24. Never Volunteer to Move a Piano
Substitute Archivist
Never Volunteer to Move a Piano
Emerald was seriously thinking about his future. When hiding in the closet of the Most Powerful Unicorn in Equestria, it was a better choice than watching his life flash before his eyes. Again.
Simply strolling out of the closet and back down the tower the way he had arrived was right out. Twilight Sparkle and her friends would have questions. Like why was he in the closet, how did he manage to be selected as a substitute librarian and still wound up here, and if he was married. In his current state of mind, questions were more dangerous than anything. His jaw got disconnected from his mind when mare-terror set in, and… No. Just no.
A panicked sprint out the front door was likewise a lost cause. He would have to out-run Rainbow Dash, the fastest pegasus in Equestria.
Hindsight being perfectly accurate, at the first sign of noise from the front door he should have made a rapid exit into the maze of bookshelves that made up the Archives, which were just a few steps away through the apartment back door. There were several low-level security spells to channel wandering students with the right keys along a narrow corridor connecting the two doors, but the brass token he received earlier seemed to override them quite nicely. In any event, trying to get out the back door and hide in the Archives was a lost cause now. Twilight Sparkle had held her position as Archivist for years, and would be able to track him down no matter where he shelved himself in the collection of dusty tomes.
Worse, if he had not panicked and just continued casually strolling out of the apartment in the direction of the Archives when the Element Bearers entered, he would at least have had a chance to be ignored. Emerald was good at being ignored when he tried. He could do seven different shades of boring when faced with adults he did not want to interact with. A few noncommittal grunts and a wave, possibly pointing at the stack of boxes to indicate his part in their transportation was over. Maybe a yawn. Or a scratch. A good scratch in the right place could deflect questioning better than a shield spell. None of those attention-diverting schemes had even a ghost of a chance if he came out of Twilight Sparkle’s closet in the middle of the packing process.
That left sitting in the Archivist’s closet very quietly, and hoping that Twilight Sparkle was going to forget she had ever worn clothes. It was a low probability, like going into a casino and expecting to leave with a few bits, but it was all he had. After all, Emerald’s fashion sense was blunted by his own dull green coat as well as warped perceptions about the importance of comfort over the style-of-the-moment, but even he was unimpressed by the petite pink and blue dress or the slim blouse with dramatic shoulder pads he was hiding behind.
What yard sale did Twilight pick this stuff up in, anyway? Or did she shop trash piles? My grandmother wouldn’t wear any of this, and she went blind at the end of her life.
Rather than consider Twilight’s fashion non-sense, he began to think. After all, as the balance of boredom and panic began to tilt in the direction of reflection, Emerald could not just sit and watch without thinking also. Traitorous ears picked up the happy chatter of the Bearers out in the apartment, which was terribly distracting because his mind kept considering just what matrimonial things would happen if/when Emerald was discovered hiding in the young mare’s closet. The Bearers sounded so… friendly, but that was expected for the kinds of ponies who would group around Twilight Sparkle and fight monsters. Friendship was supposedly the whole reason they became the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony, after all.
When growing up, Emerald’s friends had mostly been rare or fictional. The excuse of ‘going over to a friend’s house to study’ was really a cover for vanishing into the cool canopy of a garden tree to read uninterrupted for a few hours. Being green was great cover. Nopony ever looked for a young earth pony in a green tree, particularly among a unicorn family who were likewise ground-bound. The idea of having five unrelated friends who would drop everything on a moment’s notice to help move was extremely hard to get his mind around. Bribing/leg-twisting his siblings into lugging stuff was far easier, but Twilight Sparkle’s brother was an officer in the Royal Guard according to Twerp’s Peerage, and probably immune to such family influence.
And since the Hearth’s Warming train trip where Emerald had seen both Shining Armor and Princess Mi Amore Cadenza extremely close together, the good captain was likely too busy to become a plebian mover even if asked by the Bearer of the Element of Magic on some official pretense. After all, from what little Emerald had seen, it would take a huge crowbar to separate the two of them for more than a few minutes. Then again, it could be worse. Twilight Sparkle could have talked Shining Armor and Princess Cadence into helping her move, possibly bringing along her whole family.
The idea of a noble Equestrian princess stuffing books into boxes or flying around the apartment with a dustrag relaxed the iron band of tension wrapped around Emerald’s chest ever so slightly. The best of a bad situation was still fairly poor, but a few long, slow breaths allowed him to recognize a few bright spots that were not on fire.
For starters, there was just enough of a crack in the closet door for him to watch most of the activity out in the apartment as the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony went about the relatively mundane task of packing stuff into boxes. It was a fairly unique opportunity to watch the famous ponies handle a much less dangerous task than most of their rumored missions for Princess Celestia, and far less likely to involve some terrifying monster. Although none of them were married…
Maybe Twilight is just bringing her friends by to visit the old apartment for a few hours. Or maybe she’s tracking me down for leaving sticky jellybeans in her bottom desk drawer and putting that sign on her bedroom door.
It helped his nerves that the group of mares did not seem as if they were engaged in a mission of vengeance, although aspiring brides could be tricky that way. There was always the possibility they could ambush him in the closet and drag him back to Ponyville stuffed into an empty box until he could be properly hitched. Even that was improbable, since all they really would need to do was pen a letter to the Royal Guard to have Emerald delivered gift-wrapped at the time and place of their choosing. And would it really be that bad to be married to one of them? Even Twilight Sparkle?
That made Emerald look harder through the crack between the closet doors at the way the mares were working together to pack. It was by nature an incomplete observation since the observation portal was also incomplete, but the apartment was large and fairly unobstructed, so he observed.
And observed.
Really, after an hour of mare watching through his narrow viewpoint, the smallest thread of temptation began to rise. How upset could they get if he came out of the closet to help? It would bring order to the chaotic process of packing, which was a good thing. It was taking forever, and Twilight Sparkle was only ‘packing’ in the technical sense of the word. If this went on too long, he half expected her to start putting books back on the shelves as fast as the rest of them were glacially packing them up. After all, there were only three general classes of remaining items to be packed: kitchen stuff, living room stuff, and books. That seemed to work out to one box, two boxes, and all the rest of the boxes.
If Emerald had been asked to help pack before this sluggish process started, he could have wrangled a half-dozen young stallions from his fraternity with a few well-placed words and they would have been done by noon, just in time to take the young mares out for lunch. Well, for them to take the Bearers out to lunch while Emerald faded into the background and slipped away. There was far too much ‘unmarried’ in the vicinity for Emerald to be comfortable, and they were entirely too proactive in the moving process. That is the moving-around process, not the actual process of moving.
The Bearers were certainly comfortable at their activities. That was one word that could be used. Inefficient might have been more accurate, but free help was free help, after all. It still irked Emerald and made him seriously question the stories behind the Element Bearers when compared against actual observation. Half of the workforce was not even working at their tasks, unless you counted playing with the boxes as work, and the meekest one of the group was in charge of Twilight’s boxing.
That focus on the pretty pegasus left Emerald speechless when the closet doors he was hiding behind swept open in Rarity’s pale blue magic, and he found himself face-to-face with a Bearer.
An unmarried Bearer.
She appeared as startled as he was, with wide eyes and a mouth drawn up into a tiny ‘o’ just barely wide enough for a squeak to emerge. All of the suave evasions Emerald had been considering fled in mortal terror, because Rarity was also a noted wedding designer, and all he could see in front of him was the entire resources of House Chrysanthimun put into one elaborate marriage ceremony designed to chain him down good and hard.
Then all he could see was her flouncing tail as Rarity fled, carrying the entire contents of Twilight Sparkle’s closet in a ball of cloth suspended above her. Well, almost the entire contents. Emerald had been left behind for some reason, and since any attentive eyes in the vicinity were watching Rarity’s rapid retreat, and he still was not able to find a clear path to reach the apartment back door and the safety of the Archives, he quietly closed the closet doors and remained inside.
The closet was still dark. It was empty now. And his head was cold. Probably because his brain was evaporating.
A careful exploration of his empty head revealed a certain lack of hat, which was a fair trade for continuing his bachelorhood for a few more hours. He was still puzzled about his narrow escape. Then again, he did have a rather unremarkable dull coat, and the lighting in the closet was not exactly the brightest. It made him just the smallest bit insulted, since Twilight Sparkle’s clothes collection was not that bad, or at least to his male perspective. Then again, he did have a male perspective, and some narrow escapes were best not examined too closely.
He peered through the closet door crack again, becoming slightly more relaxed with every moment of freedom. Upon further reflection, it only made sense that one of Twilight’s exceptional friends would be exceptionally distracted by her wardrobe and likewise unimpressed by the unremarkable idiot in close proximity. However, he was not unremarkable enough to hazard a naked dash for the nearby Archive entry door, because there were limits to such claims of anonymity, and Emerald had already used up his luck for the week.
So glad I wasn’t wearing my vest. She might have pulled off a limb.
It was the nature of packed clothes to stay packed for extended periods once moved, so all Emerald really needed to do to get his hat back was sign back up for library-sitting duties, and once the Ponyville librarian was out of town, go rummaging through all of her packed delicates and unmentionables…
Then again, despite his protests to the contrary, the hat was old and past due for replacing. Shopping for a replacement would be a pleasant reward for escaping the closet in an hour or so when the six young mares went home.
After another hour, the thought became a hope.
After several more hours, the hope became a silent prayer.
They’re not having a sleepover, they can’t have a sleepover, there’s not enough bedspace and only one bathroom.
To distract himself from the growing need for a toilet, Emerald devoted his spare time to figuring out just what exactly made the Elements of Harmony into such an effective team. Just because they looked like a bunch of disorganized goofballs and unattentive fashion nerds meant little when compared with the results of their known missions. Newspaper articles about their exploits varied widely, but if squinted at a bit and extrapolated for the Fourth Estate’s tendency to warp events to match an agenda, and given that the group was sent out again and again, meant they were incredibly effective together.
It was obvious to anypony who really paid attention to current events that the shy purple unicorn trudging around the apartment with a dustrag was the catalyst to their teamwork. Princess Luna’s presence in Canterlot gave solid testimony to that unmistakable fact, and his additional research conducted after her return from the moon only added to the evidence. Twilight Sparkle had always shown astonishing potential, from her recent reign as Princess Celestia’s personal student all the way back to youth when she had been foalsat by the only other known alicorn princess (at the time).
Princess Cadenza was love, in all aspects, and being exposed to that kind of power at a young age must have been a powerful catalyst to her growing power and influence. What else but love could explain how Twilight Sparkle had walked into Ponyville during Nightmare Moon’s return and managed to unite five ordinary residents of the town into bearing the legendary Elements of Harmony.
The ancients had four words for love, which is not to say those are the only aspects. There are undoubtedly far, far more, but it was a good starting point. For example, Emerald could think of few things that exemplified love more than the joy of a young unicorn when they discovered their special talent, a possession that would stay with them for the rest of their life. Perhaps friendship was another facet in the gemstone of love, a fifth kind of love that we never think about and that we often don’t think of as love at all. Similar to the art collector who discovers a painting that sings to their soul, or an art collector who sees a vase that they must possess no matter the price.
But there are things you cannot own, things far greater than mere objects. When the sun comes over the horizon and paints the sky with indescribable beauty, or you find a valley where a whole world of life exists that you had never experienced before. You can't take that home and hang it on the wall or put it in a vault. The only thing you can do is to go there and live with it, to place your home in the middle of the experience and watch as it grows around you, changing both the observer and the observed as time goes on. That deserves a word far more than mere love. That is what Twilight Sparkle found in Ponyville: Friendship.
A young unicorn, brought up in the prestigious House Twinkle, tutored in the ways of emotional power by the Princess of Love, brilliant enough to be Celestia’s private student, and undoubtedly knowledgeable in far more subjects than Emerald’s erratic trip through Equestria’s educational system had left him. If the Twinkle family piano in the other room were any indication, Princess Celestia had rounded out her student’s experiences by encouraging her talents into music, the arts, and culture as much as her magical education. After all, being in the shadow of the Crown made such cultural and social advancements inevitable, and once a student reaches a certain point in their learning process, it is time to graduate to the next level.
To give all that up, all the social power and intellectual resources, and move into the small town of Ponyville had to be an intentional step on the ladder of advancement, like field studies for a doctorate or a step outside Princess Celestia’s sphere of influence so Twilight could practice leading thousands instead of a mere few. Perhaps the quiet rumors of alicorn creation were less fables and more of an elusive secret, and someday Twilight Sparkle would emerge from her humble surroundings as a powerful alicorn. If so, Emerald’s move to avoid the town in the future was an incredibly good decision. No matter how talented Twilight Sparkle was, nothing as powerful as an alicorn could be created without immense risk.
That was all wild theory, of course, born of a bored mind trapped in a dark closet with nothing else to do. The real, practical, verifiable proof of Twilight Sparkle’s power was the inviolate bond she had with her friends. It bespoke of a confidence and maturity beyond what was sniped at by the newspapers or rumored from the common folk of Ponyville.
It made Emerald ashamed of his recent librarysitting trips to the small town, like an irritating flea attached to a guard dog. He was no friend, supporting a hero when she needed it most. He was just taking advantage of her momentary absences to cover for his own schemes, and contributing nothing to her noble goal of defending Equestria. Friends supported each other with unbreakable bonds of trust, like every one of the Bearers, while parasites merely fed off that friendship and produced nothing.
That was even more reason to avoid the small town in the future. There were many other small towns in the area that needed his skills at teaching young unicorns just as much, and where he would not be a burden to a hero by mis-shelving books and leaving her house a mess when she returned home with her heroic friends.
A strange noise jolted Emerald up from his near-doze, propped up against the corner of the closet and dreaming of a fourth bibliophilic alicorn. The noise was somewhat of a soft thump or a thud, which raised a momentary concern that one of the powerful enemies that the Bearers defeated had returned for a rematch, a concern that he quickly dismissed in favor of the more probable dropped box scenario.
There were some muffled feminine voices in the apartment, so the Bearers had not left while he slept, but try as much as he could, there was no way to see much more than a few rumps through the crack in the closet doors, and there was no way he was going to open them up to get a better view. One positive thing he noticed was a lack of books on the shelves he could see, so there was a fair chance the noise meant the Element of Magic and hero of Equestria, Twilight Sparkle was about to finally lead her powerful friends back to Ponyville, which his stressed bladder appreciated.
Then a voice rose up from the living room area, a terrible wail of anguish and pain that pierced Emerald to the heart. Packed with loss and regret in every word, Twilight Sparkle was practically crying in a desperate plea, one terrified confession of weakness and fragility that had been stressed to the breaking point and beyond.
"Because when I finally screw it up with everypony here, I won't have anywhere to go back to!"
All of the theories Emerald had spun out of glass, his view of the mythical magical unicorn leader who feared nothing and was destined to greatness, placed upon a pedestal of his own imagination and nurtured by hours of imaginative creativity…
Shattered.
Far from being a confident mare with a proud family and ardent followers for friends, Twilight Sparkle was… a wreck. A flaming wreck who was so terrified of failure in Ponyville that she had been keeping a home and job in Canterlot as an escape hatch. The leader of the fabled Bearers of the Elements of Harmony was a fraud. A frightened fraud who sounded like she could not lead an evacuation out of a burning building, which she had also set on fire.
Far worse was the implication that her failure on such an epic scale would not allow her to return home to her parents. Even if Emerald managed to screw up in the absolute worst possible way, his family would never abandon him. Yell at him, certainly. Make him sleep in his old room and criticize his weight, undoubtedly. But they would be there no matter what, no matter how much he fought against them, no matter what schemes he hatched to forge his own destiny.
“She’s more screwed up than I am,” he whispered to himself.
The famous Twilight Sparkle, Bearer of the Element of Magic and the mare who freed Princess Luna from Nightmare moon not only needed friends to fight whatever monsters Princess Celestia sent her against, but she needed friends just to survive her abnormal life.
And she had those friends, a family by any other name, and far closer than any real family he had ever known. What little he could see from the crack between the closet doors showed a tight pony-pile around Twilight, just exactly what she needed at the moment. It was good, but in the long term, five friends were still probably not enough, particularly since a certain substitute librarian kept springing little obnoxious surprises on her when they returned from a mission.
They helped heal her wounds and support her fragile psyche. He didn’t.
It hurt, worse than a knife to the heart. Far, far worse, because Twilight Sparkle really could have used all the help she could get, even his. If not for his cowardice, his unreasoning fear of commitment, and his own bloated ego, he could have been a positive influence in her life. Now it was too late. There was no way he could ever introduce himself as ‘that guy who has been lurking around in your library for most of the last year’ without sounding like a royal creep, mostly because it was absolutely true.
And yet, he had the terrifying realization that he cared.
Somehow, something in the very back of his mind must have recognized her need for support from the first trip to the library. Years spent dodging his parents’ matrimonial attempts had made Emerald reflexively dodge about anything female, so he had never done things for a mare just because he wanted to. Everything had been a game of give and take, scheming and maneuvering to keep his neck out of the shackles of wedded ‘bliss’ and grandfoal production.
Then came Ponyville.
Every day he had spent in Twilight Sparkle’s library had unconsciously bent his bachelor mind more in the direction of her. Fruit salad in the icebox, slogging away at mopping so she would not return to soggy floors, working to leave the library just messy enough to make her feel appreciated. It was not much to help Twilight feel wanted and safe as she so needed when returning from some sort of terrifying mission from Princess Celestia, but it was at least something positive out of all his negatives, and helped take some of the stabbing pain away from his heart.
Just because Twilight Sparkle was wallowing in pain did not mean she had to suffer alone. Her friends took an immense burden off her small frail back, but not all of it. He had a part, a small part to play in that regard. He was a square peg in a powerful puzzle made of round holes, and would never be able to fit anywhere into her life, but even a square peg could be useful. He could divert unwanted great and powerful guests. Fix broken things in her home. Clean up after the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Ensure the library did not catch on fire in her absence.
And maybe. Just maybe. No, that was planning too long-term. And creepy.
It was still a lot to think about, even in the short-term, and proved a good distraction from the critical importance of using the bathroom really soon. He needed the distraction, too. The Bearers still had not left, and from the low scratching noises, the reason for their slow departure was the Twinkle family piano. A big, heavy piano, that was going to take forever to move down the ramp one push at a time. It raised his hopes in the slightest that maybe Twilight’s perception of her family alienation was overblown if she was going through all this trouble to take the piano with her back to Ponyville.
Still, why in the world Twilight Sparkle, the most powerful unicorn in Equestria, did not just carry the blasted thing… Then again, if she was a fraud as a Bearer of the Elements of Harmony, maybe her magical power was likewise weak, much like Trixie. Two frauds, one working on a rock farm, one sent out with her friends to vanquish ancient evils and terrible monsters. The only difference was their friends.
Come to think of it, he had been a friend to Trixie when she needed it. Being a friend behind the scenes to Twilight Sparkle had to be easier and less dangerous. Really.
He peered out though the crack between the closet doors and gave a little sigh of relief, mixed with anticipation. The Bearers almost had the piano to the door, and all of Twilight Sparkle’s boxes were piled up ready for removal. Once they began to push Twilight’s family piano down the ramp, the way would be clear for a quick bathroom dash, then an exit into the Archives by way of the apartment back door.
The Archives elevator could take him to ground level before the Bearers could get half-way down, let alone get their musical monstrosity to the train station for return to Ponyville and subsequent wedging into the inadequate space available in the library. The best way Emerald could help the process would be to stay out of the way, or perhaps at worst visit the train station ahead of them and ensure there would be space on a freight car for the pokey piano pushers. It would be both helpful and unobtrusive, with little chance of being identified, caught, and questioned.
The heavy scrape-scrape-scrape sounds of impending freedom grew quieter once the piano got out onto the broad balcony, and Emerald hazarded the smallest opening of the closet doors to get a better look.
Six rumps. No eyes. Now.
The trick to moving quietly—to avoid parental observation or unmarried mares—was low, slow, and no mo. That is moving without sudden jerks or abrupt motions, keeping hooves close to the floor, and above all, not looking at the ponies you were trying to avoid. There were no sudden cries of alarm at his passage, and in less time than he expected, Emerald was into the apartment bathroom and seated on the toilet for long-delayed relief.
The noise of a moving piano had not stopped or stuttered during his swift journey, and Emerald was just beginning to relax when the noise…
…stopped.
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What’s worse than a creepy noise? When the noise quits.
I promised Emerald would not meet Twilight. I never said he would not meet Rarity. Although there are always consequences to such close calls.
11188500
I said next to her bed... I was close.
It worked for me.
Rarity?
First time its an Accident, Second time its Coincidence, Third time its Ceremonial?
The mask of the perfect student slips, and to Emerald’s multilayered horror, he likes what he sees behind it.
Darn it, this starting to take on a layer of tragedy. You’ve done such good work with these two; knowing they’ll never get together in this timeline is almost heartbreaking. Still, looking forward to seeing how much further Emerald can push his luck. Especially when retrieving his hat.
Emerald starts off as being extremely self centered thinking that all revolves about his bachelor status, but he does come around. I wonder how that dialogue with Rarity will go. Luckily for him he got the most attentive one, so she just might understand what he did better than most. Might.
11188798 Rarity is the most terrifying pony for Emerald to meet nose-to-nose. She's a triple threat: single, wedding planner, unicorn. Quadruple if you count Social Climber. With Cadence, he can at least cling to the hope that the Princess of Love would be trying to get somepony *else* hitched with him.
(Oddly enough, Rarity would be the *best* choice for him, also. Provided they both stay within their areas of expertise in their jobs.)
11188812 Retrieving his hat? Optimist. (From the Estee story)
And then the pianocide happens.
11188866
When my father was cremated, you'd best believe that my mother had carefully selected which clothes would burn with him.
11188754
Eh, what's one more person trying to hook him up, it can't possibly hurt anymore.
...right?
Why are you looking at me like that?
Three seconds later, the noise started again…
…loudly…
…discordantly…
…then abruptly ended with terrifying <sproing!> finality.
I'm guessing at some point Pinkie had a 'somepony-is-hiding-and-I-should-be-nice-and-not-expose-them' Pinkiesense reaction, but the others just assumed her lunch was disagreeing with her.
I'm so glad this story is being continued. Wonderful read as always :)
For a chapter with no underlying action or threat of death, it made me feel anxious all the way through.
And it's not even over yet.
11189332 Estee brought up the point that Green Grass' talent is *not* teaching young unicorns, it's surviving the experience because his Mark deflects any serious magical disasters that could hurt him. (like Pinkie Sense) That's something that a pragmatic young alicorn might take advantage of, such as in Letters where little Monster has to figure out a way to get a Storm King airship through Shining Armor's bubble over the Crystal Empire...
Good chapter!