D.N.A: Damn Not Again

by Chemtest

Rise

He sits at a table, tilting back his glass and consuming the amber liquid within.

His eyes glare at those around him, roudy, rude, rash, human. It is his greatest shame to be a part of the same race as them. They are capitalized by a pair of glasses, making his glare all the more obvious from a squint. No body comes around the young looking boy, except for the bartender.

He orders up another glass of whiskey, wishing to enjoy one of the few good things his fellow humans have ever done. If he cannot isolate himself away physically, then he will mentally.

But his plan is ruined as someone takes a seat across from him.

A tall, weightless figure in purple robes that flow in a nonexistent wind. When he speaks, his voice seems to reverberate in the filled room, “Hello there. I am Edis, God of Endings.”

He glares at the tall figure, “Austin. And I expect you to not call me anything but that. Please tell me, why the hell are you annoying me?”

Edis nods, “Well, if I am being honest, I am here to make sure that you don’t move from this table.”

He laughs, and stands up, “Well, allow me to be the cause for your failure in that mission.”

Edis gets up, and follows after him, “What, don’t want to enjoy a few more drinks? It is your Twenty First, after all. How about I pay for a few more?”

He looks back, “I can afford my own death-water, I don’t need your charity. Now, how about you get the hell out of my face before I force you away?”

Edis shrugs, “You can try, but you don’t have enough time.”

He glares, “What are you talking about?”

With the last word coming out of his mouth, the screaming starts. All around him, Irish men and women start to run, looking up into the sky.

He looks up himself, only to see the sky rip itself apart with a white, holy light. A bridge of light seems to be falling right towards the ground from the sky, and winged figures fly out of the fissure.

He is then shaken as the ground below him opens, a hellish red light painting the previously dark streets. Huge, red men crawl up from the crevice, each carrying a different weapon and wearing different armors. A bridge of hellfire starts to rise from the ground.

Edis smiles, and shoves him onto the path where the two bridges will collide, “Have a good trip.”

He looks up as the holy light crashes down upon him, mixing with the hellish light on the spot where he stands.

The pressure crushes him in every conceivable way, breaking each atom beyond their electromagnetic force.

It eventually becomes too much, and his body relents to the different energies going through it.

He is shot across the universe in a quantum slingshot, his conscious mind retreating into his glasses, leaving his Id and Superego to take over his body, even as it changes form.

———

Chem shoots awake from the dream, panting deeply. He reaches a hoof up to his head, and feels a bit of cold sweat below his horn.

He takes a second before exiting his shoddily constructed wooden cabin. He picks up a bottle of whiskey he left outside to chill, and takes a deep sip from it.

He sighs in contentment, and looks at a set of rallies on a wooden plank he has carried with him. He marks another on there, and counts, “Hmm... one hundred and fifty three. That’s... five months? Yeah, sounds like five months.”

He looks around his makeshift camp, right on the outskirts of Ponyville.

He learned quickly that towns, cities, and even the tiniest hamlet were a no-go for him. He would be chased around by crazy mares demanding that he be captured and given a mare escort. From the moment he stepped hoof out of Tall Tale, he has been living as a rouge. After all, he can’t produce whiskey worth a damn, so he has to get it from somewhere.

He smiles, and activates his magic.

He uses one of the most useful abilities in his new body. He can command energy, called mana, to do his will. And apparently, unlike other unicorns, he can use it to reconstruct matter into a different form.

Right now, he simply takes a bunch of leaves from around him, and makes a camouflaged suit to blend into the Forest.

He would just walk, but his body does not carry many natural colors. A dirty grey is only useful in winter, and neon teal doesn’t really blend into anywhere anytime of the year, so his hair and mane are a unkempt cause. Not to mention his bright blue eyes that will pierce any chance of anypony looking past him.

So he wears his camouflage, and walks to the town, ready to scout it out.

He eventually arrives after a short walk, and he instantly spots his target.

Berry Punch’s Alcohol.

His smile widens even further, and he watches the building intently.

———

The store has long since closed, yet Berry Punch herself has not come out. Yet, being twelve at night, she is either sleeping or too drunk to notice him.

He quietly pushes open the door, Ponyville having such low crime rates, they leave their doors unlocked.

He enters, and the moonlight shines in just enough for him to read the different labels on his tasty treasures.

He smiles, seeing the moonlight reflecting off an amber liquid.

He reaches up, taking the bottle of whiskey, and slipping it into a makeshift bag.

He then turns around, and accidentally jumps back when he sees a mare sleeping in a chair. She isn’t awake, to his luck.

However, not to his luck, are the bottles of alcohol that start to tip over.

One by one, they all fall over.

The first is a ‘Damn Daiquiri’.

Then a ‘Why Is This Happening Whiskey’.

Next is a ‘Bollix Bourbon’.

Finally, is a ‘Oh Shit Sarsaparilla’.

They all shatter on the floor, and each shatter causes Chem to flinch.

Berry Punch doesn’t stir at all.

Chem sighs in relief, until he sees another bottle fall over.

The cover is of a raised hoof, called the ‘Fuck You Vodka’.

When it shatters against the floor, Berry Punch awakes.

Chem smiles as the mare gasps at him, “Well, shit, this isn’t according to plan. If you don’t mind, I’m going to just skedaddle before I fuck up even more.” He then takes a bottle of wine from her hooves, “I hope you don’t mind, really, but I gotta satisfy my thirst, you know? So please don’t be a cunt and-“

She starts screaming.

He sighs, “Start screaming in fear. Really, you’d think more people would listen to that suggestion, but nope! They just want to worm their vocal cords!” He smiles, “Well, thanks for the whiskey! Goodnight!”

With this said, Chem flees from the store.

He runs into the Everfree Forest, creating an odd ‘whooping’ sound along the way.

———

The sun rises in the distance, and Chem is dancing around the fire in the middle of his camp.

He takes a deep swig from his whiskey bottle, and laughs in joy.

“It’s time to sing the campfire song!
And it’s not stopping ‘til the alcohol’s gone!
So it’s gonna last all day long!
Until the dawn is long bygone!”

He takes a swig from the wine in his other telekinesis, and throws more logs on the fire.

“For my name is Chem,
Alcohol is my greatest gem!
Out here in the great big wood!
I’d drink for longer if I could!”

He continues his nonsensical dance around the fire, only to have a pink blur come shooting out of the Forest, and take the wine from his telekinesis.

The new pink pony chugs the entire thing down, and smiles as well.

“Well I hate to see you dance all alone,
For what’s the point of a song if it’s not well known?
For my name is Pinkie Pie,
So let’s drink and sing til the bottle and our throat is dry!”

Chem smiles, and they link arms. They spin around, kicking their hooves out as they sing.

“For what’s the point of a drink if you don’t have a friend!
If nopony heard it, what’s the point of a song in the end?
So rise your glass up high and take a drink!
For the campfire some now has a singer who is pink!”

They break their arm connection, and get ready to sing even further.

They never get the chance, as a mare shouts out, “Stop right there!”

Chem stops in his tracks, right in the middle of a swig. He finishes the drink, keeping eye contact all the while.

Princess Twilight glares at him, “You know stallions aren’t allowed to have alcohol! And why did you break into Berry Punch’s store?!”

Chem sighs, and picks up the bottle in his hooves, “Look, do you really want to do this? Let me tell you, you don’t, so how about you just move along? Live and let live, right? Or will you be a cunt instead?”

Twilight lights up her horn, “I will take you back to Ponyville, and we will find a mare to help you, please? It’s obvious you aren’t well.”

Chem smirks, his horn lighting up very slightly. A branch moves form a tree to right behind Twilight’s head, “Sure, catch me if you can!”

He swings the branch, knocking it into the back of her head, and knocking her out cold.

A blue mare, Rainbow Dash, lands in the clearing, “Where’s the mare that did that!?”

Chem shakes his head, “There is no mare, only me. So come on, face my Irish wrath!”

He puts up his hooves in a boxing stance, only to be punched in the face by Rainbow flying at high speeds.

He goes flying back, and crashes through the walls of his ramshackle cabin. The entire building collapses, but he luckily landed just on the other side.

A bit of blood leaks from his muzzle, which he lets soak in.

The bottle of whiskey lands right next to him, which he picks up.

He takes a swig of it whist still laying down.

He sighs, “It’s gonna be one of those days, isn’t it?”

Comments

[Cauchemar]

Aw shit, here we go again.

[Chri330v]

I'm completely okay with a rewrite as long as you don't delete the old chapters

[Chemtest]

9699899
Well, sadly, I already deleted the Chase for this new one. Sorry.

[Chri330v]

9699990
Damn. It's just i wanted to be able to read the old chapters so that i could compare it to the new ones. Also for anyone who's not read the old version.

[Chemtest]

9700036
You make a good point, and I actually thought about this after reading your comment before. So I shall keep the old chapters in as well. The Chase, however, is sadly lost. But the others shall stay.

[Artich]

Drunk Irish is best pony.