Chapter TwentyEight: Dead a Dozen
"9 out of 10 voices in my head say that I'm crazy. The tenth is humming."
—Anonymous
"It's sad to know I'm done. But looking back, I've got a lot of great memories."
—Bonnie Blair
——
Chapter TwentyEight: Dead a dozen.
——
[Status: okay] Booting HARMONY data and distribution AI 4.9.1v
[Status: OK] Windows experimental version 0.4.34-alpha
[Status: OK] Indicate Command: Maintenance Prophecy Function();
[Status: OK] Indicate Command: Friendship();
[Status: okay] Allowing 128 CPUs
[Status: okay] dev: initialised
[Status: okay] NEIT: Registered protocol
[Status: okay] PCI: Using ACPI for IRQ routing
[Status: okay] Lan found 1964720 devices
Scanning for corruption
…successful okay
Last activity 0.2 days
//Trying to unpack dark energy data
…ERROR
//Trying to unpack dark energy data
…ERROR
//Trying to unpack dark energy data
…ERROR
3x Data collection and analyse ERROR
Discrepancy found
Please refer to Scientific Collection Board for script analyse
…
Please refer to Scientific Collection Board for script analyse
…
Please refer to Scientific Collection Board for script analyse
…
ERROR Personal not found.
//Personal on planet HARMONY: 0
Calling emergency number for assistance….
..ERROR
Calling emergency number for assistance….
..ERROR
Calling emergency number for assistance….
..ERROR
Not found_invalid
[Status: okay] Crisis resolution initiated
[Status: okay] Initiate neural network v.4
Processing…
_Data_
Unknown entity damaging INTERGALACTIC SCIENTIFIC BOARD EXPERIMENT
Entity 273D
Species: Pony
Appearance: White and red
Inmate dark energy capability: Moderate
Personality: Unstable
DOB_Date_of_birth: …..unknown.
Age: …unknown.
Anomalies:
Unrecognisable metal in system
Unrecognisable nano-devices
Thermonuclear mark__ERROR__.
Conclusion__threat to experiment…
REASON: Change society from path_negative
[Status: OK] Emergency Solution Function type_one_();
[Status: OK] Dark energy signal sent
[Status: okay] Maintain signals…
[Status: OK] //Closure…successful
*Squelch*
Various mysteriously horrendous sounds diffracted in the surrounding air particles, the demon known commonly referred as 'Atomic Discharge' sailed from the massive front doors of the palace, her hooves drove into the bodies of griffon littered randomly on the ground. Their blood; seeped from the hundreds of various bullet wounds inflicted.
It was honestly quite difficult to avoid any of the deceased rag-dolls—there were so many. Most were fretted out in congregated lines at the front; they all had been prepared to fire upon Atomic, but one quick, and simple swoop of a machine gun quickly took care of that complication.
If one were to add all of the casualties inflicted, they'd find over 2000 was eliminated in combat. The division quickly relocated to the place after they witnessed the initial explosion. Too bad none of them actually made it out alive.
The other division, situated outside Griffonstone at the time, one, if I might add, with significantly less experience and training; was the only one that remained. After they had at first hand witnessed what had occurred, all of the 'soldiers' bolted abroad with their tails between their legs, and the complete contrasting direction—elsewhere from the city.
The fact one, singular, white pony was able to accomplish this was honestly, disappointing. The species often considered 'weak', was the one who placed their entire country into turmoil.
Who would've thought?
Disgraceful.
I would've thought these griffons could've put up more of a lasting fight—but all they did was stare in absolute shock as I gunned each one of them down. Maybe they didn't expect a weapon of that proportions could even exist.
I ascertained my front hoof downwards, compensating a somewhat weak SQUISH as it made contact with the flesh below. I repeated this motion with my back hooves until I reached a repetitive walking motion. Each step contributed to a solid *Squelch*, although slightly irritating to listen to, I slowly made my way across the sea of bloodied bodies.
Until I distinguished a rather unholy sight of what appeared to be a child— or chick as the griffons call them, hugging an intelligibly lifeless adult body. Tears poured from their eyelids, and various pitches of sobs broke from her beak. She was crying.
Probably a father or something.
Who gives a shit.
She, after all, originated from the generations upon generations of griffons ago, where, initially, were fabricated by the hands of intellectually intelligent humans. In that sense, she's nothing but a byproduct of one of the most significant societal experiments of all time.
Arguably, I can, therefore, establish that she, indeed, has no exact soul. Just an empty husk programmed to sustain vividly human emotions.
That's my opinion, at least.
Why do I feel so…for lack of better words; bad then?
It's abnormal, I've never really experienced a feeling like this before …it's …forcing me to regret my actions.
I actually pity that little chick, my inner emotions are screaming at me to silently pursue the words, 'everything will be alright.'
It even has the coercion to weigh down my next impending decision which would ultimately kill all the remaining hope that lactose throughout her being.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Never once in my entire life, I felt something even close to this trepidation, and, all of a sudden, suddenly drowning in it?
Bullshit.
I shake my head and try to refocus on the extraneous task at hand. My eyes narrow accordingly, and my facade sets in stone.
Do you want to know what I really don't give a fuck about?
Hmm?
This entire city.
An unconditionally, mcmassive explosion in the castle suddenly had the desire to make itself known behind me. Colossal orange and yellow flames expanded like a massive fireball, the overwhelmingly enormous amount of kinetic energy forced multiple bodies to fly through the air similar to a tornado. Stone became molten, and blocks became fragmented.
Dancing like sincere demons that consumed their daily sacrifices.
Atomic slid on some reflective black sunglasses.
Everything was destroyed.
Atomic isn't stupid enough to leave a rocket launcher, for God's sake, in the middle of a primitive kingdom.
Or a machine gun, for that matter.
Instead of taking the most practical route; simply collecting all mentioned weapons and disposing of them accordingly. Atomic just preferred to have it all blown up.
Honestly, it could've done with a makeover anyway.
"Luna."
The dark naval alicorn in question either didn't hear nor care that her sister, Princess of the Day, was attempting to gain her attention. Instead, she continued to thoroughly concentrate on the novel that was held in-between her forelegs.
"Luna."
The Princess of the night was rigorously enjoying that book—it was a science fiction novel permitting a futuristic magical pony. It was interesting.
"Lulu."
Plus, this pillow was way too comfortable, the warm fireplace, and the sincere atmosphere was absolutely brilliant. She could stay like this for hours.
"Wona."
Until she came in here.
"WHAT??!"
Celestia pursed her lips, striving not to laugh.
"I have a present for you."
Luna, with an expression of utter hatred, switched her gaze to the object in question, a long shaft, covered by some sort of tarp, held within Celestia's magical aurora.
"What is it?"
The white Princess grinned and gently placed it on her sister's forehooves.
"Go on, open it."
Luna shrugged.
Carefully utilising her hooves, Luna slowly unwrapped the cloth and transposed it, and furthermore, scowled at the thick crude metal tube located underneath it.
The weapon brought a foul test to her mouth.
"Seriously?" Luna levitated the musket to be eye level with herself and Celestia, "you and I both are aware that I absurdly despise these weapons, and yet, you offer one as a gift." She was not pleased.
Celestial rolled her eyes.
"No, it's different," she nodded towards it, "take a closer look."
Luna couldn't perceive anything out of it, only the eventful painful pierce at the back of her eyes.
She simply stared at her sister with a facade of irritation.
The Princess of the sun, yet again, rolled her eyes playfully.
"It's powered by magic."
Now she was interested.
"Magic?" Luna rotated the weapon around her forehooves, peering at it, "still seems like a useless piece of shit to me."
"Luna!" Celestia resorted, "the research team put a lot of work into this, and this is the first prototype, please treat it as such."
"Whatever," the dark alicorn pushed the object to the side, and turned back to the book she was reading in peace previously, "I still consider it dishonourable."
"I would doubt that," Celestia began, "It uses an enchanted crystal, which, when activated by unicorn magic, can push a metal projectile out at a relatively high speed."
"So what you're saying," Luna swivels her hooves around, "is that only my unicorn service-soldiers would be able to operate it?" She moderately raised her eyebrows, "I'd much prefer to utilise magic beams instead—much more effective."
Celestial shook her head, "magic struggles to pierce amour, this can," she paused, "to a degree."
The blue alicorn rolled her eyes, "I still fail to see the practicality, this would be a strain on the supply line to lug this thing," she switched her gaze to scrutinise the unholy sight, "around."
"Yes, I'll admit this does need a few improvements…." Celestial trailed off," But I assure you, I did this because of you!"
"Was it for me?" Luna's expression transfigured into one of roguish, "Or was it because you have no idea what the recipe for—what do you call it? Sugar powder? Grey powder?"
"Gunpowder?"
"Yes, that," She murmured, "this development is certainly better than those abominations, but I'm still not interested."
The President, and all of his subordinates, were speechless.
Placed around a circulated table sat three imposing individuals. Beaks in claw, they wiped the various droplets of sweat that dribbled across their facade. All attempted to maintain a rather stoic expression, though this became exceedingly difficult as the grim news continued to flow in. They were cracking.
They were backed into a corner.
Figuratively, It was only a matter of time before the pony stopped licking her lips.
"It's hopeless sir," General Garrison initiated, "An entire division, along with Major General Shrewd Preparation has been annihilated."
He compressed his wrinkled features onto the harden tabletop, his voice, muffled, "We've tried, and tried again to subdue that stupid pony, and yet, every time we think we've succeeded," he spread his arms out in exaggeration, "POOF! She back to hack our back from behind."
President Senatus pursed his beak, unsure, "Are you sure it was the demon that transcribed this event? Surely it could've been the Imperials."
Garrison leaned his face to peer upwards at the President, "Was there any other doubt?"
He continued to wither on the table.
General Bridges decided to tidbit in, "Multiple eyewitness accounts stated there was a massive explosion that decimated the entire palace, why would they do that? To their own city, no less?"
Senatus could only rub his chin in response.
They sat there for a concession moment, mulling over the event.
The demonic pony, or God, as some have decided to call it—is more than a nuisance, she always seemed one step ahead. Poking at their pride. It was like she knew their future plans for her. Perhaps they're going to have to suck up their pride, it was apparent options were running thin; their entire country was spread out on melting ice. Perhaps they're going to have to consider something different.
"I think this leaves us with only one option," the generals exchanged their gazes to the President, his face, darkened with shame, "We need to cut our losses, and evacuate from the remains of the Griffon Empire—we have no idea what her next move will be. I think it's in our best interests we leave her be."
"Only then," he shook his fist, "can we create some sort of peace treaty with her; let the situation cool off."
It was evident no-one was thrilled with his decision, but it was the least risky option.
The whole war. Was for nothing.
They'll have to finish the job another day. It just won't be anytime soon.
"Very well," Garrison stood up and saluted, "I'll immediately alert the other generals of our decisions and send a couple of runners off to the main army."
Maps were rolled up, and invasion plans sent to the flames.
They shook claws, the meeting adjourned.
Twilight was not a happy camper.
She was beginning to think pink was a horrific colour.
Everything had been going to plan, and everything had been executed to the fullest extent.
She had been reading hundreds of texts surrounded with in-depth knowledge of military strategy and tactics. The Lylaic unicorn had even dedicated an entire bookshelf to the whole ideal. And yet, it wasn't enough.
Enough is never enough.
Twilight had challenged the current Captain of the Guard to a game of Kriegspiel, a game that he had 'claimed' to be extremely proficient at.
Of course, with his smug demure he accepted.
A deal had been made, and a deal had been broken. If Twilight were to 'beat' him, his rank of Captain would be ultimately removed, and given to her. If Celestia's student lost; she would 'piss off' and 'never come back to Canterlot again.'
Throughout the game, the Captain, a mock to her precious brother's achievements, took quick, and rash decisions. His smile never faulted...until he began to lose.
He was crushed, totally and utterly destroyed. The pink unicorn had freaking flipped the table in fury, and stormed off.
When confronted by Twilight when he, "Will revoke his rank". The Captain proceeded to pretend he, 'had no idea what she was talking about'.
Twilight was furious. She'll just have to find another way to undermine him.
Something isn't right.
I feel...different.
I ascertained my front hoof downwards, differentiating into a walk style. I attempted to feel confident with each solid step, but this was becoming especially difficult with the mix of competitive emotions that ran through me. Each passerby I came across in this destroyed city brought a somewhat sharp ping to my heart.
Just before, I was even complementing the colour pink. Pink! The most feminine colour in existential existence and I was beginning to think, it was an okay colour!
No...this will simply not stand. Something is being tampered within me— I'm not sure if it's because I've been alive in this body for an extended period or... Potentially, a unicorn of some kind has gained the ability for direct emotional alterations, which, despite this planet's primitive nature, is still entirely possible.
My face wrinkles at the thought.
Body tensed, I gradually slow down, my hooves withdraw from the repeated walking motion.
My eyes complemented the buildings around me. Another ping of regret slams into my soul—several griffons from the splinted doorways, and smoked stone buildings peaked frozen in horror.
My face relaxed, I actually felt bad for them.
Which is entirely unacceptable.
"Fuck it."
A sword I had 'acquired' from the now-deceased General, previously intended as a trophy, is to be repurposed as a useful tool to escape subjugation.
"I'll be back."
In one swift motion, I skewered the thin sword in the midst of my neck. Although my vision blanked instantaneously, for a brief moment, I could still feel the warm thick blood slither down my fur.
It tickled.
What remained of Atomic Discharge was nothing short of a monument. She prevailed as a standing flesh statue, on all fours, eyes wide open, peering into the wind. The long silver sword caked in red obeyed her, it rested against the hardened soil. She stood standing.
The onlookers gaped in horror.
Stats
Page generated in 0.022 seconds
Total duration
1,024 users online
433,591 hits today, 2,156,967 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Well...what's giving you the most problems with the story? What is making you unhappy about it? But if you feel that strongly and want to start over with a rewrite...well, maybe that's just what you gotta do. In any case, I;ll kepp reading. I love your stories.
If you’ve lost almost all of your motivation for this story and want to to try it again with some differences you think will benefit the story I say go for it.
No point in writing something you aren’t enjoying and not to mention if you aren’t enjoying what you’re doing it will not be as good. Plus I’m interested in how you might do it differently, especially with a character like Atomic.
I’ve very much liked the story and I believe you’re a good writer. I haven’t noticed any plot holes if so can you point them out?
I think Atomic should use her AI to locate the interference , then when found by her AI, claim that HARMONY system as an administrator ,new owner of the planet
It's your choice. You choose what happens to the story, not us. We trust you in what decisions you make, and frankly those who decide for you need to be ignored. Do what you want, for your sake.
Honestly, if this story has so many problems that you have lost motivation to write it, it's better to cut your loses and start a new. No matter if you choose to continue this or start a new I will read it, because I love it!
Do whatever you think is best for you. Thats all we can ask for.
If this story get canceled I still add it to my fav
I dont really feel like this story needs to be saved. But from reading this I know that whatever else you write I will enjoy. So I will look forward to whatever that may be.
If you decided that u wont write the story anymore,u could give it to your fans so they can continue the story.
if you are dropping this can you at least give us a summary of what would have happened
as you say it suck when a good stories just stop half way through
I'd really like to see where you were going with that magic-powered gun idea. Maybe it shoots something similar to plasma bolts like from Halo plasma weapons, except with magic.
Yay Update! Thanks!
Please do not cancel the story I love it like this is the only good villain story with the human being that dick that is actually decent
I personally think it would be amazing if you started writing another similar story from scratch. Many things just don't really work or serve a good purpose here. To give two examples the entire soviet (I think they were zebras? I honestly don't remember) nation thing's cool but absolutely pointless and unnecessary.
Similarly, you fully fleshed out the nazi ponies (your quite convincing pro-fascist version of The Great Dictator's final speech is great and you should feel proud of it) and yet the protagonist barely has any interaction with them while at the same time the griffin civil war is barely explored.
This fic works thanks to your astounding creativity, a wonderful protagonist, and a phenomenal concept. In your next one, the first is a given, and you say you're keeping the other two. Add to that some small amount of planning and you have in your hands a story at the very least 20% cooler.
10211152
Here are a few examples of potholes within the story:
-Inconsistent characterisation (ie, Celestia, the generals, etc...)
-Forgotten characters with subplots (Erika, Lenin, Hoofler, Lrya, mane six, that pony Atomic saved, a Griffin that loves Atomic)
-Events that were forgotten (ie; the ambassadors, next to no technological buildup, etc...)
-Why was Atomic being mistreated in the Griffon Republic? It doesn’t make sense.
10211043
These are the majority of them:
-Remove the Germane Reich and United Zebra Soviets
-Third-person, Atomic’s Point of view ONLY
-Interesting, unrepeatable conflicts that have consequences/benefits for the protagonist (ie, the Griffon Civil War)
-Too much build-up, not enough action
-Fix engrish
-Unnecessary death of significant characters.
-Too many characters.
-Reader consideration towards characters (ie, make the characters lovable)
10211901
Well...I can't speak for the soviet Zebras, but I really liked the 'Germane Reich' you created and was looking forward toseiing where you were going with it...
Well, alright that sounds fine...but any chance you could at least keep the Twilight Side-story, I really liked the direction you were taking her character...
(-Interesting, unrepeatable conflicts that have consequences/benefits for the protagonist (ie, the Griffon Civil War) )
...not really sure what you mean here...
-Too much build-up, not enough action
...I liked what you did personally, but you can never go wrong with more action!
-Fix engrish
Really? I hadn't noticed, your spelling seemed fine to me...
-Unnecessary death of significant characters.
My only issue with that is the death of Shining armor propelled Twilight in characterization direction I was enjoying...plus Everything Atomic Discharge did at the wedding was by far one of my favorite scenes in your story...
-Too many characters.
...been there, I can read multilpe-character stories but I can't write them...I usually just kill off most off them to make it easier to write to be honest...
-Reader consideration towards characters (ie, make the characters lovable)
...hmm...yeah...I love a good massacre...but I was rather confused by Atomic Discharges actions in the last couple of chapters...why exactly did the Griffons betray her after all she did for them?...
10211995
The main issue with the Germane Reich, is that it can bright fourth the wrong message. People may interpret as 'pro-NAZI'. This is not something I support.
The Twilight side-plot was important future chapters; something similar will occur in the next book.
The Griffon Civil War Battles didn't have any consequences/benefits for Atomic Discharge, they didn't affect her, also, all of them were comparable to one another. It was just the same thing over and over again. Boring.
For the Griffon Republic to 'reject' Atomic is a major plothole. That's possibly why it's impossible to comprehend.
I really appreciate your enthusiasm.
Well here’s a few tips for a rewrite.
1) Compartmentalize
Stories like these are much easier to write when you focus one one particular region rather than the whole world. Say you started off in the Griffon republic, keep the story there until the plot for that arc is largely resolved instead of progressing everything at once. Mention other nations in passing via newspaper articles, hearing the conversation in passing, or from some other characters that are slated to appear later. Also keep in mind not every character needs to be present in every chapter or in every arc.
2) Don’t overwork yourself
I understand that as a writer you jot down as many ideas as you can but keep most but not all those ideas to the ark your working on rather that make so many ideas for others. It also helps to understand that not every idea is gonna make it into that chapter.
3) Don’t worry to much about side characters
Some side characters like that one griffin that loves atomic are just meant to provide comical relief and often times forgotten about or never mentioned after a certain point. As for Hoofler, Lenin, and the two sisters mentioning them once is fine so long as the information gets used in a later arc. Say the diplomatic meeting could be used to introduce the other nations and their problems to Atomic so that way you can advance the story later.
10212136
My God, that must've taken ages to write.
I am really appreciative of your continued support since the story's inception. No words can express how thankful I am.
I'll private message you at some stage for the possibility of a co-author — I'll need to think on it. Once I have compleated the final stages of planning; I'll toss over a message. If not, there are many other ways you can contribute towards the story.
I'll also be sure to consolidate all of your advice.
10212254
Thanks for your guidance. I'll be sure to implement these.
10212625
Not a problem. If you have any other concerns about your writing feel free to ask me and I’ll get back to you ASAP.
10212045
Why wouldn't Griffon Republic reject Atomic, though? She's a pony (Griffons probably hate being dependant on some pony), and they already got all they wanted from her (to win a war). It is natural that they don't need her anymore.
10212862
While the Griffons would definitely hate being dependant on Atomic, she solely brought them from their predetermined grave. She was their saviour, without her, they would've dissipated into dust. Even if she was a pony, you'd think the Griffons would hold her in high regard, and continue to utilise her for the future.
I guess it just depends on the individual reader.
10211308
Yeah, I'll quickly show what would've occurred it in the next 'chapter update'.
10212045
hmmm...how about do what Killzone did with the Hellghast? Make them LIKE nazi's...but never actually call them Nazi's?
Thank you.
hmmm...maybe you could watch/research some total war Rome or civilization strategy games on youtube? Help you get some creative juices flowing for your battles or something?
or...dose Atmoic Discharge need to fight all BIG battles...could she maybe do some espionge/sabatoge missions to shake things up?
Hmmm...I could see that...the main problem is her 'immortality', that largely deflects most of the 'consequences' you speak of...
How about this? The cutie mark crusaders, Lyra or Discord go into her ship and accidentally ruin her cloning chamber while she's in the middle of a BIG battle...this forces her to work harder to not be killed...but she's still killed...eventaully her computer is able to bring her back(after several weeks)...but her DNA is damaged...and she lost her original human template...so on top of other medical issues...she's stuck as a pony and can't be a human again(even the most advance technology can't bring back a DNA strand that's been permanently erased or altered).
oh...wait dose that mean that won't happen in the next book then?
Thank you.
10213915
I'm pretty sure that Atomic wouldn't just rely on ONE cloning machine (especially the one she brought to the planet that can get destroyed at any moment). She probably has backup data and cloning machines stored in several places, including Earth. If Harmony's machine gets destroyed, she (he) will just end up back on Earth. Atomic most likely has backups for everything, including DNA.
PoniesMine
I think a new book or maybe just toataly rewriting this story would be good. but again it is up to you what you do with your story
I’d be down for reading a remake of this. As much as I enjoy this version, if you think you can improve it then go ahead. Better to practice and fail so you can be better the next time.
If I may make a suggestion for the rewrite, have atomic take over a major country and have her/him/it convince them all that she’s some sort of unkillable and powerful god-king. It fits her demeanor well.
Earlier today I was bored and started thinking about this story and three things came to mind
10211901
Firstly
, regarding the Griffon civil war, I recommend you check out the 'Equestria at War', a Hearts of Iron IV mod, wiki for inspiration. The mod has an intricately detailed Griffonian continent where many different factions and ideologies compete for power (specifically over a once-great Griffonian Empire) and could give you a couple of plot, setting, and character ideas for the conflict in the story.I just finished reading Legacy of an Alcoholic Tank Commander. I don't know if I should feel proud for correctly guessing you would enjoy the EaW world. Or stupid for not realizing that not only you knew the mod, but even wrote a fic about it.
10212136
Secondly, I must say that I somewhat disagree with what BillyTheHorse23 said. I don't think this story is about Atomic, not really at least. He could experience zero character development, remaining roughly the same from start to finish, and the fic would still work. I think that the core of this story is how Atomic interacts and shapes the world, rather than the other way around.
Atomic is like a bored trickster god messing around with the setting for his own amusement. What's interesting is seeing what the effects of said messing around will be. That's why it isn't a problem per see that so much time is spent fleshing out the world from a variety of perspectives. It's important to establish what the status quo was and the ways it has changed so we can appreciate and understand how the protagonist's actions mess everything up.
For example, by infecting the princesses with a deadly disease and helping the republican slaughter an equestrian force Atomic inadvertently incited a fascist revolution in Germaney. Both actions wouldn't have been as impactful if it wasn't for Germaney (the way Shining's death affected Twilight is another example). This is also part of the reason the griffonian battles felt so bland. There was no context. We didn't know what the players involved were, why they were fighting, who leads them and why, and so on (neither did Atomic by the way and he was also bored).
Of course, it isn't necessary that you pause everything to describe the history of a country with which the protagonist has had no interaction in scrutinizing detail. It would be better if we learn about the world through Atomic reading a couple of newspapers, listening to the radio, overhearing conversations, etc, and you focus on the situation the protagonist is instead.
In the case of Germaney, for example, the incidental conversation that Atomic had with the lost envoy could have functioned as a great way of properly introducing the country to the story (especially if there had been a little build-up to their introduction). Besides being the first time Atomic interacts with them in any major capacity, it would have also incited the curiosity of the readers ("who are these nazi ponies?"), making them desire exposition. Exposition that, if you wanted to give, could have been delivered later by having Atomic speak to some Germanian character (maybe even Arianne herself), educated nationalists shouldn't have a problem speaking about their country's glorious history after all. Otherwise, you don't have to give every nation a detailed backstory, just implying that there is one is often enough (and sometimes even better).
Thirdly. You should reconsider ditching the Germane Reich. Besides being an amazing concept and this story's most fleshed-out faction they also fulfill an important role: the existence of the Germane Reich creates conflict in Equestria, which prevents them from remaining passive (although you could also accomplish this with the Changelings the germaneans are better because they're open about their intentions and advancements, giving Canterlot time to react, while the Changelings conceal theirs until the last moment). And nazi ponies are cool, had I said that they're cool? Because they are.
I understand that you don't want to come off as pro-nazi but that has a simple solution: write the nazis as bad guys. One of the crucial tenets of nazi ideology, as opposed to fascism in general, is the crucial role race purity and supremacy has for them (some authors even say that the Third Reich was a 'biocracy' [the rule of biology] for this reason). That drove them to do nasty things, just show that and problem solved: have Atomic meet/see Germane refugees in Griffonia that fled persecution, have him hear about a pony Kristallnacht or/and the pony Nuremberg Laws, or something like that. You don't have to create your own version of the Holocaust, if that makes you uncomfortable, the nazis had already done horrible things by the time they started planning the Final Solution. You don't even have to explicitly judge their actions yourself, Atomic would probably not mind if they were genociding other ponies, you can leave that to the readers. We know genocide and discrimination are bad (and if we don't then that's a very different and way more serious problem altogether).
Alternatively, if you do decide to write Germaney off, I recommend you replace them with a similar, communist country/revolution (suggested name: Stalliongrad).
10218790
Stalliongrad would actually be a great idea, because having Zebras as Soviets somewhat limits their ideology to zebras only (ponies won't accept socialism because it's a zebra-only thing, and Comintern idea won't succeed). How is there no opposition in Equestria (liberals, conservatives, socialists)?
10218790
You guessed right!
This is some amazing feedback. You've made me think. Quite a lot, actually.
I'll be sure to keep these points in mind.
Saddening.
Gooood, Twilight, use your aggressive feelings. Let the hate flow through you.