D.N.A: Damn Not Again

by Chemtest

Sofa

Ponies scream and dodge as the peaceful afternoon in Canterlot is ruined by three fucking idiots.

Turner screams the loudest as the couch starts to pick up speed down the cobbles streets, “What do we do?!”

Chem looks at his available resources, and comes up with a solution, “Spike got us into this mess, he’ll get us out of it!”

He picks up Spike, and holds him to the right of the couch.

He yells, “Fire!”

Spike lets loose his fire out of pure fear, and the couch is shifted sideways.

Chem smiles and laughs, “It works!” He climbs up, looking down the street, “Right, quickly!”

Spike breathes once more, and they narrowly avoid a group of foals.

Chem shouts once more, “Left! Left!”

Spike rushes over, and continues his work.

Once again, they narrowly avoid something, a family of ducks in this case.

Time Tuner faces Chem, “We got fliers!”

Chem turns around to see a squad of pegasi guards flying high above him. He quickly uses his magic, and steals a slingshot from a kid they are passing by. He shoves it into Turner’s hooves, “Shoot them!”

Time Turner fumbles with it, “Me?! I don’t know how to use this!”

Another one joins them on the couch, as Derpy flies down to them. She takes the slingshot for herself, “I got it!”

She flies back into the air, and starts to shoot down the pegasi from up close.

Chem looks forward again, issuing another command, “Left! Turner, get on the right!””

Turner follows his commands, sliding over to the right side of the huge couch. He instantly spots what he is supposed to do.

Prince Blueblood is running in an ally, with a squad of guards giving him chase. He looks behind him, but hears Turner’s voice, “Jump!”

Blueblood listens, and jumps as he exits the ally. He finds himself impacting a couch, and a brown hoof pulls him all the way on.

He looks around to see Chem issuing orders to Spike as they try to avoid any obstacles. Turner smiles at him, and Blueblood looks at the street, “Chem, we’re going the wrong way!”

Chem looks over at him, “Then navigate us to the nearest gate!”

Blueblood jumps up, and begins issuing orders of his own, “Spike, ally on the left!”

Spike rushes to the right, causing Turner to move over. He breathes with all his strength, and they go flying into the ally, and onto another street.

Chem looks up in the air, seeing guards falling from the sky. Not dead, but unconscious. He turns his eyes to the ground, and sees another one of them running on the street.

Turner sees her as well, and looks at Chem, “If we add more weight to this thing, it will be uncontrollable!”

Chem nods, “Then I will remove weight!”

Tuner picks up on his meaning, quickly, “No, you’ll be caught!”

Chem smiles, “Maybe I will, maybe I won’t, doesn’t really matter. You guys get away and I’m happy! Besides, when did danger ever stop me?”

He jumps off, and lands running on the cobbled street.

He shouts, “Fleur, to your right!”

She looks, and takes the hoof Turner offers her. She is pulled onto the couch, and it goes speeding away on the hilly path.

Turner looks back at Chem, seeing him being surrounded by guards.

Chem looks around him as guards encircle him, covering both ground and air. He smiles, “So, you’re probably wondering how I ended up in this wacky situation.”

One guard smirks, “Tell it to Celestia.”

Chem raises an eyebrow, “You make it sound like you are going to take me to her. In reality, however, you have left my escape wide open.”

He rushes at one of the guards, jumping through the air. He lands on the guard’s head, and uses it to backflip onto the head of one of the pegasi guards. He then bounces off of them even higher up, landing on another pegasus head.

He flips off of them, and onto the roof of the building.

He lands confidently, and continues his previous run to the edge of the roof. Once again, he jumps, but he lands on the next building’s roof.

He continues to parkour across the rooftops, with pegasi guards giving chase.

They almost catch up to Chem, until one of them have a rock fly and hit the side of their head.

Derpy flies down to Chem’s level, letting loose with stones at the guards following him. Each shot rings true, and the guards eventually all fall.

Chem runs until he reaches the final rooftop. He looks down at the guards below, and jumps a final time.

In midair, his hoof is caught by Derpy, and she lifts him away. They both fly over the walls of Canterlot, far away from harm.

Down below, the couch nears the gates. However, the gates seem to be closed.

A unicorn stands on top of the wall, and he twirls a bag of gold around his hoof, “Well, all I’m saying is that opening that gate could mean I will accidentally drop this bag somewhere. Or, maybe more bags.”

The mare cocks an eyebrow, “How many bags?”

Fancy sighs, “Well, hypothetically, six.”

The mare hits the lever, opening the gates. Fancy smiles, and drops six bags of gold.

He walks to the edge of the wall, “Ta-ta, my dear!”

He vaults over it, but instead of hitting the ground, he hits a couch.

Turner looks at Fancy, and smiles. Fancy nods at him, “Where’s Chem? Or Derpy?”

Turner points into the air, where they see two ponies soaring right above them. Fancy could almost swear that Chem smiled down at them.

The couch continues down the mountain, with the two floating above it.

———

The couch makes it’s way through the Everfree, managing to dodge trees with Spike’s fire.

They allow it to continue on, until it comes to an inevitable stop.

The five get off of it, and the other two fly down to meet them. Chem smiles, “Follow me, I think I saw something this way.”

They move through the forest, until they come across a ravine. Turner looks across, “What is that?”

Chem smiles, and motions at the castle, “Our new home!” He then nods, “We need a base for our operations, right? And a castle makes sense. So welcome to Slane Castle!”

Comments

[jen_lee_hattie]

welp it was fun reading this rewrite hope to see more soon.