We all know who the Rainbooms are. They're the seven girls at school who formed an awesome band, but more importantly, they all have magic super powers that they use to fight magic evils. But what if they used their powers for... something else?
I have to say so far, this is the best chapter in the story. Everything from the setup to the way the characters were handled, just major improvements overall. Looking forward for more.
I enjoyed reading your story, and I think you did a great job telling the story. However, you have many spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors, including a few writing conversions. I ran it through Grammarly (using only the free part) and told it you have the intent on telling a story, that your audience is knowledgeable, your style informal, and that you are conveying strong emotions. I would recommend downloading Grammarly on your computer or laptop if you'd like to improve your writing. Again, the story is good, you just need to do some fixing up.
9243467 "Many spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors?"
Can you give me a few examples? I'm not calling you a liar or anything, but I quickly skimmed through this story again, and I seriously don't know what you're talking about. I wouldn't be surprised if a few typos slipped through the cracks, but were there really that many mistakes?
9243737 "An uncountable mass of trees stretched towards the west horizon." Should be western horizon "That is, not until I had to squint my eyes to even spot the camp grounds from our spot high up in the sky." Camp grounds should be one word. "It honestly made be start to really think about life." Be should be me "I was sprawled lazily on the cloud while Fluttershy laid as straight as an arrow with her arms folder over her chest, as she looked at nothing but the emptiness of the sky above us as the sun burned orange along the horizon to the west." Folder should be folded "It was always her personality, her kindness, and her oh-so charming smile that got me to fall completely head-over-heels for her." oh-so charming should have another hyphen, oh-so-charming. "She started to pull her shirt up. I only got the briefest glance at her naval before I decided to turn away from her for dramatic effect, deciding to turn around once she had told me that her shirt was off." Naval is to do with ships, while navel has to do with the belly button. "It looked almost unnatural, as if someone had photo shopped someone else's tits onto a much smaller girl, and the instant the breasts ended, her body instantly went back to being smooth and flat, rather than have a natural curve connecting her chest to her naval." No comma after unnatural, photoshopped is one word, and it's navel. "As if to confirm my suspicious, she pulled her mouth away from mine for a brief moment, before simply saying "Thank you" and returned to smothering me with passion." Suspicious should be suspicions. "I smiled at her, and held my gaze until I started to see all of her worry slowly leave her face." No comma after her, and worry should be worries. "I felt myself briefly pass straight through the airborne particles, when suddenly, the air caught me." No comma after particles. "Almost like squeezing an under-inflated balloon, it got harder to press my hand into the cloud as it went deeper and deeper, until I eventually felt like I hit a soft, damp, invisible wall. " No comma after the second deeper. "This feels... really weird." Fluttershy said, suddenly standing directly behind me." Weird should have a comma since it's the middle of a sentence. "I felt my arms instinctively hold her tighter as my own worries also away all at once with just that one look." Add the word "fell" in front of away, "It was so vast, so all-encompassing that I barely even noticed that there were a couple small gaps in the foliage, dotted with a few tiny structures." Add "of" after "couple." "Oh, okay!" She smile, and started to look through her binoculars." Smile should be smiled, and there shouldn't be a comma after smiled. "No I'm not," she giggled as she covered her face from the apparent embarrassment that my words seemed to be giving her." There should be a comma after no. "No, I'm not..." "I had always heard that Twilight's, Fluttershy's, and Rainbow's wings were the same color as their skin, and that they were only about half the length of their arm spans." No comma after skin. "No I'm not," she whimpered so quietly that I barely heard her." Comma needed after No. "S-stop," she whimpered. Her eyes and teeth clenched tightly, as if she was just struck in the face and trying desperately to hold back tears." No comma after tightly. "The most shy and timid girl in school just removed her shirt and was now waiting for me to turn around and stare at her." "Most shy" should be shyest. "Her wide, terrified eyes locked with mine, and in that moment, they didn't seem physically capable of moving away." "In" should be "at." "If I hadn't known better, I would have assumed that she was under trial, staring hopelessly at a man in a black robe who was about to decided if she was about to be sentenced to death or not." "decided" should be "decide" "My voice couldn't help but waver in her presence; my words came out so quietly that she would have never heard what I told her if our faces weren't nearly touching in that moment." "in" should be "at." "There is absolutely nothing in the known universe could ever make me more happy than the simple act of making her happy." "more happy" should just be "happier." "Until, that is, I took off my shirt." No comma after "Until." "Despite their considerable weight, they stood proudly on her chest, and seemed to bloat outwards." No comma after "chest." "Then, I circled my lips tightly around where I knew the center of it was, and began to firmly drag my face across it, locking tightly onto different areas of her breast as my tongue continued to play with its dark center." No comma after "was." "So, I let go of her breasts and her mouth, and pulled away for a moment." should be "So, I let go of her breasts and pulled away from her mouth for a moment." "She looked nervous, but ready. But still, just to be sure..." No comma after "nervous." "I can say with absolute certainty that neither of us have ever felt that blissfully happy ever before, or since." "have" should be "has." "Her eyes darted around briefly, as if she was looking for an answer to my question." No comma after "briefly." "I moved away, and then entered her properly, feeling her warm, wet insides around the tip of my dick as she groaned and shuttered at the sensation." No comma after "away." "My eyes rolled into the back of my head as we pressed ourselves into each other, as if trying to will ourselves to squeeze out as much as we possibly could." No comma after "other." "Yes it was," I instantly responded, opening my eyes to the sight of the most perfect smile achievable my humankind being directed my way." Need a comma after "Yes."
This is all of it. The mistakes don't take away from the story, they're just common mistakes. Like I said, I enjoyed reading this chapter and look forward to finishing the rest of the chapters.
9245476 "There is absolutely nothing in the known universe could ever make me more happy than the simple act of making her happy."
You said that I should replace "more happy" with "happier," which definitely makes more sense grammatically, but I think that the repetition of the word "happy" makes the sentence sound better than using two different words.
"It looked almost unnatural, as if someone had photoshopped someone else's tits onto a much smaller girl, and the instant the breasts ended, her body instantly went back to being smooth and flat, rather than have a natural curve connecting her chest to her navel."
You told me to remove the comma after "unnatural," but that simply doesn't sound right to me. I don't know, maybe I just need to rewrite the entire sentence later.
But either way, thanks for posting that list. I corrected literally everything else that you suggested.
I practically threw her jeans down through the cloud. Then, I stood up and slipped my feet out of my shoes. It was a little odd to watch them simply slide off of my feet and fall through the floor I was standing on, but I was too excited to let it bother me too much. I removed my socks and dropped them through, as well. And then, I watched Fluttershy's already wide eyes grow to the size of saucers as I finally took off my own pants, allowing them to fall down to my ankles, and then past them, free-falling alone with all of our other clothes except for my boxers, her panties, and her brassiere.
It is going to be very awkward for everyone when Rainbow comes to pick you guys up. Edit: Wow, she is absolutely shameless
"Makes sense," I said, still turned away from her. "You can stand on clouds, but Twilight never said that your clothes would be affected." I couldn't think of anything else to add to that, so I simply said, "I'm going to turn around now."
completely out of context, but when he said, "i'm going to turn around now" my mind immediately finished with "and you better be on fire... you're standing there in flames, and the only one whO CAN PUT YOU OUT IS ME, BECAUSE THAT IS ONLY CONCEIVABLE REASON THAT YOU WOULD WAKE ME UP LIKE THIS"
Heya. This was the chapter I almost quit reading because the protagonist forced Fluttershy to strip. You even acknowledge it in the story. Even though I know why you are doing it in the story I am not happy that it happened at all. The premise to force someone to be happy is not something I appreciate.
But you doubled down on it by letting Shy give her consent with conviction after that. Since I am a sucker for consent and I think it is sexy to write it this way you made up for it. As I said, you acknowledge in the story, that forcing Fluttershy to strip is wrong. So my guess is you didn't know how to write it any other way, didn't you? I must admit, I would have had that problem too. ^^
Last: From the very first item of clothing that dropped out of sky I KNEW that RD would catch them. But the way you implemented it was hilariously funny and spot on Rainbow Dash. ^^
Wow. That chapter was amazing. Great job dude. Though, would you mind if I ask who's next?
9101541
Rarity.
9101563
Ooo, that'll be fun to see. Can't wait
Holy shit. That's all I can say. Holy shit. *Thumbs up*
I have to say so far, this is the best chapter in the story. Everything from the setup to the way the characters were handled, just major improvements overall.
Looking forward for more.
I enjoyed reading your story, and I think you did a great job telling the story. However, you have many spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors, including a few writing conversions. I ran it through Grammarly (using only the free part) and told it you have the intent on telling a story, that your audience is knowledgeable, your style informal, and that you are conveying strong emotions. I would recommend downloading Grammarly on your computer or laptop if you'd like to improve your writing. Again, the story is good, you just need to do some fixing up.
9243467
"Many spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors?"
Can you give me a few examples? I'm not calling you a liar or anything, but I quickly skimmed through this story again, and I seriously don't know what you're talking about. I wouldn't be surprised if a few typos slipped through the cracks, but were there really that many mistakes?
9243737
"An uncountable mass of trees stretched towards the west horizon." Should be western horizon
"That is, not until I had to squint my eyes to even spot the camp grounds from our spot high up in the sky." Camp grounds should be one word.
"It honestly made be start to really think about life." Be should be me
"I was sprawled lazily on the cloud while Fluttershy laid as straight as an arrow with her arms folder over her chest, as she looked at nothing but the emptiness of the sky above us as the sun burned orange along the horizon to the west." Folder should be folded
"It was always her personality, her kindness, and her oh-so charming smile that got me to fall completely head-over-heels for her." oh-so charming should have another hyphen, oh-so-charming.
"She started to pull her shirt up. I only got the briefest glance at her naval before I decided to turn away from her for dramatic effect, deciding to turn around once she had told me that her shirt was off." Naval is to do with ships, while navel has to do with the belly button.
"It looked almost unnatural, as if someone had photo shopped someone else's tits onto a much smaller girl, and the instant the breasts ended, her body instantly went back to being smooth and flat, rather than have a natural curve connecting her chest to her naval." No comma after unnatural, photoshopped is one word, and it's navel.
"As if to confirm my suspicious, she pulled her mouth away from mine for a brief moment, before simply saying "Thank you" and returned to smothering me with passion." Suspicious should be suspicions.
"I smiled at her, and held my gaze until I started to see all of her worry slowly leave her face." No comma after her, and worry should be worries.
"I felt myself briefly pass straight through the airborne particles, when suddenly, the air caught me." No comma after particles.
"Almost like squeezing an under-inflated balloon, it got harder to press my hand into the cloud as it went deeper and deeper, until I eventually felt like I hit a soft, damp, invisible wall. " No comma after the second deeper.
"This feels... really weird." Fluttershy said, suddenly standing directly behind me." Weird should have a comma since it's the middle of a sentence.
"I felt my arms instinctively hold her tighter as my own worries also away all at once with just that one look." Add the word "fell" in front of away,
"It was so vast, so all-encompassing that I barely even noticed that there were a couple small gaps in the foliage, dotted with a few tiny structures." Add "of" after "couple."
"Oh, okay!" She smile, and started to look through her binoculars." Smile should be smiled, and there shouldn't be a comma after smiled.
"No I'm not," she giggled as she covered her face from the apparent embarrassment that my words seemed to be giving her." There should be a comma after no. "No, I'm not..."
"I had always heard that Twilight's, Fluttershy's, and Rainbow's wings were the same color as their skin, and that they were only about half the length of their arm spans." No comma after skin.
"No I'm not," she whimpered so quietly that I barely heard her." Comma needed after No.
"S-stop," she whimpered. Her eyes and teeth clenched tightly, as if she was just struck in the face and trying desperately to hold back tears." No comma after tightly.
"The most shy and timid girl in school just removed her shirt and was now waiting for me to turn around and stare at her." "Most shy" should be shyest.
"Her wide, terrified eyes locked with mine, and in that moment, they didn't seem physically capable of moving away." "In" should be "at."
"If I hadn't known better, I would have assumed that she was under trial, staring hopelessly at a man in a black robe who was about to decided if she was about to be sentenced to death or not." "decided" should be "decide"
"My voice couldn't help but waver in her presence; my words came out so quietly that she would have never heard what I told her if our faces weren't nearly touching in that moment." "in" should be "at."
"There is absolutely nothing in the known universe could ever make me more happy than the simple act of making her happy." "more happy" should just be "happier."
"Until, that is, I took off my shirt." No comma after "Until."
"Despite their considerable weight, they stood proudly on her chest, and seemed to bloat outwards." No comma after "chest."
"Then, I circled my lips tightly around where I knew the center of it was, and began to firmly drag my face across it, locking tightly onto different areas of her breast as my tongue continued to play with its dark center." No comma after "was."
"So, I let go of her breasts and her mouth, and pulled away for a moment." should be "So, I let go of her breasts and pulled away from her mouth for a moment."
"She looked nervous, but ready. But still, just to be sure..." No comma after "nervous."
"I can say with absolute certainty that neither of us have ever felt that blissfully happy ever before, or since." "have" should be "has."
"Her eyes darted around briefly, as if she was looking for an answer to my question." No comma after "briefly."
"I moved away, and then entered her properly, feeling her warm, wet insides around the tip of my dick as she groaned and shuttered at the sensation." No comma after "away."
"My eyes rolled into the back of my head as we pressed ourselves into each other, as if trying to will ourselves to squeeze out as much as we possibly could." No comma after "other."
"Yes it was," I instantly responded, opening my eyes to the sight of the most perfect smile achievable my humankind being directed my way." Need a comma after "Yes."
This is all of it. The mistakes don't take away from the story, they're just common mistakes. Like I said, I enjoyed reading this chapter and look forward to finishing the rest of the chapters.
9245476
"There is absolutely nothing in the known universe could ever make me more happy than the simple act of making her happy."
You said that I should replace "more happy" with "happier," which definitely makes more sense grammatically, but I think that the repetition of the word "happy" makes the sentence sound better than using two different words.
"It looked almost unnatural, as if someone had photoshopped someone else's tits onto a much smaller girl, and the instant the breasts ended, her body instantly went back to being smooth and flat, rather than have a natural curve connecting her chest to her navel."
You told me to remove the comma after "unnatural," but that simply doesn't sound right to me. I don't know, maybe I just need to rewrite the entire sentence later.
But either way, thanks for posting that list. I corrected literally everything else that you suggested.
It is going to be very awkward for everyone when Rainbow comes to pick you guys up.
Edit: Wow, she is absolutely shameless
I take it some of the work fluttershy does broke her hymen?
completely out of context, but when he said, "i'm going to turn around now" my mind immediately finished with "and you better be on fire... you're standing there in flames, and the only one whO CAN PUT YOU OUT IS ME, BECAUSE THAT IS ONLY CONCEIVABLE REASON THAT YOU WOULD WAKE ME UP LIKE THIS"
rainbow, i fucking love you right now XD
pffffffffFFFFFFFFFF
Ummm...
Well, yes.
Very much so.
9959010
Hey, thanks for all of the comments you've left me. I appreciate every one of them!
Heya. This was the chapter I almost quit reading because the protagonist forced Fluttershy to strip. You even acknowledge it in the story. Even though I know why you are doing it in the story I am not happy that it happened at all. The premise to force someone to be happy is not something I appreciate.
But you doubled down on it by letting Shy give her consent with conviction after that. Since I am a sucker for consent and I think it is sexy to write it this way you made up for it. As I said, you acknowledge in the story, that forcing Fluttershy to strip is wrong. So my guess is you didn't know how to write it any other way, didn't you? I must admit, I would have had that problem too. ^^
Last: From the very first item of clothing that dropped out of sky I KNEW that RD would catch them. But the way you implemented it was hilariously funny and spot on Rainbow Dash. ^^