Discovery
The hallways of the castle were, for the most part, in perfect harmony. All of the guards inside gave the place the feeling of being secure. Many of the nobles were inside the dining hall, waiting for the moment they could have a nice meal together. All were present, save two princesses.
It seemed like they were taking more time than usual, even for such high royalty. Celestia was notorious for showing up on time, all the time. It didn't take long for them to guess what was keeping her up for so long.
The reason was obvious inside her bedroom. Celestia was adding a few touches to her mane, but she looked confidant compared to the other princess in the room.
Luna, with her eyes glued to the mirror, was trying her best to make herself look at least somewhat presentable. She didn't have a clue what most of the makeup powder on the desk did, so she experimented with a yellow tipped brush.
"No, that will not do!" she groaned. The powder gave her blue fur a yellow coloring, and it looked hideous on her. She used a cloth to wipe it off, and went for a red brush instead.
"Am I bleeding? Does this brush cause you to bleed?" she asked as it left a liquid red stroke in its wake, and she wiped it off to find out it was just paint. "What use is there in something that gives the appearance of blood?"
"No, it's just makeup, Luna," Celestia said, coming in to check on her little sister. "It's supposed to help make your facial features appear more beautiful."
"Then why do none of these things ever work?" Luna complained.
Celestia laughed at that. It seemed like her sister had much more to learn, something she was willing to do.
"That's probably because none of these are your colors," she explained. "Here, try this one."
She used her horn to levitate a black brush over, and Luna picked it up with her hooves. The night princess stared at it for a while, afraid it wouldn't go as well.
"Go on," said Celestia. "See how it looks."
Hesitantly, Luna applied it below her eyes, and she was surprised to find she liked this one. It seemed to accent her eyes to stand out better.
"Marvelous," Luna commented. "I think I'm ready to make my appearance now."
She got off the stool and put the brush down. Celestia smiled as they both put their crowns back on, and trotted over to the exit.
Before they left, however, Luna sighed under her breath and took a seat on the floor, shaking her head. Celestia recognized what was happening and placed a comforting hoof on Luna's shoulder.
"I know what you're thinking," she said. "You think you're going to screw this up like you have the last few months."
Luna nodded, acknowledging she was listening.
"Now what’s bothering you this time?"
The moon princess didn't say anything. She was too embarrassed to admit what was on her mind.
"It's OK, I won't tell anypony else about it. You can say anything to me."
"I'm worried about the Royal Canterlot Voice," Luna confessed. "Every time I'm communicating with our subjects and I think it's going well, I end up using the Voice and it all comes to naught."
Oh, Celestia thought. That relic of the past. All right, you know how to handle this.
"The Voice? That's easier to handle than you think. Do you want to know how to solve this problem?"
"How, sister?"
"Don't think about it. You keep dwelling on those times the Voice ruined everything, but you've had a few times where you were able to talk to somepony without using it. Just focus on those memories, and tonight will go well."
Luna's head perked up, matching her eyes with her sister's. "You believe that's the solution? To not dwell on it?"
"I know so."
The moon princess responded by giving Tia a hug and grinning widely. Having said all they wanted, they opened the door and went outside to one of the castle's many hallways.
All of the guards saluted the sisters as they walked throughout the hallways, careful to leave a good impression on the recently returned Princess Luna. It warmed her heart that these ponies weren't cowering away like in Ponyville as they found the entrance to the dining hall.
The two guards standing watch bowed and slowly opened the enormous double doors, revealing a grand hall fit for the nobility of Canterlot. There was a gold tint to everything, from the floor to the paint of the walls.
A chandelier lit up the room and kept the yellow-gold theme of the place. There was a fireplace on top of that at the other end of the hall, and the curtains were pulled back to unveil a beautiful night sky outdoors.
Many of the nobles were seated at the long table within, going almost from end to end. Everypony from Prince Blueblood to Princess Cadance to Shining Armor, It was like a roll call of royalty inside, and they were all relieved that the celestial beings had finally arrived.
The seats that were the quickest to be noticed were located at the either end of the great table, and up to this point both had been vacant. One was adorned with the symbol of the sun and the other with the symbol of the moon.
As the princesses entered, the nobles had taken to standing out of respect, and each gave a polite bow. Upon being seated again, each was provided a glass of red wine by a waiter.
"Fillies and gentlecolts," Celestia announced, "it is my honor to welcome you all to our dining hall, for the monthly meeting of the family."
They raised their glasses in honor with their magic.
"And it is especially glorious, as this occasion marks the first meeting in over one thousand years for the Princess of the Night, my sister Luna. Therefore, I will give toasting honors over to her for tonight."
Luna let out a small gasp. She'd been tricked into this, and her hopes Tia would toast were crushed. She gulped and raised her glass, panicking as all eyes focused on her.
"Um...I appreciate this as much as anypony would," she muttered, with a slight sting of sarcasm intentionally added. "It has been a good year for me, having returned from my long banishment. I look forward to learning more of modern day Equestrian society, and I ask for your patience--"
"What did she say?" said one pony in the middle of the table. He was an elderly stallion, and sometimes his hearing would fail him. "Can you repeat that fancy speech of yours?"
"Of course," she responded, trying to keep composure. "I look forward to learning more about society--"
"What about learning about snakes?" he said. "Why would you want to know about snakes?"
"I mean society. Now that we have concluded--"
"What? You keep saying things about learning about slides?"
Luna shut her eyes, an angry slate on her face. Celestia saw where this was going, and hid her glass underneath the table.
The moon alicorn stomped the table at her end, and shouted in the Royal Canterlot Voice, "IT PLEASES ME TO HAVE RETURNED AFTER SUCH A LONG TIME, AND I LOOK FORWARD TO LEARNING MORE ABOUT TODAY'S SOCIETY. NOW, TOAST!"
Every unexposed glass on the table cracked underneath the sound of such a strong voice, and manes went flying in every direction. Some ponies even flew out of their seats as the Voice unleashed a powerful gust of wind down the table.
Luna had stopped her speech, and had gone bug-eyed as she realized she had done it again. She kicked the ground below her, and took her seat, noticing her cup was destroyed. Yet, hers was the only one, the others were just cracked.
"For Luna!" Celestia shouted, breaking the silence.
The nobles hesitatingly clanked their glasses together in toast, and that's when their glasses shattered. The dinner guests looked down as the red wine spilled everywhere, while Luna hid her face in shame. Celestia instructed the waiters get new glasses, while trying to cheer up her sister with a smile.
-----------
"It was not that bad, I swear to you," Celestia pleaded. "After you used that voice once, it went well. Blueblood commented that your eyeliner looked nice, and getting my nephew to say something nice to a mare was impressive on its own!"
Luna shook her head as they trotted to the castle library. It didn't matter what Tia was saying, because Luna wasn't listening.
For Luna, the whole dinner felt like a disaster from beginning to end. Even with the new glasses coming in, they couldn't clean up all the red wine in time, and the red stains reminded her how the Royal Canterlot Voice got the better of her again.
Instead of running to her own bedroom, Luna felt the idea of going to the peace and quiet of the library was exactly what she needed, and agreed to the proposal as soon as Tia made it.
"But don't you see? I couldn't help but use the Voice! I did try not to think about it, but I lost control at the last moment.”
"What did I tell you about it? Don't dwell on the moments you didn't do so well. Focus on how well the rest of the night went, and soon enough you won't need the Voice anymore."
"Did that work for you?"
"When the Voice became obsolete, yes. It took time though, just like it will take time for you, but I did it, and now I only use it when I'm pulling a prank on somepony."
Luna laughed as they arrived at the library. She chanced a glance through a window, and had to admit to herself just how marvelous her work was. She smiled at the pale blue glow that blanketed the room. She went for the history section, and found a book entitled “The Winds of Change: The Last 100 Years of Equestrian Technology Advancements.”
Curious about this book, she found a cushion on the floor to sit on and cracked it open. From page to page she was gripped, continually she absorbing every tidbit of information she could get.
Meanwhile, Celestia walked to her study desk and got back to business. There were letters she had to send to a lot of the local governments. Winter was only two months away, and she wanted to make sure Cloudsdale was ready for a guaranteed rough season this year.
Celestia glanced at her schedule, and noted Nightmare Night was just around the corner.
"Luna, are you still attending the Nightmare Night festival in Ponyville this year?" she asked.
Luna’s attention was drawn from the book by her sister’s question. "I wouldn't miss it for the world."
"I thought you didn't have a good time last year. Twilight told me everypony was running away from you because they thought you would gobble them up."
"That was before I discovered they liked being scared. Now that I know, I'm prepared to come again as Nightmare Moon to haunt everypony out of their candy."
"And that's a good thing, right?"
"Right," Luna smiled.
Celestia wasn’t as fond of the idea as Luna, but returned to writing her letters. She sent the weather warning item to Cloudsdale's mayor. She told Mayor Mare to beware Nightmare Moon; it was a very tongue-in-cheek letter.
Just as they left to travel to their destination, a sealed letter popped into existence in front of Celestia. Luna was so interested in it she came over to the desk. "Who is it from, sister?"
Celestia’s magic held the letter suspended above the both of them, and opened the seal to reveal the contents.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned how damaging some secrets are. Even though you should absolutely keep your promises and not tell the secrets of the ones that trust you, sometimes those secrets can harm other ponies' feelings. That is why you should be honest and upfront with them, and they will always understand you in the end.
Signed, Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle.
"What is the meaning of this?" Luna questioned. "What exactly does this mean?"
"Oh, you must not know about the Friendship Reports," Celestia said.
"Friendship Reports? Are they as the name suggests?"
"Yes, Luna. Part of the reason I had Twilight Sparkle move to Ponyville was to learn about the magic of friendship. She writes a letter like this one once she has discovered a new lesson about it, and recently her friends are all doing the same."
"Would you mind if I read over this one again?"
"Of course."
Celestia passed Luna the letter, and Luna laid it on top of the technology book. She read over it several times, pondering the contents closely.
It did seem strange to Luna that friendship could be considered magic, but then it had been the Elements of Harmony that defeated her so long ago. The bearers of the Elements were Twilight and five other ponies that would become her friends. What place did Luna have arguing the power of friendship then?
Now that she was thinking about it, it was Twilight that had helped her out one year ago, at that infamous Nightmare Night festival. That time where the Voice got the better--
No, she wasn't going to think about that anymore. Instead, she would just think about what Twilight had done during that time. That unicorn did seem to be more than happy to help a princess out, which was odd. Usually it was the opposite.
She looked over the letter again, and the letter popped out to her more. The lesson Twilight learned was very true indeed. Luna was guilty of not letting Celestia know just how upset she was about everypony sleeping during the night, until it was too late and she took the mantle of Nightmare Moon.
The way the letter made her think of herself had her wondering if there wasn’t more to this friendship report business.
"Sister, are there more of these reports from Twilight someplace?"
Celestia finished the first sentence of her current letter before looking back up. "I have them stored up inside my desk here. Why are you interested in them all of the sudden?"
"It's for personal reasons."
The sun sister got the hint and pulled a drawer out of the lower parts of the desk. Inside were all of the numerous letters Twilight had sent since her arrival in Ponyville, every single lesson she ever learned, and those Celestia had sent back to help Twilight out when Discord reshaped the town.
She levitated them out of the drawer, and put them right above Luna's head, and Luna gripped them up with her own magic.
"Please take good care of them; you never know when you might need these."
"I know how important these are. I will make sure you get them back the way you remember them."
Luna galloped past the library doors and into her bedroom, eager to begin reading again.
The princess of the night's bedroom was a recent addition to the castle of Canterlot, and the design reflected that. The walls were painted to an impressionable light purple, occasionally dotted with a star or two.
Within this room, there was a stairway to a mini observatory located above, its main feature a powerful telescope that could observe the stars when Luna could not be up there in person.
Also present was a massive bed, enough for many ponies to sleep with in with room left over. The blanket was a dark blue closely resembling the color of Luna's coat, and dotted with a black spot and a crescent moon inside, designed after Luna's cutie mark.
She went to her own study desk, and laid all the friendship reports out in organized piles. There were so many she didn't know which one to start with. And to think, these were just Twilight's reports.
Eventually she decided on one, and opened the seal to unravel the paper. It was just as marvelous as the previous report, and in curiosity she went ahead and opened another one. And another. And another. Maybe one more. Got to keep going.
It was all mind blowing, until she found the one Twilight had written that Nightmare Night. It had felt like such a long time, but she remembered it vividly all the same.
Dear Princess Celestia,
When you first sent me to Ponyville, I didn't know anything about friendship. I met somepony tonight who was having the same problem - your sister, Princess Luna! She taught me that one of the best things you can do with friendship is to give it to others, and help them find it themselves! And I'm happy to report that all of Ponyville has learned that even though somepony seems a little intimidating, even scary, when you offer them your friendship, you'll discover a whole new pony underneath. And even if my Star Swirl the Bearded costume didn't go over, this still turned out to be the best Nightmare Night ever!
Signed, your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
Luna read it slowly, wanting to get every meaning out of it. It was then that she realized she was doing something she hadn't done in a while: Crying. This was one of the most touching things anypony had written about her in thousands of years. She wiped away the tears and returned back to reading it.
The good memories of that time in Ponyville were rushing back to her mind. It was so amazing to her, that somepony like Twilight was willing to do that for her. She sniffed and held back more tears just thinking about it.
Suddenly she realized she was feeling something strange in her chest area. She didn't know what it was, except that it felt warm. Maybe it was all that wine coming back to bite her in the flank, but then she didn't feel sick at all.
So what was it then? Maybe she just really liked learning about the magic of friendship too? Couldn't be that. She trotted around in circles thinking about it.
Then she recalled the reports. They had done more than just talk about good morals to Luna. Much more. Through them she could read between the lines and get a general image of Twilight's personality.
Twilight Sparkle was clearly a bookworm, with her vocabulary and style of writing. But that part didn't interest Luna in the slightest. Instead, she saw that the unicorn was a generous pony, more than willing to stand up and/or help her friends when they needed it the most. She saw a pony that was clever, and who spoke from the mind but had a heart as well.
Oh no, Luna thought. Does this mean what I think it does? There's no way it can be...
She read through the reports a second time to make sure of it. And every time she did, the warm sensation in her chest resurfaced, again and again. She read them again, trying to convince herself it wasn't what she had feared.
But then the thought came to mind: Why be afraid of it?
Because I wouldn't know what to do if this was really how I felt.
That's when her mental walls crumbled, and she was forced to admit the truth to herself:
"I'm in love with Twilight Sparkle."
Every emotion possible hit her at once. Anger, joy, frustration, fear and hope. She collapsed to her bed without warning, trying to make sense of it. She was fighting herself to admit she had fallen in love with Twilight, thinking about how it felt so wrong and yet so good.
What was she supposed to do now? Go and tell the unicorn? Or hide it away forever?
That's when she looked up the most recent report again, one that seemed to answer her question.
That is why you should be honest and upfront with them, and they will always understand you in the end.
"I have to tell her," Luna said to herself. "I have to tell her I love her, and that's that. But how will she react to this? No, I can't ask that question right now. I have to find out myself...but how will I ask her?"
It was then that she remembered Nightmare Night was soon approaching. The ultimate opportunity was presenting itself in front of her hooves. It was brilliant, and she had to do it soon.
So for the remainder of the night, she plotted out how she wanted to reveal her love to Twilight. It would have to be carefully done, and in private with the student. It would take a lot of work, but it would be worth it in the end.
After midnight, the plans were completed. They were flimsy all around, but it was a plan. A lot would be left to chance still, but she was going to do it anyways.
She put the written plans up in her closest, before she was interrupted by a knock on the door. Whoever was knocking had a lot of strength, implying it was somepony important.
Luna rushed to the door and opened it wide, to reveal Shining Armor in all his...well, armor.
"Hello, Princess Luna. Is everything in this wing safe and sound?" he asked.
"Yes, yes it is," she said back. "Other than the changeling invasion, I don't think there's been any trouble inside these grounds. I'm sure Celestia has given her thanks for thwarting that with your wife, I imagine.”
"She has, thanks for your comments." He noticed the large stack of papers on the study desk, all opened. "What is that in your room, if you don't mind me asking?"
"Those?" she said, realizing one of her secrets was out in the open. "Those are all the friendship reports Twilight's been sending to Celestia. My sister loaned them to me, and I have to say, I'm very impressed."
"Thank you," Shining blushed. "We couldn't have defeated the changelings without her help."
"I understand that fully. But," she said, blushing back. "Um...could I ask you a personal question?"
It was odd, Luna asking after personal lives. "Anything you command, Princess."
"I hope this is not strange for you, but how did you feel when you first realized you loved Cadance?"
Shining jumped back, not thinking it would be that type of question. Still, at least it wasn't about how things were in the sack like some of the other Guards asked.
"I...I felt happier than I ever had before. All I wanted to do was to hang out with her all the time."
"And did you feel a warmth in your chest?"
"I did. It was the best feeling I ever experienced."
Luna nodded. She really was in love with Shining's sister.
"Thank you, that's all I wanted to ask."
She shut the door in Shining's face, and jumped into the bed. She fully embraced the idea that she was in love, and it was the best feeling ever for her, too. All she could think about was Twilight, her beauty and her brains. It was all beautiful, and she wished she could skip time to meet with the unicorn sooner.
She eventually acknowledged that that was silly talk, and paused her gushing. Wow, is that how falling in love feelings to most ponies? The fun has been quadrupled!
Looking forward to her visit to Ponyville in a few days, she somehow managed to get drowsy enough to get sleepy, and shut her eyes.
Sometime after she had dozed off, Celestia came inside, and found all the reports spread out around the table. They were all in one piece, but spread around like a giant mess. Didn't matter, they still looked good as new. She found new seals inside the desk and applied them one by one to the letters, and hovered them in a neat arrangement.
Before she left, she walked up to the bedside, seeing Luna sound asleep and with a smile. The night wasn't a disaster to her anymore. Celestia was thrilled that her sister had found some peace in the reports, and kissed her on the forehead.
She walked out the door and took the reports back into the library, stacking them back into the drawer inside the desk. But there was one report she was wanting to re-read, the one Twilight had written after meeting Zecora for the first time. She left that one open, and found the paper had been stained with numerous blue lipstick stains, especially around Twilight Sparkle's name.
Celestia pretended she didn't see anything, and wrapped the letter back into the desk, already knowing the reasoning behind it. She wasn't going to say it to Luna just yet. That can wait later.
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why am I a sucker for these kind of stories?
thumbs up and track
I really couldn't even get all the way through this. There are just so many grammar mistakes, misspellings, typos, and awkwardly-worded sentences that it's a bit of a bother to read. I can get through your comedies better because being funny lets me ignore such things, but in what is supposed to be a serious piece I just can't. You really need to proofread your material. I've seen stories with far worse and far more frequent mistakes, but it just gets distracting. It makes it seem as though you didn't really put any effort into writing it. If you can't even be bothered to read through what you've written carefully enough to pick up on the numerous mistakes, why should anyone else read it?
Is English not your first language? If so, I do apologize for being a bit harsh. I've always been a bit of a stickler for grammar and such. If that is the case, I would suggest looking into some free online lessons on grammar. The awkwardly-worded sentences will eventually disappear on their own as you get more accustomed to the strange workings of English. Really, though, even if English isn't your first language, some mistakes are just glaringly obvious. Take this sentence for example: "Now what/s bothering you this time?" Just looking over that I think you can find an error. I see so much potential in your writing, but please, please proofread your work!
You know what I want to see? A romance that doesn't end happily. One where feelings aren't reciprocated. That'd be cool.
988493
Taking down story until further notice.
Hey, don't do that. Ignore what the other guy said. Say what you will but I happen to have a soft spot for stories like this. If you do take it down, well, I will understand and lament the loss of a good story. If your grammar is bad, then just take your time and go over the chapter before you submit it. I am a stickler for grammar as well but it wasn't THAT bad. I still read through the whole thing and I liked what I saw. I say that this story has the potential to be a good one. Please do not be discouraged by negative comments. Constructive criticism is fine but to put someone down is not necessary. Now I am not pointing fingers or anything nor am I trying to make someone mad, this is just my opinion. Please don't take down this story. It looks good so far and could be great if given the chance.
this story is awesome. screw grammar, gimme story. i got a nice amount of hate on my fanfic, and now it's 43 chapters strong. so don't worry what they say, write what you want to and entertain those of us who appreciate a story not for grammar, but for the story itself.
sorry for my grammar but i am English but i'm very dyslexic so it's hard for me to see what's wrong with my English, sorry
how come i can't see this in my favs, in the search or in you list of stories.
i love this story but I'm scared I'm can't read anymore as it's not showing up
989096
It was taken down for a minute. It will go up again soon, and I do have a friend who's volunteering as an editor for the story, Destinae Spring or LadyDestinae, whatever name he goes by on this site.
989132
oh good ish
oh sorry i read the that reply wrong sorry (note: i only read it because of "Is English not your first language" cort my eye)
at least you English isn't as bad as mine, my English is a joke http://tiavik.deviantart.com/gallery/34780148#/d37h72l
989178
Wait...does this mean you're from another country? If so, which one?
989233
im was born in England and in England. im just very dyslexic
Celestia knows. She always knows.
988584
)
I have seen several. i cant remember the names ...
in one Twiluna Twilight ends up dying from a broken heart.
in another Celestia confesses to Twilight just to hear the dreaded "i love you but im not in love with you" speech.
and those were not even the grimdark ones. (i try to avoid grimdark
992695
Oh sheesh...I admit I plan to have a bittersweet ending, but not like either one of those two.
As long as no one dies from a broken heart!
I cried for an hour after i read that one.
I love the story and cant wait to see more.
993815
I was depressed for a whole week after The Last Crusade. I really don't want to read another fic that sad again...although I have a story that depressing planned for the future..
Alright, DestinaeSpring just wrapped up his edit of chapter 1, and it's now up. Whew, he edits fast. Now onto Chapter 2!
This an adorably fabulous story.
I can't wait for the next chapter to be posted!
Shining jumped back, not thinking it would be that type of question.
"recoiled" is the perfect word to use there.
Overall from what I see so far, the story could be interesting, but there are three things that get in the way of faving this.. two, which are related --
inappropriate tense changes, and excessive use of the passive voice;
and also, telling rather than showing.
It seemed like they were taking more time than usual, even for such high royalty. Celestia was notorious for showing up on time, all the time. It didn't take long for them to guess what was keeping her up for so long.
The reason was obvious inside her bedroom. Celestia was adding a few touches to her mane, but she looked confidant compared to the other princess in the room.
Luna, with her eyes glued to the mirror, was trying her best to make herself look at least somewhat presentable. She didn't have a clue what most of the makeup powder on the desk did, so she experimented with a yellow tipped brush.
Notice how many times you use 'was'.. EVERY sentence except the first and last, in that excerpt. Not only is that tiresome to read, but it distances the reader from what's happening. 'was', 'were', 'is' -- these are all signs that you are using the passive voice. Character dialogue and second-person narrative are the places where it's normal to encounter passive voice.
"She didn't have a clue.." is a perfect example of telling rather than showing.
(btw, the 'a' highlighted in red is a spelling error, it should be changed to an 'e')
Here's a version rewritten in active voice, with some of the telling converted to showing:
Time dragged on as the members of the court awaited the Royal Sisters. They well knew Celestia's penchant for constant punctuality, and quickly came to a consensus on the cause of the hold-up.
Inside her bedroom, Celestia added a few subtle touches to her mane. Her confidence presented quite a contrast to the other princess in the room - who, eyes glued to the mirror, struggled to make herself look even somewhat presentable. Fumbling through the different make-ups on the desk, Luna hesitantly brushed on some yellow powder.
I also found it necessary to remove any redundancies (for example, Luna is by definition the 'other princess', so explicitly naming her is unnecessary until the following sentence.)
Hope that helps. I will be tracking you and hope to see your writing skills improve to match the quality of your ideas.
i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/000/554/facepalm.jpg
Sorry, but I really can't get behind the idea of someone that is like... 1... 2.. 3... "OMG you're my soul mate and I love you forever! even through I know nothing about you! and it seems kinda creepy and stalker-like to love someone through a bunch of letters never intended for my eyes!" yeah... that doesn't really float with my boat (I like to have romance to sink in a bit, like making sense... just like i've always hated christians going like "i love jesus" and then they go say shit like they know him in their hearts... i swear... religious people are fucking retards), I'll give the next chapter a change to redeem this story. Also the part with Luna kissing one of the letters? Kinda creepy... oh, not to mention, Luna having trouble with finding a fitting colour for make-up? If shes an artiest then that shouldn't be a problem whatsoever. No matter, looking forward to the next chapter and best of luck! :)
I'm not doing romance stories anymore after this. Might cancel this one soon.
988584
*reads comment while listening to 'Luna' by Alex S.*
Song: "Is there any way to fix a broken heart?"
*bass drop*
Reads a few lines of text from a mare you barely know... I'M IN LOVE WITH HER!
Honestly it just felt abit rushed... But nevertheless I'm going to read on
Quite cute and good, but the "I'm in love" thingie came MUCH too quickly. She's barely met her, only spent one night with her, and reading her reports makes her fall in love?
It doesn't feel like there's much reason for Luna to fall in love, really.
I take it you guys are thoroughly done insulting the author? Maybe you need to get over any mistakes you see.
'Oh no, there is a grammatical error and now I shall DIE!'
You guys just really need to appreciate that these people use their time to write fics for you, and if it isn't good enough you really need to leave it alone. I find it very depressing that despite how obviously depressed the author was, you still managed to tell him 5 times to change his storyline.
You are here to read. If you do not like it, read something else. Or write, if that catches your fancy
ANYWAY, now that I'm done ranting, I'd like to mention how much I enjoyed this story. You actually had me scared in the epilogue, you tricky one! I'd LOVE to see more fics like this, but I do understand that this was painful for you, and I hope that you'll be a bit more cheery soon
2265194
BS. Complete and utter BS. I'm just glad this crap didn't come from the author. I would have immediately stopped reading the story.
Anyone worth their salt in writing wants to get better, so they're going to want feedback. Anyone who says "No negative reviews" or "Keep any complaints to yourself, I only want to hear how awesome I am" Needs to just not write. I already think that writers on this website take criticism extremely poorly. To see a statement like the one you made, just makes me sick. Yer makin' the whiners and cryers look mature.
1017757
For the love of Celestia, I can't believe you considered canceling this over a bit of criticism..
This is not a bad story. So you're never going to write a romance again, just because people didn't think your story is perfect? I hope that's not the only reason. What's going to happen when your next non-romance isn't perfect? Quit that genre forever too?
Anyway, I'm more inclined to believe that Luna fell in love with Twilight on Nightmare Night, than I am to believe that Luna fell in love with Twilight over letters. I feel this to the extreme that I feel that Every Twiluna (Twuna?) story should have one or both mares' feelings starting at Nightmare Night, and that it's ridiculous that anypony would fall in love over letters.
I started this story, reading over my brother's shoulder while he was on chapter 4, and we both got to chapter 5 or 6 before he went to sleep and I started the story over from the beginning. And I have to say, I was really liking what I read. But that beginning has to be edited. Luna can't fall in love with Twilight over letters. Fortunately, it would not take much effort to make it imply that the letters only made her realize she was in love with Twilight, and that it had all started from Luna's first Nightmare Night after her return. A couple words, in fact, would change the entire situation and make it much, much more believable. It almost seems like that's what you intended anyway, and just didn't get the message across clearly enough. You don't HAVE to do this, because it's your story, and this is just my opinion....but I seriously recommend it. And it would be a less extensive edit then nixing the effect of the letters altogether.
Characters falling in love much too quickly...at least using the word "love" is a common mistake in stories on this site. That's not quite a problem here, because if this began on Nightmare Night then Luna has had a whole year for this to set in, plus continued exposure to Twilight Sparkle. Her show of concern in her voice during "A Canterlot Wedding" as well as that interesting mix of "fearing for her safety" and jealousy we see in Luna during "The Crystal Empire" already makes feelings toward Twilight plausible. If anything the letters are a reasonable catalyst to realizing it, just not a reasonable cause. I've read stories that had two characters who barely knew each other use the word "love" after one day and I think that's stupid...but since it's been a year since Nightmare Night, I'm just going to assume that Twilight and Luna have been friends since then. Maybe not close friends, as she's a princess and Twilight doesn't get that much time with her mentor (so she'd see Luna less than that), but it makes it much more plausible than that love-at-first-day stuff or "it was the letters".
It also seems to me that when people write romance, they don't understand the concept of "I fancy you, I want to get to know you, but I don't love you...yet. I'm curious where these budding feelings will go once I get to know you more"...and just replace all that with "I love you!" I'm not saying a character has to say all that, I'm talking about just the feeling itself. Everyone seems to want to tack on the word 'love' right during the beginning of the dating phase, which is inappropriate.
Obviously, I don't agree with the people who talked as if Twilight and Luna were complete strangers to each other and don't know each other well enough to have budding feelings for romance. But I do feel that falling in love over the letters was not a good thing. The kissing the letters part was cute. Makes since too, if she fell in love with Twilight during Nightmare Night a year ago instead). If you're going to change this so that it's clear she fell in love with Luna during Nightmare Night and the letters caused her to realize that, all it would take is a few extra words slipped into that scene on the subject. It doesn't need a complete overhaul. Normally I say using the word "love" at this point would be bad...but if you do change it so that she's had romantic feelings buried within since Nightmare Night, then the word "love" isn't so bad.
I'm going to pretend that an actual indication was made about it being Nightmare Night that start the feelings, with the letters only making her realize it, regardless of whether you actually plan on editing it, because otherwise it would kill the story for me....and from what I've read in 4-6, it's a stellar story. Precious sustenance for a Twiluna fan.
fc02.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/025/d/8/sweet_moment_by_jungleanimal-d4njr17.png
"confident"
Nicknames are for dialogue, not for descriptions. "Her sister" works if you don't want to repeat her name.
"It" shouldn't have a capital 'I', and this sentence would feel less like a run-on if you dropped the "Everypony".
"continually absorbing" (no "she"), or better yet just "absorbing".
ok cadence and clestia and luna are all sisters shining maried cadence that means ist this a bet of naanananananaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh my head exploded
5392999 actually no celestia, luna are sisters, cadence is celestia's adopted niece (see g.m burrow's a crystal heart spell) though that correction doesn't exactly help, the confusing nature of the family.(I tried making a family tree of it, and got stuck on that one detail.)
666th like.
I continue to be an Obligatory Omen.
1017415
You raise some good points.
Points that were almost lost because of the crack on christians. I've been one since I was nine, and I'm highly well-read with an extensive vocabulary. So, if you don't want people to ignore what you have to say- or down vote it -then keep such comments to those you know personally.
Lipstick incident... First thought? Kissing the report, second? Falling asleep face first into it!!!
I haven't read any mlp ff in a LOOONGGG time (yeah like 8 years-)
BUT I LOVE THESE TYPES OF FANFICS BECAUSE I LAUGH SO MUCH
Ya......you couldn't....in fact you almost destroyed all of Equestria, honestly the Canterlot wedding episode was probably my least favorite episode in the entire show, especially the "apology" Twilight has received at the end of it all, only Applejack apologized, nobody else.