The Substitute Librarian

by Georg

25. Never Volunteer to Move a Piano Downstairs in a Hurry

Substitute Archivist
Never Volunteer to Move a Piano Downstairs in a Hurry

Sitting on the toilet seems to entice the universe into perversity. You can spend hours sitting around reading a book with nobody in the vicinity, but get comfortable on the pot and something always interrupts the process. Traveling salesponies, visiting neighbors, or even old friends who never thought to send a warning letter about their sudden arrival, they all seemed drawn to a residence where the occupant was doing what one does in a bathroom.

Emerald had only given the matter a passing thought before he was seated on the apartment bathroom’s toilet. Twilight Sparkle’s empty apartment seemed to be the perfect spot to avoid interruption, until about halfway through a very serious relief of bladder pressure when his hindbrain started popping up scenarios. After all, the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony might just get Twilight Sparkle’s family piano out onto the balcony before returning inside for their own quick bathroom break prior to their long push/drag of their weighty burden over to the train station. And if any of them came running in through the bathroom door with the expectation of finding the room empty…

It would have been quite impossible to stop doing what he was doing, so Emerald concentrated on listening to the loud scrape-scrape-scrape of six mares shoving the piano. As long as the noise continued, he was safe. For practical purposes, since all of Twilight’s friends were paying piano attention at the moment, as soon as he finished his potty break Emerald intended on slipping back out into the empty apartment and vanishing into the Archives by way of the apartment back door.

And then… the noise stopped.

It was a rather peculiar way of stopping. If the Bearers had simply stopped pushing, the scrape-scrape-scrape would have turned into silence, possibly broken by some serious panting for breath and a few choice curse words. Instead, the noise went scrape-scraaape—

And then nothing but a faint movement of air.

He wasn’t about to go look.

He wanted to.

After all, if the Bearers all left and he didn’t look, he would never know what they did with the piano.

And then he found out. Audibly. Extremely so.

He had never heard the noise a piano made when dropped from a rather tall tower, but as sounds went, it could not be mistaken for anything else. It also made him quite glad not to have come out to help Twilight Sparkle move, because if that was the way she dealt with annoyances…

There was no way Emerald was going to leave the bathroom now.

He waited.

When the rustling and chatter of the Bearers picking up the boxes out in the main apartment faded and he heard the sound of the outer door thumping closed, he continued to wait.

After several minutes of waiting, he emerged out of the bathroom, ever so slowly, one limb at a time. The lighting devices were off, but there was sufficient late-afternoon Sun coming through the windows to illuminate the empty apartment quite well.

Well, not quite empty. There were the plants, of course, which probably stayed with the apartment much like the furniture. And the empty shelves, the rugs, and the cushions, likewise. But that was it. There were no boxes, no books, no dust, no bits and pieces of Twilight Sparkle’s life remaining. No dishes, no clothes. Even the bed had been stripped of its linen and left naked for the next resident.

And, of course, no piano. No Twinkle family piano. An ancient link tying generations of House Twinkle together in a chain of steel that ended with…

After due consideration for several minutes, and several hesitant steps to the back door Archives exit of the apartment for a belated getaway, Emerald ever so carefully opened the front door and peered out. There was no sign of the Bearers other than a faint chattering of mares coming from below as Twilight and her friends headed down the long spiral ramp in the direction of their home, but for good measure, Emerald waited until even that noise drifted away on the evening breeze. Only then did he follow the scent of burnt cloth to the wastebin next to the balcony bench, but it was far, far too late. Only crispy scraps and pieces of his familiar hat survived, with a thick section of headband where he had tucked the brass token with the unlocking spell for the Archivist apartment.

“R.L. would have tossed me off the balcony if I lost this,” he muttered, trying not to look over the edge of the balcony.

After all, there had been a murder of sorts, and looking to see what happened was practically manditory. Well, at least for him. Most normal ponies would flee at top speed from a gruesome death, even of a piano, but he had more curiosity than common sense. He occupied his mind for a moment by tucking away the door-unlocking token for its return to the Archives Administration Desk, then considering just how many other ponies would have been attracted by the noise. Curiosity eventually won out over caution, but only by very narrow margins. In due time, with considerable lying on his belly and scooting forward on the cold balcony floor by microscopic measures, Emerald managed to get as-good-a-look-as-he-wanted at the shattered remains of the fallen family piano far below, the sole remaining connection Twilight Sparkle had to her old family, now broken as much as its owner.

“Symbolic, I suppose,” he murmured under his breath. “Still, not taking the blame for that. No way, no how. Alibi time.”

Working his way backward just as carefully as he had before, Emerald took his leave of the crime scene, taking the casual route of the Archives elevator and a little premeditated book-browsing to ensure he would not bump into Equestria’s greatest heroes and their flawed leader when he eventually departed. And maybe, this evening when everything was behind him, he could stop by his family home and give his mother an unexplained hug.

But first, he had something to do.

* * *

“If it isn’t my favorite Archivist intern. You’re working late, R.L.” Emerald strolled casually into the office an hour after it should have closed, dropping the brass token on the shining oak surface of the Archives Administration desk and sliding it over to the pinch-faced mare.

“Stating the obvious will not help you evade your responsibilities,” she said. “There were several other tasks which came up while you were gone, so do not expect full credit for your volunteering today. Even simple delivery seems to be above your level of expertise. I don’t suppose you had anything to do with the incident outside of the tower this afternoon?”

“Something interesting happened?” asked Emerald with all the innocent curiosity he could muster. “I guess I lost track of time. On my way back, I found a section in the Archives on Shaow Lin and his theories about thaumic channel development back three centuries ago, and I just couldn’t leave until I was done. Admittedly, it’s horribly obsolete theory and completely replaced by now, but it may give me some insight on my teaching career when I graduate at the end of this semester.”

“If you graduate,” said R.L. with a sniff. “You have no business being in unicorn education, and even less business in the Archive tower. If it were not for your father’s money, you would be with the accountants where you belong.” She swept the brass spelltag off the desk and placed it carefully in a lockbox, then pushed the clipboard over to Emerald with another sniff. “Sign, and note your late return of Archive property.”

After a few dips and twists of the quill pen, Emerald regarded his messy signature. “While that dries, can you get out the volunteer sheet for the Ponyville library signup?”

“Why?” R.L. looked down her sharp nose at him from across the polished desk.

“Because I asked?” said Emerald.

“No.”

Emerald let the word hang in the air for a while before shrugging. No doubt the stiff mare had a list of excuses several pages long detailing just why he did not deserve to have his name back on the sheet, mostly because he had noticed R.L’s name there several weeks ago when he had taken his off. There had been quite a few names added to the list over time, most of which had been marked through without comment, although he could still vividly remember his first visit and the cautionary words from the bureaucrat in charge of their mismatched crew. All of the rest of the Bearers seemed to be fairly low-drama with the temporary substitutes holding down their jobs, but when he talked about Twilight Sparkle…

None of the substitute librarians made it through their assignment to serve a second time.

Fighting about getting his name back on the list would only make R.L. dig in for a long battle, much like his father would, so a diversion would accomplish the task much more effectively. Besides, he had already planned for this, provided none of the other Archivists still in the building had found his staged scene yet.

“No biggie. I’ll find another way to earn extra credit.” He turned for the office door with a brisk trot, pausing only to call over his shoulder, “By the way, you might want to avoid the section of the stacks up on the second floor by the irrational integrals papers. There’s a young couple up there who seem to be more into multiplication than calculus.”

Nostrils flaring, R.L. took off from behind her desk like an arrow and skidded sideways on the smooth granite to make a turn onto the stairs, which she took two at a time. Despite a brisk and efficient search, she did not find the reported couple and their indiscretions, but there was evidence of such in disturbed books spread across several messy piles that needed to be reshelved properly. After one additional quick check, the Archivist returned to her desk, relishing the quiet and making plans on how the whole place could be made more efficient when she progressed from intern to full Archivist.

She did not notice the closed folder in the bottom desk drawer where the Ponyville Substitute Librarian Volunteer Sheet had gained one more slightly damp name.

Comments

[Georg]

And the end of the arc for now. Unknown if there will be more updates so set to hiatus but you never know.

[The Wind King]

Wow... I don't think I could instantly dislike someone that much, but R.L just jumped up my shit list in 8 paragraphs to a spot somewhere below Umbridge and I.A Rudolph.

It's not the stiffing him on credit, that I get, it's the open racism and obvious, selfish, unhelpfulness.

I hope they don't come back.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Huh. You’d think a shameless mark-essentialist like R.L. would at least acknowledge Emerald’s primary qualification for young unicorn education. But some people, pony and otherwise, view contradictions to their beliefs as failures on the part of reality, not themselves.

(Also, minor setting note: Triptych-verse toilets are typically trench models.)

In any case, lovely tie-in with an Estee classic. Thank you for another great installment in this saga.

[Captain Nitpick]

11189841
If you'd like more R.L. to hate, see Three Hoofwidths to the Left.

[Booster Spice]

For some reason I got this image of a baby Spike waving AJs hat around riding the piano.

[KMCA]

As someone who has a quality family piano in storage somewhere, that hurts. It's sitting under a blanket in a climate controlled facility waiting for me to claim it... same with the really nice wall clock that we're pissed had a quality chime replaced with tinny garbage the last time it got fixed.

[Manga Shoggoth]

Well, that was brief, but fun - thanks for adding a few more chapters to this one.

[Aburi]

11190021
That is true, and quite a valid point

[Alondro]

They failed to move the piano successfully because Goku killed Berter and Jace couldn't find anyone else to help.

If you get the reference, you are a NERRRRRRRD!! (DOOOOOOOOOODGE!!)

[The Wind King]

11189872

And now I feel bad for her a little.

Just a little, she's still far too into herself, but, she banked up against Twilight Sparkle and had that happen to her.

[Spamotron]

11190352
I don’t. Spoilers for people who haven’t read it. Yes, Twilight started out arguably more in the wrong than R. L. at first. But she came to realize that, set out to apologize and come up with a fair compromise. In response R. L. personally mocked and insulted her and her accomplishments and violated her personal boundaries by messing with her private living quarters. R. L. played with fire and only suffered some minor scorching as a result.

[StarzGecko]

Took like over 12+ hours to read this all. Definitely really like this story of a stallion who takes care of Twilight’s Home, Helps out in Ponyville in some ways, gets to meet many many attractive mares and having silly funny shenanigans that can make the reader laugh.

I definitely can’t wait to see more. I guess so far Discord hasn’t appeared yet?

[Reese]

Finally got to the new chapters here, and pleased I did; thank you for writing! :)

[Fireeaters]

Rarity killed his hat!

[Burgesse]

Emerald gets a rare glimpse into the type of problems Twilight has. Probably puts him in the small percentage that can see past all the legacy and expectations once he ignores the ones he built up too.

I liked these last three chapters, a nice expansion to the story.

[ChakatRedstripe]

I'm really hoping this one continues

[Georg]

11767085 Oh, it will. I've got a chapter roughed out that will torture poor Chief Rights a bit more.

"Helloooo!" Lucky poked his head into the back doorway of the police station as he caroled out his announcement. "I have arrived to entice your beautiful chief of police into a delightful trip through your fair city. Will somepony hie forth and fetch the radiant beauty from her office so we may stroll together for a far-too-brief time which combines her official capacity with a well-needed break?"

He stood there for a long moment in the doorway, looking at all of the stunned police officers, before adding, "Can one of you please go get Chief Miranda Rights? it's important, and if I have to get out of my harness--" he shook his shoulders, making the buckles and straps rustle "--we'll be late to our appointed meeting and won't have time to get cake."