I would be interested in the exalt and/or those rules. I like the he premise so far, this is well done.

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Sent as a pm

this is good

Neat! You write awesome stuff. Looking forward to more!

*prologue

Yes I remember there was another story that had the very same concept but the main character was male and he didn’t have any friends and Luna did not know if his existence and Tia constantly tortured him And he would laugh as she did it I have to find it somewhere

can you send me the rules as well ? im really curios how it works

Premise is very similar to Celestia's Prophet and Machinations in the Dark

But no worries.
If reworking a used premise was barred, fiction wouldn't exist.

This is good. Real good.
We see flashes of a mature Twilight and a character of interest that is both ominous and relatable.

Keep it up.

So yeah, every alien will b super overpowered, as that is the premise of the game. If anyone wants to know the exalt or the rules for the system I'll pass it your way.

Thanks for the warning. I actually think I'll give it a pass then, that concept doesn't sound like one I would find interesting.

Still, best of luck to you.

I saw Warp and Imperium, is this(at least partially) based on Warhammer 40k?

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The setting is a mixture of pretty much every setting you can think of. Including 40k pathfinder, shadowrun, and D&D

I also would be very interested in the details of the ruleset and such used, if you don't mind. My curiosity is most definitely piqued.

One small thing. Twilight said she would tell Demoin how many friends she could sense and if they were moving. She said they were moving, but not how many there were.

Fairly well written and intriguing. Watching it for the time being... maybe it will last longer than the other stories with a similar basis. Hopefully it does.

Honestly Celestia just seems like a cruel idiot here. Despite any possible actions she could commit, there seems no actual reason to be imprisoned.

9003325
I'm planning on explaining the why as the story unfolds. I probably should have made that more clear though.

There's a number of grammatical errors that took me out of the flow.

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I'll reread it and try to catch them, but if you want to point them out I'll gladly fix them that way as well. In the eternal flaw of writers, I tend to miss my own mistakes.

Faust know's

Faust knows

What I am about to show you Twilight is the most

commas before appellations.
What I am about to show you, Twilight

The door open and waiting.

This is a sentence fragment. Join it to the previous sentence using "with" or add "was" before "open"

breathes

breaths

Twilights inner librarian

Twilight's

trailed down her back

Using a gendered pronoun when it's supposed to be 'it'.

Yes, she was much to wild.

too

think it's to sketch

too, also I'd recommend 'sketchy'

the creatures name now.

creature's

Yes, they'removing.

spacing

And with that curt dismissal twilight left,

Twilight

Just those in this chapter.