. She got up and stretched her back thoroughly, before doing a multitude of warm-up exercises. She took her flight training seriously. Every day, at the same time, she would do two hundred loopings, followed by eighty corkscrews, fifty immelmans and two flatspins. The latter mostly being accidental than an actual exercise, though.

As she finished her last immelman, though, she saw something interesting. Down there, deep in the everfree forest, she saw a big, white chunk of scales and meat resting in a clearing. Immediately, a devious plan fomed in her mind. She quickly collected as uch vapor as she could find and formed it into a large cloud. She then charged it with as much electricity as it could hold and pushed it over to the sleeping dragon...


I was taking a nap in my clearing. Seeing as my night got cut short by my unexpected visitors, I suppose there was nothing wrong with that. Well, I supposed there was nothing wrong with that, but apparently a certain, rainbow-maned Pegasus thought otherwise, as I got ripped out of my slumber by a sharp zap to my romp.

I woke up and immediately let out a loud growl. However, what came out of my mouth wasn't just sound... As it was, I found myself sending a beam of lightning into the forest.

Wait, what?!

As the beam slowly powered down, I sat there, dumbfounded. I looked at the mare in question, who was sighly in a similar standing as I was.

"Woah, what the buck was that?!" She exclaimed, as she regained herself. she set down onto my back as she tried to take in, what just happened.

Yo, Navi?

"Huh? Oh, Alex, wait a second, let me come over. I was just currently watching princess Luna."

Isn't Luna asleep around this time?

"Yes, why?"

So, you're peeping on Luna?

"Yeah, so what? I'm a god, I can do what I want. What did you call me for, anyways?"

Ah, yes, sorry. Euh, Rainbow has zapped me with a thundercloud.

"Oh, really? HA! I would have liked to see your face! Hahahaha"

Yeah, um, right, about that.... apparently it made me spout lightning.

"Hahaha-- Wait, what?"

Yep, that was pretty much my reaction. Any explaination for that?

".......... hold on a sec, gotta look something up."

While Navi was looking something up, I turned to Rainbow Dash again, in order to give her the yell she was still due to get. However, as I looked at my back, I found her sleeping peacefully between my scales.

Yo, what the fuck?! Do my scales have some sleep-inducing effect, or what?!

"No, it's just that, while retaining all of the resistances of your other scales, those on your back feel actually more akin to feathers when you touch them.

I kept my gaze on Rainbow. No matter how hard I tried, seeing her so peaceful and helpless actually made me forget how mad I was at her, over just how adorable she looked.

"Peeping at Rainbow, huh?" Navi said, the smug on his face clearly projecting into my mind.

Hey, it's not my fault that she is sleeping on my back!

"It's not my fault, that Luna is sleeping in my world!"

Well, uh, it kinda is, since you've created her and this world in the first place.

"... Okay, fuck, you are right."

Anyways, what were you looking for?

"Oh yeah, about that... umm, I don't know, how she did it, but... euh.... CONGRATULATIONS: New Unlocks: Lightning Odem!"

Oh really? Nea-- ... euh, how did-- I mean-- What?!

"Exactly."

Now, with a new odem, a sleeping mare on my back and a MASSIVE headache, I decided...
...
that it was time to resume my nap.


Another morning, I took a walk through the Everfree forest, this time not accidentally headed for Twilight's Castle. Seeing as she was currently in Canterlot, doing some princess-stuff, that would have been pointless anyways. Thus, I wandered aimlessly, occasionally eating a manticore, nearly stepping on Zecora's hut and almost falling into a giant pit with some glowing tree in a cave inside it. After I've reached my clearing again, I lay down and went back to napping.

You know, being a Dragon sure is a chill life.

"Don't say that too loudly. In this world, Murphy's law is strong AF."

Really? Oh well, in that case:

"Man, I love chilling as a Dragon!"

"... Your funeral."

I waited around for a while, but nothing happened.

So, what was that about Murph-

"Alex! Alex, where are you?!"

Suddenly, the voice of a certain Dragon Hatchling rang through the forest. Spike stepped from the undergrowth into the clearing and, as he saw me, took up his pace.

"Alex! Twilight's sent you a letter!"

"Oh, I feel honoured. would you be so kind to read it to me?"

"Sure!"

Spike cleared his throat and began to read. Apparently, Celestia called Twilight to Canterlot because they've found a strange souce of magic energy underneath the City. As they went in to investigate, however, the earth suddenly began to shake and a sinkhole appeared in the middle of town. They went in to investigate and, doing so, stumbled upon a giant, crystalline entity, which seemed to sleep. "Seemed" is actually quite a fitting formulation, as it seems that it was awoken by some accident involving Rarity and a giant Diamond. Long story short: canterlot is now under siege by a massive, crystalline Dragon entity. the six, as well as Starlight and the princesses have tried to bring it down with magic, however it seems like they are unable to pierce its thick skin.

"Okay, so a giant crystal Dragon is attacking canterlot, huh? Why doesn't she just befriend him like she always does with these villains?"

"Yeah, about that... It says here that this Dragon doesn't seem to be sentient, so befriending won't work."

"Okay... Then throw him off the mountain and let him shatter on the ground or something, I don't know..."

"It also says here that the Dragon has hit Twilight and she is now suffering from a broken wing and barely managed to write this letter while the others kept the Dragon busy."

...
...
"ALEX SMASH!"


Dozens of ruined buildings donned the capital and one could hear the sound of a fleeing herd of ponies from the center of town. A large, blue, crystalline figure towered over the buildings, its eyes seemingly consisting of red flames. A rainbow trail was flying circles around its head, in a desperate attempt to distract it from the three wounded ponies in front of it.

Celestia and Luna had tried to face the creature before it could do any harm, but harshly underestimated its power. Before they could put up appropriate defenses, a single strike from its claw sent them to the ground. Both had two large clawmarks along their bodies, showing the exact location in which they had been hit. Twilight Sparkle was resting beside them. She had tried to erect a barrier to shield the princesses, however the barrier didn't hold long and she soon felt the the full force of the Dragon's claw hit her wing, almost ripping it off. With a last spurt of magic, she managed to send a desperate plea for help to ponyville, in the hope that it may reach the only being she knew of, that could save them now. She sent the letter away with whatever magic she could muster and as she saw the signature mist fade from view, her vision went black.

She awoke in a ruined house, close to the central plaza. The roof and upper stories had been completely shattered, leaving only the walls of the first story and a big pile of rubble as a hint that there might have been something. The first thing she saw as she opened her eyes, were her mentor and princess Luna, who both had been tended to. She also saw a purple mane hang into her field of vision and felt something gently shoving and tucking on her wing. She let out a series of pained moans and stifled screams, as her stupor wore off and she felt how her two friends were trying to realign the bones in her broken wing.

"Oh, I'm so sorry dear, but we must do this, or else the wing might not heal properly." Rarity said, as she and Applejack continued to wrestle with her wing's bonestructure.

"Don't ya worry, Twi'. We're almost done here." Applejack said, as a few last, painful pushes made Twilight screech in pain. Twilight felt numness overcome her body again and she fought the blackness in her vision, as yet again she felt like she was losing consciousness again.

"I hope you're done soon! I don't think, Rainbow will hold out any longer and my shield will die down soon, too."

Starlight had erected a barrier before the three princesses in order to protect them, while Rainbow tried her best to keep the Dragon busy. Fluttershy was tending to the other princesses and Pinkie tried to aid Rainbow in her attempts.

Princess Celestia had to watch Twilight writhe in pain, as she lay helpless by her side. She herself didn't fare much better, her own body covered in bandages which were painted red by her own blood. She leaned down to her former student and gave her a gently nuzzle.

"I'm sorry it had to come to this, Twilight. I didn't expect this foe to be of such formidable strength."

She looked at the Dragon, which was still trying to swat Rainbow out of the air, while Pinkie tried to gain its attention with confetticannons. Around the pair, there were the few Guardsponies that dared stand up against the Dragon to protect their princesses... or at least, what was left of them. She looked back at her sister, who was currently getting her bandages changed by Fluttershy. She carried similar wounds as herself, two long cuts along the left of her barrel. Beside her lay her old set of bandages, completely soaked in red blood.

Celestia sighed and looked at the Ponies around her, before she spoke up again.

"Everypony, I am very sorry for this all. It seems, we might not survive this."

Luna's head shot around. "Sister, thou art not giving up, art thou?"

Celestia slowly turned to face Luna, but an answer was unnecessary. A loud roar sounded over the plaza, followed by Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie hitting the upper edge of one of the walls, before coming to a hard stop in a pile of rubble.

"Rainbow! Pinkie!" Applejack hurried over to her friends. Luckily, Rainbow was conscious and, apart from her tail being singed black and her nose bleeding, she was relatively okay. Pinkie, however, was less lucky. She apparently had tried to save Rainbow by throwing herself between the Dragon and her friend. Her being Pinkie Pie had somehow magically averted any mortal wounds, but she still lost conciousness from the impact.

Applejack helped Rainbow Dash to her hooves. "Come on, Rainbow, we need to gain some time for Alex to arrive."

"Ah, I'm sorry AJ, but time seems to be up already." Rainbow Dash pointed a hoof toward the plaza. Celestia turned her head to follow her point and tensed up in shock, as she found the Dragon staring intently at the Ponies gathered before it.

It took a deep breath and spouted flames against the barely holding shield. Rarity tried to help Starlight, but the shield already started to flicker. Celestia saw that it wouldn't hold much longer and, with a last sigh of defeat, she lowered her head, waiting for the hod embrace of the flames.

She heard the shield die and prepared for the flames... only for them to never arrive. They weren't gone yet, as she could hear their distinct hissing close by. She slowly opened her eyes and gawked at what she saw. Before her, there were two massive, red wings shielding her from the flames. She slowly followed their structure, to see whom they belonged to. She tensed up in shock, as she saw that they, too belonged to a Dragon, only this one shining in a bright red, his head alight in yellow flames.

Celestia couldn't believe her bad luck. Not only has Canterlot been destroyed by a single Dragon, but was also about to become the center point of a territorial dispute between two Alpha Dragons. At least she thought that until she heard her student exclaim beside her.

"Alex, you're here!"

"Yeah, dude, took you long enough." Rainbow chimed in.

Celestia and Luna gave Twilight an incredulous look. "Thou hast befriended a Dragon?!"

Twilight just tilted her head and smiled. "It's quite a long story."

Celestia looked back up at their saviour, who in turn gestured a slight bow with his head. "Good day, Princess. I hope you don't mind the lack of an introduction, but we do have more pressing matters to discuss. I will stall this brute here for a while. You use that time to get somewhere safe, so I don't have to worry about you."

Applejack quickly secured Pinkie on her back, while Rainbow and Fluttershy helped Rarity and Starlight back to their hooves. Twilight was still a little wobbly on her hooves, but managed to stand and Celestia and Luna supported eachother. Twilight gave Celestia a quick nod, before they made haste out of the back of the building and down the street behind it. They got into the first intact building they saw and took shelter in its second story. Celestia walked up to one of the windows, which let her overlook the plaza over the ruined buildings. Her eyes widened, as she realized that not only the Dragon's head, but his whole body was on fire.

"Don't worry, we can rebuild canterlot later on." Twilight said from beside her, a reassuring smile on her lips. Celestia looked at her student, who was visibly worn out.

"Do you think, your... friend can handle this?"

Twilight's smile faded and she looked out the window in concern. She saw the Dragon, who was still spouting flames at Alex.

"I can only hope."


Okay, Navi, what the hell is up with this guy? He has been spitting flames at me for ten minutes straight! How does he do this?!

Yeah, well, remember how I told you that you have four Odem-Glands? Yeah, this one has eight."

Oh great, let me guess: he is firing just two at a time, which gives him enough time to fully recharge before he comes in for a second round, right? Great.

I slowly inched closer, pushing against the pressure of his flame. As soon as I was close enough, I bashed my head against his chest, causing a few crystals to crack, and instantly opened up with a searing hot flame of my own. The Beast roared up, as it was hit by my dark red odem. However, suddenly his color changed from light blue to a fiery red. His screams immediately stopped and my flames seemed to lose all effect.

Ah, flame resistance, huh? Well, the hard tour then.

"Yeah about that..."

I quickly gave the Dragon a whip with my tail, sending it stumbling a few steps. I then brought my front legs up in a slash, however I forgot that this time, I wasn't fighting a wyvern, resulting in me getting a good bash to the chest. I quickly regained my balance andprepared my glands for a lightning attack. The Dragon before me tried to copy my attack from earlier, giving me a good view of his belly. That was when I blasted my odem, sending a beam of lightning zapping into his chest. I heard a few crystals burst and his shade slowly dimmed into a darker blue, before he slumped to the ground.

Well, that was fairly easy.

I turned around and saw Rainbow head straight for me. She stopped only inches from my nose.

"Dude, that was totally awesome!" She exclaimed, as she threw her hooves in the air in a cheer.

"Yeah, uhm, Alex?..."

"My congratulations, Darling." Rarity said, as she and the other slowly came after Rainbow Dash.

"Alex?"

"I must say, I am glad that Twilight has sent for you. Without you, we might not have survived." Celestia said.

"Oh, you're welcome, my princess. I only helped a friend in --"

"ALEX!!!"

WHAT?!

"As much as you deserve your praise, this fight is far from over."

What do you mean?

I looked back down at my friends and saw them all tense up in shock and abject horror, as a shadow slowly rose above me.

...
Ah shit.

Author's Note:

Yo there, It's me, the T-Z.

Ok, that was cringy, sorry. Anyways, I have a question for you all concerning this story: You may have noticed that this story is currently running under the tag of "Comedy". You may also have noticed, that this story certainly is not entirely just comedy. My question would be: do you think that this story is harsh enough to warrant a "Dark"-Tag? If not, what would you say should I tag it with? 'Cause "Comedy" alone definitely doesn't cut it. Please write your answer into the comments.

P.S: there is no such thing as an "Action"-Tag, I already looked for that.